On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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I am so sorry Julie, my heart and thoughts are wrapped around you and Ryan and your family. xoxo
Oh Julie, my heart aches for you, Ryan and Chase. I am SO SO sorry you are going through this and will be thinking and praying for your family! I hope you take all the time you need to grieve and be with one another right now. XO
I’m so sorry Julie. I had an early miscarriage in December (my first pregnancy). It was devastating and I still haven’t talked about it with anyone other than my husband. Thank you for sharing your story and making me feel more comfortable sharing mine <3
Oh Julie, I am so very sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing such a personal thing, it truly does help other people who are going through the same thing.
I am so very sorry for your, Ryan, and Chase’s loss. Hugs to all of you, especially you, Julie. My heart goes out to you.
As a long time reader, my heart is overwhelmed with grief and love for your precious family. I cannot imagine the pain you must be in, but please take comfort in knowing my husband and I are praying for and thinking of you during this time. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us-I know many women will be encouraged and touched by your selflessness. With love, Shelby
I am so very sorry for the loss you and your family are experiencing. Please know that you are in my prayers.
I want to thank you so much for sharing this deeply personal experience because you are reaching and helping women who are privately grieving and letting them know they are not alone.
Sending so so much love your way <3
Julie, I’m so sorry. I don’t have children yet but have friends who experienced miscarriages and my heart goes out to you. Soak up your family’s hugs and kisses and take all the time you need to heal.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you and Ryan must be feeling and my thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Sending lots of love and prayers to you and your family. I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that you sharing your story will help so many other who have similar experiences. Thank you so much for being so open, I hope you can feel all of the love and support being sent your way.
Aww Julie 🙁 *Hugs* I know we’re kind of mutual friends in our Charlotte FB group, and met briefly at a HLS a million years ago, but I’ve been through two miscarriages, and it was heartbreaking both times, so I know how tough it is. If it helps at all, here’s the links to my old posts:
http://littletower31.blogspot.com/2011/07/nine-weeks.html
http://littletower31.blogspot.com/2012/03/again.html
As you know, I now have two healthy girls, but still very heartbreaking never the less. My miscarriages were probably the hardest thing I’ve been through. If you ever wanna talk, I’m local and you can send me a FB message or whatever. .
Oh sweet girl, you heart hurts so much for you and your family. I, too, have experienced a miscarriage with a very similar timing of when baby stopped growing (9 weeks.)
Your blog is my first visit on the computer, with my coffee and breakfast, every morning (after I’ve laid my youngest down for his nap.)
I feel like I’ve “gotten to know you” and you’re generous, kind soul. All I can say is that prayers help, so does the love and support of your family and friends. But time will also help, time to grieve and then look forward. I had a miscarriage in between my two daughters and had another baby boy around same time you had Chase. When I was going through the miscarriage grief I kept thinking about the baby I’d never meet, but today I can look back and know my sweet angel baby is in heaven with other loved ones (like your Mimi greeting your sweet angel baby.)
Sadly, miscarriages are quite common, yet we don’t talk about them much. Probably because of how sad they are and so very personal. You are incredibly brave to share your experience and hopefully other women will find solace and comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in going through this.
Praying for comfort and peace for you and your family.
I’m so sorry, Julie. I lost my first baby at 14 weeks so I know the pain and heartbreak you are feeling all too well. I’m sorry to say this is a heartbreak you will carry with you for the rest of your life, but I will tell you this-it gets easier with time. Thank you for sharing and know you are not alone.
As a long time reader and soon-to-be first time mom, I teared up reading this. Your honesty and vulnerability is so admirable and appreciated. Who knows how many women you’ve helped to feel the tiniest bit better by writing this. Thoughts are with you guys!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m crying in between teaching classes on journalism. I went through the same thing and my heart broke. It was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. The pain never goes away, but it changes and it does get better. Be kind to yourself and take your time to heal. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am a long time blog reader and am thinking of you and your sweet family during this difficult time. Sending lots of love and comfort your way.
Oh, Julie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage on my second pregnancy as well. It was so heartbreaking, and I still think about the possibilities of the little life that was lost all the time. However, I experienced such unexpected blessing when so many moms I knew came out of the woodwork with their own stories of pregnancy loss. I found out that about 75% of the moms in my moms group had also experienced miscarriage at some point. Even though I didn’t know them very well yet at the time, they poured out so much love sharing their own stories and giving me hope for the future. I went forward from that experience knowing in my heart that God was equipping me to be that source of support for some other heartbroken mom in the future. About 6 months later, I got pregnant again. I will admit that the miscarriage did rob me of some of the innocent bliss I had with my first pregnancy. The first trimester was especially hard and I was very anxious, but I am now almost 27 weeks along with a little boy. I will never forget the precious little life that was lost, but I am confident that someday I will get to meet him or her in heaven.It makes me happy to know that you have Chase to be your light through this dark time. I was so, so grateful to have my little daughter during the time I was grieving the miscarriage. I will pray for healing and hope for you and your family!
I am so very sorry for your loss <3
My deepest sympathies for you and your family. And if there are any trolling comments on this post like you’ve experienced in the past when sharing deep emotions, please please know the vast majority of us feel nothing but empathy for you in this time. Much love.
Bless you and your dear family.
I rarely comment on anything, but this is heartbreaking and I just want to tell you how sorry I am. My deepest and most sincere condolences.
Julie, I am so sorry for you and Ryan. Take whatever you need. Know that many have miscarried and then continued on with successful pregnancies, if that is what you wish. Myself included. It’s just a difficult loss that isn’t often acknowledged or talked about. Keep breathing. xoxo
I’m so sorry for your loss. I experienced a miscarriage in November of 2015. We had an appointment the day before Thanksgiving and had planned to announce the pregnancy at dinner with our family the next day. Instead, I was scheduled for a D&C the following Monday. It was the longest weekend and most surreal holiday season I’ve experienced. Fortunately, I had my daughter (1) and wonderful husband to love and support me through that time. I’m sending you love and support with this message, and hope that you are all doing well.
I am so sorry for your loss and I truly appreciate you talking about it. I suffered 4 miscarriage’s before I was finally able to carry my son to full term. He is a happy healthy 13 year old whom I love dearly. Focus on your health and family right now. Everything else will fall into place. Hugs to you ?
Hi Julie. I commented on your Instagram post but felt compelled to comment here, too. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I, along with many, many women, have experienced this pain. It is incredibly difficult and I don’t think you can ever be prepared for it. As another commenter said, it never really goes away, but just like any loss, time will help you process and move forward. Take time to grieve and spend time with your family and friends, and know that we are lifting you up in prayer.
Oh julie, I am so sorry.
Julie I am so incredibly sorry for the loss that you and Ryan must be feeling right now. The fact that you are able to be so vulnerable and honest to share your story truly shows how strong and compassionate of a person you are. Your blog has been such a resource for me and so many women for years. Know that you have so many people supporting you through this corner of the Internet who truly feel for you and are praying for you. Take peace knowing that you will meet the baby one day in heaven.
I am so sorry for your loss. I want to thank you for sharing your story. My first pregnancy ended this way and I think it is so important to share the pain of miscarriages with each other. After we learned of the miscarriage, I had to wait 3 days until I did the misoprostal and I can relate to the helplessness you felt over those 24 hours. I want you to know it is not your fault and you have so many people thinking about you. Take all the time you need and surround yourself with family and loved ones. Every year I do something on my baby’s due date to celebrate the few weeks I had with my little baby. It has helped me to come to grips with the loss. Sending you love.
Julie- I’m so sorry for your loss. My 12 week appointment is on Tuesday. I’m praying hard for your angel baby and the health of my baby. I cannot imagine the moment when you didn’t hear the heartbeat. It breaks my heart and makes me want to weep.
Long time reader here who rarely comments but wanted to send some love your way today. I too have experienced miscarriage and the sadness that goes along with it. It will get better with time. You’ll always have your baby in your heart. Xo
This hurts and I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy this last fall and not many people knew (still don’t know). Of the people I did confide in, no one had been through it themselves so I felt very lonely. It still hurts especially as I’ve been finding out about MANY people that are expecting now around the same time. I’ll be praying for you both as you deal with this incredibly painful news. So, so sorry.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I miscarried with my first pregnancy (around the time you were pregnant with Chase) and also had a D & C surgery. It was by far the hardest thing my husband and I have ever gone through. The sadness never goes away but it does become manageable. I keep an ultrasound picture of our little one right next to a picture of our soon to be one year old daughter. It brings me comfort to look at both my children. I pray you and Ryan find strength in each other and comfort in Chase. God bless!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for your family and your future babies to come
Oh Julie. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you and your family.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Pregnancy loss is so heartbreaking. I know that your baby felt all the love that you and Ryan had for them, and that they are safe (and continue to know your love) now.
I am so sorry for your loss. This was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
Julie, you are so loved and adored by all of us. Please know we are all with you. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you and your family are going through. I know the pain of losing a baby as we lost our daughter when she was 4 days old after complications during delivery and I can honestly say it is the hardest thing any mother or parent will have to go through. I am praying for you and your family during this hard time. Your baby will always be watching over you <3
I am so sorry for your loss. I myself have experienced two miscarriages. My second just happened at nine weeks on January 4. It is so heartbreaking as we try to wrap our brains around it. It’s been two weeks since my D&C and now that my hormones have calmed down I can see and think a bit clearer and know in my heart it was nothing that I did. It’s hard not to feel guilty, but know that there is nothing you did wrong. Hang in there! Hugs!
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. When I had a miscarriage last January I really appreciated reading others’ stories. Mine also came with no signs or symptoms and was a total shock. Your doctor is right that it’s nothing you did wrong, and that it doesn’t mean you’ll have trouble necessarily in the future. I just gave birth to my rainbow baby 2 weeks ago with a totally complication free pregnancy. Keeping you in my thoughts.
I am so sorry for yours and Ryan’s loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers to you and your beautiful family<3 xoxo
My heart goes out to you. I am thinking of you and Ryan. Thank you for your bravery in sharing. x
Julie, I’m so sorry for you loss. As a nurse and a mama I know the pain and sadness it can cause. Please take the time to grieve as often we as women are told to just move on but do what you need to do, take the time you need. Sending love and hugs. Know that sharing your story helps so many other mamas who’ve grieved in silence and know you are helping so many xo
All my thoughts and love
Fiona
Sending love and prayers your way <3
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you and Ryan. I hope that you are finding comfort in your family. You are such a wonderful and caring mother, so I hope that the feelings of guilt aren’t weighing too heavy on you, because as the doctor said, this isn’t your fault.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss Julie. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks as well. Even though I had a successful pregnancy shortly after, I still cherish & honor that baby that I never got to hold. I know we will be reunited one day. Take care of yourself and take all the time you need to grieve.
Just sending all the love to you. I am so sorry
So much prayer and love to you guys! Sometimes things don’t make sense in life. I know this is a very difficult time, but you will get through it. xoxo