I want to write things like, āWe went to Patterson Farm on Saturday and pet adorable animals and saw donkeys, chickens, goats and pigs and it was great and amazing and Chase had the best time!ā And you know what? All of that would be true! But then when I read it, the words read so different from how I feel inside and remaining silent somehow feels easier.
I really was feeling better on Friday, the best I felt since our second miscarriage, probably. But then, on the way home from picking up a RedBox movie to watch during a lazy Friday night on the couch, I noticed I had a voicemail from a local number I didnāt recognize and knew immediately it had to be my doctor. Our test results from my D&C were due back last Thursday and I had a feeling she was calling with an update.
Before my D&C, I checked a box that said our results could be released over the phone but completely forgot about that and, in the interim, I decided I really, really did not want to know the sex of the baby we lost. This was something I figured Iād be able to mention to the doctor before our test results were shared. Ryan and I actually planned to be surprised by the sex of this baby on the day of the birth and I felt that knowing the sex now would just be too hard.
Knowing our baby was a boy would make me picture a mini-Chase and, as the mother of a little boy I love with all of my heart, I felt like it would be too painful to hear we lost a boy. Knowing our baby was a girl would confirm what I felt in my heart was trueā¦ that the second baby we lost was a girl and that also felt too painful. So I didnāt want to know.
I listened to the results on my voicemail from our doctor as she shared that we lost our baby due to a chromosomal abnormality.
She went on to explain that our baby had only one X chromosome rather than the two X chromosomes normally present in a female. Our baby was a girl. Our baby had Turner Syndrome, a condition in which only 1 percent of pregnancies result in live births.
A girl.
Our baby was a girl.
I knew it.
I started crying for the baby girl I would never get to hold. I started crying because I wouldāve loved that baby so, so deeply with or without Turner Syndrome. No matter what. I started crying because I realized I had been slowly hardening my heart and trying not to focus on the baby we lost and focus more onĀ why we lost a baby and now I couldnāt do anything other than picture our girl and long to kiss her cheeks, cuddle her and get to know her.
Much of this weekend was spent in the āshould besā and the āwhat ifsā and the āI wishā moments of grief, loss and pain. The completely unproductive thoughts that hurt and cause tears but the thoughts that seem necessary and somehow inevitable.
So rather than share a recap of our weekend, Iām sharing whatās on my heart again today.
Friday night was difficult because I truthfully did not think the test results would indicate a chromosomal abnormality, despite the statistical averages related to miscarriage. I wasnāt hoping for one thing or another from our test results ā we just wanted information ā but learning more about our baby somehow made me feel closer to her and unleashed feelings I realized I was trying to prevent myself from feeling… Feelings directly related to loving, losing and longing for another baby.
I have a list of questions for our doctor when we meet in person (many of them thanks to you and your comments, recommendations and experiences) since we donāt know what caused the loss of our first baby and Iām still a ball of anxiety.
But I wanted to let you know what we know at this moment because youāve opened up to me and shared your stories and while this is personal and private, I am not nor have I ever been ashamed of our losses. I am sad and hurting but I am not ashamed and the emails and comments Iāve received from you guys keeps me open in this space when sometimes I want to close off and remain silent.
Writing is good for me and sharing feels right when I hear back from those of you who have been here or somewhere similar before. I know no one grieves or hurts the same way and there is no right way to grieve or express pain and sadness but Iām trying my best to find words that capture my feelings even though sometimes I feel like no words ever really could.
Once again I feel pulled to say thank you for reading. Thank you for supporting me even when I feel like Iāve exhausted all of the kindness and love I could possibly expect from you guys. Thank you for allowing me to share this deeply personal loss and experience on the blog. And thank you for continuing to encourage me to do so. You guys are the very best.
***
I would like to continue to make this blog a place where women can share and support each other. If youāve experienced loss or pain and found something that helped you through a hard time ā a book, a quote, a friend or family member who did something simple that really meant a lot to you ā please feel free to comment below to hopefully help others who may be hurting right now or give those who may know someone who is hurting an idea for something they might be able to do to show them love and support during a hard time. Thank you for your kindness toward me and each other in this space.
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Julie,
I’ve been reading your blog daily for probably 6 years or so and consequently have felt like I’ve gotten to know you. My sister and I will even refer to you just as “Julie” as if we know you personally! All that to say, I so appreciate the openness, honesty, and vulnerability in which you write. Even in the regular day-to-day moments that nothing to do with your loss I feel like you write with such openness that your readers feel like they genuinely know you. But especially in this time of hurt your vulnerability to share the truth of how you are feeling is really encouraging. I know there have to be so many women who have gone through this in the past, are currently going through it or may face the same hurt in the future and the fact that you are willing to be open now can provide so much more comfort and solace to so many people that you may never hear from. . That said I want to affirm you I had read a really negative comment here a day or two ago from a reader who had responded hurtfully to one of your posts. I felt really angry and hurt for you reading her opinion. I just want to affirm you that you are doing a great job being transparent and allowing people who feel like they know you into a very personal part of your life. (When you don’t have to at all) Take as much time as you need, grieve how you need to and know not only God is there in this with you but a whole tribe of women who read your blog are praying for you. ?
Julie, my heart goes out to you. Before my son was born (he will be 5 in December), I suffered two back to back losses as well. The first was a blighted ovum so there really never was a baby to lose but it didn’t make it any easier for me to process until well after my son was born. The second loss was so similar to yours, I heard a heart beat, something I never got to do with our first loss and I felt elated until I started spotting around week 9. I went in for an ultrasound without my husband because it was Halloween and they were closing early and that is when I found out the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I had my second D&C in 4 months and we also opted to receive our results from the D&C. No one ever warned me the sex of the baby would be listed on our results and they were mailed to me. My doctor had called me to tell me there was no chromosomal abnormality but they still mailed me the autopsy results which listed very clearly that our baby was also a girl. Just like for you, it made the situation so much more real for me. I never wanted to know the sex of the baby we lost and I wish they had warned me that the results would tell me. I’m currently pregnant with baby #2, 4.5 years after having my son and it’s a girl. It is funny how people who do not know me or my situation tell me how I have the perfect family now, one boy and one little girl on the way. If they only knew that I had already lost a little girl and that maybe her birth would have meant not having my son. I really hope one day in the very near future your situation will be the same and you’ll be able to look back and find peace with the loss of your babies. I think it is amazing that you chose to share your story with others, it really does help. When I suffered my losses I had not known a single person who had a miscarriage. Since then, I have been able to help so many friends cope with similar losses.
There really is something so painful about finding out the sex that I never would’ve anticipated had I not experienced it myself… It just makes it hard not to get wrapped up in the “what ifs” and the longing and the desire for THAT baby all over again. Your comment about how, on the outside, it looks like you have the “perfect family” also really spoke to me — sometimes as I see pregnant women or women with many healthy children it’s hard not to think they had an “easy” time but, through many, many conversations, and through comments like yours, it’s becoming increasingly clear that SO MANY people have a really, really hard time (and not just with babies… in life in general). Just yesterday I was speaking with a pregnant woman at Gymboree who is due in two weeks. She already has a 2.5 year old girl and, on the outside, it looks like everything was easy and perfect for her. But, through our conversation, I learned that her 2.5 year old daughter’s twin sister passed away in the hospital after birth (her twins were born at 25 weeks). Her story was so sad but she smiled when she talked about her daughter and the baby she’s currently expecting. It was one of many eye-opening moments for me when I realized that so many people are walking around carrying sadness and sorrow with them through experiences we’d never know anything about without knowing the person well. Thank you for sharing a little bit about your journey with me and for opening up to me. I really, really appreciate it and am sending you prayers and good wishes for a healthy pregnancy, baby and delivery. <3
Hugs to you and your family in this difficult time. Know that you are in your followers’ thoughts and prayers. I began reading when you were pregnant with your son (and I was desperately praying for a baby myself). I don’t normally comment but wanted you to know you have the support of many.
Prayers are with you Julie. You are such a great mom, I have no doubt God will bless you with more children in the future. You are helping so many women by opening up in this way.
Hello Julie,
I just want to say how much I genuinely love your honesty and sincerity. Seriously. You are amazing. I read other blogs where, as you said, the writer puts a “happy-peachy” spin on absolutely everything. It actually becomes nauseating. Not because I don’t genuinely appreciate and like celebrating the fun, good and joyful things in life they are experiencing…but rather they are just so hard to relate to. They seem “perfect” and it’s hard to see if or how they embrace their humanity and the “sucky” things in life, that I know everyone goes through in life…even if they don’t want to admit it.
Julie, your posts, throughout the 4 years I’ve been reading, have brought me personally so much insight, inspiration, but also someone who I can relate to and feel more “normal” about life in general about.
Thank you…and please keep being honest.
I started reading (or rather listening to) ‘Tiny Beautiful Things’ this morning and someone wrote in about a miscarriage, how their baby was a girl, how she had a name, and while pregnancy is not something I have experienced (and truthfully, it’s not something I’m wishing for myself), let alone miscarriage, I wear near tears as you could hear this woman’s pain through her letter. I can only imagine how you must be feeling and I wish I had the right words to help or any advice to give, but all I can do is wish you strength and comfort. <3
Thank you for sharing your story and being so open. I absolutely cannot fathom having back to back miscarriages while also raising a little one. I really admire your strength and openness that you have displayed in your blog posts. I experienced my first miscarriage in June at 9 weeks. This was my first pregnancy. I did not have a D&C, but wish I would have. The natural process took over a month and was emotionally and physically draining, ending with a trip to the ER. All is well now physically but I am still struggling emotionally. Some days things are great but the second I’m alone in the quiet, the sadness becomes overwhelming. Posts like yours make me feel much less isolated. I am so very sorry for your losses and appreciate you using your platform to help other women feel less alone in this journey. Thank you!
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this pain, Julie. I, too, feel as if I know you and you are a friend! It’s okay to let yourself feel pain, and it’s okay to recognize strength in pain, as well. It all takes time. I found your statement about loving your baby with or without TS to be extraordinarily beautiful. As someone whose brother has Down syndrome, it’s really lovely to know there are such caring and loving people in this world, and you are one of them! Blessings are showering down al over you right now, even if you’re not quite able to recognize them just yet. Much love to you, Ryan, Chase and Sadie during this time. <3
Sending many positive thoughts your way. I hope this quote brings you some comfort.
āNever. We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they donāt disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.ā ā Paulo Coelho, Aleph
One of my favorite quotes, from a song by Leonard Cohen…..
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in
Sending you love and light
I love this. So beautiful.
I am so sorry. I seriously want to give you a real hug again.
I have been reading your blogs for years (the title got me at Peanut Butter).
I have to admit, I stopped reading it when you were PG with Chase as I was going through my infertility hell. I had to take a break. But I went through my own healing process. I had to learn to deal with the deck that is handed to me.
Does it suck? Yup. Is it fair? Nope. But I have to learn from it.
Here is a quote that my husband found from a fortune cookie which can be used for anything in life:
Those who endure the most, are rewarded most.
It resonated so much with my husband and to me that I had a custom made sign to hang on our bedroom wall. Every day when I wake up, it is the first thing I see and the last thing I see before I go to bed.
Julie, I am so sorry for your losses the heartache of each loss is indescribable. My heart breaks for your sweet family. I too had multiple losses and one being from tuner. I am not sure if this helps you or hurts more but it is a fluke nothing is genetically wrong with ryan or you. This is what I was told, which made me mad at first and then relieved because it was just bad luck and we could have a living baby. We went on to have two healthy baby boys after three miscarriages.
Oh Julie. I know how hard this pain is, and you’re so right. This is your space, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There’s also no timeline set to get back to “normal” sharing, so if you need to take time to unplug or a day to let your thoughts out and share like you did today, absolutely do it. I’ve also learned that the support from women going through similar journey helps so much. We were never able to find out the sex of our babies. The first one was far enough along, but frankly, our doctor wasn’t very helpful and didn’t have many answers. I feel like our current doctor truly cares about finding out what is going on and is trying her best to help us have our family, which is comforting. Keep strong my friend, and keep sharing if it helps. I know it has for me.
Sending so much love to you, as well as prayers every day. Love you! <3
Oh Julie. I’ve been reading your blog daily for a few years and rarely comment, but over the course of these two miscarriages, your posts just make me well up. Maybe because I just celebrated my second baby’s first birthday and am so overwhelmed with the emotions of that and know you want that too. And I can vividly imagine the loss I would feel if she had not made it this far. I’m so sorry. I know you don’t know me, but I wish I could give you the biggest hug. Your strength and vulnerability are so incredible. And you are such a good mom. I am sure the timing is coming for you to have another baby. I don’t really know what to say, but just wanted to send you some love and support since I’m over here crying for you and your sweet little family and that sweet little girl.
Dear Julie, I’ve been a faithful reader since 2012 and I am Clinal Cytogeneticist in Germany ( i am not a doctor, but I biologist). Basically, my job is to do chromosome analyis like the one you did now. I can imagine that finding out sex was really hard and this is one of ther rare situations where it is done. I am not sure when will you have appointment with the doctor to talk the results, but I can immagine your worries.
I just wanted to let you know that Turner Sydrom is almost totaly random and non repetitive ( unlike some other numeric abnormalities that sometimes may run in family) and that there are excellent chances to have chromosomaly healthy kids in the future. If you have any questions feel free to write me.
Julie – PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep being honest, open, real and raw about this experience. I say that selfishly…because NOT enough women are, no one talks about this side of becoming a parent. It’s an all too familiar story for so many women and unless someone, who has a platform like you do, starts talking about it more honestly…it will continue to be taboo.
Loss sucks so bad. I’m glad you have answers to what happened with your second loss. And honestly – the first loss could’ve been a similar situation.
You WILL have your rainbow baby. As someone who has lost three babies, the only thing I can say is that until you hold your next healthy baby…loss is an impossible thing to get over. Keep being positive, keep being open, talk about it with whoever wants to listen. Hugs to you!
I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks when my son was 17 months old. My well intentioned mother and sister told me to be thankful for my son and to focus on him. Those comments hurt so much because even though I already had a baby, I still grieved so much for the baby we lost. We had already seen the heartbeat on ultrasound at 6 weeks so the baby felt so real.
This loss came after 2.5 years of infertility before my first son and the loss was from our last remaining frozen embryo from IVF. I was fearful of having to go through IVF again and I was so sad to think I may never have another baby. So even though you’re already a mom, your feelings of grief are so real. I think it’s great that you are processing all of your thoughts and really dealing with the pain. I shoved it all aside and just wanted to know what was next and wanted to immediately work toward getting pregnant again. Fortunately, I was able to get pregnant again and now have a second son who is 8 months old. I don’t think I ever truly dealt with the sadness of my miscarriage because I was in such a hurry to get pregnant again. My best advice to you is to just keep feeling and letting it all out. I still think about the baby I lost and wonder if it was a boy or girl and who he or she would have been. I also look at my baby boy and remind myself that he would not be here if I had not suffered that loss. I am so grateful to have him and he is such a joy.
My husband and I lost our first baby at 13 weeks the day before Thanksgiving 2015. The grief was unlike anything I have ever experienced and I had a hard time feeling understood by those who had not shared what I was going through. I did find out quickly that miscarriage is something people just don’t talk about so it was very easy to fall into the headspace of “I’m all alone.” But as I began to share about what happened, I quickly found out that I was far from alone and that despite what I felt, there was hope. I leaned on my faith more than any time in my life. I have always been one to turn to music to help sort through feelings, and in cas there is someone else who does the same, I thought I would share the songs I played on repeat while I was processing the grief and digging deep to find the hope.
Danny Gokey – Tell Your Heart to Beat Again
Tenth Ave North – I Have This Hope
Lauren Daigle – Trust in You
Danny Gokey – Hope in Front of Me
Bethel Music – You Make Me Brave
Merideth Andrews – Soar
Mandisa – Stronger
Scott Cunningham Band – There May Be Tears
Avicii – Broken Arrows
The Afters – Battles
Bethel Music – It Is Well
Britt Nicole – The Sun is Rising
Aaron Shust – Come to Me
Merideth Andrews – Deeper
Hillsong – Oceans
Jeremy Camp – He Knows
Tauren Wells – Hills and Valleys
Hannah Kerr – I Stand Here
Hannah Kerr – Warrior
Citizen Way – I Will
Mikeschair – Let the Waters Rise
Matthew West – Mended
tobyMac – Move (Keep Walkin’)
Moriah Peters – Oh Fear
Natalie Grant – Hurricane
Shane & Shane – Psalm 46 (Lord of Hosts)
Finding Favour – Refuge
Jason Gray – Sparrows
Tenth Ave North – Sparrows
NEEDTOBREATH – These Hard Times
Hillary Scott – Thy Will
Young Oceans – Until These Tears are Gone
Citizen Way – When I’m With You
Natalie Grant – Your Great Name
My husband and I had our rainbow baby in December 2016 and I struggled with crippling anxiety throughout the pregnancy fearing I would lose him. These songs carried me through my miscarriage and pregnancy and I pray they will maybe help someone else who is in the same place. Trust me when I say, God is good and He will prove to always be faithful.
I hope you feel an outpour of love and prayers today and the rest of the time you need to grieve. You have a tribe of readers that love your raw honesty, even if its such a painful subject- i know you are touching SO MANY with your story and your updates. My heart continues to be with you during this time, know that you are being thought of and being lifted in prayers. I hope the doctor’s visit provides answers and for now, (ive said it several times in the comments) there is not much i can say to provide words of comfort- but we all love you and want to see you thrive. For now, hold on to the comments from all of us and the hugs and smiles Chase gives you! Hugs,
Julie,
I have been a reader of your blog for years now. Your positivity and enthusiasm for life are infectious and your posts are always a joy to read. So much so that I was so excited when you announced your pregnancy with Chase as I had just found out I was pregnant with our first as well. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage as did the two after that. To say that I that was the hardest year of my life would be a complete understatement. I was completely broken and it was hard to find joy in well, anything.
As in most cases such as this, I often asked God, “why?” ‘Why us?” “Why can people who don’t even want a baby stay pregnant, but we’ve prayed so hard for one and we cant?” But even in my darkest moments when faith was the only real thing I could cling to, I knew that this was supposed to be part of my story. That this, for some unknown (and unwanted) reason, was God’s plan. There is a song that I found during this time that offered hope in my sadness and I wanted to share it with you in hopes that it can do the same. It allowed me to cry those ugly, cleansing tears of pain but also tears of joy knowing that He is God and that alone makes Him good. He is good to me and He will be good to you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKosVfAEUPE&feature=youtu.be
Soon after our third miscarriage, God answered our prayers and my fourth pregnancy resulted in what is now a beautiful, lively ten-month old boy who is our our absolute joy. I just want you to know that you are not alone. You, Ryan and Chase are being prayed for by more people that you can imagine. God’s has you in the palm of his hand and he knows desires of your heart. You are greatly loved.
My heart just breaks for you, Julie. I’m so, so sorry you’re having to go through this, and I’m even more sorry to hear that your healing journey went for an unexpected detour when you found out information you didn’t want to know. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through, but I do know that when I’m dealing with difficult emotions, I’ve quite recently started to give myself permission to allow my mind to have the thoughts it wants to have so I can process them and deal with them rather than shutting them out, which usually just makes them come back stronger later. It’s not always easy, especially when I’ve become so used to trying to steer my mind away from memories or thought trains that I know will make me angry or upset, but I have found it to be helpful for my emotional health and wellbeing. I also wanted to mention something: two weeks ago, I was on a run with my training group when one of the girls behind me started talking to her running buddy about the Missing GRACE Foundation. The girl who was talking is running the Chicago Marathon this year to fundraise for them, because last summer she lost a baby to miscarriage, and the Missing GRACE Foundation exists to help people who have gone through infant loss. It sounds like a lot of their stuff is Minnesota based, which obviously isn’t local to you, but I thought I’d pass it along anyway just in case, since I immediately thought of you when I heard the girl talking about it: http://www.missinggrace.org/ Sending you lots of love, thoughts, and prayers!
No other comments beyond being impressed by your strength. Hang in there, and thanks as always for being real and honest!
I’m a long time reader and really appreciate your honesty during this process. I am so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks for you. Miscarriage is part of my story too. We lost our first baby at 7 weeks, and even though I didn’t know I was pregnant for very long, I was still devastated. The book “A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss” by Jerry Sittser was really helpful for me. Sending you lots of love!
Julie, I am so sorry. My water broke at 21 weeks when I was pregnant with my first child; it was a full rupture and I was taken to the hospital and told there was nothing they could do, that labor would start and that my child would be placed in my arms to die. I cried so much in the days that followed that my eyes were almost swollen shut. It’s a pain I had never felt before, not even when my mom passed away (which was less than a year before this happened). So I know the unspeakable heaviness of that kind of grief. I wanted to share with you a quote that got me through the “why me” days.
“Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.” – Bruce Lee
I hope it’s able to bring you some comfort. It sucks having to be “strong” like this, and you definitely don’t have to always put on a tough face (heck, scream and cry as much as you need to!). But just know you will get through it.
Julie,
I’ve been reading your blot since the beginning and rarely comment. I just wanted to let you know that many people are thinking about you. I have no experience with pregnancy or miscarriage and my heart breaks for you and your family. I don’t know why terrible things happen to good people but I know that good things happen to good people,too. Thank you for sharing.
Julie, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I promise you, no matter who your rainbow baby turns out to be, they will help to heal your heart and the pain you are feeling now. You won`t be able to imagine life without them. I never knew if my second baby was a boy or a girl but a “friend” told me my baby “probably was a girl and I just can`t carry girls.” Her comment caused me a great deal of pain. I feared that if my rainbow baby was a second boy, I`d be haunted by her comment forever. I did have a second boy and when I found out I cried on and off for 10 weeks…knowing I was done having children and would never have a daughter. But then it stopped…and meeting my second son was the happiest day of my life. He is meant to be here with me. I am constantly asked (by friends and strangers) if we will try for a girl, or told that we “need a girl” It`s amazing to me that in 2017 the “perfect” family is considered a boy and a girl. No one can tell me my family isn`t perfect.
I can`t imagine the pain of a second miscarriage but have always wondered if there would be any comfort knowing both babies are together. I strongly believe you will be reunited with your babies one day and I wish for lots of joy for your family . Hugs
Sending so much love your way. We lost twins at 20 weeks and then we chose to not get any additional testing done and looking back I wish we did. I am at peace with knowing they are in a good place, but the ‘what ifs’ are always there, don’t beat yourself up over having those thoughts. Celebrate all the joy that Chase brings to your life and keep your spirit high. That little girl is lucky to have you as her mom. Thanks for sharing your raw emotions, it’s not done enough.
Dear Julie, IĀ“m sorry for your loss… You still have so much many of us will never have. I know pain and suffering arent a contest and this kind of thing is so personal and individiual . Many of us werent blessed to have a family or even a partner. Again, I know suffering is not a contest and if affects people in different ways. IĀ“m just sending another perspective for those who are suffering this kind of loss right now…. Try again, you have the gift of opportunity. Dont give up.
You are lovely, loving and loved… Never forget.
Hugs
Thank you for sharing your story with us – I’m so happy you have writing as an outlet (it’s one for me too), and I know that other women in a similar predicament will feel camaraderie and support reading your words. I’m so glad that you know that grief is non-linear and that there’s no “right” way to do it. I’m glad you’re giving yourself grace for however it unfolds for you.
“what ifs” are a normal, case-studied reaction to grief. They’re not unproductive, it’s actually a way for your psyche to process the trauma in bits and pieces. You’re experiencing just what you’re supposed to experience during grief. It’s not terribly fun, though. And I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Sending you so much love and many prayers while you go through this process. I’m so glad to see you heeding your instincts to write about or not write about whatever feels right at the moment. You will slowly work your way back to feeling better than you do now and you will eventually get back to what feels like more of yourself again. It’s a process. And we’re here for you. <3
Julie, my heart breaks for you and Ryan. I don’t comment often, but reading your blog has become part of my everyday life. I so so sorry that this happened to you. Please don’t stop being open, honest, and vulnerable. Your blog reaches out and touches the lives of so many people. I know that this isn’t the same, but I lost my 1 year old dog to a genetic brain and nervous system disorder two months ago. Reading about your experiences has brought me such comfort. I hope that reading these comments brings that same feeling to you.
I keep a journal of quotes that speak to me. After I was attacked the first time, there was this feeling of emptiness, almost hating my body or being disgusted by it, that I had never felt to that level before. I’ve never lost a baby and will never pretend to understand what that loss feels like. I lost something very important to me that night though, and I took a while for me to feel like me. For my smiles to be fully genuine, my life to feel “normal” again. A few quotes helped me, and I hope they may offer some comfort to you:
Albert Camus, “In the midst of winter, I found that there was, within me, an invincible summer.”
Romans 8:18, āI consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us.ā
ā
Matthew 28:20, “I am with you always, until the end of the age.”
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing! I love reading your blog. Not being able to have children I struggle to understand why but just gods plan for me was to be a great stepmom. Stay strong and trust in God! He now has another angel to help watch over your family. Thanks for all you do!
I was touched reading this, I feel us moms that have experienced miscarriage share a painful bond. My almost 6 week old is sleeping right now and as a I look at her, I often think of her twin that didn’t make it. I couldn’t find out the baby’s sex because it was too early for me to need a procedure done and it would have been too risky for my baby that made it. But I think she was a girl. My little angel. I am so thankful for my healthy baby girl but she will also always be a reminder of the one we lost. Don’t get me wrong, I mostly think about my love and excitement watching my little baby girl each day. And you will too one day. I’m glad you are sharing what you are really feeling, being real. My son would have loved to enjoy a farm this weekend, all we’ve heard about lately is he wants to see farm animals! Unfortunately we live in Florida and it’s way too hot. š
I haven’t read a post of yours in quite some time, I’m embarrassed to say. But this one tugged on my heart and I clicked it. I also had two miscarriages, and my second one was a little girl with turner sundrome. I HD a healthy almost 3 year old daughter at home at the time and now have another healthy little girl who just turned 4. I remember the phone call when my doctor shared the information vividly, and carry that little girl in my heart- just as You will. Please know that with time the pain does get easier- even if it never fades completely away. Let your loved ones help you and take all the time you need to heal- there is no expiration date on grief.
Wishing you all the best.
Oh sweetie. This was hard to read so I can only imagine how hard it was to write. And this is strange… but as I read I just knew it was a Turner girl. My second miscarriage was Turner. And like you, we didn’t want to know the sex but it was unavoidable because of the chromosomes… our first miscarriage was at 20 weeks, a boy. But this one came out of no where at 9 weeks. I could go on and on about the differences and how the two weren’t a pattern and how I was reassured multiple times that the odds of this happening again were so rare. They offered to do Karotype (sp?) testing on us to see the likelihood of it happening again but we decided to give it one more try without any further testing. It’s odd to know what happened, and know the reason, and know it happened at conception and there was absolutely nothing we did or didn’t do that caused the loss. Knowing the reason gave me the strength to move on and try again, and I hope it does the same for you. I am so sorry you’re going through this. If you ever want to email or have any questions don’t hesitate. š
A friend who recently had her second miscarriage in a row said the book,”Through the Eyes of a Lion” was very helpful in regards to loss of any kind.
Julie!
I can’t believe I am actually commenting on here. I have followed your blog for years and even though I have gone to comment in the past I never have, but today I read your post while breast feeding my rainbow baby and was sobbing with so much emotion for you. I have unfortunately been in your shoes and reading your post was like reliving my journey. I suffered 2 back to back miscarriages after giving birth to my now 3 year old boy. There just aren’t enough words to express the pain and longing for the babies you lost. After my second miscarriage my dr also decided we needed to “investigate” a bit and we found out that our baby was a boy and also had a major chromosomal abnormality that wasn’t compatible with life. Like you we had decided we did not want to know the sex but after slip up from he nurse we knew. Oh Julie there are just so many emotions that come with all of this and I just want you to know how sorry I am that you have to go through it. We also learned I had a clotting disorder and I started taking daily baby aspirin and here I am 18 months after our second miscarriage with a 7 month old baby boy. I really didn’t know why I was compelled to finally comment or if you will even read this but if you do…. know that you are not alone and everything you are feeling is normal and allowed! Allow yourself to grieve and be angry but also allow yourself to feel the joy that your wonderful life brings you daily. I’m sure I’m not alone when I say we all who follow you love you and are feeling with you!!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family….
You have such a way with words Julie. Your words really speak to me as I go through this journey as well.
Julie, I have followed your blog for several years and I can relate to what you’re going through. Due to my infertility, my husband and I went through numerous disappointments through fertility treatments and a miscarriage until I finally got pregnant through IVF with our son 4 years later. In fact, Chase and my son (Brady) are only a few days apart! I’m just so sorry you’re experiencing this pain right now and my heart really goes out to you. I wanted to share a podcast called Birds on a Wire / Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs as I think it might be comforting for you. Episode 63 is the one to check out. While I’ve not listened to this particular episode, I listen to this Podcast every week as it gives me tons of encouragement on navigating motherhood. I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful. http://birdsonawiremoms.com/wire-talk/
Wishing you only the best.
Realized my reference to our sons doesn’t make sense! My first son was born in 2012. My second son, Brady, was born on August 4, 2015. Oops!
Sending so much love your way. <3
I have not been through pregnancy loss, but I recently lost my older sibling- brother- in a car accident. He was the world to me and was young- 35. The grief journey is so tough. It’s been 6 months to the day and I find books/reading the most helpful for me. I have read about near death experiences, heaven/afterlife, and even books from The Long Island Medium about grief. There are SO many good books out there on grief/loss. I don’t know if this will bring you a little peace tonight, but Heaven is for Real was one of the books I read (which is also a movie I think). In it, the child has a near death experience and sees heaven while in a coma. He meets a sister he never knew he had. When out of the coma, he tells his mom at some point and she immediately knew it was the child she miscarried. She never knew it was a girl so this was also how she found out. It gave me goosebumps when I read that part in the book! A few other great books on loss in general include: Option B, Proof of Heaven, and The Shack. These are just a few though- there are plenty others too!
I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be really hard knowing the sex… like it is all more real. Allow yourself to grieve and take care of yourself.
This is a beautiful post! God has a purpose for relieving the sex of ya’ll’s baby. I am continuing praying of you guys!
Sending hugs to you. Thanks for being strong enough to share your story. Sorry for the loss of your baby girl.
Thank you for being brave enough to share such a deeply personal story. Your words are no doubt honoring your daughter and bringing forth even more purpose–allowing those who’ve experienced similar stories of loss to feel connected, supported, and a little less alone. Praying for you.
Beam Me Up is a beautiful song by Pink about a miscarriage. Be warned though, you will sob. I listened to it repeatedly after my loss last year until I couldn’t cry anymore.
I also wanted to say how strong you are and how incredible that you’ve created this safe space for women to open up, share their experiences, and help each other not feel so alone. Thank you for being so open and honest.
I read your blog post and all the comments over the last few hours. I’m so very sorry for everything that’s happening to you. Reading your post brings back so many memories with my first loss. I also lost a girl but it was much later in the pregnancy. I was young, I just got married and a new job. I thought everything was perfect. Come about 15 weeks into my pregnancy we get the dreaded news that our baby had no brain, just fluid. We held on for as much as we could…she stayed with us until 21 weeks. She had an opening on her back and fluid in her head. The doctors told us is it was spina bifida and had she made it she would’ve passed or been a vegetable for the rest of her life. You can imagine how I was feeling hearing this news. In the following weeks the most hurtful things that was happening were people’s comments. My parents and inlaws, especially, gave us a really hard time. They come from other countries (my parents from Argentina, and my inlaws from Romania). They have different ideas on how to deal with grief. We waited a long time until we tried again. I had to go on prescription folic acid but even still there was always a chance of it happening again. Everyone thought we were crazy. I remember going on a message board for Moms and although I got really great advice and support from most Moms but there was one comment that threw me off for a while. One thing that stands out was right after I lost her I went crying in my parents house, everyone was then pressuring us to end our marriage and I believed that my husband would leave me under the pressure. I couldn’t bare losing both my husband and my baby. Just then he shows up with a teddy bear and a can a soup. I remember everything from that day. That’s the day we decided we would wait and try again. Then came my 3 beautiful boys, truly a blessing. People that see us now, all happy and laughing together have no idea about the nightmare we went through. After our boys were born, our parents pretty much forgot about everything that happened before and became nice again. Reading through your post and the comments reminds me that women should be there to support each other. It doesn’t matter where we came from or who we are. We are all women, some of us mothers and wives. We all have the some of the same worries and fears. I think speaking about this out in the open is beneficial because it really helps ease the hurt. Also some of the comments made me cry! It’s almost like we are all sitting down together and sharing our feelings with each other. I came here to read about the Orlando Science Center and came out with so much more. I’m glad I stuck around a bit to read up on your life Julie. {hugs}
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Julie. I do hope that writing about your feelings is helping you…I know that it’s helping others. Thank you for being so open during this difficult time.