It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. It is so clear the complete love and adoration you have for all three of your babies, here and in heaven. I will be praying for peace for you and your family and for your home to be filled with precious little ones in the near future.
Inbox so, so sorry for your loss. When I saw your post title, a few tears were shed for you. Praying for you and your family ❤️
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. When I saw your post title, a few tears were shed for you. Praying for you and your family ❤️
Sending so much love to you & Ryan xxxx
I am so sorry, Julie. This must be so hard, and make you feel so helpless.
Praying for you.
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss Julie. Praying for you and your family and sending lots of love.
I didn’t comment on your last miscarriage post because I truly didn’t think that anything I said could make you feel better. But maybe, and hopefully, I was wrong and one more person telling you they are sending you positive thoughts and prayers will in some way bring you solace.
My sister suffered two miscarriages, the pain I watched her and her husband endure seemed insurmountable. Thank goodness they found the strength to try again and have the most beautiful almost two year old daughter now. I am praying that you and Ryan will find the rainbow after this storm that my sister and her husband have found. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Julie, I am so sorry. It is such a heartbreaking experience and I’m sorry you all have to go through the hurt again. I also had two miscarriages between my boys so I understand the joy and fear combined when you get the results of the pregnancy test. I did have tests done after my second and found out I had MTHFR, a clotting disorder. When I finally got pregnant again, I called the Dr. immediately and they prescribed progesterone and I had to take baby aspirin everyday and with that and a lot of prayer, I successfully carried my baby to term. It was the most nerve wracking nine months ever, but so worth it! My prayers are with you, Ryan and Chase.
Oh Julie, I am so so sorry to hear this. I am praying for you and your family during this tough time <3 Take all the time you need and know we'll all be here when you are ready!
I’m so so sorry. I though something was up yesterday when I thought of you. Sending you all lots of light xo
I am so sorry for your loss. Your strength radiates through your words, and I know it will motivate you find the answers your family needs. If it’s any sort of comfort, a friend and her husband had three miscarriages and went on to find out that there were chromosomal issues. They now have a very healthy and happy baby boy. Whatever the results, I wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for being so open and sharing your journey with us!
I am so sad to hear about your news. Thank you for so bravely sharing your story, Julie. I hope that all of the wonderful comments from your readers can bring you some comfort. ??
Julie, long-time reader, but first-time commenter. I am so, so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Unfortunately, I can empathize with your situation. I got pregnant very easily with my two-year-old son. I naively assumed that it would be similar for baby #2. I’ve been pregnant twice since January, and both ended in miscarriage. We opted for testing for my second loss and learned that the baby had a trisomy so in some ways it helped my grieving process to learn that there was a reason for the loss, but it’s still an emotional roller-coaster. I admire you being so open and honest about your losses, which is usually a taboo topic. My friends and family have been supportive, but it hurts to get badgered by questions like “when are you having another kid?” by acquaintances or co-workers who have no clue what we’ve been dealing with this year. I wish you the very best!
My heart breaks for you. I admire your strength. Prayers for you and your sweet family.
So sorry for your loss. I went through two miscarriages as well and finally made it to the second trimester with the third. It is a pain that I wish no one had to go through. I still have days of sadness for the babies I lost and have been scared during this entire pregnancy. I did some testing and found nothing wrong, however, I do take progesterone (always have had low levels) and baby aspirin. I love your outlook and hope to apply that with my life as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Julie –
I have been following your blog for years and my heart absolutely breaks for you and your family. Wishing you peace during this difficult time. Cling tight to Chase and Ryan. <3
So so sorry about this Julie! Praying for you and Ryan and your family.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I can only imagine how it feels. I’m hoping you can find some joy in this hard time. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you lots of love and prayers. I admire you for putting yourself out there for other who may be going through a similar situation though. I’m sure other women will find comfort in that. I’m so saddened and sorry for your family.
Praying for you this morning. My heart just breaks for you. My husband and I have been struggling with fertility issues for the past few years and it is so frustrating. Thank you for being so honest. I know that God sees the big picture in our lives and that gives me so much hope of things to come!
oh my god julie, i am so sorry for your loss. so heartbreaking. i hope you find some answers <3
I’m so, so sorry Julie. <3
Ugh. Julie, I am so sorry that you and Ryan had to experience this. Again. There aren’t words, especially for loss upon loss. I lost my first at 8 weeks and my second at 24 weeks. Still no living children. I know how this kind of grief feels and I’m sorry you and Ryan find yourselves here. Sending lots of positive thoughts that you get some answers. Scary, yes, but very important for future peace of mind.
I am so so sorry Julie. Your family is in my prayers <3
Praying for you and your family <3 I am so sorry that you had to experience this again 🙁
I am so so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love and light your way <3
Julie, I’m so so so sorry. I’m hoping that the testing will give you some answers, but I just know that another little beautiful baby like Chase will be in your future soon!
Julie,
I am so sorry! I cried reading this post. I hope the tests will give you the answers you need. From the last time, I know Ryan and your family are there for you. My thoughts are with you and Ryan and I pray for you that your house will one day be filled with the children you hoped for. Big hugs you!
So saddened to hear this news. Praying for you and your family <3
I’m so very sorry; please know that you are not alone <3
I also suffered 2 miscarriages after our first born and we now have two healthy girls at home. I hope that gives you hope to get through this trial. My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. I’m at a loss of words to give comfort but I so admire your outlook and how you’re handling the loss of your baby. I could not be as strong.
Heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I am also a bit ragey that they made you wait a hour before meeting with the NP to give you the confirmation. That sucks. I went through it 5 times before my little guy came along, and this post brought back all that fear and sadness. Wish I had words of wisdom, but I know there is nothing one can really say to make you feel any better. I am glad you are doing the testing, because it really could be a simple fix. Or maybe they’ll find no issues. Either way, knowledge is key in this journey.
My heart breaks for you and Ryan. I hope you find answers and I pray the next post you write about pregnancy is a happy one. We all can appreciate how honest and open you are about your struggles on this blog. I find nothing more healing than a hug or kiss from your child. I hope Chase showers you with affection and remember to soak up that laugh from your little miracle. Sending big hugs to you!
I am praying so hard for you and your family. You are such an incredibly strong woman and mama and I pray you never have to feel this pain again. I am so sorry 🙁
Oh Julie. Words cannot express nor make any of this feel better for you. You indeed are incredibly strong to be able to even speak about it… I went through FOUR, myself. I can report that I have 2 happy bouncy baby girls and no one would have known any different. God is on your side. I got pregnant with my first and threw in the towel and said I was done trying. A month or two went by without a pregnancy, I believe it got my body back in a good hormonal state (I have a single mthfr chromosome) and 9 months later, we had a baby girl. I’m not sharing for any other reason than I hope this gives you hope. I would have wanted to hear the same thing when I was going through it — praying for you. <3
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. Positive thoughts to you and your family through this difficult time. You guys are a strong family so rely on each other for courage and strength but also, really take care of each other.
I am so sorry, Julie. I hope you find comfort with your loved ones. I also wanted to say how much I admire you (and Ryan) for sharing this deeply personal journey. Infertility and miscarriages are so much more common than a lot of people realize, and I know that you are offering companionship to other families walking this difficult path right now. Much love.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks in May and the pain of losing a baby is indescribale. I cannot imagine having to experience it a second time.
This too shall pass. Sending loving thoughts for healing from the grief as well as the strength to move forward in your motherhood journey.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Sending love to you and your family.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I also suffered from two miscarriages before my beautiful daughter was born (she is 6 months!). The pain is so hard. I’m thinking of you and your family.
I hate that you are going through this. My heart breaks for you and your family. You have such a great perspective…. hold on tight to Chase and yes, he truly is a blessing. You will continue to be blessed in your life… I have strong faith. Stay strong and grant yourself some grace to feel any way you need to feel. Big hugs and prayers. Thank you for being so open and transparent.
I am so so sorry Julie. Cannot imagine the pain you and your family are going through. Sending you all tons of love.
I knew something was wrong when you didn’t post yesterday. So sorry to hear about your loss. Praying you get answers that lead you to your rainbow baby.
Im so sorry Julie! I’ve never seen someone describe so accurately the emotions that come with s second loss. Even though everyone’s experience is unique, I felt like I was reading my own story.
I pray for you and your family. I know bright things are coming for you.. don’t lose hope!
Hi Julie, I recently came across you blog and I was incredibly sad to read this update as I know the feeling all too well. June of last year we went through this….8 weeks heartbeat and everything wonderful. No signs of problems until our 12 and a half week appointment where we got the news. I would never wish this on anyone once let alone twice. I am incredibly sorry for your loss and understand there really is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. The anxiety and sadness will always be there in some form, I struggled with that a lot when we got pregnant again. I was in my doctors office weekly for the first trimester, close monitoring and for peace of mind (as much as it could give at least)….we were so fortunate this time around but I know how hard it was for us through the entire process. The ups and downs, the wondering and the waiting. Wanting to know why it happened the first time but at the same time not wanting to know because I didn’t want to blame myself more than I was. God, it’s so hard. I guess I just want you to know that you’re not alone and I also know you WILL get through this. Big hugs from a random stranger in NY…..
Julie, I’m so sorry that you and your family had to go through this again. Thank you for, again, being so open with your readers about this very personal pain. I hope that you feel as loved by your friends, family, and readers right now as you are.
I am so so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family.
Oh, Julie. I have been following your blog for years now and feel as if you are a friend. I am so very sorry for this loss and hope that you are able to find moments of comfort that help you through this time.
I’m so sorry! I also cried reading your post. But also thank you for sharing the challenges that can come with trying to conceive. I think it’s so brave that you continue to be real with us and I hope you know that we are all keeping your fingers (and toes) crossed for you and your family. Sending lots of love your way!!