Relationships: When to Move On

If I could describe today’s guest blogger in one word, it would be real. Lisa’s blog is one of my absolute favorites because of her honesty. Her blog touches on healthy living but most commonly covers topics that are affecting Lisa at the moment, such as how she’s handling a difficult break up with her long-term boyfriend or what she’s learning she wants and needs out of life.

I cannot say enough wonderful things about Lisa and her blog and I hope you guys enjoy her guest post about knowing when breaking up with someone you love may be the best thing.

I think many of us can relate to struggling to end a relationship we know isn’t the one for us. It can be so difficult to call it quits when you care so deeply for someone and Lisa’s guest post does a great job of breaking it down and letting us all know she’s been there and can relate to what so many of us have gone through or are going through.

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Guest Post: I’m an Okie

Hi Peanut Butter fans! I’m Lisa from a little blog called I’m an Okie. It’s a fun and honest blog about my life. I blog about food and fitness, but most importantly my quest for healthy relationships, loving myself, and working through life’s daily struggles. I pride myself on holding nothing back on my blog and I strive to write honest posts about all of the ups and downs in my life.

When Julie asked me to write a guest post while she was in Europe (lucky girl), I was thrilled. I “met” Julie a few years back on a fitness forum where we connected. She decided to start a blog and I quickly followed suit. Other than my mom, I’m proud to say that Julie was my first reader. She is a wonderful girl and I’ve been so happy to call her a friend. I feel very honored to be on her blog today.

Julie is in a happy and healthy relationship. I think it’s safe to say that we all adore Julie and Ryan’s relationship. They are a great example of what love and life together should be.

I’ve loved, been loved, and let love go in my life. Unfortunately, I just went through a breakup of a 4-year relationship (which is well documented on my blog). The breakup was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

However, I came out on the other side and life has been much better because of it.

It’s hard to move on and break off a relationship that you know isn’t right for you. I knew I should’ve left mine before I did. The fear of change and the unknown often holds us back. We fear that we are making a mistake. We fear that we won’t meet someone new.

No matter what the reason is, avoiding the problem will never get you anywhere in the long-term. It’s better to identify when a relationship is going nowhere so we can address it, rather than cling onto it in blind hopes that things will change. If we hold on to relationships that are not meant to be, we can never attract new things into our life. We will forever be living in the past than moving forward into the future.

I’ve found that in relationships, there are common themes and signs that it might be time for you to move on…

1. When the same situation or problem occurs over and over and over again.

One time is not a problem. The second time you might give it another chance. If the same problem arises a third time, you might just need to accept that this is the furthest the relationship can go. If you keep bringing up an issue, and it never gets resolved or always ends back in the same place, then it could be tie to cut your losses.

2. When your significant other puts no effort into the relationship.

Relationships require hard work and effort. In my relationship, I was the one putting in most of the effort. I gave and gave to keep the relationship alive, until it eventually drained me and made me lose my self-identity in the end. True, relationships aren’t always 50-50. However, if you find yourself doing most of the giving then ask yourself: Could I do this for the rest of my life? Would it make me happy? Chances are it won’t.

3. When your self-perception starts to change—you were once a confident and strong individual and now you find yourself insecure.

If a relationship is bringing you down as a person, ask yourself why. Do you really want a person in your life that doesn’t make you feel like you the most beautiful girl in the world? I know that in my past relationship, I became very insecure. I was a confident, happy woman who started to become obsessive with her eating and obsessive with exercise. I had lost myself in the process of trying to get him to love me. No relationship is worth your self-esteem. If a relationship is holding you back from growing as a person, then it could be time to move on.

4. When you expect him to change, or he expects you to change.

I’ve found in my experience that it is very hard for people to change who they are. You can’t try to change a person to fit your expectations; you should be able to love the individual as they are. People are who they are. If he isn’t what you would like and you wish you could change some deal-breaker issues, then it’s time to move on.

5. When you keep justifying his actions.

I gave my ex a lot of excuses for his actions in the past. Maybe he didn’t know what to do. Maybe he was shy. Maybe he wasn’t sure of what to do with the relationship. Maybe this, maybe that. It was endless. Reality was, the action that I wanted wasn’t happening. I could make excuses left and right, but that doesn’t change anything. Sometimes you have to see it for what it is. Remember: Actions speak louder than words.

6. When your fundamental values and beliefs are different.

For any relationship to work, there has to be some common ground in your fundamental values and beliefs. Sure, each person can have varying opinions on issues and that’s healthy. What do you value in life? It could be matters regarding to religion, health, or simply what you want out of life. If your beliefs and values don’t match up on the MAJOR issues on your life, it will always be an uphill battle to keep the relationship alive.

Those are just SOME of the many reasons it might be time for you to move on. Of course, if there is mental, physical, or emotional abuse then it’s time to move on. That’s a given.

There is no clear-cut answer and only you can determine what is right for you and your relationship. Don’t let fear hold you back. Listen to your guts and your instinct and it will lead you in the right direction. If you believe in prayer, then certainly, pray about your relationship. You will know what to do.

And if you do decide to break up and move on from a relationship, have faith that things will turn out ok.

I made sure to buy myself lots of flowers in my mourning phase. Do things that make you smile. Dance alone in your living room (I do this all the time…trust me, there are videos on my blog to prove it). Get to know yourself again.

YOU WILL BE OK.

I will leave you with my mantra for 2011:

Why settle for less when you can have it all?

Thank you Julie for letting me occupy her space today! You can find me at http://www.imanokie.com, on Twitter, or on Facebook.