It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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I’m so sorry for your losses. My mom had 3 miscarriages and then triplets, so it can happen! She was not on fertility drugs. I prayed for you and your family. Losses are hard. ((Hugs))
Very, very sorry for your loss.
My heart stopped when I saw your title. Your readers all love you and all feel this pain with you. So truly sorry Julie. <3
My heart is broken for y’all. Y’all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and I just know this isn’t the end of your journey either. We love you and we’re all here for you through this difficult time xo thank you for opening your heart to us.
So sorry to read this today, Julie! Thinking of you and sending hugs!
My prayers are with you and your sweet family <3 <3 <3
Julie – I have been a loyal reader of your blog for years but have never commented.. I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for your loss. Your transparency is inspiring and I am sending prayers to you, Ryan, and Chase <3
All my love to you, Ryan, and Chase. Xoxo. I just wish I could swoop you up in a big hug. I’m SO sorry you’re experiencing this again. When I worked as a psychiatric nurse and had patients who experienced loss, I liked to be very frank about it… It. Freaking. Sucks. There is absolutely no other way to put it and have the feeling be more literal. It. Just. Freaking. Sucks. — sorry that sounds so stupid, but I’ve found that being as real as possible about what it is can be very liberating. People (just trying to be kind) tend to go straight to the “positive thinking” side. While that’s awesome and definitely has a time and place, allowing the feelings and situation to be what it truly is for a period of time can really aide in healing. Now to the positive. 😉 Jesus loves you so much. God experienced the loss of a child, so keep in mind He can relate to exactly what’s on your heart right now. Go to Him and allow Him to comfort you and guide you. Cry. Pray. Laugh. Thank Him for the joyful moment. You’re so incredible and I look up to you in so many ways (I’ve been a “silent reader” for years now, but never really comment). Much love to you. I’ll pray hard for better days to our weight your “bumpy” ones. ((Finger hearts)) 🙂 – Stac
Thank you so much. It’s so true. It really, really sucks. It’s miserable, horrible and HARD. I really appreciate your comment — the beginning and the end. <3
Julie, you and Ryan are in my prayers. What an excruciating thing to have to go through again. I so admire your strength in sharing your experiences, and I know you have given hope and comfort to so many readers through your honesty and positive outlook. Wishing you strength and peace as you work through this extremely difficult time. God bless!
prayers for you and ryan, sweet girl.
Prayers for you and your beautiful family.
Julie and family, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I wish I had the right words to say to make it not so painful. Instead, I will pray for you guys
I am so, so sorry!! No one should have to go through that once, let alone twice. My heart breaks for you! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am crying for you! I am so sorry! When I read about your first miscarriage I was pregnant and then weeks later I suffered my own miscarriage. I agree being alone is the worse. Driving was where I cried the most. Cry when you need to. I also agree looking at our babies makes it a tiny bit easier seeing the gift of God in front of us (I have a Chase too). Praying for you and Ryan!
aww..my heart is breaking for you and your family. I am so sorry. You were on my mind yesterday. I realized I had not seen any posts on any social media or a blog post and remembered your family was in town. 🙁 I’m so sorry this is the reason. I know it is hard and you want answers and understanding. Everything is in His time and will all make sense one day. This is something I have learned and have learned to embrace over the years.
Sending lots of love, hugs, prayers, comfort, and peace.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sending you so much peace, love and strength during this time.
I’m so sorry. There’s nothing anyone can say to make it better.
I won’t say I know how you’re feeling because no one can but I know how I felt with three consecutive early losses. I’m not sure I can articulate it better than to say it was the depths of despair and worse pain than I have ever known.
We also have another child and I found many people including medical professionals remarkably un-empathetic using the ‘at least you’ve got one’ argument.
We’ve ultimately turned to IVF and genetic embryos screening and are now hopeful of a successful outcome.
All I can say is take care of yourself and each other. And try to be strong. You are not alone. Xx
Oh Julie, I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you and your family as you work through this trying time. Wishing you peaceful nights of rest and days filled with the love of your family and friends.
I am so sorry for your losses. So many prayers and thoughts for you. I have experienced recurrent pregnancy loss after having my son (who was premature but healthy). I recommend getting any and all testing done now that you can before trying again. I recommend a group on Facebook called PALS (pregnancy after loss), specifically the “trying to conceive” group. You can find out so much information in there. I also recommend going ahead and seeing a fertility specialist. Don’t wait around and don’t depend on an OB-GYN to know everything, because they just don’t always have the knowledge and/or expertise for recurrent loss 🙁 Some amazing specialists are at “IVF” clinics, but they do more than just IVF! I don’t want to overwhelm you with advice. Just some things to think about only when and if you are ready. ♥♥♥♥
Julie, I know this is just another comment floating in cyberspace, but my heart really told me to reach out to you. I have been reading your blog first thing every morning for, literally, years. When I saw the title of the post this morning, I felt such heartache and sadness alongside you. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, and it was such an indescribably heart-wrenching experience on so many levels. I totally relate to the anxiety and fear that you described – I often felt as if the anxiety was going to eat me alive. I am in awe of your strength in sharing your story…I felt so incredibly alone during that time and like no one could understand or relate to my pain and grief. In sharing your story, you are bringing a light through the darkness to other women to let them know that they are not alone in this. I will sincerely be praying for you to have healing, peace, comfort, and HOPE. I am so so deeply sorry for your losses and truly wish I could give you a hug! Cling to your perfect little sunshine in Chase, and your wonderfully supportive rock of a husband in Ryan.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God/ and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”
Im so so so sorry, my heart breaks for you. It is a wonderful sign that you have Chase and that you are able to get pregnant. I struggled for years and couldn’t get pregnant and never thought my life would take the turn it did….IVF. I am a healthy 30 year old and had nothing wrong with me and shockingly half of my eggs were bad. I had zero insurance coverage and we basically drained all of our savings for it but it was such a blessing. The reason why i’m saying that is…sometimes life doesn’t go as planned or the easy way, but we all have a path and things do happen for a reason. If I was able to get pregnant automatically it wouldn’t make me the mother I am going to be after struggling for so long. Life has a very weird way of doing things and I know you will get another baby in your arms again but maybe it will just be the hard way (which in the end isn’t always bad). Hoping your getting some rest and I wish you guys the best of luck. xoxoxo
Julie I am so sorry. You seem like such a great mom and such a positive person, this is not fair! Im so glad you aren’t giving up though. I pray you have lots of support and love around you at this time. Be good to yourself. I lost my mom reently and I totally relate on how weird yet kind of good it is that life just carries on even though it feels like the world stopped. All my best to you and your family. <3
I am so sorry, Julie. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I’m also a long-time reader but rare commenter.. I was nervous when I didn’t see a post from you yesterday and my heart sank when I saw this title. I’ve never been through this so I can’t fully understand what you’re going through but I’m so so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers <3
I am so sorry for your loss, Julie. My heart broke when I saw this post pop up. I will keep your family and future family in my prayers, you have such a tribe of people supporting you and praying for you through all this. <3
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You are helping so many others who have felt the same pain, but lack the ability to express their pain in words, as you have so eloquently (and painfully) have done.
I’m so incredibly sorry. You are such a ray of sunshine to so many people that you touch and I know you will be blessed with a child again, one way or another. My heart breaks too, as I realized we would’ve been due a few days apart and I just can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. Please know how many people are thinking of you and your family.
Oh Jules, my heart aches for you, prayers of comfort are flying your way. Take your time and heal, hopefully the test will give some answers and possible prevention in the future. You are loved.
Xoxo
I am very, very sorry for your loss. I want to reach through this computer and give you a real hug. Alas, I can give you all the virtual hugs I can.
While I can not imagine what you are going through, please reach out if you need to talk. As a gal going through infertility, it I can always lend an ear (even as a stranger).
This sentence you posted rang true to me:
Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you.
So hug your little man a little tighter and surround yourself with positive people as you go through this.
xoxoxo.
I have no magic words that will help you, just know we are all so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and Ryan…
My heart is breaking for you, Julie. Many thoughts and prayers…
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss.
I am sorry to hear this. I just recently started following your blog, but my heart goes out to you. I love your positive attitude and your perspective on life.
I was so sad and sorry to read this. What an awful thing to endure twice. I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago, and I feel your pain and sorrow. It’s hard to believe that it’s actually happening when it does. I know you must be shocked and so sad. I’m so sorry. I’ll pray that your sweet family does grown one day soon. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry. As we are on a journey to conceive, your heartfelt words ring so true. Thank you for helping to eliminate the stigma of this type of loss and sharing your story.
This truly breaks my heart for you both Julie. I’m so sorry you’ve had to walk this walk twice now with two of your sweet babies. I am so very glad that you know the comfort and hope that comes with faith and reliance on God. It’s the main thing that has gotten me through the last month, along with an amazing community surrounding me and stories like yours that other women have shared with me. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story.
We got our chromosomal test back yesterday after losing our baby at 14 weeks and me needing to have a D & E. There were no abnormal findings, but I do know that my first baby is a boy now. Praying that the information you get with your results give you some comfort and that you and Ryan both are comforted and find peace during this awful time.
I am so sorry. I, too, had 2 miscarriages after my son was born. When I became pregnant again, my wonderful (new) doctor put me immediately on progesterone suppositories and 9 months later my daughter was born. Apparently, I was low on the progesterone hormone so the fetus couldn’t hold tight (or something like that). Stay strong
Julie,
I am so very sorry that you’re going through this again. Please know that there are many people who are thinking of you.
Dear Julie I’m so sorry for your loss. I know your heart is breaking. My thoughts and prayers are with you today.
I wish there were words to say to make it all better. You are a true joy and you touch so many lives through this blog. Reading your posts daily got me through the loss of my mom and my brother. I didn’t go through that alone because of you and you are not going through this alone. I think I speak for many, many readers when I say that our thoughts and prayers are with you. My heart breaks for you and Ryan but know that there are better days ahead.
Sending much love to your family!
This made me cry. Thank you, Alaina. I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for letting me into your life during such a hard time. <3
I am very sorry for your loss and in prayer with you!
Julie, I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know it’s been a very hard time for you anyway since your first loss, and my heart broke as soon as I read the title of this post. I’ve never been pregnant so I can’t understand the pain you’re feeling, but I have so many friends and family who have experienced pregnancy loss that I know how powerful the sorrow can be. Please know how much joy your blog brings me and how hard I’m praying for your family’s peace. You’ve written so beautifully about your loss in the past and this one is no different. I agree that learning whatever you can may be scary, but at least you’ll be closer to finding answers for the future and closure for your loss. We may not know you personally, but you touch our lives every day and we’re here praying for you and sending you love and positivity. Thank you for your candor, and I hope you’re able to hold on to the comfort you find in Chase and Ryan as you walk through this again. <3
Julie, I am a regular reader but have never commented – I’m so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you at this very difficult time!
I’m so terribly sorry to hear this and are sending big prayers and hugs your way. I’m glad the doctors are being proactive and are looking into this for you, so you don’t have to wait too long to get answers. Losing a baby or babies is the worst thing in the world and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this again. I know that there’s nothing that can be said to make it any better, but know that you are not alone and that you are loved by many. Be kind to yourself and take care as best as you can.
crying tears with you Julie. Heartbroken. Words cannot express my deep sorrow for your precious, loving heart. The world needs more Julie in it, don’t stop shinning.
Sending you guys hugs from Chicago xoxo
Oh I’m so very sorry Julie. I love your blog and am in tears reading this. Because my heart aches for you and because it brings back memories of my own missed miscarriage. I too found out at 12 weeks that my perfect little boy didn’t have a heartbeat. It’s so very very hard. But I went on to have perfect, healthy little girl. I know nothing helps right now but please remember that we all love you. Time will make it easier.
oh Julia, I’m so so sorry! Thinking and praying for you!
Hi Julie… I just wanted to share this, although it’s deeply personal, because after multiple miscarriages my sister has finally sustained a pregnancy. It appears she was progesterone deficient which would not allow her to maintain a pregnancy beyond her first trimester. She asked her doctor about hitmone therapy. She is now approximately 15 weeks pregnant…the first time she has made it this far. Just thought I would share that in case that might be of any help to you. So very sorry for your loss.
*hormone therapy to even out progesterone levels
So sorry! Thinking of you and your family.