When we experienced our first miscarriage in January, I knew fairly quickly I wanted to share our loss on the blog. I wrote about our miscarriage for two main reasons.
1. I shared because I needed to write. Writing has always been the way I sort through emotions that feel jumbled and messy in my mind. It lets me cry, breathe and put words to feelings that feel confusing, conflicting and overwhelming. It’s my release.
2. I shared because I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt or would one day feel the pain of losing a baby I never got the chance to meet. After our loss, I turned to the internet and re-read two blog posts I remember crying over years ago when two women shared their experiences with miscarriage and it immediately made me feel less alone. I saw them living life with smiles on their faces after their losses and it gave me hope.
After sharing my first miscarriage, I heard from so many of you and you opened up to me and told me such personal stories. Your comments made me cry for you, hurt with you and hope with you. They made me feel less alone in a time when it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one experiencing such a crushing loss.
If your comments, messages, emails and stories touched me after our first loss, they were permanently etched into my heart after our second.
Truthfully, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about our second loss on the blog. It was so painful and so raw and the emotions that came along with a second miscarriage were confusing to me because I was suddenly dealing with anger and frustration in addition to sadness and longing.
But you get it.
When I began reading your comments, I saw immediately that you completely get it.
When you typed out words like miscarriage sucks and losing a baby is so shitty – words that, to an outsider may seem blunt and harsh – I felt understood. Miscarriage DOES suck. It IS shitty. And it’s miserable and hard and horrible and unfair.
Our experiences with two miscarriages also taught me something important. So many people are dealing with something difficult in their lives. We’re talking seriously HARD stuff. The kind of stuff that would give anyone permission to be cold, angry, jaded and withdrawn. But they’re not. You’re not. And it’s incredible to me.
I received comments from more than a few of you that took my breath away because of the kindness and compassion you showed to me through your pain. It’s not fair to compare painful stories because loss sucks no matter how you look at it but the word heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe what so many of you have been through.
Multiple miscarriages, infertility, stillbirths, infant loss, child loss, loss of loved ones. It’s horrible and sad and unfair and, yes, shitty. It’s okay to be angry, sad, confused, scared, overwhelmed, mad, exhausted… It’s okay to be all of those things and more.
But what blows me away is how unbelievably kind so many of you are to me and to others through your pain. As women have opened up to me about loss in their lives after our miscarriages, both in my personal life and online, I see firsthand just how STRONG women are and how selflessly and courageously women handle the horrible things life throws at them.
So many of you have not allowed loss to cause you to shut down. You haven’t allowed it to harden your heart and make you cold, bitter and angry. Maybe for a moment or a season, but not forever. Instead you’re using your pain to help others, to help me, through loss and struggle.
This is amazing and awesome and inspiring. This is what keeps me going because I want to do exactly what you’ve done for me for others. It’s what made me want to open up about our second loss – something so deeply personal – again.
So this blog post is my very long-winded way of saying thank you to all of you for what feels like the billionth time. You are changing my heart for the better. You are giving me hope and strengthening my faith and I am grateful.
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What a beautiful, well written post. It is so important to remember that you never know what a person is dealing with, so it’s always necessary to be kind. No exceptions. Continue to focus on the joy, the awesome and amazing things. Positivity really is everything ❤
Hi Julie,
I have been reading your blog for many years now and I just want to say how much I love this post. You are such a strong, wonderful woman. Thank you for being so vulnerable and I am thinking of you during this time. <3
Thank you so much for reading for so long and for your kind words, Melody. I really appreciate it. <3
You are stronger than you think…this post gave me chills. As a long time reader, I find it bizarre that I probably know more about your life than some of my friends. In cases like this, where normally I would call or visit in person for comfort, what can we do for someone we’ve never actually met??
Your words do so much more than you think! Leaving a comment like this means so much to me. Thank you.
This post gives me all the chills… So beautifully written Julie <3 <3 Praying for hard for you. XOXO
Your words are so important. When I went through my loses, I had no one in my life that had ever gone through it so I turned to the internet. Reading stories like yours got me through because I thought, “if they can get through it I can too”. I have been able to be there for (unfortunately) so many friends who have experienced loss since my own experiences. It’s a shitty club to be a part of, but also one full of strength and love.
Dear Julie,
Thank you! Your message is so important because I think that only recently have women begun sharing with others the pain of miscarriage, and it is important because it creates a support system. All of your readers here surely support you! I have been a reader for almost 6 years now, so please know your posts are a joy to read and like this one, important and cathartic. <3
I am so sorry for all you’ve been through, Julie. I wish I knew what to do or say to help, but I know all too well that nothing helps after a miscarriage. “It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen” doesn’t help when you long to hold a baby in your arms. “You’ve done it once, not everyone gets that chance” does nothing but make you feel like shit for daring to feel bad for yourself because someone else has it worse (which, by the way, is bullshit – everyone has their struggles and just because someone’s may be worse than yours does not minimize the severity of how yours feel TO YOU). I wish I were there so that I could hug you and have a cup of tea with you and watch chick flicks with you and let you cry it out all you need. I’m here any time you want or need to talk, honestly. Please, feel free to email me or I will give you my phone number and you can text me anytime. My son is just a little bit older than Chase. I miscarried before my son and honestly, I’ve been deathly afraid of trying again because I just don’t want to experience another miscarriage.
Exactly. I honestly had reservations sharing my experience on the blog because I know I am so freaking lucky to have a toddler at home. I know this is a blessing and I don’t for one second fail to recognize this fact… if anything our losses have made me more acutely aware of this. But then I decided to let this go because I had hope that the majority of people would see me sharing my losses in this space for what it is… raw pain, raw grief. I hoped they would not compare my experience to someone else’s because I KNOW people have it worse. I was just so incredibly touched by the kindness I received from others through their pain, especially when, if you DID compare our situations, they DO have it worse. But that’s not helpful and it’s not fair and I’m just so grateful for the kindness of readers who, despite their own pain, showed me the support and love after our losses.
Also, I am so sorry for your loss, Jess. Thank you for sharing this with me and for your kind words.
You are the first blog I check in with each morning because you are so vulnerable and honest with sharing your life to the world. Your posts are what people appreciate in not only in writing but in real life. Thank you for letting your readers celebrate the triumphs and mourn the losses with you.
Julie, thank you for opening up about your losses. It breaks my heart to see you grieving over another baby. I hope that you find little things during the day that bring you joy during this difficult time. As a reader for years, I love how open you are with something that is so hard and taxing on woman. Sending more love and prayers to you, Ryan, Chase and Sadie.
Hi Julie. This post was so honest, and I know that you are helping so many women going through something similar. I wanted to share an idea that some of my friends have done after infant loss/miscarriage. A couple of them have planted a tree/plant in memory of the baby. They said it really helped them to have a place to go and think about their baby, and it also helped to see life and beauty return year after year. You may have already done something to commemorate the lives of the babies, but I thought I would just share something that provided some solace to my friends. Again, I am so sorry about the loss of your baby.
This post is everything. Every thought summed up in one beautiful space. I have 2 amazing children but every time I hear of someone going through the tragedy of this type of loss, it’s like a kick in the gut. And it’s shitty. And it still hurts just as bad as it did when it happened. But being surrounded by love and strength gets us through. And I know I’m one of the lucky ones who came out with kids on the other side. Not everyone gets that chance.
Hugs to you and Ryan (and Chase and Sadie). Hugs help.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Julie! My husband and I suffered a miscarriage on our one year wedding anniversary (not an ideal way to spend the day). We went on to have a perfectly healthy baby girl who was born a few weeks after Chase. As we prepare to start trying for baby number two I cannot stop thinking about the possibility of losing another baby. You are not a lone and you sharing your story makes the rest of us feel not alone either!
You are so strong and please continue to share whatever you feel like sharing!
Sending lots of love.
I am so sorry for your loss, Melanie, and on such a special day. <3 Thank you for sharing a little bit about your precious baby with me. I'm so glad you have a healthy baby girl at home to bring you joy every day and pray your journey for more children is one filled with happiness. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Sitting here with tears streaming down my face. You are amazing, Julie. Praying for you.
Sending your whole family hugs and well wishes. Thank you for always being true to yourself and to your readers! We love you!
Hi,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now- I love it! This post was perfectly written, I’ve walked in your shoes, and it’s so reassuring to hear I’m not alone in how I feel. It can feel lonely, heart breaking, discouraging, bitter, shitty ( so true!!!).. you name it- so many emotions! Like you, I have one beautiful child, and I’m thankful for her every day. Again, ,thank you so much for sharing something so raw, honest and real. Please keep writing your story, it’s not over yet.
There’s a reason I’ve been following your blog for all of these years (over 6 and counting!) because you are so real in your posts. It breaks my heart to watch you going through all of this pain. No one deserves to lose a child. You are incredibly STRONG and I thank you so much for sharing your story even though I can’t fathom how difficult it must have been.
I’m sitting on the runway in Charlotte wishing I could give you a hug.
You are so brave and strong to share your loss and be vulnerable. I suffered a miscarriage and the pain hurts deeply, but I know my baby angel is safe and happy and we will meet again. Sending you love and the hope that you can find peace. It took time, but I know my baby is always in my heart, just like my toddler. A mother’s love does not change or go away – it is unbreakable.
Julie,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it’s hard to put your raw emotions out there for people to read. I recently experienced my first miscarriage. We were so excited to find out we were pregnant on our own after struggling with infertility for the past couple of years. Those happy moments of the positive pregnancy tests were then turned to grief as we found out our pregnancy wasn’t viable. I know one of the first things I turned to was your blog post about your first miscarriage. It helped to read your words and what you went through. I’ve been a long time reader of your blog and it felt comforting to read something by someone “I know” go through this.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during such a heartbreaking time.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, Julie. It is all so heartbreaking, and frustrating, and infuriating. It doesn’t seem fair, or right. You have somehow managed though to turn this awful experience into a source of strength for others. I always thought that there were only 2 kinds of people in the world: people who have kids who wanted them, and people who didn’t have kids who didn’t want them. And so many of us are in the middle gray area–struggling and scared and forced to go on smiling. What I’ve learned is that women are warriors! And you are no different, my dear! Know that we are all sending you lots of love and strength. Thank you for opening up about this–and letting us grieve and hope with you!
Beautifully written. So sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your family <3
Psychologist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross once said, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. My brother and sister-in-law experienced infant loss earlier this year when their five-week-old son passed away (he was born extremely premature and had lots of health issues). When he died, all I remember wanting to do was extract some of the pain from my brother and his wife so I could take some of it for them on their behalf. I would have done anything to take even just the smallest bit of hurt from them. I cannot even imagine what it must feel like to lose a child – whether that be through a miscarriage, infant loss, or even the loss of an adult child. Please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. Hopefully in a small way the readers bring you comfort. I too feel as I know even though I haven’t met you. My heart sank when I read the title of your post this week. You don’t even realize how you are helping those who have been through this same thing. Praying for comfort for you and Ryan.
This post is so true. You never know what someone is dealing with or has dealt with. We all have our hardships. I’m so sorry for your losses. I am hoping the testing gives you some answers.
very well said.
you’ve been on my mind since your last post, i hope you are doing okay…and i remembered how a lot of your friends are pregnant right now…i know how hard that can be to see them or hang out with them 🙁 hopefully they understand if you want to distance yourself for a bit. i know when i lost my daughter i wanted nothing to do with any babies or pregnant people. even when i got pregnant again i was still jealous of pregnant women because i felt like they didn’t have the worry and anxiety i had.
take care of yourself <3
I’ve been following your blog since…well, since forever, and I rarely comment, but I do read every day. I have never been through the same loss that you are feeling, but it is something that many women close to me have experienced, and I think writing about it sheds light on the fact that there is nothing WRONG with you if you have a miscarriage. I know when a friend of mine went through it, she kept trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she should or shouldn’t have eaten, or drank, etc. But the harsh reality is that this is sadly common among women – it’s just that women rarely publicly share about it. I am so incredibly saddened by your loss, but I also know that you are helping so many women, present and future, just by sharing your truth and living your truth, as painful as it may be. All of my love and prayers go to you and Ryan. <3
Sharing in the pain helps to take some of it away I think. Your heartfelt words are really beautiful.
I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of advice lately…but I would urge you to make sure and get your Progesterone levels tested as soon as you know you are pregnant, and then every two weeks after that. I have always had issues with it during my pregnancies, and had one miscarriage, which I believe was because I didn’t get on medication soon enough. It is a huge contributor to early loss of pregnancy. Just another thing to rule out and give you peace of mind.
Best wishes moving forward!
I know I said it in your last post, but I wanted to say it again, I’m so sorry that you had to go through this again. Although I haven’t experienced a miscarriage personally, I have gone through loss, and it’s really hard. It feels like you’ll never feel better, but little by little life returns to normal.
Julie,
This part of the blog got me: Multiple miscarriages, infertility, stillbirths, infant loss, child loss, loss of loved ones. It’s horrible and sad and unfair and, yes, shitty. It’s okay to be angry, sad, confused, scared, overwhelmed, mad, exhausted… It’s okay to be all of those things and more.
I’ve never had a miscarriage but do suffer with infertility. We went through years of trying, 2 failed IUIs and finally had a girl with the help of IVF. I don’t know the feeling of loss that you felt with two miscarriages but I understand the feeling of longing. It’s a hard feeling to let go of when all you want is the chance to carry a baby to term. It is sucky and it is shitty. I’m glad you found that writing on the blog has helped you. I think your courageousness of sharing your story will help so many looking for answers when they’re going through the same thing. Your first miscarriage post sure helped my friend sort out her feelings after her miscarriage.
You, Ryan and Chase are in my thoughts.
Thank you for bringing awareness to miscarriage. Thinking of you <3
Julie, you are so, so right. It’s amazing how many seasons of life are difficult (for a hundred different reasons) but to see all the messages of support, love, and hope is amazing. I commend you for sharing because many people do not. I still have not shared my experience with my miscarriage (other than with family, close friends, and commenting on your posts). You have helped so many people and allowed us to have an outlet to share our experience and pain. You write so beautifully and please do not feel afraid to share even more throughout the coming weeks. I hope it helps. I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I was talking to a good friend about you (b/c from reading your blog for years, you feel like one of my friends, even though you don’t know me!) and she’s never read your blog but even she texted me later and said, “I cannot stop thinking about the blogger you told me about and what she’s going through.” Our hearts ache for you and your husband. And, as crazy as this may sound, even during this incredibly painful time, hold on to the things you are thankful for, even in terms of the miscarriage. My doctor (who I refused to ever go to again) allowed me to try to miscarry naturally for a week before my D&C. it was one of the worst experiences of my life. During that time, we celebrated my mother in law’s birthday at a beautiful place. I’ve told my husband over and over again, I will NEVER go there again. I can’t do it. Do not be afraid to hide your tears from Chase. My son (who was three when I miscarried and is now six) still talks about our other baby who is in heaven and it brings me comfort. We say, “That was such a hard time and we miss our baby…but we got to have our Brady!” (our rainbow baby) Thinking of you!!! You will get through this and there will be lots of joy in your future. Of that I am certain. It’s finding the small joys while waiting for what we are longing for, that helps us make it through the tough times. You are brave and strong.
Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
This quote has always brought me comfort after dealing with two miscarriages. It really does suck and it’s the worst situation ever. You will get through this and have your rainbow baby and cry big ugly tears of joy.
Julie, I can’t relate to what it’s like having a miscarriage or losing a little one, I know what it’s like losing a loved one so close to you though. And, all I can say is, keep your faith, hold tight, and cling to God as much as possible. You and your family are in my prayer journal. Blessings sent.
Julie-
You are so strong and I have always admired you! It is shitty that such a wonderful person is going through so much pain. But because of your strength, this will make you even stronger – even if it does not feel like it now. Take care mama.
Julie,
My heart is hurting for you and with you. You have been someone who I’ve drawn inspiration from and continue to feel like I’m walking through life with you. I am AMAZED and THANKFUL for your strength. Simply by you coming on here and continuing to write is what gives me the feeling of having a battle buddy on this journey called life. I am humbled by you and your hope and am PRAYING for you.
TRUST IN THE LORD, Julie. He does have a beautiful plan for you. There is a bigger reason that you are going through these trials. Seek His goodness in this season and lean on Him. He will give you more strength than you could ever imagine.
Thank you sweet girl for everything you do.
XOXO
Jenna
Thinking of you and your family. I’m extremely grateful that you shared your deeply personal story.
Continuing to think and pray for your sweet family. I have followed along with your family since college and loved watching y’all grow. My hear breaks for you and hope you get some concrete answers soon to enable you to take the next steps forward.
Your words are so perfect and I appreciate them so much. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and it is something not a lot understand the depth of unless they have gone through it too. So sharing our pain together brings so much healing. Thank you.
Julie, thank you for this. My mother who was an amazing woman, my best friend, and 2 time cancer survivor passed away last week (not from cancer). Your words ring true to my heart. I’m angry, sad, pissed, depressed, you name it but I will not allow it to dim my light. My mother would want me to go on, be kind, and find comfort. Your blog post really touched because although our situations are not exactly the same, the pain and love we feel for those we lost is. Thank you, julie
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, Julie. It’s so obvious from your comment how much you loved her and it’s also so obvious to me how proud she would be of you right now. Thank you for reaching out and sharing a little bit about your mother with me and your experience with loss. <3 Sending you love. xo
I have the utmost respect for you for sharing something so personal and heartbreaking to help others. Just incredible.
I can’t even imagine what you and your family are going through right now, but I’m going to keep praying for you, Ryan, and Chase. Thank you, Julie.
I love this so much. I’m going through my own infertility battle right now and it is overwhelming and exhausting and so, so shitty. But nothing helps more than talking to other women who have been here in one way or another and who understand. I am so sorry you are going through this, but thank you for sharing. Thank god we have one another.
I am so, so sorry for what you and your family have been through, but I am so awed and grateful that you have shared your story. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you.
My heart aches for you and your family. I know it must have been hard to share your story with us. I’ll be praying that you can move forward from this and hopefully have that baby you so long for. I know this feeling. The good thing is that you have time on your side, you’re still so young and you have the time to heal properly and find the right doctor to help you through your next pregnancy. When I lost my first baby it took me a very long time to try again, I was so scared. I can’t imagine going through it a second time. I know some women that have been through multiple losses and they had problems with progesterone levels, although I’m not sure if that’s the case or not. I’m so sorry, I know you’ll have your rainbow baby soon…sending lots of (comfort) hugs your way
Have you been checked for a clotting disorder? I ask because I suffered from 2 dozen losses before we discovered my clotting disorder and this was after one healthy pregnancy and birth. So, it’s worth checking into. I’m so sorry you have suffered through this….I pray that answers are found!
sending you strength and courage to wake up everyday – to see the love outside of loss. I have suffered more miscarriages than I care to remember and this after two births. I have two adult (20 and 17) children. The pain never goes away but living in faith and knowing that you have angels watching over you and one day a celebration in heaven.
This post is why I love reading your blog daily. You are such a compassionate and caring individual. The fact that you are going through such a heart breaking time in your life, yet you are writing about how strong and kind others are, even in times of grief. You are truly inspirational and I’m so sorry for your second loss. Chase is so lucky to have you as his mother!
Thank you for sharing your heart and your experiences with your readers. It truly does help to feel like there is a community somewhere who understands the pain of miscarriage and infertility. We experienced a miscarriage 4 years ago, after trying to get pregnant for 6 moths. Since then, we haven’t been able to get pregnant and have officially been diagnosed with “unexplained infertility.” We have 4 failed IUIs in the past year, and are now in the thick of IVF. Our first embryo transfer failed, but we have 3 more embryos frozen. The longing & the sadness are always there, under the surface. And there are plenty of times that I feel angry or depressed or just hopeless, but hope and faith trump all of these. I (and all of your readers) are sending you prayers and positive thoughts on this journey. We’re in it together. 🙂 Also, I know you’re an avid reader, so just curious if you know of any faith-based books that might be helpful to read? I’d love any recommendations.
This was an absolutely beautiful post, and it speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
Sending you and Ryan peace, light, and healing.
Gah! Now you are you are making ME cry with your thank you.
You are a truly a remarkable woman.
And yes miscarriage, infertility, stillbirth, losing a child, a loved one, etc. fucking sucks bawlz. Big donkey bawlz.
This post is so true. While I don’t have kids yet, my mother struggled with infertility and suffered two miscarriages before giving birth to three healthy children. Definitely validates the saying through pain comes joy. <3