On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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Lifting up prayers from Texas. <3
My heart is absolutely shattered for you. Please know that you will be in my heart and receiving ALL of my best wishes.
Julie, I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. *Hugs* to you all.
My heart just frowned upside down. I love your posts and over the years I have grown to look forward to them everyday. Ryan and you are such deserving parents and it breaks my heart that you had to go through this.. Everything happens for a reason but in my heart I believe strong people get dealt the toughest cards to help others, so thank you for helping people with this post because I am certain you have helped so many. Im almost 30, no kids, but I cannot wait to have some so I cant imagine how you felt losing one but know God heals! You are strong!!! Hugs!
I am so sorry Julie. I had a miscarriage (would have been baby #3) at 8 weeks. A few months later I got pregnant again and had a healthy baby girl who is almost 8 months old. It is a horrible pain, and unfortunately too common. The only advice I can give you is allow yourself time to heal and be gentle with yourself. Just do whatever you can to get through. I was incredibly anxious after it happened, and obviously, devastated. The pain will decrease, but never really goes away. Thank you for sharing your story. I think the more people talk about it, the less people will feel alone and realize that it really does happen far too much, unfortunately.
I’m so sorry Julie, hugs to you and your family xoxo
Julie,
Please know I am praying for you and your sweet family. Specifically for healing, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I know how you fee. I experienced a miscarriage at almost 8 weeks in November. Sharing is a powerful thing. I feel the exact same way, miscarriage and infant loss shouldn’t be seen as a taboo topic. I know that others will find comfort know they are not alone. You can read about my loss here: http://jessforhim.blogspot.com/search/label/Miscarriage
This path is not easy but it’s how we handle this that will bring God the glory and show others the transformation He has done in our lives. For me (as I am still healing) there are two verses that comfort me and I pray they would comfort you as well. Romans 12:12, Romans 8:18 and 2 Corinthians 12:9 (one of my absolute favorites).
I’m so, so sorry to read this and so sorry for the pain you are going through. Thoughts and prayers for your sweet family.
So sorry for your loss. You and you really family are in my prayers. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Please let yourself grieve. Hugs!
Thank you for sharing- I hope this community you give so much to gives you comfort at this hard time! Take all the time away you need as well, we’ll be waiting patiently 🙂
I am so very sorry you are going through this. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.
4 years ago (almost to the day,) this was me. My baby had stopped growing at about 8 weeks they thought and we never had the chance to see a heartbeat. Now as my husband and I struggle to conceive, that pain continues. It has gotten better with time, but please be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.
I’m so sorry, Julie. Unfortunately, I am one of the ones who can identify with your pain. This past fall, we lost our baby at 11 weeks. I appreciate you sharing your story. After having gone through this myself, I have come to realize that we need to talk about it and shouldn’t feel the need to keep it quiet. I hope you feel the tiniest bit of peace having put your story out there and that you feel the love from everyone reading and commenting. Your grief may not follow a linear cycle, so be kind to yourself and know that may be one step forward/two steps back for awhile, but eventually you’ll start to make some real progress toward healing. Love and prayers to you.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. I too, found out on Monday that the baby I was carrying also did not have a heart beat and went through with a D&C yesterday. Although this was my second miscarriage, it is still so emotional and raw and you constantly question yourself if there was something you could have done to prevent it. I just keep thinking that I am very lucky to have a happy, healthy 3 1/2 year old little girl and that maybe this was God’s way of telling us it just wasn’t the right time.
I am happy to hear that you have a great support system because they are truly needed at a time like this.
Julie, I’m so, so, so sorry to hear this. Sending you and your family much love and prayers of support. Take care of yourself x
My heart is broken for you and your family, Julie. Sending lots of love and prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there and it’s so hard. My due date was actually just a day before yours with Chase so when I read your announcement on the blog I was in instant tears. It was too painful to read for a while. Take some time for yourself away from things that bring up the hurt and surround yourself with support. I learned many things about God amidst the pain of my loss but most of all, that he works all things for good… a year to the week of my miscarriage I got pregnant again and here I sit staring at my sweet baby boy. Keep the faith and my prayers are with you.
Oh Julie! I’m so sorry. I am praying for you that God would continue to be with you and you would feel His love and peace as you grieve. Sending big hugs!
I’m so sorry. I suffered two miscarriages in a row when my first child was around Chase’s age. I know how hard and heartbreaking it is. I was also around the 12 week mark both times. I thought I would never be able to have another baby but baby #2 is now 6 months old. Just know that you did nothing wrong and the pain will go away eventually. When baby number 2 does come it’ll be even more special.
Thank you for sharing your story and your experience, I know that was not easy. Praying for you and your husband right now.
Hi, Julie. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I just had a baby 12 days ago, but we loss our first baby in March at 7 weeks, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I remember not even being scared about them d&c because I was so torn up emotionally. The best thing I did was just surround myself with my family and friends and cry when I needed to cry and talk about how I was feeling whenever I needed to. let yourself take as long as you need to grieve, and don’t be too hard on yourself. You lost a child (don’t let anyone diminish that because the baby was “only x number of weeks old)- there is no *right* way to grieve. I’m sending lots of good lots your way!
My heart breaks for you. I am so so so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you so much love!
So sorry for your loss. I am thinking and praying for you and your family.
Julie, As a long-time reader, and a new mom, I have turned to you and your blog for advice countless times and always look forward to your posts. My heart breaks for your whole family. Sharing your story is truly a testament to the strong person that you are. Thank you for sharing your story, and continuing to make your blog a place that others can find comfort in. Your little one will always be so loved <3
Oh Julie I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for healing during this time of deep sorrow. I have lost three sweet babies to miscarriage and it’s amazing how the grief can sneak up on you when you least expect it. I waited two weeks after things didn’t look so great before doing a D&C, and during that time I prayed for a miracle. I remember on our way to get the D&C I turned to my husband and said, I truly felt like God would answer our prayers and that our babies would be OK (I was pregnant with twins). He looked at me and said, “Could you imagine a better place for them to be than in the presence of the Lord? God did answer our prayers. They are with Him and are more loved than we can even fathom.” Hosea 6:1 is the verse that got me through each loss, “Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us;he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.” God taught me so much through our losses and drew me even closer to Him.
Hugs to you. Your loss is heartbreaking. Sending you warm thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
I’m so sorry Julie! This must be such a hard time for you, but know that we are all sending positive vibes your way. XO
My prayers are with you and your family! <3 <3
Thank you for your honesty. Thinking of you and your family. I believe you’re right, he or she is absolutely being held by your Mimi.
Julie, I can’t even begin to fathom the loss that you, Ryan, Chase and Sadie are feeling. I appreciate your openness and honesty. It is not something easy to deal with. Just rely on your family, friends and faith. I’ll be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this. I know this pain -I was “fortunate” that mine was still early enough where I did not need a procedure and my body did the work for me. It still hurts. Pregnant for 3 weeks or 10, you still make plans, and mention names, and wonder who he/she will look like, and think of fun ways to tell your family. The guilt will go away but you will still remember your due date and years from now you’d think of how you’d have a 1 or 2 or 3 year old. Enjoy your time with your family, cry, eat pizza, cry some more, be lazy. Do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Xo
I’m so, so sorry Julie. Sending thoughts and prayers to you, Ryan and your family. <3
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing – I am sure it has helped many other women to hear your story. Praying for your comfort.
I’m so sorry for you and your loss. With each day, may God take you further from your grief.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love, hugs and prayers to you and your family. <3
Saying a prayer for you and your family <3
Julie, I am SO sorry for your loss 🙁 Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I am terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I also had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, but found out a day before my 12 week appointment as I was spotting. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and there were moments where I didn’t know how anyone could survive something like this. I was so heartbroken. It will take time for your body and heart to heal, but they will. Mine did, and I now have a beautiful 20 month old son. Take time with your family and enjoy your blessings. You will come out of this with hope and bravery.
xoxoxo love you!
I’m so sorry. What a devastating loss for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others in a similar situation feel that they are not alone. That is such a gift!
No words make it easier to work through the grief of loss. Thinking of you all & sending love & hugs from Memphis.
You and my family are in my thought
As a long time reader, I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your honesty and want you to know that you are not alone. I have had multiple miscarriages now and wish that no one should have to go through this pain. Your family is in my prayers.
My deepest condolences . <3
I’m so grateful that you had Ryan with you – and that you place your trust in God. I will pray through my tears for you right now.
My heart is broken for you and your family. A beautiful, brave, and moving post. I am so glad you shared your difficult experience – you hit the nail on the head. It is a personal decision but I also think there is NOTHING to hide when going through a pregnancy loss. Your openness will undoubetdly help so many others who have or will go through something similar. My thoughts are with you.
My heart aches for you, Julie. Praying for peace and love for you and your family.
Julie, I am wiping away the tears at my desk. I am so so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine and don’t want to imagine the pain you are feeling. The only words of encouragement I can offer is whenever you are sad, immediately look at your beautiful blue eyed boy. Praying and thinking of you!
I shed tears and heartbreak for your loss. Sending you peace and light.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine how painful that must be. Prayers for you, and thanks for sharing.