It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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I am so sorry for your loss. You and your beautiful family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry for your losses. These are the types of things we can never really understand the meaning of. Hug that little boy with everything you’ve got and believe the future is bright.
I am very sorry Julie and Ryan. I can understand the terrible feelings you both are going through. I lost my very first baby as a stillborn 9 days before the due date. The pregnancy was totally normal and so was the baby. Just her cord was too tightly twisted andtcouldn’t handle the growth spurt at the end with getting enough oxygen. Of course they did an autopsy and since everything was perfect with her no genetic testing was done. However, for my next pregnancy I was considered high risk and more ultrasounds and stress tests were done towards the end. We induced two weeks early and got our miracle baby girl. I got pregnant again and had another miracle – a healthy baby boy. There will be light at the end of the dark tunnel you are experiencing right now. You have to believe and get a doctor who understands and supports you. Good luck to you both.
Hi Julie: My husband and I have a son, and once he was 1 we decided to start to try for another. After my first miscarriage, I was sad. After my second, I thought, “This is cruel. Unnecessarily cruel.” After my third, I thought, “WHAT THE F””K?” I can identify with your hurt, and it sucks. There is no way around it. It sucks. I’d say jump on all the testing you can now— the more the merrier— and give your heart the space it needs to be sad, angry, anything and everything it needs to be. I grieve with you.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, Julie. Thinking of you and your family during this hard time <3
I get your emails and couldn’t believe it when I saw the subject. I am so sorry. I’ve had to go the fertility folks and surprisingly got pregnant on the first round of drugs. Our happiness ended on Father’s Day as i miscarried. It was hart braking after seeing and hearing the heartbeat. I vasilated from crying and being so upset to rage and anger. Why was everyone else having their second and third babies while I can’t have one. We’re trying again and I hope you will too when you’re ready. I’ve seen on your blog what a wonderful mother you are. Prayers and happy thoughts to you.
To Julie and Family, I am so sorry to hear this sad news. I will certainly keep all of you in my prayers as you begin to process this tragic news. I wish you a safe procedure and recovery.
Julie,
I have been reading your blog for years and years. I am SO sorry you are going through this again. I just this past weekend went through a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and as soon as I found out I hunted down your posts on it. They were so helpful, so I wanted to thank you for your openness. When I opened my email today with this post, I literally said out loud–oh no, not again!! when I read the title of your post. Julie, I’m sooooo so sorry. It’s an awful thing to have to go through (again). We never know why God allows these things to happen. It has been a struggle for me too. I hope you are able to find peace, and don’t give up. It’s good that you’re going to get some answers soon. I can totally relate with what you said about appreciating your child even more–I have a 16 month old and I feel the exact same way. Again, so so sorry. Big hugs to you.
Hi Sweet Julie,
I have never left a comment before. My heart just breaks for you and I wanted to send hugs your way. There is nothing that I can say to make it better, I know that. Only time and surrounding yourself with love during this difficult time is that all you can do. Never lose hope and please take care of YOU right now because I know that you are hurting. Don’t silence yourself and be sure to surround yourself with what you need. You are such a wonderful wife to Ryan and father to Chase. Keep that chin up, beautiful. You are so wonderful.
XOXO
Julie,
I am very sorry for your loss. Praying sincerely that God gives you peace and comfort during this time.
Since your first miscarriage, I was waiting for happy news for you as well. I am so so sorry Julie. I will be praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story, for making miscarriages something we can talk about, and for giving us all voices for the babies we’ve lost.
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I have one living child and have had 9 early losses. After a lot of testing (that all came back normal) I learned my body has an immune response to pregnancy and attacks the embryo as it’s implanting and prevents the embryo from growing appropriately. It’s very rare and there are not many doctors that even believe it truly happens (but it most definitely does!!!). Don’t waste time with your obgyn they are not specialists and will not be able to offer the in depth testing that you need. Especially since you had placenta issues with Chase and now two losses you need in depth recurrent pregnancy loss testing from a reproductive endocrinologist that specializes in recurrent losses. Research the ones in your area, and find one that is open to sending your case to the Beer Institute in California for advanced immune testing and they will customise a treatment plan for your body, they do amazing work there. Unfortunately, it comes at a price but my RE told me all her patients have had a baby the first time with no issues using their treatment plan even after many losses.
I have high levels of uterine natural killer cells and fortunately and unfortunately got pregnant accidentally before getting referred to the Beer Center. My Dr put me on an idiopathic treatment for recurrent losses of 20mg of prednisone per day. I am now 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant which is huge for me as all my losses occurred early on. I have a friend that had several later losses, was referred to the Beer Center and carried perfectly fine using their immune system treatment plan.
Please feel free to email me if you would like to talk more. I urge you to seek a specialist now and to avoid trying again until you get some answers. Immune issues tend to get worse and losses to tend to occur earlier with each pregnancy. You will have another baby, don’t doubt that, you just need to find the right Dr to help you get there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying for healing…
Julie and Ryan,
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I hope the testing gives you the answers you need to heal and move forward.
You are an internet stranger to me, but I cried reading this. No one deserved that kind of pain, especially people that seem to have such amazing hearts like your family. Thinking of you.
Julie, I’m so sorry for your losses. I lost a pregnancy earlier this year and the pain is still raw. I had to miscarry at work and get through meetings that week pretending everything was fine when I was in agony inside. Be good to yourself, I know how much you are hurting. You are not alone.
dear julie,
i am so very sorry to read about
your loss.
i hope that you can find the answers
to your questions and heal quickly.
your blog and your family are so
wonderful. chase and sadie always
make me feel happy.
take care.
I am so, so sorry Julie. You and your sweet family are in my prayers for healing and comfort. God has beautiful plans for you! Stay strong!
I had the same choked up feeling that I did when I read about it happening the first time here. So sorry for your loss and heartaches. I have had a lot of adversity the last few years with medical diagnoses and yet the rest of the world continues to move on. It’s so,so hard. However, I’ve never had miscarriages so I cannot even imagine what you are experiencing. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!! Love reading your blog!
For some reason, I had a feeling (and secretively hoping!) you were pregnant again. I can’t explain it but I have this weird 6th sense. I am so saddened by your news. My husband and I just recently went through a missed miscarriage back in May. It was by far the most heart shattering experience I’ve ever been through. The feelings of guilt, shame, the fear of the unknown… destroyed me. Luckily like you, I have an unbelievably supportive husband and sweet baby boy to snuggle. I wanted to reach out because I know during this time you will want some comfort in knowing that everything will be OK. I recently ordered 2 books that I have started to read. The first is called “Wait and See, Finding Peace in God’s Pauses and Plans” and “In Due Time: Hope and Encouragement in the Waiting.” The second is a 60 day devotional. I have found myself to be in a better place by turning to positive, spiritual thoughts and a higher being… knowing that everything really does happen for a reason. It took my husband and I 8 months to conceive our son, and when I think back to it, I would wait 1000 years for him. I really would. Go kiss your baby and hug your hubby. You will be in my thoughts and prayers xoxo
<3
Julie I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Since you shared the news of your first miscarriage I have been praying for you <3 I will continue to keep you and Ryan and Chase in my prayers.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this again, and so soon. I love reading your blog. Thanks for being so open and honest. Praying for you!
God bless you beautiful . . . I have been where you are – keep strong – keep believing. You will be blessed again. It will better than you imagined. xoxoxo
Life can be terribly hard at times and beautifully perfect in others. Im so sorry for the hurt your family is experiencing right now. My daughter is a couple weeks younger than Chase and I’m due with our 2nd any day. I’ve learned that being comfortable with where we are in life at any moment (especially when our hearts want more) is extremely difficult. Focusing on what and who is in your life is a blessing. Surround your family and home with true loved ones and of course take time to mourn the loss.
Much love and many good vibes
Julie, my heart aches and breaks for you. This is horrible news but so lucky you have an outlet and amazing, caring people in your life to help you through this increibly difficult time.
I got pregnant in early May and miscarried at 8 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage, so we were completely blindsided, and 5 weeks later my heart is still broken. I am so sorry for your losses, and I will be praying that a rainbow baby is just around the corner for you and your family. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. It gives me hope to know that I am not alone. <3
I’m thinking of you and your beautiful family. I lost a baby girl at 19 weeks gestation after having two perfectly healthy boys. I now have another son and a daughter. I didn’t think it would ever happen after that traumatic loss. But thank my lucky stars that I have my 3rd son. He wouldn’t be here had my baby girl lived. And ther’s no way we would have had a fourth (my girl). Keep on keeping on. Good things are ahead for you. I love your positive energy. Embrace your family and loving friends. Let them hold you up now while you’re mourning your loss. Sending you, Ryan, Chase and Sadie love.
I’m so sorry for you loss. You all are un my thoughts and prayers
Julie, sending so much love and so many *virtual* hugs your way. I’m so sorry that you, or anyone else, has to endure such pain. I respect you so much for being open about your struggles, as so many women are going through the same thing yet often feel very alone. Praying for a much smoother road for you from here on out.❤
Julie, I am sending you love, warm thoughts, and prayers. I wish you did not have to experience this loss. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family.
I’ve never left a comment before, but seeing this post compelled me to – you fill the internet with a lot of love and good energy — please know we are sending that love and good energy back to you.
Sending lots of love to you Julie.
I’m so sorry and sad for your loss.
Sending you so much love, I have a close friend who experienced 4 misscarriages before she had her two rainbow babies, I hope and pray you will not have to experience any more heartache and I send you so much love and my deepest sympathy. To share your life with us I can’t imagine how that must be when going through such a loss. Thank you for your honesty and hears to the healing road ahead xo
As soon as I read the title, my heart broke for you again. I am so so sorry. Saying a prayer for healing and peace!
I AM so so sorry Julie. I am a same day surgery nurse and help with many d&c procedures after miscarriage. God I wish there was something I could say or do to help. I just want to give you the biggest hug. My thoughts are with you
So sorry for your loss. I have also had 2 miscarriages, the 2nd one a “missed” miscarriage. I’m sending you love and hope that you can find peace.
Julie, I am so, so sorry to hear this. While I can’t sympathize with this particular pain, I am dealing with the pain of infertility. I just had blood work done and learned that my “uterine age” is that of someone in her mid-40s (I just turned 33). The doctor tells me I am very unlikely to conceive on my own, and that with numbers as low as mine, even IVF isn’t guaranteed. I am trying to process the fact that my egg supply is very near depletion and there is absolutely nothing that can be done to restore them. It is heartbreaking. Who knew that pregnancy was fraught with so much pain?
I am sorry for your loss. I has 3 miscarriages before i finally demanded a blood test to see if i had a clotting disorder, my dr said no, i changed doctors and sure enough i did have a clotting disorder a d i was able to get the correct treatment after that and i had 2 babies after that. You are in my prayers.
Julie, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Sending love, strength, and comfort to you. Keeping you and Ryan in my thoughts.
Oh Julie. My heart goes out to you and Ryan. I’m so sorry for your losses. Praying for a peace that passes all understanding. Xo
I’m so sorry. I had two miscarriages in a row, was told I’d miscarry again the third time, requested progesterone, and now have my second baby. A good friend who had been thru the same thing encouraged me by telling me that as hard and awful as it all is now, before I knew it I’d be up in the middle of the night w sore nipples again… it was true. I barely even remember the agonizing sadness anymore. You’ll get the sibling you want for Chase. This happened for myself and at least 2 other people I know well. Hang in there!!!
Julie, I am so so so sorry for your loss. I read your previous posts, and sobbed with you each time I read them, over and over after I suffered a miscarriage myself back in March. I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing the same pain, which I think can only be understood by someone who has gone through it as well. As you know all too well, and mentioned above, you will be okay and then you will not and then you will be okay again. It’s okay to be “not” okay for as long as you need to be. I hope for your sake that there are fewer of those moments… and I share in your hope that you (and selfishly I) will have a house full of children that will put this pain behind us. That said, I also think that there are these moments that make us human and also appreciate the many miracles that life will continue to offer. Big hugs to you and Ryan.
Sending love and hugs from Canada. I am so very sorry for your loss. Life is just not fair.
So sorry for your lost.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. 🙁 I pray that you find some comfort.
All the love,
Sara W
Julie and Ryan, I am so sorry for your loss 🙁 thank you for sharing your journey.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a bright light and I wish you peace, healing and many future blessings.
I am so sorry for the anguish and heartbreak you must feeling all the while having to continue getting up everyday and being the incredible mom it’s clear you are to your son. I’ve been there and the words you wrote are so filled with truth. When you said one day you will have that house filled with children it won’t hurt like this. It will all be worth it. It just sure as hec does NOT feel like it in the moment. Take care of your mind body and soul. And hang on to the true belief that when you hold on to the precious new baby you are destined to have come your way you will look down and be in disbelief by the journey you took to get there but you won’t regret it xo
My heart aches for you. Sending prayers and much love your way.
I’m so very sorry you have had to go through this twice, I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been. Lots of love to you and Ryan and Chase.