Thank you all so much for your comments, messages and emails following Tuesday’s blog post. Your words mean a lot to me and I found myself, yet again, agreeing with so much of what you said, fighting back tears until they flowed freely and hanging onto the hope you’ve repeatedly given to me during this time. Thank you.
An anonymous commenter left a comment on my blog that she found helpful following two miscarriages and I’ve found myself thinking about the quote she shared over and over again.
“Stop worrying about what can go wrong, and get excited about what can go right.”
While grief obviously includes sadness, worry and pain, this quote was like a breath of fresh air for me to read. It might not have been a great one to read the day of or even the week after our loss but now, a few weeks later (whoa), I found myself loving the quote and the perspective it shares.
I feel like, in general, I am an optimistic person who believes in the good and tries very hard to make the best of the bad. After I read this quote, I couldn’t help but wonder why I’ve been letting myself focus so much on the fears and anxiety and sadness I have surrounding our losses and our future hopes for a baby when the future could very well hold some incredible and amazing things. (Note: I DO think it’s necessary to allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel – sadness, worry, anger, pain, etc. when you’re grieving and I absolutely have – but I was also ready to read this quote and feel some hope and take in a new perspective on Tuesday.)
If I believe the future will hold amazing things – and I do – why shouldn’t that get some of my attention, too? Even if I don’t know what our future will look like right now, I want to get back to feeling 100 percent excited about my current life because it’s wonderful and I want to feel hopeful and excited about my future life because I believe it will be wonderful as well… No matter what.
When I woke up yesterday morning, I thought about this quote and tried my best to shift my perspective going into the day. I made myself breakfast – a rather pitiful looking egg white and oatmeal protein pancake with spirulina (hence the green) and hemp seeds – and sat down at my computer to reply to your emails. (I feel like I am taking for-ev-er to respond to you guys because your emails are so incredible but I am reading them and feeling so grateful for each and every one, so thank you so much for sending them my way.)
I downed a cup of coffee with collagen and whole milk as I was making my pancake, so I served my pancake with a cup of iced green tea for a little variety.
Not long after Ryan was off to work, Chase was up for the day and ready for action. We ate breakfast together (one of his beloved whole wheat pumpkin muffins for each of us) and then drew a billion pictures on the new easel my mother-in-law sent our way for Chase’s second birthday.
The Gimilife wooden easel is, without a doubt, the biggest birthday gift success for Chase this year and he makes me laugh a million times a day when he drags me over to the easel, tells me “Mama sit! Guess!” and wants me to guess what pictures he’s drawing.
It’s hilarious to me because he has such confidence in his drawings and even though they look nothing like a boat or a whale or an airplane, he’ll finish his drawings, point to them and tell me exactly what he drew in a way that tells me he thinks it’s obvious and there’s no way anyone could not decipher his toddler scribbles.
Eventually we made it out the door and headed off to Burn Boot Camp. I wasn’t really in the mood to work out but knew getting myself out of the house and getting those endorphins flowing would be a good thing.
We did an athletic conditioning workout (code for tons of cardio!) and it was a sweaty one.
I took some time to foam roll before picking Chase up from childcare and left the gym feeling better than I have in a while. Oh the beauty of a good workout!
I had plans for a play date with my friend Laura after the gym so Chase and I ate a quick snack in the car before heading over to her house. Chase had a great time playing with his friend Lily and I loved catching up with Laura and cuddling her sweet three-week-old baby boy. Laura is one of my closest friends in the area and I truly could not feel more grateful for the incredible girlfriends I have in Charlotte right now.
A handful of you have noticed that many of my friends are pregnant right now (or just had their second babies) and four of us were actually due within a month and a half of each other when I was pregnant with the first baby we lost. My girlfriends here have been nothing short of amazingly compassionate and kind and I’ve actually been surprisingly okay during their pregnancies. (Becoming pregnant again in June certainly helped… until it didn’t.)
Right now is probably the toughest time for me to be surrounded by babies and beautifully pregnant women only because the due date for the first baby we lost is rapidly approaching (it’s this Saturday) and our second loss is so new. This may not make sense, but even though my heart is heavy, somehow being with my friends – even if they are very pregnant or cuddling a newborn – is easier for me than staying away because they are all so thoughtful, kind and understanding and have allowed me to cry when I needed to cry and provided me with love and support when I needed that, too. I’ve also found comfort in talking with a few of my friends who understand the pain of miscarriage. Speaking so publicly about our losses has allowed me to connect with people in my personal life who I never knew experienced this pain (four of my friends here have experienced a miscarriage and one has experienced two losses after her first child like me).
Good girlfriends are tough to find and I’m grateful I found some amazing ones who are not only here for me during good times but are extra wonderful during the bad times. Without my friends, I would’ve been alone during my D&C because Ryan would’ve had to watch Chase. I would’ve spent the morning after my D&C crying by myself but I spent it crying with them instead. I would not have found four women who have been where I’ve been to talk to in person about the pain of miscarriage.
I know this is quite a tangent but since I receive regular comments on the fact that I’m surrounded by so many pregnancies, I wanted to address it briefly because although, yes, the timing of some of their pregnancies remind me daily of what we lost, their friendships have given me so, so much and I’m very grateful for these women in my life. It’s not always easy, but they make it okay when it’s hard.
And now back to our day…
Chase and I said goodbye to Laura and her little ones a little after noon and headed home for lunch and Chase’s nap. While he slept, I took a shower, did some dinner prep and began typing up this blog post, not sure where it was going to go but rolling with the punches, nonetheless. (I didn’t really see it becoming a recap of our day but here we are.)
Chase was up a couple hours later and we spent the rest of the afternoon at home. Initially I planned to meet up with a friend at Gymboree but when Chase seemed content to draw on his easel, “help” me cook in the kitchen, play with Sadie, read books and dance around in his diaper, I took that as a cue to stay home.
Sometimes it’s easy to go, go, go with Chase because he loves getting out of the house and expending energy but sometimes an afternoon at home with just the two of us is good for the soul. He reminds me that things like cuddling up on the couch and reading book after book, dancing together in the kitchen and coloring are the big (and right now healing) things in life.
I loved our quiet (well, not really quiet… more like simple) afternoon together so much.
Ryan arrived home around 6:30 p.m. and after dinner, we bathed Chase and played around upstairs (he looooves building “forts” in our bed right now) before it was time for bed.
Once Chase was settled in his crib, Ryan and I curled up on the couch to watch Big Brother, our absolute favorite show (and total guilty pleasure) of the moment. I’m not sure what made us begin watching this show for the first time last season (season 18!) but I’m glad we discovered this ridiculousness because it makes us laugh and we get waaay too into it.
I had a little trouble falling asleep last night (not unusual) but thankfully once I drifted off, I slept hard and it was much needed.
I’m not sure what the day ahead holds for us – likely library story time, the gym and hopefully plenty of time outside – but I am planning to enjoy it because of the awesome two-year-old I get to call my tiny best friend. (That sounds cheesy, I know. But right now I need some cheese.)
I hope you guys have a great Thursday and thanks so much for stopping by the blog today.
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This quote made my morning! Praying for good things for all of us.
I’m so glad you liked it, too, Courtney. I could absolutely see how it could not be the best quote to read at certain times but when you’re looking for hope and another perspective, I think it’s such a breath of fresh air. I am still sad, scared and angry but I also want to focus on the GOOD things in my life and the GOOD things I believe we will have in our future, even if I have no idea what our future will really look like at the moment. <3
What a beautifully written blog post Julie….thank you for your thoughts and allowing your story to be heard by us….it is much appreciated.
Thank you so much, Vera. I know you’ve been reading for years and I always, always appreciate your kind comments. <3
Continuing to pray for you <3 All your posts are so beautifully written, your words just flow 🙂 I also enjoy all the pictures of Chase– he's so cute!
Your comment and your prayers mean a lot to me. Thank you, Katie!
I was hoping the poop face picture was going to be in this post ha! I definitely laughed when I saw your Instagram story about it. I’m glad to hear that you are slowly feeling better and looking towards the positive things God has in store for your future while also letting yourself grieve. Have a great day Julie 🙂
Haha!! I figured that picture was better left on IG Stories where it can disappear and not haunt Chase for eternity. 🙂
That quote carried me through my whole (very scary) pregnancy! After infertility, miscarriage & a failed IVF…I needed to focus on what WILL go right! The power of positive thinking. It can’t hurt. I’m sorry you’re hurting and my heart aches right along with you. Good things will come for you. I just know it! Hang in there…
Oh Julie, such a perfect quote! I definitely needed to see it this morning, thank you for always sharing so much of you with us.
Love that quote!! You write so beautifully, Julie.
And that poop face picture you shared yesterday was HILARIOUS! He is such a handsome little boy 🙂
Praying for you everyday.
I am still so sorry that you are going through this again, but it makes me so happy to see how much you are enjoying your time with your friends, Ryan, and especially Chase. He seems like such a sweet little boy that could always bring a smile to your face! You are so blessed to have such wonderful girlfriends and a great husband and a wonderful son and I hope you know how much people like me that have been reading your blog for years admire you (from afar!) and wish the best for you. I have really enjoyed reading about the life you have built and hope to continue building one of my own as I get married this fall. I know I’ve never met you, but you just seem like such a wonderful person and I hope you know that!
Such a sweet comment — thank you, Allison. And CONGRATS to you on your engagement. I hope your wedding is amazing and that you have a wonderful marriage with your groom-to-be. <3
That is so wonderful that you a good support system there. Hope your days keep getting better!
Hi Julie. I am so sorry about your losses. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Wondering if you’ve thought about going to talk to someone, especially a counselor who specializes in perinatal mental health. It could be more beneficial than you can even imagine (from my experience!). Hugs.
Love that quote <3 My m/c was a little over a month ago and I've been trying to focus on the good too. It's so easy to get caught up in the bad, but my wild and snuggly 2 year old does a good job of reminding me jar I have so much to be thankful for and excited about. And what is it with not being able to sleep lately? I think nighttime is when I really can be alone with my thoughts and think about the baby we lost, so it's hard. Hang in there xoxo
That! Not jar 🙂
Yes for the cheese, yes for finding beauty in pictures and running around without pants. I can completely relate to the need to grieve, but also to know there is good around us and so many loved ones to support us in our ups and downs.
It’s always good to have a great support system through really tough times. Especially when you’re so far away from family. I also live away from my family and best friends so hard times can be really tough without a good friend there to help you through it. I’m so happy to hear your days are getting better!
Side question (sorry it’s off topic), but is that a step stool Chase is standing on in the picture of him seasoning the vegetables? I’m in search of one and it looks like that has a back on it. 🙂
I hope your day today is just as great as yesterday, if not better! 🙂
So many encouraging words! Thank you so much for opening up about your life and struggles. I know how hard it must be but I also know it is helpful to so many readers like me. Keep it up, Girl!
I love your positivity. Its contagious! Thank you for sharing!
I love the honesty and transparency that you bring to your blog — it makes you so relatable and your blog so refreshing to read!
Thanks to you – and the fellow commenter – for sharing that quote. I wish I would have read that during my pregnancy. My social circle is filled with healthy pregnancies, safe deliveries, and happy kids, but there is a lot of tragedy there too. Just about everything has been experienced. Between all that and my already anxious nature, I didn’t really let myself feel the full joy of pregnancy. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s helpful to have that reminder to change focus.
We are also on the Big Brother train this summer. My husband and I don’t watch each summer but it’s been must-see TV this year. After unexpectedly saying goodbye to our sweet dog last month, we’ve found it to be just the right kind of entertainment to get wrapped up in.
Thanks again for sharing and opening up your heart for so many to see.
I love that quote! Yesterday I saw this…”Start with what you have, not with what you want.” hugs!
I love that!!! Focusing on gratitude is so important and something I really do try to do every day. Love this quote! Thank you for sharing!
Good friends make all the difference when you’re going through a tough spot. They can be so thoughtful and willing to listen, even if there’s nothing that they can say to make you feel better. I’m so glad you have that support.
Julie, my heart aches for what you are going through. Although I am so happy to read this post this morning! I think it is wonderful that you are purposely trying to focus on the positive things 🙂
A couple years ago, my husband and I found out that we would should not have children biologically for genetic reasons, unless we are to undergo rounds upon rounds of IVF, with not very uplifting success rates. To say that I was devastated and depressed was a true understatement, as I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. We continued to pursue IVF in the beginning to see if we felt peace, but the Lord quickly redirected our paths towards domestic infant adoption and we haven’t looked back since! We are currently in the process of waiting for our first baby boy or girl, but I just wanted to pop in and encourage you that even out of the darkness can come SUCH joy and light. Now that we are pursuing this path and have realized the immense blessing that caring for another child who normally might not have the greatest story is, we can absolutely positively not imagine any other way of expanding our family right now. I truly believe that God closed a door for us so that he could open one that we weren’t even aware was there.
Anyway, I say all this because I’m encouraged to see you hanging out with (and being uplifted by!) your pregnant friends! I feel the same way with most of my friends having babies all around me, and I’m glad to hear that someone else gets it. But I ALSO say all this because I want to encourage you that there is ALWAYS a way to have another child. Even if it doesn’t work out naturally, maybe IVF could help, or maybe even adoption! There are so many children in the world that need wonderful parents, and it’s truly amazing how God opens hearts to that. But everyone is different, of course 🙂 Just wanted to share my experience.
I wholeheartedly believe that through moments of deep sadness and darkness, we are then able to see the light and happiness of life and truly appreciate what good things are when they come. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m trying to lecture you, but just trying to share the mindset shift that has helped me during my deep moments of sadness.
I am praying for you <3 You are such a beautiful person on the inside and out! Thank you so much for your transparency.
There is a bible verse that helped me so much through my two miscarriages and I thought I’d share it with you –
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11. Thinking of you! 🙂
You are loved. I am praying for new mercies each moment for you.
I really love what you wrote about your friendships. It’s easy to get jealous- there will always be people who have more, have it easier etc. But when you can focus on the good these people bring to your life, everything else seems so silly. I’m happy that you have such supportive friends while you are going through this tough time <3
Love that quote and how many of us can easily apply it to our lives. So glad you have such support from your family and friends through this time. And seriously Chase is so adorable, I get so excited when I see you have posted insta stories bc I know he’s usually the star, he always makes me smile. Have a great day Julie!
Such a perfect quote and one I’m going to do my best to remember. I’ve been a basket case during pregnancy (I’m a worrier anyway and experiencing a miscarriage first has made it so much worse) but worrying doesn’t do me or the baby any good. Thanks for sharing <3
I wondered about how you were doing with all your friends' pregnancies, especially after you posted about hosting a baby shower. I'm grateful, as always, that you shared how you feel about that. It's amazing once you open up about loss, how much support you get from others who have gone through the same but you'd have no idea. After my loss, I heard from my aunt and even my mom who lost babies and from an acquaintance who is now a good friend because we were able to support each other.
Thay quote really resonated with me. My due date for the miscarriage I had this year is also approaching and I’m struggling with it. We’ve also been trying to conceive again without much luck yet. Part of me is terrified that if I do get pregnant again, it’ll result in another miscarriage so that quote you shared really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing your life in such a real and raw way.
I’m not a big quote girl, but those are great words to live by. I am always a bit anxious by nature, but this is a great way to shift away from that. Hope today is a good day!
Continuing to pray for you, Julie. You have been in my thoughts! Know that you are loved and supported by all of your readers! Good friends are really hard to come by, and it sounds like you have some amazing girlfriends that are there for you! I am so glad you can lean on them in these hard times. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and your life with us here on your blog. Having a miscarriage or having something go wrong during pregnancy is sort of a big fear I have about getting pregnant. There is always going to be that “what if” question in the back of my mind, which is usually there when people ask us when we are going to start having babies. I know it might be silly of me to think like that since I am not trying to get pregnant right now, but it’s just how I am. Those pictures of Chase are just so precious, he seems like such a sweet boy!! Xoxo
Hey Julie- I was so heartbroken to hear about your loss. I can only imagine what you must be going through. I have a friend who had a miscarriage and yesterday would have been little Pip’s (as they named the growing baby) due date. She shared on Facebook this lovely post, and I thought it would be worth sharing with you: “Happy Pip Day! Since today would have been the day we anticipated welcoming our little loved but unknown Pip into the family, we are taking time today to remember him/her and celebrate our love and the strength of family bonds. After crying my way through a massage, Navid and I are having a lunch/walk date shortly and then will pick up the boys for a family outing to a baseball game. This evening, we hope to release floating Chinese lanterns at dusk. Give each other an extra hug today, life is short and precious. We are all miracles.” – I hope this weekend you can celebrate the love and strong family bonds you have <3 Sending you lots of warm thoughts!
Continuing to pray for you Julie! I agree, sometimes those simple, quiet (or wild) afternoons at home with those little best friends of ours, are some of the sweetest moments ever.
Thank you for sharing that quote! I worry a lot about so many things so this hit home and something I will repeat to myself often. Thinking of you during this difficult time.
I am OBSESSED with Big Brother! I can’t believe I’m saying this but I actually am paying for CBS all access so that way I can watch it live (I don’t have a TV or cable so I can only watch shows online after they air) and sneak in on the live feeds. It’s made the addiction worse. haha
Been thinking about you a lot lately, lady! Sending you love. That quote you shared is so perfect and really applicable for so many different stages or events in life, or just for life in general I guess. But so glad it resonated with you. That picture of Chase dancing is just so cute. <3
Having a tribe is so important for the soul. Glad to see you have a network of support there for you in your time of need! And sometimes simple days are the best ones, right? 🙂
Hi Julie,
I have a healthy toddler, but as I’ve tried to become pregnant again, I have suffered from recurrent miscarriages (we are now up to three, and it’s devastating). I recently switched doctors to a fertility specialist, and that has been surprisingly helpful. I was mega-intimated to go see one because “fertility specialist” sounds so scary, but it’s actually comforting to be in a waiting room without magazine covers screaming, “How to dress your bump!” and the like. Also, the other patients, like me, are emotionally exhausted. I also found a counselor that specializes in women’s fertility issues. Seeing her just a handful of times gave me some tremendous coping skills. I just wanted to offer this tips as I can relate to you experience. I wish I couldn’t. But I can.
This is a great post! That quote is so wonderful for so many things in life. Praying for you and your family! Also, where did you get that stool that Chase is on in the kitchen? My little one year old boy already wants to see all of the action on the countertops! Thanks in advance 🙂
I was wondering about the stool, too! My 17 month old would love it.
Me three – the stool looks so good! I know my cousin did an Ikea hack of a Mother’s Helper stool, but I don’t have:
1. Time
2. Patience
3. An Ikea nearby
Hi Lori! So sorry for the delay! It is the Guidecraft Kitchen Helper from Walmart –> http://bit.ly/2uvpaii It’s available in multiple colors as well!
It’s the Guidecraft Kitchen Helper and it’s from Walmart. 🙂 Here’s a link — http://bit.ly/2uvpaii
Hi Jordan! It was a birthday gift for Chase from my mom and she got it at Walmart — it’s the Guidecraft Kitchen Helper: http://bit.ly/2uvpaii
<3
I suffered a 9 week missed miscarriage just days before your post went out and in a way I feel like we’ve been going through this journey together. When I read that quote today it resonated with me more than I thought it would. I think I need to write it down for the next time we try to get pregnant again so I’m not riddled with anxiety. Thank you for being so open and honest about everything. I am so eager to read your posts these days because it seems like you always say what’s on my mind and I am going through all the feels lately. Thanks for being so real.
I am so, so sorry you’re walking through this right now with me. Sending you so much love. <3
I’m so glad you’re surrounded by such lovely local friends. It sounds you have a wonderful connection with all of them that expands beyond any one thing. Woo hoo for girlfriends! They get us through some stuff, and we all need them!
I’m glad you were cheered by the quote – it’s a beautiful thing to find just the right thing that will turn our head in the right direction. For me, today is the anniversary of the day my mom suddenly died (she was not ill, it was a huge shock), and I still remember a sympathy card I got from one of my friends. It was very different from the rest of them, and it was somehow THE thing that gave me a positive little bit of oomph during a very difficult time. I’m glad you can recognize those small bits of hope. You will get more of them as time passes. Also, I love that the quote is against sunflowers. I think you have a thing for sunflowers, yes? I do too – they’re just so cheery.
Also, quiet afternoons at home are sometimes the best things. Even though I’m a full grown married adult well into my adulthood, I still remember the quiet afternoons I spent with my OWN mom when I was Chase’s age. They’re blessings to be sure.
Still sending prayers and more moments of joy and HOPE. <3 xoxoxoxo
Julie,
What a sweet reminder to cherish the beauty in life, even when we experience loss. I lost someone over 10 years ago and I still struggle (daily) with fear. It’s easy to let the fear of loss overtake the many gifts we’ve been given and your post is a great reminder to enjoy what we have. Chase is precIous; I’m glad that you have your family and a supportive group of friends to walk with you during this time. You’re in my thoughts!
Thank you so much, Correen. I’m so sorry you lost someone so important to you — and I agree, the fear after loss is so challenging. Being vulnerable again is hard but there really is so much good all around us all the time… even if sometimes it’s harder to see that than others. Thank you for your thoughts and your comment. I really appreciate it. <3
You have done some of your best writing since your second miscarriage. I hate that this happened to your family. It tears my heart apart. Maybe right now its not about the quantity of things that you write, but the quality. You’ve touched people with your very real account as to what happened and how you are dealing with it. You’ve become very relate-able. I don’t know you personally, but I wish I did. As a grandmother, I cried tears for you and your family. Many hugs and prayers to you and your precious family.
Thank you for this comment, Sheri. It made me smile and I really, really appreciate your words so much. <3
Julie,
You’re always here for us readers whenever we need a pick-me-up, and we hope we can do the same for you. Your astonishing bravery and beacon of good hope keeps the blessings going your way, never worry! Thank you for sharing your truly courageous story. Lots of love to you and your happy, healthy family.
I’ll definitely be praying for you this weekend. I’m so sorry this happened. I’ve also lost two pregnancies (both ectopic) and my first due date was last week. It was tougher than I thought it would be, but my family has been a great support. I’m glad you have such great people in your corner. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you hugs and prayers for peace.
I read your post on my phone and had to log on and say I love that quote so much! In high school my coaches actually used to use that quote a lot too, which is obviously a much different scenario, but I think I think it just speaks to positivity and being optimistic. I hope you have a great weekend, can relax, and I hope your heart is starting to heal.
I love you have such awesome friends and a support group! What a blessing!
Enjoy reading your blogposts.