It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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I am so sorry that you and Ryan have to go through this once again. Sending positive thoughts and many prayers to you both.
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
I am so sorry to see this post. I am trying to educate myself on this entire process and I have Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler empowering
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there too, two times over, so you are not alone. After my second miscarriage I was blessed with my son, don’t give up hope and know that there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.
Xoxoxoxoxo
My heart broke reading this. Thank you for once again sharing something so vulnerable and honest. Thinking of you and your family.
Julie, there are no words. I am heartbroken for you and your family.
I’ve written you a number of times (and you’ve commented back) about my experience with my miscarriage and having a rainbow baby. I will be sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way. I pray the road is no longer bumpy. I hate that you have had to deal with such horrible pain and loss.
But Julie, there is one thing I have not told you and I feel like I should tell you now. I know nothing anyone can say will ease the pain but I still want to share. I think back on the seven months I spent longing to be pregnant and longing for another baby after my miscarriage. Those were very tough months. However, the last year has been even harder mentally. When I had a six month old who had outgrown the rock n play and would not sleep in his crib…at all. It took me six months to get him to sleep one hour in his crib, while taking care of an older son too. I thought I was going crazy. His sleep issues have continued for an entire year (he still hasn’t slept an entire night in his crib) and between the sleep deprivation, the constant needs of my two children, some postpartum issues and massive anxiety issues, I found myself constantly saying to myself, “How am I possibly feeling more down now that I have two children, than I did when I was longing for two children? How?” My point in sharing this with you is this…we all struggle at different points in our lives. I know this probably feels like the absolute worst pain you have experienced. But because you are you, and your readers have seen how positive and hopeful you are, and how thankful you are to have Chase, you will hold on to the daily joys that your life will still have, regardless of any pain you are going through at this time. You will get through this. There will be more joy to come. Thinking of you and sending a big hug.
Julie,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this again. I too have had 2 missed miscarriages in the last year. Reading your post made me feel that familiar frustration and sadness again. It breaks my heart that so many women have gone through this. I will be thinking of you and your family during this hard time.
While I want to remain anonymous, I feel compelled to write you because of how brave you are to share this pain with so many. While I’m not brave enough to own my losses publicly, I have walked in your shoes. And I know the only thing that helps me are the fleeting moments when I don’t feel so alone. So here I am–writing.
I too have a beautiful toddler born in 2015. We suffered our first missed miscarriage in October 2016 and again last month. Both miscarriages ended with D&Cs. Our stories are so similar and your reaction to learning about your second was like an echo of my tear-filled ramblings on that sad morning: I couldn’t go through another one. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I’m so disappointed by my body. And even today I still can’t believe it happened–again.
These losses have fundamentally changed me as a person. They’ve changed my outlook on life and they’ve darkened my spirit. Most days I feel broken. Angry. Despondent. Hopeless. The only thing that keeps me going is that sweet cheerful toddler–the light of my life; my literal sunshine.
I’m only about 30 days through this. The HCG has still not left my bloodstream. My body feels tattered by blood draws and my heart feels scarred. But I know the only thing that makes me feel better is holding tightly to my little one, breathing her in. And knowing that I’m not alone in this pain.
Thank you so much for your post. You will be in my thoughts as we continue this journey. A world away, but definitely not alone.
I am so sorry to hear about your and Ryan’s loss. Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story, as this happens far too often and it takes such courage to be open about. Please know you and your beautiful family are in my thoughts and prayers, and wishing you only the best. You are admired!
Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family. ❤️
Julie,
My heart breaks to read this post. I am so incredibly sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Oh Julie. I’m so incredibly sorry. Thank you for sharing your story so openly. I think it’s incredibly helpful to others who have gone or are going through similar situations. Chase is one cuuuuuuuute little kiddo — I can see why you want more. I hope you get encouraging answers soon.
My fellow Mama heart breaks for you Julie – your whole family will be in my thoughts and prayers! <3
I am so sorry you are having to go through this again. My heart is breaking for you.
I”m so sorry Julie. Hug Chase tight. He is indeed a miracle and all you need to do is look at him and know that God has a path and a plan for the Fagan family.
I’m so sorry, Julie – sending hugs to you.
My heart is full of sadness for your loss. I have had 2 miscarriages back to back when I was first married and no the feeling of emptiness you are experiencing. I have 2 healthy grown daughters-don’t ever give up hope. We don’t know gods plan-my prayers and thought she go out to you and your husband. May god bless you-hugs
My heart aches for you and Ryan. You are so brave to share this, ultimately helping others. Chase is very lucky to have you both as parents (Sadie too). Prayers from afar.
Thank you for sharing this with us, Julie. I have tears streaming down my face as I relate to your heartache, and I also admire your honesty and sincerity in knowing that beauty can and will come from these ashes.
I’m praying for you and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your story; it gives a voice to all the women out there holding this pain secretly in their hearts.
Julie/Ryan/Sadie,
My heart broke reading this. Sending you so much love and warm hugs. I know you have hundreds of comments to read so I will keep this short.
Sending love and prayers for God’s peace that passes all understanding
My heart is breaking for you, Julie! I myself, just recently found out we were expecting our first child… only to find out we weren’t anymore. Upon hearing our unfortunate news I referred to your post about your first miscarriage. It really helped to read about someone else’s story, especially someone “I know” (I’ve been reading PBF for years). Thank you for sharing your life, even the sad parts. Prayers to you and your family!
Julie, you are a beautiful women who has encouraged and inspired countless women with your blog. I’m praying for you today. God has a plan for your family.
My heart broke for you and Ryan when I read the title of your post. You are so inspiring, sharing your heaetache with us. My prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.
Julie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had words of comfort that would help you along through this journey. I have been through infertility treatment after treatment to only have two miscarriages in the last year. So I know there is no magic trick to help with healing or that erases all pain from your mind. I pray that you find some peace. I pray you get your rainbow baby.
I am hopeful that your words will connect and help others who are struggling with the unspeakable loss of a child. Though there is nothing I can say that will heal this ache, please know you are loved and prayed over as you grieve. As Elisabeth Elliott would say, weep, and then do the next thing. I sincerely hope you find peace and joy on this sad journey.
Julie, I am so sorry to hear about this sad moment in your life.
Although I only know you from the internet, I am truly a fan of how joyful and bright you are. From reading your blog and following you on Instagram, all I can see is a person who is so passionate about life, family and friends. I hope this sad situation will eventually not consume you so much, so that you can see you have a beautiful family and the time will come when that family will grow a bit more. My mom had my brother and tried for a second baby for 7 years, with 4 miscarriages until I came around. I truly hope you don’t go through as much pain as she did, but I do hope you get another baby who you will love and hold and cherish forever soon and who will love you just like Chase does. The time will come, it’s just sad that you have to through some bumps on the road, but all you can do now is allow yourself to grieve while loving your little one and giving him the best time you possibly can.
My thoughts are with you, I hope you feel like your happy self soon.
Ana
Dear Julie and Ryan,
There are no words except I am so sorry.
Blessings to you both.
Julie, I was so very sorry to see this news just now. I am SO sorry for your loss. I have no other words, except much love, hugs, and prayers going out to you and Ryan!
My whole heart goes out to you. I got married later than most and I feel like Cinderella with my biological clock these days. Praying for just one blessing, but keep getting disappointed. I will keep you in my prayers as our journeys may be different but our desire is the same.
I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain you and Ryan are going through, although I know that isn’t possible. I am so sorry for your loss and that this was not the first time you had to go through this. I do commend you on your strength in sharing your loss & not aiding in this being a “taboo” subject. Praying for you to find answers, and for the grieving process.
Oh Julie. I am so sorry you had to go through this again. I wish there were words I could write to bring you comfort. My heart aches with you and your family at this time. Sending all my prayers and love your way xx
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. You’ve been so brave sharing these experiences with the world and putting words to what so many women have experienced, including myself. All to often, women are in it alone not knowing there are others to lean on with similar experiences. I’m sending nothing but positivity your way!
I am so sorry for you and your family to go through this pain. I know families thst have suffered the loss who now have 3 or 4 perfectly healthy children…it’s just bitterly difficult to not have a “good” reason why this has to happen. I hope you take your time to grieve this loss and look forward with faith and sureness of another future child. Love to your family!
Julie & Ryan:
I’m so sorry to read about this happening again. Praying earnestly for God’s comfort and love to surround you both in this time.
Julie I am so sorry. I had 2 miscarriages before Trey and 1 before Tanner. It robs you of so much. I’m glad you are doing testing. My OB did testing on me too after my 2 in a row because I didn’t have any children yet. Unfortunately there was never a reason for my first 2. Chromosome-wise there were no issues and all the genetic testing came back normal on the baby. Then we had Trey and thought all was fine but the miscarriages before Tanner proved otherwise. It turns out I had a MTHFR genetic mutation that caused me to miscarry. I truly believe that after all the research and meetings with a geneticist that Trey was an absolute miracle. I was able to take a medicine (that I will take forever) that allowed me to carry Tanner. The MTHFR was only discovered through a specialist. I want so badly for you to find answers. I left no stone unturned. We saw a fertility specialist, a geneticist, a perinatologist, and a fertility acupuncturist. You do what you need to do to get your answers and have more children. Prayers for you Julie.
Thank you, Kelly. Your words mean so much to me and I loved following your pregnancies. Thank you for sharing this with me. I am collecting notes from comments like yours and the stories others are sharing with me to bring to my appointment to ask about testing and options as we move forward. I am so sorry for your losses.
Thank you for sharing. I actually was checking your blog periodically to see if you had any news to share and my heart fell when I saw this title on Bloglovin’. I’m really sorry and I am praying for your family and for hope for the future!
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers. <3
Unfortunately I know all too well how you’re feeling. I just had my first miscarriage last night. We had 4 boys and our 4 year old died on July 1 from epilepsy. So just three weeks after we lost him, we lost our little blessing too. The last paragraph you wrote brought tears to my eyes and a peace to my soul.
Courtney, I am crying for you. Through this pain, I find myself thinking of the mothers who have been there and those who have been through so much worse. YOU inspire me with your kindness and your compassion through your pain. The fact that you took the time to reach out to me is honestly so incredible to me. I cannot possibly find the words to take away the crushing pain of losing a child. I am so, so sorry. You have my tears and you have my prayers. And I am so, so sorry for the miscarriage you experienced last night. It’s horrible and heartbreaking and unthinkable that you should have to experience this on top of the loss of your son. You truly are an incredible woman and your comment touched me.
God is carrying me through it. That’s the only way I’m making it. Thank you for your prayers and you and your family have mine as well. The night can only last for so long. And when the light finally comes, it will be so bright.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. You and Ryan are in my prayers. I cannot imagine your grief and I hope that God provides you and your family with comfort in this time.
My heart is breaking for you, sweet friend. I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through this at all, let alone twice. I can’t even imagine what that would feel like. I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love and hope your way. xoxo
Julie and Ryan,
When I read the post headline I literally gasped and said out loud “oh no!” I know we don’t know each other personally, but I love coming to your little corner of the web and reading about the joy and love you share with your family and readers. Im hurting along with you and I am so sorry for your loss and pray for comfort and love to surround you both.
Blessings
I’m so sorry Julie, it’s such a terrible thing to go through. I’m currently very early with my third pregnancy, the last one ending in a miscarriage and I am terrified every moment that this will happen to us too. Thank you for sharing your pain with me. Thinking of you, Alyssa
Julie, I’m a longtime reader, and I wanted to say how sorry I am. Even though you’ve been through so much with these miscarriages, you are so strong, and you should continue that hope that you will have a house filled with children. I will be thinking of you!!
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry Julie! As a long time reader I’ve been along for the ride for your highs and your lows and everything in between and I just want you to know that I’m here for you in thoughts, in prayers, in camaraderie and kinship, even though I’m not physically close by. I know I can’t “do” anything to make it better, but hopefully knowing that your readers are rooting for you and praying for you and care about your happiness will help you feel some level of comfort. You’re not alone. Even when I don’t comment I’m still here. <3
So much love being sent your way, sweetie! <3 *hugs hugs hugs*
Ah, I’m so sorry for your pain. It’s exhausting hearing that there’s nothing you can / could have done. You almost wish that there was something you did or didn’t do. My husband and I have been trying for 3.5 years for our first…still nothing. All the appointments – “nothing is wrong with either of you.” It’s frustrating and tiring and heartbreaking. My pain isn’t the same as yours, I haven’t once seen a positive pregnancy test…but I do know what heartbreak feels like. I wish you only the best in this journey. Try to remember that we may not realize now why some things happen, but someday we might learn. Hold your family close and try to keep your chin up.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so, so sorry for your loss and thinking about you and Ryan. It is unfair that you have to go through this. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and not leaving out the tough stuff. I am sure that your honesty and vulnerability will make a difference for so many.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family