On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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Tears reading this, Julie. I wish there were words to form that could heal your pain, but there isn’t even a word in existence for losing a child. You are a wonderful mother who provided a safe and loving home for a now sweet angel for 12 weeks. My thoughts & prayers are with you (and your family). I pray for your physical, but even more importantly, mental health as well.
We lost a baby in November, I don’t think anyone can understand the sadness unless they’ve experienced it. The part about the last moments of feelings connected to the baby hit home. I have always enjoyed your blog and know you and your family are in mt prayers. For some reason this helped me, my husband got me an angel bracelet for Christmas and I think of my angel baby :). Maybe having a happy thing to remember him/her by could be helpful for you too?
Hugs & love to you all.
Julie, my heart just breaks for you. Know that I am sending you so much love and keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Julie I am so sorry to read of the loss you and Ryan have experienced. I know personally that initial pain and shock as my husband I felt that same raw loss ourselves. Thank you for sharing, it will undoubtedly help countless other young women. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Oh Julie, my heart breaks for you and your sweet family. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your post brought me right back to 9/22/14, when I sat with my husband in the ER and we found out our baby did not have a heartbeat. It was a horrible loss and I understand the pain you are feeling and wish there was something I could say to make it go away. Please allow yourself to cry and grieve. It was a long seven months until I was expecting again (my beautiful rainbow baby is sleeping right next to me as I type this) The biggest thing that helped me through that time was reading, because it forced me to concentrate on something, rather than worrying about the unknown. I had a very difficult time trying not to count the weeks as they went by. I strongly suggest you plan something special when your due date comes along. It is still to this day, the hardest day of the year for me. Have your husband take the day off, look up at the sky. It will be hard but you will get through it. I cannot express to you how much I appreciate you sharing this loss with us. I felt so incredibly alone when I had my miscarriage. I thought, “no one can possibly understand what I am feeling right now.” Here are two personal blogs I wrote after my experience…just in case they help you or any of your readers. Wishing lots of love and hugs to all of you. Sara http://tylermichaelandrew.blogspot.com/2015/05/today-was-my-due-date.html http://tylermichaelandrew.blogspot.com/2015/10/october-is.html
I am so sorry to hear about your families loss. I too went through the same thing back in December, and it was the hardest thing I’ve personally every experienced. The emotions that come with it all are so hard and raw. You and Ryan will get through this and remember you have that sweet baby boy at home to cuddle! You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need anyone to talk to who went through the same thing, I am open to speak with you. xoxo
Just wanted to add my heartfelt condolences to the many thoughtful sentiments already offered here. I was so saddened to hear you and Ryan are going through this. Thank you for sharing your heart with us all so openly! I will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts for sure. God Bless!
I can’t imagine what your feeling or going through. I hope you find comfort, love, and strength from your family during this difficult time.
My heart is with you and you family ???
I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there and was almost the same – no signs and at 12 weeks. I know my angel baby was welcomed into heaven by his great grandfather, just as yours was by your Mimi – a comforting thought knowing we’ll see our angels again someday. I am wrapping you in virtual hugs and I will keep you in prayer.
I’m so sorry, Julie. I wish you peace and rest as you recover. <3
I am so sorry you’ve had to experience this type of loss, sadness, and pain. Thank you for sharing your heart during this difficult time as I’m sure there will be many people who will find some sort of comfort in knowing that they aren’t alone in their own personal losses. Sending so much love and many prayers for you and your husband during this difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being so open during such a hard time. I am currently going through a miscarriage and it is heartbreaking. Although nothing can necessarily make it “ok” I have felt having the love and support from others helps. So thank you for sharing your story. It is nice not to feel alone. Your sweet family is in my prayers.
Sorry to hear about your loss Julie. I had an early miscarriage at 6 weeks with my first pregnancy in July and I empathize with you and your feelings.
Julie, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what you might be going through right now but I do pray that God gives you and Ryan peace and so much much love right now. I truly appreciate your openness on your blog and hope that you know how much of a blessing it has been in my life for the past few years that I’ve followed. Thinking of you and will keep you all in my prayers. <3
Sending prayers and peace to you, your family, and the sweet baby. ❤❤❤
Julie and Ryan, I’m so sorry to hear about this loss. Sending you all so much love and peace in the coming days!
I’m so sorry for you loss, I have been there… in September I had a 17 week missed miscarriage with our 2nd child. Almost 5 months out I am just starting to feel “normal” again. Please take care of yourself and be honest about your feelings; looking back now I think I was definitely in the depths of some postpartum depression. Sending hugs to you, Ryan, Chase and Sadie.
I’ve been a reader for years and I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Praying for peace as you guys grieve.
I am so sorry for your loss Julie and Ryan. Julie, you are incredibly strong woman to have the strength to share this very personal and intimate part of your life with the world. Please feel the countless prayers, positive energy, and genuine concern that I, and so many of your readers are sending you and your family at this time.
So sorry Julie & Ryan ?❣️
Reading this post brought me so much heartache and sadness FOR you. It’s amazing how social media can make people feel a connection to those they have never met and live thousands of miles away from (we are in Hong Kong!). Please do not feel the need to reply to everyone, just know that people around the globe are lifting you and your family up in prayer and good thoughts. I honestly thought you were pregnant from one of the photos you posted a few weeks ago; your face radiated. This has no connection to anything you did, please mama, let go of any negative thoughts that try and tell you otherwise. You are clearly an amazing mama and will be again to some lucky baby, and I do believe you’ll see your babe again, and that they will aways remain a part of you. I have no clue how helpful reading this random post from a random stranger is, but I just wanted to reach out and say you are in my thoughts. Here’s a piece of writing that might be quite fitting and perhaps some comfort, it’s by Henry Van Dyke:
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone.”
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me — not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”
And that is dying…
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sending you healing thoughts, of hope and love. I felt guilty when I miscarried, just a few months ago, and while it is not an easy thing to go through, you are completely right in saying that there is no shame. It can be very difficult, but having the support, and the strength to write, will help. Your little ray of sunshine boy is also no doubt helping. Toddlers have an interesting way of knowing when you need that extra snuggle. Take care, and thank you for sharing.
Julie–I am a longtime reader and fan. I am so, so sorry. Almost the exact thing happened to me with my first pregnancy and it is devastating. Only after talking about it publically did I find out that many wonen experience this very private, very tragic pain. Sending you a big hug.
Amy
Julie, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family and sending you love and prayers. Rest and take good care of yourself ❤
Julie, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Children are, at any age, a parent’s greatest joy and I know this must be a heartbreaking time for you. Know so many of us are sending you positive energy.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Will keep you and your family in my prayers. ??❤
I am so sorry for your loss. I know you loved that baby from the second you found out you were pregnant. I too have been through miscarriage and it is such a lonely hopeless feeling. You will never stop thinking of that baby. I am excited to meet my child in heaven one day. I am also an ultrasonographer, and I want to thank you for recognizing us. Giving this news is horrible, we know it changes the lives of many and we are take that responsibility seriously. We care for our patients and share in their sorrow. God bless you, and Ryan and let Chase love on you a bunch!
I’m so sorry about your loss. Sending you both my most sincere condolences and prayers <3
Hugs and prayers to all of you.
I’m truly sorry for the loss of your baby. I’m so thankful Ryan was with you at your appointment. I’m praying for you both.
Thank you for sharing this difficult time .
I don’t know if you will ever read this, maybe reading all of these comments will be too painful, but I wanted to tell you how much you have touched my soul. I too lost a child at the 12 week mark and it was devastating. I had the D&C and it was very hard to wait for and to ultimately go through with. The only thing I can say is that it sucks. It sucks really bad. I hope that you can continue to heal. Grieve however you feel. Do whatever you need to do and don’t let anyone tell anything to bring you down or minimize you pain. I am just so sorry for your loss. Best Wishes! Hopes and Prayers for your lost loved one!
sending hugs and keeping you, ryan, chase
and sadie in our prayers.
My prayers go out to you and Ryan in this devastating loss.
I am so sorry for your loss, I know it can be devastating, as you dream and think about a future together with another child. You and Ryan are in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh I’m so sorry. I have tears for you and praying for you right now. May you feel God’s loving embrace.
Thank you for your openness to share this experience. So many women go through this feeling isolated and I have no doubt that your post has helped hundreds of women to feel less alone. Sending my love<3
So sorry for your loss Julie, thinking about you and your sweet family <3.
I’m so sorry to hear this! Thinking of you and your family.
Thank you for your bravery and honesty! I just miscarried my first and only in December ?? it has been so hard but knowing you aren’t alone helps – sharing your struggle with others somehow makes it a tiny bit easier to pick yourself up and keep going forward. I haven’t been brave enough to post openly on social media, it was hard enough to say to my very close family and friends who knew about the pregnancy. We hadn’t announced to everyone yet, and I just don’t know how I’d even begin to express everything in my heart.
Thank you for being so open and honest and know so many of us have you and Ryan in our thoughts and prayers!
???✨
I’m so sorry to hear this. Take care.
Julie, I went though this exact same experience in my first pregnancy. I feel for you and Ryan. I hope your heart feels better soon.
Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss, Julie! Sending you my thoughts and prayers <3
Oh sweetheart……I’m so sorry to read this. Prayers to you and your husband. I myself have had three miscarriages that entailed a D&C each time. We also have had a still born at 29 weeks. Take time to remember your sweet baby and know that you will see them again, I truly believe this! Some people won’t know how to react to you or what to say, don’t hold it against them. Take time to mourn the little life you lost and time for your own healing.
Much love to you. Hugs, you are now a Mama to a sweet Angel in heaven.
Julie, I am so, so sorry. Miscarriage is a loss that is so hard to describe, but it is very real. You are very brave for sharing your story. I’m praying for you and your family.
My heart is breaking for you and your family. Praying for God’s peace and comfort as you deal with your loss.
Hi Julie, I am so so sorry for your loss. I came upon this post at a time when I personally needed it most. I experienced a loss myself at 13 weeks just a month ago and it’s so hard, I know. I appreciate you sharing your experience because I think you’re right, this is unfortunately something that many women experience and never talk about. I know for me, sharing my own experience with others has opened the doors for other women to tell their stories which have given me a huge sense of hope when I’ve struggled to find it on my own. Hope for the future and for a healthy pregnancy when we’re ready to try again. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life and for putting yourself out there. I wish you all the best in the coming days and months and I pray that you may heal and find peace in this.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful little one is in the Lord’s loving care. He loves your baby SO much. Don’t be afraid to talk to your precious child in heaven every day! I am praying for you and that the Holy Spirit will bring peace to you and your husband’s hearts.
“Lord, I bring to you my burdens and you know my situation. You know I can’t make it without you. Comfort my heart and give me strength and help me carry on! Jesus, I trust in you – please increase my trust in you.” AMEN
I am so sorry, Julie. Never commented before, but I felt compelled to do so after reading your post. I’ve prayed for you all and will continue.