We’re going to breeze through breakfast today because the “meat” of this blog post is rather lengthy!
I made myself another egg sandwich on top of a toasted whole wheat English muffin.
Cheese + Egg + Jelly!
Now onto the vulnerable stuff…
Love is a Verb
A couple of weeks ago, Ryan and I signed up to be part of a small group through our church. Though our church has been in Ocala for years, this is the first time in its history that it has organized small groups for people to regularly meet outside of the church.
Neither Ryan nor I have ever been part of a small group within a church before and decided to sign up for 20s Married Life Group, a group that meets once a week on Monday night.
I must admit, I was really nervous going into our first small group meeting last week. Since Ryan and I are both new to the small group atmosphere, neither of us knew what to expect.
When we left the first meeting, we both knew it was going to be a great thing. Our meeting last night only further confirmed this feeling. We adore the other couples and the group is fun, caring, compassionate and vulnerable.
Though we spend much of the time just hanging out, chatting and getting to know each other, the group is following a semi-structured curriculum centered around Andy Stanley’s Staying in Love DVD.
Last night we watched the first 20 minute segment of the DVD (you can watch it on YouTube if you’re interested), and I took a lot away from Andy’s teachings. After our group watched the DVD, we discussed it and I was blown away by the stories the other couples shared and how open everyone was after two short weeks together.
The key message from the first part of the DVD was rather simple: Love is a verb.
(For those of you who may be interested in the Bible verse that corresponds to this teaching, it is John 13:34-35.)
Love is something you do, not just something you feel. It’s something you work at every day. Something that requires dedication, cultivation and care. Andy Stanley states that falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard.
Though Ryan and I still consider ourselves very much in love, we both agree that we work at our relationship and our marriage and it was refreshing to hear other couples echo the same sentiments. One of the questions our small group leader posed after the video was, “When did you, as a couple, realize that your relationship was going to require work?”
Every single couple had a story to share.
Ryan and I dated for more than six years before we got married and we actually hit that moment before marriage. I talked about it briefly in my previous blog post about moving in together for the first time, but we realized that it would be very easy to just go through the motions of a relationship and cohabitate without feeling like we were in a relationship. The conversation involved a lot of tears, but it was also a turning point because it was the moment I realized that Ryan and I would fight for our relationship forever. We both wanted to make it work and shared the desire to stay in love for the long haul.
Sometimes it’s easy to think that everyone around you has a perfect, care-free relationship. I love my relationship with my husband, but it’s not picture perfect. Our small group agreed that it was helpful to hear other couples share intimate feelings about the effort they put into their relationship and the fact that love is more than just a feeling. It’s something we must try hard to do.
Question of the Morning
- Was there a moment in your relationship (past or present) that you realized you were going to have to work at your relationship as a couple?
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Have you heard the John Mayer song of the same title? Definitely will have that in my head all day! We went through Catholic pre-marriage classes that emphasized working on our relationship and it was a better experience than I anticipated.
no, i haven’t! i’ll google it!
Just was about to comment the same thing! “Love Is A Verb” is a great song off JM’s latest album 🙂
LOVE that song 🙂 I was going to mention the same thing! Plus, it’s a great and important thing to remember– actions often speak louder than words!
Your breakfast always look SO good!! I need to invest in some English muffins, stat!!
This post reminded me of a favorite song of mine by Clint Black “Something That We Do.” I love the sentiment and agree that it is an ongoing effort rather than a static state of a relationship.
Me and my husband both work from home. That was when I realized we were going to have to work on our love. 🙂
🙂
We have learned how important it is to make time for each other and carve out time to make our relationship a priority. We have very different schedules and it is hard to sometimes find time to just “be”… it is really refreshing to hear positive stories like this… thank you Julie!!
I am so excited for you and Ryan to join your first small group! It is amazing what being in a community of other believers can do for not only your strength and faith in the Lord but for your marriage. We are doing the Real Marriage study with Marc Driscoll right now and I highly recommend it!! Sometimes we forget that God created the covenant of marriage to symbolize Jesus’ love for us and the church and it’s easy to forget to put Him at the base and foundation of our marriage. Yay!
AMEN!!!
I’m not married ( I’m 17…) but I know that whenever I am married, God must be the center of it! I’ve seen marriages at the brink of collapse, until they go to the Lord- what a difference He can make!
I honestly think I’ve just realized it recently. My husband and I have an awesome relationship that I’ve thought required much work. We spend the majority of our non working hours together, and we have a lot of the same hobbies. Recently, we’ve been pulled in a few different directions, and I realized that we need to make a special effort during those times.
Great post! And so true. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over 6 years. We have to constantly remind ourselves that we can’t forget the small details, like random phonecalls to say I love you. You just have to keep your love refreshed. If we ever feel like were falling off the wagon we talk about it and both decide we want ‘us’.
That’s awesome! Being in a small group has grown my faith and me and my fiance’s relationship. We hit that moment about a month into our relationship, and every day we still work on putting each other first. It’s awesome you guys have an encouraging small group 😉
This post just hit a soft spot as it’s something me and my boyfriend have been working on. We will be together three years next month, and last year around this time we hit a large bump in the road. We worked things out and know that we see a future with each other, so it’s going to take work, everyday, to keep our love strong. Thank you for posting this today, it’s just what I needed to read.
I love this! My boyfriend and I have definitely hit that point – we met in school after we had both accepted jobs across the country from each other…oops! Trying to figure out how we would make it work was really stressful. Now we live together and we’re realizing that comes with its own stressors. But obviously we wouldn’t have it any other way. And I’m proud of us for working through it and still being in love! I am really inspired to find a group like that in my town, now. Thanks for posting about it!
I adore all of your fun posts, but these personal ones are just perfect 🙂 I have been with my boyfriend (and now fiance!) for almost 7 years, so I think we also hit that “This is going to require work’ moment before marriage. I just think it is so important to remind everyone, especially in the blog world, that contrary to movies etc, love is not a fluid, easy concept. It is by far the most rewarding work, but it is work none the less.
And I think that it is more special than if everything just flowed…when you know your partner is just as passionate at working at your relationship as you are..that FEELS more like love 🙂
How refreshing to see you mention your faith! I really loved the Bible verse reference. I would love to see weekly blog posts like these and maybe even a bit more references to faith. God bless!
I agree!
This is a great post. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and actually just this past weekend had to sit down and talk about how we were going to work at our relationship. We realized that it takes a lot of time and commitment and selflessness to put some one else before you and that is what it was going to take in order to keep going forward. I agree that you can go through the motions but it is so much better to open up those lines of communication.
I absolutely loved this post. My boyfriend of four years and I hit the rough patch you described about a year into our relationship when we went from a long distance relationship to a normal one. It was very difficult to transition for both of us, but we are constantly evaluating our approach and making sure the other is getting what they need. It’s truly the best journey I’ve ever been on, and I have grown and matured more in the past couple years (being forced to learn about yourself and what you need does that to you) than I have my whole life. Thanks for the wonderful words- congrats on the small group!
Andy Stanley is my pastor! He is an amazing pastor, speaker, and motivator! So glad you are following his DVD!
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now, and we probably hit that point about two years into our relationship, when he was away at college for the first time. We started getting a little too comfortable in our routine and we really had to work to get out of the house and spice things up a little bit!
I love this post – it made my morning. My husband and I just agreed we wanted to join the 20s/30s small group that meets at our church on Wednesdays …this coming Wednesday is our first meeting (now, isn’t that a kwinky-dink!?) And, I too, am a bit nervous but literally said “phew!” out loud when I read your post. Not too far back my husband and I had the “I just feel like your roomate” conversation (we have been married almost two years) and decided we were not cool with letting ourselves just go through the motions. It definitely takes an effort every single day to remember why we’re roomates in the first place. But the work is totally worth it. Love rocks!
I expect that moving in together will be that turning point for us, but at present, our “work” moment came this year when we did long-distance for a month and I didn’t handle it very well. I feel so lucky because he seems to innately understand that love is a verb. Sometimes I think that I’m the emotionally stunted one!
When my boyfriend (of 8 years) and I moved in together about two years ago is when I first realized we needed to work at our relationship. Similar to your experience, it slowly started becoming too easy to get stuck in routines and almost live like roommates. With work and other projects pulling us into separate directions we make it a priority to have date nights almost every weekend and try not to forget about those little things that gave us butterflies when we first started dating.
It’s comforting knowing that other couples go through this as well! 🙂
A great relationship does take work and it also helps to have support!! My husband and I have had a few points in our relationship where we have had to evaluate where we were as a couple, where we wanted to be, and how we were going to get there. Especially now with 2 kids! It’s easy to get list in the day to day. Love definately requires action!!!
This is a great post, Julie! I realized after about 6 months of my relationship and we have been together 8 years now. It continues to be work but it definitely easier than before. It is so easy to take the one you love for granted so I love the message behind the lass you’re taking, it’s great.
I think after about a year of dating I realized that my boyfriend and I had to work at our relationship. Like you, moving in together was also a big turning point. It wasn’t easy, and love wasn’t just going to happen. We had to actually WORK to make sure our relationship was loving, caring, open, honest, etc.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 7 years now. The moment I realized we needed to make work at our relationship is when we both are busy working full time and going to school. Neither of us had time for a relationship, but realized we needed to schedule that time. It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut and watch tv together, but that’s not quality time.
That is SO awesome you guys have decided to join a small group! I think plugging into something like that is crucial when you’re wanting to be a part of a church family. We have a small group that meets every other Sunday evening, and I always look forward to it. It sounds like you guys are following a great study too!
Just reading the title made me think of a line from the movie Dan in Real Life: “Love is not a feeling, it’s an ability.” I think it starts as a feeling, but there’s no way to have a lasting relationship without working at it – whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship. Love of any kind takes work. This was such a great post, and I’m glad you’re enjoying the small group!
LOVE THIS
howd you guys decide on what faith and religion you wanted to follow?? me and my fiance are trying to figure that out now
ryan and i are both lutheran, but identify more with non-denominational christian churches and looked for a church with a modern feel to it, as that’s what i was used to growing up. we actually visited a handful of churches in ocala until we found one that felt right to both of us.
Great post! My church is starting a young couples group in a few weeks and I’m actually pretty excited as well. I think it’s really great to hear other couples talk about what they are going through especially newlyweds/20 somethings! 🙂
I think recently we realized after a year of marriage we’d need to do some work. Once you move in together and life starts happening outside the excitement of planning a wedding, it’s easy to forget that your relationship needs attention too. Finances, work, family, friends, a house, a dog, etc. take a lot of your focus, but we’re starting to realize we need to take time and work on our relationship just as much as we have to pay attention to everything else.
Loved this post. I’ve been in my relationship now for about a year and a half. And we’ve already gone through some rough patches! But once you realize what it is you’re fighting for it makes it all worth it. Nothing worth having comes easy – love included!
My church does small groups, which I had never heard of before I started attending there. I was a little nervous the first time I went, and I actually had to try a couple before I found one that fit. It’s my favorite thing about Monday now!
To answer your question, I think I realized that my relationship would take honest to goodness, two-sided work a few years ago. Greg and I don’t live together, but many of our dates just seemed to go through the motions and we didn’t have that feeling of closeness. I wasn’t ok with that!
My husband and I have been through A LOT in the almost 7 years we’ve been married. I think the hardest was my mom’s suicide attempt about 6 months after we got married. I realized that he was my absolute rock and strength for all things and he realized he would do anything (even move to Texas if he had to) to be with me. Since then, the hard stuff only draws us closer to one another. We are always on the same team.
Wow this one hit home for sure. My fiance’ had never been in a serious relationship before me, and I have NEVER been a communicator…EVER. He forces me to confront feelings that are not always pleasant, but he will never know if I don’t tell him. We are looking for a place to live that is mutual between our careers because they are over an hour away. He wants to move to a very small town because it is in the middle, but we will not know anyone and there is really nothing to do. I had to tell him through tears that I am scared and that I didn’t think I could live somewhere with little to no social scene. He was astounded because he never knew I felt this way and was glad I told him. We work at it every single day because we are so different, but both of us know that we can’t get through life without each other.
I think I know my realtionship with my husband was going to an on going project, sometimes when you meet someone you know the first time you meet them that they are worth the effort, I think thats when you know its the one you are ment to be with, moving in with my husband was A challenge because we had both been alone for A long time so being with someone again was hard, but like you and Ryan we are very much in love and I thank my lucky stars for my husband every day. he is my rock, and the love of my life and worth every bit of effort.
So glad I read this this morning! My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years and have been living together for a little over a year. We have definitely hit that point in our relationship after we moved in together. It’s so hard not to get stuck in a routine especially with working and finishing school, our schedules are so hectic. We literally just had this discussion last week about what we need to do to work on our relationship and it’s so refreshing and comforting to know we aren’t the only ones feeling like this.
Thank you for posting on this topic. I love small group atmospheres, congratulations on attending your first one, they really are such a great way to build lasting relationships with other people in your church. We are in a marriage small group as well. I would say that the moment when we knew we needed to work on our relationship for it to last was certainly this past year, after the birth of our first child, 5 years into marriage. If you neglect your relationship, or just assume it will just be fine, when life is changing rapidly, you will run into trouble. Marriage is such a huge way to grow as a person, you really have to face your own shortcomings for your relationship as a couple to grow (at least I do! In my case…I’ve got a temper and after sleepless nights with a baby, it really came out and had to be addressed).
Great post!
I read this post in a different way than many people. I just got out of a relationship because it wasn’t working–even though we loved each other–we just simply couldn’t make it work out and I’m not even entirely sure why. Love is not just a feeling, yes, and love is work, yes, and I really admire the couples that do make it work and love each other at the same time. My relationship wasn’t meant to be, and its really hard when the love is there but the “work” is unbearable & unmanageable and just not worth it in the end.
I agree completely. Last night my boyfriend and I had a discussion about how we are better off as friends than lovers. Of course, he is thinking otherwise (I am his first everything – first long relationship included, as we have been together for over three years), but he is allowing me space until I’m able to wrap my head around things and get it together. It just feels as if our romantic love has faded into more of a friendship. It’s great to be each other’s best friend, but it’s just not the same as it used to be, no matter how much work we put in.
Maria, I promise you, you are not remotely the only person with this experience. I have deeply loved and even had it mutual, but for whatever reason the relationship part is just not repairable, salvageable, whatever. I get what you are saying.
Thanks so much for your comments, Holly & Samantha!
Ugh, it really is terrible! We had been on an off for over two years and could not make it work. I don’t think relationships should be “easy,” but they certainly shouldn’t be so hard — leaving so many bad memories that its hard to make good ones. It’s nice to know others have gone through similar issues!
Aww! <3 I love this post.
I'm an old lady in comparison (34 on Friday!) lol. 🙂 I can tell you, I've seen alot of things in my time. I was married to my high school sweetheart at 22 years of age. We thought we had it all figured out. We were wrong. We didn't nurture the relationship. We basically ended up being roommates. You really do have to keep the romance, appreciation, admiration alive for one another! Unfortunately, neither of us had that figured out until after we divorced. We are still GREAT friends to this day!! In fact, I gave him "relationship advice" for the woman he's currently happily married to. (I think she's an awesome lady!)
Fast forward to today. Alfie and I have been together for 6 years. Our life has seen the darkest of times as well as the brightest of times. We've seen eachother at our best and worst. It took us a while to learn how to "fight the right way". I believe there really is a right and wrong way to have an argument! lol
One thing we always say is there are good things in arguements. It means you love eachother enough to stay and fight rather then throw your hands up and walk away. One key ingredient has always been– not being too proud to say sorry.
What a great post, Julie! I am getting married this fall and just signed up for the marriage preparation classes. We knew we needed to work on our relationship while we were long distance for 2 years. We definitely needed to make an effort to communicate because it would be so easy to just go with the flow of life and forget about each other!
Hi!
First time commenter here!
I just started reading your blog and am thrilled to see such diversity in your posts. I absolutely love the fashion page, and your recipes all look delicious! I want to thank you for your honesty in your post. It’s refreshing to hear a blogger say her marriage involves work because while I don’t doubt it’s true , so many blogs shout how wonderful their marriages are, perfect life, perfect kids, perfect kitchen… like facebook, only the good and never the whole truth! of course we all head to blogs for some positive pick-me-ups and motivation, but it’s nice to hear a kernel of truth every now and again 🙂
And it’s THOSE marriages that admit to having difficulties and working towards maintaining happiness I actually believe to be happiest 🙂
Glad to have found your blog and thank you for the inspiration!
Great post. I thought about this a few weeks ago when the media went crazy over Ben Affleck’s comment durig the Oscars about marriage being work. How dare he ruin the Hollywood version of how easy love & marriage are!!
I agree! I wrote a whole post about it…I LOVED what he said! I thought it showed how great of a husband he actually must be. 🙂
Thank you so much for this post Julie. My boyfriend and I have reached that point over the last couple of months. Right now we’re apart because I need to work through some things before I can truly continue with our relationship. It has shown me that loving him will be something I will forever have to work on. 1 Corinthians 13 on love is a another great example of love.
Thank you for such a heartfelt post! You are an inspiration. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and I have a feeling our talk is going to come up when we decide to move in together soon. I already see relationships in every aspect of life require work, the good ones anyway, especially the one you share love.
Best blog post I’ve read on here quite sometime. Glad you all are connecting with a small group – it is so important for couples to surround themselves with others who have the same beliefs, can offer insight and support.
Glad to hear you and Ryan are doing so well too. You’re right – it takes work but is oh, so worth it.
I have been married for almost 15 years and I feel that my marriage is an adventure everyday! When you throw kids in the mixed which I would not change anything our marriage did struggle a lot because I worked outside the home, wanted to be the “super mom” and did not consider my husband in that equation. Once I got over that period, I really concentrated on my marriage. Your kids will be fine and be better for seeing what a relationship truly should be 🙂
This is SUCH a great post! My fiance and I have an amazing relationship, but it definitely requires work. Communication is the most important thing, it helps keep you open and honest and in touch with one another’s feelings.
YES! But I think the work also sometimes comes in a form of accepting what the relationship is that best works for the couple and not what the outside standard is. I don’t even want to admit how many years it has taken me to learn that lesson…and that I still some days struggle to remember it.
Thank you for this wonderful post.
I think I mentioned recently that my husband and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. (hilarious picture from 20 years ago and now on my post about it) We also dated for 6 years before getting married. So 26 years together leaves me with LOTS of stories! You always work on the relationship, but the kind of work you have to do changes throughout the years. We recently started reading “The 5 Love Languages” and are cracking up that we didn’t realize our different love languages before now. Great book if you haven’t read it.
I loved this post! It was a great reminder. Such a simple message but so easy to forget. Love is an action. It’s something you do. It’s not noun… it’t not a thing… it’s a verb… it’s an action!
I have been married for 15 years and can say you never get to that point when it ISN’T work. And I feel like some that get divorced do so because they think it should easier. Nothing worth having is easy. We have always known we would have to work at it. And every few years, when we feel we have lost our way, we go back to therapy to learn how to talk to each other again. TOTALLY worth it!
The Kidless Kronicles