When I mentioned we were beginning potty training on the blog last month, Colleen commented on my post and offered to answer any questions I had about potty training. I jumped at her offer, shot her an email and she was kind enough to agree to participating in a Q&A post all about potty training. I asked you guys to submit your questions for the post as well since I know so many of us are currently going through potty training or hope to tackle it in the near future. I compiled the questions to send to Colleen (many of us clearly have the same issues/concerns) and I hope you find Colleen’s answers helpful and encouraging!
Let’s dive in!!!
Take it away Colleen…
A Little Background Information about Colleen
Hi everyone! My name is Colleen and I’m so excited to answer all of your potty training questions. I have my M.A. in Marriage & Family Therapy and a post-master’s certificate in Behavioral Intervention in Autism. I previously co-facilitated potty training clinics for children with special needs, but now I work part-time as a Child and Adolescent therapist. I’m also a stay-at-home mama to my toddler and pregnant with baby #2. My husband and I live on our family farm in the Chicago suburbs with our 2 French bulldogs, 2 goats, and 10 chickens. I would love for you to swing by our blog, Frenchie Farm, and say hi!
A Friendly Reminder
Please remember that the tips provided are meant for general suggestion purposes only. If you’re experiencing significant potty training challenges, I encourage you to reach out to a local professional who can provide you with an individualized behavior plan to meet your specific needs. Now let’s get started!
Potty Training Q&A
- Our son is afraid of releasing the pee into the potty. Instead, he holds his pee in and waits until we put a diaper on for his nap or bedtime and then goes. Any advice about making him more comfortable to release on the potty?
Here are a few things to consider: How old is your son? Prior to this behavior, did he demonstrate readiness to start potty training? (General interest and excitement to use the potty, ability to identify wet and dirty diapers versus dry, etc.) Is this behavior new, or has he always shown fear when using the potty? If this behavior is new, then have there been any significant changes within the household lately? Is he experiencing any developmental milestones? Depending on your answers to these questions, perhaps your kiddo just isn’t ready to potty train (and that’s okay!) If he has shown readiness to potty train and his fear is new, then what is your response to the fear? We don’t want to reinforce the fear (i.e. give the fear too much attention), but of course we also want to tend to our child’s needs. Make sure to give him LOTS of verbal praise and access to a highly preferred reinforcer (i.e. snack, activity, or anything he loves) EVERY TIME he uses the potty.
- Pooping in a toilet: HELP!
Alright mamas, this one can be so frustrating, but remember you’re not alone if you’re experiencing poop issues! If we step back and think about it, pooping on the potty is kinda scary. From a developmental standpoint, our kids are trying to figure out what’s going on with their bodies while learning a brand new skill. That’s a lot to ask of them!
If you’re having pooping issues, here are a few things to consider first:
- This is such a huge bullet and I’m going to repeat it multiple times in this post – has your child demonstrated readiness to potty train? All kids are different, so there isn’t a “one size fits all” age for potty training. Just because your friend potty trained her child at 18 months (WHAT?!) doesn’t mean that your child is ready right now.
- If you need to over prompt your child (i.e. constantly asking your child if he/she needs to use the potty or sitting your child on the potty every 2 seconds) then your child isn’t actually potty trained. We need to teach our kids 1) how to identify when he/she feels the sensation to pee/poop and 2)how to hold the pee/poop until he/she makes it to the potty. This takes A LOT of skill, so don’t rush it! Wait until your kiddo is developmentally ready.
- Has your child always demonstrated fear about pooping? Does he/she have a history of withholding poop? Is your child’s poop a harder consistency? If your child is experiencing physical discomfort while pooping, then this will only intensify his/her fear about pooping in the potty.
If your child is definitely ready for potty training and hasn’t demonstrated any physical discomfort while pooping, then consider the following:
- Is this behavior old or new? Any major changes in the house or variations in schedules (i.e. vacations, holidays, sleep changes, new babies, etc). Any major developmental milestones? These can absolutely impact potty training success.
- Does poop refusal in the potty occur with one or both parents? If the behavior only occurs with one parent, then we need to make sure that both parents react the same way to the poop issue.
- What is your response when your child refuses to poop in the potty? Do we reinforce the fear by allowing him/her to gain access to a diaper?
- If your child has an accident, is there any consequence? Pooping in your underwear isn’t exactly comfortable. When potty training, we want to teach our kids the following correlation:
- Accidents = discomfort (wet and dirty underwear doesn’t feel good) and there is always a consequence for the accident
- Peeing/pooping in the potty = GOOD THINGS HAPPEN! Lots of verbal praise and access to a highly preferred reinforcer (ANYTHING your child likes! Examples can include snacks, playing on the iPad, watching a show, etc)
- There needs to be some sort for consequence for accidents. You can say “ No! You’re supposed to poop in the potty. Now we need to clean up the mess.” Use whatever feels right while also being respectful.
- The biggest takeaway point here is that we want to 1) make the child understand that pooping in underwear uncomfortable; 2) have a consequence for accidents; 3) give your child LOTS of verbal praise and access to preferred activities when he/she successfully poops in the potty
- My 3.5 year old finally started regularly using the potty, but only when we tell him to go. And even then sometimes we’ll ask, he’ll say no and then have an accident 5 min later. Is there anything we can do to help him with telling us when he needs to go?
This would be an example of over-prompting our kiddos to use the potty (it’s okay, it’s super common mama!). If we’re over-prompting our child, then he isn’t actually potty trained, we’ve just taught him to be over-dependent on our prompts to use the potty. I would recommend devoting a few days (I mean 24/7) to teach him the following:
- Teach what your body feels like when you need to go pee/poop – it can be very helpful to give your son a ton of liquids so you have a lot of opportunities for him to feel and identify this sensation
- When you feel this sensation, run to the potty ASAP!
- Rather than physically bringing your son to the potty all the time, give him reminders to check in with his body (i.e. Hey bud, remember to listen to your body. If your body says you need to pee or poop, run to the potty!)
- Accident? There needs to be a consequence (refer to the bullets above)
- Successfully used the potty? YAY! Lot’s of verbal praise and access to something awesome (see bullets above)
- My daughter has been fully potty trained during the day for about a year but is nowhere close to being potty trained during the night. She wears a pull-up and it’s always soaked. At what point should we work on that and then how? I know we can limit beverages close to bedtime, but otherwise I’m not sure if we will need to wake her up, or is she naturally is going to start waking up when she’s a bit older?
How old is your daughter? Does she wake up when she pees, or does she sleep through it? If potty training is going well during the day and she isn’t actually waking up when she pees at night, then I personally wouldn’t rush night time potty training. Waking your daughter up at night could lead to other issues (like a VERY sleepy mama). Give it some time. Once she starts waking up before peeing, then you can start working on her running to the potty rather than using her diaper.
- My daughter was well on her way to being potty-trained (no accidents for 2+ weeks) and then her 2 year molars started to cut through and she REFUSES to use her potty. Could those things be related? I don’t want to push her if she’s not ready but I also want her to be potty trained!
YES!!!! Be consistent with the potty training method that you have been using, but also be patient with your daughter. It will probably work itself out. I wouldn’t worry too much!
- I have an almost 10 month old little boy, so potty training was nowhere on my radar until in a mom group I heard of moms setting potties out between 12 and 18 months just to let their little ones sit on the potty for fun/getting familiar with it. What are your thoughts on this? Any advantages or disadvantages?
I don’t see any disadvantages to this (other than taking up space in your bathroom, ha!), but I don’t think it’s by any means necessary. Your son will naturally begin to show an interest in the potty just by watching you use it. To put it in perspective, my daughter is almost 2 years old and I haven’t done this (and I have no intention of starting potty training anytime soon). If you want to bring the potty out, then awesome. If you would prefer not to have it take up the extra space in your bathroom, then that’s totally fine too 🙂
- My daughter will be 3 in July, and we potty trained her this past February. She picked it up super quickly and did so well. She even got the hang of going number 2 within about 10 days, and she’s been a pro with that ever since. However, for the past month, she’s regressed terribly, and we cannot figure out what happened. The trouble is it doesn’t seem like she cares. We’ve tried reminding her a bunch of times, we’ve tried incentives again, we’ve even tried some consequences (like not getting to wear dresses, which are her favorite). I’m sort of at a loss because some days, she’ll do well, and then other days, she couldn’t be bothered to stop doing what she is doing. Any suggestions?
Have there been any major changes lately? New babies, changes to her schedule, sleep changes, vacations, etc.? Behavioral changes can be our child’s way of telling us that they need something from us. What is your reaction when she has an accident? Does she gain access to lots of attention? (Even if the attention is that you’re upset and/or give her a redirection.) On the days that she does well with using the potty, what is your response? I would recommend taking some time to go back to the basics. Give her LOTS (and LOTS!!) of attention when she successfully uses the potty. Also give her access to something she really loves (snacks, special time with mom or dad doing a fun activity, etc.) every time she uses the potty. You’ve got this mama! 🙂
- My son is 22 months old. We are having issues with him taking off his diaper overnight, almost every night (despite snapped onesies, pants, sleepsacks – He gets it all off). My problem is that he’s not very verbal, and I don’t believe he has the cognitive skills to anticipate when he needs to go, he just knows that he has gone. Any suggestions are much appreciated. Cleaning up a poopy crib every morning needs to stop.
Oh no mama, this is awful! Twenty two months is really young, so I definitely wouldn’t recommend potty training yet if he hasn’t shown readiness (which based on the info in your question, I don’t think that you believe he’s ready yet). This one is tricky. I would focus on trying to find a pajama arrangement that prevents him from taking off his diaper, which sounds like it will be trial and error. Do you know if he generally poops at the same time each night? Can you put the volume up on the monitor so you can hear him when he moves around and removes the diaper? If you can try to change his diaper before he removes it, then that would hopefully alleviate the issue. Ahh, good luck!
- Is it better to start potty training with a mini kid toilet or just go straight to the big toilet with the insert thing so they don’t fall in?
Personally, I’ll be using the mini toilet for my daughter, but this can be a matter of preference. I would recommend following your child’s lead on this one. If he/she is excited to use the big toilet and shows a readiness to do so, then go for it! If you think using the big toilet will just make potty training harder, then there’s no harm in using the mini toilet, too.
- I have boy/girl 2.5 year old twins. My girl seems ready to train, she consistently goes pee on the potty several times throughout the day at daycare, and will tell me a lot of times when she is peeing or pooping in her diaper (usually with a look of distress). My boy on the other hand seemed interested a few months ago, but has since lost interest and never wants to sit on the potty. He isn’t afraid or anything, just indifferent So my question is: Do I try to train them at the same time, or just focus on my girl first and then my boy later when he is more interested?
First of all, it sounds like you’re doing an awesome job listening to each child’s specific needs. Whether you decide to potty train them together or separate is completely up to you, but seeing as you’re open to doing it separately, it might make sense to go ahead and start the process for your daughter. She seems ready, so I say go for it! I have a feeling that once your son sees his sister being potty trained successfully, he’s going to start showing an interest and readiness again. Keep following each child’s needs and I think it will go smoothly for you!
- We recently potty trained my daughter and she has been doing amazing at home but really struggles when we are at friend’s homes or out to eat. We prompt her more in those scenarios but she pushes back and does not want to go. But then, 2 minutes later will have an accident. We have also tried being more laid back to take the pressure away, but she still pees just as much. Any tips? Thanks!
Potty training can be super tricky outside the home, so you’re definitely no alone. Here are a few things to consider: Does the accident usually happen due to distraction? (i.e. having fun playing with a friend or being at the restaurant) Or do you think the accident is because she doesn’t feel comfortable using the bathroom outside the home? I would recommend that you take a few random outings that you can dedicate completely to potty training. Make sure you provide LOTS of verbal praise every time she uses the potty outside the home. Also, be sure to have some highly preferred reinforcers in your bag (i.e. snacks, games, videos on your phone, etc) to take out every time she uses the potty successfully. Good luck!
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Alright friends, I hope my suggestions were helpful! Feel free to visit my blog with any other questions or swing by and say hi! 🙂
-Colleen
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What a great post! Colleen, do you have any great resources (books, websites, etc.) for parents of kids with Special Needs? I work with kids with autism, cerebral palsy, Down syndrome, speech and motor apraxia, sensory processing disorders, spina bifida, etc. and potty training comes up frequently. I try to reassure parents that every child is different when they are ready and it’s harder for them to recognize or be comfortable with the feeling of having to go to the bathroom. But we haven’t found any great resources to help them with this process- and there’s a not a lot of support for parents in our area. Thanks!
Would love to hear on this too! My daughter is dealing with developmental delays and possibly speech apraxia. She’s 2.5 but not sure when to tell when she’ll be ready. Not rushing anything but would love to educate myself at the same time!
We were really lucky with our son that he potty trained very easily at 3 (I think because I didn’t push it until he said he wanted to do it) but I am tucking this away for child #2 in case we need it! So much good advice!
My suggestion always has been – when you buy underwear, buy one kind. I spent too much time flipping through which kind of underwear he wanted (trucks, super heroes, etc) especially when I knew that we would be changing it very soon. One it is more consistent celebrate with a new kind of underwear but keep it simple to start off with.
This was so helpful, thank you! My son is 16 months old, so potty training was nowhere on my radar, but I have friends with kids who are 16 months and 20 months and both of them are talking about starting to potty train. I was shocked!! It made me start to wonder if that was something I should be thinking about! But it seems so helpful to hear that waiting for your child to express readiness in their own time is the most important part.
I’m bookmarking this post. Thanks so much for all the information. We are in the middle of potty training my 3 year old so this is SO helpful and makes me feel like I’m not alone LOL
Great post, thanks Colleen and Julie! My daughter is two and we’re trying to follow her lead with potty training. She’s been asking to use the potty most days, but has never once peed while on the potty. She doesn’t seem scared or like she’s holding it and is definitely interested in the potty. We try when she wants to go but just nothing comes out. I think she just doesn’t get it yet maybe? I bought her a book to read on the potty and give her plenty of drinks but nothing yet. I’m going to be so excited the first time she goes that I won’t have to force enthusiasm – there will be very genuine cheering over here! Lol
This was so helpful as a mama of a 2 year old boy 🙂 thank you!
I was really sad to read about consequences for accidents. To me, that would seem to instill some fear in my child related to potty training. Longtime reader, but was sad to read this.
I agree with this. To some, consequences might read as a “punishment” and make someone think a child deserves a time out or something similar. I hope the author was using the term consequence to mean that the child is responsible for the associated clean-up with a parent’s assistance. But its not clear in the answer, which could be confusing and detrimental to parents efforts to provide a comfortable and positive potty training experience for their child.
I had the same thought- in the beginning accidents are not the kids fault! It’s like giving a consequence for sneezing! I hope she meant like a reminder not a real consequence. Kids are so smart and know what you want them to do. “Failing” is enough of a consequence on its own!
Hey Julie! We are in the throws of potty training too. I have a couple questions for you since you are out of the house a lot with Chase. Do you use pull ups at all? (For example at museums/church/gym daycare?) and if you don’t how did you handle those situations in the early potty training days? We did the few days (we did 4) at home but I am nervous about being out especially since we haven’t had a successful poop in the toilet yet. ??♀️
Hi Natalie! We are sticking to diapers only for crib time right now (naps + bedtime sleep) so we went right into underwear! In the beginning (and currently – to be honest) I was just REALLY proactive and adamant about Chase using the potty before/after we go anywhere outside of the house. He’s still not amazing about telling me when he has to go, so I just try to make it a part of our errands/adventures. He likes to be “first” so often saying something like, “Mom has to go potty now… Do you want to go first?” will prompt him to say yes and at least try to go potty when we’re out and about! Chase was pretty good about using his little potty at home and big potties out and about but one of my friends swore by bringing her little potty in the trunk of her car for the first few weeks of potty training to get her little one used to going potty away from home and then slowly transitioned into using bigger public toilets. It’s such a guessing game and can be so stressful. I feel for ya 100 percent!!! We have definitely had some accidents, but most have been at friends’ houses (where I think Chase was just SUPER distracted) and we’re definitely still learning/adjusting.
Maybe we were crazy, but we potty trained all three kids at 18 months. No consequences for accidents, lots of positive feedback/rewards for going in the potty and straight into underwear. No diapers, no pull ups even at night/nap time. We put a plastic sheet on the bed and planned to change the sheets often, but none of my kids struggled with nighttime wetting. We had occasional accidents if we didn’t go to the potty right before bed (like out at friend’s houses and the kids fell asleep on the way home or something.) The biggest takeaway for me was that you cannot let it become a power struggle.
This was a great post! I actually was quite refreshed to read a different perspective after reading Oh Crap Potty Training before potty training my daughter several months ago. It’s funny how many things Colleen advocates in this post that are presented as HUGE no-no’s in the OCPT book (like rewards, and setting out a potty early just for fun). Just reminds me that there is rarely a “right” way to do anything in parenting and probably the most important thing is to be flexible, go with what works with your kid’s personality, and be willing to change strategies if something is not working. I found OCPT to be very helpful, but also a little anxiety-provoking because of the tone of you MUST do this and DO NOT do that. My daughter ended up being really, really easy to potty train (just luck and her personality I think) and I feel like trying to put too much stock into one particular approach made me more fearful of the process than I needed to be. Anyway, this was great!
My son just turned 18 months and we are no where near ready to potty train. But I just wanted to share a little tip I read for the mama that asked about their child taking the diaper off at night. They suggested putting on a pair of zip up PJs backwards so the child cannot unzip it. (Picture PJs with footies but obviously without the footies) sounds pretty genius to me! Hope that helps some mamas out there!
I’m curious about the actual research or science behind the consequences for accidents?