If I had any reservations as to whether or not I wanted to share something so deeply personal on this blog on Friday, every single one of them evaporated the minute your incredibly beautiful, heartbreaking, compassionate, thoughtful and supportive comments began to appear on my blog post and social media channels. Thank you for sharing your hearts with me, thank you for reserving any judgment and meeting me with kindness and compassion during a very painful time in my life.
Your stories – so many of them so incredibly personal – touched me deeply. So much so that I’ve found I cannot not read too many comments at once and have to come back and read everything in small amounts. I hate that this is a pain so many of you have felt before and that some of you are currently experiencing right along with me at this very moment.
Truthfully, I am still making my way through your comments and wish I had the strength to write back to each of you and convey everything I feel in my heart and show all of you the incredible love and support you’ve shown to me. I hope and pray that strength will come soon but I’m trying to give myself time and permission to process everything at my own pace.
On Friday I thought I was okay. I was tearful but smiled and felt joy when Chase made me laugh. I felt so much support from my family and my best friends. We went to the park and I noticed the sunshine. I watched Sadie chase sticks. I cried but I felt hope and I surrounded myself with distractions.
And then on Saturday I felt like I was under a dark cloud and I could not stop the tears.
I cried for our baby. A baby I wish I could’ve given the most amazingly wonderful life, full of love, adventure and laughter. I cried for the unknown. I cried because I cannot refer to our baby as “he” or “she” because I don’t even know the most basic things about our precious little one. I cried because I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant on Saturday and officially entering my second trimester. I cried because Ryan, Chase and I were supposed to be in Sarasota at that very moment, surprising his family with our wonderful news. I cried because I wanted so very badly to be a mother to the baby we lost. Our baby. A baby I will grieve and wonder about and remember forever.
Right now I have moments when I am okay… and moments when I’m not okay. And I think that’s how it’s going to be for a while.
I want to keep blogging through this time in my life because blogging and connecting with all of you is a highlight in my day, every day. I’m not committing myself to a schedule and am telling myself to blog whenever it feels right… about whatever feels right in the moment… if anything at all.
Right now I am trying my best to focus on the blessings I have in my life. I know that joy can coexist during times of grief and even if tears outweigh smiles right now, I have hope and believe in happiness. We are okay and we will be okay. I know this with everything that I am.
I find myself thinking about our baby during moments when I feel weak. I already feel like I am drawing inspiration from our little one when I think about our baby watching over me. I want to make our baby proud. I want to show our baby kindness and strength through the joyful times and the trying times.
Thank you again for the outpouring of love you’ve shown to me and Ryan. To those of you who have been there and have been through so much worse, thank you for opening up, encouraging us and showing us, firsthand, what strength and hope looks like. You are helping us more than you can possibly realize.
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Julie,
I have read your blog for a while now but rarely do I comment. I am so so sorry for your loss. I too had a loss this past July and am now pregnant with our rainbow baby. I completely relate to this post because I remember some days I thought I felt okay and others the grief just took over me and I literally couldn’t do anything. I want you to know that it does get better, so hang in there! There is no doubt you and your family will never forget this time in your life and your baby will always be in your heart and mind but you will find yourself feeling stronger each and every day. Thinking of you and thank you for sharing your story <3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Prayers and well wishes sent your way during this grieving process. On The fourth month we tried for our second baby, we had a positive pregnancy test, about a week later, I was having bad cramps and clotting. Even though it was a very early miscarriage, my doctor said it was a chemical pregnancy, I was so devasted and sad. I really didn’t tell others because I felt because it was so early, it wasn’t seen as a lost. It took 16 months for my husband and I to conceive our now 7 week old second baby. I experienced secondary infertility. I found out that I was born with low egg follicles because I am still pretty young. The next month after I found out from my encronologist, we conceived our son, naturally. Never feel that your loss is not valid. During my secondary infertility, I felt guilty because I already had one child. Now, I know, my feeling were valid never-the-less. Hugs sent your way!
That’s how it is and that’s how it will be for awhile. Maybe forever, I don’t know. When we found out about our loss on Halloween, it seemed like all the days were bad. Then they were fewer with more good days in between. Even now, three months later, that’s still how it is. For the most part, I’m okay. Then I have a bad day and spend a lot of it in tears. Sometimes something triggers it; other times, there’s no rhyme or reason. Sending love from one mother of an angel baby to another <3
I am so so sorry for your loss, Julie. I also lost our second baby after a healthy first pregnancy. I always thought miscarriage was sad, but I was unprepared for how emotional I was when it happened to me. I went on to have a healthy and beautiful baby girl, and I just cannot imagine life without her. She wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gone through that painful experience.
I have no doubt you will have your happy ending too. Big hugs in the meantime. It’s OK to be sad. Or angry. And happy in between. Whatever you feel is normal. Be kind to yourself.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is one of the hardest things for a mother to go through. You constantly want to blame yourself… if I would have ran that last mile, if I would have eaten better, maybe I shouldn’t have painted that bedroom. Just know that you are not at fault. This will eventually get easier, but you will never forget. I had 3 miscarriages and a stillborn at 26 weeks before I had my beautiful baby girl and I am now pregnant again. Sometime I hold my daughter and cry. I cry because I love her so much but I also cry because if I would have never lost her sister, I would have never gotten to meet her and I can’t imagine my life without her. Someday something will happen and you will finally be able to see why you had to lose this baby. Thinking of you in this time of need!
i meant to reply to you but quoted by accident :/
i’m so sorry for your loss. i lost my daughter at 25 weeks last march (can’t believe it will be a year soon). i’m currently pregnant with her little brother (due 2/24) and can’t wait to meet this kid and smother him with love and kisses…i truly believe she sent him to us so we wouldn’t be sad…because we were pretty f*cking sad. congrats on your rainbows.
you’ll get there julie…i hate this saying, but you just need to take it one day at a time. grief is like a roller coaster…it’s so up and down. it’s okay to feel happy some days, don’t feel guilty about it.
My heart is breaking for you and your husband. I’m so sorry! I will continue to pray for peace and healing during this dark time. Know that you have a lot of love and support here in the blogging world too <3
Your posts make me cry. I just want to hug you and tell you it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be angry, it’s going to be ok.
Please go easy on yourself. You ARE allowed the time to grieve, in whatever form that means…tears, anger, sadness, more tears, and hopefully you will find peace very soon, but don’t rush it.
Your baby will always be with you and will be so proud that they had you and Ryan as parents.
Lots of love and hugs to you!!
I am praying for you and Ryan. I know God is with you right now.
Psalm 34:18The Message (MSG)
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
I love this version because I know that heart pain that feels physical, like being kicked in the gut.
Much love, Emily
Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Be kind to yourself.
I commented before, but I wanted to say that even though I don’t know you, I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you’ve found a few bits of happiness amidst the pain.
Also like I said, I’ve been there (and too used my blog to get some feelings out). I had 3 losses (2 D&Cs) in 2014 before finally carrying my son. It was a long, bumpy road, but if I learned anything I learned that grief is not linear. It comes and goes in waves and you should let yourself deal at whatever pace you need.
Take care of yourself.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Your post reminded me of something i heard during my second pregnancy which was full of scares and unknowns. At a particularly low point our minister shared these words – “when you are at your weakest, you will find your greatest strength.” I kept coming back to these words and know that they are so true. My prayers are with you and your family.
Please know you are not alone in your pain. I had a miscarriage almost two years ago. It was a pain and darkness that is hard to describe. You become part of a club you never wanted an invitation to. My daughter was 2 and a half at the time and I struggled between being a good mom to her and mourning the loss of my baby that would never be. I hope you find peace in knowing you are not alone in your pain. You and Ryan will have your rainbow baby – and when you do it will bring you overwhelming joy. Take all the time you need to grieve and process it all. It is cliche but it will get better with time. My rainbow baby is almost 10 months old and sometimes I still feel a small ache in my heart for the baby we lost – but I know my kids have an angel sibling looking out for them. Stay strong and god bless.
Julie, I have read your blog for years, but I rarely comment. I feel like we’ve all been a part of watching your family grow, and in some weird way, I feel like we’re almost friends, even though we’ve never met. I wish I could give you a giant hug, and tell you I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m keeping you, Ryan, Chase, and Sadie in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you a big hug <3
1 Peter 5:7
Your post takes me right back to 8 years ago when we lost our own baby at 12 weeks (a girl to Turners syndrome). I remember the grief cycle so clearly. One minute, I would be okay and playing with our 2 yr old, only later to feel like I literally could not get out of bed and face the world. Emotions swayed from sadness to guilt to anger to being at peace and knowing God is in control. I tell you this so you know you’re not alone (certainly not, based on so many other posters who have experienced this same loss). And it does get better, even though you will always never forget this baby and your loss. Personally, I was comforted a great deal by spending time with our son. He gave me a reason to get out of bed and focus on the good in my life. I’m sure Chase is a huge comfort to you right now as well. Hang in there girl, you will come out the other side. Prayers.
Sweet Julie – Grief is uneven, and it’s okay to feel differently than you expected to feel at any given time. There will be times that you’re sure would bring you sadness, that are unexpectedly joyful and fine. And there are times when you expect to be joyful, where you will feel like barely able to stop sobbing. Just be patient with yourself. Many of us have been reading your blog for a long time (I’ve been reading since before you were engaged), and we’re here for any schedule you need to be on, including an uneven posting schedule. You do you, we’ll be here. Take your time. Blog when you feel like it. Don’t blog when you don’t feel like it. Pick any topic or no topic or stream of conscious or nothing at all – just whatever honors you and what you need. Still sending prayers that whatever you need will show up in the best form possible, whenever you need it.
Julie, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since I read your first post about your baby. I am so incredibly sorry and feel for you so much because I can remember what those first few days felt like after my miscarriage. Everyone’s loss is different and impacts them in different ways, but I can tell you that the first two weeks were the hardest. Counting the weeks as you mentioned in this post, is so, so difficult and painful. I did it all the way to my due date. Some weeks I bawled, pregnancy announcements on facebook, especially when friends were due when I would have been due too, were especially painful. I honestly had to close my personal facebook page once I got close to my due date. I read and read and read. I need to send you my book list! It was the #1 thing that helped b/c it forced me to focus on the story.
I am so thankful you have your precious Chase. When I lost my second baby I remember thinking, “How does anyone go through this during their first pregnancy?” My heart aches for anyone reading this and felt this pain. For me, my miscarriage still impacts me to this day but I do not cry like I used to. When I became pregnant with my rainbow baby, which took about 7 months, seeing him on the ultrasound was the most surreal moment of my entire life. Because I thought, “He never would have existed had I not gone through all of that pain.” And now, every time I look at his sweet face (he is 13 months old now!) I know that he is meant to be here. I will always think of my second baby, and I know you will too, but there can, and will, be a happy ending for your family. I know it. Please do whatever you need for yourself as you work through your grief and know that your readers are here to support you! Though you don’t know us, because of your blog, we feel like you are our friend. Hugs! Sara
Thank you so much, Sara. I am so happy you have a healthy, precious 13-month old in your life, though I am sure you still feel the pain of your loss. Thank you for sharing your story of hope with me. <3 <3 Also, I smiled when you mentioned reading because I am reading like a madwoman right now. Reading has always been an escape for me but it is helping save me right now. I'm glad it was helpful to you, too.
Julie, I found the list of books I read during that time. I really liked all of them and they were such a good distraction. Hugs!
In the Unlikely Event – Judy Blume
The Hypnotist’s Love Story – Lianne Moriarty
The Last Letter From Your Lover – JoJo Moyes
Wild – Cheryl Strayed
Kate White mystery books (I’ve read them all over the years)
The Astronaut’s Wives Club – Lily Koppel
The Luckiest Girl Alive – Jessica Knoll
Carry On Warrior – Glennon Doyle Melton
I began reading The Hypnotist’s Love story last night before I saw your comment this morning. <3 Thank you for these recommendations, Sara!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. One thing that I’ve learned is that grief comes in waves. That unexpectedness can be quite hard to deal with. Give yourself permission to feel however you feel, because however you are feeling is right! One thing that helped me a lot after my first miscarriage was assigning a gender to my baby. This helped me better talk about what I was feeling and put the loss into words. I spent a lot of time talking to my baby girl when I went running after the miscarriage!! I didn’t need to do that for my next two miscarriages because, sadly, I was better mentally prepared for the losses. Thinking about you and sending peaceful thoughts your way!!!
I cannot pretend to understand the pain you are going through (my husband and me have not had any pregnancies yet) but I wanted to share a little story that happened last year that might make you smile, even for a moment. My mom was pretty sure she lost a baby before having any of us kids (6 of us). It was very early and didn’t require any medical care, so she forgot about it after 34 years or so. In October of 2015 my dads mom got very sick and was in the hospital about to be moved to the hospice floor to pass. We were a day or so away from making the move when she woke up and was completely alert. As a nurse, I saw that she was pretty close to death and her bouncing back was unexpected. When I went to visit she asked me when my mom was coming. When my mom got there she said, “Susie I saw the baby.” Thinking she was talking about me, the baby of the family, she told her I had previously been there. She corrected her and said ,”no I saw the baby you and Steve had. It was a little baby”. About three weeks later my grandma was moved to a hospice house to pass. About two days before passing she asked my dad to come to her bedside. She told him “Steve, I’m serious about the baby.” She hadn’t been talking much at all and was very out of it so hearing this was wild. We asked her what the gender was and she told us she met their little girl. This was such a healing moment for my mom and an amazing moment to witness. I just love the confirmation I felt that God is taking care of the babies who didn’t get to live any time on earth. I pray that you find peace knowing that God is taking care of your baby. Thank you for sharing your life with us, I know it can’t be easy. Praying for you all!
Oh my gosh this is so beautiful. I am crying as I read your words and appreciate you sharing this special story with me. Thank you so much.
Gosh, Julie, your beautiful words made tears spring to my eyes. What a loving devotion to this child that will still be forever yours. Sending you my love and prayers for the continued strength, embracing of the feelings (both sad and happy), and serenity.
Julie – I so sorry that you and Ryan have had to experience the pain that is losing a baby. I had an ectopic pregnancy three years ago, and it was equal parts devastating and scary. I went through every emotion under the sun – like you’ve said, make sure you let yourself feel it all – the good and the bad. Lean on each other. I also wanted to pass along this: Pink’s song “Beam Me Up” is absolutely beautiful and I think she wrote it after having a miscarriage herself. It really helped me to grieve. Be well and hug that little man of your’s extra tight.
Julie, I am so glad you are giving yourself the time you need. You and your family are on my prayers
My heart is still breaking for you. I know we have never met, but I consider you a friend. I grieved for your loss as well and wish I could give you a giant hug and be over there in a second with a huge tub of ice cream and a bottle of wine. Just know that we all love you so much and you’re going to be ok however long it takes. xoxo
Dear Julie, I am a perinatal nurse and a long-time reader of your blog. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. If I may offer some suggestions that have helped patients I have worked with. One thing you might consider is naming your baby–it doesn’t matter if you didn’t know the gender. That way you can more easily refer to your baby in a personal way. You might also consider having a memorial service, either with just your family or with a pastor. Too often early losses like this are not formally mourned as the deaths they are. And finally, you might consider looking for a support group of other parents who have lost children. In Greensboro, there is a group called Heartstrings (www.heartstringssupport.org); there must be something like that in Charlotte. Your obstetrician probably knows of a group to which you might be referred. My prayers are with you and your family as you grieve the loss of your child.
Thank you for sharing this with me, Lynne. And thank you for the work that you do. <3 I appreciate it very much.
i’m so sorry for your loss. i lost my daughter at 25 weeks last march (can’t believe it will be a year soon). i’m currently pregnant with her little brother (due 2/24) and can’t wait to meet this kid and smother him with love and kisses…i truly believe she sent him to us so we wouldn’t be sad…because we were pretty f*cking sad. congrats on your rainbows.
you’ll get there julie…i hate this saying, but you just need to take it one day at a time. grief is like a roller coaster…it’s so up and down. it’s okay to feel happy some days, don’t feel guilty about it.
Julie, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your baby. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks’, and I lost my son at 24 weeks’. That was about 2 years ago, and I still can’t talk about him without crying. I will always love him, and he will always hold a place in my heart. I now have my 9 month daughter, and she is the light of my life. Life is filled with so much joy and so much sorrow. Give yourself time, let yourself cry, and let yourself feel joy when you are ready. Much love.
Every day will get just a little easier. Thinking about you and your sweet family! <3
I have been thinking about you all weekend. Time is the best healer. Enjoy those small and precious moments with Chase, Ryan and Sadie <3 <3
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Know that we’ll always be here whenever you know it’s the right time to return.
Sending good thoughts and lots of prayers to you all.
XO, Jessica
http://www.semisweettooth.com
This post sums up EXACTLY how I felt after my early miscarriage 3 weeks ago (even though I was only 5 weeks along). Some days I am okay, some days, I am not. Some days, I cried and sobbed so hard for so many things I am missing out on.
One quote that gave me tremendous strength is from Glennon’s book, Love Warrior. It has made me feel less lonely and helped me understand how joy and grief can and will coexist in times like this – “grief is love’s souvenir. it’s our proof that we once loved. grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: look! love was once mine. i loved well. here is my proof that i paid the price.”
I really love your thought here that you want to show this baby love and kindness and make them proud. That is such a beautiful and compelling way to honor their memory and that is something that I’m going to try to adopt right here, right now.
Only this weekend did I feel like a “fog” has lifted over the sorrow I’ve felt from my pregnancy loss. I know it’s not “over” and hearing that someone else is doing better probably doesn’t exactly help you but weeks ago, I couldn’t believe that I would ever not be sad all the time. I couldn’t fathom stories from other women who said “You’ll always be sad and carry this around, but there will be times when you are not 100% sad”… I couldn’t understand how that could be the case and now, here I am, 3 weeks later, feeling like my joy and sadness can coexist and that I can feel happiness more often that I thought could have been possible.
Take care of yourself, feel your feelings. Do not rush your grief, your response, and your reactions. Please check out the song “Let it Matter” – that has been my calling song on repeat for weeks now. <3
thank you for sharing this with me. that quote is beautiful. i’ve thought so much about the unbelievable ability of grief and joy to coexist but, somehow, through the pain, it does. i hope joy will one day outweigh sadness again — and i believe it will. thank you for giving me hope. i appreciate it so much and am so sorry for your loss. <3
Sorry for the loss of your sweet baby as well Molly.
Sending lots of support and healing to you and your family right now. I can’t imagine how difficult this is to go through- my Mom miscarried between my older sister and myself and to this day (29 years later) she can’t talk about the loss. It’s definitely a time for friends, family, and recovery. Us- your loyal blog followers- will be here when you come back! This is such a common experience for women to go through and you are so brave for talking about it publicly. It means the world to so many women.
Enjoy the good times and don’t feel guilty for feeling okay sometimes. Grief is not linear, you’ll have good times and bad times and both are okay. One thing that I found hard right after I lost my twins was caring for my two year old son. He was sometimes the biggest blessing but he was sometimes a painful reminder of what I had lost. Just take each day at a time and know that with time it truly will get better, but that you’ll never forget your baby.
The hardest part for me after my miscarriage was not knowing if my baby was a boy or a girl. At the end of the day it wouldn’t have mattered, I would have loved my baby the same way no matter what. But not getting to know was really hard and I wasn’t even sure why. That was ten years ago and my husband and I haven’t been able to get pregnant since. It’s so, so common and yet can be so hard to talk about. <3 Praying for you and yours.
My heart is truly hurting for you and Ryan, Julie. My sister suffered a miscarriage pretty late into her pregnancy almost 9 years ago and I remember how difficult that was for her. It still breaks my heart into pieces thinking about what she went through. But she was so strong and pushed through and has been blessed with two little ones since then. It will take time to heal but you will be okay. Remember that.
I hope you feel the support and love behind you through those of us who only “know” you through your blog. I started reading your blog for your workouts but your kind spirit and positive energy made me stick around. It’s now become a habit to just check in every day. Take time to take care of yourself and your family and don’t feel obligated to post if you’re not up to it. Sending many good thoughts and prayers your way!
Thank you for sharing your heart about this. I have three children (ages 7-10), and then had a miscarriage with baby #4, 4 years ago. It was so incredibly painful, physically and emotionally. I had no idea how horrible miscarriage actually is, and felt my eyes were opened to women who had gone through this before but I (embarrassingly) didn’t think too much of it… just a passing, “Oh, how sad.” I too wanted a D&C, but because it was a holiday and my dr wasn’t scheduling these procedures during those days, I “delivered” the baby naturally at home on Good Friday (that felt very meaningful to me, to be suffering so much on that day). Four years later, I think about my baby often still and wonder why I never got the chance to meet him/her. It makes me appreciate the fact that I have three healthy kids so much more. It makes me long for the day when I will get to hold my baby. My mother is in heaven, and I know she is loving her grand baby to pieces. I hope you are able to find peace soon, it will come with time. Just hold your family close and most of all take care of yourself. Don’t feel guilty for grieving and resting and taking all the time you need to get through this. You’re in my prayers, Julie.
I know its SO HARD but seriously can’t thank you enough for sharing. As you can see, you are not alone.
Julie, I have read your blog since the beginning and rarely comment. I don’t know what to say, nor do I have any advice or a similar experience to share; however, I wanted to say how truly sorry I am for you and your family. Please know that there are many people whom you’ve never met who are thinking of you.
Julie thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us. Miscarriage is so common, yet we don’t talk about it nearly enough. I have been reading your blog since before you got married, and so my heart broke for you when I read your last post. I am so sorry you had to go through this, I am sending you all my love and will add you to my prayers. xoxo
I love your blog and think you and your family are so sweet. This sad news made me cry, so I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. I am thinking about you, you are a wonderful mom and such a strong woman.
Lovely- I’m so sorry. I know too well that heartbreak. I had three mcs in a row. I’m not super religious but the sweet song Glorybaby by Watermark was and still is so comforting to me. Xo
Feel sorry for your loss. As a mother it is not easy to heal in this heartbroken situation. this may be a story for readers but who knows the feeling, You… May you get better.
Thanks
Eddy
Julie,
I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. I have yet to have a miscarriage, and I have no idea what pain and grief you must be feeling. I love that you shared your feelings and your heartache! I hope and pray that peace will be with your family. I don’t know what religion you practice, or what your beliefs are, but I am of the LDS faith and we believe that families can be together forever. We believe that your little baby will always be yours and that you will see that sweet babe again someday. I hope you continue to see an outpouring of love and kindness around you on your hard days and I hope and pray that the angels that are around you, your friends and close family and even strangers, will lift you up and and comfort you when you need it most.
It is so hard.. I still have dark days now 2 years on thinking ‘why me’ but we can’t change the past and I believe everything happens for a reason. Hold onto that! xx
I am not a mother, and will never be, but I believe with all my heart that you are a mother to the child you lost.
That child was loved, and will be forever.
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and I was truly devastated. That was 29 years ago and I still feel the loss. It is truly amazing that our hearts can carry joy and sorrow at the same time. I am happy to say that I had 3 healthy children after that so I am blessed. I am sending you hugs and healing thoughts and hope that the blessing of time softens your sorrow.
I’m currently going through this okay-then-not dance. I had a missed miscarriage in March, and my husband and I are trying again. I’m simultaneously hopeful horrified that I’ll get pregnant again. Sometimes I feel totally moved on and that I’ll never cry again, other times I’m drowning in grief. I’m thankful that you’ve used your platform to share your experiences.