I rolled up a cheeseless wrap that included Italian sausage and sliced pears, figuring it wouldn’t taste so great.
Where's the Cheese?
Fortunately I was wrong! Even without melted cheese, this wrap was pretty darn good!
I enjoyed it alongside beets, fresh strawberries and a cup of 2 percent Chobani Greek yogurt that I sweetened with a packet of Stevia.
The Whole Shebang
And now buckle up, my friends, because we’ve got a lot to talk about! 😀
Moving in Together for the First Time
I recently received an email from a blog reader with a request to write a post about living with your significant other for the first time.
Ryan and I dated throughout college and lived separately the entire time. After I graduated in 2007, we had our own places for a year (though Ryan was always at my apartment and even had his own closet) and didn’t officially move in together until the spring of 2008, after more than four years of dating.
Just a Couple of College Kids!
To be completely honest, I never thought I would live with a boy until after we were married. I always joke with Ryan and tell him that he “dooped” me into living with him by looking at apartments that I couldn’t afford on my own. 😉
Our First Apartment
Though we both knew we were each other’s future and even had a dog together, I was nervous about officially living together since were weren’t married and living together can really complicate things.
Still, I had a good feeling about living with Ryan since we practically lived together for a year before we officially moved in together. Of course I knew I wanted to marry him, but he was also easy to get along with, not too messy and really valued communication, which I knew would be even more important once we bunked up together.
From a logistical standpoint, moving in together required us to consolidate our stuff and merge two separate apartments into one. We selected the better version of the duplicate furniture we both owned and separately purchased additional furniture like a coffee table, couch and new bed to avoid any confusion “just in case.” Though we obviously knew marriage was in the cards for us, I didn’t want to be presumptuous and buy things together, which may sound crazy, but I’m a little looney and it helped me still feel slightly independent and not worry about “custody battles” over furniture should the worst happen.
Our First Bed
Once we moved in together, I honestly didn’t feel like too much changed, which I think is a very good thing. Life felt easier and more natural (and fun!) once we were living together.
Looking back on the first year or two that we lived together, things trucked along pretty smoothly and we had a great time and genuinely enjoyed being both boyfriend and girlfriend and roommates.
Of course not everything was perfect and we did have some hiccups. My main tips for couples who want to move in together for the first time include:
- Remain a couple and don’t turn into just “roommates.” This was a big one for us. I remember breaking down on a walk with Ryan because we definitely fell into the trap of becoming simply roommates. Sure we were still affectionate and loved each other, but we fell into a routine and were constantly running errands for the apartment and doing things that seemed more like chores rather than spending quality time together or enjoying date-like activities. Once we recognized this pattern and talked about it, I can honestly say things changed completely. We planned dates, worked as a team and didn’t just cohabitate. I got my boyfriend back! 😀
Date Night
- Talk about your pet peeves. Ryan has every other Friday off of work and I would get really annoyed when I would return home from a day at the office to find that the dishes weren’t done. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t do the dishes when he clearly had the time. I let this bother me week after week until eventually I got really snappy with him and totally overreacted. (Think crying on the kitchen floor. I’m a treat.) Ryan said he honestly had no idea that not touching the pile of unwashed dishes bothered me that much and he was more than willing to do dishes. He told me that if I would have simply asked him to do the dishes he would’ve been more than happy to do them. I explained that I felt like I was nagging when I ask him to do certain chores, but he said he didn’t see it that way at all. Now I make sure to come right out and tell him about the little things that bother me, just like he tells me what I do that annoys him (like being a total Swamp Beast).
- Discuss finances. When you live with your significant other, who pays for what can become a gray area since you’re likely making meals together, buying odds and ends for the apartment, purchasing furniture, etc. Talk about how you will handle paying for certain things. Ryan and I paid for our own groceries separately up until we were married (we split the cost of veggies and meats that we used for our dinners). This worked for us, but might not be the answer for you. Just make sure that you and you partner are on the same page with your finances and both feel comfortable with your financial plan.
- Make sure you have alone time if you want it. I really need my alone time. I love being around my friends and Ryan, but I am someone who really needs time by myself. This can be time spent at the grocery store, running, walking Sadie, shopping, blogging or simply reading a book. Ryan, on the other hand, is fine with being together and talking all the time. Once we moved in together, I found that I had to explain to him that sometimes I like being by myself. I explained that this has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for him. I’m the same way with my friends and family. Sometimes I need time just for me. You or your partner may be the same way, and discussing this with your partner in a way that lets them know that you love them and care for them can help them not take things personally if you say you want to be by yourself for a bit.
- Maintain your own hobbies and interests. Just because you live together doesn’t mean you become one person. When Ryan and I moved in together, we made sure to maintain our friendships and favorite activities, even if they were separate. Ryan is still very active in his men’s soccer league while I keep up with my blogging even though these activities may take time away from each other. They’re very important to both of us and we respect and support each other’s interests.
And now for advice from you guys (via Twitter):
- Don’t feel like you need to buy all new stuff to make it “our place.” (Marie)
- Make sure to set your expectations BEFORE moving in together. Set house rules. It sounds silly but it will help in the long run. (@Emmazi)
- Pick your battles (Nancy) and have “buttloads of patience.” (Natalie)
- Definitely be on the same page about finances… who will pay what and how you are going to split it! (Maria) (Jenny recommends getting a joint bank account so you don’t have to keep track of everything.)
- Don’t judge! We all have crazy things we do at home, so don’t be quick to snap at something you don’t like! (Amanda)
- Don’t go to bed angry. Give and take. Some things are too insignificant to fight about. (Caroline)
Thanks for weighing in! 😀
Question of the Afternoon
- Have you ever lived with a significant other?
- What advice do you have for couples who are thinking about moving in together?
P.S. The Fashion page was updated!
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thanks for the shout out! we have totally joint finances now but I think that works best for all non-married couples and even some married. I also didn’t think i would live with a guy before getting engaged at least but 6 months into our courtship I moved in with him. And then another 6 months later I proposed! whirlwind..sigh
Great post! 🙂
My husband and I moved in together after we got married. We went from fraternity & sorority living to living together – it was a change but also so fun!
That sounds so fun! Thats how my fiance andI will be once we graduate in May – we are getting married in June, so we will live together after that! I am so excited for my whole new life! Plus I am conservative, so I definitely would never live with someone before we got married.
I loved this post Julie! I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, and we are getting to the point where moving in together is definitely one of our options. I have always wanted to get married before moving in, so it’s definitely a big decision for me since we’re just not quite ready for marriage yet. I wrestle with ‘well we’re going to get married anyway so why not move in’ and ‘I want to save that part of our relationship for marriage’.
We semi-lived together during study abroad, and you’re totally right, it just felt natural and was so much fun! I definitely can’t wait for that part of my life 🙂
Thanks for your tips!
That is such a great list!
My husband and I only lived together officially for a few months before we got married so I’m no expert. One thing we did was that he paid certain bills and I paid certain things (aka groceries). Assigning things instead of dividing them worked out really well for us.
oo this is a post FULL of great tips!! i definitely dont live with a sig other at the moment… lets get a boyfriend first, Carrie!!
hopefully in the future i will have to re-read this post tee hee!
Great post! I think it’s important to realize that at first, as you adjust to sharing your living space with another person, you WILL have petty little arguments and things that your significant other does will drive you nuts for a little while. That’s okay. Take a step back, realize you are going through a major life change, and move on!
I’ve never really lived with a boyfriend, there were some short-lived experiences but nothing long-term.
I’m like you though and NEED lots of alone time. It’s one of the main reasons I’m terrified of being in a relationship. It’s good to know that it’s possible to maintain that even when you’re married though. Great post!
i think it’s totally possible to balance “alone” time in a relationship. it was hard for ryan to understand that my desire to be by myself had NOTHING to do with my feelings for him. once he realized that though, it was much easier.
My boyfriend and I moved in together in July 2009 after 3+ years of dating, and it was really challenging at first. It took us a few months to find our routine and get used to sharing (very small amounts of) space. During the first few rocky months of living together, we made sure to COMMUNICATE even more than we already do. We were vocal about pet peeves and what was working and what wasn’t. We spoke up–and still speak up–when we needed alone time and together time. After a few months, things started to feel much more normal and comfortable, and now I can honestly say that living together is the most fun, amazing experience we’ve ever shared. Communication and honesty have been key in making it work for us. Thanks for this great post! 🙂
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years and living together for just over 3. I never had to share a room before (not even in college!) but I love living with him and have more fun than ever! I think respecting each other has been the most important thing for us. I love the idea of planning a date night every month- during the winter up here in freezing New England it can be hard to find motivation to leave the couch!
Great post! I agree with not just becoming ‘roomates’…it’s important to keep the relationship alive and special.
Love the tip!
All very good advice!
I agree the most with the “avoid becoming roommates” one and to plan date nights. This has been key in my marriage with my husband.
Also, two other things, if you can afford a second bedroom, go for it — having the additional space is great for sanity. And two, have two floors. It also helps with noise, space, etc.
YES YES YES to the second bedroom.
I moved in with my fiance l14 months ago and we are finally getting married in 4 weeks! I think staying a couple and not just roomates is very difficult to balance, but once you find that balance it is perfect!
my main piece of advice is to talk things through and not bottle them up, which can lead to fights and feeling generally annoying by your significant other. Communication is most important!
Love, love, love this post! My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years and have practically lived together at my place for a year and a half. He still has an apartment but most of his things are here and we have been discussing when we would be ready to make it “our place.” He is graduating from college this year, but I am in a 6 year program so I still have 2 more years. We have decided to shelve it till next winter and see if then is the right time or after we graduate. I think everything you said is so true, but it is kind of strange to still be in the “limbo” period where we wouldn’t normally not hang out when we are both less than a block away (he lives right down the street), but we still are wasting money on a separate place that is rarely used. Definitely a gray area in a relationship, but I know everything works out in time. 🙂
Great post!
I have been dating my fiance for about four years now and I thought that I would move in once we got engaged…now I think I am going to wait till marriage! I am over his place most weekends anyway so it is sort of like “living” together, but all my friends who waited to move in till after marriage said that the first year was fabulous and fun and totally living the newlywed dream, and all my friends who lived together before they were married said they felt like nothing changed. I would hate to marry the love of my life and feel like nothing has changed!
Great post! Lots of good tips!
I’ll be honest – me and my man moved in WAY too fast. We got seriously really quickly – like, after the first time we spent the night together, we didn’t spend the night APART ever again! I mean, EVER! So it seemed silly to be paying rent in two places and we moved in officially after six months. We’ve been together a year and a half and we’ve had our struggles for sure – we came very close to living apart and staying together just to see if it improved things but we decided it was giving in. I’m so glad we decided to stick it out – we are busy people, and love our time together when we get it. We both travel a lot so we both get breaks from each other. I think we both know we’re going to get married so it seems like this was the best path for us – or, it was … our path, good or bad. I don’t recommend it for everyone – fortunately we both are strong, stubborn personalities who decided to insist on a life together, and we have really made it work and love each other so much.
My advice: wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
My other advice: Do little things for each other around the house apart from cleaning up. Hide notes in a place you know they’ll see it. Change your screensaver to read “I love you baby” one day. Make your moments at home as special as going out on a date. And only cook together if you can do it without killing each other! 🙂
Great comment!
That was a seriously great post! I am currently living in sin with my lover, and have been for about 4 years, and definitely agree with all your tips.
My number one piece of advice is, if you see something that needs to be done (ex-dishwasher needs to be unloaded), just DO IT. When you leave it, who are you leaving it for? Your lovah. We both try to do this and it helps the other out and also minimizes annoying housework because you tackle what needs to be done right away.
My #2 would be pick your battles (which has already been said). If I nagged my bf about every little thing that bothered me…well…it would be bad news. But sure, I’ll nag every once in a while if something is REALLY bothering me 😉
I like the not becoming just roommates advice too! And maintaining your own hobbies and interests.
Great tips! I totally sympathize with the whole not turning into roommates thing. That happened to me and we definitely didn’t do enough to stop it from happening.
However, before you get to that point, I say consider the reasons you are ACTUALLY moving in together. In big cities like NYC, rent can be expensive. It is certainly tempting to fall into the trap of moving in together to save money….so advice to those that are contemplating this is just make sure that’s not the case for you before you take the plunge 🙂
I would be very hesitant about a joint account unless you did what Meals and Miles did with her bf. They created a joint account for things like food, utilities and rent. Everything else is separate. The last thing you would ever want to do is break up and someone else has control over your finances!
AMEN. I agree 100% and was STUBBORN about keeping our money VERY separate until after we were married.
Really great post–glad you found what worked best for you both!
This is such a great post! My fiance and I have been together for almost 5 and a half years. We have been living together for almost 2 years. At the beginning it took a while for us to get adjusted to living together and to make a routine. After we figured all of those things out, it’s been wonderful. 🙂 The most important thing is to communicate and make sure that you are both on the same page 🙂
I think the “some things are too insignificant to fight about” part is good advice for everything! My current roommate is a huge jerk and sometimes I just take the high road even when I feel she is just being a bully because, in the long run, I’d rather not waste my time and energy on negative stuff and focus more on living my happy life. You’re definitely right, you gotta pick your battles, because some stuff is just not worth it! Great post, Julie — thanks for taking the time to share such a personal topic!
Keith and I were in a long distance relationship for a year (he was in Dallas about 3 hours north of Austin, TX) so once we were engaged and he was moving to Austin it felt silly for him to get his own apartment. So he moved into my apartment and when the lease was up (3 months later) we got our own place. Then we were married about 6 months later. It worked for us and it made married life easier to transition into since we had always had a long distance relationship. Living together is always a challenege at first because you both brings different things (ideas, lifestyles, viewpoints) to the table and you have to work to mesh those things together. But just like marriage the best things in life take effort and work. It doesn’t mean it isn’t glamorous it just means that sometimes you have to work for the things that mean the most to you. Good post Julie!!
Good ideas- my husband and I moved in together after we were married, but some of these tips and ideas still apply!
Your first apartment was SO tidy!!!! I haven’t lived with a significant other in the past, but these are great tips. Thanks Julie!
I love this post. I think making sure you communicate well prior to living together is key. I also think it’s important to not fall into the routine of being “roommates”. It may take some effort but keep the romance alive for as long as possible. Especially before you have kids.
My husband and I lived together for almost a year before we got engaged and actually moved into our house 7-8 months before we got married. The biggest thing I realized after the fact was how important it is to know what the other expects. He happened to get laid off for about 3 months shortly after we moved in and he didn’t realize how much it upset me that he’d have friends over while I was working all day or we’d plan dinner and then I’d come home to nothing being cooked. And he quickly realized that as we settled into our “grownup” lives and real jobs I didn’t like staying up as late or spending every night with our friends like I did in college. Discussing the realities of what will change is really important and once we smoothed those bumps, we fell right into place.
Well, I’m finally going to comment. I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks and love to read it! (I emailed you a while ago too!)
My husband and I dated for nearly 5 years, including all through college, before we got engaged. We were always together and at each others places. It wasn’t until after we got engaged that we moved in together. We probably would have done it sooner if it wasn’t for his conservative mom (who I love!). Moving in together didn’t change things for us at all. We actually combined our bank accounts right after we were engaged to make things easier.
The only advice I have is don’t lose your identity and your own interests. There were times when I didn’t do something with friends because I thought I was supposed to be home with my fiance’ or husband. Now, we have our own interests and do our own thing, while still making time for each other! Moving in together made the transition to married life EASY EASY. There really wasn’t any big changes and we didn’t have the stress of being newlyweds and having to combine things.
those are really good tips. I think one huge thing about living with someone else is that you learn things about yourself and it can change you for the better. When my boyfriend and I moved in together I became aware of my personal flaws and it has helped me to grow. By the way your first apartment was adorable.
I love this post and can definitely relate!
I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over three years now. We met in college 4.5 years ago and pretty much have been living together except for sleeping.
Since we were so inseparable, we decided to move in together after college about 9 months ago and it was the best decision we ever made.
I agree about needing “alone time”. My BF loves watching ESPN at night and sometimes I would prefer to have an hour or two of peace and quiet and curl up with a book in the bedroom. He is definitely one of those who could spend every minute with me, so didn’t understand why I needed “me” time. We’re still working on it, but I think he is starting to come around, even though he will constantly come in and pounce on the bed wanting to cuddle (like Sadie in human form?) 🙂
Great tips! Yes, moving in together is exciting and a big step in a relationship, but I agree that you should tread carefully and do it only when you feel ready, not because it’s what you’re “supposed to do”. My husband and I lived together for almost 3 years before we were married and we learned sooo much about eachother, but it was hard at times. Having a separate space is what works best for us so we can relax and not be in eachother’s faces 24/7 🙂
Awesome post Julie! I just moved in with my boyfriend the end of October, and I think your suggestions are great! I’ve felt the “roommate” rut happening, and you have to push through it. I’ve adapted your “date night” philosophy.
Anyone that’s thinking about making this move: be sure you are both on the same level. Know that you want the same things out of life, and treat living together as a way to see if that can happen!
My fiance’ and I dated for almost 4 years before we moved in together. We had dated long distance so when we moved in together it was a big adjustment for us both, we went from seeing each other every other weekend to seeing each other all.the.time.
The hardest thing for me to adjust was balancing my time, I was used to spending all my time with him when we were together (since it was rare) that it took me several months to get used to the idea that we didn’t have to do everything together anymore, that he would still be there when I got home from the grocery store, and then I got some of my me time back also.
We also have kept our finances completely separate, and will probably contine that way until after our wedding this fall. He is meticulous about finances and I just kind of loosely follow a budget, so we found it best to let him pay for all the bills so he could track it and I write him a check every month for half, it is SUPER easy for me because I don’t have to track anything 😉 and it keeps him happy because he can track it. We alternate who pays for groceries every other week and the same thing when we go out to eat randomly- but everyone works differently.
Great idea to post about this Julie! I wish it had been out there when we had first moved in together!
This is a great post, I definitely relate to a lot of what you said. When I moved in with my bf, I did the same thing as you – made us purchase stuff separately (“you buy the TV and I’ll buy the coffee table”) just in case we broke up. I think my bf thought I was slightly crazy but he was a good sport about it and didn’t take it personally that I was preparing for the worst.
My biggest piece of advice – tell your partner when they are doing something annoying but DON’T do it when you are HUNGRY. haha. Hungry me = snippy me.
Haha that is SO true for me, too. Once I was just being a b*** to my husband as we were walking together toward an errand. When we got to the counter, there was a tray of Jolly Ranchers. I ate one and immediately was in a better mood- I hadn’t realized my blood sugar was so low. I immediately apologized, and now whenever I appear to be cranky for no reason, my husband asks, “Is this serious, or can I get you a Jolly Rancher?” 🙂
hahaha this made me laugh out loud.
haaahaha, I have this same problem. Re: hangry. I carry “emergency” snacks everywhere!
Great post, Julie! Very useful for people considering moving in with a signficant other.
I planned to never live with a significant other before marriage, but I ended up moving in with my now-hubby after being engaged 6 months (and dating for over 6 years). It happened sort of naturally, because we were living about 45 minutes apart and we’d alternate staying at his place one week, my place the next, and so on. Since he owned a home and I was renting, it eventually just made financial sense for me to move in. It worked well for us, but my default position is still to wait until marriage (or at least engagement) to live together.
I have two pieces of cohabitation advice:
1. Do not combine finances before marriage for any reason. While it might sem like a good idea to pool money together once you’re cohabitating, you’re really setting yourself up for something ugly if things go sour. (And of course, no one ever “expects” that things won’t work out, no matter how much you trust your partner. It can happen to anyone.)
2. If you know you want to marry this person at some point, come to an agreement that marriage will, in fact, happen, and maybe even talk about a timeline. It’s easy to become comfortable with the status quo, and while you might be hoping to get married, your partner may lose his/her incentive to push the relationship to the next level if you’re already living together with no set plan to marry. Seen this one multiple times firsthand with friends and family members, the most extreme being TWENTY years before my family member’s live-in boyfriend was ready to propose!
i think everyone should read this comment!!! GREAT advice.
Great advice! My husband and I didn’t officially live together until we were married but we practically lived together for over a year. We didn’t pool any money or have any sort of system before we were married. He paid for his place and I paid for mine. I usually bought all the groceries but he would take me out for dinner. We were certain that we were going to get married and join our bank accounts so we didn’t care too much for the short term.
Agreed about the alone time. I usually get home from work 1-2 hours before my husband and I love that time. I mainly use it to watch trashy tv shows he refuses to watch with me.
One problem that we had when we first moved in was that he is very lazy about chores. He solved part of the problem by hiring a cleaning lady but there is still the day to day and I had to keep nagging him. So we actually made a few things his responsibility and I found it works really well for us. So no matter what, he does the dishes, shovels the snow, does the yardwork and a few other things and I don’t have to nag him to pitch in around the house. That might not work for everyone but it works great for us.
For my boyfriend and I, it worked to come to an understanding on “chores.” I do most of the cooking, so he does the dishes. I unload the dishwasher, he takes out the trash. It makes things more managable around the apartment and having a set understanding about the roles helps us avoid fights. 🙂
Great post Julie! Even as a living together veteran, it’s always good to have a little refresher and learn some new tips to make the experience even better!
Great post! My boyfriend and I will have been dating for 4 dates when we graduate and have discussed moving in together at that point. It makes sense for both of us and we’ve talked about marriage so I’m not too nervous. My main hesitations are that I don’t want my “home” to become the video game playing spot for all the guys. Obviously, I don’t mind friends over, but I think it’d be a huge adjustment for my boyfriend to go from living with 4 guys for the past 5 years to just me, so waiting until the college scene is over is definitely a must.
You mean 4 years, not dates? 4 dates and seriously discussing about moving in togehter would be interesting 😀
Great post Julie!! I definitely agree with all of what you said…it’s hard not to fall into the “roommate slump”–that’s definitely something I’m trying to work through right now actually!
Julie how did your parents react to you and ryan officially living together?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now, I’m only 21, so finishing school needs to happen before I can plan a wedding..
My family is SUPER conservative. Moving in before marriage would kill not only my parents but my grandparents as well.
I need to make them understand that I’m not ready for a husband right now, but I am ready for a roommate that I know has my best interest in mind and I can trust with my life.
Did u have struggles with family when it came to this topic?
ryan’s parents were totally okay with it (they’re really laid back) and we slooooowly introduced the idea to my parents by first considering getting a house w/ the two of us, plus another friend. they were okay with that but eventually the plans changed and it was JUST the two of us. they supported me and wanted to make sure i thought through everything before making a decision. my dad also wanted to be sure we had TWO bedrooms. 🙂
I can relate, Alexa. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years, I’m 22 years old, and both of our parents would see it as a slap in the face if we did so much as go on vacation together (by ourselves). Obviously living together is not an option. My mom said that she appreciated living with my dad much more since they both lived at home until they were married, to save money. Sometimes it’s hard to see their point of view, but I don’t want to disappoint them either.
honestly, i think it’s smart to respect your parents’ wishes. they ARE your parents and had my parents (or ryan’s parents) been very adamant about us not living together, i really don’t think we would have. i value my relationship w/ our parents and wouldn’t want our living situation to cause a rift.
Oh, dads… My dad has rules for me and my sister when we start considering marriage.
1) Live together before marriage = Dad doesn’t pay for the wedding.
2) Get pregnant before marriage = Dad doesn’t pay for the wedding.
3) Get married before finishing college = Dad doesn’t pay for the wedding.
4) Get married more than 100 miles from home = Dad doesn’t pay for the wedding. (This one isn’t as serious, I don’t think. :P)
Personally, I think living together before marriage sucks all the fun out of marriage. I look forward to learning things about whoever my future husband is before and after we get married, but I want to make some of those “living together” discoveries AFTER the wedding.
If you’re really serious about getting married and it (finances, habits, whatever) is that important of a question, that big of a pet peeve, that big of an issue… talk about it BEFORE you get married.
I like how one person put it on Meghann’s blog post, that if it’s serious enough to move in together, it should be serious enough to get married. If you’re not ready to get married, don’t live together.
Plus most of the research I’ve read says it’s… risky… to live together before marriage. So.
Alexa, there are definitely multiple things to consider here. Since you’re bringing parents and grandparents into the equation, there’s not just the couple’s feelings to consider, which is tricky.
I, unlike other commenters, decided to move in with my boyfriend despite my parents’ conservative values. I’m very happy with the outcome of this decision, and proud that we made it ourselves. I’m pretty sure that I differ from the other people giving you advice because they sound like they have a closer relationship with their parents than I do with mine, but when it came time to make this decision, I knew that my opinion and my boyfriend’s opinion were the only ones that should really matter. The decision, when it comes down to it, belongs to the couple.
In your case, I would say that it all depends on these three things for you to think about:
What is your relationship with your parents?
If you were to move in with your boyfriend, is it something they would eventually get over?
Does it cost you something not to live with him? (What I mean by this is, does it bother you enough that you might go against their wishes anyway? Since you asked for advice, I’m guessing the answer is yes, but it’s still up to you to decide.) Don’t forget that you and your boyfriend are still the main people that this decision is for, and that the biggest changes will be for you to adjust to, not your family members.
In the end, I would personally put the couple’s wishes over the parent’s wishes, but it really depends on how much you value your relationship with your parents, because that determines how much their opinions effects your decisions.
Good luck!
thank you for all the advice you guys!! so helpful!
this is such a tricky, debateable subject!!
great post julie!
Great post!
My boyfriend and I are moving in together in the fall (but it is an apartment with two others and we will have separate bedrooms, etc). I am really looking forward to it, but I hope it doesn’t put a strain on our relationship- but we spend a lot of time together already and our relationship is pretty effortless- so I think it will be okay. Thanks for sharing your experiences!
Needless to say, my parents aren’t that thrilled.
Great post! My boyfriend and I have been together 2 1/2 years and living together for almost a year. We both lived with our exes, so we knew the right way to go about things this time around, since clearly (and thankfully) it didn’t work out for either of us before.
Shortly after we moved in together we got a joint account for shared expenses: rent, groceries, utilities, etc. The rest of our money is our money to pay our individual expenses (student loans!) and save as we see fit. Honestly, I think we’d probably stick to this even after we’re married, with the exception of starting a joint savings account to save for big things. I really like having my own money!
My biggest tip (which I tried to share on twitter but apparently you don’t follow me, you should! @lawgirl329) is definitely to pick your battles! Sometimes I need to take a step back and remind myself that if my boyfriend’s biggest fault is that he never, ever puts away the clean dishes, I’m a lucky girl!
loved the last sentence. i have to remind myself of that as well!
My fiance’ and I have both been raised in very traditional catholic families and won’t live together until we’re married (or maybe days before!). I am *so* excited for that part of getting married…. more than anything! Saying goodnight/goodbye to him is the hardest thing.
Cute!! You have something to look forward to. Love it!
I’m not Catholic, but there is some religious reasoning behind my not wanting to live with a significant other.
Hey, just out of curiousity what religious reasoning is there behind not moving in together? I’m very religious and lived with my husband before we were married. We had separate bedrooms and didn’t have sex until after marriage. While it wouldn’t work for everyone, I liked getting to see exactly what we were like living together before a full commitment like marriage.
Ummmm… temptation. Pre-marital sex. That kind of thing. Try 1 Corinthians 7 (and plenty of other verses), or just Google it. Googling got me to this site: http://erlc.com/article/cohabitation-confusion-what-does-the-bible-say/ and many others.
Also commitment. I read one article that mentioned commitment issues. I don’t remember which one it was, but … it was there somewhere. Like “playing house” and the “roommate” thing that was brought up.
Thanks for your response!
I personally didn’t experience any extra temptation just by living together versus dating. And cohabiting doesn’t equal premarital sex as my husband can certainly attest 😉
But thanks for sharing your perspective!
I am *so* excited for that part of getting married
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^ Something to look forward to. Love it! 😀
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now (living together for almost 2). When we first decided to move in, we agreed that my boyfriend would be moving into my current apartment, since his lease was up and mine still had 9 months left.
Since he was coming into a space that he was perceived as “mine”, I felt it was really important to give him the second bedroom as his own little man cave. We decorated it with all of his college sports memorabilia, put two leather chairs and a flat screen in there (very reminiscent of Joey and Chandler of Friends) and he was instantly a happy camper!
I think it’s so important for each person to have their own space and to make sure that you have slightly separate quarters to retreat to. Plus, two TVs/DVR boxes make it for a much less hostile environment! 🙂
Great Post and perfect timing! I’m moving in with my boyfriend in a couple months, we’ve basically lived together in his house this past year so i feel like not too much could change…but I am definitely saving your tips!
(ps I just found your blog and I love it!)
Great post and excellent advice! My fiance & I moved in together after only dating 3 months and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know our friends and family thought we were crazy. BUT here we are 4 years later happier than ever and getting married in July!!
We moved in after three months, too, got engaged six months later, and married a year after that. We’ve now been living together five years and married for almost three. When you know, you know!
aw, i love these kinds of happy endings!
Chores were a big thing for us, so before we moved into together we outlines our expectations about who was to do what and how often (this included washing the dishes!) Also’ along the the lines of not going to bed angry; we kiss each other good night, every night (even if we are irked)!
I think moving in together can definitely make or break a relationship. I had dated my previous boyfriend for 5 yrs (4 through college and one year long distance from Orlando-Indianapolis) before we decided to move in together.
Although we had grand plans for dividing up the living expenses and chores, not communicating well about these things was inevitably the end of us. I can’t stress how important discussing financial goals (where your ‘extra’ money after bills will be going) and other lifestyle choices is before moving in together.
It was so hard for me to realize that he still wanted to stay out w/ his friends at the bars until 3am (or overnight!) and make poor financial choices (beer and golf), rather than spending time w/ me (and our puppy) and saving for our future. It was a tough lesson to learn but I’m so thankful I found these things out BEFORE marriage rather than after. Even though I never planned to live w/ a partner before we were engaged, in this case I’m so glad I did!
“It was so hard for me to realize that he still wanted to stay out w/ his friends at the bars until 3am (or overnight!) and make poor financial choices (beer and golf), rather than spending time w/ me (and our puppy) and saving for our future. It was a tough lesson to learn but I’m so thankful I found these things out BEFORE marriage rather than after. ”
I had the EXACT epiphany about an ex I lived with for a couple months, too. Living with him hurt emotionally, but was a GREAT decision because it stopped me from marrying a loser.
I also love this post! My husband and I have been together for a relatively short amount of time compared to a lot of you guys, 2 years in January 2011. We moved in together “officially” 10 months after we started dating. He proposed 7 months later. We got married 6 months after that. 🙂 We had both been living alone before moving in together, and the transition was pretty easy.
I think for us, finances was definitely the number one thing we had to work out when moving in together. We always divided the bills proportionate to our income, kind of pain when we had separate accounts, but I was determined to not merge financially until we are married. I’m glad we waited but I LOVE having joint accounts – life is much simpler. I hate dealing with finances so my husband handles everything and I just check the account balance online before I go shopping. We also have a rather relaxed budget which helps us know where we’ll be before and after bills and other expenses.
We struggled some living in a very small space (600 sq feet, one bedroom apartment) but thankfully moved into a 3 bedroom rental house in September last year which also made life much better. Chores and cooking have always been easy for us to split, though you’re not the only one who had a kitchen floor meltdown, Julie. 🙂
My number one recommendation for couples taking this step is to make 100% sure marriage is in your future. Talk about it, a lot, and talk about your future together. Talk about having kids or whatever you want to know. My husband insisted on the proposal being a surprise but gave me a deadline when it would happen by (which ended up being waaaay after the actual proposal). Without knowing we would get married, I would not have let him move in so early. 🙂
My experience is a little different. I lived with a boyfriend after we were dating for a couple of years.
As a result of living together, we broke up. However, I felt that living together was the best thing that could have happened to us. It allowed me to see him as he really was, and that wasn’t something I wanted to be a part of.
Things happen for a reason and while it hurt at the time, I now feel that living together is a must-do before engagement/marriage.