Lunch was super simple, but that doesn’t mean it lacked flavor.
I made myself a roast beef wrap with cheese, hummus, spinach and mustard and served it with a sliced apple.
Now that the roast beef is out of the way, let’s get to the meat of this post. (Anyone catch that pun? Muhaha!)
Changing “Yes But” to “Yes And”
Back in November I had a a life changing conversation.
I don’t throw the term “life changing” around. As delicious as my all-time favorite hot fudge sundae from Houston’s is, it’s still not “life changing.”
But this conversation certainly was life changing for me.
Over Thanksgiving weekend, I was struggling with some personal stuff. I talked to Ryan and a few people who are close to me about what I was going through, but it wasn’t until I sat down and talked with my mother-in-law’s boyfriend, Les, that something clicked.
As I explained my struggles to Les, who coincidentally has a master’s degree in psychology, he asked me a lot of questions. He dug deep and made me answer the uncomfortable questions.
Eventually he said something that blew my mind.
“You need to change ‘yes but…’ to ‘yes and…’”
He pointed out that I had a reason or excuse for every single question he asked me.
For the sake of explanation, let’s use the example of a toxic relationship. One that tears you down and is draining. One that causes more tears than smiles.
In this situation, Les would say something like, “Do you want to break up with him?”
And I would reply, “Yes, but he makes me laugh and we have so much fun when he’s in a good mood.”
Not the right answer.
He encouraged me to change the “buts” to “ands” and be proactive. Make a change. Figure a way out.
Take two:
“Do you want to break up with him?”
“Yes, and I’m going to talk to him tonight and explain how he’s hurting me. I’m going to plan a weekend with my girlfriends so I’ll have a solid support system when we’re done talking. I’m going to remember all the pain he caused me and use that to allow me to stick with my decision and understand that I deserve better.”
It sounds so simple, but changing “yes but” to “yes and” completely altered the way I think. Berthold Gunster is the founder of this incredible philosophy.
When I’m faced with a difficult decision, a daunting task, hurtful words or a complicated situation, rather than talk myself out of why I’m hurt, upset or won’t succeed, I try to acknowledge these feelings and think about what I can do to work around them. How can I acknowledge the difficulty, learn from it, move on and come out on top? How can I be proactive?
Thinking about this in relation to my personal goals also helped me.
Let’s say you’ve always wanted to run a marathon, but when someone asks you if you’re planning on it, you reply, “Yes, but I’m not a natural runner and feel like I want to die after running only three miles, so it’s never going to happen!”
Change that “yes but” to a “yes and” and figure out how you can make it possible.
“Do you want to run a marathon?”
“Yes, and I know it’s going to be really hard, but I found an awesome training plan for beginners and will work up to running long distances at a smart and reasonable pace.”
It is so incredibly simple, but this one conversation really impacted me and I’ve been meaning to share it with you guys for quite some time.
I know we all struggle with insecurities, challenges and difficult situations. Sometimes it’s easier to accept defeat, but all too often that doesn’t do anything to make us feel better emotionally. We’re still hurting or feeling like a failure.
Having a game plan and taking the time to think about how and why I need to make a change or tackle a new challenge really made a big difference in my life and I hope that thinking in this way might appeal to even just one of you!
Changing “yes but” to “yes and” is so simple and so hard all at the same time.
“Yes but” is a “no” or an “I can’t.”
“Yes but” prevents things from happening. “Yes and” makes things happen.
Question of the Afternoon
- What is a recent “yes but” in your life? Can you think of a way to change it to “yes and”?
![\"Quantcast\"/](\"//pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-1e3-7hOJ_U8Bg.gif\")
Great post Julie! Thank you for this. I have been doing a TON of “yes, but” when talking about my hopes to run a half marathon. I will definitely start trying to “yes and” when I start thinking about how training might be a bit difficult. Thanks!
Really brilliant post. Hopefully it will change my life too! Yes but…I can’t just leave my job and go back to university…. Yes and I’m going to find a way of obtaining the qualification part time. Love this!!!
Great reminder & you can TOTALLY do a marathon , go for it!
Really glad I read this. It goes right along with Soul Detox and Negative thoughts for this weeks lessons. I always say “yes, but” and I am ready to make the change to “and”. I like that “and” is almost like an action item your holding yourself accountable for.
It’s great how a simple conversation can change us. I actually just posted about how I became “yes” person in general. Such a simple word but using it changed my life.
Great post and great point made!
Thanks for sharing Julie 🙂
Got it!
“Would you like to eat some brownes?”
“Yes AND I’d like some ice cream too.”
perfection!
Yes AND some peanut butter to smear on the brownies!”?
Great post Julie. I attended a team building conference for nursing once and the motivational speaker said ” when you use the word But it negates everything you just said before that” . So true if you think about it. I never forgot that and it rang a bell for me when I read your post today. Have a lovely day. Mary
yes! totally agree.
Do you miss Julie? Yes, and I plan to rendevous at in some small town between Orlando and Ocala for dinner in the next month 😉 Love ya JEBFPBF.
haha, the PERFECT application. 🙂 miss you, too! already excited for your bday!!!
YES! This is awesome. Coming off of a hard conversation that I just had with my boyfriend regarding being a more positive person, this post is EXACTLY what I needed to read today.
Thanks!
Love this 🙂 Some of the best advice I’ve gotten over the past few years is that “you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.” It was kind of similar advice in the situation. I continued to answer peoples’ questions about my career change as if I needed to defend my situation. The advice I got made me realize that I should be proud of my decision!
Julie,
I can totally see why this conversation would be life changing. Less really knows what he’s talking about. Replacing the but with an and sets us up on the right path immediately. Coming up with an “and” obviously could be much harder and even scarier but what an affective way to conquer a problem. Big or small! I think if I gave myself an “and” option it would keep me on track and I’d almost feel guilty falling back to my “but” excuse!
So smart.
I hope to put this into use for my day to day struggles! Thanks for sharing this
This is a really interesting post! I think i’ll try the “yes and” to see for a change!
Great topic 🙂 I learned this about a year ago and I have made some amazing life steps because of it.
I completely agree with you, in fact the more I grow up the more I realize that life is all about how you look at it. Your attitude completely affects your happiness. Either you look at the positive or you focus on the negative, wont change facts but will definitely affect your happiness 🙂
Thanks for sharing this Julie, sometimes it really makes a difference in how we phrase out wording. Look how simple those changes in words are, but how much more freedom and acceptance you get out of the change. I hope everything is okay over on your end!
This is my favorite post I think I’ve ever read on your blog. Amazing. Thanks so much for sharing. I have been struggling with a “yes, but” lately & strangely enough last night I changed it to a “yes, and”! It has already made a difference. 🙂 Great post, Julie.
I loved this post! I just graduated college on May 6th with a B.A. in Elementary Education. I’ve been applying for teaching positions like a mad woman, but have only had one unsuccessful interview. It’s so hard to find jobs right now. I’ve been trying to remind myself each day to stay positive and be thankful for the opportunities and important things I do have. Eventually, the right job is going to come along and things will fall into place.
Great post on changing your mindset and being positive!
Today has been a really great day for blog reading, you and SR have both had some great through provoking posts today, thank you 🙂 This can apply to a lot of things currently going on in my life. One thing was when I wanted to start running I would always say “I want to run yes, BUT I don’t have any time” I turned it into “I want to run yes, AND I will wake up at 5:30 so that I have the time to do something I really want to do.” Thank you for putting it in a way that makes sense and in a way that we can start changing our way of thinking.
Lovely post! Thank you!
Very interesting post…I’m going to try to keep this in the back of my mind to see if I do it!
Wow what an amazing and inspirational post! This philosophy is something i really want to work on for myself! Thanks for the great advice!
Wow. I never thought of it that way. It really makes you think about how many times in a given day you may have given excuse not to do something or talked yourself out of doing something.
I find that I have a ‘Yes, and’ attitude when helping or talking to others. But, when participating in an internal conflict with myself, I have more of ‘yes, but’ attitude. If that makes sense…
That’s a great outlook! The power of positive thinking is amazing.
This post hit right at home with me! Recently I have been struggling with some personal issues as well. A recent yes but in my life is wether or not I am confident enough in getting to this amazing Study Abroad internship at the European Union. I am changing it to yes and I am going to get in! Very inspirational post 🙂
Love this! This is exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you for sharing this.
This is kinda brilliant! It changes the perspective completely.
Thank you so much for this enlightenment! And it’s great to hear that it helped your situation. 🙂
K
THis is such a good point, Julie. I complain about how difficult it’s going to be to go back to school and the manfriend says “okay, and you can do that.” Basically, I’m just making excuses for how hard it is even though I know it’s something I really want. Ridiculous to put off what I know I want to do.
I never thought about yes but before, but you’re right, it creeps up all the time! What a great post!
Currently, I’m going through a very scary transition at work. I’ve just been promoted to be by far the youngest Sr. Manager at my organization. My responsibilities increased ten-fold overnight. When people congratulate me, they ask me, “Are you excited?” and so often I respond with a “Yes, but it’s going to be incredibly tough to run a successful campaign.” I need to work on changing it to, “Yes, and I’m so pleased to have this amazing opportunity. It’s going to be hard work and here’s how I’m going to do it…”
Thanks for the strong words and great tips!
I love this!! I need to make this change too….I’ve been very “yes, but” through some things I’ve been struggling with and changing to “yes and” will make all the difference. Thank you!
What an interesting concept. No more excuses!
Yes, this post changed my life. I’m a big butt-er 😉
This is such as great thing to remember. I feel like I’ve taken control of my life this spring by quitting my desk job and signing up for my first half marathon. I know everything’s not going to be easy, but I can do it!
Thank you so much for sharing, Julie. This is a pretty personal, but important, topic. It has definitely but a lot on my brain.
Just recently I have changed my “yes, but” to “yes, and” in regards to CrossFit. “Yes, but it’s expensive,” “Yes, but I’m vegan.” Has turned into “Yes, and this is something I really want so I’ll have to balance my budget better.” and “Yes, and I will show everyone in the gym that I don’t need meat!”
Also, I’ve been reading about self-efficacy all day at work today. Weird timing.
HAHA, I meant to say “put a lot.” Funny stuff.
Thank you, Julie. I agree with so many of your other readers — I needed to hear this today!
Graduating from college, moving into my first apartment and starting a new job… all of these events (all happening within 2 weeks!) have left me answering many a “Are you excited?” type questions with many “Yes, but” answers. However, I’m going to resolve to change!!
Thank you! =)
Thank You for posting this Julie!! It was really nice to read and realize i need to change my yes but to yes and!! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this. I admire your attitude.
You have such a great attitude and I love how you share it with all of you readers! I am definitely more of a Yes But-ter, and I really need to change that. This is a great philosophy and I hope I can use it in the future. Thanks for the insight, I love little things like this that can make a big difference!
Two little words, big life difference…
Phenomenal post, Julie. I’ve been reading for over a year now, and I think this is one of the best ones I’ve seen so far (which, of course, is not to say that your other posts aren’t fantastic as well! I wouldn’t keep reading if I didn’t like what you had to say!).
I don’t only think that this is a great way to approach life, but I think it really speaks to you that you’d be willing to adopt this kind of mentality. The toxic relationship example really struck a chord with me. I have a friend who’s in a very toxic relationship (really, to say she’s “in it” is putting it mildly: she’s marrying the douchebag this weekend) and even though those of us in our friend group have been very clear to her in telling her that her fiance is emotionally abusive, she’s always willing to make “yes, but” excuses for him. I think that’s the route most of us would be more apt to take, so I really think it says a lot about you that you’d be willing to overcome that kind of outlook. You go, girl 🙂
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/30/ashley-holton-masturbating-florida-highway_n_1557587.html?ref=topbar
You’ve probably already see this but when I saw Ocala this made me think of your blog.. eeek.
i’ve never heard this, but it’s great!
Judging by the amount of comments you’ve received, there were many affected positively by your words. So simple and so powerful.
Thanks for bringing attention to this and I for one will be more cognizant of the “but’s” I use in my daily life.
This was an eye-opening post. Very good thoughts! There are always reasons not to do something–especially something that’s hard–and your encouragement to all of us to focus on how to circumvent those obstacles will certainly help the lives of many people.
great post – i will def start using this concept. such a simple change but one that makes a big impact.
This is actually something a friend of mine pointed out to me quite some time ago. But they brought it up in the terms of “you did a great job with this but next time…” which completely takes away any compliment you already gave.
I’m going to grad school right now and one of favorite professors of all time gave an amazing lecture on this one night. This post was another great reminder. I need to hang a “yes and” sign on my door or somewhere so I am reminded everyday of this little life changer!
Also, saw this dress and thought of you: http://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=46838&vid=1&pid=221782
Great post. This really resonated with me (timing couldn’t have been better)– seems like it resonated well with a lot of other readers too. Maybe self help writer is your calling? 🙂
I really needed to hear (read) this. I’ve been going through some personal things, too, and I constantly find myself saying “yes, but.” I hope that every thing is okay with you!!