Lunch was super simple, but that doesn’t mean it lacked flavor.
I made myself a roast beef wrap with cheese, hummus, spinach and mustard and served it with a sliced apple.
Now that the roast beef is out of the way, let’s get to the meat of this post. (Anyone catch that pun? Muhaha!)
Changing “Yes But” to “Yes And”
Back in November I had a a life changing conversation.
I don’t throw the term “life changing” around. As delicious as my all-time favorite hot fudge sundae from Houston’s is, it’s still not “life changing.”
But this conversation certainly was life changing for me.
Over Thanksgiving weekend, I was struggling with some personal stuff. I talked to Ryan and a few people who are close to me about what I was going through, but it wasn’t until I sat down and talked with my mother-in-law’s boyfriend, Les, that something clicked.
As I explained my struggles to Les, who coincidentally has a master’s degree in psychology, he asked me a lot of questions. He dug deep and made me answer the uncomfortable questions.
Eventually he said something that blew my mind.
“You need to change ‘yes but…’ to ‘yes and…’”
He pointed out that I had a reason or excuse for every single question he asked me.
For the sake of explanation, let’s use the example of a toxic relationship. One that tears you down and is draining. One that causes more tears than smiles.
In this situation, Les would say something like, “Do you want to break up with him?”
And I would reply, “Yes, but he makes me laugh and we have so much fun when he’s in a good mood.”
Not the right answer.
He encouraged me to change the “buts” to “ands” and be proactive. Make a change. Figure a way out.
Take two:
“Do you want to break up with him?”
“Yes, and I’m going to talk to him tonight and explain how he’s hurting me. I’m going to plan a weekend with my girlfriends so I’ll have a solid support system when we’re done talking. I’m going to remember all the pain he caused me and use that to allow me to stick with my decision and understand that I deserve better.”
It sounds so simple, but changing “yes but” to “yes and” completely altered the way I think. Berthold Gunster is the founder of this incredible philosophy.
When I’m faced with a difficult decision, a daunting task, hurtful words or a complicated situation, rather than talk myself out of why I’m hurt, upset or won’t succeed, I try to acknowledge these feelings and think about what I can do to work around them. How can I acknowledge the difficulty, learn from it, move on and come out on top? How can I be proactive?
Thinking about this in relation to my personal goals also helped me.
Let’s say you’ve always wanted to run a marathon, but when someone asks you if you’re planning on it, you reply, “Yes, but I’m not a natural runner and feel like I want to die after running only three miles, so it’s never going to happen!”
Change that “yes but” to a “yes and” and figure out how you can make it possible.
“Do you want to run a marathon?”
“Yes, and I know it’s going to be really hard, but I found an awesome training plan for beginners and will work up to running long distances at a smart and reasonable pace.”
It is so incredibly simple, but this one conversation really impacted me and I’ve been meaning to share it with you guys for quite some time.
I know we all struggle with insecurities, challenges and difficult situations. Sometimes it’s easier to accept defeat, but all too often that doesn’t do anything to make us feel better emotionally. We’re still hurting or feeling like a failure.
Having a game plan and taking the time to think about how and why I need to make a change or tackle a new challenge really made a big difference in my life and I hope that thinking in this way might appeal to even just one of you!
Changing “yes but” to “yes and” is so simple and so hard all at the same time.
“Yes but” is a “no” or an “I can’t.”
“Yes but” prevents things from happening. “Yes and” makes things happen.
Question of the Afternoon
- What is a recent “yes but” in your life? Can you think of a way to change it to “yes and”?
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Thank you for this, I really needed it!
THanks for sharing, great philosphy!
I think this is such a good way of thinking. I know I often find myself saying “yes but.” I would very much like to change that to “yes and.” It’s such a positive way to look at different situations. Thank you for posting this. 🙂
Very great post Julie. You got me thinking and I feel like I’m a “yes, but” person a lot of the time so it looks like I need to make more of a conscious effort to be a “yes,and” person. Definitely thought provoking :]
“yes and” is the first rule of improvisation…best way to be positive and keep things moving!
Oy, relationship issues are ROUGH! I know you are not talking about that, but we all struggle with things and hopefully you will figure your issues out as well!
yes, no worries the issues weren’t related to me and ryan at all. 🙂 and everything is a-okay now, literally because of that conversation and the way it changed my perspective.
Nice post! It really does come down to perspective…if you can’t change the situation, change your approach!
wow, i love this – what a simple yet effective way to become more decisive, take actions & begin to live and change for the better. thank you so much for sharing, this is very powerful!
I love this. I recognize I say “yes, but..:” all the time. It’s something I’ve struggled with and I really appreciate this post. It goes hand in hand with what I’ve been trying to tell myself for the past few months – say yes. experiment, and keep perspective.
Hi Julie –
Thank you for writing this post. I just had this conversation with my husband, and I felt like I was the only one who struggled with “yes. but…” and it felt so isolating.
It is so comforting to me to know that other people struggle with this as well. What a powerful post – thank you again!
Julia
you are definitely not alone. even when we know what we should do, it’s all too easy to talk ourselves out of why we can’t or why it would be too hard.
We covered this in assertive communication training at work. Not only is “yes, but” off putting to say to yourself, it’s not a great way to communicate with other people either. For example, “Yes, but I didn’t know it would upset you” should be “Yes, and I know you’re upset and won’t do it again.”
yes! les said the same thing… that changing “yes but” to “yes and” during personal arguments can also be very helpful because it acknowledges the other person’s concerns.
LOVE THIS. Need to use it in my own life with career hesitations…
agreed!
Claire, would you consider sharing a bit about the career hesitations you’re having? I followed along with your management rotation saga on your blog for a while and it was pretty evident you weren’t happy. When this new opportunity fell into your lap after all that time you spent saying how. ings were at your old career, the change seemed pretty ideal. It’s interesting to hear that you’re having hesitations at this job too. I’m dealing with some work related reservations of my own (granted I’m a lot less vocal about them than you are) so id be really interested to hear more of your perspective on this seemingly never ending quest for “the perfect career.”
Hey! I think the quest for the “perfect career” is always ongoing. I was recently presented with a new opportunity and was having to make decisions about which direction to go. I don’t know that I can discuss it quite yet, but I will likely post on it soon!
i nominate you to make a motivational poster thingie online and pin it for all of us to share and spread the knowledge 🙂
ha!”change ‘yes but’ to ‘yes and’ and be free!” 😀
Awesome! We moved into a new home about 6 months ago and I’m struggling to get it organized and I feel like it’ll never happen! I’m changing my “buts” to “ands” and tackling one room, one task at a time! 🙂 Thanks for the words of wisdom!
This is wonderful. I will definitely use this with motivational interviewing and dietary counseling.
I need this as I have fallen off the workout train and need to get back on now!
Are you going to the gym today?
The past week – Yes I want to but I am tired.
Today i am Changing my response to- yes and I am going to go because I will feel great after!
Thanks Julie!
Wow, this is totally in context in regards to what happened last night in our household. We were installing our last very large 200lb window. Branko said to me that we can do this together and I was hesitant as usual. Making the point of “yes but if I’m not strong enough I will drop the window and $500 goes down the drain. He quickly re-countered with a supportive “yes” you are strong enough you can do this and just think about how beautiful the window is going to look and how good you are going to feel when it’s done. He was right and the new windows are stunning….Thanks again for another great post. I will definitely be using this “Yes and…” theory for the rest of our home renovation adventure.
This is something I’ve worked on quite a bit this past year. Last year was a very, very negative time for me. I was overwhelmed with everything that was going wrong professionally and personally, and it was starting to affect not only my own well-being, but my relationships with the people I care about as well.
As of last summer, I vowed to stop the negative thinking as much as possible. My mantra hasn’t been the “Yes, and…” variety, but it’s close. Every time something seems impossible or scary or just plain annoying, I ask myself “Will this matter tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?” It’s been a great strategy that’s helped me focus on the things that really, truly matter—-and has given me a better perspective on pretty much everything in my life.
Thanks for sharing this!
1) your lunch looks amazing, I want it now!!! simple is best and 2) I’m bookmarking this, i NEED to think like that, I’m always doubting myself!
Jul, I know you love writing about health and fitness…but you were made to write posts like these! So inspiring 🙂 I feel like we had this convo when you came to visit…you asked me how I liked my job and at first I said, “yes, but I don’t make a ton of money…” and then it dawned on me that there are so many other reasons why I love it here and changed gears and said, “yes, and I absolutely love my co-workers” and we talked about how important that is in your workplace. Thanks for this post sista! XOXO!!!!
thanks so much, minda!! 🙂
This is really great! I feel like certain situations always leave me saying “yes, but” and I’m in the process of alleviating that situation. It’s definitely not easy but hopefully it’ll be worth it in the end!
I find myself negating compliments with “yea buts” all the time. My husband will say “You look great in your new swim suit!” And I will say “yea, but not as good as XXXX looks in hers.” Or someone will say “Wow! I can’t believe how fast you ran that 5k!” And I will say “yea, but there are a million people who can run faster than me.”
That is a bit eye opening…. thanks Julie!
A friend of mine texted me when I was having a rough day and said, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. You can’t control what life throws your way, but you can control your attitude and the way you view each and every situation. I love this post because it falls along the same lines. Instead of being miserable because “life” isn’t going your way, think about how each curveball can shape you into a better person. Think about how, with the right attitude, you can turn something negative into a positive. It’s all about perspective.
I actually just used the “yes and” situation right now. I have personal training tonight and although I love going, today I just didn’t feel up to it. But instead of saying “yes I want to go, BUT I don’t feel like it” I mentally changed it to “yes I want to go and even though I’m tired, I’m going to work as hard as I can and by the end of the workout feel GREAT!” 🙂
Thanks for posting this and I’m glad to hear things have gotten better. You can’t control what others do, you can only control how you react to it 🙂
This is a post I will think about for a long time. I put “Yes, and” on a post-it.
Life changing indeed!!!!! I’ve heard about the changing ‘but’ to ‘and’ thing before, but it didn’t hit home as hard as this time. There is definitely a situation in my life that I can apply this to. The whole ‘yes but’ just gives us reasons to make excuses, but the ‘yes and’ approach actually forces you to come up with a solution. You’ve just given me tons to think about Julie! 🙂
So you’re running a marathon? That’ll be fun!
I’m terrible at the yes-but with running. I’ve got an inferiority complex about being slow, and I’m trying to get over it (mentally, yes, but also physically by getting faster!) The “yes – and” technique is difficult for me, since I always feel the need to quantify it with “yes I’m a runner, BUT I’m terribly slow!” I just want to talk to friends who are interested in my running without feeling the need to “apologize” for my pace!
No, no I’m not running a marathon. 🙂 That was just an example. 🙂
Haha, touche. It would’ve been fun to follow along with your marathon training though!
I thought this meant you were running a marathon as well! I struggle with yes buts all the time.. def. something I need to work on..
Damn! I was going to ask that too 🙂
I do the same thing with my running, Faith! People ask, “So…do you run, too (my boyfriend is a running rockstar)?” My response, “Yes but I’m really slow.” or Yes but I’m not very good at it.” New response as of today, “Yes and I love it!” That sounds like a good mantra 🙂
ahhh thanks for the reminder Julie! I think it’s just how God would want it to be for us….instead of surrendering only half way, just surrendering it all at once. 🙂 A/nd I’m so glad you’re doing better and that you had someone to lean upon during those times!
ps: my yes but should turn to yes and in regards to my education and job.
I’ve been reading your blog for about a year and a half now and this by far has probably been your best post! Thank you for sharing!
Wow Julie thank you so much for this post, by far one ofmy favorite ones! This really resonates with me and will be on my mind for quite awhile. I definitely will be attempting to change my approach from saying “Yes but” to “Yes and” from now on! Thank you!
Thanks for this post! I think about this whole “yes-but” idea A LOT when it comes to my kids. I never want to say to them, “I love you BUT it makes me upset when you kick your sister”. I try to change that BUT to AND by saying “I love you and it makes me upset when you kick your sister”.
I just passed my personal training exam and I’m now certified to pursue my goals AND in order to do that I have to get waaaay out of my comfort zone, develop a resume (after 14 years of teaching), and apply for jobs! Not easy, but with the right mindset I have to believe that it CAN and WILL happen!
love it
love this! thanks for sharing 🙂
Totally what I needed to read right now! Great post!
This is a great way to change our thinking. I make excuses, as I’m sure everyone does. We need more ‘yes and’s in our lives!
Thanks for sharing this. It’s a great way to reframe your thinking and I have a feeling I could find a few places in my life to apply it!
What an excellent post. Thank you for the reminder that sometimes we need to change the way we think in order to get to where we want to be. This is such a great exercise for getting through tough situations. thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for posting this. I actually was having a similar convo with my trainer this morning so it was crazy to read your post about it! I am very much a yes, but person & very much want to change it.
I am also happy to hear whatever you were struggling with is ok now. I know I don’t technically know you, but having read your blog for awhile now, I feel like you are like a friend. So I was sad things weren’t all sunshine, rainbows & baby Sadies for you.
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing this!
thank you for caring, cristin! and i’m so glad your conversation with your trainer addressed this topic! it really affected the way i think.
What a great way to think! I’m facing two “yes, but” situations right now. The first involves changing the diet of my family by phasing out processed foods and incorporating more whole foods or different foods, such as grass-fed chicken and the like. My “yes, but” is: “Yes, I want to change the diets of my family, but it is more expensive and we’ve been living on Hamburger Helper for years so it’ll never happen.” 😉 Now, I will say, “Yes…and we will work it out with our budget and change it little by little”. My other one is with my home and 3 little ones running and crawling around: “Yes, I want my home to be more organized and tidier, but the kids make it hard to do.” I’ll change this to: “Yes…and I’ll tackle the housework in baby steps and finally realize that with 3 little kids, no one expects me to have a picture perfect house!” 🙂
love this comment! you’re awesome, kelly! what you’re doing for your family is so wonderful.
thanks, julie! i really appreciate you saying that. love your blog!!
Very well said, thank you for sharing this Julie!
What a great post! I think I kept saying “yes, but” when I was thinking about changing career paths and applying for grad school to pursue an MPH. There were so many complications and reasons holding me back. Finally, I made a decision to just do it and stop making excuses. I start school in the fall!
Hi Julie
This really made me think about how I react to things and how you can easily limit yourself without even thinking about it.
I just recently found your blog and I love reading it! You have so many good recipes that I want to try. I LOVE your banana vanilla pancake recipe;-)
Although, with all the post about bugs, gators and spiders I think Im too scared to every visit Florida.Ha ha
I live in Copenhagen, Denmark and here we’re not used to that many gators or mutan bugs 😉
lol – i promise, it’s just ocala! 🙂 we live near the ocala national forest, so the wildlife is pretty intense over here!
What a great post! Saying “yes, but” is probably the easier way out of things but I am definitely going to catch myself and will try not to use it anymore.
PS: the sandwich looks yummy! All lunch meats look exceptionally yummy to a pregnant person. Sigh!
I love this post, it’s amazing how the substitution of one word can totally change your perspective and direction! You always have such interesting content, Julie 🙂
This is very encouraging!!!! Thank you 🙂 I’ve been struggling with a lot of self doubt and making excuses for why I’m not going after what I really want. I definitely needed to read this!!!! Thanks Julie!
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST!!!!!
Do you hate your job and want to quit? Yes, BUT it pays really well and I have good benefits.
Do you hate your job and want to quit? Yes, AND I want to do something that is more fulfilling and pushes me towards my goal of a healthy happy life, even if I have to make a few compromises along the way in regards to money.
go get ’em!!! 😀
julie – there is a really incredible book called “the Art of possibility” written by Benjamin Zander. Its absolutely fantastic. It talks about this and 9 other tenets that really makes you look at things differently. I had the opportunity to see him as a motivational speaker and it really was moving. I bought his book and the audio tape of the book. Highly recommend them to you.
oh awesome! i will definitely look for it! thanks for the recommendation, sabina.
Such good advice! that makes you think of things much differently!
I stumbled upon this theory just this week somewhere else in the bloggersphere. And now you are giving me a second reminder. It’s like the universe is reminding me I need this switch in my own dialogue. Thanks so much for the extra reminder!
This seemed to happen when I was thinking about going back to get my masters.
Do you want to go back to school for your Masters in Social Work? Yes but it is a lot of work and I work fulltime and don’t have enough time to do it all.
Do you want to go back to school for your Masters in Social Work? Yes and I will go back to school Part Time and work around my full time work schedule and if I have to work part time. It will be a battle but nothing I can’t overcome!
Awesome post Julie! Thank you so much! I’ll definitely use this for other things in my life 🙂
I love it!! Psychology is such a neat field–I’ve learned a lot in recent weeks from a few Psychologists. And this just adds to it.
I think the philosophy also helps us get outside our comfort zones and GO for things, instead of complaining. It also helps us to think and act positively, which in turn creates positive change. So I love the SIMPLICITY of it. Thank YOU!
Something recent was just signing up for my Half Ironman… I am a bit nervous about the biking section, so I had a whole lot of “buts”….and now they are “ands”!! 🙂