As for today, I have my coffee in hand and I’m ready to chat with you guys but my brain feels jumbled and my emotions are admittedly all over the place. I have a million different ideas for today’s blog post and figured I’d go ahead and mesh them all together in the form of a “Currently” blog post — aka the perfect all-over-the-place style blog post that makes it easy to share a little bit of everything swirling around in my frazzled brain right now. My last “Currently” blog post was in February so I figured we’re overdue anyway. Let’s dive in!
Currently: September 2023
- Currently Soaking Up… the last of summer
We’ve had some cooler mornings over the past week or so which have me craving sweater season but another part of me is keeping my feet firmly planted in summer as long as possible. I love lake days, pool time and feeling warm sunshine on my skin. We had 14 kids and 11 adults over on Sunday for nearly six hours of fun on the lake and it made me so, so happy. When we built our home, we envisioned hosting friends and family and all-day gatherings and seeing our kids light up as they splashed and swam in the lake made me feel so grateful for the one billionth time.
- Currently Can’t Believe… it’s (finally) back to school for ALL of our boys!
After living in limbo for three weeks with Chase in school and Rhett and Ryder semi-patiently awaiting the beginning of their preschool year, all three boys are back in school this week (with a staggered start for Rhett for two weeks but at least it’s something). This weird limbo zone of one kid in school and two kids out of school admittedly wasn’t my favorite. I LOVE summer and love it when all kids are home and we have complete freedom in our schedules and I love the routine that comes with the school year but the limbo zone of school for one kid and no school for two wasn’t my favorite. Apparently I’m an all or nothing kind of girl with summer or the school year so now that we can officially say school is in session in our house, I feel like I can begin to embrace our new routine.
- Currently Looking Forward To… Cheering for Ryan during his first FULL IronMan!
After months of back-and-forth, Ryan officially registered for his first FULL IronMan. He’s completed three 70.3 IronMan races and has another one he’ll be doing with my brother-in-law on his schedule for the end of September but he’s had a full IronMan in the back of his mind for a while now. A full IronMan is a LOT — we’re talking 140.6 miles (a 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike and a 26.2 mile run) — and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous for him. The distance just absolutely blows my mind but I also know he absolutely can do it. He’s dedicated, motivated and strong and we’ll be rooting for him during the race and in the two months leading up to it as his training kicks into full gear.
- Currently Remembering… Greg
Losing my father-in-law was one of the hardest things our family has faced. It’s something we still struggle with and think about often, especially as grief manifests in different ways. The other day I read Brittany’s blog post where she touched on losing her father more than three years ago. Her words were powerful and there was one part of her blog post I’ve found myself thinking about on repeat. I wanted to share her words here for anyone else who might be navigating loss in one way or another.
“One thing I know about myself now is that I don’t like to dwell in the negative. However, I have pushed myself lately to take the time to feel, really feel, these things before taking a deep breath and recentering on the beautiful life right in front of me. ‘Change the channel,’ as dad used to say. I believe that the full spectrum of emotions make us human and I want to experience it all, while always returning to face the sunshine.”
Her perspective felt like the reminder I needed to sit and feel the immense pain that can bubble up when I think about Greg and about what all Ryan experienced and is experiencing relating to the loss of his father. It also served as a reminder that it’s okay to feel those things, cry the tears we need to cry and take those shaky deep breaths even when we know what we have right in front of us is something to cherish.
- Currently Ruminating Over… Our “should be” due date
I haven’t talked much about our fourth miscarriage since sharing a little bit about it back in January and then touching on our loss again when I discussed our family’s thoughts on a fourth child in March. A big part of me feels like I’ve exhausted all discussions of miscarriage on this blog and another part of me realizes it’s probably really freaking annoying to read about for anyone out there whose longing for a child (however that may look) goes unanswered. It also felt “small” (for lack of a better word) compared to the immense loss we felt when my father-in-law passed away.
At the same time, another part of me recognizes that completely ignoring this loss in this space isn’t being true to myself either. To be honest, it is something I’ve found myself struggling more with recently, as our “should be” due date came and went in August.
My heart is struggling because I wish so deeply I had our baby at home with us right now. I wish I had our baby sleeping on my chest as I type up this post. At the same time, I still very much stand firm in the words I shared back in March and not one single thing has changed since then relating to growing our family. (We’re not trying for a baby and likely will not ever again. The thought of being pregnant again fills me with intense anxiety and I meant it when I said I don’t think my heart can go through it again.)
While I find myself longing for the baby we lost, it’s that baby I’m grieving and longing for and not necessarily another baby. This may not make any sense to many of you reading out there (and I’m not sure it would’ve made sense to me after our first losses when I was very firm in my feelings surrounding wanting more children) but it’s almost like a mess of grieving the baby we lost and praying for peace as we continue to move forward into the next phase of parenting. It’s a phase that’s so wonderful and fun and exciting and a phase I am ready for but it also feels so very final to say that’s where we’re headed. There is a swirl of emotions that bubble up when I think about it and those feelings have only felt all the more intense as the “should be” due date of the fourth baby we lost came and went last month.
- Currently Feeling… happy heartache
Last night I had a moment where I found myself sitting on the ground in the boys’ bedroom with tears rolling down my cheeks. We were about 20 minutes into a rockin’ dance party and Chase and Ryder asked me to stop dancing and sit down and watch them. As I watched our three boys dance in their matching pajamas without any inkling of self consciousness and as I watched them jump and shake and twirl with pure joy, I couldn’t help the tears. I found myself filled with what I can only describe as happy heartache.
I found myself wondering how much longer they’ll want to do this together. I found myself fully recognizing the years of unabandoned dance parties aren’t infinite and the years filled with our boys looking to me for attention, love and everything won’t last. It shouldn’t and it’s my job to make sure it doesn’t but the way I felt last night also served as a reminder to soak it all up.
As Ryan and I let Pepper out together after the boys were in bed, I told him the tears came last night because I know deep within my soul that there’s going to be a time in the future — in 10, 20, 40+ years — when I would do anything to relive last night’s dance party. We’re in the absolute thick of parenting young kids and that does not come without its challenges but we’re also in the thick of the most incredibly sweet, adorable, wonderful, consuming, fun and joyful years, too. I know it. I feel it. And I want to cherish it.
Questions of the Day
Pick a “Currently” or two and share…
- Currently soaking up…
- Currently can’t believe…
- Currently looking forward to…
- Currently remembering… (If you’d like to share more about someone you are missing deeply and remembering, I’d be honored to read more about them. I know sometimes it can feel good and cathartic to share something good about someone you miss so much.)
- Currently ruminating over…
- Currently feeling…
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Currently looking forward to all the fall activities! Apple picking, pumpkin patch, leaf piles, etc.
Currently ruminating over whether we are done having kids or not. Pretty sure we are and experiencing similar feelings about it as you.
Yesss so looking forward to all the fall activities, too.
And I wish we could sit down and chat it all out about being “done” with kids. ❤️ Soooo many layers.
Wishing your husband all the best on his Iron Man Journey my son has completed twoIronMan. Iron man Lake Placid and Ironman Alaska and they were tough physically and mentally. My heart breaks for you hearing about your miscarriages. God has a plan for all of us and sometimes it’s just hard to see it through all the pain wishing your boys the best this school year
What an incredible accomplishment for your son! Ryan is doing the one in Panama City Beach in Nov — thank you for your good luck wishes! And thank you for your kind words about our losses. ❤️
Currently looking forward to completing my half marathon this weekend. It will be nice to not “have” to do long runs any more in training! Looking forward to all the fall colors appearing soon and baking with pumpkin!
Good luck, Nyla!! Hope your race goes so well!
Also, I’m praying for God’s supernatural comfort as you grieve different losses. He understand everything you are feeling. My heart goes out to you ❤️
I appreciate your prayers so much. Thank you.
I love this post and related to so much of it so deeply.
Currently soaking up watching my baby thrive in kindergarten. It fills me with such joy to see him loving it and learning so much.
Currently looking forward to fall temps and all the fun fall activities coming to Texas…one day soon, I hope.
Currently remembering my mother-in-law. It’s been 1 year since she passed, and there are still moments I stop in my tracks and miss her and am so sad about the milestones she’s missing. As I mentioned, our baby started kindergarten and she would have LOVED to observe it all with us. She was a teacher for a long time and valued education deeply, and she would have loved to hear him talk about it. I know she’s watching and loving it from Heaven, but my heart aches that she’s not hear to talk about it with us.
YES to so much of this. There’s so much grief for what Greg is missing and what he will miss. Thank you for sharing these words about your mother-in-law and also helping me identify where some of my grief is coming from — it’s in everything I wish “could be” <3
Currently feeling emotional as my oldest started her senior year of high school today and my youngest started his freshman year . I am not quite sure how we got here so fast and I miss the days of little kid handprints and the the simple things that would bring them joy!
a senior! that’s huge! and completely understandable that you’d be especially emotional today. i hope she has an amazing year ahead <3
Good morning Julie,
I loved your “currently” post, thank you for sharing so honestly. Although I’m in a different phase of life as I’m in my late 50’s, I can relate to a swirl of emotions; summer winding down & entering a new season, and never ending but different phases of grief & trying to be ever so grateful of the present moment.
Wishing you & your family a wonderful day Julie!
Currently remembering our long haired German Shepherd, Ranger. He passed away unexpectedly in July, and for the first few weeks, the house felt empty, and quiet, even with the small dogs around. His big smile in the morning, his groans when he laid down (always picking a pathway that I eventually needed to walk through, lol). But, as time goes by, you start to realize you don’t vacuum up a ton of hair, and after washing the floor, it stays relatively clean for a while. Sigh, I still would vacuum and mop a thousand times over to have him back.
losing a beloved dog is so, so hard. i get it completely and am so sorry you’re in the thick of grief after losing ranger. their presence in our daily lives is so immense and acute and losing a dog you love so much is just devastating. i remember taking MONTHS to wash sadie’s nose prints off our windows and i’d still give anything to have her, and those messy nose prints, back.
Julie, I really appreciate you sharing this. I think that when people only post the highlights (and I don’t mean you, I mean anyone sharing on the Internet) it can start to feel unrelatable, because as human beings there always seems to be a mix of happiness, sadness, tough times, happy times, struggles with our kids, amazing moments with our kids, etc. I have been finding that especially now that I’m in my early 40s, I have been letting go of some of the people I follow who only post the highlight reels. And trust me, I have gone through this myself, where I am constantly trying to paint this perfect picture rather than sharing everything that I’m going through. I say this to thank you for sharing what is on your heart, and what is hard as a mom, because so many people can relate to it. My heart aches for you because I know what it feels like to come upon a due date after the devastating loss of a miscarriage. I experienced a miscarriage between my two boys, and desperately wanted to be pregnant again by what should have been my due date. I ended up being 6 weeks pregnant. Once I had my second son, and people would ask if we were going to try for a girl (I literally got this question within 24 hours of giving birth from two people in the hospital) I knew that while I had been determined to have a second child and probably would have kept going (though I do fear having a second miscarriage would have been extremely difficult for me, my marriage, etc.) I knew there was absolutely no way I would ever try to have another child. I just could not go through the potential heartache ever again. My husband also firmly only wanted two children and now that they are 12 and 7, having two is definitely all we can handle!! When a friend of mine miscarried her fourth pregnancy, and decided not to try again, my heart ached for her because I only knew what it was like to have a miscarriage and then a rainbow baby. So I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I’m also tremendously happy for your beautiful family to have three healthy, adorable boys. I think that as humans it can be incredibly difficult to long for the unknown, because the unknown, in our brains, is always the best, most wonderful we can imagine, right? And that is just so hard! But I know you will never regret every moment you spend with your three boys. And I know of so many very close relationships between sons and moms, well into adulthood! Thinking of you!
Whew the dance party moment is hitting me hard! I have two boys 3 and 5 and think to myself constantly to remember moments because I will yearn for them. My heart is so happy and heavy all at once!
Goodness, Julie, this one has me in an emotional swirl too. Seasonal changes are always such upheavals for me.
Currently soaking up the little things with my two year old. This morning I just sat and watched her play kitchen and wondered at what little things go through her head while she plays. Just the little raise up on her toes to reach something higher was so sweet.
Currently remembering my grandpa. He passed 18 years ago but he was such a full presence. My toddler was playing with a toy pig of his this morning and I got to tell her about how he collected all things pigs, could do a perfect Donald Duck impression, was a great artist, and talked to anyone he met everywhere he went.
To the comment about losing their German Shepherd, I felt the same way about wanting to clean up black fur after our cat passed 3 years ago.
“the raise up on her toes is so sweet” — if those aren’t the words of a mother. <3 i love this so much because it's just proof of how we feel things so, so deeply, even the smallest things, related to our little ones. we just notice SO much with our kids which is so wonderful but also so emotional, too.
and thank you so much for sharing a little bit about your grandpa with me. he sounds like he was incredibly special.
Oh I feel this so much. My oldest recently turned 5 and my baby is now 18 months old. I feel the losses and grief and completely understand the sentiment of “this baby” not just any baby. I keep catching myself feeling pain over losing my little boys as they grow older which I keep trying to take as a reminder to live in the present and make the most of this time. Hugs to you 💗
Life is so beautifully messy isn’t it? I know I wouldn’t truly appreciate the magic in the small moments without experiencing the darkness of the hard stuff.
I am currently pregnant with #2 and feeling so many emotions about it. This is our last baby. I had a really difficult first pregnancy with a preterm birth and then a MC this time last year. I have so much gratitude for my pregnancy right now, but I’m also really relieved that this will be our last child. It’s hard to explain since I love our babies so much, but I am looking forward to closing the chapter of being pregnant and having babies and excited to be moving on to all the other adventures our family will have.
I 100 percent understand exactly why you’d feel this way. <3 Congratulations on your little one! Sending you the very best wishes and prayers for a healthy and peaceful pregnancy, delivery and baby.
Oh my, this is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing your wonderfully written deepest thoughts.
I’m remembering my mom, who passed away 10 years ago from cancer. She died before I became a mother myself. I find today, my birthday, to be one of the hardest days without her. I now know that a mother’s love is so special and deep and unique, and a part of me is (selfishly?) sad that she isn’t here to celebrate with me. No one loves you like mom.
Oh Jessie, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your mother. When I lost my grandmother a friend said, “It’s always hard losing one of your biggest fans,” and I think about this so much. I’m not sure anyone is your bigger fan than your mother so I can only imagine the heartache you feel missing her so deeply. I hope you have a Happy Birthday and that you can find some joy in your special day.
Thank you! What your friend said is very true.
This was beautiful and I think you put into words what I have been feeling, too. That happy heartache, when you’re in the thick of it, but you know that there’re the times you will long for later. And at the same time, how did these babies get so big so quickly?! How did this happen?! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us, I think so many of us can relate. It helps to know you’re not alone whether it’s grief or happy heartache. ❤️
I feel all of this so much. I am a step ahead of you in parenting life… my kids are all teens now. They are 16 (almost 17), 15, and 13. Each stage has felt so precious, but now I feel like I’m hanging on for dear life. As they get busier and their activities and social lives crowd out family time, I have to keep reminding myself that I will surely find that “parenting” adults is just as precious. It’s funny, people talk about how difficult the teen years are… I have not found that at all. Of course there are difficult situations that arise, that’s any stage, but man… teens are fun! These older kids are just awesome people that I love spending time with! I still look at them like they are my babies (even though all three are much taller than me lol), and I know I still will when they are adults. (But I’m the same breath, it doesn’t make me miss my tiny ones any less… parenting is so darn complicated!)
Also, I lost my dear mom 13 years ago when my youngest was just a baby, and I also have miscarried a baby. I think the passage you quoted from your friend is so perfect. It’s important to allow yourself to feel the grief, so you can heal from it. You and your beautiful family are in my prayers, Julie. I always appreciate your transparency so much.
I feel this so deeply, Julie! I am currently remembering my mom who died nearly 2 years ago from brain cancer. The grief hits in so many different wants. I love how much my kids talk about her but my heart aches knowing that they didn’t get to know her long. They were only 2, 4 and 5 when she passed.
On that same note, I am also soaking up this stage of parenting while knowing it’s bittersweet that we are done adding babies to the family. The boys still need me a lot but it’s evolving, and I can feel the changes tugging at my heartstrings! Sending love to your family and strength and perseverance to Ryan!
Please tell me where you get they boy’s shorts. I love the shorter length and that’s hard to find for boys.
Thanks!
My dad passed away this summer at the age of 88. I’ve done a lot of reading since and this one quote has stuck with me. It is from Lemony Snicket’s Horseradish book. “It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
My children are grown and gone and it all happened so fast, but the prize at the end is realizing you raised wonderful, awesome adults.
I loved this quote and perspective; thank you for sharing <3
Julie, thanks for this post. Have you ever watched This Is Us? It captures what you’re feeling here in so many of the episodes, the sweet heartbreak that comes with loving and raising a family.
Currently drowning in back to school commitments for my one classroom and wishing I could celebrate with my own three boys. I sometimes feel my school kiddos get the best of me and they get the left over – not fair !
Currently looking forward to a warm cape cod weekend 🙂
This post has me wheeping–in that therapeutic cry that I didn’t know I needed kind of way.
Currently looking forward to making Fall memories with my two toddlers but also ruminating over my most recent miscarriage. Our due date would’ve been Christmas and now several friends are expecting new additions around that same time. Has me spiraling in the “what could’ve beens” too often lately.
My heart goes out to you as you grieve your losses and continue loving on your beautiful family❤️
Wow, this really resonated with me. Both my kids will be out of the house next year in college. So many people sent me treasure this year and when they were younger and I truly never did I was always like I can’t wait until they’re out of diapers. I can’t wait until they’re in school full-time. I can’t wait until they can do this. They can do that etc. It really makes me sad. I’m trying to embrace this new season and it’s hard, on top of that was in my mom two years ago it’s challenging so I totally got you
Currently soaking up….my last year with our kids both at their k-8 school 2 blocks from our house. Their first day of the year was Tuesday and even though I don’t need to, I walk with them most days and while walking home on my own, I was thinking how I really want to soak in this last year of a neighborhood school where they are together.
I have been following your blog since before I became a mom and now I have two boys and you are such a role model for me! It’s so clear you have such a good heart and uplift everyone around you. Continue to wish you all the best and I will pray that you will feel the loving presence of Jesus in the midst of your grief.
Wish we were having this chat over coffee! I’ve noticed over the past couple of years, too, that with each season change I get more emotional. I don’t know if it stems from the death of my dad, the kids getting older and shifting into new activities, or holidays that seem to mark the turning of a page, but wanted to encourage you that it’s a pattern I’ve noticed and once I feel it for a week or so, I get into our new swing of things are feel “normal” again (whatever that is). The first year after losing someone is so hard. Big hugs to you and Ryan <3
Oh Julie – this post has a lot of big feelings, happy and sad. Thank you sharing! You have had your fair share of loss and grief. And I want you to know we’re here for you, we feel you, we’re praying for your family.
One of my favorite posts you’ve written and the reason I always come back to your blog… I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability so much. Your words definitely helped me feel less alone in grieving my own losses. Sending lots of love to you and your family ❤️
Julie. I am so very sorry for the loss of your father in law and all your babies. I’ve only been through one miscarriage that I know of and it completely devastated me. I still tear up when I hear a specific song on the radio. It played constantly while I was grieving. Homesick by Mercyme. It’s a beautiful song. Please know you’re in my heart, thoughts and prayers. You and your family. Lots of love and hugs to you and yours. God bless you with His comfort, strength and peace.
What a beautiful post, Julie. Thank you for sharing your emotions and for normalizing the lifelong process of grieving. Your reflection on watching your children dance and recognizing the magic of that moment is profound. I am grateful that you share how you show up authentically in your real life. It is an inspiration to read your blog and to get a glimpse into the amazing person and mom that you are.
I experience that “happy heartache,” you so poignantly describe every single day with my girls (almost 9 months & 5 years old). Ugh, motherhood is so raw. Sometimes it feels like the joy gets drowned out by the sadness around how fleeting it all is and how powerless I am to do a single thing about it. Thank you for sharing this with us and for your vulnerability with all of these heavy topics. Love and loss really are the twin flames of life, and it feels like sharing it with others is the only thing that makes it bearable.
Is Ryan doing the Ironman in Augusta, Ga at the end of the month? If so, I can send you some restaurant recommendations.
He is!! And we’d love that! Honestly we do mostly to-go orders or gravitate toward places that are super kid friendly with outdoor seating when possible bc we will have 6 kids in the mix on this trip!
Here’s some restaurants to try in the downtown area and they are my favorites:
Mellow Mushroom
Edgar’s Above Broad
Nacho Mama’s
New Moon Cafe
Southern Salad
Laziza
Farmhaus
Whiskey Bar Kitchen
Boll Weevil (people mostly go here for the size of their desserts. One cake slice can feed four people!)
This is so poignant, Julie. Thank you for sharing with us. Loss is so destabilizing– and especially, loss of a parent is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with, emotionally. But you’re right, the full rainbow spectrum of emotion is what makes us human. Even the gut-wrenching agony.
Oh, I’m sorry for the thought of what could be. It is so hard to reconcile that feeling while you are also feeling the gift of blessing that you have! I only had one miscarriage, but I was 100% certain I would be done if something went wrong, so I think you are amazing with what you’ve been through. I’ve been following you for years and you are a strong, amazing woman, and an amazing mother.