On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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Julie, reading this raw, but beautiful post brought tears to my eyes. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers and am sending lots of virtual love and hugs your way xoxo
I had a miscarriage on Christmas morning this past year; it started just before we were going to tell my family the good news. I just want to say that grief looks different for everyone and there is no “normal” way to grieve. Some days you might want to talk, some days you might want to be alone. There’s no right way to do it. And it’s not linear. And it sucks.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Julie. I had two miscarriages before having my son, and even though they were early in my pregnancies, I was devastated by both. Thinking of you. <3
I’ve been where you are Julie, it’s such a hard place to be. I’m so sorry this happened. You will never forget that sweet baby.
You & your family will be in my thoughts & prayers.
I’m so sorry for your loss Julie and Ryan! Thinking of you!
I am so sorry for your and your family. I had a miscarriage between two healthy little girls and I can tell you, it is hard and it is so emotional. I cried as I read your blog because even though it happened to me two years ago, those memories flood back. I am thankful that you shared. It is so common to experience and yet so often not talked about even among friends.
I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.
Hi Julie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now, but I am glad you feel supported by your friends and family. Thank you for taking time for yourself to process this. We understand if the blog is quiet for awhile, your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health are what is most important right now. I am thinking of you, Ryan, Chase, and all of your family and sending positive and healing thoughts to you.
Take care,
Maeghan
Sending so much love and prayers for this time of hurt.❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m so sorry, Julie. My husband and I know all too well the pain your are experiencing right now. Prayers are with you. Hope is in the near future. And that baby is safe in Heaven with your Mimi.
Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Please know that your family is my thoughts and prayers during this most difficult time.
I am sorry for your loss. I can understand what you are going through and feeling right now.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I believe He brought this post to me today. It was exactly one year ago today that my husband and I received that same news. Just like you, I went in for my 12wk appointment and found out our baby girl had gone to Heaven.
I have been thinking about her all morning and happen to come across your post. Thank you for sharing this incredibly private and painful experience. There are so many other women out there who never talk about this .
Please know that our babies are in the Lord’s arms right now and are being loved more than we know.
Just like you, I have a wonderful husband and two little girls and the Lord, and they are the ones that helped me through that hard time. Try to lean into your family and know how blessed you are ….lots of hugs and kisses 🙂
One last thing, I know when something like this happens, people tend to just ask how the mother is doing; ask your husband how HE is doing. I don’t know about your husband, but mine is the strong silent type and just wanted to make sure I was OK even though he was hurting too. Pray for him as well that his heart mends as well as yours.
Thank you again for sharing your experience. Remember to take one day at a time. You will never forget this precious baby, but your heart will heal.
I am so, so sorry. I remember so vividly when the same thing happened to my mom with what would have been my sister at 4 months pregnant. I will never forget that day, and have so much heart felt compassion for your loss. I hope family and friends and the thought of your Mimi watching over your baby in heaven will bring you comfort during this sad time. Terribly sorry for your loss.
Julie, I pray that God is holding you in his arms right now and bringing you and your family peace. That little bundle is surrounded by God’s angels singing lullabies, wrapped in your grandmothers embrace.
Of course that doesn’t make it any easier for us left behind. Hang in there and give yourself permission to say “this is sad and terrible and this sucks”
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. Like so many others I too had an early miscarriage when I was trying so hard to get pregnant. Thank you so much for sharing, my prayers are with you.
I have no words. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby a few months ago (at our 10 week appointment, the baby had stopped developing around 6 weeks) and know that no words I can offer will help. I just wanted to reach out, send you a hug, and let you know you’re not alone.
You are incredibly brave and strong. My thoughts are with you and your family. I am deeply sorry for you loss and deeply moved by your honesty and genuineness.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. You all are in our thoughts and prayers.
Julie, I am so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Ryan and your entire family.
I am so sorry that you and Ryan have to experience this. It sucks that it is so common (I actually had a miscarriage this summer, too), but know that you are in my prayers.
My heart breaks for you and Ryan. I’m very sorry for your loss. May God comfort you during this difficult time. Sending lots of love and hugs your way.
Oh friend, I am so sorry you experienced this. I too had a miscarriage in September and it is just so hard. I can’t tell you how much my faith also helped through it all, and I was just positive my sweet Mamaw had my sweet baby in her arms. I will be praying for you. We just announced that we are pregnant again and I will always say this is baby #3. I also wrote a blog post after my miscarriage if you would like to read it. It does help to know you’re not alone.
I am so sorry Julie and family. I hope writing this brought you some peace.
I’m so sorry 🙁 You are right to focus on the Lord, lean on him and you will get thru. Praying.
Praying for you. We walked this road and it’s not fun, but God is good and will give you everything you need at just the right time. May I make a suggestion? When we lost our baby I had a necklace made with the number 4 on it (that baby is our 4th child). I wear it on the days I miss our baby more than normal. I like that I can touch it and think about the baby.
I am so very sorry to read this. Reaching out to you as a fellow mama who’s been through nearly this exact scenario, twice. Thank you for sharing, it’s a great reminder that we are not alone. Sending so much love to you and your husband as you go through the grieving process. I hold you both in my heart.
Much love, sister…
Julie – Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry about your loss, but sharing your story is so very important and brave. I know there are so many people that you are impacting positively with your story.
Julie,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard – especially hard when it is at 12 weeks, when you were probably excited about finally sharing the news with people) (and had already told people, that you were perhaps starting to show. Especially hard when you have seen it on an ultrasound. I lost my 2nd pregnancy at 13 weeks. I had seen it on a grainy ultrasound in the doctor’s office at 10 weeks. We went in for the nuchal test at 13 weeks. At 1st there was no indication anything was wrong and I didn’t even suspect when they asked me to go to the bathroom to get a better look and when we came back there were 10 doctors in the room. In our case the ultrasound showed issues but there was still a heartbeat. We decided to go back for more testing and when we went back 4 excrutiating days later, there was no heartbeat. At that point it was a blessing because we didn’t have to make any type of choices/decisions. Thankfully you were able to get in for the D&C so quickly. My 3 day wait was like walking on egg shells.
Don’t feel bad that other people have had multiple miscarriages (my mom had 6 – I don’t know how she did that, but they were all quite early, prior to 8 weeks), or some people can’t get pregnant, or other people have lost babies later in a pregnancy. This is very personal for you and you are allowed to feel however you want. And people will think “But you already have a baby” is supposed to make all the pain go away – It does help sometimes, but doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad.
One of the saddest things is that unfortunately your next pregnancy will not be the same. And that is what really sucks. I look at my almost 8 year old boy and am thankful he is here, but I didn’t feel joy when I first found out I was pregnant with him and I do think of the whole miscarriage ordeal every November. But he is worth the pain of the loss.
Big internet hug to you
Julie,
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for your family. Sending love! ❤️
Julie,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Hug your baby boy tight and know that we are all thinking of you and sending virtual hugs to you and your family during this difficult time.
Allison
I am so sorry for your loss! Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that Julie and Ryan fell your love and comfort during this difficult time. Please make Your presence known to them. draw them close to You and speak to there hurt. In Jesus name. amen!
I’m so sorry for your loss. The same thing happened to me, 2nd pregnancy as well…I felt like I had written your post. 4 months later I got pregnant with my son who is now 8 and the love of my life. God has a plan for you.
Julie – I regularly read your blog, but have never commented (on yours or any other blog I read). Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking story. While I have not experienced this type of loss, I know many who have. It’s devastating. Far too often people do not speak about these types of losses. I find it inspiring that you have.
Thank you for sharing this story. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. My heart hurts for you and Ryan. Sending you peace and love, and will keep you in my prayers xo
I’m so, so sorry. Wishing you and your family strength and comfort.
So sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for your family. Thank your for being so open and honest as it will help others to talk about their own miscarriages. Sending you lots of love.
Thank you for sharing this. I am so very sorry for your family’s loss.
I can completely understand and my heart breaks for you and Ryan. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Ever. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You will need calm. Much love.xxx
So very sorry for your loss. I also experienced a miscarriage with our second child (I thought I was 12 weeks but the baby stopped growing around 8.5). I also had a D&C and like you, was so surprised to hear how common it was. Just from those around me I told, 6 or 7 women also said they experienced a miscarriage as well. Who knew it was so common! Not many talk about it.
My doctor asked me to wait 2 months and then try again. They reassured me that I was so fortunate to have gotten pregnant at all (which does little to help when you’re in the moment, but is so very true). I got pregnant again 4 months later and have a little baby girl. The crazy thing is to think that if I had had that lost baby, I wouldn’t have my daughter and that is the craziest thing to imagine.
HUGS!!!
I’m so very sorry. Prayers for the two of you.
As a long time reader/never commenter, sending you so much love and strength. You have people you don’t even know praying for you! I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard this is for you and your family. Soak up Chase’s love and know that you will have another wonderful child in the future.
Julie, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve been a long-time follower of your blog, and seeing this news just broke my heart. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing. May God’s peace and love wrap you and your family tightly during this time, and know that you will see your little one again some day. Lots of prayers to you, Ryan and Chase.
Julie, so so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and Ryan.
Julie, I am so so so sorry for your loss. Your family is in our prayers.
I am so very sorry for your and Ryan’s loss, Julie. My heart goes out to you during this heartbreaking time. Sending my thoughts, prayers and hugs your way.
This is so brave of you to share. I have had 2 miscarriages and both times, had very similar feelings to yours. I believe that no matter how early on the miscarriage is, as soon as you learn that you are going to be a “mom,” the loss is immense. It is shocking how many women have experiences miscarriages, yes there is still such a stigma about talking about it. It is certainly private and personal thing to go through, but no one should ever feel ashamed about discussing the feelings that come with it. My one thought that has kept me moving forward in my pursuit towards motherhood is that I am actually PROUD of my body for knowing that something wasn’t right and that my tiny baby would be better off in heaven. I too feel for other moms that have any sort of pregnancy/child loss now more than ever. You have done a great thing in your baby’s honor of sharing your feelings and experiences on the platform you have created for yourself. Thank you!
These words could not be more true. My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage and the excitement you have when you first learn you are going to become a mom was shattered. I thought there was something wrong with me and then I realized that this is far too common. If I had known in those first few hours/days that so many other women had experienced the same thing, I might have taken more comfort in it. The loss will be with you forever and the fear of not hearing that pitter patter was with me at every ultrasound with my daughter who I conceived after my miscarriage.
Julie, thank you for sharing and my heart goes out to you.
Julie – Sorry you have to go through this. It just STRAIGHT UP SUCKS that this is often part of pregnancy. Sadly, I know this particular flavor of heartbreak from experience – I had the same “missed miscarriage” thing and also some other early losses (all considered normal). Now I have two amazing boys who I am grateful for every day. Seems like you have a great support system to help you through this, so lean on them and give Chase extra big hugs ;).
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I went through a very similar situation, all the way down to the D&C. There are no words to take away the sadness and pain, but I am so sorry for what you have to go through. Your little bean is in Heaven now, which I hope brings you some form of comfort. Take time for yourself. it will get a little easier as each day passes. You will cry a few less tears each day. It seems impossible now, but it will get a little better. You will never forget. It will never completely go away. But somehow, the pain and sadness become more tolerable.
When/if you do decide to try again, know that it will be scary. Know that the innocence of that easy, breezy pregnancy has gone away. You will worry so much more after a miscarriage. Every little weird movement or funny feeling might make you panic. But remember that there are LOTS of rainbow babies walking around this world. I am one. My son is one. There are millions. So every time you are scared, remind yourself that wonderful miracles do happen! When you are ready, take that risk again, because although the ride is scary, the miracle reward of another little baby is worth it. Sending you and Ryan BIG hugs!!