Grief and joy can coexist.
(Source)
Through sadness, heartbreak, grief and pain, we can still feel joy. At first it may seem impossible but somehow we pick ourselves back up and we smile again. We laugh again. We remember the little things in life that make us happy and focus on including more of that in our lives.
Grief does not have a timeline. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Finding joy can take a long, long time. But sometimes, in the midst of seemingly never-ending tears, a smile will sneak up on you in the middle of nowhere.
When your dog rests her sleepy head on your belly… The place where you feel most empty.
When your toddler walks over and gives you an open-mouthed kiss on the lips for the first time.
When you come home to find a care basket on your doorstep from some of your closest friends.
When you hear stories of hope from people who have walked in your shoes before.
When you realize just how much the people you love in your life care about you and feel your pain right along with you.
When someone tells you it’s okay to hurt and cry but promises you the pain will somehow lessen overtime, even if it never fully subsides.
It has been a just over a week since Ryan and I learned we would never hold our baby in our arms. A hard week, an emotional week but, somehow, a week that also included small moments of joy and laughter.
Over the course of the past eight days, I sometimes feel like I am trapped under a cloud but other times I feel a sense of normalcy because even in the moments when I feel like my life is on hold – like the whole world is running full-speed ahead and I am standing still – I am reminded that there is no pause button in life. Whether we’re ready or not, life moves on and I don’t want to miss the unbelievably good moments that come in the tiny everyday things.
I don’t want to miss laughing when Chase tries his hardest to jump off the ground when, in reality, it kind of looks like he’s twerking. I don’t want to miss noticing the beautiful sunny 65-degree weather we had in Charlotte yesterday. I don’t want to miss the feeling of comfort I find when I place my head on Ryan’s chest at the end of a long day. I don’t want to miss the peace I feel in my heart when Sadie sighs and falls asleep curled up next to my stomach.
I know I cannot wish, will or pray away my grief and, to be honest, while I believe and hope time will help heal my heart, I want to feel every ounce of sadness I am feeling right now because in some way it makes me feel closer to my baby.
When the tears come, I let them. But when joy and laughter bubbles up, I’m not ignoring it.
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I so wish I had the words to say to you during this hard time. I can’t imagine all the emotions, but I know your little babe and your grandma are in heaven looking down on you. They are there to protect you and your babe knows you provided the best home for him/her while you could! <3 <3
thank you, heather <3 <3
Julie,
Just wanted you to know I am sorry for your loss. The pain is real but I’m glad you are finding joy through it all. I have 2 kids but have had 2 miscarriages, one a couple months ago so I definitely can relate to your pain. Hope you are recovering ok after your d and c. May God bless and comfort you!
no comment will make it any easier – but if i can say anything it is thank you. thank you for being so open and so raw with this situation as it does and will help people going through the same terrible journey. It is hard to watch the world keep moving and for people to move on when for you it feels like that will never happen. I lost a sibling who was 5 months old- my parents first child -and my mom always said it was so hard to not feel hurt and angry that people were able to move on and continue when her world was shattering around her. Please know know you aren’t alone. Feel those feelings. Cry – Smile – Laugh – Sob – you have the right to handle this situation any way you choose. I am here to say that it does get easier with time. You will ALWAYS love this baby and will always have a bond with this baby! Hugs and Prayers to you and your family.
I find a strange comfort in the saying “grief is the price you pay for love”. It is sad but true and in that sense I would never want to be without love. Both giving and receiving it and if grief is something I must endure to have love then that is the way it must be.xxx
Such a beautiful post <3 I agree wholeheartedly.
I also think that amidst the pain that comes along with grief, there is also the beautiful ability to understand how others experiencing similar things may feel (whether now or in the future), and being able to be a comfort and ray of hope. In my experience, so many people have felt the need to be ashamed of feeling grief or sadness, but when these emotions can be shared, it creates such a wonderful bond.
Thinking of you and Ryan and praying for your family <3.
I agree with this so much. Sometimes the hardest moments in our lives help bond us to others who have felt a similar pain. Truthfully, the conversations I’ve had with women who have experienced miscarriage before have been so incredibly helpful to me and while I hate that so many others have been here before, I am so grateful for these women who have opened up to me, shown me so much love and support and helped give me hope.
I hope you realize how much you have already given to so many through sharing all of this! I am not yet a mother, but last year THREE of my co-workers had miscarriages. THREE! The sad part was, no one knew about any of these until the third person shared her experience openly. Only then did others start sharing their experiences. I know this doesn’t take away any ounce of the pain you and Ryan are feeling, but know that you are already an incredible source of strength and comfort for others.
I very much agree with this mindset. I think its amazing that God allows us to see the joy during our hardest moments in life and that truly can be a gift in our darkest moments. I hope you feel the peace that only God can give you while you work through these emotions. Thank you for sharing such a hard time with us; you are helping so many others out there. I’m praying for you, Julie <3 I put your name on our church prayer list <3
Julie- this is absolutely beautiful. Your angel baby is already having an impact far beyond what you could ever imagine because of your vulnerability and willingness to be transparent. Praying for you and your family in this time. Keep on keeping on❤️❤️❤️
Julie- My heartfelt condolences to you. It was very brave of you to share such a personal loss.
My questions is: how is Ryan doing? Could you do a blog on how men feel when their wife losses a baby? Obviously, the Mom is devastated, but I am just curious if the Dad gets the time and “space” to grieve the loss. Not from their wife, but from society? Does that make sense?
That’s a really interesting question, Karen. I have heard from a few friends that in the moments when I am feeling stronger and in less pain (I had an early miscarriage 3 weeks ago) to ask my husband how he is doing. I’ve heard that the sadness/grief can hit men in different ways and often farther down the road than the 1st few days/weeks when the mother is in physical and emotion shock. I think it has to do with a “fight or flight” instinct – when one person is physically and emotionally in pain/empty, the other partner “steps up” to take care of life and the other person. I felt the reverse of this when my husband’s mom passed away; I felt terrible grief and sadness but my “role” in the grieving process was different from his immediately and then over time – providing support, taking care of appointments/travel plans, and nourishing our family.
With miscarriage/pregnancy loss, I think the same thing could be true and I would be curious to ask my husband now, a few weeks out, how he is doing and processing. I have to imagine that, like the grief a women feels, it would be hard to categorize all partners’ responses the same way but I do think it’s an interesting question that you bring up. The internet is full of great articles that outline the clinical response/grieving stages of pregnancy loss for women, but I haven’t done the same research for the partner.
Julie – I know this is like my 11th comment in 3 posts but I just want to say thank you again for sharing what you are sharing here. Like how I felt when my husband lost his mom, I felt like I had become a member of this sad group, very similar to the sad sorority of pregnancy loss. As you have seen through your friends, you are not alone and through your love and your words, I believe you will pay it forward some day to the next friend/woman in your life who confides something similar to you. Clearly, in less than one week, you’ve done this through your blog. We are not alone, our feelings and grief are not linear but they are valid. Thank you for sharing your heart. You just never know who is reading now or who might be reading in a few weeks/months/years who will find strength in your words. xoxo
you said this perfectly regarding the way i think many men may handle the grief that comes with miscarriage, molly. thank you for sharing your perspective. i do feel like ryan has stepped into the role of the “rock” right now, but is absolutely grieving as well.
thank you for asking. he is doing okay… he took a few days off last week following my d&c which i think was really helpful since he didn’t have to act like nothing happened at work. honestly, we talk about how everything is going for him after work every day and i’ve been grateful to learn that he has been selectively open with a few close coworkers who have sadly experienced a similar loss. i think talking with other men (not just women) who have experienced the loss has been helpful for him. ryan said everything seemed to hit him all at once in the couple of days after my d&c. i think before then, he was really in the “rock” role and felt like he had to be strong for me. it’s definitely a one day at a time thing for us right now. i’ve honestly been really moved by how kind people have been and how many people have directly reached out to ryan as well because, like you said, i think a lot of times women get the most support.
Hi Julie,
My heart has been aching for you over the past few days. I know I had a hard time accepting joy at the same time as grieving at first. In 2015, I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks like you and then my father passed away about 4 months after my D&C. And, the grief was suffocating. But, like you mention, it IS possible to find joy at the same time. My then almost two year old made me smile daily. And, I also found joy 2 months after my father passed when I found out I was pregnant again. Feeling joy while grieving a loss does not take away any significance from that loss. I still missed the little bean that wouldn’t be (and I still do 1.5 years later), but the grief has a way of fading (always there, but less intense) and the joy of good memories and every day moments become brighter. Time heals the heart, but we never forget. Wishing you all the best, and hoping that your joy outweighs your grief soon.
ashley
Your writing is so beautiful & full of Grace <3 Been thinking of you <3 JOY is one of my favorite word… so this post spoke to me. xo
Your words about your experience have been so beautiful, raw, and vulnerable. I wish I had been able to read them when I had my miscarriage – they would have helped tremendously! You are doing so much good by sharing so openly.
I do not personally know what you are going through, but I have had several friends with the same experience. I am so sorry for your loss. Find joy and happiness in the little things when possible. I am a strong believer that everything absolutely happens for a reason. There is a bigger plan for us than the one we have made for ourselves. Life’s ups and downs make us who we are and make use stronger because of those experiences. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
your posts are beautiful and thank you so much for sharing. I too had a miscarriage and dnc before my first child and also had an ectopic pregnancy before my second sweet baby who just turned 15 months. It’s so hard to move on and find peace after loss that feels so hard to understand but you are so right there is joy in the small moments. Hold those that you love tight and before you know it the smiles and laughter will out number the tears. Good luck to you and your beautiful family.
So sorry for your loss. The words are trite and overused, I know, but they are true. I am so very, very sorry.
Dear Julie…..I have been a daily reader of your blog for some time now. But I don’t believe I’ve ever commented. I enjoy your posts and as others have also said…your writing style. What originally drew me in was Sadie ( I am a Weimaraner mom 🙂 ).
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I could not imagine what you are going through. And I mean that in the realist way. When I was 12 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (almost unheard of at that age). I hadn’t surgery to remove a very large ovarian tumor……and at that time the team of doctors ultimately decided to do a complete hysterectomy (uterus, ovaries and tubes). The cancer was too aggressive to take the risk. That was 22 years ago to date……February 1, 1995. While I am grateful to be cancer-free for so long and to have survived, what I am missing out on is undeniable.
I know you don the need a stranger to tell you how lucky you are, and I don’t mean to share my story as a way to diminish your pain…..not at all. But an emphasis on blessing some never hurt…..you are a wonderful mother to a beautiful boy and will someday add to your awesome family! You are in my thoughts
You share so beautifully and give so much by doing so. Reading your words today made me feel comforted and reminded of the preciousness of each moment. Thank you!! Sending hugs and love your way.
I have had you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. While I have not had the experience you have, I have had loss. I lost my sister last August and I had a hard time coping. I lost my nephew, her oldest son, this weekend. I now realize that my sister gave me a gift when she passed. You see, my nephew had been deployed to Hawaii for 3 years. If she hadn’t passed, it would have been 3 years since I was able to see him face to face. I was able to hug him six months ago when he was allowed to come to her service and I wish I would have held him just a bit longer. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. One year ago, on February 8, we lost our first baby too. I write this as I nurse our beautiful three week old rainbow baby. We are so blessed! Allow yourself to grieve, but please know there are better days ahead and you’re so right – you don’t want them to go by without enjoying them. It’s a hard balance you won’t get right every day, but you’ll get there. Thinking of you!
thank you stephanie. and congratulations on your precious 3-week old! <3
I will be praying for you today, Julie. God has a plan for you and your family.
Julie, I haven’t commented yet but wanted to say thank you for being so honest. Thank you for talking about this. I had a miscarriage and d&c prior to having my now 2 year old. It was very isolating for me because we decided not to share with anyone that we were trying and then did not let many people know we lost a baby. I wish I had the courage to discuss the pain I was feeling at the time because it made the healing process harder. Continue to keep your head up and feel everything you need to feel right now. God has a plan for you… it’s hard to remember this when we are in pain but He knows what is next and this is all part of the plan. Again, thank you.
I am sending Positive and good vibes your way! So glad Sadie and Chase are bringing joy to you throughout this time 🙂
I am in awe of your ability to so eloquently describe your experience with your pregnancy loss. I am so, so, so grateful you’re sharing your story. You are creating a beautiful thing out of such tragedy – your willingness to talk openly will help so many others in similar situations. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is very well written and spot on! My prayers continue to go up for you and your family. I am sending big hugs to you!
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful sentiments with us. Keep grieving, but also keep sharing- we are all here for you.
My post-miscarriage baby is almost 8 and while I do still remember the pain and grief of that time, and I revisit it in my heart each November (and we have an angel ornament for our tree) and at the same time I have to be “happy” it happened because otherwise my son would not be here, but what I do mourn all these years later, and it seems so trivial and petty and I get a little embarrassed thinking this, is that I really, really wanted kids 2 grades apart. They are 3 grade apart, 2 years 7 months and that spacing is fine, but me and my brother are 5 years apart and I always wished we were closer in age. Had I not miscarried, the kids would have been 21 months apart instead of 30. The town we live in has many, many schools (ie the kids go through 5 schools between K and 12) which means my kids won’t be in the same school until she is a senior and he is a freshman. I think it would have been nice to have them in the same school. But like i said, just very trivial – we all pick different things to be sad about. I don’t know how my mom went on after having 6 miscarriages (1 before my brother and 5 between us, hence the 5 year gap – and in that 5 year gap she also lost both her parents). We chose not to try to get pregnant right away – because I was 13 weeks, I wanted to give my body time, and like I said, I wanted kids 2 grades apart and that no longer was going to happen so I was in no rush (even though I was 37 when the miscarriage happened) – we waited 7 months.
Tears, laughter, there are no right and wrong emotions. Healing comes in lots of different ways.
❤️
I am so sorry for you Julie, my heart hurts for your family. Praying for peace during this time and healing. Love you guys!
I have been reading your blog for years and although I have never commented before, I wanted to let you know that I am so very sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies myself, both within 6 months of each other, so the pain and grief that you are experiencing sounds all too familiar. About a year ago, I remember being in my deepest, darkest moment, thinking that I can’t remember what it is like to feel happy and wishing that I could fast forward through the next 6-9 months and be at a place where I am okay emotionally…. but while I never figured out how to fast forward my life, what I learned along the way is that I wouldn’t be where I am today (the happiest I have ever been and 25 weeks pregnant) if I hadn’t gone through those 6-9 months that I so desperately wanted to fast forward through. “The only way out is through” is a quote that rings true to me – you have to go through the pain and grief, to come out on the other side. You will (and already have) learn so much from this devastating experience and while you will never fully “get over it”, it is part of your story. And sharing your story is such a huge step toward healing, so give yourself a ton of credit for that! It is hard to open up and be vulnerable, but I found that in sharing my story, I slowly was allowing myself to heal… and in my healing process, I had so many women reach out to me to share their stories with me. It creates a dialogue and I think that is so important. Some day when you are looking into the eyes of your next baby, you will remember your baby in Heaven and make amends with your loss and what it taught you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
thank you for sharing your story with me, molly. i’m so sorry for your losses. i am so happy to hear you are happy now and 25 weeks pregnant! congratulations to you and prayers for a healthy pregnancy and delivery.
Julie, I am so proud of the way you are being open, and accepting of your feelings and embracing the tears. I think that is so healthy, and so admirable. I think the subject of miscarriage tends to get brushed under the rug, but talking about it and not letting it be that pink elephant in the room is so important! Continual hugs and well wishes headed your way from AR!
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. This post really speaks to the truth of how we grieve. It can be all-consuming, but over time joy does mix in, until there is more joy than grief. For me, through one miscarriage and 4 years of (on-going) infertility, I have found that it is cathartic to talk about my feelings with people, especially those who have experienced this. No one ever wants to join this “club,” but I hope knowing that you are not alone in this journey is a little bit reassuring. Just take it day by day and allow yourself to grieve and cry.
Thank you for writing this beautiful post. I am sure it will minister to many. I remember the comfort of a “me too”. We lost our precious baby to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was so surprised to find out how many close friends had dealt with the very same loss. Prayers as you move thru the days to come.
i love the way you said this — even though i feel horrible every time i hear from someone who has gone through this, there is odd comfort in the “me too,” especially when i still see them smiling — a perfect example of strength and hope. i’m so sorry for your loss, yolanda. <3
Thank you, Julie. Our loss was two years ago in October and still you expressing sympathy for our loss just about made me ugly cry. Hugs for you, sweet girl
Perfectly said. I wrote this two years ago after suffering a late miscarriage. I absolutely believe you can find joy in the pain.
http://kansashammerschmidts.blogspot.com/2015/02/finding-joy-amidst-pain.html?m=1
your words are so beautiful. thank you for sharing this post with me. <3
I’m so sorry to hear this terrible news. I’m trying hard not to cry as my heart breaks for you. I have a 13 month old boy so have always followed your blog with keen interest through your pregnancy and chase’s milestones. I too am now feeling ready to get pregnant again and can’t imagine your grief.
You have such a wonderful attitude and are truly beautiful both inside and out. You are a real inspiration to me and I send you lots of good wishes knowing you will continue to find joy in life and family, however things turns out. But I do wish your next baby is happy and healthy just as we all wish xxx
thank you, andrea <3 <3
I wanted to comment but on your last post but I have an 8 week old who just had his first vaccinations (clingy and sleepy baby).
I am one of the many women who have experienced pregnancy loss- I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was 30 and a miscarriage at 31. Both of those experiences were so hard but they made me a stronger person. They also made my husband and me even more of a team- we already had a string marriage but going through that together really solidified our relationship. It does get better. It is hard and the loss will be with you always but that just reflects how important this is.
Like I said, I now have an 8 week old son. I didn’t know if I could go through pregnancy after what happened (both the ectopic and miscarriage were complicated- long long stories!). But I knew with the support of my husband, friends and family, I could survive whatever else happened. I am so grateful I had that support or else I might not have this beautiful boy. Family and friends will see you through whatever happens- now or in the future! All the best to you and your family- take care of yourself!
There aren’t two better words to describe my parenthood journey than “grief and joy”. My first pregnancy was identical twin girls. We were thrilled. That was going to be our family. Us and our two girls. When one of our twins passed away at 2 days old, we had to grieve our baby and the picture of the family that we had spent so much time looking forward to (two cribs, matching outfits, lifelong best friends) but also find joy in the baby we still had. Fast forward 6 years, and we now have 3 beautiful, wonderful children who make our lives so complete, and two of those children are only here because of that terrible loss. There has been plenty of grief, but the joy far outweighs it. Wishing you lots of love and strength during this time.
jenn, i am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. thank you for sharing your incredibly moving story with me. you help give me hope and your strength is truly inspiring. i am so, so glad the joy you have in your life is so plentiful and hope your happiness only continues to grow with your three wonderful children. <3
Julie, I find myself continuing to think of your family over the past few days. I remember well the feelings of those first few weeks after my miscarriage. The empty feeling, the extreme low moments, and the moments of joy that sometimes just make you cry too. I broke down sobbing when someone offered me a cocktail because I really wanted one but I hadn’t been drinking for the past few months and having one made it seem so over. Something as silly as a cocktail! Our mind is funny like that. Keep finding the joy in each day.
On valentine’s day last year we learned we were pregnant again. I didn’t believe it. It wasn’t until I was about 15 weeks that I truly accepted it. I kept ‘protecting’ myself incase we lost another one. I feel like I missed out a little on the early excitement because of that. Try hard to push through that with your next pregnancy, accept it, and find joy in the early days rather than fear for the worst. It will be hard to do but worth it. I cried and feared for the worst with each of my first few ultrasounds worried that moment would come back when they said our baby had stopped growing. It was terrifying. But my sweet baby girl was born in October and she is everything.
Thinking of you and wishing you laughter through the sorrow.
My heart aches for you Julie. I hope each new day brings a little more joy and hope for the future.
Seeing that a friend delivered you a care basket melted my heart. I’m so happy you are surrounded by so much love and support during a difficult time in your life. And I’m also happy you are trying to still recognize joy, as hard as it may be at times. You are a very strong woman – thank you for sharing all of your thoughts and feelings.
It’s been a few months for me since going through my own miscarriage and life is much brighter now than it was then. It hurts so much but the strength and love I get from my husband helped me through that incredibly painful time.
When I lost my mom 5 years ago, she was in hospice the last few days while she was in a coma. All my family gathered together and we spent many hours that week spending time together. I remember feeling guilty one evening because we were playing a board game in the room next to where my mom was and I remember laughing hard at something my uncle said while we were playing monopoly. I felt guilty for having fun and for enjoying myself while I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. God knew I needed those moments because the next few years were the lowest and darkest times of my life.
Embrace the love from your family and from all of us who feel for you and want only the best for you in life. <3
You have written about this painful time so beautifully – I just want you to know that there are some of us who seldom comment but are wishing you nothing but healing and comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Long time reader, first time commenter. I also miscarried two years ago. A friend, also an OBGYN, reminded me that you have to come off those pregnancy hormones, which contributes to the depression and sadness. This is in no way minimizing your feelings – but understand that hormones are also at work. Hug your baby and your husband, and it will get better.
Miscarriages are so common. Thank you for contributing to the destigmatization.
Yes sweet Julie…give yourself time and space. There is no handbook….when my mother died three years ago I just kept thinking–and still do believe–how lucky am I to have loved her so much that I grieve her loss every day. The way I grieve changes, not as many tears–more happy thoughts about her and our family. The price of love is loss. Blessings to you.
You are doing so, so well. That’s great your letting yourself feel all the emotions- because it’s ok that they coexist and it’s a good thing! I lost both of my parents in the past five years and I’ve learned a ton about grief. The advice I always give is that there is no “right” way to feel or “right” time- just feel what you want, when you want and don’t fight it. That you’ve already got figured out. Hang in there!
Beautifully said! When going through hard times people have asked me how I still have joy. I always tell them my joy comes from the Lord! I have a peace in Him beyond what I can even understand! That doesn’t mean I do not hurt or feel sadness just like you are describing but it does mean that by God’s Grace we can have that joy and hurt at the same time! Praying for you lovely!
Beautifully said! <3
Your words are coming at such a perfect time for me… thank you for this amazing post. Grief and joy… helps so much to remember that they actually *can* coexist. love you!
I am so very sorry for your loss and I am grateful that you felt open enough to share your pain. I hope it will help others who are walking the same path. I know that the pain will always be a part your experience and I hope you will choose the joyful path rather than descend into bitterness. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through; you’ve lovingly and eloquently processed your experience through your words here, and it will not only help you, but scores of readers. Still always praying for you and sending you healing during this difficult time. <3
Writing IS a very therapeutic experience (it's actually been studied and proven), and I'm so glad you have this ritual to carry you through this (in whatever you write for yourself and keep to yourself, and whatever you share here.) I've also learned through my own periods of intense grief, that art can also help shift and process it. Painting, clay, crafts, writing, drawing, singing, writing songs/poems, all of these things help. None of them change it, but they shift it. Grief is non-linear, so it will give you the right sized bits to process when you're able to process them. It's bittersweet to see so many people in the comments section share themselves and their stories, but it helps you, and each other, process more of that grief. And I'm so glad you have the community of this place to help you "through" (as someone above said, "the only way out is through".)
Sending you prayers still, and that more joy starts riding alongside your grief.
First I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I know you already know this, but you are not alone on what has happened. I went thru the same thing at 12 weeks pregnant (d&c and all) and it takes time to heal. I lost what would have been our first baby and it took me some time to be ready, not scared, to try to have another. I finally did get pregnant again and the day I found out was actually the due date of what would have been our first. April 21 will always have a place in my heart. Grieve as you need and don’t be afraid to try for another baby when the time is right for you and your husband!
I can’t even imagine how you are feeling but I hope you are finding the joy in everyday. Wishing you lots of snuggles with Sadie, lots of kisses with Chase, and the love and support from Ryan. This blogging world is also so amazing in times of need. We love you and I find myself thinking about you and others that I know have lost a baby throughout the day <3