What YOU Wish You Knew Before Baby

Last Tuesday I shared a blog post all about What I Wish I Knew Before My Baby Was Born. It was one of my favorite blog posts to write (ever!) but I quickly realized after publishing the post that your comments were going to be the best part!

I knew I wanted to highlight a bunch of your comments, especially since many of them were so insightful and vulnerable and focused on similar unexpected challenges. I compiled a handful of your comments into a follow-up blog post that I’m excited to share with you guys today!

I tried my best to keep things organized and break comments down into various categories so moms-to-be and new mamas can quickly read comments that might appeal to them most though I must say I feel like I took something away from every single comment!

Thank you so much to everyone who weighed in and took the time to share a little bit about the challenges and joys of motherhood with me. I really appreciate it!

What You Wish You Knew Before Baby

• PREGNANCY AND BIRTH

Do not stress so much about having the perfect birth/delivery. I was set on an all natural beautiful birth… Well 40 hours later and pushing for 4 hours I ended up with a C-section and the most perfect, beautiful baby boy ever! None of it mattered after that. – Julie

The best advice I can give to expectant moms is to hire a doula. I had no idea what a doula was before I got pregnant, but after I researched and heard other people’s experiences, I knew I wanted one. A doula is basically just another support system for mom, dad, and baby. We met with our doula a number of times before I gave birth to talk about and go over all of the decisions we would be faced with during our pregnancy and after he was born. There are a lot of things the hospital does that might seem “normal” but aren’t necessarily needed. It was nice to know WE were in control of our pregnancy. As it turns out, our baby boy was born at home because he came so fast and we couldn’t have made it to the hospital! Our doula was there with my husband and I and she was phenomenal! She led the way as I delivered a healthy 8 1/2 lb baby boy! – Courtney

Before my baby was born, I was diagnosed with preclampsia around 31 weeks. Of course I didn’t know how serious it was because honestly I felt better than I ever had. I didn’t know why I had to leave work (canceling full days of patients) and sit in a hospital bed to be monitored. Now I know how serious it is and seeing my sweet girls face I wish someone (doctor, nurse or anyone) would’ve looked me in my eyes and said, “This is serious! You may feel healthy and fine but your baby is in danger.” It’s crazy but now looking back no one told me what was going on just a diagnosis. Everyone was so quiet so now that I see it now for my next one I will listen and research. I wish I would’ve asked more questions. – Jenna

• FEEDING

The best advice I can give is its okay not to breastfeed and don’t allow yourself to feel that pressure from anyone period. I had every intention of doing it but my son disagreed. I started pumping and found I was an undersupplier. I had to supplement as well with formula. Please don’t ever judge a woman because you never know their stories, their struggles! – Nikki

Breastfeeding hurts and is hard! I guess I thought that because we’d been to the class and I wanted to breastfeed that it would be easy. Those first three weeks were so hard and draining. Trying to keep a baby awake enough to eat was something I wasn’t prepared for. I also couldn’t get comfortable nursing anywhere except in the glider with arms, so I spent much of my maternity leave in one chair. Thank God for Netflix on the iPad! – Robyn

I exclusively pumped and found it so hard to find information about it. Luckily my friend did it for her daughter but I always felt guilty when people would talk about me not ‘breastfeeding’ or feeling judged when I’d pull out his bottle even though it was breastmilk. Now he’s on formula (I couldn’t keep up pumping for another 6 months – Mama needed her life back) and I know he’s doing JUST fine on formula too… We have to really work hard to support each other instead of feeling bad for choices that work for us and our babies! – Fiona

The one thing I would share is not everyone has the ability to breastfeed. I breastfed my son for 2 1/2 months but it wasn’t easy. I ended up finding out, after weeks of him crying hysterically, that I wasn’t producing enough so we had to supplement. So I would breastfeed, then feed him supplement formula, then pump afterwards. I started stressing myself out thinking about how I was incapable of feeding my own child through breastfeeding which didn’t help my milk supply at all. It slowly started getting worse and worse until finally I had to make the decision to stop which felt like the hardest decision of my life. Still to this day I get upset about it but have to tell myself that I tried my hardest and our son is still just as healthy. Don’t listen to all the people out there that shame you for not breastfeeding. Trust me, these people got to me for awhile and I would burst into tears. You have your own story and your own reasoning as to why you can’t or don’t. That’s all the matters. – Janay

For working mothers (or moms who will be pumping a fair amount), get a car adapter for your pump! If you don’t have tinted windows (and if you even care at this point) just wear an infinity scarf to cover yourself while pumping. – Erin

I wish I would have known/realized how difficult breastfeeding would be. I took a class while I was pregnant and had read/heard that it was hard, but I totally did not fully realize how much time I would spend feeding (and worrying about feeding!) my little one. Even four months later, planning life around feedings was just not something I was thinking about 9-12 months ago. – Monica

Even though breastfeeding was so hard in the beginning and I literally celebrated every month as a milestone because that meant we made it another month, now that we’ve made it 10 months I feel sadness over our breastfeeding journey coming to an end soon. We will nurse for a year and hopefully make it beyond that, but I know the days are numbered and somehow this feeling of sadness surprises me when I think back to June/July and all the tears! – Robyn

• EMOTIONS

  

I wish I would have known that the bond isn’t instantaneous for everyone. Getting to know your baby is like every other relationship; it can take time (months in my case) for it to really grow and evolve. It was a whole new and exciting experience once we were out of survival mode and I could get in touch with real emotions again. I loved the babe from the beginning but I had no idea what it could grow into! – Shana

I find only now after 6 months am I like waaait this is why people have kids!!! I felt so worried not loving being a mom right away or feeling like I wanted to my own time, but luckily I had people surrounding me and sharing their stories which helped me feel less guilty! – Fiona

I’ve always been a decisive person, so it surprised me when having my baby (now 6 months) how often I would second guess myself. “Should I have brought mittens, it’s colder than I thought?” “Should we stop swaddling now? Oh gosh I just read that I should have done it last month!” “What if I’m not feeding her the best first foods?” – Emilie

Yes, you will love him, but you may not *like* him all the time. That, and at first, your love may not feel like love (because it’s unlike any love you’ve ever had before). I was fiercely protective of him and anxious when he was away from me, but I didn’t have the gush of loving feelings I thought I would have, at least not right away. And it made me feel like a terrible mother (and really, like I didn’t feel like a mom yet). And those first few weeks are SO stressful, that even once I could recognize what I felt was love, it wasn’t always “like” all the time. When he’s screaming and not smiling (like you said) it’s so, so hard. – Ally

I knew that you could be hormonal after having a baby, but I thought it would just be like PMS. For me, it was much stronger and more difficult to manage. I would cry about anything/everything. I was so easily frustrated, sad and angry. And it is all exacerbated by exhaustion. And, then I had it again when I weaned from pumping and nursing when my son was around 12 months. I wish I had known to expect this more so I could have handled it a bit better, and prepared my husband! – Lindsay

Postpartum depression can show up long after birth. Just because you’re not suicidal or homicidal, that doesn’t mean you’re not depressed. – Mrs. Jones

I also think it’s only fair to also share that sometimes some moms feel bad for having an easy transition. I sometimes felt like I couldn’t talk too much about my experience with my first baby because she was so easy and I honestly didn’t have a hard time (nor felt any deep sadness and stuff). Of course I was ridic tired, but in hearing others’ experiences, I didn’t feel a lot of that. However, nursing got tough around month 4 with her! NOW with that easy transition then being said, my 2nd has been pretty easy as well but BOY did having TWO kids under 2 rock my world! SO TOUGH. That was a MUCH harder transition for me than becoming a mom if that makes any sense? It’s all beautiful and so wonderful, but man, it was survival mode there for awhile, hah! – Annette

I understand how my mother feels about me. I don’t think you can truly comprehend the overwhelming feelings of love and protectiveness a mother has for her child until you have one. Now that I have two sons, I would do anything for them. I think about how I hope they aren’t teased in school, that they become happy little boys and adults, and that they find love of their own one day. I talked to a friend of mine who has teenage kids about how hard it must be to watch your child struggle socially or on the sports field or in the classroom as they reach junior high and high school, and she said, “It will happen. And you will cry.” I never fully realized how much our own parents want for us until I had my own. It makes me appreciate my mom in a way I never did before. – Heidi

• PHYSICAL CHANGES

Fiiiiiiind a physical therapist who does postpartum pelvic floor therapy. It’s a standard of care in many parts of the world, and I didn’t do it the first time around. I didn’t even know it was a thing the first time around, really. With baby #2, it has made a WORLD of difference. Your OBs office probably has a clinic they usually refer people to. – Kate

Two months postpartum here. I wish I would’ve known bladder control can also go the opposite way! I fully expected to leak or pee myself but the opposite was true for me (also epidural/vaginal birth). I had difficulty peeing for a good three weeks which completely freaked me out. They tell you to watch out for UTI’s or a prolapse so I had it checked out by my OB, but it turned out to be a normal part of recovery for me. I also highly agree with self care stock ups! I was lucky enough to get two of almost everything you listed from the hospital (ASK! The nurses were pleased to do everything in their power to help you out!) which definitely helped in my two story home. Venturing out to the store at one week postpartum was not something I would recommend! – Brittany

I started seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist (who knew those existed?!) to help with leaking, etc. and she has been wonderful. Leaking after giving birth should not be the new normal for a woman. In Europe visits to a pelvic floor physical therapist are automatically covered for postpartum women and I think it’s something that needs to gain traction here! – Laura

My daughter is currently 18 months old, and we have a baby boy due in August! I had a vaginal delivery and I wish I would have known that it can take TIME to heal! I knew it was process to go through and that recovery can be totally different for everyone. I remember texting my friend who also had a vaginal delivery at 6 weeks post partum asking her when I would feel “normal” again. I didn’t quite feel like my “new normal” self until about 8 weeks post partum. The comments about C-section vs vaginal birth and which one is harder or what not bothers me because things are different for everyone. One person might have an easy recovery from a C-section, while her friend might have a horrible recovery from a vaginal birth. Either way, it’s labor, and it’s hard! – Jillian

I wish I would’ve known that getting back into shape and loosing all the weight would take until I stopped breastfeeding. – Sarah

I now think that my level of “tired” before having a baby was laughable. I had done more than my share of all-nighters in college, but nothing can prepare for the level of chronic sleep deprivation. I guess I can’t say that I wish I would have know that though! Lol! And now, if I get a solid 5 hours of sleep, it’s like a miracle. – Tera

• YOU DO YOU

Everybody likes to look like they’ve got it together and will only show the good bits. I admire you for saying, hey, it’s not all perfect IG photos. My Mum has always likened it to swans. They look so gracefully gliding on the water, but no one sees how hard they’re swimming. No one gets it ‘right’ straight away. What works for one like you said, doesn’t always work for another. Sometimes there’s no right or wrong, just trail and error! – Natalie

I’ve learned that after becoming a mother, there will always be someone who doesn’t agree with what you do or how you raise your baby. I experienced this recently when someone highly disagreed with the bedtime routine I have for my son. However, the routine that I have for him works best for our family, and that’s all that matters. – Polly

I thought I understood what having a baby would be like but I didn’t. I wish I knew to not talk to other moms about babies meeting milestones. I still get stressed that my baby is ‘behind’ or not doing something my sisters kids are. I also wish I knew that it is okay to call or go to the pediatrician whenever I think my daughter needs to. I’ve found that my intuition is right and I need to not worry about looking like one of those crazy moms. I agree with a lot of the comments that hormones are insane. I still have incredible anxiety even 7 months after my daughter was born. I think so many people think postpartum depression and anxiety go away a few weeks after the baby is born but I haven’t found that to be true. Lastly, I wish every hospital was more open about offering the nursery to new moms. I wanted to send my daughter to the nursery so I could get even an hour of sleep before we went home and no one told me I could. I had to ask. I think moms feel guilty for wanting sleep but after labor, I thought it was so so important to get rest before the madness at home began. – Bets

• SUPPORT AND RELATIONSHIPS

You are never alone. You may feel like you’re the only one whose baby had jaundice or who has to use a nipple shield or hates pumping at work or has a baby that hates drinking from a bottle (and the list goes on), but you’re not the only one. I found that once I reached out to a few of my mom friends, or my own mom, that someone has always had the same problem(s). Not that their advice would magically solve whatever the problem was, but it always made me feel better to know that I wasn’t alone in going through what I was going through. – Julie

Your relationship with your spouse will change and you have to try harder to be romantic. My husband is a die hard romantic, but after our baby was born and someone was literally touching me all day, all I wanted was to be alone for a few minutes. We also don’t have family in town, so babysitters are in short supply. Luckily with a 7:30 p.m. bed time for the baby, we get little “dates” every night (so long as neither of us gets caught up in picking up the house after baby us asleep) complete with candles and wine. – Carrie

The one I would suggest is find other mom friends. I had my first and knew a couple of people nearby, but still wasn’t comfortable asking them for help. It wasn’t until my first was almost one that I joined a moms group which consisted of other kids around the age of my son. What started out on MeetUp quickly spread to Facebook where we always have discussions/questions and it’s so nice everyone is going through the same thing together. My other one is trust the father and take time for yourself. I always felt “guilty” leaving my child to go to something, but you really need the time to re-focus and remember who you are. – Tara

One thing that changed for me is finally understanding parents on a new level (and kind of being impatient with my non-parent friends). It is a whole new world when you have a baby; life changes. My friends without babies will make comments that their dogs are their babies and it is the same. Talk about wanting to throw things at someone! You do not compare caring for a dog with caring for a 6-week old. Oh my. Ha! – Brynn

I wanted to mention that I loved my mom before but wow did I have a newfound respect for her after Violet was born! She was a huge help but I couldn’t help but feel so amazed that she raised 3 of us, and she was such amazing support that I needed. Thank god for grandmas! – Theresa

• DEALING WITH CHALLENGES

Nothing lasts forever! Whatever the problem is, even if it seems insurmountable it will pass and you and the baby will get through it! – Julie

I wish I knew that babies cry A LOT. Of course I knew they cry, but had no idea just how much. Before my daughter was born it seemed like everyone I talked to who had a baby would tell me how happy theirs was. That gave me unrealistic expectations for mine. I ended up with a baby who refuses to take a nap most days and wants to be entertained all day. This combination makes for one cranky little girl! I can remember asking my mom a month after she was born if I just have an angry baby because everyone else’s babies don’t cry. She told me people are lying if they say their baby is happy all the time. Now I’ve learned to not compare her to others, and there has been so much relief in that. – Lindsay

Every baby is so different. You can read all the books in the world and it may not work for your baby. Also, everyone struggles, just at different things. Sometimes I feel like a HUGE failure because we still feed in the middle of the night or he doesn’t nap that well all the time, or he is constantly sick (damn daycare germs), but he is the HAPPIEST baby in the world and that seems to pull me back in. – Bethany

I wish I knew how much I would worry after our daughter was born. I was considered high risk so I was constantly worried throughout my pregnancy. I kept thinking once she was out it would be better. I’m pretty sure it’s worse now. I worry all the time about her. Is she feeling ok? Is she gaining enough weight? Is she happy? Is she breathing? – Sky

Being a mom is hard! You really don’t get it until you are a mom yourself, and it is so hard to explain it to people that don’t have kids. Being a mom is the most amazing thing I have ever done, but it is also one of the hardest. And it’s OK to admit that. – Jillian

I had a colicky baby and was always told that the first 6 weeks were the hardest. WELL that colic didn’t go away after 6 weeks and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I don’t know what I would’ve done without the help of my husband and family during those days of endless crying. It’s wasn’t till 12 weeks (right when I was going back to work, of course) that it finally got better. Each day and week seemed like it took FOREVER to pass and I did NOT cherish those moments. And I think that’s okay.  Finally, I had a baby I could actually ENJOY after that! Like you said, it takes time but it will happen eventually! – Michelle

I wish I’d known to not put so much pressure on myself. I struggled with nursing at first and then once we got into a great groove, we struggled (still are) with weight gain. I wish I’d known to TRUST MY GUT not the damn “chart.” – Catherine

One thing that I had to remember and my husband and I laughed about numerous times, especially when things were really stressful, was to remember this: the baby doesn’t know we don’t know what we’re doing! We’re just all figuring it out together. – Aly

It took six months for me to hit my stride. I tell every mom-to-be, to be kind to themselves and that at least the first six months are HARD! A random mom told me at the park when mine was a few months old and it was awesome hear I was not alone! – Jenny

• EXTRA ADVICE

I wish I would’ve known better to have more memory/storage on my phone for the obnoxious amount of videos/pictures I take and a more organized way to save everything! Also, bringing the baby book to the hospital on delivery day so the nurses can put handprints/footprints in it for you! – Dawn

Download the Lifecake app! You can upload photos from birth to current and goes in chronological order as well as videos and you can share it with friends and family! It’s an awesome app! – Fiona

Make as many freeze ahead meals as you can because you will be STARVING while nursing with absolutely no energy or desire to cook. – Kelly

Sign up for Amazon Prime! I haven’t been to a store (other than the grocery store) since Christmas, which is crazy… and awesome. – Kristen

DEPENDS!!! On the advice on my best friend, I bought Depends. Just do it, trust me! I just had my second child and having Depends made the recovery process so much easier. First, bladder control – it was bad with my first, it was ridiculous after my second. My first day home from the hospital I literally emptied my bladder completely 4 times and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There is no pad in the world that can hold that much fluid. Secondly, clean up was a breeze (they are even more absorbent and wick away the blood better than any pad) – just toss them and put on a new pair. No worry about underwear getting leaked on and carrying extra panties with you if you leave the house. And finally, they are just more comfortable than a bulky pad. I don’t know how they do it, but they are very discreet, no one will know you are wearing one, but they are so, so absorbent. – Kerrie

Cherish every. Single. Second. Because they grow up soo soo soo fast and the first few days/weeks/months go by faster than you will ever think possible. And you will discover a kind of love you never thought could be possible! – Julie

I ended up spending way too much on Victoria Secret button down pjs in an exhausted fog just trying to find something that could make night feeds a bit easier. For me I tried to not spend much before baby came and figured I didn’t need things and after baby came I probably spent more money because I wasn’t prepared and just bought anything that seemed to make things easier. I wish I was a bit more prepared and didn’t short change my comfort! – Elle

I needed more prepared meals. I never realized how hard it would be to prepare dinner with a baby! – Sarah

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Photos courtesy of Atlanta-based newborn photographer Brooke Whitney Photography