I figured I would approach this post like I do most of my blog posts — as if I’m sitting down to have a conversation with a friend. In this instance, I wanted today’s post to incorporate a few things: A few specific struggles we faced in our marriage after kids, certain things we’ve implemented in our marriage since becoming parents that have worked really well for us and and the underlying understanding that it’s totally natural for a marriage and relationship to change after kids.
Once we become parents for the first time, I think it’s next to impossible not to focus on our babies, worry about our children and feel totally immersed in our new roles as parents but I also think it’s incredibly important to talk about and work through changes in our marriages, especially those relating to our wants and needs from our spouse as our married relationships and family dynamics shift.
So let’s dive into the meat of this post, shall we? I feel like this blog post is a little all over the place but I also think that’s representative for how I feel about motherhood and marriage after kids in general. It’s messy and all over the place and really awesome, too… Even if some days you feel more ragey toward your spouse than you ever thought possible.
I’m not married to the perfect man and Ryan is definitely not married to the perfect woman so please read this post with that understanding. Some things may not resonate with you and others may and that’s okay! Every marriage and relationship is different and ours certainly is no better than others but it is a happy, loving relationship I am grateful to be in every single day.
In no particular order, here are a few things that came up in our marriage after kids that felt worth mentioning in this space. I’d absolutely love to hear more about your experiences in your relationships after kids — what changes you noticed, certain things you implemented that helped your marriage move forward, etc. I always learn so much from all of you and would love it if you took the time to weigh in, too!
Marriage After Kids
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Having the “Default Parent” Conversation
This may sound like I’m giving dads a bad wrap but I also think it’s important to be honest about the roles of a mother after a baby is born. So often (not always, I realize), moms end up becoming what feels like the “default” parent. As someone who nursed my babies until they were nearly 14 and 15 months old (neither of whom took a bottle well), I often felt like I was the go-to parent for our boys for months on end because often nursing = food, comfort, etc. (This is also largely to blame for what I’ll call the “nursing rage” I mentioned in this post.) Whether a mom stays home or works full-time it seems like moms are often the parent who knows more about their child’s wants, needs, preferences, routines, etc. This often translates into me being the parent who packs up the diaper bag for the kids, makes their meals, shops for whatever they need for the week, stays on top of school commitments, etc. I truly didn’t even realize how much this was weighing on me until I found myself snapping at Ryan when we were about to leave the house with the kids one weekend. When he asked if I was about ready, I said, “NO. It takes me longer since I have to worry about more than just grabbing my phone and wallet.” Ooph. TRUTH BOMB. It was right then and there that I realized resentment was building up and we clearly needed to have a conversation.
Once I told Ryan I was feeling like it was ME who was in charge of most of the things related to the boys, I could tell he felt awful. He’s a wonderful father and a helpful father but I found myself doing more and more because it felt easier to just do it myself than ask for his help. Ryan is always willing to happily help and once I told him that I felt like I was the one in charge of everything related to the boys, we knew something had to change. I am now a LOT more upfront in asking Ryan to do x, y, z related to the boys and he now takes more initiative to help with things that I’d usually be scrambling to do before we head out the door. I think so often I hope he’ll just know what I want and need as a mother and wife but time and time again I’m learning to speak up and be direct with my wants and needs because it always makes a big difference. Communication, as always, is KEY.
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Give a Head’s Up When You’re Feeling Off
This is one of those things Ryan and I started doing before kids that became even more important once we had little ones in the mix. You know those days when you wake up and you just feel off? Or those evenings you have when you feel increasingly irritable for no real reason? Or when every little thing is making you upset and cranky? We ALL have those days and Ryan and I try our best to give the other person a head’s up when we’re feeling this way. It’s a simple way of saying, “hey, listen, it’s not you, it’s me” and since these moments seem to happen more often after kids enter the picture and you’re absolutely exhausted, it helps the other person know you might need a little space or, on the flip side, a little more love and patience that day.
I also remember a friend telling me to ask myself, “Are you just feeling tired?” during the newborn days when I was feeling all the things about everything and all too often my answer to this simple question was YES. When we’re tired, we’re not the best versions of ourselves and recognizing my feelings were likely stemming from an ongoing state of exhaustion was oddly eye-opening.
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No Phones in Bed Rule
I know this is going to sound dramatic, but this rule changed our relationship post-kids. So often, we’d both crawl into bed completely exhausted at the end of the day and then scroll through our phones for a while, read and then fall asleep. Most of our evening conversations took place as we scrolled away. Talk about a horrible way to connect with your spouse! I think smart phones have been horribly distracting for in-person connection and am very aware of being off my phone when I’m around friends and family so why wasn’t I applying this to my husband, too!?
Once Ryan and I recognized that our phones were getting more of our attention before bed than our relationship we knew something had to change. We quickly adopted a “no phones in bed” rule and it’s been HUGE. We now talk and listen and laugh and connect before we read at the end of the day and I go to bed nearly every night feeling like I got some much-needed quality time with my husband. Neither of us watch much TV and we both wake up really early so most nights after we put the kids to bed, we head to bed ourselves to talk before we read and go to sleep and it’s an evening routine I LOVE.
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Recognizing the Newborns Days are Just a Phase
I can still remember turning to Ryan months after Ryder was born and saying, “I miss you.” With two children to care for, our evenings felt chaotic and I was often attached to our newborn while Ryan took over our toddler’s bedtime routine. By the time we made it to bed ourselves, we were too tired to make much of an effort to connect. During one evening conversation when we actually stayed awake long enough to really talk, I remember both of us saying that even though we felt like we were passing ships in the night, being second-time parents gave us a really helpful perspective and the innate knowledge that what we were going through was a phase that would eventually end… and it did.
Some of my favorite memories from the newborn days with Chase were the moments he would fall asleep in one of our arms on the couch and we would have time to talk and connect. Those sweet, quiet sleepy baby moments were a LOT harder to come by with two children in the mix, but at least while we were in the thick of things, we had the knowledge that the craziness and sleeplessness wouldn’t go on forever. We didn’t use this as an excuse to put our marriage on the back-burner, however recognizing the baby phase was something that would pass and we’d have our evenings back to spend quality time as a couple again soon was really helpful. We had firsthand knowledge that there was light at the end of the newborn baby tunnel.
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Let Go of Perfection… And Just Let Them Do It
I don’t consider myself a perfectionist at all and yet I definitely fell into the trap many mothers fall into where we’re more likely to “just do it ourselves” than ask our spouse for help because we feel like we do it better, faster, more thoroughly, etc. I began to find myself taking over so many tasks that eventually I felt incredibly overwhelmed. I married a smart, strong, capable man who wants to help and I needed to let go of my desire to do it “better” and let him do it his way. Now when he vacuums I try to just be grateful he vacuumed rather than notice the spot under the cabinet he missed. When he gets the boys dressed, I try not to notice their mismatched outfits and just be glad they’re clothed.
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Check in with Each Other (Not Just About the Kids)
It’s hard not to talk about the kids non-stop when so much of my day revolves around our boys but when Ryan and I take the time to ask each other about each other it’s something that makes both of us feel cared for beyond our roles as Mom and Dad. Genuinely listening to how your spouse is feeling about work, day-to-day life, their struggles and goals outside of parenting is incredibly helpful. Yes, often my feelings and stories involve our boys but I’m also more than just Mom. When Ryan sees this side of me, recognizes Julie beyond “Mom” and supports me unconditionally, it feels incredibly important not only to me but to our relationship as a couple as well.
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Find the Humor
There is a lot to laugh about when it comes to parenting. Parenting can be overwhelming and exhausting… and hysterical. And no one finds your kids funnier than you and your spouse so taking the time to really laugh with Ryan and share ridiculous stories about our boys is something we do often. Oh and believe me some days there’s a fine line between laughing because yet another thing went wrong and crying or lashing out at your spouse because yet another thing went wrong. If at all possible, opt for laughter.
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Give Each Other Time Away
Ryan and I both respect our need for time away from our children and our family. We both feel our outside interests and our friends are important so when one of us approaches the other about and occasional weekend away with friends or a weeknight dinner with a friend, it’s met with encouragement rather than an eye-roll. One of the best parts about time away from parenting is the way it can breathe life back into motherhood, fatherhood and marriage. I miss my family like crazy after a weekend away and a weeknight dinner with my friends with uninterrupted conversation rejuvenates me and makes me feel more like me. It’s important and something Ryan and I both recognize and embrace.
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Be Proactive with Offering Help
I once read a piece of advice that encouraged couples to look for ways to serve and help each other on a daily basis. It talked about doing this without expectation of reciprocation but I’ve found that when Ryan and I go out of our way to look for ways to help each other, the other person naturally begins doing the same. Ryan is fully aware that “Acts of Service” have jumped up several rungs on my Love Languages ladder ever since we had kids and cleaning the house or offering to take over bath time solo so I can get some work done means a million times more to me than a bouquet of flowers.
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Divide Up Jobs Based on Preferences… and Don’t Keep Score
This is something that we began before kids but now that we have children and more household jobs and must-dos are on our plate (with less time to do them!), it’s become all the more important. In a relationship, it seems like there are certain jobs relating to household chores and caring for kids that one partner might detest but the other partner doesn’t mind nearly as much. For example, I hate doing dishes but Ryan doesn’t mind doing dishes, so most nights, after dinner, he’s in charge of the dishes. Ryan gags at the thought of cleaning toilets but for some reason it doesn’t bother me, so that’s something I tackle.
I also think it’s incredibly important for our boys to see both of us chipping in and doing things around the house regularly because I want to raise men who are helpful, take initiative and don’t expect a woman to do everything related to housework and cleaning for them. (I truly cringe at the thought.) Another important note: Don’t keep score. I think sometimes it’s hard not to feel like we “do more” than our spouse because we know and can rattle off everything we do in a day but that’s not helpful for anyone, let alone a loving relationship. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t voice your feelings if you feel like the scale is off balance but if, for the most part, things in your home feel fair, I think it’s important to do housework and chores without adding whatever task you just completed to a mental tally against your spouse.
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Remember “It’s Caught, Not Taught”
This phrase is one that applies to SO many aspects of parenting and raising children and it’s something I think about constantly. We can tell our boys it’s important to respect others but if they don’t see us speaking respectfully, it means nothing. We can tell our boys it’s important to pick up after ourselves but if they don’t see us doing the same, why should they feel it’s important? If they don’t see a marriage that is built on support, kindness, compassion and love, how much harder will it be for them to learn to model this behavior in their own relationships in the future? Thinking about this is such an incredible motivator for me and Ryan to work on our relationship both privately and in front of our children.
Question of the Day
- What is one thing you wish you knew about marriage after kids before your children were born?
- What is one thing you implemented in your marriage after kids that made a big difference in your relationship for the better?
- What is one thing that surprised you about your marriage after kids?
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My husband and I are expecting our first baby in May – a sweet little boy! I’m admittedly a little nervous for how the transition will go as we cross into parenthood. This really helps put into perspective how marriage (and parenting) is 100/100 not a 50/50 give and take. Thank you for sharing vulnerably and honestly!
Congratulations, Bryanna!!! So happy for you! Kids have definitely changed our relationship and it’s absolutely a journey but such a good one — even on the hard days. There’s a big adjustment period after a baby enters the family but being open and communicating helps a ton… especially on the ragey days — haha! Sending you love and wishing you and your husband the very best!!
My husband and I are going through newborn stage with baby #4 and it’s rough right now.
This post was just what I needed!
Thank you!
Would love to see more marriage advice post more often!
What an incredible post. Our first baby is due in less than 6 weeks and I totally ate this up! So many good tips in here! Thanks for writing it! <3
This is a great post! I like the no phones in bed rule. My husband and I have our first child back in August. We know that is important for our family for us to put our marriage first. It will be best for our son. Thank you for being open on this topic.
It seems like such a small thing but it really did make such a big different fro us!
This is so so good. My husband and I don’t have kids (yet) and are about to celebrate our first anniversary. However, we were married older than our friends (33 & 36) so have had to unlearn a lot of our independent habits. I think so much of what you said applies to all couples, kids or not! Thank you for sharing <3
Thanks so much for this post – I feel like it shows a realistic picture of life versus just a sanitized version. Great to read and to apply!
Absolutely LOVED this post! SO much of what you said resonated with me – like I could actually picture myself and my spouse in some of the exact same scenarios! Thank you for your raw honesty. I got some great takeaway tips!
amazing post! What incredible words of wisdom! thank you!
Love this! I’ve been talking with my husband about how we will need to communicate and be patient with one another as we are bringing our first into the world soon. These are great tips that I hope to implement.
Also want to acknowledge that you will probably get quite a few people share that they love this post for the same reason, but I also know it might be hard on you since your baby’s due date would have been around the same time. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers and your readers appreciate your openness and care about you!
You are so kind to remember. Thank you, Dana. Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy and delivery! <3
I needed this! We are going THROUGH it right now with our second, a less-than-easy 8 month old while trying to juggle crazy toddler life and also keep our relationship a top priority…. makes me feel better to know everyone has these struggles! Now please excuse me while I tend to the crying baby who just woke from a whopping 20 minute nap’
The transition from one to two kids can be brutal at times!! There’s just ZERO downtime and it definitely took a lot of adjusting for us — sending you supportive vibes and good wishes for more rest SOON!!
I read (and had my husband read some of) Babyproofing your Marriage before we had our first child. I found it really interesting and helpful going into parenthood. We had baby 2 last summer and two kids is no joke! Now more than ever communication is key and I’m also repeating “everything is a stage and a phase” as I look forward to getting out of the baby fog. I gifted my husband the book Eight Dates for Christmas so we can take the year to focus on reconnecting and am looking forward to taking the first date this weekend. I’ve learned you have to be more intentional about making the connection post kids since time is limited.
After our son was born (now 13 months) I started working part time, so I naturally picked up a bit more of the household chores as part of my “job” since I was home during the day to do it. My husband is still wonderful in sharing responsibilities, but in this transition I realized I needed him to acknowledge the things that I do during the day and not the things I don’t do. Example – If I had wanted to clean the bathroom, but it just didn’t happen BUT dinner is on the table and the kitchen is clean don’t mention the bathroom but let me know you appreciate the stuff I was able to accomplish. After explaining this to him he totally understood and now does a great job of appreciating the difficulty in entertaining a baby/toddler and keeping up with other tasks throughout the day as well. It all comes back to communicating our needs to prevent resentment from building.
I love this Julie! I unfortunately often fall into the social media trap of seeing a couple online who seems so perfect and assume they never have issues, always get along, etc. (and then wonder what is wrong with me!) Even though I know that every one is human and it’s impossible for everything to be perfect all the time. So I really appreciate you sharing this with us!
My husband and I planned to have two kids, three years apart. But his job when our oldest was young was awful so we pushed our plan to four years so he could switch jobs. Of course we didn’t realize it would take a whole year, including a loss, before I would be pregnant with our second son. (A reminder to myself… always a planner…that some things can’t be planned). So our boys are five years apart which often means that we “divide and conquer”. Our eight year old loves going to the movies and our four year old can’t sit still. He also isn’t quite ready to attend sporting events like his big brother. So we went through a long phase where I would say to my husband, “I feel like we are roommates who each have one child but we all live together.” Lol! We definitely try to find the humor!
This is so random and I know you don’t watch much TV but the new six episode documentary called “Cheer” on Netflix is AMAZING! Talk about overcoming difficulties…I haven’t even finished all of the episodes but I find myself thinking about it constantly. It’s SO inspiring for anyone trying to overcome any hardship and so motivating to work hard.
I totally get this! Even with kids 3 years apart, sometimes we divide up because they’re not completely in sync and that can make it even harder to feel connected as a family. It’s all just one big juggling act sometimes!! Phew!
This is a great post! Thanks for sharing. We’ll have our third (within 3 years and 2 months oof) in a couple months and the thing that has most helped us is being able to call time out on yourself or your partner. When you’re not dealing well with the stress, you get to take yourself out of the situation for a couple minutes to collect yourself rather than spiraling and making it worse. And if you see the other snapping at the kids or losing it in some other way, you get to tell the person to go take a couple minutes. And we’ve agreed not to get annoyed over it but welcome the grace and the break. Of course doesn’t work in the hours when we’re each solo parenting but has helped us manage when it’s a possibility.
I LOVE THIS and definitely want to use this in our house!! Thank you for sharing. I can absolutely see how taking a couple of minutes to regroup would be so, so helpful for EVERYONE when you’re just not handling things well. So good!
Love this post Julie!
All of those things resonate with my relationship with my husband after our baby was born. It is nice to know we are “not alone” on this.
I love your bed-phone rule.
Love to you and your family
I don’t have any kids yet, but this is something I think about constantly, as I am anticipating challenges that come along with children as we are nearing that point. How children changes your marriage seems to be at the forefront of many conversations I have with friends with little ones, and to be honest, it’s a little scary. Thank you SO much for sharing this. I have bookmarked this on my phone to refer to and share with my husband when that time comes for us in the near future. You words were perfect and beautiful. Thank you!!!
Thank you for such an honest, relatable post. I nodded and laughed as I read it, and learned some new ideas to keep in mind with my marriage now that we have a child. We need more of these discussions in the world – women being honest while still being positive and supporting each other. Love this!
You did an amazing job with this post. A lot of it resonates with me. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant with my third and I’m not looking forward to how a newborn changes things in our relationship (it has the last 2 kids, so I expect it). Luckily, I know it’s temporary and that eventually we come out from the haze and things settle. I’m also in the process of losing my Mom to terminal cancer during this pregnancy. I’m amazed the way my husband has stepped up to really “check in” with me. I’m a constant ball of emotions and I appreciate that he sees I need more help – not just physically, but emotionally. Men aren’t perfect and neither are we but it’s so nice to know you/me have made the right choice in a partner during these tough times.
My heart hurts for you going through such a hard time with your mother while also trying to think about transitioning from two to three kids… Having another baby is not easy in the best circumstances but I’m sure the added stress is just too much to handle some times. I’m so, so glad you have such a supportive husband. <3 Sending love your way.
Thank you, thank you for your transparency, sensitivity, and thoroughness! All of these ring true for us. You hit all the best points. And yes(!) RETAKE the love language test post kids.
After baby one, at seven months, we did a “staycation”—a night in downtown Chicago while my Mom slept over here. It was just over a measly 12 hours, but made a huge difference in our transition to parenthood. A check-in, breather, and reset all in one. The tank empties real quick during that newborn/new baby phase.
For baby two, we were ready for that—so we overflowed it. Lots of date nights and dinners leading up to trying.
My advice, after ten years together, yes know your triggers and (!) your own argumentative style—then take a big slice of humble pie. I was a “stormer outter” if it got to a certain point, I’d leave. I’d walk around the block. Jump in the car. Anything. I can’t do that anymore, I have to face the music and calmly get to the heart of it.
I loved my husband before, but I love him and even more now. We were in the trenches together—and that’s quite an amazing bond. Kids only made us better.
I love so many things about this comment! I nodded my head when you talked about knowing each others’ triggers- and working to avoid them. Definitely easier said than done sometimes but so important. Thank you for sharing!
Ahhhh thank you for this post! I’m currently pregnant with our first and curious/scared how our relationship will change. It’s been just us 2 and our dogs for so many years, I know the dynamic will change some. This has been very helpful!
You may not feel comfortable answering but maybe some of your readers can weigh in. How do y’all make sex a priority after babies? We have an 8 month old who is attached to me (whether nursing or being held) and when she goes to bed at night I just collapse into bed with my book and honestly am not in the mood to be touched or like… do anything that takes any effort haha. I know sex is so important but I have a hard time getting my mind to switch gears from baby/motherhood mode to “in the mood” mode. It also feels so scheduled if we put her down for a nap and have to instantly get ourselves in the mood bc we are on a timeline. We went from scheduled trying to make a baby sex to less than comfortable pregnancy sex to tired parents sex ? yikes. It doesn’t seem to happen organically and spontaneous and it feels a lot like we just look at each other and say “should we go have sex now?” ???♀️ How do y’all liven things up??
You said this perfectly!!! Interested in this too although I totally understand if it’s TMI to blog about! Going through infertility and eventually IVF gave me a bit of a complex about sex and now with a 7 month old and 3 year old, I feel very over touched by the end of the day.
I would suggest getting a vibrator or something similar so that you can get a “quick fix” on the nights when you both are really tired. It’s not as good for me as the real deal, but can help spice things up and make it feel like quickies are a little more satisfying for me, rather than just my husband.
You took the words right out of my mouth!! Haha. 8-mo old over here, too, and sex is the last thing on my mind. My husband is quite the opposite, poor guy. I feel exhausted and just touched out from nursing that I just want and need time alone. Thank goodness he understands and we find other ways to be intimate, but I’ve read that nursing triggers that in women sometimes as a way to tell your body “hey we have a job to do, now is not the time to have another baby.”
Haha… but yeah, every word you said is us- you’re certainly NOT alone. ?
I LOVED this post. Thank you for being so honest and thorough in what you covered. My husband and I have 2 little girls, and I have felt and relate to all the things you touched on in this post (particularly being the default parent). I’m having to sort of coach myself out of feeling resentful that I have to ask my husband to do things, even though he’s willing to do them. I wish he knew what’s running through my head as we prepare for an afternoon out, but I know that may be an unrealistic expectation, or I should be grateful that he will happily help if I provide some direction. I don’t often comment, so that should tell you it definitely struck a chord and was a much appreciated post!
YES!! Totally get what you’re saying — it’s like I hate that I have to ask but at the same time ASKING is what works because he’s always happy to help… I just wish he could read my mind. Haha! But yes, keeping communication open is so helpful and helps prevent resentment from creeping in which can happen so easily post-kids.
This was awesome! So many great things to think about. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Amazing post. Thank you for this, so helpful and really resonates with me!
What a great post! Thanks for your transparency! I am a stay at home mom and sometimes tell myself its ok that I take on most of the responsibilities in the home (both with parenting and housework) because my husband has long work days but then I just end up feeling resentful. I know I need to communicate when I need help so that’s something I need to work on. I also need to work on pursuing my husband more and making our him a priority. I often hear that marriage should be your #1 relationship because your kiddos will eventually move out, but definitely easier said than done when you are in the season of raising little people.
I think this is a great post Julie (per usual :))! I recently read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and you mimic a lot of what she mentions in her book!
Sorry this comment is not about this post but I saw on IG you were eating the last of your RX bar holiday flavors. Wanted to let you know Boxed.com sells them past the holidays (They have them right now on sale). They are always cheaper than the stores anyway – I buy a bunch of things form there that my kids tear through b/c it’s almost always cheaper than even BJs or Costco. Check it out! You also get 15% off your first purchase. Enjoy!
This is awesome!!! Thank you! Looking into this now!
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post! Thank you so much for writing this piece and for being so vulnerable in it. This is the kind of writing I love to see from bloggers – real, raw, personal (but not overly so), and full of real-world advice, lessons learned, etc. It helps other SO MUCH to read things like this. Thanks again Julie!
I have to say my favorite piece of advice is the one where you talk about giving each other a heads up if you’re having an off day. I’ve been doing this for years with various people in my life and it is a tremendous help for everyone involved. I think it’s important to let others know that they’re not the problem when you’re having a tough time … in many cases, it eases the tension, gives you the opportunity to talk with them about what’s bothering you (as they’re likely to ask what IS bothering you), and then you can work on fixing it with them instead of on your own.
I never comment but have read your blog for years. To be honest, some of the material lately, to me, has seemed dry, trite, and boring but this post is the reason I continue to read. Your honesty is refreshing and I truly relate to your struggles post-baby. We have a son who is 10 months and we have had a few arguments recently because I have felt the weight of the responsibility of being the default parent. We also haven’t communicated as well as we could have in a few instances. Taking a step back and reevaluating situations is so key. Taking space and talking out of rationality rather than passion or anger is tough but necessary.
Thank you for this post.
The struggle with feeling like a default parent is truly one that is ongoing for us — BUT being upfront and speaking my mind/expressing my needs helps so so much. It’s definitely a journey!
Great post! I have 15 month old twin boys and find that I relate on so many levels. Thank you for sharing!
Loved this post, definitely resonates with me in I am trying to figure out this ” marriage after kids ” season of life right now!
Both my hubby and I know what it means to be ” really tired ” . We joke about complaining about being tired after a late night out back when it was the two of us. Little did we know what we were in for during the newborn stage, ha!
We make date night a priority. Even if its take out on the couch after bed time. Creating that time for just the two of us is just so important. Love the idea of checking in with each other, going to work on that.
One thing that surprised me after kids is the level of connection/love/appreciation for my husband. I didn’t think the feelings could get any stronger but they definitely have!
I haven’t seen anyone else mention it but have you heard of or read Fair Play? It seems like you’ve happened upon a lot of the same principles, but I appreciated the author’s recommendation to each completely own certain tasks. This has helped my husband and I more equally share not just the tasks but the mental burden and coordination. Half of the challenge of being a mom is the constant running list of things to do/worry about and having your partner be totally responsible for some of these details is very helpful!
Appreciate you sharing your perspective on this area, parenting and maintaining who we are ourselves…and then within key relationships is so important but takes work and attention!
Such a great post. I can relate SO much to all of this! And the part about the default parent – so. spot. on. It’s so easy to feel resentful when you feel like you’re doing more that your spouse. It’s so true that communication and honesty really is key! Another thing that works for us is making sure we get out for date nights. It’s amazing how much we can reconnect when it’s just the two of us doing something fun and not having all our attention on the baby.
This is a great post, thank you so much for sharing. My husband and I just had baby number 2 in August and the transition from 1 to 2 has been a doozy! It was very comforting and encouraging to read your post and to know that everything we’re going through right now is normal and that so many other parents are in the same boat. One thing that my husband and I have started doing since we had our second baby is to try to do more little things for each other. For example, I love waking up to the smell of coffee in the morning but by the time the kids are in bed I’m usually to tired to even make the coffee and set the timer for the next day. Lately my husband has started doing this for me after I go to bed at night and it makes me so happy every morning to wake up to freshly brewed coffee! Since we don’t have much time for dates/alone time at the moment, little gestures like this go a long way toward making each of us feel cared for and appreciated.
Isn’t is amazing how such small things make a big difference? When Ryan started cleaning up our living room and kitchen on the nights I get the boys started on their bath I swear it was SO incredibly appreciated. He noticed that it’s something I do every night and when he started going out of his way to check something off MY list, it was so nice. I so agree that “little gestures go a long way” especially when all other aspects of life feel crazy!
This was a great post! Thank you for sharing. As a mom to an 11 month old and 2 year old I found it extremely relatable. Please write more of these insightful posts! I know they take more time to properly articulate your feelings but it is much appreciated. Marriage and kids are all of the wonderful things you described above but it is also hard and exhausting and that’s ok. Life can be beautiful and messy at the same time. Thanks again.
Thank you, Shannon! I love writing these types of posts so much and am glad it resonated with you.
I babysat for a couple, typically every Friday night. This was their date night. They told me that this was the best way to show their kids love, was also by loving each other and carving time out for date nights and strengthening their marriage. I’m not trying to say how often it is, as it will vary by couple…but I feel this is very important. To make time for each other to get out of the house together.
The idea of having a SET date night on the calendar with a babysitter automatically on the schedule is awesome. Thanks for sharing this!
I also babysat for a family where the parents did the weekly Thursday date night. The youngest loved to watch her mom put on lipstick as they were getting ready for the night out. What a great tradition and example they set for the kiddos.
After reading your blog for probably around 10 years, this is the first time I have commented. Without a doubt this is the best article you have ever written. As a newly wed who has just been diagnosed with a rare disease and clinically diagnosed with ocd, a lot of what you said is so true and puts things into perspective. I think it’s easy in this age for social media to make life look pretty cruise even if that is not the image you are trying to portray but this article made me realise there is more to life and marriage than having a perfectly vacuumed house or being the one doing the most. At a time like this, this article has really helped me so thank you 🙂 P. S love the home reno’s you have been doing!!
I love this post! So many really great points! We have a 5 and 8 year old and I feel like we get to spend so much more time focusing on our relationship now than we could a few years ago. We’re expecting our third in March and I want to keep all of this in mind as I anticipate all the stress a newborn will put on our marriage.
Definitely had a similar moment lashing out about how many people I have to get ready to leave the house! Made me laugh out loud!
More posts like this, please!! Love your honesty here.
Thank you so much for this post! I’m a super newlywed (like, four-days-ago newlywed, ha), but my husband (!) and I know that we would like to have kids at some point. None of our peers have kids, and while that certainly could change before we have kids, it’s nice to read a post like this and get some insight on what to expect down the line. I so appreciate your openness and honesty about things related to parenting. Even though every parent, child, and relationship is different and individual, I feel like I at least have an idea of what being a parent is like thanks to your posts. Thank you!
congrats!!! dont jump into having kids too soon! enjoy your new hubby and build a foundation!!
Great thoughtful post! Enjoyed this!
Great post, Julie! We’re expecting our first this summer (probably quite close to Chase’s due date) so this truly resonates and is a good refresher. My husband and I are both SO guilty of just doing it all rather than asking for help, so we’re learning :). Now being a mama-to-be, your experiences with pregnancy and loss resonate so much more. Sending all of the love your way and praying you and Ryan have nothing but joy moving forward. Thanks again!
While I’m not a mom yet, I so appreciate this post! It’s scary to think about having a child let alone the changes to one’s marriage. This does make me admittedly really nervous & scared, but I hope we can navigate it with as much grace as possible while also being honest that it will just be plain tough. I don’t know how m parents had us twins! I wouldn’t have my life any other way, but to think of going from zero to two is even crazier the older I get! ? Again, thank you so much for sharing this! I know I’ll come back to it.
Great post, Julie. My husband I are child-free by choice and I feel like so much of this applies even without kids. The resentment is real when it comes to feeling like you are the one who has to manage and remember everything. My husband is also always willing to help, but I just don’t want to have to ask. Like you said, I want him to read my mind…or at least be receptive to seeing what needs to be done without prompting. He is usually amazing with this but there are definitely those days/weeks when I feel overwhelmed and need him to take on more. My challenge is communicating that. Thanks for the honesty, and based on all the comments, a great conversation starter.
YAY JULIE. this post is amazing. and this topic! boy oh boy, I feel as if there could be so many more posts on this topic. The one word that comes to mind for me is: Intentional! Being intentional with my time, my husband, my daughter, I started working full time (out of the house) when she was almost 3 yrs old, (working evenings/nights) so my schedule was wonky and I have to be very intentional with my time. You also have to know yourself well, and how best you function. I function better busier, vs when i stayed at home with my 4.5 yr old, when she was a baby. Needless to say, intentionally investing looks like small meaningful conversations in the kitchen as i make/ pack up dinner, before work, when my husband gets home, or an marriage small group at church, occasional date nights, passing hugs, words of affirmation… looks different for everyone, but it has to be done!!
Yes and Yes! Great post! After 13 years of marriage and 2 kiddos, I’m trying to crawl back to where we were before kids (and smart phones). I say “I’m trying” because he really tries to get me engaged in “us”. I need to find me again.
Yes, to everything you mentioned! I got 3 boys and I tell you it gets way easier to connect with your husband when the kids are older. I felt like we were constantly trying hard to find that connection, and I feel like especially with the ups and downs of Mom life it’s easy to forget about everything else in life. It was very hard for us when the kids were little and needed our attention 24/7. Now that the kids are way past toddlerhood, and have more activities/sports to do with other kids, it leaves a lot of time for me to reconnect with my husband. I’m not worried as much anymore.
I love this post! My husband and I just got married a month ago and while we both want children in the next few years (I am an elementary school counselor and am so excited to one day have my own kiddos!), I recently began thinking “Oh my gosh, how will this change our relationship and how can we keep it awesome?” It’s starting to feel real and this was a great read for me to open up a discussion with my much better half.
P.S. I live in Huntersville too and see you around every once in a while. I’m always too shy to say hi, but whenever a Julie sighting happens, I’m like, “I could really go for a spoonful of peanut butter right now”, lol!
thanks for such a great post – i’m sure this is yet another one of your posts that i’ll find myself referring back to in the years ahead! This year, our Christmas season was so busy with our toddler and at times we felt really overwhelmed by all of the fun events we had committed to doing. On Christmas morning, my husband gave me a card that said, “Thank you for making Christmas happen for our family. I know it wasn’t easy, but it was perfect”, and it’s probably one of the best presents I’ve ever received. To be seen and acknowledged for all the work that goes into planning even the fun stuff while also working full time felt so, so great.
That is so, so sweet. I love it!!
This post was something i desperately needed! We are expecting our second child in 5 weeks and I just told my husband I am afraid we are loosing us. Being pregnant with a 18 month old is more overwhelming than I ever thought. One thing that I wish I would of known was that its okay to not be who you were when you first met, because you aren’t those people anymore. Also just surviving is okay, the fact everyone made it through the day is a huge win some days. One thing we implemented was having breakfast as a family as often as possible. My husbands work schedule is crazy and trying to have a sit down supper as a family was not happening so we all get up early and do breakfast together. One thing that surprises is me what make me happy, before kids just having him hold my hand really grounded me but now just watching my husband play with our son makes me happier than anything.