It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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I literally let out an audible “No!” when I read the title of this post. Sending out prayers for your family as you go through this a second time.
Oh Julie my heart broke for you as I read this post. I am so so sorry you and Ryan are experiencing this yet again. Praying for you all during this tough time.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your pain. I know the pain of miscarriage is so heartbreaking but your courage in sharing your pain helps so many. I read this article recently and thought it might help :http://www.scarymommy.com/melissa-rauch-pregnant-after-miscarriage-essay/
Wishing you and Ryan peace during this sad time.
I am so, so sorry to hear this but you’re right- this isn’t the end of your journey.
So sorry to hear of this sad news. Sending so many hugs and support in this challenging time.
Julie, I am so so sorry. I have followed your blogs for years without commenting but must tell you tonight I am praying for you. One of my dearest friends lost 3 precious babies Effie having her daughter, who was born with spina bifida, has defied all dr’s expectations and can run, walk, talk, and is actually advanced in almost all areas. They also just had their second baby. To see my dead friend go through those 3 losses was so hard, but nothing compared to what she of course went through. I am praying for His peace that passes all understanding!
Okay so spell check is not my friend tonight… that should read “before” their daughter was born. And “dear” friend, not dead. Goodness, I shoulda proofread before hitting submit! Haha
I’m so sorry, Julie and Ryan. This is a feeling I know all too well. I hope you can find comfort in knowing you are not alone. Your story isn’t over. Just keep reading. ❤️ From the mom of a double rainbow baby
I am so so so sorry for your loss. I know there’s nothing we can say to make it all better, but please know that we all care about you and are praying for you and your family during this difficult time.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. I have also been following your blog for years. You and your family are in my thoughts. I am not saying this is the reason you are having miscarriages but I have read many stories of people having successful pregnancies after miscarriage from doing the whole 30 program. Maybe look into it. I know you will one day have another beautiful and healthy baby.
Oh Julie! I am so sorry for you and your husbands sadne news! Your little babies are in the arms of Jesus! He will tell them that they will see their Mommy, Daddy and big brother when they get there! ??
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I’ve been there before, two miscarriages and two D&Cs, and understand how much it hurts. As a complete weirdo stranger reaching across the internet, please know that you aren’t alone and many virtual hugs.
You are amazingly strong to share your personal stories of loss. Praying for continued strength, support, and complete healing for you. I am so very sorry.
Dear Julie, It breaks my heart to hear what you are going thru right now . My prayers and thoughts are with you
And your family. I know God will Bless you and Ryan with another baby . Take care.
I am so sorry, Julie! I read this early this morning and immediately prayed for you and your family. Thank you for being so vulnerable and real in your journey with all of us. Your impact is huge, and I hope and pray you feel peace and comfort from all the prayers being offered up around you. We all love you and your sweet family!
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ll pray for you and your family.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for you. I haven’t been following you (sounds super creepy out loud) for awhile but a close friend of mine shared your news. Weird how we have never met but we have followed your journey long enough to send you love during this difficult time. Your story and your spirit has brought me to tears, but it has also, and more importantly, inspired me. I am inspired by your strength and courage, not only to share your pain but also your hopes for the future. I wish you and your family all of the best. I once saw a quote, “Grief is just love with no where to go”. Sending you lots of love (and virtual hugs). xo
I send you so much love!! We all have our paths. Live this one, it can lead you to great places, just keep your eyes on the prize. Know that you are not alone, and we all send our love and passion to you!
Julie, my heart breaks to hear that you and your family have had to endure yet another loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you! ❤️
Julie, I’m so truly sorry for your loss. I thought it might help to hear that after my big brother was born my mom also had two miscarriages, but then came me. 🙂 Sending you strength. Xoxo
My heart aches for you! Praying for your family!
Sending every ounce of love and comfort your way. I miscarried a few months ago as well. We’ll have our rainbow babies soon. Huge, virtual hugs to you <3
So very sad to read this post and my heart goes out to you and Ryan. Sending you all the love. Xx
Julie,
I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. After years of reading your blog, I felt like it had happened to a good friend of mine and I am absolutely heartbroken for you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers, but I only hope that there are many blessings for you in the future.
I’m so sorry to hear your devastating news. It’s truly heartbreaking. I’ve been struggling with infertility for 4.5 years and no rainbow baby yet… love and hugs
I am so sorry to read of your 2nd loss. Sending strength and prayers to you and your family in this difficult time.
Julie,
I am so sorry for your lose!
I have something special I would like to send you. May I please get your mailing address?
Julie – This is so sad to hear and there’s not anything to say that will take away your pain but I wanted to share this post with you that I read recently. I cried as much when I read this as when I read yours but hope that maybe it will be of some small comfort to you somehow. http://sheholdsdearly.com/miscarriage-and-holding-dearly/
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I’m so very sorry.
My heart goes out to you. You and your family are in my thoughts and my prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find peace during this very difficult time. You are in my prayers!
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. ?
So very sorry. This sort of loss never gets easier, but it is great to hear you and your family remain hopeful. <>
Julie,
I am so sorry to hear this. I have read your blog for a long time and you are one of my favorite bloggers for how real you are. I was so devastated to hear about your first miscarriage and now this one as well. I appreciate you sharing your stories so much. While I have not had a miscarriage, I have had my own struggles around conceiving and so this post really hits home. I am absolutely certain however that you will have another healthy baby very soon. Stay positive <3
Beautiful Julie. Reading this brought tears. I know that pain so well. I’m going to share this with you anyway. If it is insensitive in any way I profusely apologize. While I was reading what you wrote I got this image of both of your children in heaven playing together. I know that sounds strange and I have no idea what they would look like, almost twins I’m guessing but they knew each other. I hope it brings any kind of comfort, smile or joy. Anyway my heart goes out to you and my prayers go with it. Life is a journey full of surprises and sadness. My hope for you is that you do get your hearts to have a home full of children.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you all at this difficult time x
I am so sorry you are experiencing this again. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I haven’t had a miscarriage, but I lost my son at 12 months old after a chronic illness and so much hope that he would make it through. Grief is so difficult, but it can coexist with joy. Hang in there. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet third child.
Oh Debbie I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine experiencing that. Just reading your story bring tears to my eyes. I will pray for you and your family so God can heal your hearts and give you the joy you deserve! I don’t know you but I feel like I wanted to give you a big hug for being so brave that even with what you’ve experienced you still find strength to write and try to encourage others.
I am so sorry for your loss! Such sad news. I do understand what you are going through- I had an ectopic pregnancy and a few months after that was resolved, got pregnant again and had a missed miscarriage. It is so difficult, but ultimately, it made my husband and me a stronger unit. We now have a beautiful 8 month old son, but my early pregnancy was so stressful because of my history.
Oh Julie. <3
I am so sorry for your loss again. My mom had several miscarriages and ended up with 7 children. As hard as it may seem right now trust in Gods timing and his plans for you. God bless you, Ryan, and Chase. Will keep you all in my prayers for healing strength.
Julie – I am so very sorry for your loss. You are so brave to share your story – it helps immensely for those who have been through something similar. Please know that you have many praying for you and your family <3
Julie – thank you so much for sharing this. I know it was probably very very difficult to type this post and put yourself out there in this way.
I’m so sorry. No one should have to go through this! I know it’s little solace at this time, but many women do have more than one miscarriage and go on to have totally healthy babies. You can get pregnant easily, so I have no doubt you’ll have luck in the future. I’m glad your doctor is working with you to to rule anything out that could be causing it. I struggled to get pregnant for a very long time and had one miscarriage along the way and now I am almost 17 weeks and still have fears every day that the baby won’t make it. It’s a terrible thing to have to go through.
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you and Ryan are going through. You have such a positive attitude and I love your last few sentences – this is certainly not the end of your journey. Never lose faith in happy endings!
Julie,
I’ve read your blog for years and have always appreciated you inviting us all into your life.
I just left the doctor and learned I am having a miscarriage. I want you to know how helpful your openness has been regarding your experience with this. I don’t feel as alone, and your positivity reminds me how important it is to focus on my beautiful 1 year old daughter I have been blessed with.
So, thank you for inviting us into the hard parts too.
Kate, I am so, so sorry you are living this right now. It’s horrible and so painful. I hate that we know this pain together but I really appreciate your kind comment, especially during such a hard time for you. I’m sorry for the loss of your precious little one. <3 Sending you so much love.
Thank you for your strength and bravery in sharing this.
I’m so so sorry, Julie. Sending prayers and love your way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this again.
Miscarriage is incredibly painful, I’m so sorry 🙁 I have had one. I’m experiencing pain as well.. I’ve been unable to concieve for the past year and idk why. We have a healthy almost 2 year old that I had no problem concieving and it’s confusing. But will keep trying! I feel for you. I wish you healing and comfort and strength! Xo
Thank you for sharing you extremely personal experiences with all of us followers! Sending you love and light during your continued journey.
my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Praying for sunnier times ahead.