Morning
I opted out of my usual 5 a.m. wake-up yesterday morning in favor of sleeping in until 6 a.m. because I was up for HOURS reading on Monday night and then Ryder randomly woke up screaming for the first time in a long time and needed some middle-of-the-night soothing. Thankfully Ryder settled back down easily after I rocked with him but I was definitely more tired than usual after reading for so long before bed. I started reading The Banker’s Wife on Sunday night and flew through it in two days! It was just the kind of book I was looking for and had the perfect amount of mystery and suspense without terrifying me in the process. I’ll definitely share more thoughts on The Banker’s Wife in Friday’s blog post but if you’re looking for a quick, suspenseful read, I highly recommend it!
Once I was up for the day, I made myself a cup of coffee, grabbed the vegan protein overnight oats I prepped the night before and settled myself on the couch with my latest small group study. (For those who have asked, we’re doing this study but it’s currently all sold out! I hope they bring it back because it’s a good one and does a great job of helping me navigate and apply scripture to different areas of my life.) I then made my way into my home office to work until the boys were awake.
Ryder was up first yesterday and I nursed him in his room before setting him up with some toys in our bedroom while I got dressed. It didn’t take long for me to hear Chase calling my name from his room, so I scooped Ryder up and we all read some stories before I got the boys dressed. As I type out the last sentence, I realize this makes our morning sound seamless but morning story time is getting harder and harder now that Ryder is on the move and so grabby! Lately reading stories with Chase and Ryder looks a lot like me scooping Ryder up when he wants in and then setting him back down to play with toys before the cycle repeats itself over and over again. I love easing into the morning with a book or two with the boys and Chase really counts on it so I’m doing my best to go with the flow and make it work.
Eventually it was breakfast time for everyone and I quickly reheated some pancakes I had in my freezer stash from a large batch I made last week and served them with some fresh berries.
This week is a “camp week” meaning it’s one of the four weeks of the summer I have Chase signed up for camp so we didn’t have too much time to spare in the morning before we had to head out the door. The boys played for a bit together while I got Chase’s lunch ready and then we were off!
After Chase was settled at camp, I brought Ryder with me to Burn Boot Camp where I met up with some friends for a push/pull strength training workout.
After completing about a million push ups, the workout was done and I scooped Ryder up before driving home and settling him in his crib for his nap. Immediately after Ryder went down, our contractor, Mike, arrived to begin replacing our backsplash!
We were responsible for picking up all of his materials over the weekend and then he came by on Monday to begin taking out the old backsplash. What Mike thought would be a two-day project is turning out to be a lot more work than we anticipated. I’m so, so glad we hired Mike to help us because once he removed the old backsplash, he pointed out some seriously uneven gaps between our granite and the kitchen wall behind it and all of this requires a lot more work. Hopefully we’ll have a new backsplash up by the end of the week!
I talked with Mike as I made myself a post-workout smoothie (one of the plant based Daily Harvest protein smoothies — I just added coconut milk, cashew butter and frozen cauliflower) and then gave him some space as I worked in my office.
I got a jump start on my Father’s Day Gift Guide post for this year and plugged away until Ryder was up from his nap and ready for some playtime!
Afternoon
Eventually it was time for us to go get Chase, so we scooped him up before spending some time with friends at the playground. By the time I had everyone back home, we were all hungry, so I made snacks for the boys, settled them in their rooms for their afternoon naps and then reheated leftovers for lunch to eat as I worked.
My leftovers looked like a lemon pesto cauliflower rice dish with chopped green beans, regular white rice, chicken thighs and sundried tomatoes. (I loosely followed this recipe for the lemon pesto cauliflower rice on Monday night.)
As I heard Chase making noise on the monitor, I quickly logged off the computer and grabbed some 12-18 month baby clothes from the attic to go through since Ryder seems to get bigger every second.
Once Ryder was up, we hung out at home for the remainder of the afternoon and I’d love to say it was wonderful and lovely but some days around here are just plain tough and yesterday was one of them.
Now that Ryder is crawling and on the move, “brother battles” seem to happen around here all the time. They’re nothing horrific or long-lasting but they DO feel very constant and typically look like Chase taking a toy out of Ryder’s hand, being too physical, etc. Sometimes I feel like I’m telling Chase some variation of “be gentle / share with your brother / please don’t take a toy right out of Ryder’s hands when he’s playing with it” a billion times a day. I try hard to have Chase hear me “talk” to Ryder and correct him, too, even though he’s a baby so Chase doesn’t think he is the only one getting reprimanded all the time but, honestly, I’m struggling.
Chase is a truly fantastic big brother and loves Ryder so much and Ryder completely adores Chase but sometimes these “brother battles” drive me absolutely bananas. If you have been through this with your children before, what did you do? Any tips or tricks for getting older children to give the little ones some space/share their toys/be gentle? So far the thing that has worked the best for me is taking Chase aside and talking with him about his feelings and communicating with him one-on-one. He definitely responds best to me taking the time to acknowledge his feelings and brainstorming alternative ways to behave toward Ryder when he feels frustrated, upset, etc. but I’d love any insight you guys might be able to provide if you’ve been through this with your little ones. It can be incredibly frustrating and try my patience, that’s for sure!
In the midst of brother battles, we did have fun playing at home yesterday afternoon even if a decent amount of frustration was peppered in the mix. Bless the moments that Chase and Ryder crack each other up because they give me life! Phew!
Evening
As Chase and Ryder played together in the family room, I said goodbye to Mike as he left for the day and then got to work assembling a simple dinner for our crew.
Since our kitchen wasn’t exactly in the most usable condition thanks to the backsplash replacement, dinner looked like a whole lot of microwavable and canned foods thrown into a bowl. I chopped up some kale quinoa veggie burgers and paired them with my favorite ready-made combination of brown rice, spelt and lentils from Whole Foods and black beans. We dug in right as Ryan arrived home from work (Ryder in particular LOVED this dinner!) and then I put Ryder to bed before saying goodbye to Ryan and Chase and heading off to my small group. We meet every other Tuesday at a local coffee shop and it was so, so nice to have the chance to talk with my friends and also hear I’m far from alone in dealing with sibling-related frustrations.
I made it home around 9:30 p.m. and talked with Ryan for a bit before beginning a new book and reading until my eyes could no longer stay open.
And now I’m off to get this Wednesday started. I hope the rest of your week is a good one!
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For advice on kids and specific situations, check out the podcast Unruffled by Janet Lansbury… she’s awesome. She has 2 books as well.
If you’re looking for another father’s day gift idea, my hubby and I run an etsy shop making metal signs. We have a really cool metal coordinate sign I think dad’s would love 🙂
https://www.etsy.com/listing/646414979/steel-gps-coordinate-latitude-longitude
Yes, we are experiencing the “sister battles” around here, too. My older daughter always takes what her sister is playing with and says “but we need to share.” I try to always be firm with her since she is older and has no interest in the toy and only wants it because her sister has it. I offer suggestions of other toys to go get instead. (And she has lost privileges or an evening treat on more than one occasion) If by chance it’s the baby trying to get her sisters toy (rarely the case though!) I redirect her. Such fun 🙂
So exciting about the backsplash! I’m looking forward to seeing it completed. Over the past couple years, I’ve gotten into watching House Hunters and never know all the different ways to easily transform a kitchen!
Our situation is kind of reversed. My 2 year old takes stuff from my 8 year old all the time. My 8 year old was so excited to get a new toy dump truck yesterday and not even 2 hours later my 2 year old had broken one of its wheels. So I’m trying to explain to a 2 year old to be gentle, share, etc., and you could imagine how that’s going. They have lots of sweet moments, but man, I never dreamed my youngest would be the instigator.
I have to echo the advise of a previous commenter, anything by Janet Lansbury on the subject of siblings we have found so useful; if you haven’t found her yet, her style of respectful parenting seems right up your ally! She recommends a style called “sportscasting” between siblings when situations like you are describing occur. Also, anything by Faber/Mazlish, particularly Siblings without rivalry; even though your boys are young the general principles definitely apply. How to talk so little kids will listen is great too if you haven’t read it yet! Just a few books I’ve found super useful with my two kiddos, ages 5 years and 21 months. Love your blog and your boys are so sweet!
I have three kids who are 2 1/2 years apart and I remember the toy battles well. One thing that was sometimes effective was allowing the younger child to play with the toy for a set time. I would speak to the older child and set a timer and let them know the little one wouldn’t have the toy forever. Usually the excitement wore off for the younger child in a pretty short amount of time so then I’d have the older child bring over a different toy and the little one usually was quite willing to give up the “popular” toy in exchange for a “new” one. That works best when both children are really too young to be able to manage their emotions and actually “share.” Once they were older, I had more strict rules about taking things away from each other and there were consequences like a time out from that particular toy for a day or two if it persisted. When you’re dealing with babies, sometimes you have to get creative. ? Parenting requires so much flexibility, and constantly adapting to your kids abilities. I’m sure you do a great job!
Yes, all about those timers! Thank Jesus.
Oh my, story of my life right now. My boys are just turned 5 and 1.5 going on 2. They love each other to death, but they have “brother battles” the majority of the time and it drives me and my husband nuts. They both go to daycare and that time spent with children their own age goes much better.
I am trying to learn more about Conscious Discipline and their approach, which is what a parent counseling group in Raleigh (Project Enlightenment) advocates and uses. There is a book I’m reading now by Becky Bailey that is really good (Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline). Here is a YouTube/TedTalk video one of the counselors shared with me early on:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjVJV7G8x3s
Learning this approach has helped me a lot and one thing I’ve learned about all the “child rearing” books is that you need to do what feels right to you and for your family, because everyone (parents and kids) is different. This approach feels “right” to me and I have seen a lot of good results out of it. It has helped me frame my mindset from trying to eliminate the battles, to my job is to help coach them on how to get through them, because they will have battles for the rest of their life and they don’t have the tools yet to know how to get through them on their own. To tie into the video I pasted above, our job is to help them make connections so when they get into those lower brain states, they have a pathway to get to the higher brain state (problem solving) and can find solutions to their problems. It’s better to start teaching them now than when they are older and the battles are much more serious! I also listen to the “Unruffled” podcast someone else mentioned above for very relatable tips.
One thing we constantly battled when my youngest got mobile was the sharing of toys. Our counselor came up with a great idea, that when they both want to play with the same toy (which meant they were both entering meltdown mode, stealing toys from hands, pushing, etc), the older son got to pick between 3 choices:
– Take turns with the toy (I would set a timer)
– Offer a trade
– Make a different choice of something to play with
This took some coaching on my part, and I printed out the 3 options on a sheet of paper (in graphic form) and put it on the fridge. Whenever they started to melt down over a toy, I would get the sheet of paper and say to him essentially “which do you choose?”. That choice helped fill his power bucket and took him from an emotional state to the problem solving state. After a few weeks of this, my son would tell me his pick BEFORE the meltdown started, or if he wanted something my younger son had, he would automatically go get a toy to try to trade. This is just one example, but shows how I wasn’t going to get them to stop fighting over toys, but I could help them figure out how they can work through it. Problem now is the younger one is getting more opinionated and I’m not sure how to give them both a choice with this approach so we don’t use it as much, but the options are understood and we still use them frequently.
I also took a class at Project Enlightment on “mastering the minds of boys” and it was FASCINATING. I don’t know if the same material is covered in a book you can buy or anything, but it really explained how boys minds are literally wired differently, and how they mature differently than girls, and how that can affect how we can/should/do parent them.
I also use this timer app so they can see the timer in visual form:
https://www.timetimer.com/products/time-timer-ios-app
Best of luck! I am anxious to hear if you find any more tips or tricks that work for you guys!
Good old Daniel Tiger has a few episodes when he first gets a baby sister about sharing, trying to involve her even though it’s different, etc. 🙂
I don’t mean to sound like a sanctimommy, but we didn’t have sibling squabbles. I made it clear from day one that you get sib’s space and toys were to be respected. I made it non-negotiable with a very firm voice and clear consequences.
My kids are similar in age to yours but luckily my oldest hadn’t gotten too upset with her brother messing with her toys. Now that he is mobile, we’ve started putting her more fragile toys on our couch where she can play with them without worrying about her brother breaking them.
I’m not the best person to comment on brother battles as I’m only a cat mama. Maybe explain to Chase the age gap and Ryder’s too young to get the why’s just yet so it seems like Chase’s getting all of it. Once Ryder’s older then say you’ll Ryder’s case as much as Chase’s at the mo.
I think you’re doing great! It’s great Chase sees Ryder being told off too. Sometimes I felt like one cat was getting told off more than the other, but they’re different cats, different personalities! The other had his fair share equally but different of hey, stop it!
My friend has twin girls…she told me that she can buy them both the EXACT same toy and they will still fight over them!
My boys are five years apart (8 and 3) and constantly taking/wanting each other’s toys. It used to be easier to deal with… because I could encourage my older son to find a different toy for his brother (to catch his attention!) And make a trade. Or I would be able to say, “Brady will tire of that toy soon! As soon as he’s done with it, you can have a turn.”. But now my three year old wants to hang onto a toy for a looong time so I am excited to see the advice you get – I need it too!
I have a 4 y.o. and a 1 y.o. so I am familiar with those toy battles. I’ll echo the other folks who have recommended Janet Lansbury. Also, we’ve tried to emphasize to our 4 y.o. that he’s got choices so if he really wants to play with something alone, he can do it where his brother can’t reach (on a table, in another room). If he’s playing on the floor where everyone is hanging out together, his little brother might try and play too.
No good strategies. I have 2 kids almost the same as yours. 3 years 7 months and a 13 month old. Both boys. This is our daily struggle. Especially with the train table. If the little one knocks a train over (and I SWEAR by now it’s on purpose b/c he sees the reaction it gets from his older brother!), the older one is totally distraught. Even when engaging the younger one in another toy, he almost always immediately goes back to his brother! He just wants to be by him every minute! So cute, but can frustrate the heck out of the older one!
I’ve recently made two smaller tracks on the train table so both can play on their own. This obviously isn’t helping the “play WITH your brother” lesson I’d like to teach, but some days it’s survival mode!
On some days, asking the older one to teach him how to play and I’m there coaching him, feeding him pointers to share/give the little one a turn after you show him, and praise the heck out of it!
When a “good” brother play day happens…feels like they’re few and far between lately, but when they do I praise and praise and praise the older one SO SO SO much and he beams brightly and he knows just how proud of himself he should be.
Again, nothing ground breaking, but know I feel it here, with 2 boys so close in age!
3 kids, ages 6 (girl) 4 (girl) 2 (boy). The struggle is real. I’ve tried a million things, s “take turns” approach. The “timer” approach, the yelling at the top of my lungs approach. You name it, I tried it. With 3 of them all fighting at different times over different things, I’ve learned to just walk away. I look at whomever comes over to me crying at the moment and when they start with the “so and so took my xyz” I typically say back, well didn’t you take so and so’s toy earlier? And then I walk away. As long as they are punching and getting physical trying to get the toy back, I’ve learned the kids typically will learn to work it out over a couple of minutes. I’m not going to be there every single time they want something and they can’t have it, so I have to trust that they can figure out situations on their own sometimes too.
My boys (almost 4 and 2) do the same thing. Unless there are tears or hitting, I let them flesh it out themselves. Sounds lazy, but they have been battling since before the baby could walk. Ha! They truly do love each other and play well with each other, but unless it is super out of control, I want them to fight their own battles. It’s annoying to witness and drives me nuts, but just the way I handle it.
I can’t wait to see the kitchen backsplash finished! I am slowly gathering ideas for when we re-do ours!
I liked a lot of what Sarah B said about giving the older sibling choice. The power of choice is awesome, when all the choices are acceptable to you. We have two mobile boys almost 6, and 2. If the 2 year old had the toy first (or vise versa) we tell the 6 year old he has to find something else or he can offer a trade. If he accepts the trade, then great. If he doesn’t want to trade, then the older kid has to find something else. It mostly applies to the younger toys. The 6 year old has certain things that are his, that we draw a hard line that the two year old can’t play with. Then the terrible two tantrum ensues. Rest assured, this is a daily battle for us as well!
Yes, this is basically what we have evolved to as the younger one has gotten older. Unless they both go for the toy at the same time and then we can set a timer if they want, although one or the other usually loses interest after 1 round. I will put some of the older childs toys (that were specifically given to him or not age appropriate for the younger child) up higher so only he can get them down and will let him play with them on a table if he wants, but he rarely does. I am trying to work with him on remembering to put them back too otherwise little brother finds them! We also say that things that are in their rooms are theirs, and if they want to play without the other sibling bothering them, they can go in there, which they never want to do unless someone else goes with them. *sigh*
My boys are 7 months and 2… It has already started. LOL
And go figure on the back splash! It is always something when it comes to remodeling! And always more MONEY than you thought! Blah!
Regarding sibling “battles” – I think you’re overthinking it. I say that with care and kindness … the Washington Post has a live chat every other Wednesday on Parenting and this is the advice they gave me: at Ryder and Chase’s ages, it is normal and don’t intervene unless it’s truly out of control (dangerous, hitting, etc). My older one will be 3 in August and the younger one just turned 1 on May 25 so our kiddos are about the same age — I struggle with mom guilt over toys because the older one likes to take the little one’s toys but I also am trying to find peace that I don’t necessarily need to “police” their interactions all the time. Sometimes I turn a blind eye and – WHOA, I see sharing. Long and short: I’ve found the more I react to the behavior, the worse the behavior becomes. And yes, I do spend much of my time saying, “Why did you do that to your sister!” so you’re not alone 🙂
I’ve been following a blog called Calm Chaos. It talks a lot about child development and strategies to better communicate with your kids in a level they understand and in ways that you can start teaching new behaviors. I don’t think I’m explaining it that great but it’s helped me a ton with my almost two year old! And she recently had a post about sharing, and highlighted how to handle siblings not sharing in particular.
https://calmchaos.blog/2019/05/22/teaching-kids-to-share/
I have an (almost) 4 year old girl and an (almost) 16 month old boy, so I totally feel you on the constant refereeing that’s necessary. My daughter is super physical with her little bro (thank goodness he’s extremely sturdy) and for that I just try and give her constant reminders about being gentle… but a lot of it ai feel like it’s just impulse control When she sees him, she just wants to tackle him and SQUEEZE him! And everything else goes out the window. I mean, the girl loves aggressively…so no advice there, just empathy, LOL. As far as the toy sharing goes, something that’s worked for me, is to make my daughter feel like she has the tools to “outsmart” her little brother. Like basically if the little guy has a toy she wants, if she can be SNEAKY and get him to play with a different toy, or even just distract him, plain and simple…then she wins! I think it makes her feel like she’s getting away with something? And since this age is ALL about pushing the boundaries I think she gets a little thrill out of that. Also, I think she’s less likely to grab if she really sees me as her advocate, so if she’s done the work of “asking” “”Can I use that toy when you’re done?” (even though clearly he doesn’t understand her) after a bit of time, I will actually take the toy away from the little guy and give it to her. Sure, he’s pissed, but I can always find a way to distract him, and I feel like it makes her feel like I’m not just advocating for the little guy, I’m going to support her too.
Also, keep in mind, true “sharing” isn’t really developmentally appropriate at this age. I mean, we all try to make it work, but cognitively speaking, they’re really just not there yet, so when it all goes to pot (as it always does) don’t be hard on yourself or Chase! He’s just doing what’s he’s supposed to do!
Not a sibling battle, but my 3 year old tries my patience daily with taking turns, waiting, and especially with being told no. I try and remind myself how young she is and how immature her brain is when I get frustrated. I struggle with not having expectations that are out of line for a 3 year old. I am constantly reminding myself that logic and reason are monumental developments. My mom reminded me that when kids get jealous that they need to be reminded that there is enough love and attention to go around, not sure when kids can start to comprehend that though.
I read your description and as a teacher and one of seven kids myself I immediately had two thoughts: no-nonsense nurturing and PBIS (positive behavior incentive system). Often times kids misbehave for the attention–especially when it comes to sharing the attention of an adult! PBIS focuses on highlighting the positive behavior (Chase, that’s kind of you to share with Ryder–not “Great job Chase for sharing (sharing should be the norm, so praising doing what’s expected can actually lower the behavior expectations). When someone misbehaves, the person wronged received the most attention, while not ignoring the other (Chase, please give the toy back to Ryder. [Make sure Ryder is okay or play with Ryder to calm him]).
If it’s about attention and learning to share, Chase will learn over time that this behavior won’t give him what he wants, but that he will get attention for his positive behaviors. Hope this makes sense/helps. I strongly recommend researching PBIS and no-nonsense nurturing, which align well with the parenting type (authoritative) that has the best holistic outcomes for children.