We’re going to breeze through breakfast today because the “meat” of this blog post is rather lengthy!
I made myself another egg sandwich on top of a toasted whole wheat English muffin.
Cheese + Egg + Jelly!
Now onto the vulnerable stuff…
Love is a Verb
A couple of weeks ago, Ryan and I signed up to be part of a small group through our church. Though our church has been in Ocala for years, this is the first time in its history that it has organized small groups for people to regularly meet outside of the church.
Neither Ryan nor I have ever been part of a small group within a church before and decided to sign up for 20s Married Life Group, a group that meets once a week on Monday night.
I must admit, I was really nervous going into our first small group meeting last week. Since Ryan and I are both new to the small group atmosphere, neither of us knew what to expect.
When we left the first meeting, we both knew it was going to be a great thing. Our meeting last night only further confirmed this feeling. We adore the other couples and the group is fun, caring, compassionate and vulnerable.
Though we spend much of the time just hanging out, chatting and getting to know each other, the group is following a semi-structured curriculum centered around Andy Stanley’s Staying in Love DVD.
Last night we watched the first 20 minute segment of the DVD (you can watch it on YouTube if you’re interested), and I took a lot away from Andy’s teachings. After our group watched the DVD, we discussed it and I was blown away by the stories the other couples shared and how open everyone was after two short weeks together.
The key message from the first part of the DVD was rather simple: Love is a verb.
(For those of you who may be interested in the Bible verse that corresponds to this teaching, it is John 13:34-35.)
Love is something you do, not just something you feel. It’s something you work at every day. Something that requires dedication, cultivation and care. Andy Stanley states that falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard.
Though Ryan and I still consider ourselves very much in love, we both agree that we work at our relationship and our marriage and it was refreshing to hear other couples echo the same sentiments. One of the questions our small group leader posed after the video was, “When did you, as a couple, realize that your relationship was going to require work?”
Every single couple had a story to share.
Ryan and I dated for more than six years before we got married and we actually hit that moment before marriage. I talked about it briefly in my previous blog post about moving in together for the first time, but we realized that it would be very easy to just go through the motions of a relationship and cohabitate without feeling like we were in a relationship. The conversation involved a lot of tears, but it was also a turning point because it was the moment I realized that Ryan and I would fight for our relationship forever. We both wanted to make it work and shared the desire to stay in love for the long haul.
Sometimes it’s easy to think that everyone around you has a perfect, care-free relationship. I love my relationship with my husband, but it’s not picture perfect. Our small group agreed that it was helpful to hear other couples share intimate feelings about the effort they put into their relationship and the fact that love is more than just a feeling. It’s something we must try hard to do.
Question of the Morning
- Was there a moment in your relationship (past or present) that you realized you were going to have to work at your relationship as a couple?
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Julie — this was such a wonderful post! My husband is not very religious, and I’m Catholic, so getting him in any “church-type” atmosphere makes him uncofortable. I’d love to have our own little weekly couples session where we discuss things similar to what you would in your church group. I’d love to see future blog posts about your small group meetings and topics/”curriculum” you discussed!
I truly appreciate your blog this morning. My husband and I hit that point just three months after we were married, and went through some unbelieveably difficult times. At the end of the day, we realized that we both wanted to stay together, to truly love each for the rest of our lives. We started going to couples therapy which has made all the difference in the world. It has taught us to communicate more effectively and how to put our relationship first….before work, friends, and even family. Because if we don’t have each other, then we have nothing at all. Thanks again for the great post!
I love this! So true. My bf and I were doing the long distance thing for quite a few months, I think the distance forced to work on things if we wanted to continue to be in each others lives. It definitely wasn’t the most fun, but it all worked out for the best in an interesting way:)
What church do you go to Julie?
That’s awesome about joining your first life group! We have those at my church too, I absolutely love them!
It’s always good to be reminded of that! My hubby and I started dating when we were 16, and didn’t marry until we were 25. It’s easy to get sucked into the every day routine and I’m glad you reminded me of it!
First I would just like to say I love this post! As someone who was recently engaged, I think not until a few months ago did I come down from my cloud and realize that love isn’t just cruise. My fiancé and I are going through a situation where we have to move cities and jobs and I realize I have to be willing to sit down and talk, and not just blow off the problems, figuring they will get solved later. Communicating feels so much better! He kept trying to get me to sit and talk about our issues, and I just wanted to figure it out myself later. It takes so much to sit down and talk without anger or getting frustrated and leaving. But it must be done, so go communication! Thanks for this post!
Lovely post, Julie! I totally agree – my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now and after both of us facing serious changes in our work life, we can fall into that trap quite easily as well. Instead of just going out to “grab dinner” on days where we’re really just to busy (er, lazy) to cook, we always try to make it into a date night. But relationships are a constant struggle and I love the idea of a small church group for couples in their 20s!
Julie – LOVE this post! My husband and I are part of a newly married small group through our church as well and I can honestly say it is the best decision we’ve made as a couple. Like you said, it’s very easy to think that everyone around you has a picture perfect relationship and you are the only ones going through hard times. We hit our “this is going to take a lot of work” moment during our first year of marriage and being able to openly share with others and hear we are not alone has been huge for us! Thanks for sharing!
This is such a good topic Julie. My husband I are in the exact same situation, actually—we just went to Week 2 of a new marriage-based small group, and we are watching a marriage DVD also! I think for us, the hardest part tends to be in the evenings, when expectations don’t quite match up. My husband works in the evenings a lot, and I get bored and want to talk/walk/go out to dinner, etc. So we’ve had to balance how much time we spend together and how much of it is quality time—you really do have to actively work at it, instead of just doing your own thing all the time. We’re getting there though, and the small group definitely inspires me!
Great post, and I think a great reminder. Although I’m currently single, this is essentially what ended up my previous relationship- my ex didn’t realize relationships (all of them, including the most amazing) take work and can occassionally hit a rough patch, even if you ARE so very much in love. It’s not always roses and boxes of chocolate.
Question for you- do you feel like breaks (or breaking up) can eventually lead a couple back to each other and stronger than before? I know you’re not like Oprah or something 😉 but it’s a question my girlfriends and I have chatted about recently and I think it’s kind of interesting!
Joelle – I could have written this EXACT same comment. I always say my exbf thought everything should be rainbows and butterflies and when it wasn’t he thought it meant it wasn’t going to work (and he’s 30, it’s not like he’s a naive 18 year old). I wish I could send him blog posts like this and be like SEE! Relationships are work! Just because you have to work on it and it’s not always easy, doesn’t mean it’s not right. He would think I was a total freak is I sent him blog posts though 🙂
As for your second part of your comment – I think every situation is different, and while me and my ex are certainly broken up, I know it’s not over (yet…maybe it will be) This break up forced us to seriously evaluate all issues in our relationship and now everything is out on the table. I like to think we might get back together once he realizes how great I am (haha) but who knows? To answer your question though – I think if the break is done right, with lots of communication and vulnerablity, I think it can help bring you back together.
Lisa – Loveeee your answer! I more or less feel the same way (haha one look at my blog posts on relationships would definitely prove that), although I definitely think it depends on the couple/time/etc. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
this is such a great topic, living with my boyfriend has made me realize that we will always have to work out our relationship, we arent perfect and both of us have our flaws but I think our flaws compliment each other.
I LOVE that you’re writing more personal posts again! This post was great to read and so easy to relate to!Thank you for doing this post 🙂
My boyfriend and I have been together just over 2 years and a lot of people our age (24+26) are getting married/engaged, and of course, we’re getting the “where’s the ring” questions a lot! In the past few months, we’ve both realized that love isn’t just a feeling but also something you do and show and have had several tearful conversations that have allowed us to open up more to each other and grow together. Though they are hard, if you’re right for each other, it all comes together in the end 🙂
I think my moment I realized that we’d have to work, was when we moved into the house a couple years ago. We hadn’t lived with each other yet, but now that we are where we are I wouldn’t change it for the world! We are both very open and we communicate well, which is nice! 🙂
I think the moment I realized it would take work is when my husband left his clean clothes on a shelf in our pantry one morning?!? He swears he only meant to leave them there for minute but I was a bit irritated since I’m an organized freak! We waited until we were married to move in together and we have had to do some adjusting but I wouldn’t change anything for the world! Yes, love takes work and it can be hard at times, but being with your best friend everyday is the easiest and most enjoyable part of life 🙂
Love this post, Julie!
My boyfriend and I were long distance for 4 years before we finally moved in together last April. You can imagine how good we got at communicating since that was pretty much our entire relationship 🙂 I was so excited (and a little nervous!) to move in with him since we were so great apart… our own lives, our own routines, but when we were together it was ‘our time’ and I loved that too.
Once we moved in- it just clicked! I was shocked at how much easier everything became… except we definitely hit those ‘speedbumps’ about the little things as well. He can’t stand that I leave one knife by the toaster every morning from my peanut butter toast! Kind of hilarious… but I really do try to put it in the dishwasher so he doesn’t stumble across it and resent me when he gets home from work. All about the compromise 🙂
I’d love to see future posts about your small group! Every relationship is work and it helps to hear about others and their relationships as well. Thanks again!
This could have not come at a better time!! I’ve recently have had these feelings (been married 2 years) and I couldn’t help but question my relationship if I’m feeling this just 2 years of being married. It just seems as if those around me and married are picture perfect. This makes me feel SO much better!
Oh gosh, I love this. I hope I find that someday.
I definitely know where you are coming from in this post! It is so hard to not just “go through the motions” when you live with someone. I definitely should watch this video with my boyfriend. Thanks, Julie!
Love this post! Thanks for sharing Julie!
LOVE ANDY Stanley. I go to his church here in ATL and recently got involved in a mid-twenties girls small group. All of his sermons are posted at northpoint website. They are such good messages for ALL people!
First, let me say that I enjoy Andy Stanley immensely and I think his teachings are all VERY biblical and second, I think small groups are the best way (at least for me) to connect with each other and with others in the church. We have a very tight-knit small group at our church in KY and while it’s not really small anymore ( I think we have something like 20 couples now!) it is such a blessing every week to study together and it never fails that I learn something new about them, myself, and my husband! LOVE LOVE LOVE this post 🙂
Julie, you are truly blessed to be in such a living relationship. I can only pray that God blesses me with a supporting relationship like you and Ryan!
Wonderful post!!
Good on you and Ryan for ‘working’ on your relationship before you feel like you actually need to. Being able to communicate and recognise how to truly love each other is so important!
My husband and I first realised it would be ‘work’ when we were apart for 10 months while we were dating (I was in Australia, he was in the US). It was hard work but we realised that we were willing to put the effort in and make it work. Communication and showing that we loved each other without actually being together made us stronger.
I loved in Ben Afleck’s acceptance speech at the Oscars how (when talking about Jennifer Garner) he said “…It is work, but it’s the best kind of work and there’s no one I would rather work with”. Wise words Ben, wise words!
Great post Julie, and good for you guys in joining that Life Group together! I am currently in a ladies Life Group but hope once my husbands work hours calm down we can join one together. It is so important to seek God together as 1. A marriage is constant work, even when you don’t think you need to “work” on it, you are just strengthening your marriage 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We hit this moment within the first year of dating- when we both decided that this is something that we want and will do anything to keep it strong, healthy, and alive.
He was engaged once before, to his high school sweetheart, and they were involved in a terrible car accident that took her life (in 2008). We met the following summer of 2009, but didn’t start dating until the summer of 2010. It took an emotional toll on both of us, but especially him, and rightfully so. We went through a lot of ups and downs to get to where we are today, but I am so glad that God brought him into my life, I can’t imagine it without him. I had my own relationship struggles prior to meeting him, and I know they say everything happens for a reason… but I really think that he and I were meant to find each other.
Emily, I just had to comment. What a touching story! You two are both SO STRONG…and I’m sure that your relationship just makes both of you stronger.
Thanks so much, Holly! I think that our relationship does make us stronger, as a couple and as individuals. He struggled a lot before we met; to the point of questioning if he even wanted to continue living his life; and made it clear that when we started dating, all of those feelings went away and he slowly but surely felt like his old self again. What he doesn’t realize is, he brought the light back into my life, too. I mentioned I had struggles of my own, and I meant it. He truly is a blessing and I am so grateful for him!
I also want to say that he knows that I do not expect him to forget about his past and he knows that if he ever wants to talk about it- I am here to listen. I’m not here to fill anyone’s shoes or replace any memories, those are his to cherish, and I will always respect that.
Emily, you sound like an amazing woman and a truly amazing partner. 🙂
Awesome post!! And I agree-love is a verb & it takes work. But if you found someone you admire & who makes you better, the work IS worth it 🙂 Love my man.
i have a couple friends i can talk about this with but you’re so right….everyone likes to think everyone else has a perfect, easy marriage and they don’t. we have this convo often after having our first baby. trying to keep the marriage first and not let my sweet, baby boy replace my husband, esp since i stay at home and am SOOOOOOO tired at the end of the day. thank you for sharing!
I think that moment came AFTER I got out of a past relationship and really examined what went wrong. I realized that we had assumed being in love would do all the work for us and we didn’t nurture the relationship the way we should have. When I started dating again, the main thing I looked for was someone who was willing to put in the hard work with me. I’m happy to say I’m now in a great relationship. Oddly enough, working hard to set up good patterns from the get go has made things so much easier! 🙂
“Staying In Love” is such a great series. Andy’s sermon this week was also for married couples, it’s called “You’ll Be Glad You Did” on northpointonline.tv, he has awesome advice! Enjoy the rest of Staying In Love, it’s really an eye opener!
Wow, great post Julie. So much truth in it! I can’t wait to hear more about the book and some of the group perspective’s you’ve been hearing at your small group this weekend.
M. Vick
My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have had many tests and have had to learn along the way but it wasn’t until recently that we realized that we are going to have to keep fighting for our relationship. So many of our friends are divorced now or separated.
Love love love Andy Stanley! I went to his high school youth group church retreats every year in high school and then was lucky enough to be a part of a branch of the church where he is the pastor in college! His sermons are so thought provoking abd eye opening. And he is so down to earth and easy to talk to in person. I’ll be interested to hear more about the DVD series!
Beautiful post Julie! Remember that marriage should be 3 people: you, your husband, and God. Always keep Him at the center of your relationship and walk with Him. I always find that some the strongest couples have the strongest faith 🙂 Coincidence? I think not!
I cannot agree with you more. My husband and I are firm believers that love is an action and marriage is work. The gushy feelings get in the way far too often in my opinion.
Thanks for sharing this.
Joining a small group almost 5 years ago really did change our lives in so many ways. It is so beneficial to have a close core group of people you can relate to, share with, pray with, & encourage. Yall will get so much out of this as a couple, & with your relationship with God:)
Wow, thank you so much for sharing Julie! I’m so happy for you guys and proud of you both for taking this huge step. Most people wouldn’t want to join because being vulnerable is hard~May God continue to bless you guys abundantly and flourish your marriage! Like you said, love IS a verb and it is something that we need to be intentional with or the enemy can easily destroy relationships.
thank you for this comment, ellie. i really was very anxious leading up to the first meeting, so i was so relieved that it went well and has proved to be such a rewarding experience only two short weeks in!
What a great post! I love Andy Stanley and I’m glad that you guys were able to find a small group. My fiance’ and I were leaders of a small group for a while and we have not transitioned to a small group for “nearly married” couples at our church and it’s been such an amazing group to be a part of. It’s nice to find comfort from others when you seem to struggle at times in your own relationship.
How awesome! I love Andy Stanley series and have done a few with a small Bible study I’m in. These sound great and I would love to find something that I could give my fiance for our wedding that’s from him.
Thanks for the bit of vulnerability today, Julie. It’s a common saying that relationships are work, but you really have no idea what that means until you are in one you want to work for.
LOVED this post, Julie. I also wish that Craig & I could be part of a similar small group Bible study. I think it will make your relationship SO MUCH STRONGER!
I also am reading a lot of the comments, and it sounds like Andy Stanley is a pretty popular pastor- I’m going to buy one of his books- I think I could get a lot out of it. Thanks again for the post, and I hope you write more about your studies.
Love this post. It is absolutely true. Staying in love takes work and dedication. It isn’t always easy. I was married and had a child at 19. We knew it wasn’t going to be easy and there were plenty of ups and downs. We agreed right off the bat to not fight about money or family. We saw too many couples let those 2 things come between them. You have to be willing to compromise and pick the battles worth fighting. I am happy to say that we have been married for 21 years now and recently empty nesters. Both of our kids are in college and I am only 40! While it was a rough summer last year with having an empty nest (and turning 40), we finally embraced it and now enjoying our lives together (without kids). It is kind of like dating all over again! Thanks goodness we still like each other :).
I LOVED this post…It’s so true and I emailed the link to the video to my boyfriend right away. He’s not very religious but I’m hoping this will hit home and inspire us to make some changes in our relationship. I’m sooo looking forward to more posts relating to this!! Thank you!
Love, love, love this post! My husband and I also attend a church that offers small group sessions. We attend one targeted at mid-20’s/early 30’s without children. Our small group is a sermon based discussion, but our group leaders (husband and wife leaders) planned for all of the married couples to go on a marriage retreat. The marriage retreat was great success, and I agree that it does help to listen to what other couples face. Listening to other couples’ issues can also help strengthen and make you appreciate your own marriage in a lot of ways as well. One of our sessions focused on the “love languages”. You should definitely look that up if you have never heard of it.
Hi Julie! First of all, I loved this post! Thanks for sharing! Andy Stanley’s messages are some of my favorite to listen to while I work out!
I do have a question for you though, and I want to start by saying I am not meaning this to be judgmental or criticizing; it is an honest question. I am wondering how you came to the decision to live together before you were married, and how you reconcile that with your clearly strong Christian faith. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
this is such a great post and I could not agree more that happy, healthy relationships do take work! my in-laws just very recently got a divorce (ugh 🙁 ) so this is something my husband and I have been focusing on a lot lately–that we have to make our relationship a priority!
I love this post. Not only the concept but the fact you opened up about it and spoke about your relationship as having ups AND downs. It’s nice to just read honesty sometimes. I have never been in a committed relationship or a long term relationship for that matter but it’s true that love is something you have to DO. Just like those who are trying to make a relationship work, you can go by the old saying, “It takes two to tango”. You need both hearts to be IN it and WORK with it… Not just be present.
This is really amazing! Thank you for sharing, Julie. My last relationship failed because my boyfriend gave up when it got a little difficult. He never really tried and I was the only on putting in any effort. I’m now thankful for the way things ended up, but at the time it was a little difficult to watch someone walk away before they even bothered to try.
I have been married about a year and a half, together for 4 years. I went into my current relationship knowing that relationships are normally difficult-I had a previous relationship where everything was so hard. We fought a lot, and I was hurt in a big way… But I healed eventually. After I met my now-husband I think I was just surprised how easy things were in comparison. I mean, yes we had conflict occasionally… But when you are with the person you were made for, the one you know will fight for your relationship no matter how hard it is… It’s soooo much easier. You have fights but its ok because you know you’ll get through it together. We always say that love is a choice… And we choose to love each other every day. 🙂
I love this! My ex-boyfriend and I were long distance for 2 of the three years we dated and when we had our first sign of straining about 1 year in, that’s when I realized that being in love and feeling in love with each other wasn’t enough to make a relationship work. Sadly, two years down the road he lost sight of that, but I think it was a good lesson for me to learn and will really help me bring my best to my next serious relationship.
I think it is something that not a lot of people tell you that relationships take work. In movies it is all about the first stage of love during the honeymoon phase but they never focus on the hard work phase which can make it difficult for people when they hit it as they may not think its normal. For me and my bf it was a matter of scheduling date nights and always properly talking things out but it’s not something you can stop doing. I wholeheartedly agree love is a verb but it really does pay off if you both stick with it and are willing to keep fighting for it 🙂