It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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Julie, I am so sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Thank you for sharing such a difficult time in your life. Hugs!
ugh ugh ugh. i am so so sorry. you will get through this.
I am so sorry you are experiencing loss again. Don’t ever give up hope of having another child. Life loves to throw you curve balls but that doesn’t mean a good outcome isn’t out there. Take care of yourself and let your son, husband, family, friends bring you joy during this difficult time. You will get through this, and it will make you stronger then ever.
I am so sorry, Julie. . God is good and has a wonderful plan for you we just have to trust him! Sending prayers and hugs your way.
I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for you. Be grntle with yourself, and I hope in time that you can find some type of peace, and that you, Ryan, and Chase will have your prayers answered and you’ll continue to build your family. Hugs to you all.
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss . I pray for healing, peace, and comfort for you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, had 2 miscarriages back to back before we got our daughter. It felt like the longest road to get her and I was a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy. We, too, had tests. Turns out it was just “bad luck” as the nurse practitioner told me. The road to our 2nd pregnancy has been even harder–fertility drugs and treatments, and medically assisted procedures. No miscarriages, but unexplained infertility for 3 years. We so want it to be easy to grow a family, and sometimes God has other plans. Keep you thoughts positive and snuggle that little boy of yours.
I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I hope you can get the answers you need and that your dreams of having more children come true someday soon. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts!
Sharing in your sadness and sending lots of love your way <3
I am so, so sorry to hear this from you again. I’ve had several miscarriages and I know what you’re going through. I’m praying for you, your family, and your future baby/babies. One thing that comforted me with my lost babies was knowing that they’re in heaven with all my beloved family members that have gotten there before me. I bet your and Ryan’s grandmas are having a blast loving on your babies for you until you get to be reunited with them!
This broke my heart, I’m praying for you and hope you get your test results soon and that you can soon grow your beautiful family.
Julie,
My heart absolutely sank reading the title of this post. I out loud yelled “no” although we’ve never met, I feel like I know you so well and my heart absolutely aches for you. I can’t even begin to understand or know what kind of pain you’re experiencing. I don’t think there are any words that will make this pain go away, but please know you have so many virtual friends, in addition to you’re amazing family and friends that are sending you so many hugs and prayers. Thinking of you.
Oh Julie, I’m crying ugly tears while reading this story. You are amazing for sharing such an intimate part of your life. I can’t imagine the roller coaster of emotions you are feeling at any given point right now. I’ve been reading your blog for probably 5-6 years now, maybe longer. I am genuinely sorry to hear of your loss. You and Ryan have an amazing bond, and you will need each other, and Chase, to carry you through another miscarriage. You also have so many supporters outside of your immediate family and friends because of this blog. I pray for you and your family, and I pray that you continue on this journey, for your family to grow, and for you to have more healthy happy babies, just like your sweet Chase. You are so strong, and you can overcome anything, even given the immense amount of grief I am sure you are feeling.
Nothing any of us say makes it easier to move through the grief, but I know that you know we all care so much about you. Sending lots of love.
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. You are so brave to share this with the blogging community. Its important that these stories are shared to normalize something that is unfortunately all too common. <3
I’m so sorry. I had a miscarriage shortly after your first, and we also just experienced our second. It’s devastating. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.
I am so sorry to read this, Julie. Another heartbreak. Thanks for sharing, especially for those of us who have experienced miscarriage too. It’s cathartic to hear someone else’s truth, as gut-wrenching as it is for you. You will get through this and I pray that you will have another healthy baby someday soon!
Oh Julie. Words can’t express how sorry I am for you and Ryan and your family to go through this again. Multiple miscarriages was the hardest thing I have every experienced. My heart stopped when I read your words of “this can’t happen again, lightening can’t strike the same place twice, right???”
Sending you so much love and strength. For me, after my second loss, I’ve personally found therapy tremendously helpful. I hope you find similar comfort and support from the people in your life right now. I wish I could give you a huge hug and hold you so tight right now. xoxo
Julie and Ryan,
Sharing your losses, fears and questions, and hope for the future is so kind of you. So many of us can relate to all those things. So sorry for your loss. You asked for distraction and joy awaiting. After a healthy but scary birth of my son, I had 2 miscarriages. I would have appreciated having a blog like yours during that difficult time (appreciate it still now!). Thankfully I had a wonderfully supportive family and I pray you can lean on yours too! I went on to have 2 beautiful and healthy daughters. My kids are 9, 6, and 6 months. And I’ve been blessed to hear many more stories like this of rainbow babies from friends and family. Sending you virtual hugs and prayers of comfort, hope and faith.
I’m so sorry that you, Ryan and your family have to endure this again. Sending you love and comfort as you go through this difficult time.
So, so sorry for loss. My thoughts are with you.
My heart truly broke to read this post. I am so, so very sorry, Julie. I myself have not experienced miscarriages, but we had a painful struggle with infertility with many failures before we finally able to conceive a healthy baby. I wanted to say first that I felt angry for you that you had to wait that hour of time before you could see the nurse practitioner. How horrible that must have been. Thank God Ryan was with you. I wanted to say second that I am so glad that you are getting the testing done. It is absolutely the way to go. Third, I wanted to say that I totally understand what you mean about fearing the moments alone, those were the hardest times for me. I live in Chicago and take a train into the city for work every day and those train rides were excruciating with me just having my thoughts to myself. The best way I coped with the days (and weeks) after receiving bad news was by spending quality time with my husband/friends/family and distracting myself. I also made a concerted effort to do something fun/relaxing/pampering for myself once a day. Then, when I was gearing up for the next step, I made a point to celebrate each small victory, whether that be a favorable test result, getting an answer, etc. I also leaned a lot on a bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11, in the hard moments – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Your sweet family will be in our prayers!
I am so, so sorry. I’ve said it to you before and I’ll say it again, that I’ve been exactly where you are and if I could, I’d be an ear to listen for you. I hate this so much for you. You’re right that you’ll be OK and then not, and then OK again. I hope the recovery goes well and that you find your heart filled with joy again soon.
I’m sorry Julie. Continue to hold Ryan, Chase, and your family close. Sending you positive thoughts and so much hope.
I’m so heartbroken to hear that you are experiencing another loss. We had a miscarriage before having our son and it leaves me so fearful to try for another. You are so brave to share your story. I pray that you find comfort during this difficult time and are able to experience a healthy pregnancy soon. You seem like the best parents and truly deserve to be blessed with another child. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Long time reader here. I imagine very little can give you comfort right now, but I heard these words of wisdom awhile back that, if you’re religious, may help a little:
“There is a Garden of God. Human beings are trees growing therein. The Gardener is Our Father. When He sees a little tree in a place too small for her development, He prepares a suitable and more beautiful place, where she may grow and bear fruit. Then He transplants that little tree. The other trees marvel, saying: ‘This is a lovely little tree. For what reason does the Gardener uproot it?’ “The Divine Gardener, alone, knows the reason.
“You are weeping, … but if you could see the beauty of the place where she is, you would no longer be sad. “Your child is now free, and, like a bird, is chanting divine joyous melodies. “If you could see that sacred Garden, you would not be content to remain here on earth. Yet this is where your duty now lies.”
Julie, I am so very sorry. Praying for you all as you walk through this time.
Julie, I am so sorry. I couldn’t believe the title of your blog when I first saw it! I’m so incredibly sorry – you are so brave to share your story. I know it will help so many others! Much love for you and your family! Also… maybe you have gone into detail on this subject, but I was wondering if eventually you could write a little bit about what friends and family can do to help those going through this? I have a a few friends that have gone through this the past couple years and I want to be comforting but also not say/do the wrong thing or, on the flip side, not say enough. Thanks!!
Oh Julie, words can’t express how sad I am for you and your family. You will be in my prayers.
I am so terribly sorry for your second loss. No one should ever go through the feeling of losing a baby, especially one that would come into the world with so much love in their life. I know exactly what you’re going through as I lost three pregnancies during my journey to become a mom. I am glad that you have requested to look into testing. My husband and I were told the same thing, that testing was only done after three losses, but a very kind nurse pulled me aside and told me that I could request testing done prior to the third loss and that if it were her, she would do that. We then went through chromosomal testing (holy bloodwork) and ended up finding (in the words of my doctor) that we were diagnosed with the worst luck in the world (except she used a different word for worst that I won’t publish here). It was the most frustrating and best news I had ever heard. Nothing was wrong with us, we just were unlucky. We lost one more pregnancy after the testing was done. We ended up getting pregnant with identical twins and it appeared as though the pregnancy never split correctly. I looked at that as it was God’s way of saving us from terrible heartbreak in the end. We then luckily got pregnant again pretty quickly and ended up having our first baby, a boy! He was six weeks early and my pregnancy had to be monitored very closely for reasons other than the previous loses. He’s a happy healthy three year old now! I then got the surprise of my life when he was three months old that I was pregnant again (we had used IUI to conceive him and I didn’t think we could get pregnant on our own). So, now we have a 3 year old boy and a 2 year old girl! I know the world seems unfair and dark right now, but know that a healthy pregnancy after loss can happen. I pray for your whole family that a new life can be welcomed into the world.
Oh, Julie, my heart sunk when I saw the title of this post. We are all comforting and thinking of you from afar. Take the time you need to process and grieve your little one. We will be here when you are ready.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
My heart breaks for you, sweet friend. Wish I could give you the biggest hug. I’m so sorry this happened. Sending love and prayers your way.
Oh Julie! I am so, so sorry for your loss, and feel so heartbroken for you and your precious family. Sending prayers for comfort and peace, and hoping these few days bring answers.
I’m so sorry for your so sorry for your loss. My mom had three miscarriages before she went on to having four healthy children. I am hopeful you’ll have similar results and I’ll keep your family in my prayers.
My thoughts are with you at this time. Sending love your way!
I’m so sorry.
Prayers for you and your family.
Julie, I am so so so sorry to hear that this happened to you and your family again. I cannot fathom the pain you are going through and my thoughts are with you and your family. I hope you are able to take the time you need to heal.
I’ve been reading your blog for about 5 years or so now. Your routine has actually become part of my routine in a way. When I first started I enjoyed it so much I actually started reading it backwards. I’ve read through your engagement, wedding, travel, multiple moves, you becoming pregnant with Chase, and of course your 1st miscarriage. I didn’t leave a comment then because I figured how could I, a complete stranger to you, help in any way by leaving some minimal generic comment. My heart broke for you and your entire family when I read about your first one. I thought of all the woman I know who have gone though this. Most of them have had this happen multiple times but still have huge families (I have a friend who is a sibling of 4, and her parents had 3 miscarriages). I want you to know that even though you’re going to read a few hundred comments from people, that there are still many many more people reading who just don’t have a clue what to say. Something like “sorry for your lose” can sound a little cold and uninhibited so it’s easier to just not say anything. Thank you for always being so open about sharing your life with us total strangers out here.
I commented before, but I’ll comment again because I had two miscarriages too, prior to having my two healthy babies. I’m so sorry. I know the hurt, the confusion, the sadness and the anger all too well. It sounds like you have a great doctor though and I’m glad to hear that they offered testing to you. My first doctor basically told me that testing was expensive and insurance only covered it after three miscarriages… so, I found another doctor who was proactive and did a full batch of testing. As it turns out, I have MTHFR which could have been a factor in my miscarriages. Extra folic acid, a baby asprin and progesterone where prescribed to me and all went fine with my next two pregnancies. Again, I’m so sorry. Thinking of you all.
For Julie or anyone else reading this searching for answers, MTFHR is very common among Caucasian women (something like 50-60% of them have it, I believe.) The fix is incredibly simple, as Sara says. If you cannot find a doctor to run a test for you, it costs $199 to have a 23 and Me DNA test. You will need to run your results through an analysis service like Promethease, but it’ll tell you whether you have the mutation.
I’m so so sorry Julie. My heart breaks for you. I went through 2 miscarriages before my first daughter was born and I can go right back to that dark sadness. Sending you love.
Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am to hear this. Your strength and courage is inspiring, and sharing your story is a beautiful thing that will help so many couples. My heart goes out to you and your family <3
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing your story and I am sure it will offer some comfort to others going through the same thing. Be kind to yourself and I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts. <3
Julie, I too know the tragicomedy of peeing on sticks week after week, month after month, waiting for some sign that this month it was going to be different. To wait and hope and pray for the days to pass more quickly so that you can get some reassurance that everything is going to be okay. To feel your whole world crashing down when that reassurance doesn’t come. To go into an operating room, and come out not pregnant anymore, just an empty shell, and have to begin the cycle all over again, your life come to a standstill while the world around you continues to spin.
To lose a baby is the oldest pain in the world, and yet it feels like the newest, freshest, most lonely pain the world to everyone woman who experiences it. It’s the loss not just of a baby, of a specific future you envisioned, but of a sense that things will always work out, of trust in your body, of pregnancy innocence, of a belief that there is meaning and order in the things that happen to us. Even to know these things intellectually is not the same as having them carved into your soul with a dull knife by the impersonal hand of the universe.
Your losses did not happen to you for a reason–because you did something wrong, or because God enjoys inflicting pain on us to see how we respond, or because we did something to deserve it. Life comes for all of us in one way or another; no one gets away unscathed. You are not singled out.
The truest words I ever read about baby loss came from Ariel Levy in the New Yorker, in 2013. She lost a baby at 19 weeks and her experience was painful and traumatic and graphic; you may not feel up to reading this yet, but she gave voice to a lot of the dark, painful, conflicting thoughts that come to us in this time, and I hope someday they can bring you some solace, too, or at least a sense that you are not alone in your pain: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/thanksgiving-in-mongolia
Also, last fall, Ask Polly responded to a judgmental letter that asked why women were obsessed with fertility and babies. I hope it brings you some comfort to read her loving, bighearted, tender response: https://www.thecut.com/2016/09/ask-polly-why-do-women-obsess-about-babies-and-fertility.html
“Caring more than you can possibly stand, in spite of terrible odds, is a beautiful thing . . . Look closely at the foolishly optimistic dreamers. Their hearts are wide open, their eyes are wide open, and they have a lot to teach the rest of us about happiness.”
Love and best wishes to you and your family in this dark time.
Prays for you and your family. You are such a strong person.
I’m so sorry to read this. I experienced my first loss a few weeks ago (I have one son already also), and it’s been the worst thing ever. Thinking of you and sending love <30
sending love and positive energy your way. xoxo
Julie, I am so very sorry this happened. Sending you and your family lots of love, peace, and comfort.