It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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Oh Julie I’m so sorry! The only way I think I could help you and your family is praying for you so can find strength and peace in God through this difficult times. I send you, Ryan and Chase the biggest hug ever!
Julie:
I am so sorry … thinking of you and your family and praying for you..
My heart goes out to you. I am sooo sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine how that must feel. Praying for you and your family.
Julie-I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this, yet again. My heart aches for you and your family and I pray that one day you will have your rainbow after this terrible storm. This part of your blog post really hit home for me: “Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.”
I have my own rainbow baby at home. Miscarriage is not something I’d wish upon anyone, but it has given me a profound sense of awareness with our daughter and how blessed we are to have her. Perhaps this kind of perspective is the silver lining to hold onto during this difficult time.
I am so sorry. Thinking of you.
I am very to hear about your second loss. I also had two miscarriages but before I had a successful pregnancy. The doctor said one thing to me that stuck…’you are healthy and do not have a problem getting pregnant ‘. The third pregnancy I saw him early in the pregnancy and took progesterone to help keep the pregnancy.
Remember you are healthy and stable, as heart breaking that miscarriages are there will be a right time for you. It’s so hard because we are silent about being pregnant in the early stages that it’s hard to share. You sharing with us is a huge step, and will help not only you but the rest of us that have this unfortunate event happen. Love and peace for your heavy heart.
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. Miscarriage is so often pushed under the rug and when you are going through it you think you are the only one.
My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage after trying a few more months we were told by a specialist it would be very difficult for us to have our own children (I had cancer as a young child and this was related to that). Three years later we have two healthy boys conceived au natural against most odds. I found the waiting and unknown to be the worst part.
In the end I know the whole process has made me a better mother and my husband and I a better family unit. We appreciate things more than we ever would have if it was smooth sailing.
Praying that your family grows in the near future.
xo
Julie, you are not alone. I wish I could hug you. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I couldn’t hold back my tears when reading your posting. When you say “Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives”. I totally relate. Even though I haven’t lost a baby, I became very close to losing our son while pregnant and I will never forget how much of an incredible, magical blessing he is! Bringing a life into this world is not easy and it sure does bring intense anxiety. You are a strong woman and your Chase is so lucky to have you as his Mother. I pray you find peace and your happiness is restored. You are admired.
Julie, I have been following you for years and the only other time I have commented was after your first miscarriage. I too know this pain and wish having experienced it myself that I had better words of comfort or wisdom to share after such a difficult loss. But I don’t. So all I can say is I hope Chase brings you and Ryan some solace. And give yourself as much time and leeway as you need to mourn this loss.
And again, thank you for sharing. I think removing the secrecy surrounding miscarriage will help so many women (and families) in so many ways.
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this pain again. Your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you find some answers and that when the time comes, God blesses you with many healthy babies to fill your loving home.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss, hope you can find some peace at mind soon. My kindest wishes to you and your family!
Oh, Julie. I commented after your first loss and it breaks my heart to be commenting again in this situation. I am the mom of a double-rainbow baby and although the trials we faced in getting her felt unbearable, they have blessed us with an intense awareness of how lucky we are to have her each and every day. Thank you for this well-written, vulnerable, and touching post. It will be a comfort to so many people. I pray that the happy post about your growing family will come very very soon. Hugs, love, and good wishes to you and your family.
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. My prayers are with you, Ryan and sweet baby Chase.
Like everybody else, I am so saddened and sickened to read this. I’m so sorry, you guys. Praying for you in your loss.
Cliche, but worth saying, I’m so sorry for your loss. Now that that’s out of the way, thank you for sharing this incredibly raw and personal side of your life. I just know that women out there are reading it and finding comfort. And I know, and thank God, that you are (most likely) finding comfort in the responses you are getting. Your family is in my prayers and I pray for God to continue to bless you in unimaginable ways through this time. <3
Julie you are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for the loss to your family. I do believe things happen for a reason. You are blessed with wonderful family and friends who will help you get through this sad time. Prayers to all of you.
I’m so saddened to hear this news. I hope you are having lots of Chase cuddles and taking time to process. Thinking of you here in New Zealand.
Prayers to you and your family Julie! I know what you’re going through as I had 2 early miscarriages between my 2 sons. The anxiety, pain, fear, worry is hard to get through. You are in my prayers! God has His plan for you?
Oh Julie – thank you for sharing your story. I do believe that what we go through makes us stronger. I’ve never had a miscarriage, but I went through something super shitty back in March called a molar pregnancy {had never heard of it before I was in the situation & happens to 1 in 1000 women}. It was one of the scariest moments of my life & like you, it made me appreciate my child that I do have ALL that much more. I don’t know why these things happen to us {and we’ll probably never know}, but I am sending big virtual hugs your way. <3
I remember after my first miscarriage of twins I woke up from the D&C to see my husband sitting next to me in the recovery room. They had let him wait for me to wAke up (something they normally don’t do) because I had been crying even before the anesthesia wore off. That empty feeling of just waking up not pregnancy when you went to sleep with a sweet baby in your womb is so profoundly sad. After my second miscarriage I remembered that God got me thoufhcthrfirst and He would do it again, but that didn’t take away the hurt in the moment. I’ve had 3 healthy babies since then so there is hope in the struggle. I always take progesterone through week 10 because of my history…just something to explore for next time!
Julie, my heart sank as soon as I saw the title of your blog post. I am so very deeply sorry for you and for your family. I have been a blog reader since 2010ish, and I have only commented a handful of times, but I wanted to extend a hug through the computer. I am so glad you had your mama there this past weekend, and I am even more glad that you have an amazing support system through your family, your childhood friends, your NC friends, and your cyber friends. I pray for you guys, and I will continue to do so.
<3 Jillian
Hi Julie,
I know everyone is coming together for you and saying they’ve been there and you’ll be ok and I just wanted to add one more voice to that. I went through 3 miscarriages before my first son was born, another miscarriage and then I had my second son. I went through all the chromosomal testing and my husband did too. They never could figure out why I miscarried. There were shots, pills, even suppositories lol. All that being said, both my kiddos were healthy normal pregnancies and both boys are amazing. If you ever want to chat, just know I’m here for you and would willing lend an ear. Sometimes you never know who God will put in your life 🙂
I don’t have the experience that feels necessary to comment on this post – I’m 21 and not yet in the family-starting phase of life. Still, I feel compelled to tell you that I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. I’ve been following your blog since early high school and always appreciate your authenticity and rawness, even though I’m sure it’s not always easy to share. Thinking of you and your family and sending you love.
Oh Julie, I have tears in my eyes after reading this.
I am so so sorry. You are an amazing and strong woman! Thank you for sharing this with us. Thinking of you and your family, and praying for you! Sending you many hugs!! Xoxo
So sorry for your loss. I know how incredibly difficult this time is. I have experienced two losses as well. I opted not to have the d&c and wish I would have because I walked around for weeks after learning my baby no longer had a heartbeat before my body naturally got it out. It was terrible walking around those days knowing what was inside of me. It felt so private but wildly freeing to open up about it and talk to others. I found out so many people have gone through similar experiences and felt so much less alone. Know that you are not alone and my thoughts are with you. I have gone on to have two healthy pregnancies and babies and truly wish you the same blessing. Sending you hugs.
I’m so sorry Julie, squeeze Chase a little tighter today xx
My heart just sank to the floor reading this. I know we don’t know each other, but clearly, I feel like I know you and was so hoping for good news sometime soon. I can’t imagine what you are going through but just know that we are all hear rooting for you and know you can get through this. You are such an incredibly mommy to Chase and are going to be even more incredible the second time around. Life is just so unfair sometimes. It won’t sound like much given what you are dealing with, but you have no idea how much you helped me through the end of my pregnancy last year. I would constantly revisit your posts on your pregnancy with Chase and it seriously just helped the time pass more than I can express. Since then, you’ve made me want to be a better mom every single day. I am always in amazement at all the activities you manage to fit into a weekend and it truly has made me take a more active role in planning fun things for our family (even though our son is only 6 months). Anyway, I just wanted you know that you and your little blog have been an important part of my motherhood journey. I wish I could give you a hug and give you some of that gift back!! Thinking of you <3 and definitely shedding a tear or five for your loss. xo
I have been following your blog for some years now and when you experienced your first miscarriage, I had experienced the same not too long before you. My heart ached still and as I prayed for my own sanity, I prayed for peace for you. I have followed and checked in to see if you would try again, this time with a much better outcome. I can say that as I type this, my heart breaks for you all over again. When I found out I was pregnant again, I didn’t utter a word to anyone but my husband until we were out of the first trimester. The nerves never went away, they are constant with every week between appointments, every day I’d wake up and wonder, are you still alive in there? I pray non-stop all day for the ability to carry this baby to full term and as I ease into the third trimester, I can say that the fear is still here. I want to tell you thank you for speaking about a topic that many won’t, for opening up your heart to your followers who have wrapped you and your family in ours. I know from experience there are NO words that can lessen the pain, and I just want you to know that even in this time of sadness, there will be rainbow at the end of your storm. Blessings to you Julie and your family!
Julie, my heart aches for you and Ryan as you go through this. Praying for you and hoping you can get some peace throughout this journey.
I join the countless fellow readers in saying my heart aches for you and hope you can find some peace. Thank you for sharing your stories so that those who need it know they are not alone. Miscarriage and loss are a subject that are not talked about enough given how impactful they are. Much love and healing thoughts to you. You are strong, brave, and an excellent momma and wife. <3
I was so sorry to read this Julie. I have been reading your blog for years and have enjoyed watching your family change and grow. I am in tears reading this post. I had an early miscarriage several months ago and am now 14 weeks along with my second pregnancy. I pray everyday that I will continue with a healthy pregnancy but worry everyday that that could change at any moment. My thoughts are with you and Ryan and I pray that you will find answers. You are both so strong and I know you will find support in each other during this difficult time. Sending love to you both!
Hi Julie..
A friend had sent me your blog to start reading, so much of what you have said resonates with me. This past Wednesday we experienced our 3rd loss in the past year and 1/2. I have had one miscarriage and 2 still births. On Wednesday I had gotten the news that has given me anxiety going to every doctors appt.. that our baby does not have a heartbeat. I was 23 weeks pregnant and I had just lost a baby in October at 24 weeks, I could t believe that this is happening again. No matter how many times you go through a loss it is not easy. But one thing I have found with experiencing these losses is you are not alone. Unfortunately these things happen to more families then we even know. Hearing and reading people’s stories that you are not the only one who has gone through this can be more comforting when you feel so empty and alone. I am thankful to have such a strong support system from friends, family, and co-workers. I know my time will come to be a mother to a full term pregnancy, and will appreciate that little baby more than I will ever know. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
i’m so terribly sorry for you guys once again. as a long time reader, i feel a sort-of connection to blog authors, almost like we are all friends! so to send hugs and prayers visually almost doesn’t seem like enough, but know we are all here to read and are with you in any way you need.
My husband and I send our prayers! So very sorry for your loss. Children are beautiful miracle every time. I had a long, hard road to having my little girl 5 months ago. It is such an emotional, all- encompassing, anxiety-filled journey.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts. Hopefully the testing will provide some answers. Wishing you peace and comfort in the days ahead. Xo
Julie,
I felt sick (literally) hearing this heart wrenching news. It’s so hard to know why God does the things he does and the plan he makes for us. Ive had my own battle with infertility that lasted 5 years, and I couldn’t see light while I was in the middle of it. Until I got pregnant, twice. 2 pregnancies and 3 kiddos later my wonderful life happened. I want you to know that you’re an amazingly strong woman, mother, and wife. Trust in the muddy process that is life and kiss Chase a few extra times throughout the day. You will be blessed with more kiddos one way or another, I just know. Please know you and Ryan are in my thoughts and prayers. Chin up doll.
Xoxo
Julie, reading this I was sobbing along with you. You are so strong. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I am so sorry Julie. I had my first miscarriage around the same time as you – and I am so sad to hear that this is happening again. I completely understand everything you are feeling because each month when I’m even a minute late I feel the same fears. So to have them realized…I just want to give you a hug. You’re not alone. Someone very close to me confided that he and his wife had three losses before they were able to have 2 successful and healthy pregnancies. The words he said to me gave me comfort and I hope they give you comfort as well:
You have one beautiful son and I’m sure – more to follow – but I know that doesn’t diminish the loss your feeling now. I wish you a speedy recovery and, ultimately, a family that is as large as you would like it to be.
The love of your life + the joy of your life + the dog to end all.dogs = family joy.
Life is not easy.
Love from us…
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. I can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through. Sending prayers and love your way. xx
Oh, I’m SO sorry to hear about your second loss. It just is SO unfair. You think, ok, one MC. They’re so, so common. But, a second? WTF!!! I’ve been there, and then had a third. At that point you just feel like, ok. This is unreal. I had three in a row: pregnant, MC, month later, pregnant, MC and so on. Took me five or so months to get pregnant again and the fourth time did it. After three, we did some testing but nothing came from it. Everything “normal.” It doesn’t matter. It’s so hard. I’m sorry, babe.
So very sorry for another lose, Julie. I feel for you – I have one beautiful daughter to be so grateful for, but five losses that I cannot forget about. I also had some placenta issues in the second trimester losses and my little girl was born very small (but healthy!). It’s hard, to this day, even though I’m a few years removed, I feel sadness trigger when I see newborn baby things in stores or when looking at my daughter’s newborn photos, yearning for a time and experience that will probably never happen again for me. I’ll be praying for you and your family. <3
I am so sorry to read this, Julie and I will be praying for you and Ryan! I know you have two angels in heaven watching over your family.
I never post on blogs, but thought I’d share as I had very similar experiences. I was very fortunate to have two wonderful, healthy children. I then experienced two miscarriages in a row, one at 12 weeks and the other at 16. Both times we had heard the heartbeats. All seemed to be going well until the next appointments when there were no heartbeats and I had to have D&C’s.
I did get pregnant again. My doctor asked when I would relax during that pregnancy and I said “not until the baby was born.” And, he was born, full term, healthy and happy. He will be 14 on August 12. I still think about those two losses especially when I hear stories like yours.
I was told the same thing – that I was not “high risk” until I had experienced 3 miscarriages. Luckily, I never had to go through a third. My heart goes out to all couples experiencing infertility as I already had two children and was still utterly devastated with both miscarriages. I cannot imagine those who go through it without already having children.
Stay positive and best of luck to you on this journey. <>
Big hugs to you Julie. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I feel for you all, but I hope I can help. Please look at the Wellness Mama blog. 40% of us can’t change folic acid to folate. The synthetic version of folate…folic acid is found in most breads, cereals and even prenatal vitamins. She recommends Seeking Health Optimal Prenatal which is available on Amazon. It’s expensive, but they use high quality ingredients. I was actually blood tested for the mutation MTHFR which came back positive. Many OBs don’t test or know about this issue. Please research….
thank you for sharing this. i’ll absolutely look into it. i have mthfr on my list of things to ask my doctor about as well when our test results come back in.
Julie – I was catching up with your posts, really needing some words of compassion when I came across your mentioning of a second loss. I too just experienced a second miscarriage and had another D&C last week. We are also requesting more tests as my earlier blood work came back normal. I am so sorry you are going through this sadness. I’ve been managing by learning new recipes, reading, basically trying to channel all my negative emotions into something positive. I want to thank you for talking about this. I think from the beginning, when women are told not to reveal their pregnancies in case of something going wrong, we’re set up to feel alone when something unfortunate does happen; it’s kept hidden. Like you I’ve been opening up to family and friends and that is helping. Thank you for being a model of strength during this difficult time. I greatly appreciate it and hope that you find peace in knowing you’re helping someone. Sending positive thoughts your way.
So sorry for your loss.. after experiencing infertility, -!: beating it twice, we have now experienced our second miscarriage. I was 11 weeks this time, and like you thought “this isn’t going to happen again, what are the chances? Please don’t let it happen again”… I am now lost as to what to do next. After 3.5 years of trying with no babies to hold it is SO hard. I would love any information on what testing is being done for you so that I could request the same.
Hugs
I came here to read this today after finding out our baby’s heart stopped beating yesterday afternoon. Thanks for sharing. It’s so helpful to not feel alone during a time when you feel nothing but ALONE.
Ashley, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It’s crushing. Sending you so much love. You are absolutely not alone. <3
When I miscarried a few weeks ago, one of the first things I did was come back and read this posts. Although they made me so much more sad because the first time I read them I sympathized with you but could not fathom the pain. This time I read them, I knew exactly how much worse it is than one could ever imagine. You were farther along then me both times so my guess is that I only have an inkling of understanding. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for writing your posts. They helped me not feel so alone and encouraged me to share my own story, as painful as it was. Your family will be in our prayers. Thank you again!
Kelli, thank you so much for taking the time to come back to this post and share this with me. I am so, so sorry for your loss. It truly is so unbelievably painful. <3