When we were in the city this weekend, a couple was waiting at a crosswalk while my friends and I sat around a small table outside a cafe. I looked up and saw a dog that looked like Pepper’s twin at their feet. “Oh my gosh, that dog looks JUST like Pepper,” I breathed.
(Pepper’s NYC twin)
I asked my friends if they thought it would be weird for me to approach the couple and ask to take a picture of their dog to send to the boys. A chorus of “You have tos!” and “Do its!” later, I ran acoss the street and approached the couple, explaining that their dog looked just like my dog.
I didn’t get into Pepper’s death and the horrible way she died but rather focused on their dog. The characteristics they shared about their tiny dog reminded me so much of Pepper. Their dog was a rescue like Pepper and an unknown combination of breeds they also assumed was a swirl of chihuahua and terrier. They were the kindest couple and asked to see pictures of Pepper which I scrolled through as they agreed, “Wow, our dogs really are twins!”
Pepper kept popping into my mind throughout the rest of our time in the city as I kept wishing I’d see her twin scampering across the street or strolling through Central Park. I realize now it wasn’t her twin I wanted to see again but her. I think about Pepper every single day. Our kids still talk about her every single day.
We aren’t crying and wrapped up in grief like we were after she was attacked. We’ve moved through the worst phases of losing a beloved pet. But we do miss her. A lot. And missing Pepper feels different than the ache I felt after losing a dog who lived a long, full and wonderful life.
Missing Pepper feels like missing moments she should’ve been able to experience. We should’ve had more than a decade left with our girl to fill with memories saturated with Pepper. I should still be able to feel her tiny little butt perched on my hip as she looks out the window of my car on our drives to and from school drop offs. She should still be able to curl up into my stomach as I read at night before bed.
I must admit, I just had all of the above paragraphs highlighted and ready to delete because it’s been six months and you guys certainly did not stop by my blog today to read about my dead dog. My grief pales in comparison to the grief others are experiencing right now. I know this fully and completely. But you know what’s never helpful when it comes to grief? Comparison. So I’m going to publish this post. I’ll publish this post and share this seemingly small heartache because I miss my dog. I miss the “could have beens” and the “should have beens.” I’ll go back to living real life with that little bit of heaviness lingering in the background. I’ll probably laugh and have a decent day but moments will pop up that hurt when I think about Pepper and how much I really and truly miss her. Part of me hopes that somewhere, somehow Pepper can feel just how much our family still loves her, misses her and thinks of her. I hope she knows the hole she left when she died is so much bigger than the tiny 7-pound peppy ball of fuzz and fluff she was when she was here on earth.
Loss sucks. No matter what it looks like or how it happens. And something about entering into my 40s has made me think about it more because it happens more. It’s also made me love harder and appreciate the people and animals I love all the more because middle age has made things feel more finite. Honestly, I can really get into my head about the finality of life sometimes and it’s deeply unnerving. It’s something I try to pull myself out of when I spend too much time there… usually at 2 a.m.
But this was supposed to be a post about Pepper. Actually, it was supposed to be a post about my trip to NYC. But sometimes I don’t know where my words will take me… just like life, I suppose.
We miss you, Pepper. A whole lot. Even still.
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Thank you for being so vulnerable and genuine. Grief, especially within the context of a family and children, is so uniquely painful —yet it is a universal experience that can draw us closer together. I’m also hitting middle age and am experiencing similar realizations: life really is short and unpredictable, and all we can do is love harder for it.
Thank you for not deleting this post, posts like these are the reason why I still love your blog. By having already lost my father I am surely one of those people you mentioned who had a “bigger loss” in comparison, but you are so so right. Grief can not be compared and I completely understand. After my dad passed away suddenly, my tiny little cat gave me more joy and comfort than most humans could. Animals somehow sense how much you are hurting and are just there for you, they curl up in your lap, lick your nose or start sleeping next to you. Animals just have the purest hearts and show their joy without hesitation and you are right, your poor little Pepper should have had so many more moments of joy, together with her family. At the same time, the older I get I believe more and more that our deceased loved ones never leave our side completely, so I am sure that meeting Peppers twin was no coincidence.
Losing a parent is something I am truly dreading and I’m sorry it’s something you’ve walked through, Julia. And losing your father suddenly makes my heart hurt for you even more. I’m just so, so sorry. I also thank you for understanding where I am coming from with this post. Truly, it’s loss like that of losing a parent that makes me feel ridiculous for the sadness I (still) feel about Pepper but I am grateful you understand where my heart is coming from and also that you’ve experienced the pure, wonderful love that comes from adoring and being adored by a beloved pet. I’m so glad your cat was able to provide you with much-needed comfort — I get this feeling completely and it’s one of the things I love most about animals… how they just seem to know and understand and meet us right where we are, no matter what. Thank you for taking the time to leave your comment <3
I’m so sorry for your loss Julia. And Julie, don’t feel ridiculous. Pepper was and always will be your baby. Losing her the way you did and at her age will never be okay. Grief is love with nowhere to go because we want our loved ones get with us always.
Julie, I miss my beloved soul dog who passed in 2019. My husband and I still cry over his loss and we now have two beautiful dogs who we love so much. Grief never goes away. The waves just get smaller and become ripples of remembrance.
Greif over a pet never goes away. I lost Barley cat 6 years ago in October and he will always be my OG. He set the bar sooo high but I KNOW he also sent me Milo 2 years ago. Milo walked up to my husband in a warehouse and is my stage 5 clinger. I needed Milo and Barley knew. We now have a full house of 5 cats and a dog we foster failed and it’s the best gift.
I bet Pepper sent you the opportunity to foster kitties 🙂
It’s ok to still miss the people, pets, memories we have with those we love.
thank you for making me feel less alone in the intense grief and love i feel for the animals i’ve been so lucky to have in my life. i love that you have a house full of animals <3 <3
Thank you for sharing with us. I think sharing your pain and grief is brave and heartfelt and helps us all who are also going through our own pain and loss.
Thanks for sharing this, Julie. The grief is deep and long-lasting because the love is deep and long-lasting. Not everyone understands that – so I appreciate reading this. It’s been four years since we said good-bye to our beloved Lemon and I have days like this still.
Thank you so much for posting this today! We just got the news that our beloved rescue dog of 11 years, Alvin, has inoperable cancer so we are looking at weeks or months left with him. He was there for all of our family’s milestones so I’m trying to mentally prepare for the roller coaster of grief to come. He’s snuggled up next to me as I write this! I know the pain will lessen over time but I’m dreading what’s to come 🙁 Thank you for always being vulnerable in this space, it means a lot!
oh erin. it’s so, so hard when you love a dog so much and get this kind of news. i hope your time with alvin is filled with so much love and his very, very favorite things (like snuggles with you, it sounds like!).
I’m glad you hit publish. We should never discount our own feelings or sadness, despite how it may look to others. What matters is YOU are going through this, and it’s important for your healing to express what’s in your heart at any moment. I honestly can’t even imagine what it’s like to be your family. The way you lost Pepper is horrific and tragic and it will stick with me forever. Our sweet old lady passed very suddenly this summer at the age of 13-1/2. She lived a very full, happy life and was able to make it to a typical senior dog age, but it still doesn’t remove the sting. One day she was perfect, the next downhill. 2 days afterwards, she passed in her sleep. During this time, I kept reminding myself of your story, and how you didn’t get a peaceful end to Pepper’s life. I need to be thankful my dog went on her own, loved in her home, yet I can also be sad she’s gone. It doesn’t discount your story or your feelings for me to be in my own moment of grief. I hope this helps you. Please know all of us animal lovers are with you as you continue to move through the stages of grief. Thanks for putting your honest feelings first!
oh stacey, i’m so sorry you lost your beloved dog this summer. dogs truly are family and when they’re with you for more than a decade, EVERYTHING can remind you of them in your day-to-day life. it’s awful when they’re gone and while time does make it easier, missing them never fades. we are just so lucky to have them for the entirely too short amount of time we do. sending you tons of love.
Thank you for not hitting delete. We lost our 16 year old dog 4 weeks ago and even though we knew it was coming soon, the day it happened was too fast. I wish I had one more evening with him as a family as home. People don’t allow others to grieve over a pet death and it is very real. I feel like this has hit me harder than losing my grandparents and I have been reminded it is because a pet gives unconditional love. They were always there for any kind of day and were loyal forever. Never apologize for sharing your heart with us as so many of us are right there with you in our feelings.
when a dog is with you for 16 years, they’re ingrained in every aspect of your life and their loss feels so, so intense. i am so sorry you’re walking through this grief.
Thank you for sharing. It helps all of us going through our own grief and all the things of life, that are not simply over one day. We live through things many times with new understandings or experiences of them.
Plus, I think it was Andrew Garfield of all people who said grief is just love.
Also, I never met Pepper and I STILL think about her and your family’s loss. She was a special pup and deserves to spoken of often.
thank you for thinking of pepper — when people tell me they think of her, it really does make me smile because she was such a wonderful dog. <3
I’m feeling for you, Julie. I can feel how adored Pepper was and sharing how much you still miss her is so understandable (and makes you seem even more refreshingly relatable.) I’m glad you stayed true to your heart and shared because I hope it helped a tiny bit and because YOU is why we keep reading your blog. You and your family just seem so wholesome and loving. Pepper was a lucky girl to be loved by you all.
I am so glad you posted this. I often think about your loss and wonder how you are coping with it. I am happy you are keeping your memories of Pepper close to your heart.
Hi Julie, I just wanted to send you hugs as you miss and think about Pepper. I’m having a hard time coming up with the words to express what I want to, but know that it’s always ok to experience grief in whatever way it manifests itself and that I’m sure Pepper is out there somewhere and knows how much you and your family loved her.
One line from your post particularly spoke to me: “Honestly, I can really get into my head about the finality of life sometimes and it’s deeply unnerving. It’s something I try to pull myself out of when I spend too much time there… usually at 2 a.m.” I find this happening to me a lot lately and it feels really dark and it’s just helpful to know that it happens to other people too, so thank you for expressing it so eloquently.
i feel like we could sit and discuss this at length — it is something i can really, really ruminate on that can almost make me spiral. and i agree, it feels super dark, especially when it’s something i never remember thinking about at all in my younger years. i try hard not to stay here when those thoughts pop up but i wish they didn’t, especially as frequently as they can sometimes.
Thank you for sharing your feelings about Pepper. We got a puppy in January after waiting for what felt like the perfect time for our family and lots of research and planning. Everyone was so excited and we loved the dog so much. Unfortunately, we had to rehome her last month after she bit my daughter on the face resulting in a lot of stiches. It was a very sad and traumatic event with lots of complicated feelings. I know we made the right decision and at the same time I miss my dog so much (and also feel guilty for missing her because of how badly my daughter was hurt). I had really envisioned her being with us for many years and I definitely can relate to a lot of what you said about missing Pepper and what you expected was going to be. My dog’s first birthday is coming up and I am really sad and missing here thinking about how we would have celebrated it.
oh jenny, that is a lot to navigate. i am so sorry you’ve had to walk that path and am sure the emotions and turmoil you’ve experienced going through that were so much. sending you love and comfort. i hope you’re able to get updates about your dog in their new home. one of my friends went through something similar and we know the man who now has her dog (he absolutely could NOT be in a home with kids) — her dog is now truly living his best life with a man who absolutely adores him.
Julie, thank you for sharing about Pepper–there is no comparing in grief. Grief is just grief! We still miss every pet we’ve ever had, even the ones we were able to grant peaceful deaths to. It does not help that the way your family lost Pepper was so unexpected and traumatizing. Sending you and your family love.
I think what you are feeling is completely normal and acceptable. It’s been 7 years since I lost my dog. I can still think about him and it brings me to tears. They are such innocent loving parts of our family. I wish dogs lived forever.
i think it’s the innocence and purity of a dog’s love and adoration that stick with me so profoundly. they are just so, so good.
My heart goes out to you Julie. I lost my dog 7 years ago and still miss him on a daily basis. There is nothing like the love of a dog and losing them is awful, especially in an unexpected and tragic way. I love when I get signs from my guy and Pepper’s look alike that you saw this weekend seems like a big sign from her.
Praying for you, for comfort. Grief can pop up unexpectedly. Let yourself be sad, it is a very sad thing to lose a furry family member. They say journaling is the cheapest therapy so I imagine blogging is helpful to process this loss too. Glad you followed your heart’s needs and published this post. Virtual hug!
It’s so true — I always feel a little less heavy once I blog and get my words out. I truly helps me sort through what can feel like a tornado inside sometimes.
I’m so sorry for your loss Julie. Pepper was a gift and an incredibly special dog.
I rarely comment but I urge you to read Signs by Laura Lynne Jackson and specifically the chapter about our beloved pets. It is so comforting and I promise that Pepper is still with you if you ask her for a sign.
I’m so glad you published this. This is your space (and what a wonderful space it is) and you get to do with it what you want! I still think about the traumatic, awful way your sweet, adorable pepper was taken from you so can only imagine how you and your family are still processing it. I’m sure you’ll miss her forever. She was special. Most pets are but there was something extra with her, I know. Big hugs to you, Julie. ❤️
Julie, I am in tears reading this. I still think of your precious Pepper and how unfair it is that you lost her (and in the way that you did). These heartbreaks in life are very hard to deal with and leave us wondering why?
Crying. Hugs to you!
Oh Julie. I fully expect myself to be writing a post about Beretta in 6 months, too. I seriously had no idea that this type of pain was possible and then to add to that, your children’s grief with the loss. And Pepper was taken MUCH too early and in the saddest way possible. Loss sucks. Thank you for posting and not deleting. Your words help us all.
This was really beautiful Julie. I was sickened when I read your original post about Pepper. The loss of a dog is so hard but the loss of one in such an unexpected way, who was so young and full of life, makes me want to cry just sitting here at work.
Never apologize for posting this kind of letter, it’s a testament to the love your family and you had for her. She was an extremely extremely cute little lady. You gave her a great life.
Thank you so much for sharing this. We had to say goodbye to our 15 year old pup this summer and the grief hit me in ways I didn’t know it would. I still miss him all the time and think of him everyday.
I can also relate to the feelings of getting older and just realizing how finite our time here is. I think about my parents getting older and feel a deep pit in my stomach at the thought of losing them, which seems more real as time continues to speed by. I also try to remind myself that I’m in the phase of life with young kids and that’s important and special too, and try not to harp on how final each moment really can be. The 2am overthinking is inevitable at times though so I feel you on that.
I echo everyone else..I’m glad you didn’t hit delete. You’d be surprised by how often your readers think of Pepper, too, and she wasn’t even our dog. Just the other day I thought “I wonder how the family is doing” (in regards to losing Pepper) so thanks for sharing an update. And it’s ok if you still feel the same six months or six years from now!
Julie, I’ve lost a lot of dogs over my lifetime, and I swear I think about each one — every single day. A dog born in 2001 still gets talked about daily by my husband and me. Daily. Never let the thought that “someone has it worse” stop you from expressing your own grief. Never minimize what you feel. The comments on this post only reinforce that, in some way, shape or form, every single person can identify with your love for Pepper. And as a reader of your blog since forever ago, I’ll even say that I miss Pepper’s antics, too. ❤️ Sending love…
Thank you for always being so honest and sharing your heart. There is no timeline with grief and no one way to grieve. Sharing this post is a wonderful way to honor Pepper.❤️
I lost my Lyssa girl shortly before you lost Pepper and I still think about her every day. I miss her so much and I wish she was still here with us. Your post about missing Pepper six months later makes me feel seen missing my dog seven months later. I’m glad you published your post. I think it brings solidarity and comfort to more people than you may have realized.
Julie, Thank you for this post and your honesty and thoughts on grieving our loved ones or pets. Thank you♡
Oh sweet Pep! Dogs have a way of becoming family!
Did you end up reporting the neighbor dog? How is everything in that area?
I did end up reporting the dog after learning Pepper was not the first dog in the neighborhood it attacked. (I also learned A LOT about animal control in the process — I always assumed a call to animal control meant they would immediately take a dog/put it down, etc. but this is not the case. Reporting attacks is actually VERY important for public/neighborhood safety.) They have since moved away from our neighborhood (their house was for sale when Pepper was attacked) so they are not here any more. It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation because we know the family (not close friends but friendly with them socially). We met in person a week or so after Pepper died and I explained exactly what happened and just how alarmed and upset I was to learn from other neighbors that they were aware their fence was not keeping their dog in and that there was also a prior attack. The last update I received was that they were having the dog evaluated by a behaviorist and (hopefully) going through extensive training. It was honestly horrible to navigate when I thought losing Pepper was a true accident but the negligence was another layer of awful. We want nothing from them (legally, monetarily, etc.) other than for them to just make sure this NEVER happens again because it was so devastating and so scary.