On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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I am a long time reader but seldom comment. Yours has always been my favorite blog. As I read your post tears streaming down my face I feel especially connected to your story as I am 12 weeks with my first. I cant imagine the feelings you and so many other women are facing right now. My prayers and thoughts for healing and peace are with you and your family at this time.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
<3
I am so sorry for you and Ryan. Tears filled my eyes as I read this post. ❤️
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this difficult news. Prayers for you and your family.
So sorry, Julie. I had a similar experience, and though I went on to have a healthy baby boy later, I still think about and love the baby that I lost. Take your time healing, and don’t let anyone tell you that you’re grieving the wrong way.
Sending you and your family virtual hugs!! Prior to my daughter (our little rainbow baby) who is a few weeks older then Chase, I had 2 MC’s in a span of 6 months. It’s probably one of the hardest things to deal with but you will get thru it. Kudos for blogging about it because I feel like many women keep it inside because they are ashamed – I know I did. Once I did start discussing it, I came to realize how many others close to me have been through the same thing – having the support of others who knew what I was going thru made it a lot easier.
So saddened for you Julie, but so happy that you are finding God’s peace and presence. Praying for you all.
So sorry for your loss, Julie. Lots of love and prayers are coming your way.
Oh sweet friend, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and virtual hugs your way. Thank you for sharing your story, Julie – Praying for comfort.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet baby. I had this happen to me three years ago and it was so hard. Prayers for you and your beautiful family.
Julie, Ryan, and Chase,
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have so much support during this difficult time.
My friend lost twins last summer and has written publicly about it in a spiritual series of blog posts at this link. She shared for the same reason you have shared. https://brookehaynes.wordpress.com/2016/08/25/mother-through-miscarriage/
Thank you for sharing your highs and lows.
Dear Julie, Ryan and Chase,
I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you all, and your unborn baby, are in my prayers.
Sincerely,
Alison
So sorry for your loss. So brave of you to share. Hoping you find peace and love during this challenging time. Xoxo
So sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing your story. I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks last year and it was only hearing other people’s story that helped me get through it! I will be praying for you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You, Ryan, Chae, and Sadie are in my thoughts. Take all the time you need to heal, physically and emotionally.
My heart breaks for you. We went through very similar heartache. God only takes the most perfect babies to be with him. Though you will never be able to hold them, they will forever be in your heart. sending warm hugs to your family.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family love and positive thoughts.
I have been reading your blog for 6 years. Although, I’ve never met you, you’ve let us all into your life and allowed us to experience milestones and very personal events. We show up here everyday because we care what you have to say, and your loss is devastating to everyone who has had the pleasure of getting to know you through your posts.
God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes we don’t entirely understand why we must endure such heartbreak and grief. Just know we, your readers, are praying for you, Ryan and Chase.
I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine how difficult this must be for you and Ryan, but you are in my prayers. <3
I am so so sorry for your families loss and will definitely say a prayer for you today
Julie, my deepest sympathy you and Ryan. I had a similar experience and reading this morning’s post was like reading my own. Thank you for sharing your heart. I will keep your family in my thoughts.
I am so so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry for your loss. I will be sending prayers to you and your family.
Julie, your post has made me shed so many tears and I am so so sorry that this has to happen to you and millions of women out there. I am praying for you right now and your family and asking Jesus to take away the pain. Your little peanut is safe in heaven with our father in heaven. “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I have asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord, 1 Samuel 1:27-28
I’m so sorry for your loss. Lots of virtual hugs! Oddly enough, I just wondered this week if you were pregnant for some reason.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family!
Hi Julie,
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart is breaking for you but I’m so appreciate of you sharing your story. I had a miscarriage around the exact same time this past October and I completely understand the sadness and confusion that come with experiencing this loss. It was our first baby and felt overwhelmed with grief when my doctor broke the news. I thought of all the things I had done (did I work out too much? did I eat the wrong things? was I taking the right prenatal vitamins?) and worried that I had caused this to happen, but my doctor also assured me that it wasn’t my fault. It’s easy to feel like it is since we are carrying the baby so finally coming to the understanding that it wasn’t took some time for me. I also opted to have a D&C and I’m so glad that I did. I really think it helped with the healing process, both emotionally and physically. You’re so lucky to have a supportive husband by your side – having my husband by my side through everything meant so much to me. I didn’t realize how common this was so after I experienced my loss, I searched and read every story that I could find. While it doesn’t make the pain go away, it helps so much just to know that you’re not alone. Once I felt ready to talk about what happened, I found that it helped me more than I thought it would. I know that women all over the world will read your story and feel more at peace knowing that others have shared very similar experiences.
I will be thinking of you and your family. Take all of the time you need to recover; it’s so important. xoxo
Julie,
I simply cannot imagine what you’re going through. I’m in tears by the end of this post. I’m glad you’re taking all the time you need with your family. Sending you and your family so many warm wishes and hugs <3
I’m so very sorry that you are having to go through this. I think it’s very brave of you to be so open about your loss, you’re right, it’s more common than most people think and the more women talk about it, I think it helps women that have had a miscarriage understand that it wasn’t their fault. Prayers for you and your family.
I am so sorry you are going through this. This Bible verse helped me tremendously during my two pregnancy losses:
“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.” That something new for us was my 15 month old son.
Praying for your family.
Julie – I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine how much pain your and your family are going through. I’ll pray for you and your family. Your Mimi will definitely take care of your little nugget until you can meet. Thank you for sharing this with us. Miscarriages are something that happens way too often and sharing your story helps so many others that have gone or are going through the same thing. Stay strong.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry. Nothing can prepare you for a loss like that. Allow yourself to grieve and be kind to yourself. I had a baby boy (about a year older than Chase) and when he was 13 months old I was elated to find out I was pregnant again. At my 12 week appointment I found out the baby stopped growing a few days after my 8 week appointment where everything went perfectly. I had no signs that anything was wrong. We were shocked and devastated. I kept playing out those weeks in my head over and over trying to figure out what I did wrong. But, the truth is, these things just happen. So, I don’t know what you’re thinking or going through now, but don’t blame yourself. The feelings you described before your D&C brought the flood of memories back to me. Like I said be kind to yourself. And, I say this hoping it provides comfort to you, but 6 months after my d&c I got pregnant again with a beautiful baby boy. He’s now 6 months old and I can’t imagine life without him. So, while you will always remember this baby, there’s still hope for the future. For another special heart that you could get to know and love.
I read your story with tears streaming down my face. My husband and I went through this exact experience July 3, 2015. I have never cried harder in my life than I did when I got home after the doctor’s appointment until the D&C the next morning. I felt all the same feels you are feeling. It totally sucks. The fact that one day you have this hope and one day there is no future for this baby you planned a life for is hard to get over. However, the pain does fade, but you never forget. Take the time to heal emotionally and physically, hug your son who is perfect (i have an older daughter) in every way. And know that you will have a sibling for Chase soon. Our rainbow baby was due July 3, 2016 but he came a few weeks early!
Julie, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what pain you all are going through right now. I will be praying for you.
How brave of you to post. I’m so sorry. You, Ryan, and Chase will be in my prayers.
I am so very sorry for your loss Julie. I have been down this road and it is overwhelming how much you can love a child you have never even met. I wish love and healing for you and Ryan. Take good care of yourself.
Julie & Ryan, I am so sorry for your loss. One of my best friends has a story nearly similar to yours. It is heartbreaking. Take time, cling onto the Lord, and take care of yourself – your readers will be here. No need to respond to emails or posts. In the end, you and your family matter most. We will always be here. 🙂
I’m so so sorry, Julie. Sending lots of love and light your way. <3
I am so so sorry for your family’s loss. Thank you for sharing your experience so that we can think of you, and know you are not alone. You are all in my thoughts <3
Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I cannot imagine the sorrow that you and Ryan are feeling. Sending you strength and comfort as you take the time to grieve.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for opening up your heart during such a difficult time. Sending positive vibes to your beautiful family! Take care of yourself <3
So so sorry to hear about your loss. Will be lifting you all up in prayers. We lost a little one as well, much earlier in the pregnancy but nonetheless. After the miscarriage, I got pregnant and now have a beautiful 8 month old. God has His plans that are much better then any we have for ourselves. Hugs to you all.
My heart goes out to you Julie (and Ryan, Chase, and Sadie). Sending so much love your way.
I’m so very, very sorry. I had a loss over the summer and I understand how empty and lost you can feel. Things will get better, it just takes some time. I have a healthy three year old and we’re now 20 weeks pregnant with another baby and I am beyond thankful. Sending some prayers your way.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I cried when I read this post, and my heart breaks for you and your family. My husband and I are struggling to conceive. I know it’s not the same as what you’re going through, but every month I cry for what could’ve been and wonder why it’s not happening for us yet. Stay strong in your faith and you’re in my prayers.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. This post is raw, emotional and so perfectly articulates a pain many people don’t talk about.
Thank you for your openness and honesty. You, Ryan and Chase are in my thoughts.
So sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling as I have had two miscarriages myself. It’s something you never wish upon anyone, but makes you stronger, your relationship even stronger and makes you feel grateful for what you have. I was blessed soon after my second miscarriage with my rainbow baby, Luella! Now a year later she has an Irish twin, her brother Harrison! God works in magical ways!!
Thank you for the blog post. For me, talking about my miscarriages helped a great deal.
So incredibly sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story and opening these types of conversations. I will be thinking of your family!
I’m so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. I lost two babies at 7 weeks and 11 weeks and it is incredibly hard. Let yourself feel sad or whatever other emotions you have. It is normal and ok. I found So many people have been through similar experiences after I opened up about it and it made me feel less alone. I’m glad you shared your experience and know you are not alone.