Navigating life in the days following the loss of a beloved dog is miserable — I know this — but this time so many things feel intensified for a myriad of reasons. The way Pepper died. The shock and sudden nature of her death. The fact that this time we have the feelings of three kids to hold close and care for. But this time we’ve also experienced something incredible: Next-level support. The love and kindness we’ve seen from our family, friends, neighbors, our community and all of you is something I am holding close to my heart right now. It’s something I’ll never forget.
I’d love to share a little bit about what’s been buoying our family most because it sure does feel a lot better keeping my focus on THIS rather than the alterative right now:
What Has Helped Us Most
Being on the Receiving End of Community Love + the Impact On Our Boys: The boys have been part of our family’s outreach to others during hard times (helping deliver meals, care packages, making cards and crafts, etc.) because it’s always been incredibly important to us for our kids to participate in caring for others. One thing I did not anticipate, however, was how impactful it’s been on them to be on the receiving end of this kind of care and love. I cannot tell you how many times the boys have commented on the outpouring of love we’ve received and how meaningful it’s been to them. To quote Ryder, “I am definitely sending someone cookies when their dog dies.” You simply don’t forget the people who show up for you.
School + Teacher Support: If I was in love with our boys’ schools and their teachers before, my love for all of them has only skyrocketed over the course of the past 6 days. We’ve received phone calls, text messages, long hugs, helpful kid-appropriate resources, cards from classmates and so much love from past and present teachers. Our boys’ teachers have first-hand knowledge of our boys’ love for their pets (and all animals) and seem to innately know how hard a sudden loss like this can be on kids. I also connected with the big kids’ school counselor for a quick conversation after I brought the boys into school late one morning who said a lot of time kids do okay at school after this kind of a loss because their pet wasn’t at school and they’re better able to disassociate in the classroom. This has proven true for all 3 boys and school has been such a bright spot for them.
The Boys Openly Sharing Feelings: Seeing the boys feeling so sad has been really, really hard but I’ve also been incredibly proud of all three of them for sharing their feelings so openly. I think the sudden nature of Pepper’s death has been hardest for them, as they’ve all expressed wishes that they could’ve loved on Pepper and said goodbye to the dog that meant the world to them.
Rhett, being the youngest, is handling it best but he cried a lot on Wednesday. He’s now talking about Pepper a lot, but largely in a positive way, and is mostly saying he “really misses Peppy.” It’s clear he feels saddest when he comes home from school and Pepper’s not there and when she’s not there in the mornings for his normal “Peppy love time.” He said he wants to keep the cards all of his preschool classmates made for him forever.
Ryder can sometimes shut down and struggle articulating negative feelings (something we’ve worked on with him for years) but we’ve been so relieved that he has been so, so good about saying how much he misses Pepper and communicating just how sad he is that she’s gone. (Truly, this is such a relief for us that he’s working through this with us and with his words.) Ryder’s feelings are most intense at bedtime when he and Pepper would normally snuggle up as we’d read together and at school pickups when he always looked forward to seeing Pepper waiting for him in the car at the end of the day.
Chase, at 10 years old, has struggled the most but every day is slowly getting better just like we promised him. Seeing Chase cry during the times of the day where Pepper was most prominent in his day-to-day life breaks my heart, but we just sit and cry our way through those intense moments… and they do pass. I think the permanency of her loss is the hardest for Chase as he’s the oldest but he said something the other day that blew me away. Chase said, “Before Pepper died, my brain felt like a puzzle. All the pieces fit together perfectly. All the pieces were happy. And then it felt like a toddler pushed the puzzle off the table and now my brain and feelings are in a million pieces. Some are happy, but some are sad and some are mad and some are frustrated, etc.” I was so proud of Chase for being able to better articulate the feelings of an intense swirl of emotions than I could because he’s absolutely right. It feels like someone pushed my brain and my heart off a table, too.
Zero Guilt from Childhood Friends + Planning A New Trip: On Thursday, I was supposed to head to Boulder for a girls’ weekend with my childhood best friends — three women who know me inside and out but whom I am often only able to see all together once a year. I was disappointed to miss this trip but two things helped: I felt zero guilt after FaceTiming all of them when they were together in Colorado because they helped me feel so secure and supported in my decision. They understood I was in absolutely no place to go emotionally and understood I was also very much needed at home. Another thing that helped? When they very quickly texted me two alternate weekend dates that would work for all of us to be reunited this spring/summer.
Family Sleepovers: The night after Pepper died was a hard one. No one was sleeping well other than Rhett. When the big kids came back downstairs about and hour after we tucked them in with tears streaming down their cheeks, we had the idea to unroll our camping mats for a sleepover in Mom and Dad’s room. The big kids will be back in their own bedroom soon enough, but this extended family sleepover time has been full of some really sweet moments.
Books: Books and reading will forever and ever be one of the biggest blessings in my life. As the boys have grieved, we’ve tried to help them notice the things we’ve done together that have helped all of us feel a little better. Getting fresh air outside, being with our family, spending time with our best friends, letting ourselves cry, looking at Pepper pictures (this is happy and sad) and reading good books have topped our list. Bless Mr. Lemoncello’s Library for carrying the big kids through this hard time and being the best kind of distraction.
An Invite from Our Best Friends: Our best family friends (aka the kind of jackpot family where Ryan and I love the couple and all of kids adore each other) invited us over on Saturday afternoon for a cookout at my friend Carrie’s parents’ lake house. Our kids needed it and we needed it. Fresh air and friendship were the perfect combination and Ryan and I both said Saturday night with our closest friends was just what our family needed.
Meals: I was so foggy-brained and food was the last thing on my mind the day we lost Pepper and the few days after. Preparing anything beyond a bowl of oatmeal, yogurt or a quick sandwich felt overwhelming to me and the meals we received from friends and neighbors carried us through the first few days. It’s wild just how incredibly helpful a nourishing meal can feel when food just feels overwhelming. And can I tell you a story about Rhett I’ll never forget? Friends sent fries with the dinner they sent to us on Wednesday night. Holding up a French fry Rhett shaped into the letter P, Rhett said, “Mom, look! I made a ‘P’ for Peppy!” I said, “Aw, Rhetty, that’s so sweet of you.” And then he said, “Yeah, but I am gonna eat it.” Bless 5-year-olds for bringing some much-needed levity into horrible situations.
Resuming Normal Activities: Our spring activity calendar is the fullest we’ve ever had in our family (as someone who has intentionally avoided a jam-packed calendar for a decade, that’s a story for another time) but Ryan and I both said having a full activity calendar was oddly helpful at the end of the week last week. We gave the boys the option to opt out of their activities and they all still wanted to go. Ryder said he was going to play his soccer game in honor of Pepper and it felt good watching our kids do the things they love. Again, this is where kid compartmentalization came in handy because even the car rides to and from their activities had them acting more “normal.”
Comet: I reached out to the trainer we hired to help with Comet the day Pepper died. She has been amazing coaching us through making Comet’s transition into life without his best friend a little easier. And Comet has, undoubtedly, helped with our family’s healing. Thank God we still get to hear the sound of doggie feet in our home. Thank God we still get to be peppered (word choice 100 percent intentional) with doggie kisses. Thank God doggie snuggles are something we can still look forward to every day.
Your Comments, Love and Support: The other day I said to Ryan that being a human is such a wonderful experience but sometimes being a human is also really freaking hard. I’ve shared some of our harder moments on this blog through the years and while they’re difficult to write about and share, I’ve never once regretted it because of all of YOU. You guys have the most incredible way of making our family feel so loved and supported.
To those of you who have been through the sudden and traumatic loss of a dog and shared this with me, you’ve been a true lifeline. It’s an experience I would not wish on anyone but the way so many of you have reached out and selflessly shared your experiences with me has deeply moved me. And the way you’ve assured me I will not always feel this way is also something I am clinging to right now. Thank you.
Blogging: Ya wanna know why I’ve never jumped ship on blogging and fully embraced social media? THIS is why. The writing and the connecting and the sharing of feelings I cannot express in any other way. It’s everything to me. I told Ryan the other day that writing is such a helpful outlet for me when I am struggling. My brain feels like a swirling tornado right now but somehow sitting down to write helps the words and emotions fall in line. I wake up at 3 a.m. and I think in the form of blog posts. It helps me immensely. (I used to think in the form of diary entries in my pre-blogging + teenage days — I’ve been like this as long as I can remember.) Writing and blogging simply helps me make sense of the mess. And the fact that you guys show up and care? I am forever grateful.
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