I love the way Gretchen approaches the idea of happiness in a methodical way. Through her books and her podcast, she gives concrete ideas to implement to try to increase your personal happiness while always mentioning the fact that people are different and derive happiness in different ways. (For example some people feel happier when they make their bed every day while having an unmade bed doesn’t affect others’ happiness in the slightest. I am totally on team Never Make the Bed, by the way.)
Last week, I headed out on an early afternoon walk with Chase and Sadie. Springtime in Charlotte is gorgeous and after working for a few hours during Chase’s naptime, I was craving some time in the sun. The topic of Abstainers vs. Moderators came up on Gretchen’s Happiness podcast and I thought it would make an interesting blog post, specifically when applying it to one’s desire to live a healthier life. I’m in Gretchen’s camp and believe that understanding whether we are an abstainer or a moderator can truly help our desire to live a happier and healthier life.
Abstainers vs. Moderators
First, just in case you are unfamiliar with the concept, here’s a brief breakdown of Abstainers vs. Moderators:
If you’re anything like me, you quickly placed yourself in one of the above categories without question.
It can be easier to figure out whether you are an abstainer or a moderator when you think about it in a certain context.
Moderators succeed more frequently when they make moderate changes and avoid absolutes and defined lines. For example, thought of never eating French fries or chocolate for a month sounds horrible and is enough to immediately turn them off.
Abstainers, on the other hand, have a harder time with moderation and the thought of indulging in something here and there stresses them out more than the thought of eliminating it altogether. Totally removing something from the life of an abstainer is easier for them than juggling thoughts of indulging a little here and there, as they struggle to stop something once they’ve started. Eating a few French fries sounds more limiting to abstainers than not eating any French fries to begin with since stopping something once they’ve started is more challenging for them.
Gretchen notes that abstainers and moderators are often quite judgmental of each other, with moderators saying things like, “It would be better to learn how to manage yourself” or “Can’t you let yourself have a little fun?” while abstainers say things like, “You can’t keep cheating and expect to make progress” or “Why don’t you just go cold turkey?”
It’s important to remember that different approaches work for different people. (There is a very clear exception, however, when it comes to addictions where Gretchen notes that people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)
The abstainer/moderator character traits often manifest themselves around technology. Some people can play games like Candy Crush, check their phone before bed or watch one 30-minute episode of a TV show and turn things off and walk away without any kind of internal struggle. Abstainers, on the other hand, may have a much harder time turning off their phones at night, stepping away from Candy Crush or watching only one episode of a TV show.
I am, without a doubt, an abstainer. I find it much easier to simply avoid something indulgent than to have “just a bite” or a little taste of technology. To me, just a bite almost always leads to many, many bites, especially if it’s something I love like ice cream and watching just one episode of a show I love like Friends sounds way less appealing than curling up on the couch and watching a million.
I’m the same way when it comes to reading. If you told me I could only read one chapter of a book I’m loving before bed, I’d rather not read it at all because I want to have the ability to read until my eyelids are practically closing.
(Side note: I highly recommend the above book. A great read!)
Ryan is also an abstainer and since ice cream is both of our favorite food in the world, we try not to keep it in the house at all because we know we will never just sit down and have a half-cup serving or two. (Who decided half a cup is a serving of ice cream anyway?) We know this about ourselves and now if we want ice cream, we go out and buy it, knowing full well ice cream will not last 24 hours in our house.
We’re totally okay with eating a ton of ice cream on occasion but know that keeping ice cream in our house at all times would lead to daily indulgences beyond a simple small-bowl serving so we try not to keep it in the freezer at all.
I also think about this in the context of going out to eat at a restaurant. If a bread basket or a plate of sweet potato fries are placed in front of me, I don’t have an off-switch and will typically eat my fair share until the food is gone. The thought of a couple of fries or a small piece of bread sounds horrible to me. I’d much rather have none or have a ton. All or nothing!
I remember once reading a tip from Bethenny Frankel in a magazine about the law of diminishing returns when it comes to eating dessert. She talked about how the first bite is always the most satisfying and how after that bite, every bite thereafter is less and less enjoyable, so she sticks to a couple of bites of dessert and then puts her fork down. She is clearly a moderator!
When I read Bethenny’s tip, I remember thinking, “What!? I love ALL bites of cake. Who can eat just a couple of bites!?” Clearly I am not a moderator. If I’m going to eat dessert, I’m going to eat ALL of that dessert.
Gretchen notes how understanding whether you’re an abstainer or a moderator can increase your personal happiness because you can make decisions that best suit your personality and characteristics.
She specifically applies this to her desire to live a healthier life. As an abstainer, Gretchen doesn’t buy cookies and keep them in her house because she knows she can’t eat just one cookie. The thought of eating one cookie stresses her out more than not having cookies in her house at all since she’s more of a five cookie kind of person. For a moderator, grabbing one cookie on occasion sounds much more appealing than never having access to cookies at all in the first place.
I identify with Gretchen on this one whole-heartedly. I love sweets and don’t eliminate them from my diet at all, but I do try to keep them out of our house. If I really want something sweet, I’ll bake a batch of cookies knowing full well I’ll eat a ton of dough and more than just a cookie or two when they come out of the oven. By not keeping sweets in the house, I eliminate the stress of avoiding sweets on a daily basis from my life. If I really want something, I have it, but I try not to have immediate access to sugary treats at all times because I will always go to town on the sweet treats.
Question of the Day
- Are you an abstainer or a moderator?
- Do you think understanding whether you are an abstainer or a moderator could help you live a healthier and happier life?
I am absolutely an abstainer. If I want something, I want ALL of something! This is interesting to me because I definitely believe in the whole “moderation” approach to healthy living, but to me that looks more like eating a TON of ice cream every once in a while rather than a small bowl of it daily.
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This is really interesting! I find myself falling into both categories in different situations, but I’d say I’m more of an abstainer. I’m really similar- any sweets or ice cream that’s in the house is gone in 2 days! I need to read The Happiness Project!
Great post Julie! I am definitely an abstainer. Like you I would rather eat half the carton of ice cream or five cookies rather than just a bite. That bite just doesn’t do it for me. Haha. Now I need to buy Gretchen Rubin’s books and listen to her podcasts. 🙂
I’m definitely a moderator, but my fiance is an abstainer, which makes SO much sense when we disagree on having junk food in the house or binge-watching Netflix! I just sent this post to him to read!
So funny, I have both Gretchen Rubin’s and your blogs on my Feedly in a “Happiness” category and read her post today right before yours 🙂 Still need to read The Happiness Project after I finish Devil in the White City (which is good but taking forevverrr).
I also really enjoyed Gretchen’s books, and thanks for bringing this concept back to the forefront of my mind! In reading through your post, I just realized that I think I’m a moderator who tries to approach treats (like desserts) as though I’m an abstainer. For instance, I often tell myself I shouldn’t have any of something, but when this rule inevitably stresses me out, I end up overindulging. Perhaps as a moderator I should just allow myself little treats here and there. Thanks for the great post!
Great Post! I am an abstainer. When I allow myself a treat, it is pretty much all out and I can’t keep sweets in the house. While people may not understand or judge us from a diet standpoint, I think this trait works to our advantage when it comes to exercise. I have no problem sticking to a workout routine and make it a priority.
P.S. Love getting your snaps on Snapchat. Chase is just the cutest, smiley baby!
Aw, thank you!!! I have been LOVING Snapchat lately!
Thank you for sharing this! I’m for sure an abstainer in most aspects of my life. I just shared this with my best friend, who I knew was a moderator after reading this. She agreed that this describe us to a T!
I just finished reading that book – and like her other books – really enjoyed it. I too am an abstainer. its interesting the insight she provides – its not a character flaw ( i always thought “its just me that can’t stop at one cookie”).
Well… at first glance I thought I was a moderator, but as I kept reading I realized I am DEFINITELY an abstainer! I don’t know that I have ever gotten just one serving of chips in my life, and I have been known to finish an entire novel in less than 24 hours. There are some things that are easier for me to resist of course, but I think it’s easier not to have certain things available rather than limit myself to just a little bit.
My boyfriend is most assuredly a moderator though. That boy can let Oreos go stale. I didn’t even realize that was an option for Oreos.
Loved this! I have been so into Gretchen Rubin lately. I recently read (actually listened, while driving) Better than Before and have been listening to her podcast all the time! I LOVED learning about the abstainer vs. moderator distinction because it was like all of a sudden things made more sense to me. I had a roommate in college who would have just 1-2 bites of something and be like “THAT’S AMAZING!! Okay I’m done now.” And I’d be sitting there like, “What?? That’s all you want? How could you possibly not want any more??” So understanding that I’m an abstainer has made me feel less like there’s something wrong with me. It also makes me understand why doing something like the Whole30 was relatively easy for me– it was just easier to acknowledge that certain foods were completely off limits than to exert energy over deciding when or how much I could have of certain foods.
I think that it definitely depends on what it is if I am an abstainer or a moderator. I love that you talked about this though because it really made me think and evaluate myself in a way that I honestly hadn’t before.
I’m definitely a moderator! The idea of cutting something out completely sounds terrifying to me. I’m much happier if I allow myself a diet coke when we go out or a couple bites of ice cream. Normally that’s all i need to satisfy the craving but I find that if I say im cutting out something completely, it makes me crave that thing even more. I know its completely psychological and sounds like I have issues with being told no haha but I always want what I can’t have! Bethenny’s tip is definitely right up my ally!
Thank you. I was so tired of books and magazines telling me I had to learn to do everything in moderation and frankly, it just doesn’t work for me. Especially if you think about the things that we shouldn’t eat (processed sugary or salty snacks) are designed to make you go back for more and more, maybe I shouldn’t feel bad that I fall for it. Also I wonder if the breakdown would be different if you polled people in other countries. I feel like such an American when I think about how all or nothing I can be sometimes. Anyways I agree with another commenter who said “thanks for making me feel normal.”
I don’t think one is inherently an abstainer or moderator, especially when it comes to food. I think your behavior drives the cycle of whatever you think you are. For instance, Julie, have you thought that perhaps the reason you go to town on ice cream whenever it’s in the house is BECAUSE you know you will not allow it in your house other times? Your actions reinforce your all-or-nothing mentality. If you allowed yourself to have ice cream every day (and yes you will probably go overboard the first few times), then the appeal of it will lessen and you will be satisfied with just one bowl of it each day.
I am 100% an abstainer, especially when it comes to ice cream! But, I’ve taught myself to be a bit more of a moderator and enjoy a square of dark chocolate every night. Then once per week I have a super indulgent dessert. I swear I enjoy it more now!
As I plow through a (small) bag of cheese balls, I realize that I am definitely an abstainer. I can’t “just have one” or turn myself off without finishing the whole thing so I have to completely cut myself off of it (cheese balls). I wish I could be more moderator when it comes to indulging, but it’s just not me. Love Gretchen Rubin. I’m also an Obliger, if you ever do a post on the Four Tendencies. 🙂
I’m a moderator. I always keep sweets in the house just in case that craving hits, which is more often than I like to admit haha. But I’m able to have a little bit and then stop… most of the time 🙂
This is fascinating – thank you for a great post! While there are certainly differences in personalities, I would wonder if maybe the all or nothing feeling with food is more related to diet history, though, and whether things are off-limits (whether fully off limits where you can never have them, or off limits in the sense that you only allow yourself to have them occasionally and in those instances it’s a “diet starts tomorrow” type all out affair or a “well I’ve already had some of this/failed so I might as well eat it all now”).
As a dietitian, I’ve worked with a lot of clients who start out as abstainers like you describe here and have a lot of trouble with binging, but over time as we work on an intuitive and mindful eating approach where things are truly not off limits at all, they are able to become moderators, because the food loses its power once they are allowed to have it anytime they want. That’s really interesting about having the same approach with 1 chapter of a book you love, though, too… Anyway – just wanted to share some food for thought (pun intended)! Thanks for sharing this – I love Gretchen Rubin’s books, too! 🙂
This is really interesting. I see myself am an Abstainer and know without a doubt that it’s because of all the dieting I’ve done in the past but i’d never thought it’d be possible to become a moderator which seems to be a more sensible approach. I’ve always viewed being an Abstainer as a “bad” thing but Julie’s post put things a bit more into perspective!
I know you have paying clients so can’t go into too many details but do you think it’s possible to truly recover from binge eating?
Great post! I’m a moderator, which makes perfect sense to me as my husband is an abstainer. I have no problem having candy & chips in the house, but he can’t handle the temptation. I measure portions (especially chips, crackers) when he can devour an entire box. He’ll either be gung ho working out, or not at all. So interesting!
I’m a moderator who goes overboard every once in a while 🙂
I’m listening to Better Than Before right now :). I am an Abstainer all the way. I don’t stop after just one cookie/ice cream/brownie/etc. To satisfy the sweets monster, I tend to make a sweet treat on the weekend and enjoy it over the weekend, and have been buying pints of non-dairy ice creams (like Arctic Zero and Enlightened). My boyfriend (also an Abstainer) and I will split one while we watch the Walking Dead or something.
I’m an abstainer 100%. I can’t just have one bite or just a sample. Sweets especially…I get really carried away.
Julie – we are soul sisters! I 100% agree with everything you believe above. Cheers to abstainers!
Interesting post! Right away I knew I am an abstainer without a doubt
I would have to say that I am a moderator. I’m the person who can watch half of an episode on Netflix, eat one cookie, a 1/2 cup of ice cream, or drink half of a beer. My husband is more of an abstainer. If I make cookies he eats them till they’re gone. It makes for an interesting dynamic as I like to save things. For example, I might wait to eat that cookie till after dinner. However, my husband just eats it without thinking. So I have learned that if I want said cookie, I have to let him know 😉
Ha, this is great! I started out the post thinking I was a moderator (because the thought of not being able to eat/do something makes me panicky) but the more I read the more I realized that I’m more of an abstainer. I think I just want to be a moderator. Thanks for sharing!
I am totally a moderator! My mom just doesn’t understand how I can keep ice cream in my freezer at all times…she’s a total abstainer 🙂
If you enjoy this sort of books/podcasts, have you read or listened to Brene Brown? I just finished the audiobook of The Power of Vulnerability and it was amazing! Something that everyone can learn from.
I wonder if you can be both? I feel like I am an abstainer in some aspects of my life and a moderator in others. Or, maybe that thinking right there confirms I am a moderator. Haha.
Hi! I don’t usually comment, I’m somewhat of a lurker on your site, but this post begged for me to comment! I appreciate your comments about Gretchen Rubin’s theory of abstainers vs. moderators and actually remember listening to that episode of their podcast! remember sitting in my car, in traffic during the morning commute, annoyed with Elizabeth’s idea that people shouldn’t bring baked goods to their office because some people can’t handle having them around. In a panic, I immediately called my boyfriend to ask if I should stop sending baked goods into his office with him, worried that people at his office were angry with him.
Your post took me back to that moment, but I think your take on things is much more realistic than Elizabeth’s!
Have you tried Halo top ice cream? It’s the only ice cream I keep in my freezer. Depending on the flavor its usually around 60-70 calories and 6 grams protein per serving .
I’m an abstainer. I think it’s important to know which you are in order to work on achieving balance in life. I fall into the go all in mindset when it comes to health. I tend to push myself in the gym and eat strictly healthy. It’s hard for me to be moderate in both, definitely something I need to work on!
I am definitely an abstainer. I don’t think I could have done a Whole 30 without being one, but I know that when I fall off the wagon, it’s with full force. This is definitely an interesting idea though – I’ll have to read up about it a bit more.
I am definitely a moderator. I need to check my cupboard before buying Girl Scout cookies to make sure I don’t have any left over from last year.
One area where I have issues is restaurants. My parents were members of the “Clean Plate Club” and signed up my sister and I for lifetime memberships. I take plastic food containers (i.e. Tupperware) to restaurants. If I get a huge meal, I’ll put half of it in the Tupperware before I start eating.
It is so funny that you mention this as I was thinking about t the other day! I feel like I’m in between but as I kept reading I realized I’m more of a moderator while my husband is quite obviously the other which is why sometimes we get on each other’s nerves but once you identify it it makes it easier to understand one another. I have been all about podcasts as of late so will defiantly be checking it Gretchens as I loved her book which was given to me before I moved to Thailand by a dear friend! Thanks for sharing xo C
I am a Moderator. I can use a ramekin bowl for ice cream and be totally happy with that. Other things though I can see where I am a bit of an Abstainers. For example, if I am organizing I cannot just stop halfway through and be done. I would be so anxious! I think it’s important to know ourselves and know what areas we can and cannot handle.
I love that you brought this up today on the blog! I have been a big fan of Gretchen Rubin since day one as well! 🙂 I am definitely and abstainer! Pints of ice cream don’t stand a chance in our apartment! What does “just one bite” even mean?!
I love Gretchen’s work too and I’m an abstainer all the way. I definitely feel more deprived when I have to stop at one serving of food vs. not even having the food at all.
LOVE this! I’m totally an abstainer. I need all the cookies/cake/ice cream/chocolate or nothing at all. I try to keep all the sweets away and out of the house.
AHHH i love this topic! (and anything Gretchen Rubin!) I actually just wrote a post about this a few weeks ago and how it relates to finances. I think it’s also important to figure out if you’re an abstainer or moderator in a financial sense, because then you know how to build your budget! Love this topic 🙂 (and I think I’m an abstainer with most stuff – moderation is too hard for me also!!)
Oh my goodness this is totally me! As much as I wish I was a moderator, I’m a total abstainer! It’s definitely all-or-nothing for me; when it comes to desserts, I have ZERO control. I’ll definitely need to look into Gretchen’s work. I’ve been trying to get into listening to podcasts on my long runs, so this could be a great place to start! 🙂
This is a concept I heard about only recently that I wish I had heard many years ago. I am 100% an abstainer, to the point that my friends and family would identify me as such. I spent so many years hearing that moderation was the way to go, that abstaining would lead to binging. I would try over and over to moderate, which for me, an abstainer, would lead to binging! ? I can easily pass up treats offered by coworkers or friends, but give me a bite, and I’m taking the whole stinking thing!
I love her books too, and have read them all! I’ve fallen off the wagon of listening to her podcasts, but I gotta get back to those, they’re good.
I’m definitely a moderator. I think that I’ve evolved into that though. I’m so much happier as a moderator than when I lived life more as an abstainer. I totally forget about treats, chips, and other things we might have around the house. My husband is also a moderator, so we make a good team. 🙂
This was so helpful for me to understand my frustrations with my husband and the differences between us!! I am definitely an abstainer and he is a moderator. I get so frustrated that we have to have junk food in the house because I know if it wasn’t here I wouldn’t eat it. I try to hide it in a separate cabinet and forget that it’s there but it’s hard. I have said over and over that I can’t understand why he needs to have it at home but this helps me understand why! Thanks!
I’m definitely an abstainer! No sugar/ no grains/ all paleo no problem… Until I take one bite… Then game over. ( p.s I loved The Immortal Life of HELA, so crazy and so so scary to think of our society’s past transgressions and medical ethicacy and even scarier is the fact that it’s continuing! )
This makes SO MUCH SENSE in the way my husband and I deal with sweets! I’m absolutely an abstainer, and he is a moderator. He gets very judgemental when I eat half a carton of ice cream and doesn’t understand when I say I can’t have it in the house. I need to get him to read this!!
I’m curious to know what your tendency is?
This was SOOO fascinating!! First off, I’m 100% on team never-make-the-bed, so high-fives to you!
However, I’m definitely on team moderator. And one of my bffs is on team abstainer. It’s interesting to hear us talk about food and diet, because we approach it differently. There are times when I dress up as an abstainer (i.e. like years ago when I started a diet and went 5 weeks on it, following it to the letter.) But it’s not my natural state, I always, always, gravitate towards moderating, and in the end I feel it’s more successful for me. I wish I could be happy abstaining, but I find it to be so miserable! 🙁 Like, “I want to cry” miserable. It’s fascinating and refreshing to see the two sides to this whole way of being in the world. I’m sending this to my bff now! Thanks!
This was an unbelievable read. Possibly life changing??? I am with you on being 100% an abstainer. For all of your reasons. And I thought there was something wrong with me when I’d go on Pinterest for “fifteen minutes” before bed time, then suddenly 2 and a half hours would go by and I’d be doomed to get only four hours of sleep, scrolling and scrolling, unable to stop! Now I know it’s because my personality type just can’t handle it. Of course I think this is super helpful knowledge in leading a healthier life!
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I JUST finished Better than Before and am definitely an abstainer. I had to quit potato chips for a year for me to wean off my addiction to them because if I opened a bag of chips, I would finish it – no matter how big. (RIP family-size value bag of sour cream & onion chips…) Now I am a lot better but I portion control so that I finish what’s in front of me still, but it’s not a lot. I will make it a big hassle for me to refill my bowl of chips rather than eating it out of the bag, because I am so bad at eating “just one chip”. (What does that even MEAN)
I don’t think “moderation” is in my vocabulary–I’m an abstainer for sure! With food, relaxing in the house, going crazy with chores…it’s all or nothing for me!
Great post! I am definitely a moderater…the thought of not having something I want makes me think non-stop about it. I always have chocolate and a little ice cream in the house because if I say I can’t have it, I obsess over it! So, having it in the house means I can have it if I want it. But I have discovered I only eat it maybe once a week…but if it wasn’t there I would go crazy thinking about it!