On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Julie. You, Ryan, and your family are in my prayers! May you find comfort in the peace of God.
Julie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been there before so I understand the heartbreak you are feeling right now. A MMC is so hard, you feel safe and comforted by the fact that you saw a heartbeat only for that security to be ripped from you a few weeks later. The one thing I wished someone would have warned me about is the crazy hormone drop that comes after the D&C. Your body goes from a very high hormone level bc you are at 12 weeks to zero in a very short amount of time. It really does a number on you and, for me, it took around 5 weeks to feel like myself again. Please give yourself as much grace as possible and know that you will feel back to normal and all the emotions you are going through are totally normal. Allow yourself to feel however you need to – angry, sad, heartbroken, frustrated. Hug little Chase a little tighter and lean on your loved ones. This too shall pass and you will be blessed again. Much love to you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage three years ago before I had my baby girl. I ended up having a natural miscarriage instead of the D&C, but that was just because the day we found out it happened on its own. It is tough and I won’t lie and say you’ll get over it. Let yourself grieve. Eventually, it will hurt less, but losing a pregnancy is still losing a loved one. A lot of people may say insensitive things that can be hurtful, but always remember it’s not your fault, you have every right to be hurt and sad.
Julie, my heart is broken for you and Ryan but I hope you are able to find peace in the strength of your family, friends, and a sisterhood of women who have gone through similar experiences. Take as much time as you need and know that your candor, bravery, and strength is admired and appreciated by those of us who love spending part of each day with you and your blog.
Thank you and you’re in my thoughts!
I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you for writing about this. Pregnancy loss is so common but when it happens, you feel so alone! I had an ectopic pregnancy, followed by a miscarriage a few years ago and spent so much time seeking comfort from other women- but also sought out the writing of people on the internet about their experiences, and found it helpful in coping with my loss. I am sure there are people out there who will take comfort in you sharing your experience, even though I know it must have been hard to write.
So so sorry to hear this Julie. Going through miscarriage, infertility, and infant/child loss is so gut wrenchingly hard and I think sharing and talking about it is one of the best things we can do. Having a sweet innocent toddler to be a ray of light helps too! Praying for you and your family! Xo.
I’m so sorry to hear this Julie! Take the time to grieve and be very gentle with yourself for awhile. You are not alone! My first pregnancy ended in a D&C, then I had a healthy baby girl. Unfortunately, my third pregnancy was terminated at 17 weeks (after we failed some prenatal tests/amnio) and receiving the devastating news that my baby had Trisomy 18 which is a lethal condition. Thank you for sharing this – as women we need to not be hush hush about this anymore as it’s so unfortunately very common. I’m sure our babies are safe in heaven watching over us. Much love to you and your family.
This breaks my heart to hear. Thank you so much for sharing it was extremely brave even though it was probably one of the hardest posts to write. I’m sure so many here can relate to what you went through. You and your family are in my thoughts
Oh, Julie, this is just heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers <3 <3 <3
I have been thinking about you all morning since I first read this post. Prayers for you and your family during this difficult time.
Dear sweet Julie, this is very sad news. I am a busy mom of 2 and don’t have much time to read blogs, but when I do I come to you. Your refreshing upbeat writing always makes me feel better. So in your time of need I can tell you that yes, this happens often, and yes it is most definitely not your fault, and yes you will heal. Miscarriage is a mysterious kind of loss that is so very hard to explain unless you’ve been through it. I had a few between my first and second. All I can say is that your heart finds peace eventually. Don’t be discouraged, keep trying to build your beautiful family. Big hugs to you and your family.
I am so incredibly sorry Julie! I can’t even imagine what you are going through and I pray that you continue to be surrounded with love and support as you navigate this grief. You are an incredibly strong and brave woman for sharing this with us and I appreciate your honesty so very much. Sending prayers and love to you!
Thanks for sharing this Julie. It’s these stories that truly support other women when they go through similar hard experiences. I wish you healing and love, and praying for your next pregnancy to turn out differently.
Julie,
I am so very sorry for your loss and will be praying for you and your family.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Julie. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I, unfortunately know what you are going through as it happened to me three times. My husband and I were blessed, though, with two very healthy babies after we went through all of that. I am thankful to you for sharing your experience, as I felt when I was going through my losses that I was alone in all of it. As a silver lining, now your child and future children will have a guardian angel watching over them at all times. I wish you peace, love and healing.
Oh Julie…..sending you so much love. I went through the exact scenario two years ago (I think it’s called a “missed miscarrage”?) Grieve however, and for as long, as you need.
Hi Julie,
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a child at any point is incredibly painful. Sending you lots of love and prayers for comfort.
Remember that He is the “lifter of your head”. (Psalm 3:3)
Julie my heart and condolences go out to you and Ryan. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for being so open and honest with all of your readers especially so soon after all that you are going through right now. I am sure this posts will help hundreds of readers today who are or have gone through this kind of devastating loss. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so very sorry.
Thank you for sharing your story. Many of us have gone through this and it creates a sisterhood of support. I know the pain you are feeling and it’s crushing. I pray for your little family. Hug your little boy tight. He will help you through this even though he is little. Keep your heart about it you and take care of yourself. You will get through this. I wish you peace and healing. I am so sorry to hear your news.
Julie, I am so so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you and praying for your family during this difficult time. Please take care of yourself, and I hope you find comfort knowing that your sweet little baby is in heaven.
I am at a loss for words. I am so unbelievably sorry and sending you love. You all will be in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry to hear this, but I am grateful that you had the courage to share. It will help many people to read your story.
I am so sorry for your and Ryan’s loss, Julie. I have tears streaming down my face after reading your story. Thank you for sharing. I hope you feel the love, support, and peace surrounding you that so many of us are praying for you today.
Oh my goodness, Julie, you have my heart and prayers riding with you. Take all the time that you need. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. You are so brave, and your post will help so many many many women feel like they’re not alone. Thank you for that, sweetie. Lots of love and warmth to you, and praying that you and Ryan and your family get whatever support you need, when you need it, and as you need it. <3 <3
I’m so sorry. It takes a great strength and grace to talk about something like this as you have. I truly hope you and Ryan feel no guilt over what happened.
I’m so sorry for yours and Ryan’s loss. You both will be in my thoughts.
I am so so sorry for your, Ryan’s and Chase’s loss. Sending prayers to all of you. I also have to commend your bravery and selflessness in sharing your story. Your words may bring comfort to the many women out there who experience a miscarriage and feel alone.
Julie,
There are no words that can make you feel better. I also had a miscarriage back in April. I was 10 1/2 weeks. It was the scariest thing to go through. The only words that helped me recover were from my Doctor. He told me this was a blessing. Which I can’t lie, shocked me at first. But then he explained that this was God’s way of protecting both my husband and I and our baby. Something was wrong and it’s God’s way of taking the baby before any physical suffering can happen. Although shocking, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I hope these words help you! And thank you for sharing your story. I know that at the time of my miscarriage I felt so alone. But after sharing with a few close family and friends, I was amazed at how many people were in my shoes at one time.
I hope you heal both physically and emotionally. My thoughts are with you and your family.
So so sorry to hear about this. As others have said, give yourself some grace right now. Although I am lucky that I have not experienced a miscarriage, I had HELLP syndrome with my son and he was born at 36 w, under 5 lbs. I didn’t have high blood pressure (the normal hallmark of HELLP) and to this day the doctors don’t know what caused it. In fact they seem to know very little about HELLP in general. I sometimes go down a rabbit hole of blaming myself for this… thinking that my anxiety medication could have been to blame, or maybe it was the one coffee a day I allowed myself. I know it’s irrational, but it can be so hard to NOT blame yourself. It is your body after all! I think it’s natural to feel that way. Hug Chase and Ryan tight and you will get through this!
My heart goes out to you and your family. Thinking of you all in this difficult time.
Julie,
My heart breaks for you and your husband. Know that you are not alone. You are right in that your child is with the Lord. I pray that His peace and love will surround you and your family. I pray that you and Ryan grow in your faith and draw closer to Christ through this hard time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll be praying for you and Ryan as you grieve.
I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers for peace and understanding go out for you and your family. My heart breaks for you.
My heart breaks for you and Ryan. Praying for you through this challenging time.
I am so sorry for your loss Julie. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. <3
Sending you so much love. I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. Take all of the time you need.
I went thru the same exact experience last month and found out the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks as well. I decided to not do surgery and miscarried at home. It does feel better to know I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing your story
I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
As a labor and delivery nurse, my heart truly breaks every time I hear about (or take care of) someone going through this <3 So many prayers for you and your sweet family
My heart breaks for you and Ryan. It must have been incredibly difficult for you to share this personal story, but I thank you for your courage. There are so many women who can take comfort in knowing they are not alone in these situations. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. <3
My thoughts are with you and your family at this most difficult time. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing this post and for saying “I am not ashamed.” What a powerful, important message for other women. I wish you and Ryan peace and rest during this time and beyond.
Love and healing thoughts going your family’s way. There is nothing like the loss of a child. <3<3<3
You are so brave to share this sad news. My heart goes out to you, Ryan and Chase. Hang in there and take all the time you need to heal.
I’m so sorry to read this news. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I’m so very sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing your heart. Hoping for healing for you and your family. Xoxo
I’m so sorry for your loss *hugs*
Long time reader and though we’ve never met, I’m sending so much love to you and your family and am so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Your family and faith and strength will get you through. Sending lots of prayers your way as you work to heal.
I know there is nothing that can be said that would make your grief any better, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts as you grieve this loss. Sending you much love and healing thoughts <3
this is such a brave and beautifully-written post. i’ve cried so many tears for you this week, and for friends who have experienced this… life can be so unfair sometimes. i wish i could take this pain away from you, and can’t imagine the heartbreak you’re experiencing. sending love and prayers to you all.