Let’s start with the good things.
Christmas! Christmas was possibly the most chaotic Christmas I’ve experienced in my life.
While we resigned ourselves to the fact that we would not be fully moving into our new home until after Christmas, the days surrounding Christmas were filled with packing, moving, unpacking… and repeat. It’s not the way I would’ve preferred to spend our holiday season and while Ryan and I felt like we had serious FOMO thinking about the handful of favorite holiday activities and traditions we let fall to the wayside this year, Chase, Ryder and Rhett could not have cared less and reminded us for the one millionth time what is truly important. All of us. Together. Wherever that may be.
Christmas morning was absolutely wonderful and there’s something so deeply special about celebrating Christmas with children. The magic is amplified, their excitement is contagious and nostalgia comes at you in waves as you watch them tear through gifts, play in their pajamas for days on end and eat way too much sugar.
My mom and dad came in town on Christmas and arrived in time for Christmas dinner. You guys know how much my parents mean to me and my love and appreciation for them only grows each year. They truly made the move into our new home possible not only with their help with the boys but with the way they arrived ready to roll up their sleeves, assist with packing and even some heavy lifting. I think Ryan and I thanked them 100 times and I know that still isn’t enough.
On the topic of my parents, one of the lows our family experienced this holiday season relates to my dad’s prostate cancer. Let me begin this update by saying he is okay and I fully believe he will continue to be okay for years and years to come.
A few weeks ago, following yet another biopsy, we got news that the cancer cells in my dad’s prostate were growing and “active surveillance” was no longer the recommended course of action. Having talked to a handful of men who have remained in the “active surveillance” stage of prostate cancer for a long time (years!) with slow-growing prostate cancer, this is where we hoped my dad would remain but it looks like he will be undergoing surgery at the end of the month instead. His surgeon is wonderful and my dad and mom feel confident in his abilities. I do, too. I also know prostate cancer is something many, many men experience and overcome later in life and I have immense faith my dad will be okay.
My parents’ visit was also clouded over by news Ryan and I were keeping close to our hearts. I was pregnant again.
I was eight weeks pregnant and already had one good ultrasound at six weeks. With another ultrasound on the calendar during the week between Christmas and New Years we were hoping for good news but something deep within my gut told me things were not okay with our baby.
We have three incredible boys who light up our lives and are our absolute biggest blessings but despite this fact, it is impossible for me to take a pregnancy test and not think about the babies we have lost. I’ve now been pregnant seven times. When I found out I was pregnant again in November, I immediately thought about our miscarriages. Positive pregnancy tests in our house come along with a swirling mix of excitement, fear, hope and a lot of anxiety.
Given our history, my doctor was wonderful about scheduling early exams and early ultrasounds. Our six week ultrasound looked good. I was told to come back at 8 weeks but about a week before my appointment, I felt anxiety mix with instinct in my gut and knew something was not right. I did not experience any cramping or bleeding but all of my miscarriages have been missed miscarriages (no bleeding or outward signs of loss) so this did not do anything to reassure me. My lack of symptoms other than bloating had me arriving at my appointment expecting the worst.
I gave this pregnancy to God from the very beginning. My prayer as I awaited my ultrasound last week was for God to let this pregnancy be done early if it was not meant to be. Of course I also prayed for a healthy baby but I felt such an overwhelming sense that things were not okay. I found myself asking God for it all to be over if that was where things were headed because I’ve been through 2+ weeks of waiting for confirmation of a loss I knew was a loss in between my pregnancies with Rhett and Ryder and it was so heartbreakingly painful. I just wanted to know.
Despite confirmation of what I knew in my heart — we lost our baby — I wasn’t prepared for the sadness that followed. I thought I prepared myself but as the next few days passed, the sadness grew. I almost forgot how hard it is to see pregnant women and babies when you’re in the midst of miscarrying. I almost forgot how it feels like an excruciating sting when you see the first… and then the second… and then the third pregnancy announcement when you’re still bleeding. (Turns out New Years Day is a verrry popular day to announce a pregnancy.) I almost forgot about the pain of the “should bes” and “could bes” and “whys” that come in unexpected waves after a loss.
Part of me was going to keep this to myself. Truthfully, I am one million percent aware of the fact that I have three incredible children at home, something I know many in the throws of infertility and loss would give anything to have, and so please know I share this news with you guys not for sympathy but to be honest and transparent and share what is hurting my heart right now. Ryan and I have been through this before and we are okay.
I think one of the most painful aspects of this loss is the fact that this very, very likely may be the end of our journey to grow our family. My heart cannot take this anymore. We’ve lost more babies than we have at this point which only serves as the most poignant reminder to me how insanely lucky we are to have our boys. I’ve been hugging and kissing and loving on my babies with an even deeper sense of gratitude. My heart is feeling the most intense swirl of emotions right now.
We’ve had several days to make our way through our feelings and I’m very much looking forward to the distraction that comes along with normalcy, routines, school and blogging. I’m ready to talk with you guys again. I’m ready to feel my grief when it comes but lean into the joy I have around me.
I truly hope your 2023 is off to an incredible start. If your new year isn’t beginning in quite the way you hoped or imagined, I am with you. My heart is heavy with you and I’m hoping with each day that passes in 2023, a little more sunshine comes your way.
Thank you for making my blog a part of your life and for giving me a small place on the internet where I feel comfortable sharing way too many words about what is on my heart. You guys have always made me feel so incredibly loved and supported. When I think about our previous losses, I truly think of all of you and the stories you shared with me and the love you poured out to me when I think about how I made it through that heartache. Your comments and kindness make such a difference to me and I appreciate you so, so much.
I’m sending every single one of you best wishes for a wonderful 2023. I hope your new year is filled joy, immense peace, good news and so many blessings. Thank you for being a blessing to me.
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This sucks. I’m heartbroken for you.
My dad is 5 years cancer free after his prostate was removed. I pray for the same successful outcome for your dad.
Sending all my love.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, Julie. With all the grief in your heart, you did an amazing job navigating the complexities of miscarriage in your post. The swirl of emotions and the heartache is a lot especially this time of year and with all of the recent changes in your life. Hugs to you and Ryan!
Hi Julie! I am a long time reader but first time commenter. I related to a lot of what you shared in your post – my family went through a big move throughout the holiday season and I am also in the early days of pregnancy following a loss. Im so sorry to hear about your most recent loss.
On a more positive note – my dad had prostate cancer and surgery, and in February he’ll be 15 years cancer free! Praying & trusting it will be the same for your dad. Wishing you peace and comfort amidst the many transitions you’re experiencing right now.
Lots of prayer, both for you and Ryan, and for your Dad. Faith, hope, and love heal all, maybe not in our desired time frame, but eventually.
I’m sorry! Thank you for your vulnerability and definitely feel free to grieve and feel all the things.
Hi Julie. Sending you hugs for the pain you and your family are experiencing right now.
Wanted to share another hopeful outcome with prostate cancer with my own dad. He had the “slow growing” type in his family (his uncle lived with it for something like 30 years and never treated it!) so they hoped he could take the same approach, but I guess he had too many polyps.
He was very very scared to have surgery because of the very likely outcomes of some level of incontinence and impotence (the latter something we obviously didn’t discuss much but with two parents still happily married after 50 years, I imagine that was scary).
He did a lot of research and worked with his surgeon to land on a newer technique that is much more likely to avoid both outcomes, and surgical techniques in general have come a LONG way even in the last 5-10 years. After a short recovery he was back on his feet and for the most part (that I know of, at least) has not had any major complications. It’s never even brought up anymore aside from his regular screenings he continues to get.
While the anxiety around the surgery was legitimate and very scary, I truly believe the comfort and security he – and all of us – gained by taking more aggressive action were absolutely worth it. I’d anything, I would just make sure he has thoroughly vetted his options for a surgeon and reviewed the statistics from past patient outcomes regarding incontinence and impotence. They should be more that happy to share those and it should give him a good idea of what he can expect.
Wishing you hope, peace, healing, and comfort in 2023.
So sorry for your loss and sending you lots of love and good wishes for the year ahead!
Oh Julie, I am so sorry.
I was weeping reading the end of your post because it so closely mirrors my situation. I have three amazing kids very close in age to yours. I’ve had three miscarriages with the last of those being this past April. It was by far the most physically and emotionally draining of the losses and my husband and I had to come to the devastating decision that we couldn’t keep trying (my pregnancies have all been high risk and I’m also approaching 40). To be honest I still am not emotionally okay with the decision to stop and I go back and forth on it all the time (my husband is very clearly in the “we need to stop” camp). I offer you so much compassion and love and I pray that you take as much time as you need to come back to posting and blogging. I’ll be thinking of you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. Saying a prayer for you and your family. 💕
Sending you lots of love, Julie. Thank you for sharing about your heartbreak. I am thinking of you this New Year.
Thank you for sharing your life with us. Sending prayers and hugs during this time.💛
Sending lots of love & prayers! Grief and joy definitely co-exist…and even though you have three healthy amazing boys…you are every bit allowed to grieve and feel heartbroken. Thinking of you guys! ❤️🙏
Julie,
Thanks for being so open, honest, and transparent. I struggle so much with comparison especially being single without children at age 35 and it’s tough. I see all these happy families, especially over the holidays.
I know that seems off-topic but the point is that I thank you for being so open and honest, for sharing joy and hardship, and for that everyone struggles and life is not a Hallmark movie. Despite all we see, life is still raw and painful sometimes and I know that your truth and openness help someone else.
It is OKAY to struggle and OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.
What you are feeling is so completely valid. Yes, you have a beautiful family, a new home, and a lot of joy but that does not make what you are going through any less valid, challenging, or painful. Your feelings and your pain are so valid and yours to have. I think we oftentimes negate what we are going through because we have this or that or it could be much worse. However, we are still allowed to feel what we do. Everyone’s feelings are valid.
My good friend wrote an essay about losing her child last year and it shook me to my core. But, I needed to read it and understand it so I could support her as well as friends and people around me. I learned it’s critical to continue to speak to a person about the child they lost, just because everyone else is ready to move on….doesn’t mean you are. Your words have done the same…. giving me the insight to support others with the loss of a child.
Wishing you so much healing during this painful time. I know it is challenging to go through the grieving process another time but looking back, you have made it through and will again at your own pace, with support and time.
I’m also praying for healing for your Dad. The support system he has is so important to his journey
Love and prayers,
Courtney
Sending you so much love . Our sweet Angel babies are watching over us 🌈 I appreciate your honesty about going through that again as we just welcomed our rainbow x5 and have one embryo left and I just don’t know if I can stand the heartache of another loss if that happened . I’m so so sorry Julie it never gets easier and having kids and the wonders they are almost makes it harder ❤️❤️❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending love and light and healing.
I’m so sorry about your loss. Thank you for talking about it. 2.5 years of infertility with 4 miscarriages and this new years was our 3rd thinking this year will be the one that gives our daughter a sibling. I’m with you, I can’t keep doing this 💔
Sending you love Julie. Also sending you peace on whatever decision you make from here with growing your family. The decision to close this big chapter on our motherhood journey – despite our own reasons and experiences in itself is gut wrenching (In my head 4 is our perfect number but only one of us is on board)
Last year I experienced two missed miscarriages and your previous blog posts helped me feel so much less alone. I’m so sorry you had to go through it again. I’ll be thinking about you and your family ❤️
So sorry for your loss. You’re an amazing mama to your babies on this earth and the ones in heaven-all they know is your love!!
I’m so sorry. You are one strong woman for all that you have been through. I could never have gone through that many losses myself so definitely look up to you on that, although painful and heartbreaking. Hugs as you maneuver through this all. May 2023 be a good year for you and your family! ❤️
Julie,
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I’m a long time reader but have never commented. I have had two missed miscarriages and I drew so much strength from you when these were going on. I know it must be hard sometimes to share something so deeply personal, but just know you have truly helped more people than you could ever know. I’m so so sorry you have to go through this again. Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts your way, as well as for your dad.
Blessings to you and Ryan and prayers for healing.
My heart hurts for you as I know that pain quite personally too. Thank you for your authenticity. It really helps us in the same boat. Many prayers to you and your family.
Ugh. I remember reading of your first 3 miscarriages and sharing one of your posts with my sister who was also going through a miscarriage at that time. Your words helped her in a way I was not able to. Keep hugging your boys & your dad and enjoy all the times (even when they drive you absolutely bonkers!) Its been 13 years since my dad passed away from a very aggressive cancer and we hadn’t even had time to process that he was sick before he was gone. Not looking for sympathy, but just wanted you to know I understand a very tiny part of what you’re feeling. ❤
So sorry for your loss. Thanks for putting words to the pain and sadness of pregnancy loss. It can be very isolating, so thanks for sharing and helping me feel less alone. Praying for you and your family.
I’m so sorry for all you are experiencing right now. Sending you love and keeping you all in my thoughts.
Julie, my heart aches for you and Ryan. I’ve been reading your blog since you got married and it’s been so fun to “grow up” with you. Sending you and yours lots of love.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your grief. I have always found comfort in your words over the years when I was dealing with my own losses. I have 2 beautiful boys and have had 4 miscarriages – 2 of which were back to back this past spring. Having gone through loss before, I always think I know exactly how I will feel then the emotions come crashing down. The pain and heartbreak make it so hard to fathom that you could go through it even one more time. Praying for peace for you and your family as you navigate this part of your journey🤍
Your words have so much truth in them and I can relate so much. I truly thought I was prepared for how I would feel and then it’s like everything slammed into me later that evening after my doctor’s appointment. I’m sorry you know how much this can hurt.
Thinking of you, Julie ❤️
I’m so heartbroken for you. Thank you for sharing. Keeping you and Ryan in my prayers 💛💛.
You are loved. I’m is so sorry for the loss your family is experiencing.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I’ve been reading your blog for years, since you were pregnant with your first. I’ve been reading your highs and lows. Thinking of you and your family.
I love you and your family Julie, and my heart goes out to you. My thoughts and prayers are with ya’ll.
I’m so sorry for all your losses Julie. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you a year of healing and peace ❤️
I read this post early today and spent some time later today praying for you, that God would comfort you right now in the way only He can. I will continue to pray for supernatural comfort in this very hard season. Love and hugs ❤️
Prayers for you and your dad Julie. Nothing I can write will take the grief away or lessen it any but lots of love and hugs to you. You do not grieve alone or in vain. Despite your heartbreaking loss may you feel God’s comfort, strength and peace. He’s right there with you. And may your 2023 be filled with joy, love and wonderful memories.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. May you find peace and comfort during this difficult time.
Julie – I am so incredibly sorry for you and Ryan and the loss of your baby. I hope that the many people who love and care about you and your family is felt very deeply and helps you each and every day. Also, sending positive thoughts for your dad’s upcoming surgery and recovery. (HUGS)
Thank you for sharing so honestly. You have an amazing gift for combining light and breezy content with open, vulnerable and raw truths- it is surely what keeps people coming back after all these years. I very much appreciate what you are putting out into the world.
Thank you for sharing about your loss. I have one healthy baby and experienced my first miscarriage a few weeks ago. It rocked me in a way that I wasn’t expecting. The only thing that helped me get through it was reading about other women who had experienced the same. Sending internet hugs to you all.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Also sending thoughts and prayers for your dad. My dad had prostate cancer 11 years ago (he’s doing well today) and had his prostate removed only for them to find it spread outside of it. He went through radiation treatment and has been cancer free since. It’s absolutely amazing what they can do with treatment these days and I have all the faith your dad will be OK.
Sending you so much love!
I am so, so glad your dad is okay. He sounds so strong and yes I am so incredibly grateful for the advances in treatment for a cancer that affects so, so many men. <3 Thank you for sharing this with me.
I am so sorry. There is a unique bond between mothers and these precious little ones. It’s truly a mystery why these things happen .I have to believe these babies are known to God and are loved by him as well as their mommas. You are a brave lady to share this with all of us. Please know we are hurting alongside you and your sweet family. As I understand it, each baby who was lost has a spirit and that spirit lives on in your three boys. Please give yourself all the time you need to recover . You are having to deal with a lot of big things all at once.
Payers for your Daddy. I’m so sorry you are going through this again. Many payers to you and Ryan and the boys.
xo
I was pregnant three times in 2022, six months total, with no baby to show for it.
We have two amazing children and have decided we are done trying, and I so understand that complicated mix of grief and gratitude you describe.
Here’s to moving forward in 2023. <3
I hate that you can relate to this on a personal level. Sending you love. Thank you for sharing this with me and know that I am just so, so sorry for your losses.
I am so sorry about your miscarriage. You are in my prayers.
Sending you and your family hugs. <3
Awww, Julie, I’m so sorry. It’s okay to feel loss. I especially identify with the discussion on stopping. We recently decided to stop at one kid, and I sobbed. I always wanted more and the timing just never worked for more. I know how lucky I am that I’ve only been pregnant once and have one beautiful child, but will always mourn what might have been.
Yes, exactly. I feels like a very, very big decision and it’s absolutely adding to my emotions right now. Sharing this and also speaking with many women in person and also through DMs and emails over the past few days has me realize the decision to stop having more kids isn’t often a simple one of feeling “done” and often comes with so, so many layers of emotions. Sending you love.
Thank you for continuing to share your journey and all the ups and downs. I’m am so incredibly sorry for your loss. During my own pregnancies (those I miscarried and those I carried to term, five total), I always looked to you as someone who had been there and was able to carry on through it all. The love you have for your boys can coexist with your grief about the ones you have lost, but know that your openness truly is helping someone else out there.
Long time reader and first time commenting. My uncle has been prostate cancer free 15 years- sending prayers to your dad! We had a miscarriage in between our two kids, now 18 and 14, and after our son was born, we decided he completed our family and didn’t try again even though we wanted another child. I’m so very sorry for your loss, sending you virtual hugs.
You have such a gift for putting incredibly nuanced topics into words. Thank you so much for this blog and for this post Julie – love to you and your family <3
“I’m sorry” is not enough…but I’m so terribly sorry. I experienced my first miscarriage two days after Thanksgiving this year, and it tore me apart. When I could feel in my gut that I was going to lose my baby, I actually went through and read some of your blog posts on pregnancy loss, weeping because I knew this was going to be me, too. I’m so sorry you’re enduring this pain. Please know that sharing in this space helped me in a very real way as I came to realize that I, too, was losing my baby. I wish you never had a reason to write these articles, but they were a lifeline for me in the worst weekend of my life. I know we share similar comfort in our faith. Jesus has said to “let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for such is the kingdom of God.” This includes even the very littlest of his children. This child was so loved, and so wanted. I grieve alongside you. Sending all my love and prayers to you and your family, Julie.
Marta, your comment has me in tears again this morning. Thank you for sharing something so personal with me. Words like yours truly carry me through this heartache and I appreciate you so much. Thank you. And I am so incredibly sorry you know the pain of this loss firsthand.