Earlier this week, I found out my body miscarried our baby. Do I say I miscarried our fifth baby because this has already happened twice before? Do I say I miscarried our third baby because we have two healthy boys? I hate that these are thoughts I have in my head because this is a place we’ve been in the past.
Ryan and I knew we wanted another baby and were thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again in July. I took a pregnancy test at home while Ryan was at work and when I saw the positive result, I couldn’t wait until he got home to tell him. I called him, creepily asked him if he was alone, and then told him I was pregnant. We were so, so excited.
I was hit with some intense fatigue a few weeks in and felt very bloated. I kept waiting for nausea to surface (I seem to get very nauseated early on in my pregnancies) but it never did. Something about the way I was feeling and our past losses made me keep my guard up, but that is also the way I seem to approach pregnancy anyway. I know a positive pregnancy test does not automatically mean I will be snuggling a perfect, precious baby in my arms in nine months. I miss the days when I believed this and pregnancy didn’t come along with intense anxiety and fear.
Ryan and I went in for my first prenatal ultrasound last Monday. I was eight weeks pregnant and during our ultrasound I learned that our baby was measuring six weeks. A heartbeat could not be detected. My heart dropped. Though I was very confident about our dates and the timing of my pregnancy, I understood the doctor’s concerns when he explained that my ultrasound wasn’t a definitive loss simply because sometimes heartbeats cannot be heard at six weeks and there’s always the chance my ovulation/our conception date was later than I thought.
What followed were a series of appointments and ultrasounds as my doctor tried to figure out whether my body was in the process of miscarrying, whether I already lost the baby or whether there was a sliver of hope and my pregnancy might be viable.
(Beautiful flowers from Ryan after finding out we had another little one on the way.)
This limbo period of not knowing whether or not I was miscarrying was horrible. I’d love to say I felt positive and hopeful during this time but I didn’t. The only way I know how to explain it is to say I felt a deep knowledge within me that told me our baby was not okay. My doctor encouraged me to go about my normal life which felt simultaneously impossible and also very necessary because I needed distraction.
Earlier this week, during yet another ultrasound, our loss was confirmed. Just like with my two previous miscarriages, I didn’t show any physical signs of a loss and experienced no bleeding or cramping. I believe my body tries really hard to hold onto my babies. I want so badly to hold onto my babies. But sometimes no amount of love and longing can change reality.
This time, since my loss was earlier, I decided to take medication to help my body pass our baby rather than have a third D&C. I had so much fear about the process of physically passing our baby on my own and broke down sobbing to Ryan as I thought about what was about to come. I also worried the medication wouldn’t work for my body and I’d end up in the hospital for another D&C. Thankfully everything began progressing about four hours after I took the medicine and I didn’t experience severe cramping or need pain relief medication — all small blessings I tried to hold onto during a horrible situation. After a week of not knowing what was happening with our baby and my body, I’m glad I have answers even if the answers bring me to tears and hurt my heart with serious intensity.
Right now I may still physically be bleeding but I’m also healing. I’m doing okay. I know I’ll have waves of sadness for a long time but I know I’m strong. After sharing our two previous losses so publicly in this space, I learned firsthand just how common this struggle is and how helpful it is for me to connect with other women who have been where I’ve been before.
Part of me considered keeping our third loss to myself because, to be quite honest, I feel like I’ve talked about miscarriage so much in this space and I’m not after sympathy. I know my struggle pales in comparison to what others go through on their journey to have a child and my heart aches for anyone who experiences the most intense desire for a child that is currently unfulfilled. It’s horrible, heart-wrenching and so consuming.
In this space I love sharing so many things with you guys but my life is at the heart of this blog and my life includes loss, pain and heartache. This blog has never been a place to only share my good moments but, if our previous losses have taught me anything, it’s to still try to look for the good moments through the bad. And I am.
I see them in my family. I see them in Ryder, our beautiful, smiley rainbow baby who came after one of the most challenging times of my life. I see them in Chase who makes me laugh every day, even when I have sadness in my heart. I see them in Ryan who only ever makes me feel loved completely and supported unconditionally. This is where I’m trying to focus my thoughts and my energy because my family gives me strength and helps me find joy through the grief. And you guys do, too.
I truly value your readership and the kind words and prayers you’ve sent my way over the years. It means so much to me and I hope you know how much I appreciate your support, especially during the hard times. Thank you for your love and thank you for visiting my blog and making it feel like a place where I can pour my heart out to you, even when my blog posts read like one big, jumbled mess of emotions. I appreciate you all so much and for those of you who opened up to me and shared your stories of loss with me following our previous miscarriages, I want to thank you again. You truly have no idea how much you helped me and continue to help me as I find myself back in a similar place again.
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Sending sympathy & prayers your way.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Just sending hugs. I’ve been there. It’s not easy even though you are already have two precious boys, but look at them and know that you can make it through the day.
they help me more than anything right now. thank you, amy. i’m so sorry you know this pain as well. <3
I’m so sorry, Julie. My heart breaks for you and your family as you grieve again.
Me too! Sending love and prayers <3
I’m so sorry. Sending you so much love xx
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. I experienced a miscarriage at 7 weeks earlier this year, and the heartache is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I hope you are able to continue to find strength in your family and those who love and support you.
i hate that you’ve been here before as well, kanoe, but appreciate you sharing this with me. sending love back to you. <3
My heart goes out to you, Julie. Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m hoping for another rainbow baby for you in the future.
Oh Julie, I am so, so sorry to hear this! Sending you and your family hugs and prayers from WI. Thank you for opening up your heart to us.<3
I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you’re in this place again. Thank you for sharing this and helping others feel less alone when they go through the same thing. Sending lots of love xxx
My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours during this time.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss! I had actually wondered last week if you were pregnant again. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. It sucks so much.
I am so sorry for your loss Julie. Thank you for sharing your story and sending lots of love your way.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing and being open about it. Talking about mine helped me heal. Praying for another rainbow baby.
Your post from earlier this week had me worried this was happening again. Your strength amazes me! My prayers are with you and your family.
Oh, Julie. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage shortly before your first and your writing helped me so much- it truly felt like I was talking with a friend about how confused, scared, and sad I felt. You are a blessing to many and I will continue to pray for you and your sweet family.
I had two miscarriages in around the same period you did, and just like Whitney your words really, really helped. I’d go back and re-read your posts just because you so eloquently verbalized how I felt at the time. Thank you for putting yourself out there, it makes a difference in the world. And I, too, will be praying for your beautiful family.
One thing that helped me a bit was knowing that my babies were in heaven, and it was comforting to know that I’d see them one day. It didn’t ease the pain so much as give me a peace within the pain. I know you’re a believer so maybe you might feel that way as well <3
I’m so sorry to hear this news. I’ve been following you for so long, right after you were married, so I love hearing your life updates! A loss at any time is really hard, We lost one of our twins at 34 weeks, and his twin sister is already 4. And our “rainbow” baby is now 3. Even though it’s been years, I still think about the other baby we lost often. Sending lots of love your way!
Julie, I had a horrible feeling that this was the case when I read the blog on Monday and I am so sorry it is. My husband and I are starting to try for our 2nd baby right now. My first was our rainbow baby and I have the same fear and anxiety that you have going into this. I am praying that your next pregnancy will be your sweet, healthy 3rd baby you get to snuggle in your arms and I am wishing you comfort in these difficult days. You are a great mama! ??
I’m sorry for your loss I have been there and was never able to conceive again after my miscarriage. You will always mourn the loss of your little ones. They will always be with you. But I promise you you will have another healthy baby ❤️?
I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. It’s so unfair. You are a wonderful mom. I experienced two losses in the past year, and reading about your previous miscarriages made me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing all parts of your life with us, and please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is such a painful journey. I’m so sorry you’re going through this again. I felt so isolated when I had a miscarriage years ago – it was such an unknown journey for me and I didn’t know how to talk about it or who to talk to about it. Now, after 5 years of fertility treatments and a precious little boy who is a week younger than Ryder, I’m much more open about my struggles with infertility. It has helped me grow and connect with other women in a way I never thought possible. I commend and admire you for your choice to speak about it (but also completely understand if anyone chooses not to share). I know you feel the love and support from your family and I hope you also feel it from your readers and the women who share this experience.
Julie, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. Heartache of a mother for her baby is a unique one. We lost our first child, our daughter, at 37 weeks. Each loss, as unique as the babies themselves, is a profound one, the loss of a soul who was anticipated and so very loved. I miss her every single day. You are a light in this world. Go gently one day, one step, one hour, one breath at a time. We are with you.
My heart breaks for you all. I’m
Holding my 10 month old rainbow baby and couldn’t imagine. I had three miscarriages before her. Two the exact same time as you and the third was a month after you had Ryder. I’m sending the biggest hugs and love. I’m still in therapy from my losses and still have not fully processed those loses. Xoxo
I am so sorry Karen. I wanted to thank you for sharing that you’ve sought therapy to help deal with your losses. I actually also had to work through my miscarriage in therapy. I also had to work through not having a daughter since my rainbow baby is a precious boy (my second). Therapy truly helps and how I feel now as a happy, content, and at peace mom of two boys, knowing that I am not going to have another child, seemed impossible years ago.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Pregnancy loss is so difficult, no matter when it happens. My thoughts are with you <3
Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss.
We just went through this last month. It was also to be our 3rd baby, and just like you, when we excitedly went in for our first ultrasound, the baby was measuring about 2 weeks earlier than what I thought (knew) our conception date to be. Our sweet baby did have a heartbeat, but it was lower than normal. Our doctor told us that it was either because we weren’t as far along as we thought and the heart had just started beating, or there was an issue with the baby and we would lose him/her. The dr gave us a 50/50 shot and said to come back in a week for a follow-up ultrasound. It was the longest week of my life, and we were heartbroken to find out the next week that there was no longer a heartbeat.
It is so, so hard to try to handle that grief when you have two small kids who need you for so much, but I do think it helped our healing to be able to be thankful for the healthy babies we do have in our lives.
Thank you for being so willing to share your experiences on this blog – I certainly read through them when I was going through my miscarriage.
I’m so sorry, Julie. I experienced the same pain earlier this year and I am so sorry you have to go through this again. Sending prayers to you and your family. ❤️
oh julie, i’m so so sorry. in re your blog content: the real things you share is what makes your blog readable; period. i cannot STAND the blogs that are all perfect lives and staged photo shoots. it seems these days that’s what everyone is doing now and you and a few others are diamonds in the rough that are still giving us their real thoughts and feelings. please don’t ever stop being you in your space here on the internet. thank you so much for being authentic and sharing with us even the hard things that are helpful for us to hear and hopefully helpful for you to share. xox
I 100 percent agree. Every single human being struggles in some way. It’s easy to think, “That person’s life is just perfect…why isn’t mine?”. But there is no perfect.
This story sounds much like mine … I too suffered a missed miscarriage earlier this year. I was supposed to be about 9 weeks along, but when I went in for my first ultrasound, the ultrasound tech told me the baby was only measuring about 6 weeks. She also kept saying “baby is just so tiny” … and I knew then that something was wrong. From the look of things on the monitor (yes, I looked, I couldn’t help myself) I knew things just didn’t look right. I had to wait a couple weeks for my body to recognize the loss, and my doctor advised me to pass it naturally (no medication, no D&C). It was a terrible process, not one I’d like to go through again anytime soon. I feel for you Julie … this is such a terrible thing and nobody really tells you about it when you get pregnant and become so overly elated at the little bundle of joy you expect to be bringing into the world 9 months later. I am so glad women like you are starting to tell their stories and share their pain … it truly makes other women more comforted to know that they are not alone in this. Thank you. <3 xoxoxo
I’m so so sorry. Each pregnancy and potential baby brings its own set of love and emotions. I had a miscarriage between my 2nd and 3rd. Most of my friends don’t know. Thanks for being honest and open. You’ve been dealt some pretty big blows. I’m really sorry. Sending you much love and hugs.
My heart breaks for you guys. My first son was a rainbow baby and I’m currently holding our rainbow baby girl who we were so blessed to have via IVF (after conceiving naturally before). Miscarriage is awful because not only does it cause you pain for the current loss, it also makes it near impossible to relax and enjoy any subsequent pregnancies. I felt like a 500lb weight had been lifted from my shoulders once we finally welcomed our baby girl after months of fertility shots and doubting whether we’d be able to have any more children. Obviously you know as I do that all of the pain is worth it in the end, but I’m so sorry you are going through this again and will be praying hard for you and your family. Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey to motherhood… it definitely gave me hope on some of my hardest days. ?
It makes my heart so sad to read this. I am so so incredibly sorry you are finding yourself here again. Thank you for sharing with us. You helped me last year get through some pretty dark times after loosing a baby we wanted and hoped and prayed for, for a long time. I hope you hurt a little bit less every day and find comfort in your boys. You will get to hold on to a baby again soon I am sure of it. Have hope, and know you are not alone in this journey.
My heart dropped as I read this. I am so sorry. I have had multiple losses as well before my rainbow baby and am currently in the first trimester and so scared. There is nothing more isolating and lonely on the journey of trying to have a healthy, happy baby. Many prayers and hugs!
How true this comment is! My rainbow baby is three months old right now, but I struggled during my entire pregnancy worrying about if this tiny human would be ok and if my pregnancy would make it full-term. It’s hard for folks to understand the fear if they haven’t been through it before. Sending you prayers for a healthy and full-term pregnancy <3 from another Jen 🙂
My heart goes out to you, Julie. You’re such a eloquent writer and I know your vulnerability helps so many people out there. Thinking of you!
I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is with you and your family.
Sending all of my positive thoughts your way.
Julie,
I’m so glad to hear from you. I’ve been worried about you the past few days and had a bad feeling. I don’t know what to say (but I really wanted to respond) except that I love you and your family. I’ve been reading your blog for years and you feel like a close friend. I know that God has you wrapped up in a cocoon of love. You will get through this, and your experience will help so many people. Thank you for being open, honest, and vulnerable. I will be praying for you all.
I am so sad to hear of your families loss. Sending Prayers your way. I know you have helped so many people by sharing .
Oh Julie, I am so so incredibly sorry to be reading this. My heart is heavy for you today. I had a loss around the time you experienced your second one and your blog helped me through such a dark time and made me feel less alone. May you heal a little more each day and hold on to hope. I am sure you will get to hold on to a baby again real soon. Thank you for being you.
My heart hurts for you. I’m very sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers to you and your wonderful little family.
I am so heartbroken for you. I’ve been wondering ever since you’re post on Monday what you were having to go through. You are such an amazingly positive person (I’ve followed your blog for 7 years now), I love to start my day reading your posts while drinking my coffee.
Your miscarriage symptoms sound so much like mine did, bloated, tired, but no nausea. Mine seemed to stop growing around 8 weeks, started bleeding at 10 weeks, no heartbeat when I went in to DR. The pill helped my body finish the “process”, but the cramping was awful.
You are such a strong woman and I know you’ll get through this because of your faith and family/friends. Nothing I can say will really “help” you, but please know you’re in my prayers, for peace and comfort. ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your lovely family and sending lots of love your way. Please know that you are truly helping so many women by being so open with your story. It is so important for people to know they are not alone in this all too common experience.
I’m so sorry Julie. I was really hoping that wasn’t what you were alluding to in prior posts. I’m glad that you shared with us. This is your space that you created and your readers are here for you. We come for your honesty and we’re here to support.
Hug Chase and Ryder tight every day. They are miracles. You’re an incredible mother and you aren’t done yet. Some thing are out of our control,despite how devastating they are and how much we try and pray. You did everything write.
Sending a huge hug your way, Julie.
I am so, so sorry you’re experiencing this again. I hope this is the last time you feel this pain and the rest of the feelings that come with a loss. Love on your boys, eat pizza, don’t change out of sweatpants…whatever you need to do. I experienced a very early loss (chemical pregnancy) and it killed me. I couldn’t imagine dealing with this numerous times.
I ended up doing IVF for our second baby so I get how precious that positive test is the second you see it.
I hope the next time is followed by an amazingly boring, happy, and healthy 9 months.
So sorry for your loss. Thinking about you and Ryan during this difficult time <3
I’m holding you and your family in the light, Julie. Nothing about any of this is easy. Thank you for sharing with us and helping break down the unnecessary stigma around miscarriage. Sending you so much love and grateful for your brave witness.
Oh Julie! My heart aches for your beautiful family. Life is so precious. Your babies, all five of them, matter!! I know your pain all too well after 5 years of infertility and two losses. I’ve had a rough day with my rainbow baby but this post makes me forget all of that and snuggle him even tighter. Keep spreading your love, Mama. Wrapping you in a big hug and I want to remind you that YOU ARE STRONG and can do hard things!! Praying for you.
I am so sorry for your loss Julie. So incredibly heartbreaking. My oldest daughter lost her baby at 37 weeks at the beginning of this month. The pain seems unbearable sometimes but I know we will see her again in Heaven. There’s peace in knowing that these babies are safe with Jesus.
I am so sorry for your loss. When reading about the week of uncertainty you dealt with, it reminded me so much of what I dealt with in my miscarriage earlier this year. We had an 8 week ultrasound with no heartbeat, and growth wasn’t where it should’ve been. Our doctor, like yours, said it wasn’t definitively a miscarriage, so that week of waiting and additional ultrasounds was unbearable. I felt like that uncertainty made the miscarriage even worse. Just know you’re not alone and it sucks, truly sucks, to go through this.
Hey, just wanted to reach out and let you know that you and your family are in our thoughts. Take care of yourselves and give yourself permission to grieve. ~ Love
Praying for you, Julie! Your posts about miscarriage have been so encouraging to me as I experienced my miscarriage in January. I had a hunch this was what was going on from your last blog post, but didn’t want it to be for your sake. Lots of love to you. Praying for the comfort of Jesus to cover you and for him to hold you in your deepest pain.
Oh Julie, I am so so deeply sorry to read this; my heart aches for you. Please know you are in my prayers, and I pray you will hold on to hope as you walk through this grief. <3