I say all of this because the topic I’m diving into today is one that would’ve made me so desperately sad to read when I was going through our first three miscarriages. It would have crushed me when I felt what can only be described as the strongest desire and intense longing for another baby. It’s truthfully the reason I haven’t written this post for more than two years when it’s a topic I’ve been asked about over and over again.
I’m sharing this here because this is NOT a blog post for everyone and it’s a post that very likely should be skipped by anyone going through loss or infertility. Not a day goes by when I don’t connect with someone over the internet going through a miscarriage. The desire for a baby is so incredibly strong and when it’s not happening it’s so incredibly devastating. To anyone in this season right now, I am so, so sorry and my heart is with you. I feel for you deeply and do not want my blog to be a source of pain for you in any way.
For anyone who might be in the phase of life where you are considering growing your family but you are in a wishy-washy place where you go back and forth about the idea of growing your family all the time, I understand this feeling. I am living this feeling. To be honest, this feeling fell to the wayside recently because my heart has been too bruised after our most recent loss to think about it again. Still, it’s something I get asked about a lot and it’s something that has begun to prick at my brain and heart again. It’s complicated and messy and emotional but I know it’s not something I’m alone in feeling. I’m hoping it’s a topic we can discuss and help each other through if you’re in this place or you’ve ever been in this place before.
Thoughts on Four
When I found out I was pregnant again in the fall last year, I felt the intense anxiety that comes along with pregnancy after loss but I also felt a sense of closure and peace. At last we would know we were done. It would be my final pregnancy and our final baby and the prayers I had to God to know in my heart Ryan and I were done growing our family would be answered. When we experienced another miscarriage, even though I thought I was prepared for the sadness I would feel, my heart felt more broken and somehow simultaneously squishier and harder than before.
The nagging thought I struggled with for two years before our most recent pregnancy popped back into my mind. “You have three children. They’re wonderful and healthy. Don’t be greedy. Why do you need more?” If you’re thinking those thoughts when you read this post, especially if you’ve ever gone through loss or infertility, I understand because I’ve thought them — and am thinking them — as well.
All of the fear and anxiety I have when I think about pregnancy and another child came back in full force over Christmas as I found myself looking at yet another ultrasound with a fuzzy black and white baby with no heartbeat. A very, very large part of me feels like it’s not something I can go through again. This is where I’m currently living and what I am currently feeling. We are not trying for another baby and I’m not sure we will again.
But I still have some questions; deeply personal questions and questions I hope you know come from a very vulnerable place and a curious place and a place where I’m seeking honest, heartfelt answers.
I know everyone says “you’ll never regret another baby” and while I fully believe this is true because the love we have for our children is so immensely deep, I have some follow up questions for those with large families.
How did you know growing your family was the right decision? While I am sure you don’t regret growing your family, do you feel like you have enough time for every child? Do you feel pulled so thin you might snap? Did your relationship with your partner change? Do you feel less patient, more stressed, more overwhelmed? Is your family always going in different directions or do you still have time together as a solid family unit? I am sure every single one of these feelings is worth it 10 times over for another baby for many and for most people considering a large family but they’re serious thoughts and concerns I have related to growing ours. They’re the things Ryan and I have talked about in circles for hours.
I want to be a good mom. An involved, patient, available, loving mom. Right now I believe I am all of these things for our children. Would another baby change this too much?
With the birth of each of our boys, time has been taken away from the other children. This is not something I struggled with thinking about before because I have a sister and value her and our relationship so, so much. I knew I wanted multiple children deep within my heart because I wanted them to have someone by their side not only in childhood but in adolescence and adulthood as well. Now the boys have siblings. I see firsthand what a gift the bond of their brotherhood is to each other and it fills my heart up like nothing else. Would another sibling be another precious gift? Or would it cause us to be too distracted and stretched too thin to be the parents we want to be to every single child?
And then there are the questions I have for the now-adult children from large families. I am honestly dying to hear truthful answers from any of you who may fall into this category if you are willing to share. I’m wondering how your family dynamics were as you grew up. Did your parents feel present for every single one of you and your siblings? Do you have a solid relationship with each of your siblings? Do you think having a larger family put a strain on your family dynamics in any way? Are your parents able to be loving and involved grandparents to all of their grandchildren?
I was talking with a friend of mine recently about how it seems like big families seem to be glorified on social media more than ever these days. There are moms and dads and caregivers out there who make raising a million kids look like a breeze. I don’t believe for one second parenting four or five children is easy just as parenting one child, two children and three children is not easy. It’s fun to think “oh I want a million kids” when you’re 20 and dreaming but when you’re in your late 30s and trying to make the “right” decision — a decision impacted by layers upon layers of feelings and emotions — it’s far from simple.
Here’s where I’m at right now: I believe my heart can reach a place where I feel complete with our family of five. It just might take time. I assumed I’d get that feeling of finality I’ve heard so many mothers talk about — that feeling of “I absolutely knew I was done” — but maybe I won’t. Maybe I need to become okay with easing into being done having babies. Maybe it will take me a year or two or five to arrive at a place where I feel a sense of closure in the chapter of newborns and toddlers in my life; a chapter I hold so deeply close to my heart. Maybe this feeling isn’t as simple as “knowing” you’re done but maybe it’s a feeling layered in deep thoughts, real questions, past loss and anxiety and not-so-glamorous practicality. I don’t know and maybe won’t know and don’t need to know.
One thing I do know is that motherhood has blessed me beyond belief. When I get too deep my my head or my thoughts and when I talk myself in circles for the one billionth time, I always come back to this: I am so profoundly blessed to experience the gift of motherhood. I am so profoundly blessed to have our three boys. They are and always have been enough. They have shaped me and changed me and challenged me and it’s only because of them, and the love I have for them, that Ryan and I know and fully comprehend the magnitude of the decision that comes along with having another child. It’s complicated and layered and emotional… just like all of motherhood.
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This is a lovely post, and I could spend forever writing a comment to it. As someone who is currently experiencing secondary fertility, I can say *I get all of it*. Every feeling you have is valid. Something I read recently that resonated with me is that you should ask yourself the question – do I want to have another baby, or do I want to relive the babyhood of the baby(ies) I already have? Often we want the later so badly that it’s mistaken for the former.
Okay … now that I am done crying…………………..
Baby #1 was a breeze…and an accident. I admit it. She is an amazing girl who is the picture image of me and has had lost babies as well: her faith and being a missionary (in western, remote as heck China) has kept her okay with a family of one.
For me … how many miscarriages and stillbirths since?? too many. Eventually, I took it that that was my path to be a mother of one, grandma of one and give my extra love to pets and family.
I am adopted … I was taken away by the Children’s Aid at birth and adopted out 8 days later. (THANK GOD) .. it was my angel pass as my biological parents went to prison for felony child abuse. I have 8 biological siblings who went through HELL (think being forced to watch your family eat while you are tied to a chair for misbehaviour. Think being forced to lick up the pee that you accidentally emitted on the floor…I got an angel pass from a court case that made the judge cry. Yes, the judge cried!)
…what is interesting about that biological family is that we are all alike but the two siblings I grew up with in my adopted family are nothing alike. Nature-nurture is interesting.
Everyone is different and thanks for sharing…it is never an easy thing to write about but thank you and your commenters for sharing.
I’m so sorry for your losses and I hope you can come to peace with whatever happens for your family whether it grows or stays at 5. I can totally relate to not feeling done though and I don’t think it’s something everyone feels. We have 3 healthy children and are are done – it feels like the perfect amount for us. Still a bigger family but not so big that we are spread thin or unable to do all the things we want to do. But despite being on the same page as my husband and knowing for many reasons that we are done, I’ve never had that feeling that everyone talks about where “you’ll know when you are done.” I love the baby/toddler phase and I don’t think the feeling of wanting to stay in it would go away for me even if we had more children. And to answer your question as an adult coming from a family with 3 children it was great growing up we all did all sports and activities we wanted to and my parents were able to be at games, we traveled and we are all very close now as adults.
I’m a mom of 1 and find the questions you directed at parents of multiple children to 100% apply to my decision to not have another. Sure I only have 1 kid, but 1 is the perfect number for us. I’ve wrestled back and forth with the decision and I’ve found the hardest part is that while I would love to have another baby, I know that it’s not the best choice for my mental health, my marriage, and because I truly love giving my son 100% of my attention and energy. But when I see the perfect IG families with numerous kids i temporarily doubt our decision, despite knowing it’s what’s truly best for us all.
Even though you have 3 healthy, wonderful children you still have to grieve the picture you had in your head and heart of the family you thought you’d have. I have 2 kids, it took 8.5 years, 2 surgeries, 6 failed iui’s and 4 frozen embryo transfers to get them. Do I wish it was easier, yes. Do I wish I had had them when I was 8.5 years younger, yup. Do I long for another even though I only ever wanted 2, more then I ever thought I would. My family is complete, but even 2 years later my heart aches a little for what we could have been as a family of 5 and that’s ok. I imagine it will get easier every passing year and I think conversations like these are what will help all of us to know we are not alone in our sadness, grief, longing, etc.
Hey! First of all, I am so sorry for your losses. I had a loss between babies 3 & 4 and it was honestly the hardest thing I’ve experienced in my whole entire life.
So I have four siblings & I myself have four children.
I think all of your questions are super valid! I absolutely struggled with the “do we have the capacity to have one more” especially when we were considering our fourth (my husband wanted to stop at 3 but eventually we decided that I wanted another more than he didn’t want another so we had another😅). To answer your question about that, I don’t feel like having four is too much different than having three. We are definitely stretched slightly thinner, but I love that they all have each other & also it forces us to intentionally slow down. We don’t do all the activities. We limit sports. We limit nights with agendas. We are super intentional about just being home together. I feel like the larger our family has gotten, the more team-oriented we have become. Like instead of focussing intensely on each child, we function as a unit. And I honestly feel less stressed about parenting four than I was when I was parenting two because I’ve just had to let so much go. And it’s been good. With that said, I do worry that my oldest child is “missing out” because she’s such an extroverted achiever & we can’t meet all her perceived needs…but maybe that’s actually the best thing for her? I don’t know😅
As far as coming from a large family, I have a lot of things I’m trying to do differently. But also, my parents got divorced when I was young, so that certainly threw a wrench in things. They also both worked & I definitely grew up not feeling like I needed/wanted to be overly parented because my siblings were my friends/confidants. I am still very close with 3/4 of my siblings (but still on good terms with all!) And we will all drop anything to get together. It always feels like a party. I really want to give my kids that. But also, of course we are working on giving our children one on one attention, respecting their own personalities, etc in a way that I lacked a bit as a child, even though it’s hard! So one-on-one time might look like a walk around the block or a chat in the kitchen rather than the date nights & adventures I wish I could give them all.
As far as marriage goes, it has not been overly taxing because we have such a solid foundation (it seems like y’all like each other a lot too!) but of course, it has felt hardest when we’ve had infants or sick kids, etc. But we always find out groove again.
Sorry this was a lot! I have prayed for y’all. If you have any other follow up questions at all, you can DM me @christielew. I really appreciate your vulnerability.
I have two boys but always wanted three and always also wanted a daughter. I can’t answer all your questions about big families since that’s not my experience, but I can tell you about the feeling of our family feeling complete.
I also had fertility issues – after multiple losses, my first was conceived via IVF and our second was a surprise. My main problem wasn’t the fertility issues though – I have really awful pregnancies – lots of kidney stones, early dilation, months on bed rest, constantly fighting premature labor. And after each of my boys were born, I had severe and crippling postpartum depression. It took me about two years post baby to feel normal again. And with the way our boys were spaced – infertility, hard pregnancy, depression, repeat – there was a four-five span that I was a shriveled up version of myself – which of course led to some issues with our marriage.
Even still, I was willing to do it again because in my head – I always envisioned a bigger family – I always saw myself with a daughter and this vision of my life didn’t feel complete. It took a lot of souls searching to come to the feeling that two kids was enough and our family was complete. We never tried for a third, I didn’t think I would be the mom I wanted to be for my existing kids as I spent 3 years battling a hard pregnancy and then a long depression.
My boys are 6 and 8 now. And while there are days that I still mourn the vision I had in my head and the kids I didn’t have, I do feel like our family is complete. It’s been 4 years though – the acceptance took a long time, but I do feel (now) that it was the right decision for us.
Wow, this post is verbatim what runs through my head every day. After my first two I had 3 miscarriages and decided I couldn’t handle the heartbreak anymore and stopped. Fast forward a few years and decided I was ready to try again but then after 2 years of trying we ended up doing IVF for our third. It was the best decision ever and I can’t imagine life without him. They are 10, 8, and 1 now and it’s so fun for the older two to have a baby around, but because they’re so much older and more independent, the baby does get more of my attention than is probably fair to them. It does affect life in other ways too. Over the summer we went to Tennessee and my husband took the older two white water rafting. I would have loved to go, but I had to stay back and hold the baby. Things like that are a little tough at times, but the happy times far outweigh the difficult times. I go back and forth on having a fourth. We have one frozen embryo left from our IVF cycle and at times I feel like my youngest needs a sibling since the others are so much older and I worry they’ll grow apart as they get older. At the same time I’m 38 and I feel like I’m greedy for wanting another at this point. I work full time but keep the baby at home and without a doubt he would have to go to daycare if we had another and I continued to work. Right now my day really revolves around taking him to the park and library and I absolutely love it. It’s just so hard. While I know I won’t regret having another, I also think we could all be really happy remaining a family of 5 and officially closing the baby chapter.
Hi Julie, I want to share my thoughts on “being done” having kids as a Christian. It can sometimes feel like the overarching mindset in mainstream US Christianity is to have as many children as possible, so my thoughts may differ from some other folks and that’s fine. We’re all individuals with our own faith journeys. I just want to remind you/your readers that there is not one right way to be a faithful mother/parent when it comes to these sort of questions.
My husband and I both come from families with two siblings. We both love our sisters and assumed we would have two kids. We bought a house with four bedrooms, so they could each have their own (plus a home office). It took us quite some time to get pregnant, we suffered one loss, and eventually found out that my husband has significant fertility challenges. We were eventually able to get pregnant without intervention, but the whole process took some time and we’re not young. We didn’t even meet one another until we were in our 30’s and I had our first little one when I was 37. I had a terrible pregnancy with debilitating nausea for a full eight months. I was lucky that I could walk to work and had built up plenty of sick time, because car rides were torture and I needed a lot of time off to puke in the privacy of my own home. : ( I also developed a liver issue at the end of my pregnancy that required being induced three weeks before my due date. That was especially hard for me, since I have a pretty serious needle phobia and it required having an IV in my arm for several days (I start to panic just thinking about it). Ultimately we have healthy child who we love and we’re really grateful for that blessing.
My husband wanted to try again, for the sole purpose of giving our child a sibling (but obviously left the final decision up to the person putting her actual life at risk to carry another child). However, I have worked hard to surrender the size of our family over to God and not stubbornly hold on to the picture I had in my head when we got married. All of these circumstances – fertility issues, being over 40, knowing that I will likely miss out on eight months of our child’s life while I puke and/or feel like puking all the time, plus our current financial situation, add up to this being the size family that God has for us. I want to graciously accept that gift and enjoy it, not strive and pine for some ideal that may or may not even be possible for us.
We have peace about it, so we act accordingly (i.e. birth control). This does not equate to “not leaving it in God’s hands” although many people will imply that’s the case. We have prayerfully considered our decision and now we act according. Just like we do with every other decision in our lives.
Yes, we still talk about the pros and cons and have wistful moments of what could have been if the circumstances were different. That doesn’t mean we’re not doing the right thing for our family. There are benefits to EVERY size family, and corresponding downsides too. As other readers have pointed out, most of us feel some sadness knowing we won’t have another baby. That doesn’t necessarily mean we’re “not done.” Or, it might! Everyone is different!
Just remember you have agency here and there’s more than one way to be faithful in this moment. You do not need to forego birth control in order to leave this decision to God (although that’s a legitimate choice if that’s what you and your husband decide to do!). I hope you will ultimately feel peace!
I love this comment. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that in your first pregnancy, it sounds so tough!
SS, I’m so glad that you made the decision that was right for YOU, your body, your family, and your little one, without being swayed by what other people think that God would want for you. I hear a lot of love for your current child and yourself in this comment that you wrote, and I think that’s beautiful.
I honestly could have written this word for word when I was your age. I am a bit older than you (44), and my three children are all teenagers now, so I will tell you how I feel now. My final pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I can’t wait for the day when I can hold my baby in heaven. After that loss, I was on the fence like you. I had three healthy babies, but just never was sure if we were to have more, or close that chapter. I never had that “for sure” feeling either. But I was kind of terrified of another loss, and what that would do to me. So time just ticked along, no decision made. We eventually moved into a stage of life that felt much easier, the kids were getting older and I just didn’t know if I could go back to sleepless nights and endless naps to work around. My kids are VERY busy, and I’m not sure that if we had another, I could keep up with it all! Solid family time is so important to me, too. My three teens are the biggest blessing in the world to me, and to each other (they are SO CLOSE), I just know this was how it was supposed to be. I don’t think everyone has a clear feeling of what they are supposed to do… it just kind of falls into place, one way or another. I pray you find peace with either outcome, you will be blessed either way. Thanks for sharing your heart.
I should also add, because I just realized that I didn’t express this enough… I am not in any way regretful that we ended up stopping at three. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we had a fourth, but my family feels completely complete (my husband, three kiddos, and a fury baby 😉
I value your words so much — thank you for sharing this with me. I truly can see myself ending up in your exact same place and so, so appreciate you taking the time to share a little bit about your journey, your heartbreaking loss and your three children with me.
Julie, I appreciate your vulnerability and sharing your feelings on loss, and growing your family. After losses, tough pregnancies, and now three living children, I can really empathize with the way these things stay with you, and how they are formative experiences that completely change you. You’ve been changed, and it doesn’t seem like it was a change you expected.
As I contemplate having a fourth, and sit with this deep sense of anxiety and dread to be “leaving something behind,” I also contemplate why I feel this way, and to go upstream. For me, a big part of my hesitation to truly accept my sense of peace with my family is knowing that my life will change again, and I will have to do something new. I have to be the mom of only older kids, something I don’t know anything about, really. It’s scary and intimidating. It can feel safe to continue to seek what you’ve always known, and deny all the change happening all the time, even if you don’t want those things or recognize them.
For you, I ask: how/why do you know for certain you would be done at 4? What would look, feel, or be different for you with that specific number of children in your life?
Do you believe the desire to have children ever really goes away? It’s a biological drive to reproduce, and maybe just like you’re never really ready to become a parent, for some it’s like you’re never really ready to just stop, because as you said, “you never regret another baby.”
It’s hard, and it’s a lot to think about.
When you remove any potential fear, what remains?
For me, what remains is that I am burnt TF out with three under 6, I cannot physically be in 4 places at once (and have had to move mountains to make three places feasible), and more kids is just plain harder. I might be bawling my eyes out donating my baby’s stuff, but I’m ultimately still throwing up the deuces. You can be both, and they’re not mutually exclusive. I’m sad and anxious, and worried. BUT I’m *also* excited, and ready, and content, ultimately.
You’re awesome for sharing this. I couldn’t scroll by without the acknowledgment. I hope whatever conclusion you reach is the right one for you.
You’re doing a great job!
I’m the oldest of 5 children, 9.5 years from me to my youngest brother. So my parents were definitely stretched, but I didn’t know it at all as a child. I only know it now having 3 kids and seeing how crazy it is! Truly I think that children remember less about the daily grind than we think they do. It helps give me peace in my parenting. What I envision being the “perfect parent” to each of my children might not actually be what they need to live out their God-given purposes.
I’m 35, and my youngest brother just turned 26, and we are all very close as adults! I do have a sister that has written off the family, and that is awful for everyone. She definitely felt a lack of attention growing up.. my mom had the first 3 of us in 31 months, and she was the middle. So her pregnancy was when my mom was learning how to be a mom to me, and her infancy was spent with my mom being pregnant with my brother and then having a newborn. So in that case it did affect her, but I believe it was the closeness in age, which you wouldn’t be dealing with to that extent. The other 4 of us are all close to each other, and both parents who have since divorced. I love having so many siblings, and it was hard for me to stop at 3 kids for that reason.
In regard to the part about never having the feeling of being done, I can relate. I think with all major decisions in life, its never 100%, or even 75% certainty you get. Sometimes 51% has to be enough to move forward.
Thank you for your vulnerability, and I pray that you receive some clarity through the responses you get 🙏 ❤️
It’s so brave and kind of you to share these thoughts. I personally thought we were done after one. We had a rough delivery and difficulty with feeding baby and it made us think we didn’t want to go through it again. But around when my son turned 3.5, I suddenly felt like I wanted another. We now have two boys who are 6 and 18 months and I know this is it for us. Is it sad to think we’ll never have another baby? Yes. Can we afford another one, do we have space in our home for another one? No. I think this is a decision where there will always be some regret or uncomfortable feelings, even if you do feel it’s the right decision, because adding another human to the world is so special!
I think what you are going through is so normal. I’ve been through it myself!
When my husband and I got married, I said wanted 2-3 kids, 2-3 years apart. We both come from big families (5 kids each).
My pregnancy with my daughter (the second) was tough on me mentally. Long story short, I was told she would likely be born with a mental disability, something they tested for when I was pregnant. I had to wrestle with that. Spoiler alert: she ended up being perfect when she was born.
When she was almost two years old, we decided to try for a third. However, I was pretty “on the fence” about it. I was not certain I wanted to be pregnant again. I got pregnant immediately and strangely it was filled with panic and anxiety. It was so strange and so hard.
8 weeks later, I lost the baby.
After that, I knew I didn’t want to try again. It wasn’t just about the miscarriage, it was about the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I actually was pregnant with the third child. I was not filled with joy or peace! I was never “sure” about that third kid the way I was with my first and second kid.
Another factor that was there was my marriage was not going well during this time. Part of me thinks that having a third would be detrimental to my relationship with my spouse. Which I definitely don’t want. My husband is ten years older than me and we got married later in life.
My brain had to take some time to rewire itself from “ok, we might have three kids” to “ok, we are a family of four. One boy, one girl.” But that’s okay.
So here I am, with a four year old girl and a six year old and trust me, everything is awesome. My marriage is better than ever, my family is thriving. I am definitely at peace without decision with two kids. It was not easy and I did not have a definite feeling of “we are done having kids! Yea!” It was more of a “this feels right and things are great. Having another pregnancy does not feel like the direction I want to move in. Let’s enjoy our lives and more FORWARD.”
Of course, there are times when I see a cute baby and think “awwww!!! So cute!! Maybe we should have had more!” But, I think if you see a cute baby and don’t think it’s cute and adorable, there might be something wrong with you! 😂
I appreciate your honesty. Having babies is fun and wonderful. But we all should remember that every baby grows up. Every phase comes an end. That’s life! The older my kids get, the more I get to know them and actually DO STUFF with them!!
I have a friend who said to me once, “I don’t know why women get said when the baby phase is over, that’s when the fun starts!”
I wish I could give you a huge hug! I’ll start with my thoughts on a big family (I have 5 siblings, all super close in age). We’re older now and live in 3 different states but it’s amazing. I’m SO grateful for each of them and we each have a different relationship. My husband on the other hand, has 1 brother and a little sister who is a lot younger. As we all get older and become parents, it’s even more fun to have the cousins get together.
Now, on to the kid part because I’m so in the camp “you’ll never regret a baby” (see above). We have 3 and they’re beautiful and perfect and healthy and I’m amazed at how much I love and adore each of them. My husband struggles with babies, a lot. It’s a really hard stage for him and he had that “I knew I wanted to be done” moment, or moments, when our youngest was an infant. I struggled with that, not the baby but with my husband struggling. Honestly, struggled. It was hard. And then I read a comment on Facebook from some stranger saying something like it wasn’t worth the rift in their marriage to have another. I totally get that this is our situation and you and Ryan might be different but for some reason that helped me SO MUCH. I know I’d love another baby just as much, but we decided to be done at 3.
It’s hard! But ultimately, it’s something you and Ryan will figure out;)
I felt similarly to you after we had our two boys. I was SO grateful for two healthy boys. They came 14 months apart after not so easy pregnancies, but I just KNEW we weren’t done. It took 3 years of trying to conceive our daughter. 3 years of charting, temping, IUI’s, fertility testing, etc. Some thought we were crazy – we had two, why bother with all the treatments?! But my heart just KNEW that our family wasn’t complete. I even spoke often to my therapist about how to find closure should it never happen; I was never able to find peace. Lo and behold, we FINALLY got the positive pregnancy test (during COVID, no less) and I spent the entire pregnancy a nervous wreck. The moment I held my daughter though – it made it all worth it. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and completion the very first time she was laid in my arms. It’s a feeling I will never forget. I do not regret one moment of the pain, tears, sadness, etc. A girlfriend once told me “when you’re done, you know…you just know” and I found that to be totally true for us. Our family is complete and the deep longing, the feeling of a missing piece is gone.
I feel you 100% with this post as I was in a very similar situation a year ago. We were pregnant with our 4th and I felt like our family would be complete. Sadly, we lost that baby and my heart broke.
That said, I have come to terms that our family is complete with my 3 children. It took a long time for my heart not to ache for that 4th child but now I look at my family and am extremely happy. We are leaving that baby stage and entering a new chapter of our lives. One with more flexibility and I am excited. It was hard to accept at first because I wasn’t ready to close this chapter not on my own terms, however, that is life and unfortunately we cannot control everything. My husband and I may consider fostering children in the future but for now we are soaking in all this time with our 3 children. Lots of love sent your way as I know this feeling all too well!
Hi Julie,
I don’t have a ton of insight as to whether or not you should grow your family, but I did want to mention an idea I’m not sure you’ve thought of, whether you add more children or not.
I started homeschooling 2 years ago with 5 children (2 sets of twins!) and it has truly changed my relationship with my children for the better. I know my kids in a way that I never did while they were in public school and allows us time as a family and with each child.
I never thought I would enjoy being home as much as I do. Homeschooling has so many resources these days. I love the Good and Beautiful curriculum — no prep work, just open and teach! We joined a co-op where we get together with other families to teach and learn so my kids can experience social learning and other teachers, they’re involved in sports leagues and have great friends. Just from seeing your personality and motherhood from your blog, I think you’d be amazing at it!
I hope you find some peace in whatever you decide. As a mom of 5 who really only intended 3, I can tell you I do feel stretched thin, but our hearts grow with each child too. There are definitely times I wish it were easier to do activities that were more focused on each kids age (my oldest is 14 and youngest 3.5!) as well as times id like to be able to spend more individual times, but I know in my heart I’m doing the best I can and know that my kids will understand that, even if there is some resentment there. Best of luck and thank you for this beautifully written post!
I come from a large blended family and am blessed with five surviving siblings. Even as a child who sometimes wanted more one-on-one time with each parent, I wanted the same large family for my future kids. As an adult now, I am immensely grateful for the selflessness, compassion, and desire to serve that my family instilled in me. Each sibling made my heart expand in ways I could never imagine. They are my best friends. The first people I call when there’s good news or tragedy happens. I cherish our weirdness and how we can drive each other crazy and not want to change a thing about one another. I would do anything for them, in the same way, I’m sure you would do anything for your sister.
So when my high school doctor informed me that while I could get pregnant, I also was much more likely to experience a miscarriage or heart failure. I was initially crushed. I wasn’t even ready to date, and now I had this huge medical issue that I feared made me “defective.” However, I also always planned on adopting (never been interested in vitro and surrogacy). I think God placed that desire in my heart because He knew that was my path. I’m grateful that if I’m blessed enough to grow my family through adoption, it will be the greatest blessing in the world to me.
Everyone’s desires, family-wise, are different–and that’s a good thing. Trust in your heart’s desires. Only you can know what’s best for your body and family—sending you love.
Hi Julie! I’ve gone back and forth about sharing this because it’s a bit of a “downer” perspective… but it’s real, and I think it can be an important consideration.
In the same way that you said “wanting another baby does not mean another baby happens,” having another baby -unfortunately- doesn’t necessarily mean having another *healthy* baby.
After recurrent miscarriages and infertility, I was blessed with two incredible sons – both very healthy, happy, and super smart. I was feeling on the fence about being “done,” and because it was so hard to get pregnant with both of the boys, my husband and I kind of threw caution to the wind and just let things unfold on their own regarding a third. I got pregnant with our daughter, and everything seemed great… until our little girl’s anatomy scan, where she lit up like a Christmas tree with things that were wrong. Faulty umbilical cord, hole in her heart, two parts of her brain that were too big, one piece of her brain that was potentially missing, enlarged kidneys… the list goes on. We were told that she at *least* had a chromosomal defect and possibly something much worse, but we didn’t know what. Thus began four months of AGONY: endless rounds of genetic testing that cost our life savings (literally) and gave us no answers, tremendous anxiety, worry, and fear. I would not wish such a tumultuous pregnancy on my worst enemy. It felt like walking through hell, every day. My whole family suffered for it. I was not present for either of my boys or my husband. I could barely make it through the day, and I never slept at night.
Really long story short, our little girl was born 20 months ago, and compared to the devastating scenarios we were told to prepare for, she is doing *amazingly* well. Her issues are pretty minor at this point. We are very blessed and grateful. But. She still has extra needs. And, as much as we love her (SO much), it honestly is a strain on all of us. My time and attention is pulled away from my boys every day to manage all of my daughter’s therapies. I missed so much of my middle kiddo’s second year of life during the awful pregnancy, and I’ll likely always feel guilty and sad about that. My marriage is strong, but it has been tested. And, practically, special needs are REALLY expensive – even with good insurance and above-average income, we are stretched thin financially and have had to forgo things for my older kids. They’re gracious about it now, but I know that will likely change as they get older and realize it’s unfair to them. And all of this is because our daughter has *minor* special needs; the impact on our whole family would be much greater were she to have more extensive issues.
I bring this up NOT to say “don’t have another baby,” – not at all! – but just to say that as you find yourself moving forward down either path, REALLY consider the impact on yourself, your time, your mental health, your marriage, and your older children if you did have a baby with special needs, especially if they’re significant.
It probably goes without saying, but we are all-caps DONE. We’re done due to practicality (finances, logistics, time) but also because I could never take a chance on putting myself, or my family, through such a terrible pregnancy experience again. And yet! I still sometimes really wish we had a fourth. I get baby fever all the time. I often picture another tiny baby in our house. And I attribute this to biology at its most basic level. I’m a Christian, but I also know science is a thing, and we’re biologically designed to want as many babies as we can have. So even though I want to be done and I *am* done, I don’t think deciding that you’re done means that the desire for more babies goes away.
Another note: any time I see one of my friends with a new baby, I feel such a mix of emotions – joy, envy, and serious grief that my days of pregnancy and newborn snuggles are behind me, and that things ended in such a rocky way. I think that’s a really hard thing for those of us with complicated stories around this topic; sometimes I get grief confused with longing, even though they are not the same. I’m not saying this is necessarily your experience, just a realization I’m slowly coming to terms with.
I wish you the absolute best with all this, and that you’ll gain some clarity and a sense of peace with whatever happens. Thanks for sharing your heart – you have so many people who appreciate you and are rooting for you! xo
Hi Julie!! Could have written this post myself. We have three kids similar ages to yours and we debated for three years. Mainly because I struggle with anxiety and fears of what-ifs (see post above mine) but ultimately we decided that God would not want us to make ANY decision based on fear. When I took away things I was fearful of all that was left was a desire for a fourth. We decided to go for it and I just found out I’m pregnant with our fourth. I will say I have had mixed emotions this time compared to my first three. Excited and what have we done?! So that was a new and kind of scary feeling.
I will say we both come from 3 and our families are big and all my favorite memories revolve around being with them. I also think if something is wrong with a new baby you always think how it affects your family negatively. I had a friend who grew up with a brother with disabilities and she shared all the joys it also brought. All the siblings argue over who will take him in one day and also how he has made them the most empathic/kind/etc humans
At the end of the day it seems your heart really longs for a fourth. I know mine did and I honestly DONT love the baby stage. I love the idea of four adult kids. Also I’m out of diapers and naps etc with mine (7/6/4) so the thought of starting again is daunting but I do think the life lessons and things my older kids will gain from a baby in the house will be worth it. They get to experience the joy of a baby with us.
Oh another thing! I polled a lot of older women in my Bible studies and neighborhood and all of them same they would have had more in hindsight 🤍
Also I should add I KNOW I will be done after four. So I don’t think you always live with a longing. I do think the longing can go away as you move into next stages etc. but I didn’t want to have any regret about having one more.
Hi Natalie, I hope you didn’t mean your comment this way, but it came across (to me) as pretty dismissive of my experience. It’s a much different thing being a PARENT to a special needs child than it is being the friend of someone who grew up with a special needs sibling. It’s always easy for people to make judgments on a situation they haven’t personally experienced. We did not make any decisions based on fear, and I didn’t encourage Julie to do so. Whether you agree or not, in order to be a responsible parent to your existing kiddos, it’s important to consider how you’ll handle things and how your family will cope in the event that things don’t go perfectly. Best wishes for a healthy baby.
Oh Kim I am so so sorry. I did not mean it in anyway dismissive towards you. I was more saying that is a very real possibility and one to consider when having more children. One we have discussed at length in our family before trying for more children. I was more just saying when I expressed this thought to a friend of mine when talking about more children, she tried to remind me of the joy that can also comes with the very hard of having special needs. I am beyond sorry that it came off as dismissive to your situation. I apologize and feel awful that my words hurt you in any way.
And when I was talking about decisions based in fear I wasn’t specifically responding to your post. I was speaking of my own fears specifically about ages gaps/being at activities/being able to be a good mom to all my kids/horrible morning sickness etc etc. So many personal fears plays into having children for me
It’s okay – really! I suspected that you didn’t intend it the way I perceived it. I appreciate the clarification though. And you’re right about siblings having opportunities to learn empathy, tolerance, etc. from this type of family situation (although it is also really HARD). Take care!
This is such a great post and such an interesting and layered topic. I’m so sorry for your losses – miscarriage is brutal. I only had one and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. I then went on to have three children in four years, 2 boys and a girl. I sat on the fence for a while between my second and third children and was somewhat torn for all the reasons you outlined. I hemmed and hawed, but at the end of the day, I knew I wanted another baby. I did not feel “done” and I also felt 100% certain I was going to have a daughter and I really wanted the experience of raising both genders (I know this is another taboo issue, and I would have been perfectly content with a third boy, but I would be lying if I said I did not want to have a girl because I very much did).
So we did it. The pregnancy was tough on me – I was 37 and had been pregnant and/or nursing for the past four years straight. Now it’s been close to six years between the pregnancy and nursing. But I got through it, and had my beautiful daughter without complication. I feel like the luckiest person alive. And I am done. That feeling of “done” is a real thing and you will KNOW. You don’t seem like you’re there. And I know there are all sorts of reasons to not go for it – there’s so much potential crushing heartache and self-doubt. But there’s also that perfect human who you want, who maybe you’re meant to have. And if it happens, it will be right. And if it doesn’t, it will also be right.
Being a mother is so intuitive. It comes from our hearts. And there’s very little logic to it. Trust your feelings and really listen to yourself. I would have regretted it to the end of my days if I had logic-ed myself out of my daughter. But now my family is complete and I am perfectly content to move past the baby stage. It’s exactly what it’s supposed to be – it’s right.
Hi Julie! Long time reader here, but first time commenter. As a mom of one, a one big factor that played into our decision to only have one child was my husband’s career. He is in the military and I spent the majority of my pregnancy with him gone for work. We were never sure if he would be home for our daughter’s birth. He was home for the birth, but only a total of 2 1/2 months from the time our daughter was born until she was 18 months old. For me, taking care of a baby by myself was hard. Ultimately, when we discussed having another child, we considered not only his potential for being gone for long periods of time, but also if something happened to me, would he be okay being a single parent to more than one child? While it’s hard to think about losing a partner, for us it was something we had to consider.
At the end of the day, the decision you make will be the right one for you. You’re doing a great job!
Oh Julie. Your words are always the most beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being you. I just love reading your writing.
I think about this exact topic daily. I am 30 y.o. (almost 31) and have 1 child, a 24 month old little boy who is still nursing quite a lot and so I haven’t gotten my period back yet after having him. I want 4 kids also and was not expecting that we would have larger age gaps like we probably will end up having. I wonder often if I will have secondary infertility? Future losses? And how I would cope with it. I have been fortunate to not have experienced a loss yet. It tugs at my heart every day wondering as I wish and long for the day we can grow our family again.
Thank you for being one of the most real, beautiful, eloquent, and relatable writers on the internet.
My spouse and I are grateful and blessed with one child. I am unable to gestate and genetically disposed to passing a chronic illness, so our son was a very long but worthy journey. If money and the emotional stress of a surrogate pregnancy were not a factor, we would love another child(my son is a wonderful kid and we have both said that we’d love a sibling for him), but given where we live-suburb of New York City-and the fact that we are zooming towards 35, we know it’s a decision we need to be definite about within the next year.
Clarifying: I fully support, honor, and encourage those interested to have kids after 35, it’s just a several year process for us to legally get through a surrogacy journey and I personally, for my lifestyle, would not be comfortable to be 40 with a newborn 😍
I just read this post after your more current one and wanted to offer my perspective.
I have two kids and am frankly dying for a third baby—I love the baby phase so much more than I ever thought I would. But after me nearly dying during my last birth and a NICU stay for our son, my husband is a very firm ‘no.’ Then, our son had a potential life-changing issue at 4 months (although he’s fine now!) that was also frightening. I think it’s easy to say you’ll never regret another child, and while I believe that’s true, that doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby.
While I don’t think you should be ruled by fear, I also think sometimes our culture dismisses how dangerous childbirth can be, and how social support for special needs kids can be difficult and expensive.
And finally, yet another downer perspective from me, but as one of three, I am not best friends with my siblings! While we have fun when we get together, our relationships are complicated. And as a middle child, I did feel some neglect from my parents that I still struggle with today.
All this to say, I am sad I won’t have another baby, and I don’t have that “done” feeling. I’ve heard other moms talk about “the ache” and I think it’s just a part of motherhood and aging and life.
Ashley Spivey, who I follow on Instagram, was recently doing a Q+A and someone asked her if they felt their family was complete after the birth of their daughter. She had a stillbirth son before her daughter, and replied that their family would never feel complete without their son here.
That’s something that I wonder about when it comes to loss. Maybe you won’t feel that complete feeling, either, because how can you when not all of your babies are here?
Anyway, hugs to you!