Earlier this week, I found out my body miscarried our baby. Do I say I miscarried our fifth baby because this has already happened twice before? Do I say I miscarried our third baby because we have two healthy boys? I hate that these are thoughts I have in my head because this is a place we’ve been in the past.
Ryan and I knew we wanted another baby and were thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again in July. I took a pregnancy test at home while Ryan was at work and when I saw the positive result, I couldn’t wait until he got home to tell him. I called him, creepily asked him if he was alone, and then told him I was pregnant. We were so, so excited.
I was hit with some intense fatigue a few weeks in and felt very bloated. I kept waiting for nausea to surface (I seem to get very nauseated early on in my pregnancies) but it never did. Something about the way I was feeling and our past losses made me keep my guard up, but that is also the way I seem to approach pregnancy anyway. I know a positive pregnancy test does not automatically mean I will be snuggling a perfect, precious baby in my arms in nine months. I miss the days when I believed this and pregnancy didn’t come along with intense anxiety and fear.
Ryan and I went in for my first prenatal ultrasound last Monday. I was eight weeks pregnant and during our ultrasound I learned that our baby was measuring six weeks. A heartbeat could not be detected. My heart dropped. Though I was very confident about our dates and the timing of my pregnancy, I understood the doctor’s concerns when he explained that my ultrasound wasn’t a definitive loss simply because sometimes heartbeats cannot be heard at six weeks and there’s always the chance my ovulation/our conception date was later than I thought.
What followed were a series of appointments and ultrasounds as my doctor tried to figure out whether my body was in the process of miscarrying, whether I already lost the baby or whether there was a sliver of hope and my pregnancy might be viable.
(Beautiful flowers from Ryan after finding out we had another little one on the way.)
This limbo period of not knowing whether or not I was miscarrying was horrible. I’d love to say I felt positive and hopeful during this time but I didn’t. The only way I know how to explain it is to say I felt a deep knowledge within me that told me our baby was not okay. My doctor encouraged me to go about my normal life which felt simultaneously impossible and also very necessary because I needed distraction.
Earlier this week, during yet another ultrasound, our loss was confirmed. Just like with my two previous miscarriages, I didn’t show any physical signs of a loss and experienced no bleeding or cramping. I believe my body tries really hard to hold onto my babies. I want so badly to hold onto my babies. But sometimes no amount of love and longing can change reality.
This time, since my loss was earlier, I decided to take medication to help my body pass our baby rather than have a third D&C. I had so much fear about the process of physically passing our baby on my own and broke down sobbing to Ryan as I thought about what was about to come. I also worried the medication wouldn’t work for my body and I’d end up in the hospital for another D&C. Thankfully everything began progressing about four hours after I took the medicine and I didn’t experience severe cramping or need pain relief medication — all small blessings I tried to hold onto during a horrible situation. After a week of not knowing what was happening with our baby and my body, I’m glad I have answers even if the answers bring me to tears and hurt my heart with serious intensity.
Right now I may still physically be bleeding but I’m also healing. I’m doing okay. I know I’ll have waves of sadness for a long time but I know I’m strong. After sharing our two previous losses so publicly in this space, I learned firsthand just how common this struggle is and how helpful it is for me to connect with other women who have been where I’ve been before.
Part of me considered keeping our third loss to myself because, to be quite honest, I feel like I’ve talked about miscarriage so much in this space and I’m not after sympathy. I know my struggle pales in comparison to what others go through on their journey to have a child and my heart aches for anyone who experiences the most intense desire for a child that is currently unfulfilled. It’s horrible, heart-wrenching and so consuming.
In this space I love sharing so many things with you guys but my life is at the heart of this blog and my life includes loss, pain and heartache. This blog has never been a place to only share my good moments but, if our previous losses have taught me anything, it’s to still try to look for the good moments through the bad. And I am.
I see them in my family. I see them in Ryder, our beautiful, smiley rainbow baby who came after one of the most challenging times of my life. I see them in Chase who makes me laugh every day, even when I have sadness in my heart. I see them in Ryan who only ever makes me feel loved completely and supported unconditionally. This is where I’m trying to focus my thoughts and my energy because my family gives me strength and helps me find joy through the grief. And you guys do, too.
I truly value your readership and the kind words and prayers you’ve sent my way over the years. It means so much to me and I hope you know how much I appreciate your support, especially during the hard times. Thank you for your love and thank you for visiting my blog and making it feel like a place where I can pour my heart out to you, even when my blog posts read like one big, jumbled mess of emotions. I appreciate you all so much and for those of you who opened up to me and shared your stories of loss with me following our previous miscarriages, I want to thank you again. You truly have no idea how much you helped me and continue to help me as I find myself back in a similar place again.
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So sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages around the same time you had your first two, and I can’t imagine going through it again. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.
Sending you a big hug. Thanks for being brave enough to share.
Take care Julie and family! Thank you for sharing your personal journey. You are so brave.
Oh, Julie! Sending you and your family so much love, light, strength, and prayers at such a heartbreaking time. Thank you for being brave to share. Please don’t ever feel you can’t be honest with us. We may not have ever met, but so many of us feel like we know you. You have so much love and support in this space. Our thoughts are with you XOXO
Beautifully written Stacey and seconded here in Michigan!!! Julie I’m SO sorry you are going through this again but from IRL friends who have miscarried it doesn’t matter what number it is, that little baby MATTERS and our hearts are with you as you mourn that loss. Prayers!
I’m so sorry. You are in my thought and prayers.
I also never bled when I miscarried–I just had a loss of symptoms around 9 weeks and just kinda had a feeling. It’s so hard. I’m sorry you’ve now had to go through it three times. My sister had six children born to her, five miscarriages, and lost one of her children (her oldest) at almost 3 years old, and she is one of the strongest women I know (probably because she’s had to be).
It’s easy to see that this is making you into an even stronger woman as well, and I appreciate you sharing your real struggles with us. Hugs and prayers to you and your beautiful family, and I hope you find healing on all the levels you need it.
wow. just wow. your poor sister. i cant imagine
I’m so sorry for your loss Julie. I have a beautiful 5 year old daughter, but adding to our family has been a struggle. We have been trying for 2 years, had a miscarriage in October, and a couple of unsuccessful fertility treatments. I’ve told very few people about all of this and feel very alone…I am so deeply appreciative of everyone like yourself who has opened up about their struggles with loss and infertility, even though it is so painful. Sending thoughts and prayers your way during this difficult time.
sending love to you Amy
Thinking of you and your family Julie & sending lots of love.
Oh Julie, my heart breaks for you all. I know what the limbo period is like, and I know what miscarrying naturally is like, and it is all so incredibly difficult. From the moment we see that positive pregnancy test, we are in love. It is just impossible not to be. And of course we figure out when we are due and how many months apart our kids will be, and then poof, it’s all taken away, and it’s devastating. I always say that a pregnancy is 9 months no matter what…even though I found out I lost my baby a day shy of 8 weeks (and ultimately had to have a D&C 9 days later) I couldn’t stop counting the weeks as they went by. I was thrilled to be expecting my rainbow baby once my due date came and went, but it’s still hard. Pregnancy announcements are hard (I should have been due three days after Princess Kate had Charlotte so her entire pregnancy was on the internet and I knew I should have been pregnant too…sigh). Your Ryder couldn’t be more perfect and I know you will be blessed with another beautiful rainbow baby. But it still hurts so much now. I am sending hugs and prayers your way.
I forgot to mention that I was never given medication which may have been why I had to have a D&C after trying to miscarry naturally. I know everyone has a different experience and all are difficult no matter what. 🙁
Ugh, I am so, so sorry to hear this, Julie. I just hate that you (or anyone) has to go through this, especially multiple times. Sending you so much love, thoughts, and prayers <3 <3 <3
Prayers from Minnesota ?
Julie, I am so sorry and am praying for you and Ryan as you mourn the loss of this baby.
Please don’t ever apologize for “sharing too many times”. A friend who lost her 19 year old son told me the very next year (when I didn’t want to share something hard with her that I was facing) to never compare grief. She lost her son and mine did pale in comparison but she acknowledged that my grief was also significant. Yours is for sure as well.
I hope sharing this and being able to read everyone’s comments only brings a slightly greater sense of peace and relief, knowing us strangers who haven’t met are all behind you and your boys ❤️ Thanks for trusting us with sharing the highs and lows of your life
I rarely comment on blog posts but your post was so heartfelt and beautifully written. I’m terribly sorry about your losses but commend you for the courage to share on such a public platform. So many women, including myself know that sinking feeling where you know deep down that something isn’t right. You’re not alone. My thoughts are with you and your family during these difficult times.
I am so very, very sorry. I know the pain.
Sending you hugs and lots and lots of prayers. I too, have had three devastating losses. Look for comfort in your family and friends. Here if you need to chat!
More about my journey and our losses on my blog at MeetThePetes.com
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m also supposed to be 10 weeks but at our 8 week appointment there wasn’t an embryo and after 2 weeks of ultrasounds it was confirmed. This is a terrible thing but thank you so much for sharing your experience.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! I wish I could be there to give you a hug. I have also struggled with miscarriages and never wish on anyone.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. So sorry for your loss. Knowing you’re not alone may not help but you helped me and I’m sure so many others in times of grief.
My heart dropped when I saw this post, I’m so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing the difficult posts along with the lighthearted ones. Thinking of you and your family in this difficult time <3
So sorry to hear. Have been worried about you. Keep on keeping on. I know you will.
Julie, Like many other women echoed here I found your eloquence in how you described your own loss, helped me navigate and unravel mine. My first miscarriage was experienced at home, early on. For my second, we did make it to our first appointment, but found I needed a D&C after my 12 week visit. And that’s where I found you. I didn’t know what Turner’s Syndrome was.
Now mere weeks away from delivering my second miracle baby–and coming up to the anniversary dates for both our losses–I’m in awe of your bravery and grace. Where you see solidarity in your body holding onto the babies, I felt betrayal. Where you preserved with hope during additional check-ups, I saw as agonizing. And most importantly, where you courageously began trying and started your fifth journey, I don’t know if I ever will. Your innate strength is more than admirable, it is virtuous.
Candidly, I am still not fully healed from the pain of my second loss; I have not completely exhaled since our positive pregnancy test. And frankly, don’t know if I can mentally and emotionally endure a fourth attempt, let alone endure the strain it puts on my family, my marriage, and my friendships.
My point is not to selfishly compare, but I wanted to acknowledge what was a seemingly innocuous and earlier choice, should be counted as heroic–just by getting on that horse again, you did something very big and very brave: you opened up your heart to more love. While you grieve and ride a terrible rollercoaster of sadness, please keep that in first big step in mind. Sending grace and warm wishes of comfort to you and your husband.
This was an absolutely beautiful comment. Chris—You are stronger than you realize.
Julie,
Sending you and Ryan love, strength and (eventual) peace. I am truly sorry for your loss. May God bring comfort during your grieving.
Hugs! My heart hurts for you. You’re such a strong person!
Julie – I have always appreciated your transparency and authenticity. You are in my thoughts and prayers. <3
i am so sorry for your loss <3
of course always do what's right for you. but if you're able to talk about it, talking about it helps on a lot of levels. miscarriage is not a loss i've experienced, but hearing about it helps me understand what others may be going through and how i might help. in a general sense, everybody will experience loss eventually or has already–the more everybody can know they're not alone, the better i think
Thank you so much for sharing your journey! I can’t imagine how hard this is for you and I am sending you all of my positive thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry. Sending thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing and I hope you can find some comfort in all of the love you receive in this space.
Julie, I am so sorry and sad to read this post, my heart aches with you and your family. I had written to you after your 2nd loss and again now just want to share my support and understanding. I had 4 miscarriages total but am blessed with 3 beautiful and healthy children here on earth. My miscarriages feel a long time ago at this point, but reading your post brings it all back… the anxiety of each pregnancy, glimmers of excitement, heartbreak when it’s taken from you, but still strength in knowing you will get through it. Just wanted you to know I’m so sorry you are going through this – I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Don’t ever feel guilty for feeling sad about what you’re going through. Every loss is painful. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks earlier this year. Last week would have been my due date. I think I’ve been healing well, but last week was incredibly difficult. Miscarriage is always a painful and often lonely process. While every loss is unique, and I can never say that I truly feel your pain, I and so many other women share in it with you. None of us are alone. Sending you prayers.
Oh, Julie. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve followed your blog for the past several years as I experienced my own three losses and the birth of my first baby, and your openness has been such a comfort to me. I will pray for healing and comfort for you and your sweet little family.
So sorry to hear this girl. BIG hug to you.
So sorry for your loss!!
Praying!!??????
I’m so so sorry. I thought it could be a miscarriage after reading today Monday’s post. Sending lots of light ✨
I am so sorry. You have been in my thoughts this week and I’ll keep you there in the coming weeks. Sending lots of love.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing. I lost a pregnancy 4 weeks ago and I really appreciate the brave women who are willing to publicly talk about their losses.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Julie. May your family & friends shower you with love and compassion as you handle the physical and emotional symptoms.
Julie, I’m so sorry to hear of you and your family’s loss. We’ve never met, but I feel like I know you from following you in this space, and I appreciate that you share many aspects of your life, though I’m so heartbroken that you have to share this news. Sending you and your family love and well wishes.
Thank you for helping other women to feel less alone. You are brave and I thank you for sharing !
God has chosen you for these battles, knowing you alone are capable of handling this in a way that will strengthen you and ready you for the wonderful plans He has ahead for you and your family.
Prayers for you all, sending all love and light.
Oh, Julie. I’m wiping the tears away with you. I am angry, frustrated, confused, and sad with you. I admire you for allowing us to go on this journey with you and sharing all the emotions, and I hope you can find some healing in this space knowing that SO many of us are covering you with prayers and love and hope. I know firsthand how devestating miscarriage is. You are not alone, my friend. <3
Julie, my heart is so sad reading this. Your words and feelings are beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. You are allowed to feel and grieve however you need to, so don’t feel like you have to feel ‘less’ because you ‘don’t have it as bad’ as others…you desire another child and are devastated at the loss of one…and it is truly awful. Prayers that you can find peace in the turmoil and sadness.
So sorry you’re going through this. Thinking of you and sending you hugs and positive energy.
Praying for you all. Thank you for connecting with us authentically. Wish I could give you a hug!
Julie, I’m so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. I worried that pain in your side from last week was something far worse but I didn’t imagine this news. Praying for you guys, your blog always brightens my day, so hoping you feel comfort from your followers, knowing we will always support a hiatus as you process this.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I live in the LKN area too and so enjoy reading following your sweet family. I can hear the sadness and longing in your voice, but also the strength. You are right–you will be okay in the long run–and it’s still very hard, all at once. We have also experienced some loss in our journey towards parenthood. It is a unique pain to mourn what you so badly wish could have been and to miss the future you had hoped for. Our family’s twists and turns have brought me a wonderful life and I am very grateful for the children we have, but sometimes I still think about what could have been. I have definitely asked God a lot of questions along the way. I am sending prayers for your healing and happiness. I hope that sharing your feelings through your beautiful writing brought some release. <3
I’m so sorry for your loss Julie. Maybe you have already heard this, but please consider having your progesterone levels checked as soon as you find out you are pregnant next time. Low progesterone in the first trimester is a very common cause for miscarriage. I have always needed progesterone support in my pregnancies. It is such an easy blood test to do, I’m not sure why most doctors act like it’s not necessary or too much trouble to bother with. Be your own advocate and request the test and medication! Extra progesterone never hurts either. If you have any questions, I’m happy to answer them!
I hope your heart heals and you are able to one day welcome another child into your loving family ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. It never gets easy, does it? I have lost 5 babies and I mourn, grieve, and miss every single one every day while still finding joy in my rainbow babies, 3 beautiful daughters. Our youngest has Down Syndrome so hearing people telling me it was Mother Nature’s way of getting rid of a mistake hurts in ways most can’t comprehend. I am sending you all the positive energy and love I can.
Sending love and hugs from another mama who has been through it all before too. Things will work out the way they were meant to.
Hugs and more hugs my darling, sweet girl
I have felt all week that you guys have needed prayers and I have lifted you up. I know it sounds so cliche, but God does have a purpose in this. I cannot understand as I have not dealt with this, I can only imagine the awful pain and anxiety. Please, however, do not forget to ask for strength from God – he’s got this. He has your whole, beautiful family in his hands, so try not to worry. Please feel the love from Augusta!