On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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I can’t even imagine how hard this must be, I’m so sorry. Take care.
So sorry for your loss Julie. It’s very brave of you to share this story when you didn’t have to. You have written about it beautifully, it’s really moved me. Wishing you and your family all the best.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I admire your courage for writing about your experience and wish you the very best.
oh julie, i am so incredibly sorry for your loss. this is just awful. having been through loss myself, my heart just breaks for you. my daughter emma was stillborn at 25w in march of last year – the pain of that loss was all consuming and soul crushing. reading other loss stories online during that time made me feel connected to other women and not so alone during the loneliest time of my life.
thank you for sharing your story so that others who are going through, or have been through, something similar don’t feel so alone.
I am so very sorry, Julie. Miscarriage is so difficult – thank you for speaking out about it, and know that you are not alone. I miscarried 7 years ago, and talking through it with others helped me process my grief. I’m glad you had wonderful doctors and nurses that were sensitive and caring. I hope and pray for comfort and peace for you and your family.
Oh, Julie… I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you and Ryan. Sometimes the hardest thing to hear from God is “Not right now.” But he has plans for y’all.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how you must feel but you are very lucky to have such amazing family and friends to support you. xoxo
Oh how sad for you I feel to hear of your loss! I went through a very similar experience at a 12 week appointment with our second pregnancy. It is such a horrible, awful experience and it is so hard to find comfort during this time. When I look back now, after going on to have 2 more beatiful children since my miscarriage, I know that they wouldn’t be here if things had worked out differently, and it helps ease the pain of remembering. I hope this will be the case for you down the road as well. Prayers for your comfort and healing right now!!!
Julie, my heart aches for you. I know the pain too well as I lost my first baby at 7 weeks. Allow yourself to grieve and be sad. You need that closure. You will beat yourself up (I did), you will be angry (I was), you will think about that baby every day (I still do). You are not alone as miscarriage is unfortunately too common. Lean on your husband and hug baby Chase tight. My thoughts and tears are with you.
I’m so sorry for you and Ryan, and I hope your faith is healing you overcome and understand this.
I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have a miscarriage, and no matter how common it is, it’s heartbreaking to hear someone is going through that pain.
I’m in tears reading this, Julie. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine the pain that goes with this. I know you’re helping and encouraging so many by writing this post. I will add your name to our church prayer list <3 May you feel the peace that only comes from God that this world cannot give us and that this world cannot understand. Take all the time you need <3
Julie I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope that time helps you and your family heal, your family is in my thoughts and prayers!
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing it!! Such an important experience to talk about for the empowerment of all woman and not to feel isolated.
Julie I’m speechless. I thank you for opening up and being honest about your gut wrenching experience and choices that felt right to you. I’m thinking of you and your family, and I’m so sorry.
I’m praying for you Julie! Thank you for sharing your story so that others know they’re not alone. <3
I’m so sorry, Julie. I feel grateful you felt you could share this with of us & hopeful that writing about it helps you to heal. Sending love your way <3
I am so sorry – sending love and good thoughts your way! You are so brave to share this.
Lots of love <3
We are so sorry to hear about your loss and I am so glad you shared your heartbreak on your blog to help other families who may be grieving too. Your Grandma is definitely loving on your baby right now!
I am saddened to hear of your loss and my deepest sympathies to you and Ryan. My God comfort both of you. You are in my prayers.
Prov 3:5-6
I am so sorry to hear this! Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts. Thank you for sharing and letting women know it’s OK to share their experience. I am sure you have helped and touched so many.
I am so sorry for your loss, Julie. I will be praying for you and your family, and sending lots of love your way. Thank you for being so honest (as always) with your posts. It truly helps others not to feel so alone. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending lots of hugs your way. ?
Two sorry for your loss. I have 2 boys and I had a miscarriage in between. A month later, I was pregnant again and now have a 8 month old. After sharing the miscarriage news with a few friends I was surprised to learn how many had them as well. Thanks for sharing and prayers to you and your family.
Praying for you and your family and thank you for opening your heart and trusting us with your story. While I am now more open about it, it has always been a challenge to open my own heart to others with the loss of our 3 beautiful babies. There is a plan for us all, whatever it may be and I’m just so fortunate now that I now have my amazing rainbow babies to love each and every day. Virtual hugs to you!
I’m so sorry for your loss. May these two verses fill you with hope as you continue to process all of this…
“May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may OVERFLOW with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13
“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that EVERY DETAIL in our lives of love for God is worked into something GOOD.” Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)
Prayers of peace, hope and faith that God is working all of this for something GOOD in your life.
So sorry to hear this. <3
Julie, this breaks my heart to read. You are such a brave woman to share such a difficult time with the whole world. I truly admire your strength! Sending all my positive thoughts to your family today.
Julie, my heart is breaking for you and Ryan. I want to thank you for being so unbelievably brave to come out and share your story. Having had 2 miscarriages before my beautiful rainbow baby was born I came to find out in the months and years after that so many women I knew and loved had gone through the same thing. It is something that isn’t spoken about enough and too often we suffer in silence from something that we had no control over. I cannot begin to understand what you went through writing this blog but as someone who has had the same heartbreak please accept my heartfelt thanks. Sending so much love to you and your family.
Julie, this breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sure Chase and Sadie will smother you with kisses and snuggles!
sending you all my love, friend. xoxo
Oh Julie, I’m so sorry. My heart is broken for you and your family. You are so brave for sharing your story.
So, so sorry for your loss. I cried with you as I read this. You write so beautifully & I am sure this post hits most everyone in some way or another. Sending love & prayers to you, Ryan, Chase & Sadie. <3
Julie, I am so sorry to hear this. I can not stop crying for you. Hugs to you.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and prayers to you and Ryan during this difficult time.
My heart dropped when I read the title of your post today. There are no words but I am so, so sorry. I have never been pregnant, but I can only imagine the incredible loss and pain you must feel right now. Allow yourself to feel that, and I hope sharing this will help you heal even just a little bit and not feel so alone. <3
My heart goes out to you. If I were to write my experience of our loss it would almost be exactly the same story. We had a great 8 week apt, everything looked great, to be devastated at the 12 week apt (exact same thing happened). Same comments from my doctor followed by D & C. Give yourself time to grieve and also to let your body rest because it did just go through something big. The following months were a roller coaster ride, but I can tell you this, God’s grace is so much bigger and my faith grew so much in that time. Thank you for being brave to share this because there are so many women that experience loss and knowing you’re not alone in this is such a part of the healing process. I’m sure this will touch someone’s life.
Julie, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and Ryan. I am glad you are able to find comfort and solace in God’s peace and sometimes it is difficult to understand why he puts us through these trials. I know that after this terrible tragedy will come something wonderful. My love and prayers are with you both right now and always. xoxo
Oh Julie. I’m so, so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience – you are not alone, and I hope you find some comfort in that. I’m sure others will find comfort from your words here. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
I’m so sorry to hear this. God bless you all.
I am so sorry Julie! Sending you and Ryan lots of hugs and prayers.
I’m a first time commenter but long time reader, and I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. Take all of the time you need.
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our first baby at 9 weeks and even though we have a healthy, spunky 14 month old now, my heart still aches at times. Prayers for you all during this difficult time.
me I’m so sorry Julie. I had noticed you’d been a little quiet this week and thought it might have been a fun trip/travel. I’m SO sorry to hear about your loss. Your post was brave and beautiful to share.
I would have been around 12 weeks pregnant, but I had a chemical miscarriage in early December. This is actually my first time writing/telling someone about it. Shortly after my positive pregnancy test (which I even wrapped and put in my husband’s stocking ugh), I started bleeding, and my doctor’s office confirmed it was a chemical pregnancy.
After a healthy pregnancy with my son last year, I was shocked. Any loss of a child – whatever the time frame – is devastating in some way, shape, or form. I remember feeling quite numb afterwards. My doctor’s office also assured that it was not my fault, but my coping mechanism has been upping my vitamin game, while encouraging myself to remain hopeful for the future.
Hugs Julie, and hope you take the time you need with your family.
I’ve never commented before, but thank you for this post and your honesty and bravery and for helping others by sharing. Sending you and your family love.
I am so sorry for your loss Julie. I had one and then went on to have a healthy girl later on, but it’s still not something I would wish on anyone. Ever. I think it’s more common than people realize because a lot do not talk about it. I was one of them. I’m praying for peace and healing during this time for all of you.
Prayers for you and your family — so sorry you’re going through this.
Julie I am so very sorry. I’ll be thinking of you guys. Love & hugs to you and Ryan.
Sara
So brave to share this story. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Sending you love and prayers. I have also had a miscarriage and know the pain. Take your time to heal. Thank you so much for sharing. I love how real you are.
I am so sorry for you loss. I had two very early miscarriages. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. You will never forget that sweet baby you carried, but you will be able to heal and move forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.