It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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I am so so sorry to hear this Julie. My heart breaks for you and your family. Sending thoughts and prayers your way and lots of hugs!
Julie,
I wondered yesterday when your weekend recap wasn’t up if something was wrong and I prayed that everything was OK. I checked first thing this morning and I am so devastated to read of your loss. I will be in prayer for you and Ryan.
So, so sorry for what you are going through. Hopefully reading these comments about healthy babies born after multiple miscarriages brings you some comfort.
I’m so sorry for your loss ,I also had two miscarriages finally I changed doctors on the beginning of my third pregnancy and they gave me progesterone found out I was low on progesterone, and we had a healthy baby girl;)
Ugh, what can I say? I could not feel any worse for you guys. I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and praying for you in this difficult time <3
So sorry, Julie. My heart is with you, Ryan, and Chase. <3
So sorry for your loss Julie. Wishing only the best for you.
Longtime reader, first-time commentor. I miscarried early in my first pregnancy. You’re incredibly brave to put all of this out there–the sadness and uncertainty. Know that you’re helping more women (and their partners and families) than you can imagine who are going through the same thing, and who may not have anyone to relate or talk to about it. I’m wishing you guys strength, healing and success as you move forward! <3
I’m so sorry Julie
I am so sorry to read this. I pray for your family that you will have that house full of children in the future!
I am so truly sorry for your loss. I know, personally, the loss you’re experiencing and it breaks my heart for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh Julie, my heart is breaking for you. So many prayers for you & your family. I don’t know if this is a comfort or not, but my mother experienced a total of 5 miscarriages. 3 in between my sister & I, and 2 after my sister. She still ended up with two healthy babies. I only say that to hopefully encourage you that there’s still so much hope, and technology has come a long way. I hope that is helpful, and know that we’re all thinking of you.
Sending you and Ryan so much love during this hard time. I cannot imagine the pain that you feel, but I do know that you are SO right in knowing that you will look back on this time and know it was part of your journey.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I too have lost 2 babies. I wanted to ask if you’ve ever heard of MTHFR?
I would recommend doing a little research on it. It can lead to several miscarriages. I’m not saying that it’s what caused your miscarriages but it’s worth looking into.
Praying for your recovery and your broken heart.
I am so sorry you know this pain. It’s terrible. I haven’t heard of that but you are not the first person to mention it to me today and I’ll absolutely ask my doctor about it during my next appointment. Thank you for sharing this with me.
Sending love and prayers your way. <3
Just want you to know we are thinking of you during this hard time. My sister has had a series of early miscarriages recently so I know what you are going through. Stay strong honey!
Hi Julie,
Sending so much love and prayers for peace your way.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have been told before, don’t get too excited so soon, but I know it’s impossible. The second there is that positive test, the excitement and anticipation is there and there is nothing worse than a loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Sending hugs to you and Ryan. I’m so sorry, Julie
I am so incredibly sorry, Julie. My heart aches and breaks for you and Ryan. I’ll be lifting you both up in prayer during this incredibly difficult season of life. This, too, shall pass.
I listen to the “Ask Pastor John [Piper]” podcast each week and yesterday’s episode was titled “Glorifying God in Unshakable Grief”. There’s a different backstory than miscarriage, but it speaks to anyone going through grief. Or even if you aren’t going through the valley right now; I had tears rolling down my face. Your statement of “grief and joy can coexist” reminded me of it. http://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/glorifying-god-in-unshakable-grief Know that He is near. Psalm 34:18 <3
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I’ll definitely look into it. <3
Oh Julie, I’m so sorry. I don’t have any other words to say; I’m just so sorry. Thank you for writing. You’re so very brave.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way.
I’m so sorry for this loss, Julie. Sending love and hugs to you all.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve experienced two miscarriages and one chemical, and have three beautiful and healthy children now. Give yourself time to grieve, and I know you will eventually have another healthy baby in your arms!
so very sorry for your loss. sending your family prayers of comfort and peace.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry. Praying for you and your husband during this time. Love on Chase-he snuggles will help. Isaiah 41:13 says “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you”.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this news. You are so brace for sharing this do publicly. I’ve been thinking g about you guys and pray for a healthy baby so soon.
I am so very sorry to hear about your second loss. My heart goes out to you and your famil
I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find the strength <3
I am so sorry for you all. We had the same exact experience as you all. I had a healthy first pregnancy and then two unexpected losses at 11.5 weeks. I know the anxiety, anger and sadness during this time. I know it’s not much at this time but we were blessed with our second son but I do still miss our other babies in heaven.
I have been reading your blog for years. Since the days of cheese bagels at your desk and outfit pictures in the full length mirror at work. My heart just broke for you Julie. I’m shedding tears for you. You are so brave for sharing this story with the people who love you (even if we haven’t met you). I can’t even imagine the emotions you are feeling now but thank you for sharing your life with us. Reading your words always make me remember that there are good people out there and I wish all of the happiness in the world for you.
I am so sorry. Sending you so much love and strength during this time <3 You are truly so brave to share as much as you do and I know it will bring comfort to so many.
My heart is with you and Ryan, Julie. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss. Prayers to you as you endure the grief journey again. <3
I’m so sorry. I’ve been following your blog for awhile now, and love love love getting to follow along as you do life. You’re one of my favorite bloggers – so real and honest. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience and thank you for your honesty. Know you’re helping someone. Know that you have a community of people, while most are virtual, who are rooting for you, crying with you, and blanketing you in prayer. My heart crumpled reading this, and I hope that you and your family feel an outpouring of support and love. Sending you so much love.
I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for you as I read this post. I have also had two miscarriages – both early but after seeing that first heartbeat and likely due to chromosomal issues – and I can relate all to well to everything you have said. Fortunately, I’m now five months along with a baby girl and so far everything is going smoothly this time. Stay strong and don’t give up hope. Sending lots of healing thoughts.
Julie, I’m so sorry! Prayers for your family!
So so sorry for your loss Julie, Ryan and Chase. Take your time to recover both physically and emotionally. You will get there. Things like this remind me to hug my children tight and be thankful for every day that I have had with them, so thank you.
I am so sorry Julie! My heart hurts so much for you and your family! Sending lots of prayers, hugs and positive thoughts to you and Ryan!
I’m so very sorry for your sweet loss. I recently did a bible study that I adored and think you may also find comfort in it (warning: I would skip the first story on Day one of the last week for now if you decide to do it). It’s called Finding Joy by Margaret Feinberg. It was a beautiful gift for me through a difficult season, maybe it can be for you as well <3
I’m so sorry to hear this Julie. I’ve been reading your blog for many years. My son is a healthy two year old but I have also had two miscarriages in the last few months. It’s all very confusing. You always wish there were more answers and someone could tell you “why” even though it’s nothing you’ve done wrong. Sending you lots of love.
Oh Julie, I hate to hear this. Life feels so unfair sometimes. I can feel your hurt and it makes me so sad. Thanks for sharing your feelings with all of us. I am sure it helps to heal you and I am sure it will help to heal someone else going through the same thing. I just know that God will bless you with the right baby. My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs!!!
Oh Julie. I have been following you for about 6 years now and I’m just so heartbroken to read this. I can’t imagine your pain but I wish you and Ryan peace and hope. Sending love and light your way xo
This sounds all too familiar as I also miscarried at 14 weeks in March and came to find out on Saturday morning, July 22nd 2017, we gained a 2nd angel baby. I too, have three healthy children prior to these 2 miscarriages. I delivered in the hospital with Samuel as 14 weeks was too far along to do at home. I now sit on the couch waiting for cytotec to work and cry tears of pain, anger, and frustration. I had a great friend remind me through all the pain–our children are ultimately Gods children and he lends them to us. He chose to take this baby just like he took Samuel much too early.
I am sorry for your loss–words will never be enough to console during such a difficult time. Our healthy loves at home keep us going and remind us Gods plan is the ultimate plan in this crazy world. I too will have a series of tests run in 2 weeks–I will pray for you to get answers, find peace, & understanding. Gods blessings!
I am so, so sorry, Chelsey. Your comment made me cry for you, for Samuel and for these beloved babies we wish so badly we could hold every day. Praying for you. <3
Julie, I know there are no words to help during this time as I too have been in your shoes. I experienced 2 missed miscarriages prior to my healthy 2.5 month old I now have. I know the feeling all too well of seeing that healthy baby at 8 weeks and then the little babe passing and finding out at the next appointment. Your post hit close to home. Just remember it is hard right now, but there will be a rainbow at the end of the storm. Having my rainbow baby in May reminded me that there is always light at the end of a dark tunnel. He is my world! Hang in there and if you have any questions feel free to reach out to me. I did get some testing done after my 2 missed miscarriages and can offer some insight on that. My doctor also made some changes with my third pregnancy which helped ease my mind during those anxiety ridden months. Thinking of you guys and am so so sorry for your loss.
So so sorry for your loss x
Julie, it was impossible not to cry with you reading this post. Thank you for sharing your story, as I’m sure it was probably so difficult. Praying for you and your family during this time. This is not the end of your journey. xo
I just wanted to say how truly sorry I am for your loss. As someone who had multiple miscarriages, I know there is nothing that anyone can say to take away the pain. But please know you aren’t alone and I thank you for sharing your story and being strong enough to do so. I sat in silence for so long. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I usually don’t comment on blogs, but my heart goes out to you Julie and I am so so sorry for your loss(es). I have been there – exactly the same way, after my firstborn. I know we don’t know each other, but if I could I would give you a huge hug. I have no words of wisdom, but please know that there are those of us out there in the world sending all the positive vibes and comfort your way. Hang in there. If you ever need to vent to someone who’s been there, I’m a good listener.
I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and share a little bit about your experience, too. I’m so sorry you’ve been here before.