Since today was one of the every other Fridays that Ryan has off from work, he met me at my office for a mid-day date!
Date!
I talked him into checking out Ritazza, a café located downtown that serves everything from sandwiches to soup to salads to Mexican food! (I’ve been there a few times and love their salad bar.)
I ordered a salad topped with lots of veggies and balsamic vinaigrette dressing, but Ryan said he couldn’t get Jimmy John’s out of his head (not that I blame him).
I toted my salad to Jimmy John’s so Ryan could order his favorite sandwich.
Salad To Go!
Salad Time!
I ate my whole salad and had a few bits of Ryan’s club.
After we were done with our main meal, we walked to Starbucks for some beverages.
Though I really wanted a Frappuccino, I cannot help but classify that drink as a “sweet” and since I gave those up for Lent, I opted for an iced mint green tea instead.
Green Tea Fo' Me
I slurped it down in no time! Ryan and I laughed when he was finishing up his Frappuccino and got to the bottom where only the whipped cream remained. That’s when I usually swoop in a eat it all.
It was hard to watch him eat “my bites.” He literally opened up the cup to dump the remaining whipped cream into his mouth which I told him was all wrong. You have to slowly scoop it out with a straw so it lasts longer and you can really enjoy it! C’mon!
All in all, it was a great lil’ lunch! I love hot dates in the middle of the day.
And now onto some serious talk.
The other day a wonderful reader asked me to discuss how I handle comparing myself with other women. I think it’s something we all struggle with and her inquiry inspired me to write up this post…
The Comparison Trap
As a woman, it is so, so hard not to compare ourselves with other women. With friends, family members, coworkers, the teeny girl in spandex at the gym. Amazingly talented and incredibly beautiful women are everywhere.
But guess what? You’re one of them.
A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to the Sunday service at our church. Our pastor said something that resonated with me and I found it very applicable to women everywhere.
“When we romanticize the situations of others, we will never be satisfied with what we have.”
That quote is one of the reasons I wrote the “We’re Not Perfect” post about me and Ryan.
As a woman who is fully immersed in the world of blogging, I read blogs and have found myself romanticizing the situations of others many times. I’ve caught myself believing that certain bloggers lead perfect lives. They can run marathons. They have a perfect marriage. They have an amazing job. Their house is always spotless. They eat healthy, veggie-packed meals without lapse.
The thing about blogging is that you only see what people put out there for you to see. The same is true with people in your day-to-day life. You only know what they tell you about their lives, marriages, jobs and successes.
If all you ever read and all you ever hear is how wonderful things are for those around you, you may struggle with comparing your life to theirs. You may feel resentful, inadequate and unfulfilled.
Here’s the thing: Their lives aren’t perfect either.
You only think they are because you’re romanticizing their situation. Sure, they may be completely happy. They may have a wonderful and supportive husband. But they may also have a lot of debt that they’re struggling to pay off. They may have a family member battling cancer. You just don’t know.
Aside from simply envying the lives of others, it’s so easy to feel jealousy over the appearance of others. How many times have you left the house feeling confident only to have a girl walk by you on the street who made you feel like an instant troll?
Trolls Aren't So Bad!
Avoiding the comparison trap is a challenge. It’s a battle so many women struggle with every day. I wish my hair was as thick as hers. If only I lost some weight, I might look as amazing as she does in those jeans.
Well, you’re not her. You’re you. But that’s amazing.
Maybe she is lusting after your amazing smile. Maybe she would love to have your bubbly personality or your drive in the workplace.
I 100 percent admit that I struggle with the comparison trap. I might feel perfectly okay about myself as I head out on a date with Ryan. Then this freakin’ beautiful girl and her boyfriend walk into the restaurant and sit near us and I feel instantly self conscious. Why? I’m pretty cool, too! Why do I suddenly feel insecure?
So how do we overcome this? How do we feel okay with just being ourselves?
Know this: Being you is pretty darn fantastic.
I try to remind myself that comparing my looks, intelligence, job, successes, failures and love life to others doesn’t change anything. If I am feeling insecure about one aspect of my life, it is up to me to change it. Additionally, if my insecurities are completely unfounded, it is up to me to work on me and my love for myself. It is up to me to try to remember that I am my own person. I will never be someone else, which is a very, very good thing.
Questions of the Afternoon
- Do you struggle with the comparison trap?
- How do you try to overcome it?
Of Possible Interest
- I’m really excited to share that a recipe from PBF is featured on Women’s Health Magazine’s homepage today! To check it out, simply click here. Woo!
- Benefits of Mixing Up Your Workouts (FitSugar.com)
- Forget the Treadmill. Get a Dog. (NYTimes.com, featuring a picture of a vizsla like Sadie!)
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Great post about comparing yourself to others 🙂 I think you’re right about the fact that everyone struggles with it – if I find myself getting self-conscious because of someone else, I try to remember that I’m awesome the way I am and I’m sure lots of people would say the same thing. Beauty or having a great personality doesn’t fit into a specific mold, there’s a whole bunch of types!
Also, I know that you gave up sweets for lent, but I was wodnering if Ryan gave up anything too? 🙂
he added 20 min. of cardio to his workouts for lent! 🙂
I love this post!! I think it’s important to remember that ever blogger only presents a PART of themselves on their blogs. And I don’t necessarily think that people are trying to paint an idealized picture of themselves, but it just happens naturally because it’s always harder to talk about the bad stuff!! Whenever I read a post and think about how perfect someone’s life is, I remind myself that my life is pretty damn charmed, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t struggles- I just don’t post about them.
And as far as comparing myself to other women, I’ve learned to just focus on what I DO like about myself, instead of what I don’t. There will always be room for physical improvement: I could have bigger boobs, a flatter tummy, or a smaller nose. But I could also be a more patient daughter, a more loving friend, and a more faithful person. Which is more worth my time? The answer is obvious. I’m not going to say that looks don’t matter to me, but the older I get the more I realize that at the end of the day being a good person matters 100000x more than how I look in a bikini. As cliched as that sounds!!
gabriela, i loved this: “I could have bigger boobs, a flatter tummy, or a smaller nose. But I could also be a more patient daughter, a more loving friend, and a more faithful person. Which is more worth my time?”
and i agree 100%! well said!
I think earlier in my twenties, I did a lot of comparison and that’s the reason why I had issues with being a perfectionist.
Now years after, and approaching my 30s, my attitude has complete change and I am happier with not comparing. I have my life to live, and all I can do is live it with passion each day and I don’t have time worrying about what else everyone is doing.
Thanks for sharing what your pastor said. I really liked that quote.
This is such a great post!! Every person can really relate to this. My kids, the hubster and I always say to eacher “your awesome” and in turn say ” I’m awesome” at least once a day. Its a great confidence boost for my kiddos. Cause arnt we ALL AWESOME!!
This is another GREAT post, Julie! One of the best things I love about your blog is just how upbeat you are. There have been times when I’ve been in a mood, and then I read a post of yours and it just cheers me up. I know you may not talk about all the ‘bad’ stuff; I figure that bloggers leave that information NOT to seem unrealistic or to appear perfect, but rather a lot of that is just personal and they just want to their blog to be a positive atmosphere, which I enjoy. I find that most people gravitate towards positive, upbeat people.
I agree that comparing can be a bad thing because it always tends to lead to envy and jealousy and those are such bad energy zappers. However sometimes I feel it can be good if you use it to better yourself. I may be weird, but I can appreciate another woman’s beauty and it drives me to better myself, not in looking like her, but in toning up to be a better version of myself. I think, as with anything, there is ALWAYS some positive in every situation, you just have to look for it. 🙂
Julie, this was beautifully written. “But guess what? You’re one of them” really resonated with me. thanks so much for this post!
great post and very well put! i agree with everything you said.
Thank you so much for this post…I have found myself doing this far too much lately. I am a new blogger and I read all these great blogs and the girls behind them seem to have such exciting, perfect lives and here I am in my small town with my little job living a boring life. It sometimes makes me feel bad about myself.
This post reminded me that we are all great and unique in our own ways and it is ok to toot our own little horns!
WOW!! Thank you for such a great blog — one of the best posts I’ve read. Why!? B/c it’s all TOO TRUE. I don’t know any woman out there who doesn’t feel some sort of inadequacy due to an illogical comparison they’ve come up with. I am definitely not immune to this. I struggle to truly BE — be CONFIDENT, be FEARLESS, be CONTENT. I am getting there though. With my faith in God and an amazing husband and family, I know I am enough.
(Btw, what church do you attend — what a great statement from your pastor)
Thank you for this wonderful post! And bringing us back to reality.
Fabulous post, beautifully written. Thank you so much for this.
I definitely struggle with the comparison trap. I think it’s a thing that most people struggle with daily, and just have to remember what is really important.
First of all, congratulations on getting your recipe noticed by Women’s Health! That’s awesome 🙂
Secondly, thank you for this post. For years, I struggled with an eating disorder, and I truly believe what kept me sick for so long was “the comparison trap”. As long as I was comparing myself to others, I was always unhappy and could not love myself or have a desire to take care of myself. I find as I compare myself less, the happier I am with what I have.
Such an important topic!
Great post Julie! And so true…I think EVERYONE struggles with the comparison trap at some point, it’s impossible to not. But you’re right, you have to remember just how awesome and unique you are too! 😀
Such a great post Julie! I’ve been feeling this way a lot lately. It’s so hard to just be you and be OK with that. It has seemed lately that all my friends are successfully losing weight and I’ve plateaud, no matter how hard I work. Also at our age! Some friends are getting married, having babies. Its easy to feel inadequate or that there’s something wrong if you aren’t there yet. I’ve just really been working on focusing on the positives; my wonderful friends, family and boyfriend that love me no matter what! And on the truth: I’m one lucky girl!
I struggle with this at times, but generally try and find the unique beauty and love in everyone. We are all different and we are all beautiful – no matter what. 🙂 <3
Wow! You hit the nail on the head with the comparison “issue”. I too struggle, just this morning matter of fact…felt wonderful when I left the house and then “she” walked by!! uuggghh…but I love how you put things in perspective and remind me that I am “freakin’ awesome” and I am one of those beautifull women as well. Love the blog….and congrats on the Women’s Health shout out!
I am a faithful reader but first-time commenter. This was such a inspirational post that really resonated with me. What a great way to head into the weekend!
I love this post! I, like pretty much everyone else, often fall into the comparison trap. Instead of focusing on what I wish was different, I try to remember what I love about myself: my “big” legs=strong, healthy legs that allow me to walk and run everyday, etc. I’m so great full for everything that I am blessed with, it would be selfish to dwell on the couple little things that I wish I could change!
I so agree with this.. i was struggling with this the past couple of days too as i’m sure a lot of people do
the best thing is to just be the best that you can be – that way there are no regrets later on coz you can’t control the other stuff.
focus on working on yourself – that’s the best thing to do 🙂
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I’m really enjoying it!!
It’s SO true that we always see the good things in other people’s lives, which makes us jealous, but we should really focus on the good things in our OWN life!
omg this post was so beautiful….moved me to tears! love your blog so much, and i agree that every woman out there is amazing just as she is : – )
Great post Julie! Well written and so helpful. I think we could all use a reminder every day of this.
Thank you for writing this today! Though I try to be optimistic and self-loving, I definitely struggle with comparing myself to others. It’s tricky!
I agree that we are all unique and that we’ve got to keep that in mind. We need to love ourselves and silence the negative thoughts that pop up!
And congrats on being featured on the Women’s Health website! Our own PB Fingers featured right there with WSJ, CNN and WebMD picks! How awesome!!!
A wonderful post that really resonates with me (and obviously many of your other loyal readers!). Thanks so much for the reminder- it’s a great way to start the weekend!
This brings up such great ideas. I struggle with the comparison trap at times, especially when I read about bloggers logging easy, 10 mile runs at a fast pace. It would be easy to feel not good enough and just sit at home, but running is my passion, so I’m going to run, even if I’m slower than others.
Great post Julie, I’m so proud of you. It’s amazing all the good you bring to this world, and my world. I hope you never wish you are anything different then exactly who you are because then you would not be my Julie and this world needs a million more people just like you!! Keep it up, you’re making a change for the better in peoples lives and that is an incredible accomplishment.
xo
Mer
K, the troll picture and its caption made me literally exclaim, ‘this girl’s so cute!!’ i don’t know what it is, but you are just so funny and cute, that’s why you’re one of my favourite bloggers. such a great post. i struggle with the comparison trap ALL the time. i used to even have difficulty being friendly to girls who i thought were pretty because i thought they were better than me, forgetting that i’m pretty too.
I think the key is developing self esteem. it doesn’t matter how pretty you are, if you have zero self esteem, you’re not any better off than someone who’s not as pretty. i really need to remind myself that it’s about impressing ME, not THEM. it’s a constant struggle, but i’ll get there one day! after all, looks fade, and the only thing you control is your attitude.
Such a great post! I love Jimmy Johns! I could eat there everyday but don’t! Good post on comparison as well!
thank you so much for this post.
the comparison trap is something i struggle with DAILY…multiple times a day! it is SO SO SO hard not to compare yourself with others and feel badly about yourself.
i really need to work on not letting it get to me and to stop romanticizing others’ lives. (i do that A LOT too!)
It’s so hard not to compare, I honestly think it’s built into us thanks to society. I overcome it by thinking the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I realized that when this one girl who I used to compare myself (and in my eyes, fell short of) told me of how envious she was of my life. It hit me how great I had (and still have) it!
I just try to remember that I can only be me—and any time spent wishing I was someone else, looked like someone else, or had someone else’s life is time wasted. It’d be time better spent thinking of ways to improve myself–but also telling myself that I’m pretty great just as I am.
I’ve gotten a lot better at avoiding the comparison trap, but I still struggle sometimes. P.S. I used to collect trolls when I was younger!
total tear-jerker! thank you!
You’re right– it’s so easy to see other people’s lives as so perfect when you have more imperfections that you can number. The truth is that no one’s life is perfect and just because we aren’t exactly like someone else doesn’t mean we’re any less awesome!! After all, how boring of a world would it be if we were all the same?
Just skimming the other comments, I dare say every woman has struggles with comparison. Somehow, it’s nice to know that underneath, I’m not the only one who has insecurities. 🙂
I would like to see this girl that made you feel self conscious. Is your area full of supermodels? That salad looks so tasty. You are being so strong in the face of yummy sweets. Good for you.
this is such a great post, i’ve really come to love your honesty julie.
I wrote a blog about comparisons several months ago that I titled “Purple Flowers.” http://iamlaurenlee.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html
Actually, I’ve written a lot about comparisons on my blog. I think it is the single most dangerous thought pattern in a woman’s life that can COMPLETELY destroy her identity. I especially identified with you when you said you could be feeling great about yourself, and then a beautiful girl comes in and that feeling goes down the toilet. When we compare ourselves, we will always fall short. And likewise, if we compare ourselves to someone we perceive as not being as pretty or whatever, we are giving ourselves a false sense of self-esteem. Self worth cannot be based on who is around you at the moment (I’m saying that in general, not to YOU specifically!).
I have gotten so much better with this but it’s a process and I still struggle. Literally this same scenario happened to me at the gym about an hour ago. Was feeling great about my skin (always had acne growing up and now I have scarring) and then this beautiful girl with AMAZING skin (who was super sweet by the way) chatted with me for a bit and I left and looked in the mirror and went “ugh. my skin looks gross.” It’s heartbreaking how we can tear ourselves down. Anyway…that’s all to say thanks for sharing!
Amen Sister!
Thank you Julie. My company just let me go and I immediately started comparing myself to my friends and family. It’s hard not to company yourself to other ppl when your down but u just have to keep positive and remember that you are amazing.
Great post, I fall into the comparison trap ALL the time! I can totally relate. But lately I’ve begun to realize that I waste so much valuable time fretting over things beyond my control. Life is so much better when you embrace the present and learn to love how unique we all are.
Thanks for posting this, it’s nice know I’m not alone in this one!
Love love this post Julie!! I’m going to bookmark it if I ever have one of those comparison trap days. I tend to always struggle with it at the gym….I have a bootay so I always compare myself to the tinier booties running around at the gym. But I have to remind myself that I’m me and I’ll never be like that because it’s in my genes to have the body that I have and that’s pretty damn awesome! And my hubby loves my bootie too 🙂
I have to remember the things I love about myself and own it, that I am only one me and that’s pretty freakin’ awesome. Thanks Julie, I now feel wonderful and beautiful 🙂
Love this post, Julie! I have been thinking about writing something about this, too. I compare myself in the same ways you touched on, but I have also felt terribly “behind” in life for quite some time. All of my friends are married or engaged, some with kids, and I am still flying solo at 31. It’s really tough sometimes. I just remind myself that plenty of them would love to come home to a quiet apartment or be able to eat whatever they feel like for dinner whenever they feel like eating it. It doesn’t always work to focus on those things, but I try to appreciate what I have and trust that it will happen for me when it’s meant to.
I thought I was the only one who ate the Starbucks whipped cream using my straw. I feel so much less alone now!! Only I don’t save it for last…I eat it all before I drink my drink lol
Hello Julie! I’ve been following your blog for a few months now, but this is my first comment here. This was an amazing post and I just wanted to say thank you for being so positive and so real! No matter if your posts are super silly, thought-provoking and serious like todays, or just an update on your lunch I always leave your blog with a smile on my face. You’ve honestly inspired me to take control of my happiness. Your positivity is contagious 🙂
And I saw this recipe today and thought it would be perfect for you 🙂
Thank you so much and I’m so glad PBF can make you smile! 🙂
Amazing post! Julie, you really have a gift for writing and encouraging others. It’s hard not to compare, but I just try to remember that I wasn’t made to be the same as anyone else; God made me who I am, and I just need to work to be the best that I can be. And you’re right – even the people who we think are perfect still have struggles. Some may be more evident than others, but everyone has their failures and insecurities. I need to work on encouraging other people and celebrating their gifts instead of feeling jealous or insecure.
This was JUST the kind of post I needed to read! the “comparison trap” is exactly the reason I recently deleted my personal Facebook…it became the source of wayyy too much negative self-talk. I still struggle with this daily, but it’s encouraging to hear other girls go through the same thing! Great post, Julie! 🙂