On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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Julie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and know the heartbreak and sadness you are feeling. Please don’t hesitate to cry when you want to cry. So many times I tried to hold it all in and found that when I just let myself feel whatever it was I was feeling I felt so much better. Reach out to your family and friends and don’t hesitate to share your feelings with them. I am thinking of you and wish you peace.
You are handling this with such grace. Hang in there, Julie.
I am so, so sorry for your loss Julie. Hope God’s comfort and blessings help you and your family through this tough time.
Thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this difficult time. Stay strong Julie ❤️
I’m so sorry for the sadness you are going through. Please let go of any guilt you are feeling, there is no way that this loss is in any way your fault. I’m glad you felt like sharing. Lots and lots of love being sent your way.
My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. Having gone through a miscarriage at 8 weeks, I completely understand the sadness you must be feeling. I feel like what helped me at the time was just to keep thinking that everything happens for a reason and God would not put troubles in my path that he felt I could not overcome. Even though it’s been 8 years, I still think about the child I lost and how old they would have been now. I will be praying for you and your family for peace during this difficult time.
Dear Julie, My heart break’s at this sad new’s, My prayers and thoughts go to you and Ryan stay strong.
Thinking of you Julie, Ryan and Chase. A similar thing happened to us at 15 weeks, we had our 12 weeks scan and everything was fine but then at 15 weeks no heartbeat. It’s hard but you will be feel ok again, just give it some time to recover. Lots of love x
Just reading the title brought tears to my eyes and I’ve been thinking of you since.
Your attitude is wonderful and you *Will* make it through this. My thoughts are with you. ?
So so sorry to hear this but also so thankful to have you share this with the world. I recently went through a very similar scenario and its really difficult. I especially do not like the stigma around a miscarriage – even the word seems to imply that a woman did something wrong “miss- carry” – when that is not the case, at all. We can only prayer that one day we will get to meet all these babies in heaven. Love and prayers and thank you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss–truly, I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling.
Recently going through a hard time in my life I found this verse to be so comforting “Let him who walks in the dark, who has light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God” (Isaiah 50:xx) –my situation is totally different, but there have been dark days and this has been profoundly comforting to me. Perhaps it will be for you as well.
I am so very sad for your loss.
May God bring you comfort and peace. I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.
Hi Julie – I am so sorry to hear this and also so grateful to you for posting your experience. I also experienced a miscarriage this year (had stopped growing at 6 weeks, discovered at 9 week ultrasound) and also underwent a D&C. Even though the whole thing was horrible I was able to find solace in talking to the many women in my life who have gone through the same thing. I was shocked at how common (and how secret) miscarriages are.
Big big hugs.
Sending love and prayers to you and your family. I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for your little babe up in Heaven.
sending you love and hugs…
Hi Julie. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby at 21 weeks. I went on to have 3 beautiful boys. After all these years, I can still feel her presence around me…it’s definitely something I cannot forget. At first I was very angry with my body for failing me, and pretty much angry at everything, then came sadness and finally love- because she was with me even though it was for only a short time- she was mine during that time.
Dear Julie,
It breaks my heart to hear of your loss. You are so incredibly beautiful the way you share your feelings about it.
Sending love and hugs to you and your family.
Deanna
I am so sorry. I really appreciate that you wrote this post and are sharing part of your story publicly. We lost our first baby suddenly and similarly, I was 12 weeks along and also chose to have the D&C. I was heartbroken and that was made worse by having to tell people who hadn’t even known that I was pregnant. since then I have tried to talk more openly about miscarriage because the silence around it magnifies an already traumatic experience.
Give yourself time to feel all the emotions. Hopefully, Chase will bring you and Ryan some measure of comfort and joy. I went on to have a beautiful daughter without issue during my next pregnancy, but the platitudes and the statistics about miscarriage weren’t comforting to me in that phase immediately after or when I was newly pregnant again. But this post shows how brave you are and you will be able to make it through that too. For now, just give yourself time.
Julie, I cannot imagine what you and Ryan are going through. Sending you love and praying for God’s strength and comfort for your family during this time. “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” Isaiah 43:2
Julie-
I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried twins at 12 weeks before getting pregnant with our 21month old son and it was life-changing and heartbreaking sadness. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. Sending you and Ryan lots of love and prayers <3 <3
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you. I have had three pregnancy losses and understand completely how devastating it is. I’m thinking of you!
Julie – I am so, so sorry for your lost. I have been a reader for many years and don’t think I have commented before but wanted to reshare a post you wrote almost four years ago in March of 2013 when you were reviewing a book called Blackberry Winter. (https://www.pbfingers.com/blackberry-winter/)
You wrote ” I know this may be an unusual thing to mention in a book review, but I really loved Sarah’s note to the reader at the end of the book. Though I am not a mother myself, I loved this quote: “Wendi reminds me, always, that motherhood–life–no matter how short, is a gift.” My heart broke for both Vera and Claire throughout this novel. I cannot imagine going through the loss of a child and reading along as both women worked through their pain was heart wrenching. I thought the excerpt when Claire watches the robin and it becomes clear that she is going to move on, but will never forget her baby, was absolutely beautiful. Sarah Jio did a wonderful job conveying a mother’s love throughout the novel.”
I ended up reading the book after your review and loving it and for some reason never forgot the quote ““Wendi reminds me, always, that motherhood–life–no matter how short, is a gift.” I felt compelled to share this with you and hope that your own words and the words of Sarah Jio give you some comfort during this difficult time.
Oh my goodness. Thank you, Marni. These words could not be more true. Thank you for reminding me of this. <3
I am so sorry to hear about your loss Julie. Back in July I went through the exact same thing, around the 9 week mark our precious peanut stopped growing and we did not find out until a few weeks later. I understand the pain and suffering you are going through and wish you did not have to experience it. After many tears and breakdowns, we were blessed enough to have another chance at it and I am currently 18 weeks with our first baby boy. My heart goes out to you and Ryan <3
Julie, I am so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you and your family, and especially for peace for you. There is really nothing I can say that you haven’t heard. Unfortunately, it will take some time for you to heal. Lean on your wonderful family and friends, and of course, your precious Chase.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s not a club that anyone should be part of. When I experience this loss, my MIL said it perfectly: “There are some things we won’t ever understand this side of Heaven.” Prayers to you and your family!
I am so sorry you went through this and really respect the way you are bringing awareness to the issue. I am on our local March of Dimes board and they are now bringing miscarriage into their fold of issues they talk about at their March for Babies. It might bring you some closure to walk with them in the spring.
I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. Thank you for sharing, a close family member of mine recently went through this and I had not realized how common this loss is. I know that your words will help other’s heal and feel less alone in their grief.
longtime reader, almost never commenter. wanted to tell you that i’ve been keeping you guys in my thoughts, and am sending love your way. you are wonderful.
So sorry for your loss- I can’t imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts!
I’m so sorry. I had an early miscarriage a while ago and am still trying to get pregnant with my first. It’s a silent battle and yet it’s so common. I wish you guys the best in finding peace with your loss. While you’ll never forget it and will always have that pain, time will allow you to move on.
Hi Julie! I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I was pregnant at the same time as you with my first baby (a boy too!) and I loved reading about your experiences. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts <3
I am so sorry. I know you have heard that a million times now. My husband and I have been trying for almost 3 years – we’ve been told many times that nothing is wrong. I don’t know what it’s like to miscarry, and I don’t know how it feels to carry a child, and I’m not going to begin to try to understand what you’re feeling – but I do know what the feeling of helplessness, and the sick-to-stomach wondering what “could have been or what could be.” Only time will heal you, and while I know these words bring you little to no comfort, please be reminded that everything does happen for a reason. You’re in my prayers.
Julie, it took me a few days to gather up the strength to come back and read through your entire post. I went through the same four years ago, and though the pain never goes away, I try to keep in mind that “now isn’t forever.” May the peace of God be with you and your family.
I’m so very sorry about your lost. I went through the same a few years ago, also at 9 weeks. It’s hard and you’ll never forget, but each day will get better. It’s hard to find the right words to say.
Ah Mimi has baby in her arms already….I do not doubt that for one second.
I have you in my heart today…. And every day
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I so grateful you allowed people to enter into your grief with you. Take the time you need to heal and grieve.
Oh Julie,my heart breaks for you two. You and your family are in my prayers.
Praying for you! You are such a great wife, mother, and a brave inspiration!
I have never commented before, but wanted to pass along lots of hugs to you. I have three amazing kids, my youngest is six months, but I have also had five miscarriages. I think about those babies often, and I know that for whatever reason, it wasn’t the right time or place for them to join our family. I know the heartbreak that you must be feeling, and I am so sorry. Take time to process your loss, hug Chase, and take care of yourself. And thank you for being willing to share your story. XOXO!
Julie – I have been following you on and off the last few years. For some reason, you always seem to pop into my head and this morning I opened my inbox to this post. Though I don’t know you personally, my heart goes out to you. I experienced exactly what you are experiencing a couple months ago – I was excited, this was my first pregnancy and I had no idea what to expect. I was heartbroken to find out the appointment’s outcome was completely opposite what I had hoped for. Thank you for sharing this – you’ve helped me more than I can express. I know it takes so much courage to understand that it is nothing to be ashamed about, and I continue to struggle with it. I know with time I’ll be OK, and you will too.
I am so, so sorry you have felt this pain, Chamois. <3 I am thinking of you and appreciate you making me feel less alone.
Julie, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you strength and peace.
As a longtime reader of the blog, it is hard not to feel like old friends. I am truly sorry Julie and Ryan. You are in my thoughts and prayers. This had to have been such a difficult post to share but I hope you know how many people you inspire on a daily basis and how many of us are thinking of you and your family at this time. <3
Oh, you and your family is in my prayers! I went through this as well and I completely understand how you feel. It was so heartbreaking, but please have hope! 2 months after our loss, I found out I was pregnant with our little girl. My “rainbow baby”. And she was perfect… and the easiest pregnancy. Please remember that all things happen for a reason and God has all under control. Lean on him!! Hugs!!
Julie, my heart goes out to you and your family. You are so incredibly brave for sharing such an emotional experience and I appreciate it. Sending love and strength.
My heart aches for you. Tears have filled my eyes and my heart.
Sincerely,
a long time reader and your cheerleader!
Oh Julie. My heart aches for you as I went through the same thing at week 10 of my first pregnancy. Everyone’s situation is different but so similar in the fact that your heart aches for the baby you created and already began to love. I have always described the d&c procedure for myself as something that cleaned out my heart along with everything else. I felt so numb and empty for quite a while. All totally normal I know now. I didn’t know how I was “allowed” to feel at the time.
I am praying you find the peace you need. My faith in Christ was the only thing that got me through. I ordered a small band for my right hand with a July stone in memory of our angel baby. I have since had two wonderful children who I wouldn’t change for the world, but my mind still sometimes goes to the place of “I wonder what baby #1 would have been like.”
I also read heathersdish.com and her similar situation was the reason I began to feel human again and that it was ok to grieve.
You are an inspiration to so many and this is another reason why. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Julie, I’m so so sorry for your loss.