Last of the Firsts
How did we get here? How is my last baby off to kindergarten? Everyone warned me it would go so, so fast and they were painfully, acutely right. Even though I knew it would go fast because I had the proof standing right in front of me — proof in the form of toddlers who were no longer babies and big kids who were no longer toddlers — these milestone moments have a way of knocking me off my feet and, truthfully, they hurt. They hurt in the way it hurts when a birthday rolls around and you realize you’ll never have access to the 4-year-old version of your kid again. They hurt in the way your heart squeezes when your child stops saying “lello” and replaces it with the correct but oh-so-grown-up pronunciation “yellow.”
Part of me thought today would be a day I’d feel relief.
I’ve spent more than 11 years cramming the non-motherhood pieces of my life into small pockets of “me time;” brief windows of free time I’d grasp through nap times, preschool drop offs, gym childcare and occasional help. It felt intense, impossible at times, stressful for sure but, for the most part, absolutely overflowing with joy. It never felt possible for me to have a to-do list with everything checked off but it also didn’t matter because LOOK at what I got to pour my heart into everyday: A family I love in a way I will never be able to capture into words.
Ever since the boys were toddlers, Ryan and I have said the same lines back and forth with them before bed. “I love you bigger than a rocket ship!” “I love you bigger than the moon!” and so on. Over the summer I joked that Ryder rage baited me one night when he jokingly said, “I love you more than you love me.” Oh heck no, my child. I very matter-of-factly told him that was impossible. My love for him and his brothers and his dad is bigger than Ryder’s eight-year-old brain could ever imagine.
“Is it really bigger than a rocket ship?” he asked. “Much, much bigger,” I assured him. It’s a soul-squeezing kind of love that bubbles over on days like today. Days that remind me my children are growing up, exactly the way I hoped and prayed they would. But that doesn’t mean watching them confidently walk into their elementary school — my three no-longer-little-kids in a row — doesn’t serve as a gut-punch that ALL of this is finite. It’s all so beautiful and wonderful but my gosh why can’t it all just slow down?
I read this quote that I’ve been thinking about a lot:
“The hardest part about parenting is raising the one thing you can’t live without to be able to live without you.” Ooph isn’t that the truth? Because that is the goal, right? To raise kind, confident, loving, hard-working, independent, thoughtful humans who can go out into the world on their own and make a positive impact. Ryan and I have repeatedly talked about how this phase of life we’re living right now is golden to us. We’re holding onto it hard while trying to get better at letting go, little by little. But it sure does wreck me sometimes.
For now, I’ll just sit here with wet eyes, feeling so grateful for motherhood and the way I’ve been given the gift of a love so big it can make me ache so much.
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absolutely beautiful and poignant words julie. i feel this with my 3 year old and 9 month old already.
that quote about raising them to not need you gave me shivers. the painful, wonderful, emotional, awe-inducing, nostalgic-in-advance kind.
thank you, joanna <3 it's wild how even in the earliest days of motherhood, we're so, so aware that time will go too fast!
I came here to say the same! I already feel this with my 2 year old and 3 month old. I teared up reading this while nursing the baby.
Oof I feel this so much. I was just away for a weekend with friends (which I never ever do) and when I got home I was like who are these two big kids waiting at the door to hug me? They looked so much older in just two days time. Seeing them off to school and being their own little people is truly the most bittersweet experience. You are not alone in these feelings, I promise you!
Cue all the tears! What a beautiful post, Julie. This warms my heart!
What a beautiful essay on parenting. Give them roots to stand and wings to fly! I’d say you guys are knocking it out of the park!
This is beautifully accurate, and boy does it hit home. I moved my youngest back to college over the weekend. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get easier the older they get!
I have never commented on your site, but have been a regular visitor for many years. Your message today really resonated with me….our oldest has been gone for 14 years and I still miss her like crazy. Your goal is to foster independence, but it never gets any easier! You have a beautiful family!
Oh my goodness, yes. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I feel. My heart was squeezing as I read this— you know, that feeling of loving them so much it physically hurts. Phew.
Someone commented on my just-turned-four-year-old daughter’s little voice the other day, and now I can’t stop noticing it and wanting to soak it in while it lasts.
I’m not sure there’s a more bittersweet feeling than growing alongside your children—knowing you can never go back and revisit a younger version of them, while also feeling so incredibly grateful that you get to be there for all of it – watching them grow, and getting to know them more deeply as they also come to know themselves.
Ooh, this one hits! I’m totally with you this year, my youngest goes off to school next week for the first time and I’m a disaster, lol! Thank you for giving my feeling such beautiful words!
Can relate very much to these sentiments after sending my two oldest to kindergarten this year. I know it’s the right step and I feel so proud of them, but whew it does a number on our mother hearts!!
This was me last week! Also 3 kids, also self employed around kid obligations, and also sent my kindergartener off. (Also went to my fav coffee shop, lol.) thank you for making me feel less alone in *all the feelings* thati have about this.
So beautifully and heart wrenchingly said. Hugs. ♥️
Im feeling this too, my last baby starts Kindergarten next week as well 🙁
Julie, I have been following you FOR YEARS, before kids, moves, etc…. This was one of the most touching and beautiful posts you have ever written. I could feel everything you felt through the screen. I do not have children, but I can only imagine the depth of love one has for their children and how gripping that loves is to your entire soul.
You have such an incredibly beautiful family and I am so happy for you and Ryan. The kids and their kids will STILL be in your lives forever and you have so many more wonderful memories to make all together. Again, I couldn’t be happier for you.
GIRL! The tears…. This should have had a trigger warning for my mama heart 😉
I kid, of course. Beautiful sentiment perfectly stated. Sending love during this time of wild transformation!
As the Mom of a 19 year-old and a 15 year-old… how?!… I cling tightly to the tagline of Kelle Hampton (@etst): “There Is More”. Having children as old as mine are now is definitely bittersweet and heartbreaking sometimes remembering their little selves, but each phase of life has more great things to come, even into adulthood. I’m sure our parents feel the same way about us!
Ah, I hear you! My youngest, who just turned six, recently stopped believing in the tooth fairy and Santa. On his first ever day of summer camp. Ouf! For everything there is a season. <3