On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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You are absolutely right you are not alone! I had a miscarriage over Thanksgiving. We were devastated. You and your family will be in our prayers❤
I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you and your family.
My husband &I are in the process of adopting due to infertility…I can’t imagine the grief involved in losing a baby, but I can sympathize with the grief over what will never be. So sorry you’re going through this.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie! I’m glad you decided to share it w/ us so we can offer our condolences & pray for you guys. Sending much love & prayers for you both. XO
My thoughts and prayers are with you both <3
Oh, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Please take the time you need to heal and grieve. I’m shedding tears for you and your family. Thank you for sharing with us, you are so right, you should not be ashamed, nor should you feel ANY ounce of guilt. Sending many hugs and much love to you and your family and many prayers for peace for you all.
Hi Julie,
I have been reading your blog for years and feel compelled to comment today of all days. I am lying in bed at home recovering from the D&C I had just a few short hours ago at 8 weeks with my first baby. I pulled up your blog to see your usual Things I’m Loving Friday post and audibly gasped when I read the title of your post. I am so sorry for your loss and just want you to know that I am sharing your same pain at the moment. These pregnancies simply weren’t meant to be and we will both try again with a hope for better results. You are certainly not alone and I feel encouraged to know that today I’m not either.
many hugs and much love to you and your family. My heart is very heavy for you
I truly have no words except I’m sorry. I admire your bravery and will. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Julie,
Long-time blog reader & I’ve always admired your spirit and positivity. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Thank you for sharing your story (even though I am sure it was very painful to type) so that others who are experiencing or have experienced this can feel less alone. It takes a lot of strength to be so vulnerable and open.
I know this is a very trivial thing, but it might bring you a tiny bit of happiness – I saw an article online that Ben & Jerry’s is bringing back a new version of their retired Oatmeal Cookie flavor called Oat of this Swirled.
Sending prayers and comfort your way!
Julie,
I am so very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and Ryan during this time. I have followed your blog for years and always appreciate your openness and honesty regarding your life. I cannot imagine the grief and sadness you are going through but I know that God is with you to help you heal.
Thinking of you and your family, sending healing thoughts and light your way <3. Take all of the time you need, all of us out here in the world wide web will be fine.
Julie
I have been a reader for years. I am old enough to be your mother, I am 54. I too went through a miscarriage before going on to have two healthy boys. Surround yourself with your loving family. One day soon you will be able to smile and laugh again. Be kind to yourself at this terrible time. Find strength in God.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are so brave to share your story,
I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. I read your daily post every morning while I’m in bed waking up, and I feel a bit like I know you after all these years. The road to motherhood is long and scary, and I know you have your wonderful family with you as you begin to heal. I hope you can take comfort in your sweet, sunny Chase, and know there are a lot of people who have you in their thoughts today.
My heart cries with you Julie. I lost my beautiful gift of life around 8 weeks. It was my second pregnancy. I have since had one more pregnancy. I have 2 boys. My miscarriage came in between them. I grieved for 30 days straight until I got pregnant again. Maybe our sweet babies are playing together in heaven. I have a feeling mine was the daughter I never had. Doesn’t really matter though. A baby is a baby and a loss is a loss. Hugs. God bless, comfort and give you His peace.
thank you for sharing, your story may be exactly what someone needs- prayers for your family
As I read your post title knew where it was heading and already had tears in my eyes. As I read the post all I could think this is what I could have written 21 years ago right down to the time line. My heart is with you and your family. During the his time of sadness I will share that 52 weeks after my D&C we welcomed a healthy baby boy. I never forget but know God had other plans for the baby.
Many prayers for you and your family. May God hold you tightly and help you to heal.
First I want to say I am so sorry for your loss, nothing can truly express how hard it is. And secondly thank you so much for writing this! I’m one of those people who’ve experienced multiple miscarriages and every time someone shares their story it feels like I can grieve once again and as odd as it may sound that ends up feeling good, so thank you!
I recently read about this Japanese tradition and it really resonated with me: http://www.npr.org/2015/08/15/429761386/adopting-a-buddhist-ritual-to-mourn-miscarriage-abortion
Thought you might like it!
Wishing you well.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
So beautifully put. I lost my first baby at 6 weeks. After an intensive grieving process, my husband and I welcomed a beautiful baby boy less than a year later. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and the strength it takes to be so open about something so personal.
Hi Julie, I’m very sorry to hear this. Thank you thank you for sharing!! You are so right that women and men often suffer in silence because there is such a stigma around miscarriage for some reason. It’s important to start the conversation. This type of loss affects many people and though we would never wish it on anyone, it’s nice to know we’re not alone. We lost our first almost two years ago at 8 weeks after seeing a heartbeat. After many months of trying again, I had to have uterine surgery a year ago. Then we got pregnant with our sweet baby boy who was stillborn when I was 24 weeks pregnant in August. Just had another uterine surgery and will hopefully be able try again in May or June. Needless to say, I feel your pain and understand I ho0e that your journey has a happy ending 🙂
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It’s hard to say the right things during such a heartbreaking time, but please know you’re not alone. May the love of family, friends, and faith help you through this difficult time. Thinking of you!
Julie…I am so sorry to hear this. Indeed you are not alone. I had two miscarriages before having our first child and it’s a long grieving process. My heart hurts for you. May God comfort you and help you heal.
Hi Julie, I have followed your blog for years and wanted to say thank you so much for posting this. I have had two miscarriages also at 12-13wks and was told our babies didn’t grow past 10wks. All of my friends have had their first children and some are working on their seconds and here my husband and I sit, childless. I can tell you the “immense depth of sadness” does wane with time, but also don’t be surprised when it suddenly bubbles back up in a couple months, or even years. Thank you for sharing your story. You have such a large audience and you never know who needs to hear these words. It will help so many women feel less alone. Lean on your hubby and surround yourself with people, things, and activities you love. It does get easier with time.
All my support,
Camille, Sterling VA
Julie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the pain all too well. In fact just today before even reading your story, my mind flashed back to one of my losses (I’ve had several), and so came back every emotion too. A pregnancy loss is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. My hearts that your heart is feeling that same hurt. 2 weeks after a loss I had last year, I came upon this poem in my newsfeed. I read it often.
As I Sit In Heaven
As I sit in Heaven
And watch you everyday
I try to let know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you’re laughing
And I watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you when you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So you know you are not alone
Don’t feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied to me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you wait and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself ,be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You’ll be taking one for me
Please also remember that this is not your fault. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time frame. Cry when you need to cry. It’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to feel happy. It’s okay to skip a baby shower because you are not up to it. It’s okay to avoid situations that may hurt a little. It’s okay to make yourself a priority in dealing with your loss. Whatever you feel, is okay to feel. Even the anger. You are in my prayers.
Julie,
I am so sorry for you loos. I too lost a baby at 9 weeks and choose to have a d&c. It was the first time I had ever been away from my 2 year old daughter and I remember thinking that I had done something wrong? I understand not that everything happens for a reason. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and worry everyday about the sweet little baby in my tummy. I wish you peace and healing at this time!
You are not alone, I had 2 miscarriages a few years ago and it felt like I would never get out of the funk I was in from being so sad. Keep looking at your beautiful baby boy to help you get through. I can promise you this/ it WILL get better. Stay strong ❤
My heart goes out to you, Julie. My husband and I lost our baby around 11 weeks with our first pregnancy and it was one of the saddest times of my life. The good news is that it will get better with time and you have a happy future ahead. 🙂 I still remember the doctor telling us we will have better times ahead in that office, and it was so true – I’m due with a little boy any day now!!! You will get through this and look back and it will become a memory – one that will make you even more grateful for Chase and his little sister or brother in the future! 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing – I think it’s so important that people talk about miscarriages because it helps so much to know you’re not alone and hear stories of future happiness! Sending you a hug and praying for you!
Congratulations and many blessings to your new som.
The only thing to say is I’m sorry.. and this totally sucks.
I shared the story of my first miscarriage on my blog. It somehow helped me to read other peoples stories so perhaps it may help you. I hate that so many of us have to go through this pain.
http://takethedayoff.net/2016/03/monday-mourning/
The best advice I got while I grieved was to “be gentle with yourself.” More on that here and some ways to put that into practice: http://takethedayoff.net/2016/03/wise-words/
We have to talk about these things as women to make these things OK to talk about. Prayers for you!
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss Julie.
Hugs, love, prayers and strength to and your family. It took bravery to share your experience and I am grateful.
Oh Julie. My heart breaks for you and Ryan and Chase. I’ve never commented on your blog before but I am crying for you all right now. I experienced an early miscarriage (at 5 weeks) a few weeks ago, it was my first pregnancy which was very much wanted and anticipated. I’m so sorry to hear you are in this club but just wanted to say that you are not alone. I feel like I have lived a hundred years in the past 2 and a half weeks. All I will say now is to let yourself feel all of the feelings – your feelings, whatever they may be, are valid, and healthy. I am just so, so, so sorry. Take care of yourself, in whatever way that looks like. xoxo.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way. <3
My heart goes out to you and your family. You are so amazing and brace for sharing. So much love
While reading your post the tears welled in my eyes. I am so sorry and I pray for peace for you and your family.
Julie I am so so sorry to read your news today. After years of struggling with infertility, my husband and I finally got pregnant-only to lose our first baby. I suffered in silence amd still to this day, only family and close friends know what happened and that our 2 year old is a rainbow baby. I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant and miscarriage is on my mind-i can’t help but worry a bit given our past.
So thank you for being brave and sharing your miscarriage experience-for being that voice for so many of us. And know that you are not alone in your experience, thoughts, and feelings. I pray that you can find peace and comfort. I’ll keep you in my prayers!
Julie, even though we have never met, I have followed your blog and journey for years. My heart aches for your family. But, I know you have so many friends and family that will gather by your families side and help you grieve and heal. Look at your sweet sunshine everyday and know your little angel is in your grandmothers arms.
Stay strong
I’m very sorry for your loss, Julie. Sending love and prayers to you and Ryan.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.
I rarely comment but just had to say that you (Ryan and Chase too) are in my thoughts and prayers. Take the time to embrace the love of your family. Hugs.
I’ll keep you in my prayers, Julie! I’ve had many friends who have given names to their babies that they lost in a miscarriage and it has been helpful in healing and knowing they have a little soul praying for them from heaven 🙂
My heart breaks for your family at this time, but am so grateful to you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I hope that time heals your pain.
Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, suffered a miscarriage at this same time 2 years ago and at the same stage. It was painful (and still is) and I blamed myself for a long time – did I work too hard? Did I do something too strenuous? I know you are hurting and likely don’t need any advice, but please be kind to yourself as you grieve. I wish I had. With time, the pain eases, but the heart doesn’t forget. I have always admired you and your spirit, and I am thinking of you during this time.
My heart goes out for you Julie! I am so sorry for your families loss. Thank you for being so brave to share your story with us.
I’m new to your blog and so very sorry for your loss. I’ve never experienced miscarriage, but have many friends who have. Lean on God and find comfort in Him. He knows your pain. Blessings!!
So sorry to hear of your loss. Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers <3
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know the emotional pain that comes from miscarriage. It is heartbreaking and the grief is hard to bear. Take all the time you need to heal. Big hugs to You and your family<3