On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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Just want you to know how very sorry I am. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Take your time to grieve and heal.
Julie, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know the pain this brings, as I too have had a miscarriage at about 9 weeks with my very first baby. I pray for comfort to you and Ryan as you grieve this precious baby. Sharing your story can be such a help and inspiration to others have been through the same or may possibly be in the future. You and Ryan will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Julie – I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious sweet baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Ryan, Chase, and Sadie. <3
I am so very sorry for your loss. As someone who has unfortunately experienced this as well, it is truly heartbreaking. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’ve been there more than once unfortunately. I feel for you deeply. My first time — years ago now — was right around the same time I started following your blog. And I have been struggling with infertility since my last miscarriage a while back (no #1 still!). I admit I have had to take breaks from your blog because of my jealousy (well, jealousy is not the perfect word) of your beautiful family & how easy (it seemed to me) for you to start that family. But thank you for sharing this experience. Not only because (as you acknowledge) it is helpful to women to feel that others have gone through similar challenges and pain, but also because it is brave and welcomes to your readers to look less than perfectly lucky in all things including motherhood. Wishing you the best.
I feel that this is me a couple of years ago. I also had an early miscarriage while I was struggling to get pregnant and sometimes I had a hard time following my favorite blogs, since it seemed to me that everyone but me was getting pregnant. I hope you can find some peace in this process and feel blessed no matter what. Whishing you the best.
I’m so very sorry for you and Ryan’s loss, Julie. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry, Julie. Thinking of you and your family.
I’m so sorry, Julie. Thinking of you and your precious baby today <3
Thank you for sharing, Julie. You are a strong woman, but thank God our God is stronger!
Stephanie
You and your family are in my prayers. It’s so very brave of you to put this out there – there is still such stigma and shame associated with miscarriage, and your willingness to share your experience is helpful and healing to others. God bless you.
Oh Julie, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope it’s comforting to know that you have lots of friends (even those of us whom you’ve never met in person) who are thinking of you at this difficult time. Much love to you, Ryan and Chase.
Julie,
From the second I started reading this post, I started tearing up wanted to send you both the biggest virtual hug and let you know that sadly you are not alone. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I went through pretty much the exact same thing about a year ago…in fact, a year on 2/4/17. I also chose to move forward with a D&C. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help make the pain go away but sadly, I do not. Just know that you are not alone, you did absolutely nothing wrong and that one day the sun will shine again. It sounds like you know this but absolutely talk to your loved ones. Leaning on our friends and family helped so much and of course leaning on each other… and our little puppy who at times was the only thing that could bring a smile to my face. I know Chase and Sadie will help with that.
Though things will be tough as you both grieve, I promise it will get better. It may take some time, but it will. At times, I wondered but then one day in early August, I saw that second line. We’re expecting our baby boy this April and could not be more thrilled. Yes, there are days when we both think about that first baby but I believe that things truly happen for a reason. This was our journey and our story in extending our family (aside from our fur baby) and though the road was rocky, it was all worth it in the end. Best of luck to you both and like I said, I promise the sun will shine again(my only words of wisdom from one bubbly girl to another)! 🙂
Lindsay
Oh, Julie. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing this. I miscarried my first pregnancy with identical twin boys at 19 weeks, and my second pregnancy at 9 weeks. Having a post like this to read would have been such a comfort to me as I went through those miscarriages. You are helping so many people by sharing such a beautiful and emotional post. We now have a sweet little 16 month old daughter that is a complete joy, but we always have the three babies we lost in our hearts. We are sending our love, prayers, and good wishes to you and your family.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m in tears after reading this and I hope you know what a great person and mom you are. Sometimes God has other plans but you did nothing wrong. I will keep you, Ryan, Chase and your whole family in my prayers. Sending lots of love to you.
Was reading this on Desiring God today and then saw your post…if you haven’t read it already I hope you get a chance too. I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling but praying for you and Ryan at this time.
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/my-baby-s-heart-stopped-beating
So sorry for your loss. Prayers and love <3
So sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience. After my miscarriage it was reading about other experiences and talking to friends who had unfortunately been through the same situation that helped me to feel less alone and process. Healing thoughts being sent to you, Ryan and Chase.
I’m am so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. I have lost 3 babies to miscarriage, and it is truly heartbreaking. Praying for peace and strength for you in the days to come. Thank you for your open and honest post.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing. As women, we need to come together for support during times like this. xoxo
I am so sorry for your loss! Thanks for sharing . . . I know reading your story will no doubt help others who have gone and will go through the same thing feel less alone. And I am sure that baby felt ALL of your love the brief time you carried it. Sending you love and healing, sweet lady.
Oh, Julie. I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your precious little baby. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart with us. So many people stray away from the topic of miscarriage, and I believe this personal topic is one that we should talk about. I can relate to the pain and hope you are feeling right now, as my husband and I recently have gone through this. A little over two weeks ago, my husband and I went to an appointment where heard those dreaded words that our precious baby boy no longer had a heartbeat. I had a D & E two days later. I pray that you’ll continue to feel God’s presence and that He’ll help you continue to find hope and joy. Losing a baby is so very hard and nothing can prepare you for this. I’m sending so many prayers and love your way. <3
Julie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby. Believe in God’s word, Matthew 5:4 states God blesses those who mourn for they will be comforted. Praying God will wrap his arms around you and Ryan during your time of need.
Thank you so much for sharing and talking about your experience. I had a miscarriage in November of 2015 and all of the feelings came rushing back after reading your post. However, I also trusted in God and knew that he was in charge. I can tell you that I am now 36 weeks pregnant with a girl (our second baby)! God definitely has a plan for you and your family! Sending love and light to you and your family!
Julie,
I have had three miscarriages and understand the sadness and hurt you are feeling right now. May God give you the strength and love to help you while you are grieving. I know all of our little ones are waiting to meet us one day in heaven. God bless you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This brings tears to my eyes, as I experienced two miscarriages prior to being blessed with my first son. My first experience was similar to yours – I went in expecting to hear the heartbeat at 12 weeks only to hear nothing and see that the baby had stopped developing. The sadness, the confusion and the anger was overwhelming. I’m glad to see that you shared this post – I kept my first miscarriage quiet and in hindsight that was quite a mental burden. After my second, I let people know and the support from family, friends and co-workers was amazing and helped me heal. Thinking of you all.
Julie – Reading your blog posts brought tears to my eyes. I’m so very sorry for the loss of you and Ryan’s baby. I can’t imagine the emotions you are feeling. You and your family will be in my thoughts and I pray that you are able to grieve and heal. xo.
My heart breaks for you and Ryan. I know as you said, Mimi is taking care of your baby until they all see you again one day.
Take all the time you need…the blog can wait, your heart can’t.
Julie, my heart hurts for you. I’m so thankful that you are able to articulate the deep pain which accompanies the loss of your baby because sometimes, somehow, the word “miscarriage” seems to soften the reality of what you’re truly experiencing right now to others. I’m grateful that, despite your grief, you are able to share and to allow others who might (unconsciously) dismiss the difficulty of what you and Ryan bear, to have a fuller understanding of the reality. No pressure, but here are two articles that I pray might be encouraging to you! One was written by my brother in law upon the loss of their daughter.
Love in Christ~ Allie
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-worst-pain-ive-ever-known
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/my-baby-s-heart-stopped-beating
I I feel there is nothing I can say that will ease your pain. So I offer (hugs).
Sending prayers and so much love your way during this difficult time. Thank you for the courage to share such a personal experience, mama.
Julie,
My prayers are with you and Ryan and your whole entire family. I pray you find comfort and peace that only God can provide. Thank you so much for allowing us to help you through this. You are so brave for being so honest. Please allow as much time to heal physically and mentally. Sweet little Chase will be your bright light during this period.
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for your openness and honesty with sharing this. It is very brave. Wishing you all the best.
Julie, I am so, so sorry you had to go through this experience. I had an almost identical situation when I found out we lost our first baby boy around 10 weeks (determined at our 12 week appointment). It was extra shocking because, like you, I never had any symptoms to suggest anything was wrong. Regardless of how you find out, it is such devastating news. I did have my son, my now crazy 13 month old, a year after my miscarriage. This, I’m sure, is a very dark and sad time for you and your family, and you are in my thoughts. Know that, like most things, time will ease the pain.
Thank you for sharing. My husband and I lost our first baby at 17 weeks followed by a two day procedure. Time helps as does the love and support of those around you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. At the same time, I want to thank you for sharing. I just went though this same experience this very week and while still reeling and trying to sort through my feelings, I’ve sought out stories and experiences from others that have been in the same place. It has helped me find solace in knowing that I am not alone, so for that, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you peace and strength in the days ahead.
I am deeply sorry for your tremendous loss. Strange I wondered a couple of days ago if you might be pregnant. I know this loss and it’s big and it’s deep. Our only hope is Eternity and the comfort we have knowing we’ll see our baby one day. I believe my Grandmother arrived in Heaven and said give me that baby.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sending all my love to you.
Julie and Ryan, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, have experienced a miscarriage. I still wonder about that baby and wonder what he/she would have made of themselves in this world as this was 26 years ago. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. My brother and his wife just experienced their first miscarriage the week before Christmas and there is no way to really express the sadness or the loss that I can only imagine they felt, and that the rest of us felt just as excited family members so know that you are not alone in experiencing this tragedy and these feelings. That said you are so brave to share e and from this difficult time only good things can come, a new bond between you and Ryan, you and Chase, and eventually a new baby. I have no idea how, as a parent, it must feel but just know we are out here sending you good vibes and sympathy and take your time to grieve, mourn, and recover as you feel is right.
This is so terribly sad, Julie, but it will help many people that you’ve shared your real and honest words. Sending love and prayers your way.
So sorry for your loss. It hurts and it will. I lost our first sweet baby November 2014- its horrible. Your heart hurts everything hurts and you are just SAD. I will say it helps so much to talk to people- honestly this has happened to so many that can wrap you in love. I know you are healing but after mine my husband talked to a lady he worked with that has been a nurse for like 25 years. She told us that after a D&C most people conceive very quickly and usually have healthy babies. This was our case, and we now have a happy 14 month old. I know this isn’t easy but know you aren’t alone and the sweet baby will be there in heaven for you. Prayers love!
Oh, I am so sorry, Julie. My heart hurts for you and Ryan. Take all the time in the world to surround yourself with loved ones and heal your heart, mind, and body. Sending lots of love to you and your family.
This brought tears to my eyes. Praying for you and Ryan.
God is so good. He brought you peace in the middle of a valley.
May you continue to rest in Him
Julie, my heart goes out to you and your family… I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and I hope all these positive thoughts and prayers reach you all. Thinking of you guys and keeping you in my prayers.
Julie – long time reader, first time poster. I’m incredibly sorry for your loss. My husband and I had an identical situation happen to us in August 2015. We saw our baby boy’s heartbeat at 8 weeks and then at our 11 week appt, there was nothing. There were no signs, no warnings — and then we had to go through the painful process of telling our closest friends and family that the baby had passed. It took months for us to recover and still today I choke up thinking about it. We had our beautiful baby boy almost exactly a year to the date of our loss. But with that first loss, we lost our innocence and the joy of pregnancy. One thing that helped me was to journal my feelings – it helped me get them out of my head (and that constant replay) and little by little helped me get to our new normal. Praying for you and your family.
I can’t even begin to imagine how important you telling your experience must be. I’m 34 weeks pregnant with our first child and my heart is breaking for your family. Thank you, as always, for sharing your experience. I am not sure that I could be that brave.
Wishing I could give all of you a big warm hug this morning!
I am so sorry for your loss! It hurts my heart that you had to go through this. Know that you are not alone and that there is lot’s of love surrounding you. Sending hugs and positive vibes!
I lost two babies when we were trying for our second. I’ve never been through anything harder in my life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I am here to say that it will get easier ❤
I am so sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need. I will be keeping you, Ryan and your little one in my thoughts and prayers. xo
Thank you for writing this. I am so sorry for your loss and what your going through. I have a little boy who is 17 months old and I lost a baby in November, it is very hard and not talked about enough but it helped me as well to get it out in the open. Hold your boys tight, that is the only reason I got through it. We will think of those babies everyday. Xo