I also have to take a moment to say thank you to those who have endured loss so much farther along in pregnancy or loss of an infant, baby, child, grandchild, niece, nephew, brother or sister who still somehow found a place in your heart to reach out to me and express your sympathy, your support and your love. It honestly humbles me and seeing those whose grief, by comparison, should be much greater than mine take a step back from their own grief to share words of comfort with me makes me feel something I cannot describe in words. All I can possibly say is that I truly believe in my heart there are some incredibly proud little ones in heaven looking down upon you right now.
You all truly inspire me to try my very best to live a life that would make my babies — all of them — proud.
After I woke up this morning, I felt the urge to sit down at the computer and write again. It was a welcomed feeling, especially since I’ve felt mentally exhausted for the past two weeks and didn’t want to think about blogging. My brain is still a bit foggy and my heart is still aching but something about Chase’s first day of preschool yesterday helped restore a much-needed sense of normalcy in my life. The school year feels like a fresh start and while no part of me is ready to completely move on from our loss, I am ready to feel more than just an ache in my heart.
Writing about miscarriage is hard. It’s draining yet incredibly therapeutic and helpful all at the same time. It’s really mentally exhausting and after writing about miscarriage, I almost always feel similar to the way I feel after I’ve had a really good, long, exhausting cry. To be honest, sometimes it’s easier not to write about it. Sometimes it’s easier not to talk about it. You guys know I will continue to write about our loss and talk about it in this space as the feelings bubble up and I feel a need to share and release my emotions but I also want to have an outlet right now that allows me to feel like myself and focus on the good things in my life. And sometimes that outlet is as simple as sharing a glimpse into our day with you.
Back to School
Yesterday was Chase’s first day of four-year-old preschool. To say he was excited to begin the school year is a serious understatement. He loves school with some serious intensity and I hope this never fades.
With the onset of the school year, I tried my best to establish a morning routine we can stick to most week days. I woke up early to check emails and do my morning devotional and then, once Chase was up, we read stories in his room and talked about the day ahead until Ryder was awake and it was breakfast time. The boys dug into yogurt and fresh berries while I ate an RXBar and packed Chase’s lunch. We then headed outside for the obligatory first day of school pictures.
Chase was all about the photos this year (and even requested a little gel in his hair!) and I snapped away while I told him jokes. Telling Chase jokes or asking him to answer silly questions is the only way to get him to smile his “real smile” rather than his awkward four-year-old closed-mouth “picture smile” that looks more like he’s in serious pain than feeling even a small sliver of happiness.
Once photos were done, we piled into my car and headed to preschool. Ryder and I walked Chase into his room — he was the first one there and sprinted inside! — and then headed off to Burn Boot Camp where I completed a leg day workout and Ryder played in childcare.
The workout was HARD but really, really good.
It gave me 45 minutes of “me time” and let me escape my thoughts and feel more like myself than I have in a while.
Once my workout was complete, I quickly scooped Ryder up from childcare and we headed off to his ISR lessons. We’re on week four of lessons now and Ryder did his first unassisted float with Faith which was really cool to see!
After ISR, I brought Ryder home, settled him down for a nap and quickly made myself a bowl of three-minute egg white oatmeal with frozen wild blueberries stirred in.
I ate my oats as I began typing up this blog post and then used the rest of Ryder’s 90-minute nap to work on an upcoming campaign before grabbing a shower 15 minutes before it was time to pick Chase up from school. (Clearly it was a dry shampoo kind of day.) Ryder was already tossing and turning in his crib before I went in his room which was great since last year I always had to wake him up for pickup (so painful) and he seemed happy when he got to enjoy some park playtime at the playground outside of Chase’s school with the big kids!
Afternoon
Once we made it home, I made the boys smoothies and while they sipped their smoothies, I dug into some leftover salad.
We had friends in town over Labor Day weekend and did a lot of cooking at home and so leftovers are carrying us through the first part of the week. My lunchtime salad was another Ina Garten slam dunk: Charlie Bird’s Farro Salad! With so many different flavors and textures, this salad is a big-time winner.
The boys and I had about an hour to kill at home and spent it outside playing fetch with Sadie before it was time for Chase’s ISR lesson. Our schedule is kind of nuts right now since Chase’s school just started and we still have another week of ISR for him. Typically the boys have back-to-back lessons but since their original ISR time conflicted with preschool, Chase has to go at 3 p.m. for a week or so until he’s done. (ISR lessons are every week day for 4-6 weeks.)
Chase did great at his lesson and we were home about 45 minutes later — just in time for a brief afternoon cat nap for Ryder. (Chase is down to two-ish naps a week now and it was a no-nap day for Chase.) As Ryder slept, Chase and I met up with a painter for a quote on our screened-in porch and then I tackled laundry that piled up over the weekend while Chase played in the blanket fort we made and took play breaks every once in a while to “help” me.
Evening
Once Ryder was awake and Ryan was home from work, we were ready to eat and dig into a hodgepodge of weekend leftovers for dinner.
On my plate: Leftover meatballs (homemade by our friend Pete who make the BEST Italian food!), a mix of roasted sweet potatoes and Brussels sprouts and a creamy chili-lime corn salad. It was quite the random assortment of conflicting cuisines but it was all delicious.
We played at the house, did the whole bath time routine (which included a bath scrub-down thanks to Ryder’s affinity for pooping in the tub) and then managed to get both boys in bed by 7:30 p.m. Ryan and I were both exhausted by the end of the day — we’re blaming a very full holiday weekend — and I read for about 30 minutes before my eyes would no longer stay open. I was on the lookout for an easy, breezy beach read (aka nothing overly emotional or heavy) and so far Summer of ’69 by Elin Hilderbrand is fitting the bill.
As for the week ahead, Chase has preschool through Thursday, ISR will still be taking over our lives and I have an ob/gyn appointment on the calendar to make sure everything is looking okay.
I hope you all have a good Wednesday and a wonderful rest of the week! And for any teacher friends reading this post out there, please take a minute to read this caption and know how much you are appreciated. I am so incredibly thankful for the teachers out there who pour so much knowledge, time, energy, and love into not only teaching our children but caring for them every day as well. The work you do is incredible and, like Lindsay says in her caption, truly changing lives, our communities and our world. Thank you.
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I had to laugh at your description of Chase’s “picture smile”…my son is the same way! Continued prayers for your mental and emotional healing. I had a miscarriage about three years ago and even though I have three healthy, beautiful children, the “should haves” are something I think about every day. Sending lots of love!
I think every child must have a special “picture” smile!
Julie, you are in my prayers and I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. Thank you for sharing your story, you are brave and strong and helping others know it’s ok to share. I had a miscarriage before my two boys and like the reader above, think of the “what ifs”. Your post made me smile, my oldest (4yo) started preschool yesterday and I hear you about the fake smiles! Sending you love and support!
thank you, joanna <3 i'm so sorry you know this pain so well. thank you for sharing this with me.
Aww, thank you for sharing that post about teachers! I taught seventh grade English for nine years before having my boys. My son has a young 3rd grade teacher who reminds me of myself my first year of teaching – she went to the same college, has teal all over her classroom, and encourages her students to do random acts of kindness. We went to an amusement park this past weekend and my son taped a note to a dollar that said, “I hope this brightens your day” then he left it on the ground for someone to find. So sweet! Super random story…I waited in a long line with my hungry three year old and when it was my turn to pay, I asked the cashier how she was doing. She said I was the first person all day who asked her how she was doing. (It was 5 pm and you can imagine how many people had gone through her line that day…). She didn’t charge me! And my meal was $21 (for one meal and a water!). I couldn’t wait to tell my older son the story. With everything going on in the world today, spreading kindness and caring about people is so important.
I am thinking about you and sending lots of good vibes your way! Chase has always had the most adorable first day of school pictures! Isn’t it crazy to think that one day you’ll be photographing both boys together?! This is my first year with both boys at the same school (my 3rd grader and my 3 year old is in the special education preschool program three days a week). I have a page on Facebook called “Motherhood is Pure Bliss…and All the Other Lies”. It is not for profit…just a way to share the peaks and valleys of motherhood. If you find yourself needing a laugh in the coming weeks, feel free to scroll through some of the pictures!
I made my younger son wear a swim diaper in the bath tub for months and it was worth every penny! Lol!
I absolutely love hodge podge leftover meals! 🙂 Question about the Rx bars–I tried a couple at your recommendation but I just CANNOT do the texture! I hate it when things get stuck in my teeth and those things were just killing me! Did I try the wrong kind or is that just what they’re like?
Also, if you’re looking for more easy breezy beach reads, I HIGHLY recommend absolutely anything by Sarah Dessen. She’s one of my all-time faves and her books are technically rated as YA, but they’re so filled with great narratives and complex characters, plus a lot of young love. 🙂
ha!! sooo i actually LOVE the chewy texture so i think it sounds like something that just might not be a good fit for you — they’re definitely a bit hard/chewy!
and thank you for the book recommendation!! absolutely looking up this author when i’m done with my current book. i’m in the mood for ALL the easy, breezy reads right now.
Oh well, on to another snack option! 🙂 My first Sarah Dessen book was Along for the Ride and it’s just wonderful, I could read that one 100 times and never get sick of it. I also deeply love This Lullaby.
I just want to second the Sarah Dessen recommendation! I started reading them in high school but I can’t stop. Her new one, The Rest of the Story, is great.
thinking and praying for you – i am going through fertility and the STRUGGLE and pain of “failure” is such an emotional rollercoaster but i cannot imagine the losses you have felt. no one can – only you! HANG in there… let yourself feel the loss, but i know that you have the courage to just keep trying. my recent mantra is “warrior not worrier.” maybe that is something that can resonate with you too. sending you love.
i love “warrior not worrier” — thank you for sharing that with me. sending love right back to you, marti. i am so sorry the journey to having babies is so hard for so many. <3
Love your shorts in the photo with the salad,,,, what brand are they?? Thanks!
thank you, steph! they’re agolde and were a splurge for me but i struggle a LOT with finding denim shorts that fit my body type and they’re fabulous. they are great for a slimmer waistline but bigger hips/booty and are a little longer than many of the cut-offs out there without looking like bermuda shorts — haha! here’s a link to the exact pair i have: http://bit.ly/2PDeskr
I have been following your blog for YEARS, in fact you were one of the first blogs I was reading when I decided to start blogging myself. I’ve always had a big appreciation for your continued authenticity in your writing, and that you don’t sugar coat anything. You continue to live out your life I feel like in the real world, just as you do on your blog. Writing about miscarriage is so hard, though I’ve only experienced it once, I remember feeling very similar in that it somehow helped my heart to write down my feelings. And I know by doing so, it helps someone else out there who may be googling miscarriage experiences and grabbing at any little piece of reassurance they can that’s NOT on some random forum from 2005.
Anyways, Chase is looking so big! I’m glad you’re feeling like the school year is a fresh start – sounds like the distraction of school came at the right time! 🙂
What book or journal do you use for your devotionals? Looking for a good own that resonates with me that I am try to do and make a habit of?!
great, thank u so much for the info, they sound perfect for my body type as well ! ( i have the same problem finding shorts) would u say they run true to size??
Yes!! I almost returned them for a size down so if you’re really on the fence I think you could size down but I am happy with my usual size!
thank u ! love your blog 🙂 and very sorry to hear about your miscarriage
I have been praying for you! I wanted to share something that really meant a lot to me – in my mid 40’s I had my first and only pregnancy and our baby was lost to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. My husband was out of town and a friend dropped me at the salon for a little pampering. It was quite obvious that I was recovering from a major surgery and a woman asked me what happened. I explained what we had been through and she told me that they lost their almost two year old child to a rare heart condition. I expressed how much harder that loss must have been and told her I was so sorry. She told me that she got to hold her baby and I didn’t and that my loss is just a devastating as hers. My grief being so validated has made the biggest difference to me – I can’t just get over it, I’ll never really be fully over it. I am strong and carry on but the loss is just too great. Hugs and prayers to you!
Still sending you lots of love <3 Obviously I think you should only ever feel like you need to write about what you want to share, but I have to say that I really appreciate your openness and honesty. Yours is the only blog I've consistently read since I started reading blogs in 2011, and your relatability is what keeps me coming back.
What sippy cups are the boys using for their smoothies?
Lollacups!
Keeping you in my thoughts this week, Julie! Although I can’t imagine what you’re going through, your resilience, positivity, and STRENGTH come through in these kinds of posts and I so much appreciate you sharing this with your readers. You do such an amazing job of putting some of these difficult emotions into words and that’s why I continue to read your blog weekly. Sending you only the best wishes for continued healing and peace.
– A long-time blog-reader who feels like she “knows” you so well !