Since I know some of you guys do not have Instagram and only read the blog, I wanted to share what I wrote on Instagram and Facebook yesterday with the hope that someone out there might feel less alone in their sadness. And for anyone struggling through miscarriage or the loss of a precious little one, I am holding you in my heart. I hate that this is something that connects so many of us and I am sending you so much love. Thank you for allowing me a space where I feel comfortable sharing my heart with all of you knowing I’ll be met with kindness and support time and time again. It means so much to me.
Here is the message I wrote yesterday as I thought about the three precious babies we lost on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day:
Miscarriage is horrible and hard and painful and isolating and just when you think you’re “handling it” and “doing okay” something will smack you in the face and the grief will bubble up and you’ll find yourself breathless and crying in your car. Today’s tears began flowing as I read stories from mothers sharing their heartbreaking losses as they remember their precious babies during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I’m so glad a day like this exists even if it is really, really sad. It helped me cry tears I clearly needed to cry. ⠀
As I read words filled with so much longing and grief, my heart began aching and it all came rushing back. ⠀
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I thought about the first two babies we lost. I thought about the moments before my two previous D&Cs when I found myself sobbing because I knew I was moments away from never being physically close to my babies on earth again. I thought about our most recent loss. I thought about the moment I had to quickly stop playing “adventure hikers” with Chase because I felt cramping and a throbbing pain and I ended up passing our baby in the bathroom.⠀
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To be honest, I feel like I’ve handled this loss with just about as much strength as I have inside of me but for some reason today I felt the grief from our losses compound. I found myself feeling so impossibly sad that I now have three babies in heaven that I cannot snuggle and love on and chase after every day. I felt the weight of everything and began spiraling down an unhelpful road of “whys,” “should bes” and “if onlys.” I felt my strength waver. ⠀
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And then I had this thought: Maybe it’s okay NOT to be strong sometimes. Maybe it’s okay to be really sad and frustrated and angry and heartbroken. Maybe it’s okay to dissolve into tears the second I reach my car after keeping it together in public. Maybe it’s okay to feel really freaking thankful for my two wonderful healthy boys one moment and really freaking sad about the loss of three babies the next. ⠀
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I know from my past experiences that this loss will make me softer but it will also make me stronger. I may not feel that strength today or tomorrow but it will come… eventually.
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Thank you for sharing Julie. I too have lost 3 precious babies. Babies that I was over the moon happy to be pregnant with. The first one was right before I got pregnant with who is now my 4 year old. We’ve been trying for our 4th child for over 3 years now. In that 3 years, we only concieved twice. Last August we discovered a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks. A month ago today I finally had another positive pregnancy test, only to start miscarrying a week later. It hurts, it is lonely, but I admit I have gained strength. I feel ok this time. Last year I was struggling for 6 months or more. I cant tell if im ready to be done, or if im just sick of the pain that cimes from wanting so badly. I look forward to the day when you and I, and millions of other mothers and fathers get to meet and love on our babies in heaven.
BIG HUG!!!
It may be too soon, but if you haven’t already, when you’re ready, please listen to the song “I Will Carry You” by Selah. The lyrics of that song talk about God caring for our precious little ones in heaven that we’ve lost and it is beyond beautiful. It has comforted me time and time again. Love and Hugs.
I don’t think we ever get over loss of those that were close to us. It gets easier and when you think you’re okay, the tears come. Even if just for a second the tears come. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel lost. Those that have passed, will want us to continue living in light and happiness . You’re a strong lady, tears when they’re cleared make us stronger even if at the time they make us feel weaker. Sending lots of light and big hugs!
Julie,
Thank you for sharing. I believe that these feelings should be shared, talked about and not kept in the dark. Your journey and what you’ve gone through and how you’ve shared it, is very helpful. I haven’t experienced your kind of loss but I do understand a part of it. The part where we think about why our body isn’t doing what it should – or what we’ve always been told it should.
I’ve struggled with IVF not working. It’s like the universe didn’t even give me a chance to experience more. I have a beautiful daughter and we’ve decided to stop trying. Every time I hear a story of loss like yours, I feel for you and the moms going through it.
I cannot fully understand the pain of losing a baby, I do understand the feeling of “why is this happening”.
Thank you for being open. REading your blog and instagram posts has helped me in many ways. It has made me not bury this guilt of not being able to have another baby. It has allowed me to openly say “We have tried many times, it does not work out for us and we are blessed with our one” when people ask me why I’m not having another baby.
I am sending so much love and prayer your way, Julie! I appreciate you and your blog so much- you have such a big heart and you live life with so much joy, that you then share with the rest of us. I am so thankful you are finding ways to lean into your grief and to let yourself be angry, frustrated, mad, sad, etc. You are an amazing mama and you are just showing how much you love those babies from the second they are with you.
thank you, trish <3 i really appreciate your thoughtful comment so much.
Sending you hugs and prayers.
As difficult and crappy miscarriage is, I am thankful for more and more strong and amazing woman opening up and sharing their stories. I miscarried our first the day before Thanksgiving 2015 and had a D&C on Black Friday. I remember sitting up that night after coming back from the hospital, my grief and confusion keeping me awake. I was Googling anything I could about miscarriage, desperately looking for answers and looking for someone I could relate to, someone who had been through what I had gone through, so I could see that there was hope on the other side of it all. There wasn’t much out there, to be honest. And I didn’t know anyone in my circle who had been through a miscarriage and suddenly I felt so isolated and the word “miscarriage” felt almost dirty to me. I remember the doctors talking to me about it like it was routine, no big deal, it happens all the time, it’s normal….but it was anything but any of that to me, and it made me question if what I was feeling was normal. So. Many. Emotions. I realized that it wasn’t until I slowly started opening up about the loss to those around me that I quickly found I wasn’t alone. I feel like only recently, at least it seems like this to me, that more and more woman, and even men, are coming forward with their stories of infant loss, and I guarantee you, there is someone who just went through losing their baby who is sitting up at night desperately looking for answers or someone to relate to and your blog posts may just be the blessing in the darkness that pulls them through. I remember wanting to find purpose for my pain, and maybe it helps to know that you are helping others around you carry on and find strength through all the messy grief. You are so loved by so many! And your posts are more than just words on a screen, they are strength, grace, love, and honesty. On behalf of so, so many who have found themselves feeling alone or isolated…or any and all of the emotions from losing a baby, THANK YOU.
Thank you for continuing to share the ups and downs of your journey. Your first two miscarriages aligned with my two miscarriages and while I absolutely hated that anyone else was going through what I was, I cannot begin to tell you how much your blog and your words helped me. They helped me know I wasn’t alone. They helped me feel like my grief was ok. It’s odd that a blog from someone I’ve never met before would do that for me, but it’s like you were speaking directly to me sometimes. I’m so grateful for that. I also struggle with feeling like my losses weren’t “big” compared to some others that folks experience. But I try to remember that my lane is my own and I can feel however I feel.
One thing that helps me is that I imagine my beloved grandparents up in heaven and how they’re holding my little ones until my husband and I join them in the future. I imagine my babies and my family and even my puppy in heaven all together. It makes me cry to think of it, but at peace too.
Big hugs!
jen, your comment means more to me than you know. i’m so sorry our losses lined up but it’s one of those complicated things where knowing someone has walked a similar path provides comfort to me, too. kind of like an “if she got through it, so can i” kind of thing. thank you for sharing this with me. <3
Living in such an open-sharing world is a funny thing—while on the one hand, it’s wonderful to feel like you’re less alone, on the other hand, you realize there’s someone whose story is always harder than yours…which can make you feel like there’s no reason you should be struggling as much as you are when so many are struggling so much more. But as you said, it’s important to lean in and just express your own grief—just because your losses might not match someone else’s, doesn’t mean you didn’t still experience a hard loss. It was only when I just let myself grieve my own miscarriage and the 9 months it took to get pregnant again that I could finally heal, even if my own (brief) struggle with not being able to get pregnant and my (one) loss wasn’t as hard/prolonged as other women’s. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time. Hugs to you and your sweet family <3
Julie,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I have never had a miscarriage, but we’ve been trying to get pregnant for nearly a year with no luck. I have so many thoughts and feelings about our journey, yet sometimes I feel I need to downplay those feelings because others have gone through seemingly so much worse (miscarriage, multiple miscarriages, infant loss, etc). But I appreciate your reminder to honor my feelings and grieve if I need to. I continue to think about how if we’d gotten pregnant when we first started trying, we’d have a little baby right now. Every month that goes by I think of the pregnancy that “could have been.” It’s so heartbreaking, and certainly isolating. I’m grateful to those willing to share their stories :).
Sending you so many hugs and lots of love! <3
oh the “could have beens” are just the worst, aren’t they? i wish i could make them leave my mind but they somehow always seem to linger. and thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me — i wish the journey to having a baby didn’t have to be so hard for so many. sending you love. <3 <3
If I learned anything though going through the journey of infertility, pregnancy loss and eventually being blessed with the greatest gift of all time, its that I felt the lowest of the lows but also the highest of the highs. The lows are so so hard and you are not alone. But then there are highs and we can cry tears of joy and that is a feeling like none other. Every loss is painful and the absolute worst feeling no matter how far along. We all hurt in that same awful gut wrenching way. The only thing that helped me sometimes, is knowing I wasn’t alone and to try to keep the faith that I would be blessed again. 10000% it is ok to just not be ok. hugs. Tears of joy are coming. I just know it.
THIS: ” I felt the lowest of the lows but also the highest of the highs” — YES. I will say that as horrible and sad as I felt following our first two miscarriages, nothing could’ve prepared me for the most intense rush of overwhelming emotions that flooded me after I gave birth to Ryder. It was so messy and complicated — knowing he was in my arms only because two other babies weren’t — but my I could almost physically feel my heart overflow with happiness and gratitude for him. I hold onto that feeling and treasure it.
Oh Julie it’s so true…I remember sitting in the waiting room for my 8 week ultrasound for my rainbow baby and feeling terrified. I felt angry too, and thought, “I shouldn’t even be here…I should be home with a newborn right now.” But when I saw my baby on that screen, it was the most surreal moment of my entire life. A different surreal from my ultrasound with my first son because this time I stared at my baby who was here because I had gone through loss. And I felt an instant love. I think of the day of his birth as my happiest day, because I finally had all of my boys (my husband, my first son, and my second son). Every time I see a picture of your precious Ryder I think he was just meant to be. I wish the peaks and valleys we take to have our babies could always just be peaks. But there is something positive that comes from the struggle…a greater appreciation perhaps for our precious rainbow babies…and an empathy for others who are grieving any loss.
I only had five blissful days of pregnancy until the first sign of trouble. Then it was weeks of uncertainty, then 9 agonizing days of trying to miscarry naturally (I was never offered medication and didn’t know it existed). It was traumatizing and I ended up having to have a D&C anyway so it all felt so pointless at the time. I was relieved when Shawn Johnson shared that they had one blissful day of pregnancy before discovering she had miscarried. I think we are in love the second we see the positive pregnancy test…and the love just continues to grow with every week that passes. So I couldn’t imagine losing a baby at 12 weeks…or 20…or at birth. My heart aches for anyone who has ever lost a baby.
I saw your post on Facebook yesterday and hoped you’d blog today so I could let you know that I thought your message from the post is so beautiful and heartfelt. I’m not quite in a place where I’m trying to have children yet, but I feel like your openness and honesty has helped me learn that no matter what that journey may bring, many other women have been through whatever I could possibly go through, good or bad, anxious or calm, happy or sad, I won’t be alone. I so appreciate you sharing your experiences and feelings with us. Sending you lots of love and prayers <3
Thank you for being so real and honest. I’m going through a heartache right now and I’m trying to be so freaking strong. Reading what you said about it being ok to NOT be strong all the time, immediately made me cry (I needed to). I never comment on blogs but you are a favorite because you are so genuine, clearly so kind and thoughtful, and very relatable. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story-it helps so many of us.
Julie after reading your post on Instagram yesterday you inspired me to post my own thoughts , I’ve so appreciated you being so open no matter how hard with your losses and this year I guess I follow more women struggling with loss or trying to conceive so it was so heartbreaking to read so many other stories yet some how healing and community building all at the same time . I think of you so often and send you so much love . Crazy to think this time last year I was finding out I was pregnant with my 3rd pregnancy in my to find out we lost another one – so October is heavy even on its own ❤️ Xo
Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability, Julie. It’s been six months since our miscarriage and I still find myself grieving, sometimes out of the blue or when I least expect it, but it is hard and painful and I know these experiences will sit with us forever. I’m so sorry you have to go through it, too, and more than once.
I recently started talking with a therapist who is helping me navigate my thoughts and feelings with this and I think it’s really, really helpful. I can’t recommend it enough.
Sending you strength and hope for moving forward with their spirits in your heart.
Seeing your post on Instagram gave me the courage to share me story this year, so thank you.
❤️ Hugs to all who have experienced this. I have so many friends who have gone through the same thing and it just breaks my heart. Thinking of all of you ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I recently found your blog through Peanut Butter Runner – been reading for several weeks but hadn’t commented until today. We found out we were expecting on September 13th – Friday the 13th of all days. That following Monday, a house came on the market that was perfect for us – we made an offer and it was accepted. We’d been looking for a house for 2 years so it felt like everything was falling into place perfectly. I felt so horrible during this pregnancy so felt reassured by that as bad symptoms are usually a good sign that the pregnancy is viable. We had our ultrasound this past Monday and went into the room with such hubris. My (witty) husband had the front desk staff and ultrasound tech cracking up. Then the ultrasound started and there was no heartbeat. I was 8w4d and the baby measured 8w so the loss had just happened and my body hadn’t figured it out yet. I had my D&C on Tuesday – the day of Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness. Oh the irony. It’s been a very tough week for us. Physically the recovery has not been bad. Emotionally, it’s going to take time. I’m 38 and just so anxious to add a 2nd baby to our family (we are blessed to have a healthy 19m boy). I know it’s safe to have a baby past 40 but I just want to be done asap since the risks just keep increasing as you get older. My mind keeps spinning over how soon I can expect my cycle and how soon we’ll conceive and when that baby might join our family. Growing a family is just so hard.
I had actually gone back and read your 3 miscarriage posts in the last couple of weeks. I thought of you when left the doctor’s office after finding there was no heartbeat. I can’t imagine going through this experience 3 times. How very heartbreaking for you and your husband. Sadly, as we’ve shared our experience with family and friends, so many couples have shared their stories of loss. I hate that so many couples have to go through this. 🙁
Sending you light and love.
It’s never easy … Decades later i still miss all those unborn babies i never h ad.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart, Julie. Your words really hit home for me, just when I needed them most. I have been in the process of grieving a few dreams I had, on top of recognizing the 11th anniversary of my sister’s passing. I kept telling myself to pull it together because other people have more tangible and more recent losses, and I felt like I didn’t have the right to be upset. But sometimes you just have to acknowledge what you feel and feel it. Just because it’s little in comparison to someone else’s story, doesn’t mean it’s not huge to you. So thank you for reminding me that it is ok to not be ok and to be honest with myself about how I feel.
Sending you love, Julie <3