I want to write things like, āWe went to Patterson Farm on Saturday and pet adorable animals and saw donkeys, chickens, goats and pigs and it was great and amazing and Chase had the best time!ā And you know what? All of that would be true! But then when I read it, the words read so different from how I feel inside and remaining silent somehow feels easier.
I really was feeling better on Friday, the best I felt since our second miscarriage, probably. But then, on the way home from picking up a RedBox movie to watch during a lazy Friday night on the couch, I noticed I had a voicemail from a local number I didnāt recognize and knew immediately it had to be my doctor. Our test results from my D&C were due back last Thursday and I had a feeling she was calling with an update.
Before my D&C, I checked a box that said our results could be released over the phone but completely forgot about that and, in the interim, I decided I really, really did not want to know the sex of the baby we lost. This was something I figured Iād be able to mention to the doctor before our test results were shared. Ryan and I actually planned to be surprised by the sex of this baby on the day of the birth and I felt that knowing the sex now would just be too hard.
Knowing our baby was a boy would make me picture a mini-Chase and, as the mother of a little boy I love with all of my heart, I felt like it would be too painful to hear we lost a boy. Knowing our baby was a girl would confirm what I felt in my heart was trueā¦ that the second baby we lost was a girl and that also felt too painful. So I didnāt want to know.
I listened to the results on my voicemail from our doctor as she shared that we lost our baby due to a chromosomal abnormality.
She went on to explain that our baby had only one X chromosome rather than the two X chromosomes normally present in a female. Our baby was a girl. Our baby had Turner Syndrome, a condition in which only 1 percent of pregnancies result in live births.
A girl.
Our baby was a girl.
I knew it.
I started crying for the baby girl I would never get to hold. I started crying because I wouldāve loved that baby so, so deeply with or without Turner Syndrome. No matter what. I started crying because I realized I had been slowly hardening my heart and trying not to focus on the baby we lost and focus more onĀ why we lost a baby and now I couldnāt do anything other than picture our girl and long to kiss her cheeks, cuddle her and get to know her.
Much of this weekend was spent in the āshould besā and the āwhat ifsā and the āI wishā moments of grief, loss and pain. The completely unproductive thoughts that hurt and cause tears but the thoughts that seem necessary and somehow inevitable.
So rather than share a recap of our weekend, Iām sharing whatās on my heart again today.
Friday night was difficult because I truthfully did not think the test results would indicate a chromosomal abnormality, despite the statistical averages related to miscarriage. I wasnāt hoping for one thing or another from our test results ā we just wanted information ā but learning more about our baby somehow made me feel closer to her and unleashed feelings I realized I was trying to prevent myself from feeling… Feelings directly related to loving, losing and longing for another baby.
I have a list of questions for our doctor when we meet in person (many of them thanks to you and your comments, recommendations and experiences) since we donāt know what caused the loss of our first baby and Iām still a ball of anxiety.
But I wanted to let you know what we know at this moment because youāve opened up to me and shared your stories and while this is personal and private, I am not nor have I ever been ashamed of our losses. I am sad and hurting but I am not ashamed and the emails and comments Iāve received from you guys keeps me open in this space when sometimes I want to close off and remain silent.
Writing is good for me and sharing feels right when I hear back from those of you who have been here or somewhere similar before. I know no one grieves or hurts the same way and there is no right way to grieve or express pain and sadness but Iām trying my best to find words that capture my feelings even though sometimes I feel like no words ever really could.
Once again I feel pulled to say thank you for reading. Thank you for supporting me even when I feel like Iāve exhausted all of the kindness and love I could possibly expect from you guys. Thank you for allowing me to share this deeply personal loss and experience on the blog. And thank you for continuing to encourage me to do so. You guys are the very best.
***
I would like to continue to make this blog a place where women can share and support each other. If youāve experienced loss or pain and found something that helped you through a hard time ā a book, a quote, a friend or family member who did something simple that really meant a lot to you ā please feel free to comment below to hopefully help others who may be hurting right now or give those who may know someone who is hurting an idea for something they might be able to do to show them love and support during a hard time. Thank you for your kindness toward me and each other in this space.
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I am so sorry for your loss and so glad that you have a gift for writing. Putting the loss into words is therapeutic and can give a sense of stability even though your heart is breaking. It was heartwarming for me to read your words “continue to make this blog a place where women can share and support each other”. Every woman’s loss through miscarriage is unique and gut-wrenching, but sharing the loss can form a connection that helps heal. I wish for you and Ryan peace and calm in your hearts and lives.
I’m so so sorry for the loss of your second baby and your baby girl. I know the feeling all too well after going through 2 back-to-back losses myself. We also did testing after a D&E with our first (I was 16 weeks and in the second trimester, so they do offer testing even though it was our first loss, and they do a D&E instead of D&C but I understand it is a similar procedure) and found out we lost a baby girl to a chromosomal abnormality (Trisomy 16). My second loss happened about 9 months later and was an early natural miscarriage, we never got to find out what happened or what the sex was. These were my first two pregnancies and I was convinced I’d never be able to have a healthy baby or deal with the stress of pregnancy again after so much heartbreak HOWEVER I am now currently 29 weeks along with a seemingly healthy baby girl! This pregnancy has been so hard emotionally (it makes the physical part feel like a piece of cake!), but I also feel so grateful everyday and hope this will somehow make me a better person in general, and a better mom in particular. I just wanted to share because I know stories of others having successful pregnancies and healthy babies after multiple losses really helped me find the strength to try again and not give up hope for the future. I hope you realize how much your sharing vulnerable posts like this helps others. Sending lots of love and rainbows your way!
Hi Julie! I know this is such a hard road to be on (I’m on it with you, as well), and the sadness and anxiety/fear is overwhelming. Here are some things I am trying to help me mentally:
1. Praying and going to church
2. Yoga–never really been into yoga, but I’m trying out restorative yoga classes at different studios to try and help my mind be in the present moment.
3. Therapy–I hate the stigma around going to therapy, but I am going to give it a shot to try and talk it out with someone other than family, close friends, or my husband.
4. Reading a book I stumbled upon at Barnes and Noble called “Soul Matters for the Heart.” It gives you bible verses, prayers to say, and real life stories that help you get through any difficult situation in your life.
5. Saying to myself that suffering is a normal stage in life, but it will not last forever. God wants us to be happy and has a greater plan for us. Suffering is a time to test our faith in God, trust in Him, and let Him carry us through this difficult time. I always think of the poem “Footprints”.
We can get through this and we will. Sending big hugs your way!
Sweet girl, I am so beyond sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you, your family, and the baby girl that you lost. Sending you love and healing.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby three years ago and despite having three other marvelous daughters I still mourn that loss everyday. I don’t really have any advice except that you may be able to find a church support group that would help. Time is also a great healer of wounds. Prayers for you and your husband.
Oh Julie, my heart is breaking for you, yet I am also so jealous that you have an answer for your loss. I lost (what I am SURE was a girl) last Labor Day at just over 17 weeks. We opted out of genetic testing because it was my first loss, and I have a healthy toddler who is just a few months older than Chase. While I do not want to know the sex of my babies until they are born, I feel like I can’t fully grieve for my baby that I lost because I don’t have any answers *(all I know is that it was a missed miscarriage, not anything wrong with my ability to carry). Sending you so much love and hugs and understanding.
Julie, this post is so moving. What you are going through is so difficult, and it’s so darn brave for you to be open and sharing about it. Reading the comments almost brings me to tears. Love and prayers and hugs to you!
Julie, my heart aches for you. I am proud of you for sharing, though, and I hope you realize your beautifully written words will help so many women, including yourself (I know writing is therapeutic for me!).
I’ve never personally experienced such devastating loss, but I know many who have. Wishing you much comfort and love during this difficult time. <3
Julie, I hope this beautiful essay on miscarriage loss can bring you some comfort. I too lost a baby and it stays with you.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/16/miscarriage-pregnancy-motherhood-loneliness
Hi Julie,
I read a book recently that made me think of you. It’s called Expecting Sunshine and it’s written by a local author in my community – it’s about her experience with loss and becoming pregnant after loss. If you’re interested in checking her out, her name is Alexis Marie Chute and she has a blog as well. I found the book both heartbreaking and beautifully optimistic and thought you might want to check it out.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Julie I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter. I don’t know what’s worse knowing or not knowing. I was only a couple of months along when I lost mine in between my boys. So I never got to know happened or the sex of the baby. I just assumed it was a girl and there was something wrong with her. Supposedly miscarriages are common after having boys. I have no idea why. You will see your beautiful children you lost again and I will see mine. In the meantime I send you lots of hugs and love from south Texas. God bless!
Hi Julie. I’ve been a long-time reader of yours, for probably the past 6 years or so, and I just wanted to say that I hurt with you, and knowing this pain all too well myself, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, or the most absolute evil person in the world. I’ve lost my daughter on 3/10/16 and my son on 1/5/17, both completely unrelated, and they are both buried in a family plot that my husband and I were buying before we hit 5 months of marriage. So I know how it can feel like your quest for answers is unending and never satisfied.
One thing that has helped me slightly is this timer that my therapist suggested; after losing my son and burying him, my ob/gyn office thought it would be beneficial to speak with someone, and it was. One thing she suggested to me was to practice mindfulness/mediation. She downloaded on my iPhone an app called Insight Timer, which has different playlists of guided meditation/mindfulness. I was never really into the whole mediation thing, simply because I thought my wandering mind wouldn’t be able to handle it….but I use it every single night while falling asleep; after both of my children’s passing I had extreme difficulties sleeping, and so far this app is the only thing that helps with falling to sleep.
I don’t need to tell you since you’ve been through this once before that nothing will truly make everything better. Because you’re supposed to feel what you’re feeling now. You feel such great grief, only because you have such great love for your babies.
Hugs and love to you <3
I am sorry as well! I have lost many of my pregnancies. Both of my living daughters lost their twins, and I lost 9 babies. I had a couple d&c’s and too found out we had lost a baby girl. However mine was healthy. The pain is so unbearable when you lose your loved ones. My babies were killed by my immune system which really tore me up inside to know they were healthy but my body was liking them. I had to see a specialist out of state who patented the cure for the Antiphospholipid Antibody Disease I had. It was so full blown and out of control it was attacking me as well. The only cure and hope to have a second child was to shut my immune system down, blood infusions, tons of medication and care. I am in remission now and have two AMAZING living blessings. The greatest thing that I carry with me is that – for so long I was crushed, hurt and heartbroken. It was a horrible thing to go through I can’t even describe how bad. Then one day, God put it on my heart and to mind that while I did lose my babies – I was gifted with each one!!! The time we had together was so precious and He gave ME the opportunity to be their Mommy – no one else. So while their time here was brief, much shorter than I would have ever chosen, I was given the honor and joy of being their Mommies and I always will be! So instead of seeing it as a loss, I now see what a blessing and gift i was given to have them – each one. I hope you find the same joy at some point! It was far better to have loved and lost than to have never had those babies!! The short time together was worth every heartache!! They are cherished always and one day, I will see all of my babies again!!! Just because they are no longer here, they are always here in my ā¤ļø. You will carry all of your kids with you always – truly special. May God comfort you and your husband!
Hi Julie! I’m so sorry for your losses.
I had 2 miscarriages as well.
Because neither of my first 2 pregnancies were viable, I thought I would never have a baby.
What helped me the most was finding someone to talk to who had been in my shoes and went on to have a successful pregnancy & birth.
I found Traci on drspock.com. She answered my post on one of the message boards. We emailed each other & she helped me with my fears & questions when I got pregnant for the 3rd time.
If you need to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
Sending healing thoughts & prayers your way.
Kimberly
I am so, so sorry for your losses, K Anne. I’m also so glad you found someone so helpful for you. Thank you for your comment and for reaching out to me. I really appreciate it.
I am so very sorry for the loss of both sweet babies. I’ll be thinking about you and wish you peace. Thank you for sharing and being open during this incredibly hard time.
Stay strong Julie. I walked in your shoes for years, dealing with multiple losses and infertility. After my last loss in Dec 2016, I waited for my cycle to begin again for what seemed like an eternity. 10 weeks later, I learned I was pregnant for the first time naturally, and she is still with me at 32 weeks. All of that to say — tragedy happens, but so do miracles. Stay strong, warrior on, and just keep trying. It’s a tough road, but it can be walked.
“Tragedy happens, but so do miracles.” I absolutely LOVE this. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Lindsay. I am so sorry for your losses and your struggles. I wish you the very, very best for a continued healthy pregnancy and delivery. <3
Julie, my heart breaks for you. Having lost my first angel to Turner’s after seeing a beautiful heartbeat at 8 weeks, I don’t think I will ever forget that gut wrenching moment when it was gone the next US. We lost our 2nd at 9 weeks, another girl due to trisomy 16 and had a 3rd MC very early after a 3rd round of IVF. Through all of the heartbreak, we always reminded ourselves that god had a plan for us even though during those moments it was hard to understand. I ended up getting pregnant naturally after the 3rd MC and have a healthy 7 month old daughter. While you will never forget your little angels and the pain you feel today, know that they will always watch over Chase and know how much you love them.
Julie- there is so much I wanted to say in my comment on your previous post about your second miscarriage, but it’s really hard to articulate. I had three MCs one after the other between fall 2014 – spring 2015. During that period, the song “Glory Baby” by Watermark (specifically the live version) really brought me comfort. I hope you’ll take a listen and that it helps you, too. Oddly, it’s not a “sad” song… but a sweet song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeYIp1rnryw
I also suffered a miscarriage. I am also a blogger. I can connect with this in so many ways. My healthy-living blog turned into a place where I could sort out feelings, ask questions and let my heart speak for a while there, too. I do not regret anything I have written about my miscarriage. Not only did writing about it give me more peace at the time, but as the years go on, it gives me peace to be able to look back, too. To be able to read where I was emotionally, and see where I am now. To realize that all of the thoughts and feelings were valid at that time, even after all these years. To back-up the fact that I still have a valid reason to grieve for my loss even now. It was a hard chapter to write but, it’s still a chapter nonetheless and I’m grateful that I had my blog as an outlet. I never forget all of the people I have helped by sharing my story, too. Thank you for sharing and helping others, too.
So many hugs. Keep doing what ever makes you feel good, but I (and I’m sure many others) are glad blogging is one of those things.