I love the way Gretchen approaches the idea of happiness in a methodical way. Through her books and her podcast, she gives concrete ideas to implement to try to increase your personal happiness while always mentioning the fact that people are different and derive happiness in different ways. (For example some people feel happier when they make their bed every day while having an unmade bed doesn’t affect others’ happiness in the slightest. I am totally on team Never Make the Bed, by the way.)
Last week, I headed out on an early afternoon walk with Chase and Sadie. Springtime in Charlotte is gorgeous and after working for a few hours during Chase’s naptime, I was craving some time in the sun. The topic of Abstainers vs. Moderators came up on Gretchen’s Happiness podcast and I thought it would make an interesting blog post, specifically when applying it to one’s desire to live a healthier life. I’m in Gretchen’s camp and believe that understanding whether we are an abstainer or a moderator can truly help our desire to live a happier and healthier life.
Abstainers vs. Moderators
First, just in case you are unfamiliar with the concept, here’s a brief breakdown of Abstainers vs. Moderators:
If you’re anything like me, you quickly placed yourself in one of the above categories without question.
It can be easier to figure out whether you are an abstainer or a moderator when you think about it in a certain context.
Moderators succeed more frequently when they make moderate changes and avoid absolutes and defined lines. For example, thought of never eating French fries or chocolate for a month sounds horrible and is enough to immediately turn them off.
Abstainers, on the other hand, have a harder time with moderation and the thought of indulging in something here and there stresses them out more than the thought of eliminating it altogether. Totally removing something from the life of an abstainer is easier for them than juggling thoughts of indulging a little here and there, as they struggle to stop something once they’ve started. Eating a few French fries sounds more limiting to abstainers than not eating any French fries to begin with since stopping something once they’ve started is more challenging for them.
Gretchen notes that abstainers and moderators are often quite judgmental of each other, with moderators saying things like, “It would be better to learn how to manage yourself” or “Can’t you let yourself have a little fun?” while abstainers say things like, “You can’t keep cheating and expect to make progress” or “Why don’t you just go cold turkey?”
It’s important to remember that different approaches work for different people. (There is a very clear exception, however, when it comes to addictions where Gretchen notes that people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)
The abstainer/moderator character traits often manifest themselves around technology. Some people can play games like Candy Crush, check their phone before bed or watch one 30-minute episode of a TV show and turn things off and walk away without any kind of internal struggle. Abstainers, on the other hand, may have a much harder time turning off their phones at night, stepping away from Candy Crush or watching only one episode of a TV show.
I am, without a doubt, an abstainer. I find it much easier to simply avoid something indulgent than to have “just a bite” or a little taste of technology. To me, just a bite almost always leads to many, many bites, especially if it’s something I love like ice cream and watching just one episode of a show I love like Friends sounds way less appealing than curling up on the couch and watching a million.
I’m the same way when it comes to reading. If you told me I could only read one chapter of a book I’m loving before bed, I’d rather not read it at all because I want to have the ability to read until my eyelids are practically closing.
(Side note: I highly recommend the above book. A great read!)
Ryan is also an abstainer and since ice cream is both of our favorite food in the world, we try not to keep it in the house at all because we know we will never just sit down and have a half-cup serving or two. (Who decided half a cup is a serving of ice cream anyway?) We know this about ourselves and now if we want ice cream, we go out and buy it, knowing full well ice cream will not last 24 hours in our house.
We’re totally okay with eating a ton of ice cream on occasion but know that keeping ice cream in our house at all times would lead to daily indulgences beyond a simple small-bowl serving so we try not to keep it in the freezer at all.
I also think about this in the context of going out to eat at a restaurant. If a bread basket or a plate of sweet potato fries are placed in front of me, I don’t have an off-switch and will typically eat my fair share until the food is gone. The thought of a couple of fries or a small piece of bread sounds horrible to me. I’d much rather have none or have a ton. All or nothing!
I remember once reading a tip from Bethenny Frankel in a magazine about the law of diminishing returns when it comes to eating dessert. She talked about how the first bite is always the most satisfying and how after that bite, every bite thereafter is less and less enjoyable, so she sticks to a couple of bites of dessert and then puts her fork down. She is clearly a moderator!
When I read Bethenny’s tip, I remember thinking, “What!? I love ALL bites of cake. Who can eat just a couple of bites!?” Clearly I am not a moderator. If I’m going to eat dessert, I’m going to eat ALL of that dessert.
Gretchen notes how understanding whether you’re an abstainer or a moderator can increase your personal happiness because you can make decisions that best suit your personality and characteristics.
She specifically applies this to her desire to live a healthier life. As an abstainer, Gretchen doesn’t buy cookies and keep them in her house because she knows she can’t eat just one cookie. The thought of eating one cookie stresses her out more than not having cookies in her house at all since she’s more of a five cookie kind of person. For a moderator, grabbing one cookie on occasion sounds much more appealing than never having access to cookies at all in the first place.
I identify with Gretchen on this one whole-heartedly. I love sweets and don’t eliminate them from my diet at all, but I do try to keep them out of our house. If I really want something sweet, I’ll bake a batch of cookies knowing full well I’ll eat a ton of dough and more than just a cookie or two when they come out of the oven. By not keeping sweets in the house, I eliminate the stress of avoiding sweets on a daily basis from my life. If I really want something, I have it, but I try not to have immediate access to sugary treats at all times because I will always go to town on the sweet treats.
Question of the Day
- Are you an abstainer or a moderator?
- Do you think understanding whether you are an abstainer or a moderator could help you live a healthier and happier life?
I am absolutely an abstainer. If I want something, I want ALL of something! This is interesting to me because I definitely believe in the whole “moderation” approach to healthy living, but to me that looks more like eating a TON of ice cream every once in a while rather than a small bowl of it daily.
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I am 100% an abstainer! It’s so hard for me to have a little of something and I usually end up saying YOLO and eating every last bite. Knowing that it’s a thing is helpful, but I definitely end up caving sometimes anyway.
I am totally an abstainer too. We don’t have junk food in the house because I will eat it, and all of it, and way too quickly… like the Easter bunny that disappeared yesterday 😉 I agree that having treats from time to time is a good thing, but I always go out of the house and get it, enjoy it, and then it’s done. Much easier than trying to control the temptation.
I don’t know what I am. I eat what I want, just healthy versions of it. I guess my style is like the blogger Chocolate Covered Katie. I always have ice cream in the freezer but it’s no sugar added vanilla.
This helped me see that I am an abstainer but my Husband is a moderator.
He is always saying to me ” just eat a little. Why do you have to eat the whole bag (of chips)”
Clearly we approach things differently.
Exactly! I think it’s interesting how Gretchen says moderators and abstainers can be somewhat judgmental of each other — it can be hard for one to understand the other!
This is so eye opening! My husband is an abstainer and I’m the moderator. It is such a struggle for us to support each other in healthy habits!
Most of the time I end up hiding my treats from my husband lol I’ve even buy my ice cream in packages of 3oz cups! Now I know why this is so baffling to my husband!
I am the same way! I am definitely a moderator and my fiancé is an abstainer. Especially when it comes to working out and food. If I am craving ice cream, I can easily take one big bite and be satisfied (I get it from my mom) whereas my fiancé will crush a carton in a week. I also have the same attitude when working out. I would much rather get a good work out in even if I only have 15 minutes, whereas he would think, “I only have 15 minutes, I’ll save my work-out for tomorrow.”
I get both sides- but I can see how we can be judgmental of each other. 😉
I am definitely an abstainer. My husband and I cannot keep sweets in our house because we will consume all of them at once. However, we do allow ourselves one day a week where we get to indulge in a sweet treat, dinner, or lunch…. but it is only one meal or treat a week.
By the way, I read The Happiness Project after I saw it on your blog. I plan on reading Better Than Before once I finish re-reading all of the Harry Potter books! I also listen to Gretchen and Elizabeth’s podcast. Thank you for introducing me to their world. I LOVE it! If you are looking for another podcast to fall in love with I would recommend #girlboss radio with Sophia Amoruso. She is fantastic!
I’m a mix – ice cream? No way can I keep it in the house for the reasons you mentioned. Tv? I totally watch just one episode before bed!
Technology is much easier for me to walk away from, too, but when I think about it related to reading or something I absolutely love, it makes me realize I am definitely an abstainer. I love reading and the thought of reading one chapter of a good book to me sounds horrible! I’d truly rather not read at all than only read a few pages of a compelling novel.
Me too…which is why I read nonfiction. It’s a lot more putdownable.
Interesting. I’m definitely an abstainer. I wonder if this trait could be genetic or even gender related. It seems like a lot of my girlfriends can relate with me on wanting to eat the entire bread basket at Carabbas where as most guys I know do not feel tempted to eat the whole box of Publix cookies or scroll through their Instagram feed for 45 minutes. Maybe they just lose focus or interest more quickly 🙂
Told I could just read one chapter of a book?! No way! And I also loved Henrietta Lacks.
The Happiness Project is my favourite book!!! Only thanks to your review did I read it so I have to get Better than Before! I’m DEFO an abstainer, much to my own demise though I know how to handle myself now! It definitely played a key part in all my years of eating disorders, determination and abstaining to the detriment of my own health.
I really liked the “Happiness Project” as well. I wish I could be one of those everything in moderation people, but I guess I am just not made that way. So I admit to being abstainer. It is just easier for me that way.
Interesting. While I identify with the moderation view, my boyfriend is most certainly an abstainer!! Makes sense as we often view food choices differently!!
http://www.ablondeinanairport.com
Wow this is so interesting. I really enjoyed reading the happiness project, I’ll have to pick up the follow up book too! I’m totally a moderator and have no problem having one cookie or couple bits of chocolate and walking away! Thanks for sharing this post–really great idea!
I think I am a little of both. I fall into the category of abstainer because if we make cookies in the house, they are gone in a day. We just try not to keep junk food in the house because we know we can’t “snack” or “grab a handful.” However, I also think some aspects of my life I am a moderator, especially when it comes to healthy living. I think if you completely abstain from everything it could be miserable. You have to be able to treat yourself every now and then and it be ok. I have heard a lot of good things about this book. I will definitely be looking into it!
Wow…loved this topic! Like you, I have always thought that a healthy lifestyle includes “all things in moderation.” I really struggle with sweets as well and always felt like this was a fault of my own–I see now I am just an abstainer! I always try to convince myself that I will eat something I love (ahem…double stuff oreos) in moderation, then get so discouraged when I go overboard. I will definitely use this insight about myself to make better decsions!
Also, as someone else mentioned, my husband is totally a moderator. I try to keep sweets stocked for him that I don’t like so that I’m not tempted! 🙂
An abstainer for all things sweet! Definately!
I have just discovered the Happiness Project podcasts and have been loving them! Lots of great tips & tricks!
100% abstainer but like you, I do believe in moderation when living healthy. My husband is a moderator for sure. He LOVES neopolitan ice cream and when we have a tub in the house, he occasionally gets one bowl and that satisfies him. (I LOVE all kinds of ice cream also, but I recently developed an allergy to dairy so I know I can’t eat it). Now, if I wasn’t allergic to dairy, it wouldn’t last two days!
Also, you were my life saver with putting jelly on egg sandwiches. It was my FAVORITE breakfast, but I also now found out I’m allergic to eggs. So Jelly on a bacon English muffin has to do.
Great post! I was actually just talking to a couple girlfriends about this. I am absolutely an abstainer, 100%. My girlfriends and husband all claimed to be moderators. It’s so fascinating to me that there are people that can only eat a little bit of something. For me it’s more like 1 Cheez-It = 1 box of Cheez-Its! #cantstopwontstop.
I cracked up at your line about how many people probably know immediately which one they are, because I definitely knew IMMEDIATELY what I am – an abstainer! I find your point about ice cream so relatable. It’s also my favorite thing in the whole world, but I haven’t bought ice cream to keep in our freezer in well over five years! People find this shocking because they know I love ice cream, but I’ve always known that I have no control over how much of it we would eat if we had it around! We much prefer to just run out and spoil ourselves with a sweet treat on occasion when we want it instead of having it every night.
Definitely an abstainer. If I am trying to eat healthier, I need to keep sweets out of the house. There is no such thing as just one bite for me. If it is there, I will eat it. I’ve tried joining the moderator camp, but it just doesn’t work for me. And portion sizes on MOST things…totally unrealistic. Half a cup of ice cream?! Have you see how much that is? Or the little bags of chex mix that are actually like 3.5 servings. Who eats half a serving?!
Definitely a moderator. Except with smoking cigarettes… I know if I have even one puff, I’ll start again. It’s been 16 years! But, I’m the one who has the bag of chocolate, eats one or two and puts it in the fridge for I don’t know how long… oh wait, it’s still there! LOL! But seriously, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks was freaking fantastic!!! I started reading it by accident (I work in a college reading lab, and it was laying around. Once I picked it up, that was all she wrote – no pun intended). I read it in about a day and a half.
Such a good book! And that’s so great you gave up smoking 16 YEARS ago. Good for you!!! <3
This is an interesting topic. I think I am both. I would say I am a moderator most of the time but when it comes to certain things, abstaining is the way to go. I don’t think I could be 100% one or the other. Now I am going to think about this with everything I do today haha!
I am a moderator! My husband and I always have quite a few sweets in the house but we’re both able to just eat a little bit after dinner for something sweet without any problem. In fact, ice cream is my all-time favorite dessert as well and we always have some in our freezer because my father-in-law owns a homemade ice cream store! (It’s called Udderly Delicious in Hickory, NC if you are ever driving through the area!! My favorite is the Hoof Prints flavor…It’s Oreo ice cream with peanut butter cups and a fudge swirl…DELICIOUS!)
Ooooo I live near Hickory – I’ll have to try it! Ice cream is my favorite dessert, too. 🙂
At the beginning of the post I thought I was a moderator but now I’m thinking maybe I’m an abstainer.
You can be both! It depends on what you’re trying to resist (sweets, alcohol) or habit you’re trying to keep (exercise, putting down the technology.
I’m a moderater on most things, but I loved Words with Friends so much that I was spending HOURS trying to get the best words. I decided to limit myself to playing with just two of my best friends but I was taking even longer on each turn since I had so few turns. Do I just said “forget it, cold turkey, it’s cutting into my reading time do I’m through with this. ”
When I was with my girlfriends (who got me hooked on it ) on a ski trip, they were all playing it on their devices and I admitted I’d given it up because I loved it too much.
Wow, they said. You have a lot of self discipline! And I was like No! I have NONE which is why I don’t play anymore!
But still as a moderater, I eat too many sweets but I’m no longer trying to have a bikini body, so I just don’t care as much as I should because apart from weight I know they make me feel less healthy: energetic so I just try to eat them for dessert when my work is done anyway.
Oh my. Another bad habit: commenting on blogs when I should be in bed!
So. This moderater will sign off, but enjoyed the discussion of two of my favorite books.
So. I suck. But at least I know now why some things are easier to just abstain completely from.
I am an abstainer for sure! I want ALL THE BITES if I get just a little one, so I’d rather keep food I tend to overindulge on out of my house.
Oh, I’m probably an abstainer. I’m like you. If there’s a food I love in the house, it’ll be gone within 24 hours. I do best when I plan ahead for everything. It’s kind of ridiculous.
Abstainer, absolutely. I don’t keep anything I don’t want to eat in the house. Binge watcher until the wee hours, yes. It makes so much sense! And I live with a moderator who doesn’t understand why I eat all the oreos? Why not just have one or two? Because I want them all!! Diminishing returns on desserts? Crazy talk.
Very interesting subject, thanks for sharing! 😀 I also identify as an abstainer and sometimes it’s frustrating living around moderators and asking myself why I can’t seem to stop at just one serving! It’s so much easier to have a lot of something once in a while…especially ice cream 😉
i am completely an abstainer, but i wish i was a moderator. it seems much more, “normal”
100 percent abstainer in all areas of life. yup. give me 4 baskets of chips at a mexican restaurant a few times a year… or zero chips the rest of the year. To me, limiting how much i can eat takes the joy out of it.
Gosh this made me feel more normal. 🙂
thanks Julie for a great blog, as always!
I love this thought and have read The Happiness Project and listen to Gretchen on occasion. I am most definitely an abstainer and my husband is a moderator. We have definitely found a happy balance in the health department. He knows that I don’t like keeping things in the house that are temping like cookies or ice cream, but I don’t mind going out for treats on occasion.
I feel like I could have written this post myself. I fall under the abstainer category as well. I have absolutely no self-control when it comes to sweet treats like fudgy brownies or ice cream. I always eat way more than I should. I have a few squares of dark chocolate for dessert during the week, and then on the weekends I bake brownies or buy ice cream knowing that I will eat more than my fair share of it in a short amount of time. I wish I could be a moderator when it comes to dessert, but I’ve tried it before and it just doesn’t work for me so I’ve accepted that I am an abstainer.
I’m definitely an abstainer, especially when it comes to trying to establish new habits. However, I fine that abstaining ends up being the tool that teaches me how to eventually be moderate about something and what I need to do to keep it up. If I start slipping into bad habits, I’ll abstain for a while again to re-establish the better habit. It works for me!
I’m totally with you on the ice cream thing though, haha. We both love ice cream, but we don’t often keep it in the house partially because it leads to bad habits, but also because it’s just a nice thing to do to go out for it instead. Similarly, I won’t buy sweets except for chocolate (which I keep in the freezer and eat bit by bit), but I will bake cookies etc. Having to bake whatever I want is enough of a barrier that it doesn’t happen all of the time and when it does it’s an activity and an event.
Team Abstainer! Similar to you, I wish I could follow a more moderator approach to goodies, etc. Lori and Michelle (authors of the blog PurelyTwins) are moderators and enjoy desserts almost daily – and I envy them! While I love their desserts I just have such a hard time being satisfied with smaller servings of treats or one cookie or one brownie. I find that I am more satisfied when something is visually appealing and fills up the bowl or plate. At least I know how to trick my mind into feeling satisfied! 😉
LOVE THIS. I am such an abstainer. Give me a bag of chocolate, pint of ice cream, basket of tortilla chips, or pan of brownies and I can demolish it. Let me play Candy Crush, and I’m playing straight through my lives. I’m a very all-or-nothing person, and this made me feel so much more normal.
I absolutely an an abstainer with pretty much all things in my life- I really love Gretchen Rubin too, but have yet to read this one. It’s funny, because over the years I have gotten a lot better with adopting some moderator habits when it comes to certain things like technology or even with work (out of necessity of being a freelancer and having to schedule smartly)– but when it comes to food, I am naturally an abstainer. I think you’d really enjoy the book, the Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg and you should also check out Kelly McGonigal’s “The Willpower Instinct.” Her TED talks are also amazing: http://www.livingminnaly.com/allposts/2016/3/28/bananas-foster-yogurt
Thanks for sharing, Julie!
Very interesting post! I’m definitely an abstainer but agree with others that my husband is a moderator – he definitely eats his fair share of sweets but has an easier time than I do saying that he is full and doesn’t want anymore. I wonder if there is some gender relation to this? Obviously there would be exceptions but I feel like most of my female friends would be with me and most of my male friends would be with my hus. I like this because it doesn’t put either one in a negative category. I feel like it is easy for one to look at the other and say they lack self-control, but it’s just different approaches to self-control.
Weirdly enough, when I started reading your Abstainer / Moderator chart at the top I immediately put myself in the Abstainer category. I was thinking in terms of “doing things / spending money” and I am much more likely to not go shopping or not go to a party without any feeling of missing out.
However, in terms of food I’m completely a Moderator! I could NEVER give up sweets for any period of time. The thought is terrifying! While I do go nuts on chocolate/candy every once in a while (hello, Easter weekend), for the most part I have a small dessert each day and that’s enough for me. So strange ha.
This is a super interesting topic. Thanks for sharing! I am absolutely an abstainer, which makes it difficult being a dietitian to preach all things in moderation! It’s helpful to see that once again, different things work for different people!
This is totally a concept I have NEVER thought about! I am totally a moderator. For. Sure.
I’m most definitely an abstainer. I’m also a Questioner. It sounds cheesy but I truly found Better Than Before life changing. So much of my habit formation makes sense now!
I do find it interesting how often moderation is pushed in the health world, even though clearly so many of us are abstainers.
I love this because it illustrates that there’s not just one way to live a healthy life. I think I’m definitely more of a moderator. I can bake a whole batch of brownies and only eat one of them. Some foods are harder than others, though (looking at you, BBQ chips!). I just try to keep those more hidden so I forget they’re there.
Wow, I really don’t identify with either one. Maybe that makes me a moderate abstainer!
I am actually kind of disappointed because it seems a lot easier to be one or the other.
I’ve not heard of this concept // theory prior to this. But I immediately knew I was an abstainer. Like you said, I don’t do a little bit of anything. It’s 7 cookies or nothing. I’ve tried hard for years to be a moderator. But I guess maybe I am better off just embracing what I am and working around it, playing off my strengths.
It works with everything for me. I won’t clean just 5 minutes a day. I’ll go full on Spring Cleaning Warrior & spend all day cleaning, or I’ll work out every planned workout for months, but if I skip 1 it’s a downward spiral.
Off to put her book on hold at the library!
Interesting! I love that your blog posts are so varied! I don’t really leave comments on blogs but always tend to want to weigh in at the end of yours. I’m definitely an abstainer. Didn’t realize it was a thing, but it makes total sense as you explained it. I won’t download new games on my phone for that reason; it’s such a time suck. I got the Happiness Project because of you and can’t wait to read it. So many books, so little time. 😉
I’m actually both depending on what we are talking about. I do sometimes have a hard time stopping especially trigger foods but I also refuse to give them up totally. Like you I try not to buy foods I have no control over eating, like chips and pretzels, but I would never give them up totally either. Love this post btw. Got me over here doing some self reflection 🙂
I’m an abstainer through and through. This is so interesting. There have been times in my life where I’ve just decided to give something up no problem and that was that. Like soda. When I was a teenager, I just decided one day that I was having too much and it was expensive, so I just stopped doing it. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve had it at this point. This book sounds amazing. What an awesome tip.
What a neat concept! I’m totally an abstainer. And it answers a lot about why I struggle with my husband, who is clearly a moderator. He loves to have snacks and treats in the house so that he can have a bite here and there. But if I know it’s in the cabinet, I will eat it all until it’s gone. It’s totally the ice cream mentality. I would rather buy a pint on a night that I know I want it than to have a big tub of it in the freezer.
I loved reading this post! I am finishing up my first Whole30 and after reading this post I realized I am totally an abstainer, which is why I have had success following the Whole30 plan & am thinking of extending the plan to complete a Whole60. My birthday is coming up too and I will definitely be adding Gretchen’s books to my wish list.
Love this concept (and everyone’s comments around it). I am mostly a moderator- I feel very constricted if I tell myself I can’t have anything. However, I sometimes will eat a bunch of something (like an entire bag of chips in one sitting), and then I just won’t want any for months afterwards. So I find it balances out in the end. So I guess that’s more of a moderator?
Bethany Frenkel… Weird presence in an “health” blog… The girl has a bmi of a child and seems to have a not so normal relation to food and body image…