When the weekend arrived, Ryan and I had one thing on the agenda: Fill our weekend with Sadie’s favorite things. To be honest, it’s a little hard to fill her days with all of her favorite things because so many of her favorite things are active activities she’s just not up for right now. She’s not up for long walks, endless rounds of fetch, a hike with the best smells and lots of sprinting or a boat day filled with hours of splashing and swimming on the lake. It breaks my heart a little to see her gravitate toward sleepy snuggles and couch time when the word “boat!” used to send her into a tail-wagging frenzy but we’re meeting her where she’s at right now and that looks like a lot of time at home with our family. Our velcro dog still very much wants to be with us so we make sure that wherever we are, she is and that seems to be enough for her right now.
Sadie had a relatively good day on Saturday. She ate chicken and sardines and her medicine hidden in butter. She followed the boys around in our yard and kept watch over them as they played various animal imagination games and found a puddle filled with tadpoles.
We didn’t think the boat was the best idea for her since a lot of balance is required and we knew it would be hard for her not to want to jump off the bow and swim so we opted for an afternoon at the little beach near our house. Sadie didn’t fly immediately into the water like she would have as little as a month ago but she trotted along the shore and hunted shadows, something that made my heart feel happy because I know it made her happy.
Saturday ended with a lot of cuddles and some tears. For the first time, I saw Sadie try to jump up on the couch to cuddle with us and struggle. I quickly lifted her up and curled her into my belly and praised her for all the amazing things we love about her and I cried. Now we’re nervous for her to try to jump up onto the couch or our bed and so when she follows us into a new room, we lift her up onto whatever soft surface she usually prefers to lounge on and she seems okay with our help.
There’s a lot going on in my head and my heart right now. I believe Sadie is not in pain right now. She just seems very tired and more willing for us to cater to her and help her. I don’t want her to feel pain and I want her to feel love and all of her normal doggie joy. Ryan and I are watching her constantly and noticing any small change — good or bad — that seems to surface. It’s hard. It’s all hard. Good changes are hard because they give us hope but I know “hope” realistically means a few more days with Sadie. Bad changes rip my heart open. Yesterday we saw more bad changes and we cried. A lot. I have a phone call scheduled with the vet today.
I cannot imagine our house without the sound of Sadie’s paws flying across the hardwood floor. I cannot imagine not seeing her head pop up when I call her name and her whole body wiggle as her tail flies back and forth. I cannot imagine going to sleep without her body pressed against mine. Ryan said it best — I’m not sad about the past. The past makes me smile. I’m sad about the future without our girl. I’m sad about everything she’s going to miss because everything is better with her in it.
Some small things that are helping us right now:
- The assurance we’ve received from many of you that we will know when the time is right. For the first few days I kept waiting for something horrible to happen. It felt like every minute I was on pins and needles waiting for the moment that would break my heart open. I’m trying to adjust to being grateful for every relatively “good” day we have with Sadie and trust that when she is ready somehow she will let us know.
- Looking into Lap of Love. I didn’t know a service like this existed and I’ve already filled out the form on the site and plan to turn to this service when the time is right. The thought of bringing Sadie into the vet — a place of anxiety for her — for her final moments filled me with guilt and dread and knowing we may be able to help her pass peacefully in our home brings me a little bit of comfort.
- Swapping hearts. I had someone send me an Instagram DM that said that we often hear that dogs take a piece of our heart with us when they go. She said that when she lost her dog, someone said we actually “swap hearts” with our beloved pets when they pass… So Sadie will take a part of our hearts with her but leave a part of her heart with us as well because of all the love we have given to each other. I just hate thinking of her being gone forever so thinking of us having part of her heart — the best part of our spunky, loyal, needy, loving, wonderful girl — meant a lot to me.
- Thank you sessions. I also received the below Instagram DM about “thank you sessions” and loved it so much. I’m sharing it below with permission:
Thank you, Sadie, for being the very best girl.
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I used Laps of Love about a month ago to say goodbye to my 15 yr old Jack Russell terrier. I literally couldn’t imagine having to drive her to the vet and feel afraid in her last moments. It is a wonderful service and I hope when the time comes it brings your family comfort.
I’m sorry, this is the worst decision ever. We had to put down our lab when our now 6 year old was 18 months. It was so hard as she ‘seemed’ fine. Our vet had a talk with us and told us to watch for when she stopped doing her favorite things..ie if she loved to chase squirrels and birds then just really didn’t notice them anymore it was her way of telling us she was missing out on favorites. It was good advice although it didn’t make it any easier. It’s a hard process! One thing that did help..the book or movie ‘ A dog’s purpose’ When you are ready, read or watch it. It’s so eye opening and I truly believe Dogs have many purposes on life. Hang in there and enjoy the snuggles!!!!
Hang in there Julie!! This is so, so, so hard. I’ve been through it and the thought of going through it someday with my current dog is enough to bring me to tears.
I will say, I let my sadness over losing my last dog keep me from getting another dog for many years. I was too scared of living a dog that way again and being hurt again. When I finally did get a new dog, it was amazing. It reminded me of why it’s “worth it” to have a pet. In hindsight, I think it would have helped me a lot to have a new friend to love sooner.
I know you aren’t ready to even go there yet and are focused on filling Sadie’s last days with joy, but do not feel guilty if sooner than expected you find yourself wanting a dog again. It’s OK and doesn’t mean we don’t deeply love our doggies in heaven.
We lost our two golden’s to cancer a few years back, before we had kids. It’s so hard to watch them struggle with the things they use to do effortlessly. One thing I’m glad we did was make garden stones with their paw prints in them. It was a way for my young niece (and us) to touch a part of them when she felt sad and wanted to remember them. I’m so sorry you’re all going through this, there’s no easy way to lose a pet, but cancer is particularly cruel. We’ll be pray for your whole family this week and you make walk this path.
My heart goes out to you. I’ve had to say good-bye to two wonderful cats – one when I had just found out I was pregnant again after suffering a miscarriage at 13 weeks. My husband was out of town on business and I didn’t feel strong enough to be in the room with him (I had brought him in to have the ultrasound so he was already under anesthesia and I had said my goodbyes to him that morning). The second time was last March, March 18 to be exact. The worst week ever. We knew the time was right when he could no longer jump up onto the vanity to drink from the sink, one of his favorite things. Both times the vet had given us the option to bring them home but I understand the feeling of pins and needles. I wouldn’t sleep well at all because I was so afraid of finding them passed away. It is so incredibly hard. You sound like you had a wonderful weekend with her. My thoughts are with all of you when it is time come and that it can be peaceful in the comfort of your own home.
I don’t know if this is something you would be interested in having, but it helped me tremendously. I can’t get the link to paste, but on Etsy, from the seller rockmyworldinc I got a nose print necklace of my dog’s nose after his lymphoma diagnosis. I had the kit expedited and it arrive within a two days. The necklace arrived a few weeks later after he had passed. If I’m missing him, I can look at that and see his little nose. I see it every time I open my jewelry box and now it makes me smile each time I see it. I’m so sorry to hear of Sadie’s diagnosis. Speaking from a still very raw place – sending our boy over the rainbow bridge from the comfort of our home was very healing for me. He too hated going to the vets office. I would have kept him forever if I could, but he let me know when it was time to say goodbye for now.
We used Laps of Love about 2 months ago to say goodbye to my 14 years Zoey. We could not imagine having to drive her to the vet and feel afraid in her last moments. Being at her home was a great comfort for us. It is a wonderful service and I hope when the time comes it brings your family comfort.
Hi Julie. Long time reader, occasional commenter. My heart breaks for you and your family. I’m very sorry.
My heart goes out to you and your family, Julie! Give that sweet girl lots of love from all of us out here who have watched her “grow up”.
Our situation with our pup was almost identical to yours but for the specific diagnosis. I grieve with you. We used Laps of Love, and it was the best choice. Know I’m thinking of you all right now.
So sorry to hear of Sadie’s cancer, Julie. We faced the same thing a couple years ago and still miss our pup Lola. She’s still a part of our family and we love spotting her in the background of so many photos of our little guys. Wishing you all a smooth if sad transition.
As I lay here and cuddle with my senior dog that I adopted 2 years ago. My life is so much better with Marley and the time I have with him is a gift. I just want to cry for you and your sweet family. I know without a doubt how much ya’ll love Sadie and made her feeling special in your growing family. You will be in my prayers.
Hi Julie,
First of all let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this with sweet Sadie. I know first hand the pain you are in. I used Lap of Love for my pug Henry back in October 2020. Although it was incredibly tough to say goodbye to my boy, the vet from Lap of Love made the experience as lovely and peaceful as possible. He was reassuring, kind and you could tell truly loves his patients. We said goodbye to my boy outside in the sunshine with his favorite toy. They are very accommodating to those kinds of requests. My sister also recently started working for Lap of Love and they really are the best. If you have any questions about the process please don’t hesitate to ask! Sending you, Ryan & the boys SO much love ❤️❤️❤️
Holding your family and Sadie in my heart! We’ve been there, and its a tremendous loss. Joining the readers who have memorialized their loved fur friends. Etsy has many options, and I have a beautiful folk art painting of my girl Tyler. Hugs!!
It was also very important to us for our dogs to be home at the end. So glad you will be able to that for Sadie. I am so very sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but you have given her a wonderful life. We get so much more from them than we give. Just a perfect example of unconditional love. Dog spelled backwards… GOD. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Awwww sweet Sadie girl. My heart is breaking for you all. Hugs and prayers.
I have followed your blog since you first had Sadie, and feel like I know her. This breaks my heart, but nothing compared to what you’re feeling. She was your first baby. I used a service similar to Lap of Love for my sweet Lab mix of 15 years and it was hands down the best way to gently and peacefully lead a fur baby to rainbow bridge. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I can tell you without a doubt–as years of blog posts and photos can attest–Sadie has had a beautiful, picture-perfect dog life. Much love to you and your sweet family.
I’m so sorry… sending you and your family and Sadie so much love.
Oh my heart is hurting for you all! Praying that you feel peace, love, and support for the days ahead.
Thank you, Julie and the Fagan family, for sharing your sweet Sadie girl with us! Thank you Sadie, for bringing followers so much joy over the years. I always love updates that include a little bit about you, and looked forward to seeing what your humans would pick for your famous birthday challenge!
Hugs to all.
The absolute hardest part of being blessed with the most perfect pet is having to say goodbye one day.
I am thinking about you and your whole family and Sadie too. I absolutely love the idea of the shared hearts.. it is so very true. Hugs
Longtime reader, rare commenter here. I got a lump in my throat reading this as it must be so hard for you and the boys. Prayers.
So sorry you’re going through this, Julie. Your last couple posts brought me to tears, as I know the immense, unique pain of losing a pet, a family member. Just wanted to say that Sadie is a very special dog that brings happiness and joy to not only you and your family but also the entire PBF community—her spirit will live on in all of us, no matter what. It’s always been clear how very much you love and care for her: She’s had the absolute best doggie life imaginable with you. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Julie: I’m so very sorry to read about Sadie’s diagnosis. I know that she feels EVERY bit of the loves you, Ryan and the boys are giving her and through all the years that she’s been with you. She will take that huge gift of love with her when her time to cross “the rainbow bridge’ comes. Dogs truly know that they are loved forever and always.
Julie, I’m so sorry to read about this. I just lost a beloved family pet this weekend so I know your pain. I truly believe pets will be with us in heaven since they are such an evidence of God’s blessing and kindness here on earth! Praying for you and your family. Sadie has had a wonderful home and life!
I am so sorry that your family is facing this, After I had to do the same with a cat, the vet said to me that the most loving act we can do for our pets is let them go. For them, not us.
I am so sorry that you guys have to go through this. Sadie will always be a part of your family. She has had such a loving home with you. Prayers coming your way.
My heart truly goes out to you. This is the hardest part of being having a pet. They are family.
I didn’t realize until reading about Sadie how long I have followed you. You didn’t have kids when I found you. My heart breaks for you during this time, and I pray for comfort for Sadie and for your family.
I learned last week that my dog had a large growth on his spleen that wasn’t there 4 months ago during his ultrasound – and they also found fluid in his abdomen thinking it had ruptured. I was told to prepare myself to make the decision. Every day I see glimmers of hope but so many declines in his health. I’m less than a week shy of celebrating our 13 year Gotcha Anniversary. And we are 99% sure tomorrow is the day. Reading through your Sadie posts gives me solace Im making the right decision. Thank you for opening up about this part of your story on your blog.