It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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I am so sorry!!! My heart dropped when I saw the title of this post. I can only imagine the heartbreak and frustration you’re going through. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 2 years and when I get down I tell myself I WILL be a mom. And you WILL have another baby, you just don’t know how God is going to get you there yet. Prayers and hugs!
I am so sorry for the journey you’re on as well. Miscarriage, loss, infertility and the pain centered around trying to conceive a baby when it isn’t as easy as we’re all lead to believe from the time we’re teenagers… it’s all so heartbreaking. I love your positive outlook. I tell myself the same thing and try to keep my thoughts positive when they start to become negative and fearful. I will have more children I just have no idea what the road to get there will look like right now. That’s okay but it can be really hard and painful at times, too.
Ad soon as I saw this title my heart broke for you. I experienced a very similar miscarriage and there are no words. I’m praying for your family. I’m so sorry
I hate that you know this pain, Jen. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. <3
I am so very deeply sorry for your losses. Lots of love hugs and prayers to you and your family.
Thank you, Teresa <3
Julie, your blog is one of the first pages I go to in the morning and I couldn’t believe when I saw the title of this post. My heart hurts so badly for you. I wish there was something I could do or say. But just know I’m thinking of you ❤️
Julie, I am so, so sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking.
I’m thinking of you,
Misty
Julie,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Words cannot take away the pain, perhaps only time, although pain always lingers in some way. Your line, “Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you.” struck me, because I often feel the same when something tragic happens – shouldn’t everything just stop? Because you are no longer the same person.
I have been on a two year journey to get pregnant and it can be frustrating, exhausting and devastating. I have learned to take comfort in women around me who have similar experiences. I hope you find comfort in some answers from the doctors. Thank you for your honesty in your posts. Sending love!
Thank you for sharing a little bit of your journey with me. There’s absolutely no joy in the pain of trying to have a baby when it’s hard and complicated but talking with other women who struggle in some way makes you feel less alone somehow. I’m so sorry for the pain, frustration and anger I’m sure you experienced and continue to experience and really hope you will have the baby you want so badly soon. Sending you hugs.
Never commented before but gasped with sadness when I saw your post title. I’m so very sorry. We have one who is 18 months and I’ve been following you since she was little as I’ve always enjoyed your posts about Chase. Yesterday in regards to another situation, a dear friend encouraged me to find God in the waiting. We often find God after the waiting is over, but he is there in the waiting as well and we can find peace in that if we surrender to Him. I’ll be praying for you and your sweet family as you work through this new loss, and as you prepare to try again. Hugs from a total stranger who admires your strength and perseverance. XO
Thank you, Erica. I love this comment and appreciate your encouragement and kind words.
I opened up your blog and read the title while my heart sunk. I am so so sorry. I have not experienced miscarriage but have been trying for my first for 3 years. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and sorrow you and Ryan are feeling. One day at a time, Julie. Thinking of you <3
Julie, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss!! I know that feeling all too well myself. My heart filled with tears the second I read the title, I couldn’t believe it.:(((((( I am so glad you got Chase, that healthy, incredible boy! I had a miscarriage first, then got my son (THANK GOD!!!!) years later, who is a bit younger than yours. I count my blessings every single day, as I know you do too. There are really no words that could comfort, but I hope you will feel better soon! <3
Absolutely. He is, without a doubt, the most incredible source of joy and the biggest blessing in my life. I’ve always felt so lucky to be his mom and that feeling seems to intensify by the second these days. I’m so sorry for the loss you experienced as well, Sara.
I am so sorry, Julie. My heart sank to see this title, and your family is in my prayers. Hold that adorable little boy of yours extra close ❤️❤️❤️ and try to focus on that blessing. You are one strong mama. xo
I am so sorry Julie. Take some time for you. I wish you the best.
I am so saddened to hear of your loss at this time. Chase is so blessed to have two loving and wonderful people to call his mom and dad. The Lord most certainly has a plan and a will for you all, at the moment it is painful and real however it is by His design that He wants to have you draw closer to Him (albeit I know you’d prefer another outcome). You have a strong community to reach out to and I will most certainly add you to my prayer list for peace and comfort and continued hope in a difficult time.
Thank you, Teri. I attended a church service a couple of months ago that talked about how God doesn’t cause pain to get close to you but he can always use pain for good. I’ve seen this firsthand many times, especially after our first loss when so many readers and women in my personal life came to me and selflessly shared their pain with me to let me know I’m not alone. I know that as hard as this is, I don’t want it to be something that hardens me, breaks me and causes me to lose hope.
My heart is breaking for you, Ryan, and Chase. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and for your continued grief. Once again, thank you so much for being so willing to share your experiences with us. Your openness is such a gift to so many <3. Sending you lots and lots of love and and wrapping you all in a huge virtual hug! xoxo
I’m so sorry Julie. Thinking of you and your family.
Hugs and love <3
Oh Julie, I am so, so sorry for you and Ryan. I’m feeding my babe in the middle of the night right now, and I just hugged him a little tighter reading this. A reminder that nothing should be taken for granted!
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes God just tests us and we don’t know why. I’m a firm believer that He never gives us anything we can’t handle. Praying for you and your family ❤️
I also had 2 miscarriages while trying for baby #2. My first pregnancy was so easy that I was shocked and devastated. I felt like my body had let me down and the grief was overwhelming. But right now I”m am sitting here looking at my perfect 7 month old and I know that one day soon you will do the same. Try to stay strong, and remember the rainbow that comes after the storm… because it’s the most beautiful rainbow you will ever see!
I am so, so sorry for your losses. It’s awful and so painful. I also really appreciate you telling me about your precious little one and giving me continued hope. Congratulations on your sweet rainbow baby. <3
So sorry Julie. This post has be crying at my desk at work. I wish the best for you and your family during this time.
I am so very sorry Julie and Ryan. Huge hugs to you both.
Oh Julie! I’m so sorry. When I saw the title of this post my heart just dropped. Even though I only know you through reading this blog, you are in my prayers and will continue to be!
Julie my heart just broke for you and Ryan while reading this post. I am so sorry this happened again. I’m sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts to you and your family from New Jersey <3
I’m so sorry y’all are going through this again. I know how hard it can be, as we experienced our second miscarriage in March. It’s never easy, and I’ll be praying for y’all<3
I’m so sorry you’ve been there and know this pain, Amy. You have my love and prayers as well.
Oh, Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love & prayers your way. Thank you for continuing to share your story with us, you have helped so many women feel less alone. <3
Thinking of things that might be helpful distractions–do you listen to any podcasts? There’s a show from Australia called “Conversations” that features really fascinating interviews. Most of them are ordinary people with a unique story to tell, but the subject matter is such a wide variety (recent guests were a criminal psychologist and a Saudi woman arrested for driving) and I love getting lost in someone else’s story for a time. The Australian accents might help, but I find myself drawn in so easily! They’re all about 45-60 minutes long, so if you find you need some background noise while working, or on walks, they might be worth checking out.
Literally crying at my desk and I never met you! I’ve been a reader for years and years and I am so sorry you are going thru this. I truly believe you will get your little rainbow baby!! Sending a hug
I am so sorry. I know your pain all too well. We had a miscarriage, stillbirth, and then another miscarriage. After those we ended up with two healthy boys. I love my sons, but I’m still heartbroken daily over the girls I lost. It does become easier to function, but the pain never leaves. I applaud you for being brace enough to share and pray that you find another healthy child in your future.
Adrianne, your comment and the journey you’ve been on has me in tears again. I’ve thought about situations like this a lot… Beautiful families that look like they had an easy experience getting to where they are on the outside but then their journeys have been painful and filled with loss like yours has as well but you would never know it if you saw them playing at a local park. I’m so glad you have two healthy children but I am so, so sorry for your losses.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I lost three babies and each one was harder than the last. My husband and I finally decided to adopt rather than do any fertility testing. Emotionally it was easier for us. I wish your family peace at this time and how that you will have all the babies you desire.
I had an unsettling feeling that today’s title was going to make my heart drop, and it sure did. As someone who is not yet in this stage of life, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain. However I completely know what you mean when you say grief can coincide with joy (no matter how much it may… well, suck). Cry when you need to cry, and smile when you need to smile. Let Chase, Ryan and Sadie be your rays of sunshine. Sending love and prayers to you and your family. <3
I’m so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You are not alone in the pain of miscarriage. I have two beautiful kiddos at home, but had a missed miscarriage in between them. Additionally, we got pregnant with a surprise third baby this May which also ended in a D&C due to missed miscarriage early this month. It’s hard to go from with being pregnant and dreaming of baby names and the tiny little soul you’re creating to being anxious for your hcg to go down so you can stop being “pregnant”. Hugs.
Exactly. You said it so well. I am so sorry you’ve been there and for your losses. Thank you for sharing this with me. Sending you love.
I’m trying to write this through tears, my heart is with you guys. I have to thank you so, so much or sharing this story. I think many women of child-bearing age have this fear and it makes it so much worse being a taboo topic, and I thank you a million times over for breaking down that barrier. Again, sending hugs and positivity your way, and snuggles for Chase!
I’m so sorry to hear this, Julie. I went through this before I got pregnant with my first. My Dr was confident that this was just bad luck and she ended up being right(even though I was SURE there had to be something very wrong). I know it’s hard, but please don’t lose hope. You’re perfect little baby is still waiting for you. Best of “luck” to you and your sweet family xoxo
I am so very sorry this happened again. ❤️
I’m so very sorry to hear this Julie. My thoughts are with you and your family xx
I’m so very sorry you had this happen again. Please don’t lose hope. We are all praying for you.
I am so heartbroken to read this. Please know how many prayers are being said for your family. Thank you for sharing your story and helping so many other women.
Sending so much love.
Julie, I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I have an ultrasound today (I’m 10.5 weeks) and am now officially terrified. Wishing you and your family love, strength, and courage to continue.
Thinking about you and your family during this time. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sure it is not easy. Sending good vibes to all of you.
I am so very sad that you are in an all too familiar place, Julie. I shed some tears for you this morning. I had a miscarriage trying for our second baby in March and thought of your post. I know that things will get better for your family and I’m glad that the docs are looking into it even if it were to be chromosomal. I would want answers as well. Please take care and give yourself as much time as you need.
I am so sorry for your loss in March, Nikki. It’s so painful. And I am also really glad we decided to have testing done this time. Last time we didn’t but this time I have a lot more fear and anxiety around this happening again and my ability to have another healthy pregnancy.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I could reach through the computer and give you the biggest hug.
Julie I’m so sorry for your loss and for what you and your family are going through. I haven’t personally experienced a miscarriage or a pregnancy, but my parents suffered five between having my brother and I know how much pain and heartbreak they went through while trying to make their family.
I know a girl, Danielle Horvatin, who recently authored a book that’s now on Amazon called “Miscarriages Suck.” I don’t know it’s the right tone or something you’d be interested in but I wanted to let you know it’s out there. I know she always works with a group called “Pregnancy After Loss Support” (I know they’re on instagram and I think have a site), that might be worth looking at if you would be interested in connecting with others who have experienced the same thing.
All the best to you guys as you navigate this together.
Oh believe me, that tone is perfect. Miscarriages DO suck and that’s exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing this with me… I’ll definitely look for that Instagram handle.
Sending all the hugs and prayers to you and your family…
I can’t even pretend like I know what you and Ryan are going through, Julie. I’m so sorry and praying for y’all. But just know God has something huge in store for you and this is Him saying, “Not now.” But know that His love shines through your post. Your voice and your outlet is used for good and you’re able to share such an intimate, raw thing. Your sharing this experience is so brave. Much love to you and yours.
Sending you all the love, Julie.
I am so truly sorry for your loss. Please do not lose hope. We may not understand God’s plan now, but someday you will. Thank you for sharing your story with all of your readers. I am praying for you and know that you will get through this with the strength and love from your family.
Sending you all the love that I can today. We experienced 3 m/c before our beautiful rainbow babies. I do want to thank you for being so brave and sharing your experience. While I’m sure it is cathartic for you, it also helps others to know that we are not in this alone in this horrible “club” and that we are all here for you! Cuddle that boy up and I know love and happiness is the only thing in store for you and your family! xoxo
Melissa, I’m so sorry you’ve been there three times. It’s horrible. I also appreciate you taking the time to share this with me and for your comment. I totally agree — it’s a horrible club and even though there’s no joy in knowing there are other “members” there is somehow comfort in knowing we are not alone.
Julie and Ryan, I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone and you will have as many heathly babies as you want to have one day. You have had a healthy delivery and baby once before, which is so promising!! I know how utterly devastated you feel, I’ve been there. My situation is eerily similar to yours. I had a very easy pregnancy and delivery with my first son, then two back to back miscarriages at 12 and 10 weeks, respectively, within a 3-4 months of each other. I had testing done after my second because I was desperate for answers and unfortunately we found none. It was all deemed as just “really bad luck” which was a tough pill to swallow. Fast forward 3 years later, I’ve since had my second and third children and I am so thankful for them all every single day!
My advice to you, take the time to heal. Take whatever tests you can but don’t be alarmed if there aren’t any answers. The anxiety of being pregnant after a loss never goes away, but you learn to live with it. You will get pregnant again and you will have a healthy pregnancy, you’ve done it before! One last thing, ask your doctor about progresterone. I am not 100% sure that it’s what helped me to stay pregnant after my losses, but when I took it, I didn’t miscarry, so it could have helped. If anything it helped me to feel more assured. Sorry if I am overstepping, it’s just that I am feeling your pain with you, and I am so, so sorry. <3
Please email me if you have any questions or if you just want to talk!
I cannot believe how similar our stories are, Leslie. I hope and pray we have a happy ending like yours but I’m also so sorry for the losses you experienced. Thank you for such a hope-filled comment. I really appreciate it so much. One of my girlfriends who also experienced a loss before her two healthy babies also mentioned progesterone to me yesterday. I’ll definitely inquire about it to my doctor once our test results are in. Thank you for sharing.
I also wanted to mention that I read this book after my second miscarriage. It was written by a man who’s wife went through multiple miscarriages. It was extremely helpful and comforting for me.
https://www.amazon.com/Coming-Term-Uncovering-Truth-Miscarriage/dp/0813540534
Hugs.
Goodness Julie I am so sorry for your loss. I read this whole post with tears in my eyes just wishing I could give you the biggest hug. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way as you and your precious family go through this time. Big hugs!
So sorry for your loss, Julie.
I know little we can say is comforting, but just know we are thinking of you. So many women have been in your shoes and didn’t give up hope, so I truly wish you comfort and some answers from the tests if there is something else going on. Hugs.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this again. My heart aches for you and Ryan. I will keep you in my prayers. Do not lose hope and let that beautiful little boy of yours bring some sunshine into your spirit.
I don’t know why this comment made me cry (clearly I am incredibly emotional right now) — but I have always thought of Chase as my little sunshine and this comment just brings all of those feelings to the surface again. I am so grateful for him every day and especially in moments like this. Thank you, Natalia.
My heart is breaking for you and Ryan. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Focus on Chase and know life has more beautiful blessings in store for you. Xx