I say all of this because the topic I’m diving into today is one that would’ve made me so desperately sad to read when I was going through our first three miscarriages. It would have crushed me when I felt what can only be described as the strongest desire and intense longing for another baby. It’s truthfully the reason I haven’t written this post for more than two years when it’s a topic I’ve been asked about over and over again.
I’m sharing this here because this is NOT a blog post for everyone and it’s a post that very likely should be skipped by anyone going through loss or infertility. Not a day goes by when I don’t connect with someone over the internet going through a miscarriage. The desire for a baby is so incredibly strong and when it’s not happening it’s so incredibly devastating. To anyone in this season right now, I am so, so sorry and my heart is with you. I feel for you deeply and do not want my blog to be a source of pain for you in any way.
For anyone who might be in the phase of life where you are considering growing your family but you are in a wishy-washy place where you go back and forth about the idea of growing your family all the time, I understand this feeling. I am living this feeling. To be honest, this feeling fell to the wayside recently because my heart has been too bruised after our most recent loss to think about it again. Still, it’s something I get asked about a lot and it’s something that has begun to prick at my brain and heart again. It’s complicated and messy and emotional but I know it’s not something I’m alone in feeling. I’m hoping it’s a topic we can discuss and help each other through if you’re in this place or you’ve ever been in this place before.
Thoughts on Four
When I found out I was pregnant again in the fall last year, I felt the intense anxiety that comes along with pregnancy after loss but I also felt a sense of closure and peace. At last we would know we were done. It would be my final pregnancy and our final baby and the prayers I had to God to know in my heart Ryan and I were done growing our family would be answered. When we experienced another miscarriage, even though I thought I was prepared for the sadness I would feel, my heart felt more broken and somehow simultaneously squishier and harder than before.
The nagging thought I struggled with for two years before our most recent pregnancy popped back into my mind. “You have three children. They’re wonderful and healthy. Don’t be greedy. Why do you need more?” If you’re thinking those thoughts when you read this post, especially if you’ve ever gone through loss or infertility, I understand because I’ve thought them — and am thinking them — as well.
All of the fear and anxiety I have when I think about pregnancy and another child came back in full force over Christmas as I found myself looking at yet another ultrasound with a fuzzy black and white baby with no heartbeat. A very, very large part of me feels like it’s not something I can go through again. This is where I’m currently living and what I am currently feeling. We are not trying for another baby and I’m not sure we will again.
But I still have some questions; deeply personal questions and questions I hope you know come from a very vulnerable place and a curious place and a place where I’m seeking honest, heartfelt answers.
I know everyone says “you’ll never regret another baby” and while I fully believe this is true because the love we have for our children is so immensely deep, I have some follow up questions for those with large families.
How did you know growing your family was the right decision? While I am sure you don’t regret growing your family, do you feel like you have enough time for every child? Do you feel pulled so thin you might snap? Did your relationship with your partner change? Do you feel less patient, more stressed, more overwhelmed? Is your family always going in different directions or do you still have time together as a solid family unit? I am sure every single one of these feelings is worth it 10 times over for another baby for many and for most people considering a large family but they’re serious thoughts and concerns I have related to growing ours. They’re the things Ryan and I have talked about in circles for hours.
I want to be a good mom. An involved, patient, available, loving mom. Right now I believe I am all of these things for our children. Would another baby change this too much?
With the birth of each of our boys, time has been taken away from the other children. This is not something I struggled with thinking about before because I have a sister and value her and our relationship so, so much. I knew I wanted multiple children deep within my heart because I wanted them to have someone by their side not only in childhood but in adolescence and adulthood as well. Now the boys have siblings. I see firsthand what a gift the bond of their brotherhood is to each other and it fills my heart up like nothing else. Would another sibling be another precious gift? Or would it cause us to be too distracted and stretched too thin to be the parents we want to be to every single child?
And then there are the questions I have for the now-adult children from large families. I am honestly dying to hear truthful answers from any of you who may fall into this category if you are willing to share. I’m wondering how your family dynamics were as you grew up. Did your parents feel present for every single one of you and your siblings? Do you have a solid relationship with each of your siblings? Do you think having a larger family put a strain on your family dynamics in any way? Are your parents able to be loving and involved grandparents to all of their grandchildren?
I was talking with a friend of mine recently about how it seems like big families seem to be glorified on social media more than ever these days. There are moms and dads and caregivers out there who make raising a million kids look like a breeze. I don’t believe for one second parenting four or five children is easy just as parenting one child, two children and three children is not easy. It’s fun to think “oh I want a million kids” when you’re 20 and dreaming but when you’re in your late 30s and trying to make the “right” decision — a decision impacted by layers upon layers of feelings and emotions — it’s far from simple.
Here’s where I’m at right now: I believe my heart can reach a place where I feel complete with our family of five. It just might take time. I assumed I’d get that feeling of finality I’ve heard so many mothers talk about — that feeling of “I absolutely knew I was done” — but maybe I won’t. Maybe I need to become okay with easing into being done having babies. Maybe it will take me a year or two or five to arrive at a place where I feel a sense of closure in the chapter of newborns and toddlers in my life; a chapter I hold so deeply close to my heart. Maybe this feeling isn’t as simple as “knowing” you’re done but maybe it’s a feeling layered in deep thoughts, real questions, past loss and anxiety and not-so-glamorous practicality. I don’t know and maybe won’t know and don’t need to know.
One thing I do know is that motherhood has blessed me beyond belief. When I get too deep my my head or my thoughts and when I talk myself in circles for the one billionth time, I always come back to this: I am so profoundly blessed to experience the gift of motherhood. I am so profoundly blessed to have our three boys. They are and always have been enough. They have shaped me and changed me and challenged me and it’s only because of them, and the love I have for them, that Ryan and I know and fully comprehend the magnitude of the decision that comes along with having another child. It’s complicated and layered and emotional… just like all of motherhood.
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Hi Julie,
First of all I would l like to say thank you for being so vulnerable and open in this post. I’ve been thinking about how I would like to respond to it and what if any of my words would be at all helpful.
Our story is a little different than yours but similar in the sense that family planning/ decisions about adding or not adding kids has caused a lot of anxiety for me over the years. This anxiety and worry came to a peak last year when I was pregnant with my fourth child. My husband and I had talked and talked and talked about whether or not we were “done” and we decided he would get a vasectomy. I had such hard pregnancies and also I could not settle my mind about if we were going to keep adding children.
After my son was born I had intense regret that we made the wrong decision. Not because I felt like we needed or even wanted to have more children but that we did not trust God. Through all my anxiety I did not lay it at the feet of our Heavenly Father, I took control and used an external “solution” for an internal problem. So this past January we decided to reverse his vasectomy. Again not to have more children necessarily but to fully trust God with our fertility. I’m writing all this to say, I don’t think we truly know when we are “done” because we are not the giver of life. We do not open and shut the womb. I think if God wants to bless us with children that is His will. A lot of these questions about having more or not having more or planning to have more or not cause us deep anxiety and worry. I do believe if we pray to Him to show us what HE would have for our family and truly seek Him in the matter then that will bring peace.
In regards to having a larger family, 4 children is a lot. It was my hardest transition. Am I stretched more? Yes. Do I have less time with each child? Yes. Do I think my children will suffer because we added more siblings? There is no way of knowing this right now. But I do trust that God will give me grace in this area. That He will give me strength to mother however many He sees fit. Because even with one child I could not do it on my own. Not in my own strength.
I hope this all made sense. Again I see your heart in this so much. This was me 2 years ago when I was trying to make decisions for our family. My biggest advice is to truly seek God in this. Seek His will for YOUR family.
What a beautiful testimony of faith and trust. It’s so hard not to grasp for control, especially with family size in a world that tells us it’s 100% up to us to plan. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! It is definitely hard not to try to hold it all so tightly!
Thank you for sharing. I heard God speaking peace to me through your words. Blessings!
You’re welcome! That makes me so happy!
Thank you Megan for sharing your heart in this! As another responded said, I felt God speaking through you to me as well. So we’ll written and such a great example of being God’s hands and feet. Thank you!
You’re welcome! I’m so glad it was helpful!
This testimony is beautiful, and one I am coming to share and echo.
We had two children and suffered a loss that was devastating to me, and in a moment of grief decided to get a vasectomy. 2 years later God put it on my heart with ferocity that we were not done and after a lot of prayer we got the vasectomy reversed and I got pregnant immediately after, which really felt to me like God saying “THIS is the path I have for you and if you trust me I’m going to open every door in MY time, not yours”.
There is now a 9 year age gap between my oldest and youngest (kids ages 9, 6, and 4 months), but it has been the biggest blessing to see my oldest lean in to being a big brother and my middle take on the role of big sister. I have no idea if we’ll have more or not, but what I do know is that when we trust God, He is faithful and His plans are ALWAYS better than ours. We still struggle with all the things you’re struggling with – if we had a fourth would it be too much, can we be present, etc. but I also always circle back to the fact that God ultimately is in control of our families and He is the giver of life. I also can tell you that I struggled my whole pregnancy with if we were making the right decision or not and if we were going to ruin our relationships with our older kids and the second our youngest was born it all melted away and all I could feel was that he was always supposed to be here and God always had it planned this way.
I know this is such a heavy and nuanced topic, and I wish you the best as you grapple with what to do next. I am praying for you, and I would urge you to spend time in prayer… I truly believe God will put it on your heart with what to do next, and that if you trust Him and wait, He will guide your life and your family in a way that glorifies Him.
You are so right! This is a very difficult subject but like you said God is in control. He works all things out for our good and His glory! Thank you for sharing as well.
I am in the exact same spot as you right now. We struggled with infertility and I have been through 5 rounds of IVF to have our 2 beautiful boys. I know logically it is best to say we are done and be thankful for what I have. I’m not sure I can go through more fertility treatments or miscarriages. But in my heart I want another. I wonder if I will eventually accept that we are done and feel peace or will I always feel like there is a piece missing?
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I am due with my 3rd and have similar thoughts around adding the third to the mix. My children are all very young ( 3, 1 and then adding a newborn) so I am worried about the same things. I sometimes feel less patient and touched out by the end of the day, how will that look with another one? When we were debating a third, something I always thought I wanted, we decided yes but maybe wait a year. The next day I found out I was pregnant. I just came the conclusion that it was meant to be. I do however feel complete. I am the youngest of three siblings and we are all very close. I did not feel like my parents did not have time for me. I know you were asking about 4 but still wanted to share my experience. I hope you find peace in your heart with whatever happens.
Hi Julie. Thanks so much for this blog post. It’s so helpful for me to read. I am 27 years old and a mother to 1. We lost a baby before our 1 year old. I want to send my condolences to your journey as I know It has been far from smooth.
I think about our growing family so much. I’ve always said I wanted four, but I would probably be open to having more!
As an adult child, I feel two children is all my mom could handle. She worked full-time and wanted more children, but It wasn’t in the cards. I don’t think she could have handled more emotionally or financially. Being on the other end of that, I only have one sibling whom I am so different from. Growing up, I often felt like I was an only child because my sister and I had nothing in common and still don’t have much in common.
This has always fueled my desire to have many children, as I would have loved living in a big family as a kid and I was always jealous of big families. Of course now that I see the big picture, that not something my parents could have handled.
I think I have surrendered our growing family to the Lord, and I am open to whatever he has in store. I am very open to adopting, as I don’t know what our journey will look like with biological kids as I’ve already had one miscarriage and don’t know what the future has in store.
I know you have said in the past that you’re not sure if you’re done trying because you don’t know if you can emotionally handle another loss which is 10000% valid. It is mind blowing that you have more children in heaven than on earth, and I’m sorry that has been your path. I don’t have any advice as I am not finished walking through this myself, but I will be praying for your journey whatever that entails. Thank you for continuing to share and be vulnerable on a topic that is not easy to talk about. <3
I have 3 and feel this same way too. I gave away some baby things and felt so sad and depressed after I did it!
I’m also one of four and my parents did not have time for all of us and still don’t as adults. But that could be due to circumstances different than yours. One positive for that is we all grew up to be very self-sufficient because we had to figure many things out on our own. We don’t have the close relationship you seem to have with your parents though.
It’s so personal and such a tough decision! I wish I had the content feeling of being done.
Yes! I’ve been giving all of our baby boy clothes to my sister and donating some baby things and it always pulls at my heart a little bit thinking we won’t have another baby to use these things in our home anymore. It’s a rollercoaster over here for sure.
I’m 27 years old and one of 4 children in my family. So chiming in with thoughts on that topic.
I do not feel that I “lost” anything by having 3 siblings. If anything, I think it helped set us all up for success in our lives. Our ages range from 29 to 22. By not having my parents involved in every little detail of my life it allowed me to be independent and make decisions. Obviously when younger they were much more involved but growing up I got to be my own person and pursue my own interests.
While I can’t speak for my 3 siblings, I would bet they would all agree. It taught us that we are not the sole focus of anyone. The world doesn’t revolve around us. Sometimes Mom couldn’t come to everything. My Dad traveled Sunday – Friday for a long time when I grew up since they chose that option over moving us around at the time. Seeing my Mom try to figure out how to get 4 kids to different activities and seeing her ask for help with rides from friends showed that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s something I think a lot of people struggle with in anything in life but it’s not a big deal.
Growing up, I would say we weren’t all super close. Part of it being that what older brother wants to hang out with his younger sisters and my brothers have a 7 year age gap so a 12 year old and a 5 year old don’t have too much in common at that point. Now being adults, I would say we’re all close in our own ways. Something about hitting college, and especially being 21 when we could go to a bar together as kids, helped us all relate to each other more. It somehow evens the playing fields. Don’t get me wrong, we still have dumb disagreements but I know I can call any of my siblings and they will be there for me. Seeing my grandparents get older and go through some health things makes me so grateful then when it’s my parents going through those, I know I won’t be alone in dealing with it.
None of my siblings or I have kids so I can’t speak to my parents as grandparents. But considering I have a dog and my Dad loves her more than his children at this point I’m sure we’ll all become chopped liver the second grandkids enter the picture lol.
Happy to answer any other questions about being an adult from a bigger family! Either on this post or in email 🙂
I only have one brother and will personally be lucky if we will be blessed with one child with the help of IVF and genetic testing (i have a balanced translocation and with 35 many embryos are abnormal too so our chances are just very small) but I don’t think at all that you are “greedy” because you already have 3 healthy boys. The desire to have children is something so sensible and personal and I hesitate to even write this to you since I don’t want to make wrong assumptions without knowing you personally but maybe you can use it as a food of thought: From my impression reading your blog you are such a great mom and you manage to meet everyones needs including you own’s by making sure you have time to work, to workout and to do things you love. And I wonder if these rational arguments againgst a possible 4th child only emerged after your recent loss and because you already had to experience so many traumatic losses before. Is it possible that your heart says loud and clear “yes” to another child but your fear of experiencing yet another loss drives you to think you could be “greedy” or irresponsible if you bring another child into the mix?
I hope that after some time passes you will find peace in the decision you will make. Either way, both the longing for a 4th child as well as the fear of “I just can’t take it anymore if I loose another baby and I am happy with the kids I have” are valid and okay and please do never feel guilty or greedy for having three amazing boys just because others struggle with infertility. You did not steel anybody elses happiness by being blessed with your children and I can only speak for myself but I felt for you when you shared your recent loss and was so so happy for you everyime you shared positive pregnancy tests regardless of my own situation.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you peace and clarity.
Hi Julie! I’m in a different spot. I have 2 beautiful and healthy children, but coming from a family with two sisters, I loved it and always imagined having 3. I don’t feel our family is complete and would love another baby, but my husband is a hard no on a 3rd. This has been so difficult and the biggest thing we have ever disagreed on. I too have to come to a place of peace and acceptance that we will not have anymore kids. It is so, so hard.
Also, my grandma had 12 kids (😅) and my dad and his siblings absolutely loved having each other and being a part of a big family. I think if your heart wants 4 and your family doesn’t feel complete, you shouldn’t give up, but I also completely understand if it is too hard emotionally to have more. 💜
Ashley, I am in a similar boat. I have two sons ages 4.5 and 8.5 and would have loved a third child, but my husband was a hard no. I was sad at first – being a mom is the most fulfilling part of my life – but I had to honor his feelings. He is a great father and was at capacity. So I started diversifying interests and investing myself into more areas beyond my kids and their interests. I thought, “What fulfills me outside of my kids? What brings me joy?” Someone once told me, “The last baby will always be hard,” and that helped.
I was in the same boat as you after our second baby. In my heart I knew I wanted more but we’re not in the right place in our life to add another child. It took almost 5 years to convince my husband to try for our 3rd and it’s a decision we will never regret. Part of me was sad that he’s 5 years younger than his brother and 8 years younger than his oldest brother. But once he was born I knew we were done with 3. I work full time as does my husband and mentally, physically and financially I knew we could not have 4 kids even though both my husband and I are from families of 4. He is two years old now and I feel very much at peace that we are done having babies and I am looking forward to moving into a new era of parenting with older children. I think you will just know when you are done.
This must have been so hard to write ❤️ your little guys are so lucky to have you!
I only have 2 but my sister-in-law has 4 and what I notice is that there is a big age gap between their youngest and oldest (oldest is 16, youngest 7) so although they are incredible parents and give a ton to each kid and make sure to carve out time for each of them, I can imagine it’s a bit tricky having kids in different phases of life. With that being said, they do a lot of family activities that everyone can be involved in – skiing, boating, biking, hiking etc. Just a thought anyway.
Your post touches my heart and I’m desperately wanting you to feel okay. I’m honestly not sure you will ever know if you want to be done, especially given your circumstances. Some people “just know” and I am not one of them. We had decided on just one baby, and then 6 months after he was in our world we decided to have another because he was so cool. But for me, as soon as we talked about a second, I started dreaming about a third and would not let it go. Until, my baby girl arrived and I was told that if I were to have another the risk of me hemorrhaging during that third birth was far too high. Basically I was welcoming my girl and in the same breath mourning the concept of the third. My baby girl is 2 years old now and I think I love her in a very unique way because of our situation, but I do often find myself having moments of “I wish we could have one more” followed purposely with “I love my kids and I’m blessed for each of them” to remind myself even though this was not my choice, it is my perfect family. My advice, give yourself space to be sad and happy and confused and change your mind because you’re human and a mom and you can. You do not need to be strong.
I had a three and one year old (with fertility issues) and very much wanted a third baby – and got twins. I knew once they arrived, I would never be able to picture life without both of them, and that is 100% true, but it has also unquestionably been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I do feel like I’m not as good of a parent in many ways. I do feel like it has strained my marriage. I do feel like it has affected my career. But my kids are all pretty happy. They’re all cared for and loved, and they love each other and run around like crazy animals through our messy house. I would not have chosen this, but I also wouldn’t change it for anything.
I will say this, too – I think coming to terms with being done having babies would be hard no matter how many I had. I actually kind of enjoyed being pregnant, I loved the newborn stage of cuddling with my baby even in the dead of night, and seeing a baby still pulls at my heart.
There’s no right or wrong answer, which makes this decision so hard. If you are — or can be — fulfilled with your three kids, that is wonderful. If you decide you would regret not having another, you will make it work, and your kids will always feel loved.
I appreciate your perspective so much. I felt like I was reading a heartfelt, honest text from a friend. Thank you very much for sharing.
Julie, you are in my prayers! I have not experienced a loss but I have two children that are nine years apart because I do not carry pregnancy well and I almost lost both of them and the first time around was near death for me also. I never thought I’d have a second. She was a surprise and I was terrified. But she is the best gift ever. My advice to you is to surrender. Give it ALL to God. Not only your feelings but also your decision and your planning. You don’t have to know if you should or if you’re ready. He knows. Let Him decide. Sometimes just the responsibility of deciding is what is too heavy. Perhaps allowing God to be the author of life is all you need to do. It’s scary to give up control, but He knows you better than you do. He made you and you can trust Him. If this advice is too hard then please dismiss it. But just know that He loves you and He is with you through all of this.
This brought me to tears. It’s been a prayer of mine to hear from God about this and while I have faith, I struggle with “hearing” from Him the way others seem to be able to. It’s something I’ve prayed deeply about for years and will continue to pray for in my life. I’ve seen my faith stretched and I’ve seen it grow through our losses. Ryder and Rhett are perfect examples of holding onto faith and trusting God because they would not be here if we had not experienced loss before their births. Thank you for this encouragement to just surrender. ❤️
Wow. I felt a burden lift about our family planning as I read these words: “Let Him decide. Sometimes just the responsibility of deciding is what is too heavy.” Thank you for sharing that. More helpful than you know.
Hi Julie,
I wanted to share my experience with you as it may be an important consideration as you debate trying for number 4. With our first baby, I was able to get pregnant easily and had a smooth pregnancy/delivery. Our first born is a healthy, happy little girl.
When we started trying for baby number 2, I had two miscarriages before I was able to get and stay pregnant. I had another smooth pregnancy/delivery, but around 9 months old our second daughter was diagnosed with global developmental delays. There is a good chance she will be delayed/disabled throughout her life. It has turned our world upside down – I spend much of every week taking her to physical, occupational, speech, aquatic, and music therapies as well as doctors’ appointments. I love her so much, but I worry about the future constantly.
When we were trying for our second baby, I was just so determined to get and stay pregnant, and I didn’t give much thought as to if the baby would be healthy or not. I already had one healthy child and assumed the second would be, too.
Children of all abilities add so much to our lives and this world, but I sometimes think about how our lives would be different if I had been content with one child.
Whatever you decide, I wish you and your family the best <3.
Oh Beth your heart is so kind and I am truly touched you took the time to share more about your beloved daughter with me. You are absolutely right and the unknown that comes along with another pregnancy, birth and child exacerbates my anxiety and worry. Thank you for sharing this comment from such a loving place and please know I appreciate it so much and am sending love back to you.
Thank you for sharing such a personal post. My husband and I both come from a family with two kids, and we are (most likely) done with just one child of our own. So, although I can’t answer any of your questions about the experience of a big family, I so relate to your feelings of questioning how to know if you are done or not. We had our son through IVF after five years of infertility and one miscarriage, and he is the light of our life. But, the newborn phase was so much harder than we expected – he had colic & reflux and it really took a toll on our marriage.
I always thought I would want two kids b/c that was my experience growing up, and I do get sad sometimes that he won’t have a sibling. But, our family of three feels so complete and we thrive on spending a lot of time together. Plus, our marriage is so much stronger now and in a healthier place, and I don’t want to risk that.
The posts from your other readers are so heartfelt and kind. All I know is that God has a plan and a path for us, and while sometimes it may be hard for us to see that in the moment, it will all make sense. And like everyone else has said, you seem like a great mother. I hope you can find peace in this decision.
Love your vulnerability, Julie! So appreciate you talking about this just as I appreciate you sharing your losses. Both have helped me. We just had number 2 after a loss and I’ve had a lot of these same thoughts/questions of knowing if we are “complete” or “done”. Look forward to reading the comments! Thanks! And again so sorry for your recent loss. ❤️
I am so sorry you know this pain personally. Thank you for sharing this with me. Also, congratulations on your new baby — the birth of a baby is always unbelievably special but it impacted me on another level after loss. Wishing you the very very best as you navigate life with two!
I grew up in a family of 6, so I have 3 siblings. I’m 33 now. It was THE BEST. I truly feel like I was born with lifelong best friends. I can’t stress enough how nice it is to have that peer support system—I drifted through high school on the wave of my older brother’s popularity, and when girls were mean in middle school it was far less devastating because I had my sister clique.
I would say that my parents had a pretty laissez-faire approach—they were available when needed, but they weren’t the type to be aware of every upcoming math test or anything. They always seemed relaxed to me, but they are financially comfortable and my mom retired after my sisters were born, so household management probably wasn’t overwhelming. They were also very comfortable saying no to activities they didn’t want to spend all their free time chauffeuring us to or watching, like soccer and hockey—they steered us towards skiing, golf, and tennis instead, so we’d all have sports in common.
Thanks for writing such a heartfelt post. I truly believe you grieve the loss of the baby years no matter how many kids you have. I hope my perspective helps you a little – I grew up in a family of 4 siblings, and there definitely were challenges. I can’t remember spending time with either of my parents one on one ever. As adults, I’m really only close to one of my siblings now and already feel the strain of what it will feel like to make decisions about our (divorced) parents down the road. 4 people’s opinions can be a lot. I personally have 2 kids, and definitely felt sad about closing the chapter of babyhood, but I want to remind you of everything you have to look forward to! The ages your boys are and the years coming up will be so much fun for your family. You will be out of nap jail, out of stroller life, and your world will open up in a way that’s hard to see coming. My sister has recently had her 4th child and we often feel bad for the older two kids who, quite frankly, miss out on a lot because baby time is hard for older kids. They have to say no to a lot of things because the baby needs a nap or just can’t hang in there the way an 8 year old can. Either way I’m sure you will make the right decision but sometimes letting go of the feeling like you have to “make” a decision and living where you are right now can be incredibly freeing. Lots of love to you and your family.
I found myself nodding my head over and over again reading your comment. So much of what you said is what plays into our thoughts about possibly being done. A baby and a toddler are so physically demanding that it cannot help but take time away from the older children and as they get even older they are all the more aware. This has pros and cons, but it definitely weighs on me and my thoughts. Thank you for sharing.
I only have two, a recently turned 3 year old boy and a 7 month old baby girl. Since our daughter was born my son has rejected me and my husband has become the preferred parent. Sometimes it feels as though I’m a step parent as he will attach to me briefly but most of the time wants nothing to do with me and screams for dad. I’m just realizing that having a bigger family and how it affects the children probably also depends on the child. Some kids might adjust more easily to the birth of another baby. My son has really struggled and so have I. It is part of the reason I chose to have 2. And perhaps this is normal and things will get easier and I just need to hold on.
Yes! It’s ok to feel “done” and still feel sad. I think it’s normal. One chapter of your life is being closed. But… But but! Honestly, I *LOVE* having older kids. They’re a blast. I like that we can have good/ interesting conversations. I like to read books to them that aren’t (to be frank) kind of dumb. I love getting to stay up & play games & watch movies that are interesting and vacations have become more like vacations again.
I’m farther down the road than you and am starting to look at colleges with my oldest (sniff) but even this is kind of fun too.
I love this so so much. There has been so much joy and excitement in each phase of parenting and reading your comment reiterates a conversation Ryan and I have regularly as well about how awesome it is to think we could be transitioning into life with older children (no naps, less physical neediness, etc.) and all the amazing things that come along with kids growing older. ❤️ thank you for weighing in, Hilary!
Hi Julie,
I don’t have answers to your questions, but I want to let you know how deeply I appreciate these honest, sensitive, vulnerable posts about family planning and motherhood. I have also suffered multiple losses and unfortunately do not yet have a child (though I’m very optimistic that things will work out this year!), but so much of what you say resonates with me. I think this journey can be difficult for so many people, in so many ways. Talking about it is important—not just from a therapeutic standpoint, but in helping other women understand they’re not alone.
Sending you all my best!
Thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable post. I think this is a topic that weighs heavily on so many of us but is something that is often not discussed, so I am so appreciative for your openness & honesty in leading this conversation & allowing us to see your thoughts as well as one another’s.
My heart has grieved in sorrow & joyfully celebrated in happiness with your family as it has suffered loss & experienced new life. I know that sharing all of your personal experiences via your blog must at times be challenging & I just want you to know that you have so many people praying for you & your family.
The first perspective I can share is in regards to being a “kid in a big family.” I was one of four siblings & also have three step-siblings, so I clearly fall into the realm of a kid in a larger family! I can certainly remember singular moments when I felt like my mom/dad/step-dad did not have time for me in the way I felt I needed them to be available in that particular moment (ex: when my mom was running a few minutes behind to get me from practice because she was dropping my brother off). However, those singular moments are only things I remember about my childhood if directly asked to reflect on them. What I remember is happiness, love, togetherness, & friendship.
Was my parents time divided? Of course. Was my parents patience often spread thin? I’m sure it was. Did I always get exactly what I wanted or needed in the exact moment in time I wanted/needed something? No. But I honestly do not ever remember ever feeling angry or bitter that I had so many siblings/step-siblings. I don’t ever remember feeling less-than because my parents had so many other children to care for. Rather, what I remember about my childhood & growing up is being constantly surrounded by love & family. There was always someone around to talk to, to play with, to fight with, to just live life with.
When I was 20 years old, two of my siblings were killed in a car accident & there isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to have them back. There is no one I miss more in this world than my brother & sister & while I miss them everyday, I am so grateful I had them by my side for 16 & 13 years, respectively. Having lost two siblings has made me immeasurably grateful to have my brother & three step-siblings. My family is very involved, sometimes too involved as my husband likes to lovingly say, :). We see them all on a weekly basis, we get together for pool parties, dinners, soccer games, anything & everything is a family affair & it brings me such joy to know I will always have this big, albeit sometimes annoying, support group.
My other perspective is still forming on how (or I suppose, if) my husband & I want to continue to grow our own family. We feel so very blessed to have two healthy little boys. I was so lucky to easily get pregnant with my first & have an easy pregnancy & labor. While it did take me longer to get pregnant with my second, once pregnant, the pregnancy & labor was once again fairly easy compared to so many others. We are currently at the precipice of deciding if we want to expand our family again. I know in my heart that I want at least one more but my husband isn’t convinced yet. And even though I feel like my heart wants to have more children, I have the same fears you do. And, I also feel selfish for wanting more children when we have already been blessed with two, beautiful, healthy boys. So, I am going to try to focus on praying & turning the decision over to God.
Sending you love & prayers.
Definitely appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I think you hit the nail on the head at the beginning with prefacing that family planning is deeply personal and also not within our own control most of the time. I had two hard pregnancies, and unfortunately both of my girls were born prematurely (and involved NICU time). The more babies you have premature, the chances continue with future pregnancies and usually get earlier. I felt blessed that both my girls were healthy after the traumatic start and didn’t feel that is was fair to put another baby through that process (that’s what my head said). I also had multiple miscarraiges before having my girls. But. But. But. In my heart, I wanted more babies, unfortunately God had other plans. So I love on the two I have and as I have recently turned 42 I recognize how thankful I am that I was able to have them here and healthy. Life is hard. It really is. I hope you find peace with whatever ending you have.
Hi Julie! I am so glad you wrote this post and as seen from other comments, it definitely resonates with so many people. I find myself in a very similar boat as yours as I have thought so many of the same thoughts you have described here. I have 3 children, 2 girls and a boy ages 9,6, and 3. I have weighed having one more countless times since my last was born and it really is SUCH a hard door to close. I tell my husband my door might always stay a crack open haha. But yes, I agree 100% it is a lot to consider not only mentally, physically, and financially and also weigh how it will impact my children here with me now and also my relationship with my husband. I also have the thought of… what if it is twins, or what if the baby has a major health problem. It is easy to get carried away with the what ifs but also very realistic to think about these things. I find myself slowly coming to terms with this baby chapter being behind us, but also still long for it just once more at the same time. Just need to smell a newborn one more time! As my children have grown I am also seeing their need for me in a different way- my support and advice and listening ear. I would never want to take any of that away from them, but at the same time we all learn to adjust and pivot when need be. Anyway, I want you to know that I am thinking of you. I never had to deal with loss like you did in regards to pregnancy so I’m sure you’re feelings are quite deeper/more anxiety ridden than mine which makes complete sense. As I’ve gotten a bit older I’m learning my limits more too and trying to use that as a guide of what I feel I am able to handle, and handle it well with patience and kindness. 💗💗💗
I am one of 5 children. I have one son and recently suffered our 1st miscarriage. I desperately want another baby, just one more. I want my son to have a sibling so he can experience what a gift it is. I am broken after the miscarriage (to put it lightly) and it has been very, very difficult (as you know). Yet, I am hopeful that we will have another and that will be our last child.
5 children was a lot for my parents! They had help (at one time, a live-in nanny, plus housekeepers and a steady stream of babysitters). My mom especially was intentional about creating one on one time for each of us and those days are some of my fondest memories! I truly never felt like I didn’t receive enough attention. My mom stayed home with us for the entirety of our childhoods and my Dad worked very long hours. Weekends were precious family time.
I think family is what you make of it. If you have enough love in your heart for another child, then you will create space for them in your family. I hope this is useful!
Julie, thank you for sharing such a deeply personal post. I have no answers, sadly, but just some observations. My husband and I decided before ever having kids that we would have two. I secretly hoped my second pregnancy would be twins (this was before having my first!) Because I was one of three kids and I wanted to have three kids myself. But once we had our first son I realized two would be all that we could handle. My second pregnancy was an absolute nightmare that ended in the first trimester. It ended up taking me a full year to get pregnant with my second son. I’m forever thankful that that pregnancy worked out (we had a scare at both 7 weeks and 13 weeks) because I think I was determined to have a second child no matter what, but I don’t know how my heart would have handled a second miscarriage. I have had so many people comment on the fact that I do not have a daughter, that when I sought therapy years ago for many different issues, I actually worked through that one as well with my counselor. People still to this day make comments to me and I am able to easily brush them off. I feel very content and happy with my two boys. My youngest has autism and I truly believe he is my soul mate. Of course being a mom to my two boys feels all consuming because I feel like we are still in the “shadowing” phase with our youngest, where we must keep an eye on him every second, even though he is Chase’s age. What is so interesting to me is listening to the thoughts of other moms on Instagram who I follow. One mom has two boys and two girls and is most likely done but really struggles with being done. I think even if you had a fourth, it would be a struggle to be done with the baby stage. I absolutely love babies, but can’t imagine having another one in my current situation. But I will see a baby item in a store and think how I wish my youngest could wear it! I fully trust that even if your family is complete at 5, years from now you will look at your family and feel complete peace and happiness. It can be hard for me, but I have gotten much better at focusing on what is and finding happiness in what is (in all aspects of life) and letting the unknown possibilities go. Thanks again for sharing your heart.
Hi Julie, thank you so much for this honest and relatable post. We just had two back to back miscarriages and I was truly so sad to hear that you had one, too. Your previous posts related to miscarriage and pregnancy after loss have helped me so much. I guess I just wanted to comment and say you are not alone and all of your feelings are valid! Praying for your family and that you would have peace about how everything is unfolding. <3
I really enjoyed reading your post and the comments from other readers. I think who you are, Julie, shines through your writing and also attracts similarly kind, thoughtful readers. What a wonderful community to have built. I don’t know how helpful this may be, but I will share my own experience. I only have 2 children, but I have felt the resounding “i’m done” feeling. My husband and I both work full-time corporate jobs and, quite frankly, full-time childcare is very expensive for 2 children. I also know my own personal patience and kindness limits, and that is met at 2 children. I don’t think I would be as good of a mom if we were to add more children. Also, the infant year(s) are a strain on our marriage, and I don’t want to put that at further risk. I am aware that after my children are grown and moved out, it’ll be just him and I left to live with each other 😉
That said, I am a child from a large family. I have 3 brothers, and we have large age gaps between us. I joke that my parents had kids in phases. My older brother and I grew up together and then I have 2 younger brothers that are 7 and 10 years younger than me. We are all now adults, ages ranging 34-21. Sadly, I am not very close with any of my brothers. I think it’s in part due to the fact that I am the only girl, but also I moved away from my hometown for college and never moved back. My brothers all live in my hometown still. I think they see each other occasionally, but they aren’t very close with each other either. I think this is in large part due to the age gaps and not having much in common. Growing up, I certainly felt the strain of being in a large family. Mostly financially, money was always tight and there was never room for luxuries like vacations. If I wanted something, I usually had to spend my babysitting money on it. As the older daughter, I also felt a lot of resentment like my parents were constantly using me as their built-in babysitter. As a parent now myself, I get it- they probably were. that’s a perk of having older kids! But it definitely wore on me. My parents have 3 grandchildren and honestly are not evenly dividing their time, but again, I moved further away. My family relationship is complicated and hard for me to deal with sometimes. But it led me to intentionally having my kids close together in hopes they will be better friends. <3
One more quick add- my husband is one of 6 kids. They are all adults with kids of their own, and everyone lives within an hour of each other. It is SO fun to be a part of. He and I talk about this all the time, so I know it was kind of chaotic in his house when they were all kids because his dad worked a lot, but with 6 kids they start to raise each other. I am so glad he has a big family because now we have such a large support system.
I have 3 and every once in a while, I get a pang for the excitement of pregnancy and welcoming a new baby AND I feel at peace with not having more children. It can be both. I will forever miss the new baby stage, but watching my kids grow and become more and more themselves is so rewarding. I think there’s relief to be found in being done, especially when pregnancy becomes medically complex. I don’t think there’s one magic number of kids that will make you feel complete. You might always wish for more or a girl or a bigger/smaller gap. Things just end up where they end up.
First off, I just wanted to say that I appreciate this post. Just as an FYI, the overall birth rate continues to decline (I’m a NICU nurse so this information is readily available to me). I’m not on social media, but you may only be considering the ‘less than 1%’. Additionally, even in having our own children, there really is nothing ‘logical’ about it. When you consider the sleep deprivation, financial aspects, resources, etc; I have two kids, am I am the same age as you. I’m 99% sure I’m done. I had terrible post partum depression and the newborn years, as others have said, really put a strain on my relationships. We don’t have family close by. My Dad has also been very sick this past year and I feel saddled between aging parents and young children. All while trying to maintain a career, being in school myself, abs traveling back and forth the NC (I live in the Midwest). Reasons I am done include: my age and the anxiety of the ‘what-ifs’, the cost (20k on part time daycare last year), and my mental health. I don’t want to be spread thin. I’m enjoying this next stage.
Hi Julie, first of all I’m so so sorry for your losses. I can only imagine the pain that comes along with each one. Your 3 boys are precious and my first 3 daughters are all born within a month or two of each of your boys so it’s been so fun to follow along every time! I just had my fourth daughter (yesterday!) so I can’t yet say how the dynamic is of adding a fourth. I am definitely feeling nervous about the possibility of not being able to be as present as I’d maybe like for each of my kids, at least in the beginning. And I know that a baby naturally demands SO much more from you. But in terms of why we felt that we wanted a 4th, I think one of the biggest things has just been seeing the relationships that my girls are building with each other as they get older. It is so special and I know that as hard as it is to change up family dynamics with another baby, everyone does adjust and it just feels like your family was always meant to be that way! I am also one of 8 kids so I intimately know the challenges and blessings of growing up in a large family. Nothing is perfect but I would not have changed having a lot of siblings for anything! Along those lines, I also love thinking of my daughters in 10-15 years and imagining the full house that we’ll have as they grow up, bring friends over, get married, etc. Anyway, I hope that’s helpful in even a small way and I know this is never an easy decision.
I think some people may never get a clear “I’m done” feeling. For you it might be about making peace with that, finding acceptance around the fact that you’ll always crave more. And if you continually chase that feeling of “one more baby” then you’ll just be incrementally decreasing your time and attention to each of your current children, spreading yourself more and more thin.
You seem to have a happy, beautiful, loving family. If I was you, I would focus on that. Honor and accept the part of you that may always wish there was a new little baby… you don’t have to shut that part of you off, but it’s not necessarily a sign that having another baby will make that feeling stop. Accept that it’s just a desire within you, and then look for contentment in what you already have.
I can speak as someone who is this person. I have two kids and a history of miscarriages as well. I will always, always, always want another baby, another kid. Full stop. Despite the intense anxiety, I enjoyed being pregnant, I love being with my kids, love the idea of them having another sibling. But the reality of what another kid would do to my patience, the time and resources diverted from my other kids, marriage going back into the back burner under the strain of newborndom (exacerbated by having more kids to deal with this go-round), the possibility of more miscarriages…I just don’t get what i want here. I’ll always be a little broken-hearted about it. That’s ok. I mean that sincerely: it’s ok. Me not getting what I want here is, I believe, better for a whole bunch of other people in the long run. And there is relief there too, even in my sadness. I get to be so much more present in the life I/we have already built. I don’t know if this is helpful and I’m certainly not trying to advise you what to do, just sharing my experience and letting you know that it is possible to live with even sadness over it, way beyond ambiguity in “not knowing” for sure.
Oh and i also wanted to say that when I came to the due date of my last lost pregnancy, I was so, so, so sad…crying in the bed sad, when I had the chance. Just thinking of the way things might have been, which I know in my heart of hearts is a feeling you know well. At the same time, my four-year-old was then going through a difficult (totally normal, difficult) stage where she needed a lot of attention, and my 19-month-old was a highly mobile maniac. Sad as I was, the thought of a newborn and all the related things I love was at that moment almost incomprehensible. The guilt I would have felt alone! I think we are taught to think of blessings in very specific ways, but even in my grief I also felt like there was a blessing, or at least a message, to be acknowledged in the way things had happened for me. Another child would have added to all of our lives in the long run, but there is no question that the quality of all our lives would have also been diminished — and that in my mind is assuming a healthy baby, which of course isn’t even a given.
You’re getting lots of great comments but I also wanted to add a few cents.
I grew up as the second oldest of four. We were a very close family and still are. I love my siblings, but I think my mom would have been a better parent if she’d had fewer kids. For example, she always wanted our house to be spotless which is next to impossible with any kids much less four, so she was stressed and anxious much of the time. Although I had an overall happy childhood, I have lots of memories of my mom’s short fuse and walking on egg shells around her.
I have one child and we are one and done. I NEVER thought I’d only have one child, but this is what is working for my family now. I still get sad about this decision sometimes though. When I am feeling sad (like when my daughter calls our dog her sister, which is both cute and heartbreaking) about our decision, I reread Cheryl Strayed’s Dear Sugar: The Ghost Ship That Didn’t Carry Us. I think I cry every time I read the last paragraph ♥️
I’m the oldest of a big family and love all my siblings–but–I have never wanted to have that many kids in my own family. I have 3. My first two are very close in age, and then there is a 8.5 year age gap between my oldest and youngest. For years I had wanted to have a third, but my husband said no because one of ours is such an intense child that he argued she really counts as two (our parents say she counts as three, LOL).
I had finally come to peace with that when I found out that I was pregnant. It was a surprise pregnancy that happened on birth control and at the height of the pandemic. At first I was very upset. I had been ready to get back to more full time work (I’ve been part time since my oldest was born), had already begun planning our next phase as parents of bigger kids. I also resented having something happen “to” my body that I hadn’t planned. But, it has been a very unexpected blessing. With the addition of a third born during COVID, I didn’t seek FT work again. I decided I would probably just work part time indefinitely, and this has helped me be more available for one of our kids who it turns out has a lot of learning needs. If I had gone back to my career, I would probably not be as available as I am right now to help her. The baby has actually helped my intense child calm down a lot, and it’s so sweet to watch their relationship benefit both of them. Plus, the baby just brings light hearted sweetness to the whole family. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
The cons–I feel like I definitely have less time/attention to give to the bigger kids, so much so that they’ve commented on it. My response to them has been “she literally could die if I don’t pay this much attention to her” (she’s in the danger stage) and “I always paid this much attention to you when you were this little too” but I hear them–so I try to look for ways to pour into them when she’s napping or entertaining herself. That means I have to be very intentional to use that time (especially on the weekends when they’re not in school) and that means there is very little margin/down time for me. Finding activities that all 3 can enjoy and that I can safely supervise by myself is tricky. Letting the kids invite friends over or meeting friends makes it easier to watch everyone because the big kids are occupied, but means there’s less “undiluted” family time. There’s also more physical and emotional work than there was with two in the same age bracket (like my oldest is starting to stay up til 8 sometimes and wants to chat to wind down..and the baby wakes up in the 5:00 am window. That’s a long day to be on the whole day). The after school time frame every day is horrible for me (homework helper with one with learning needs, finish cooking dinner and make sure they don’t eat too many snacks, keep baby alive, debrief the day with the emotional one–ahhh).
Because of the complexity of having 3 with different ages/needs, every decision to add an activity (sports, a lesson, OT, therapy, etc.) becomes a whole-family juggling act with lots of considerations instead of just “sure, sign them up.” My husband changed his work schedule to be available starting at 4 to help because otherwise everyone can’t do their needed things. I basically don’t do social things in the evenings anymore, ever, because after school/bedtime is complicated and I’m just too beat by the time they all get to sleep. In general, my world has become much smaller with the addition of the third, although I also fight very hard to do the things that make me feel like “me” and do them with less guilt than ever before, if that makes sense. (But also, the things I do for me would not have been enough for me at an earlier stage of life. I think I have learned to need less.) I am sure some of this will open back up again to me as the baby grows older.
In my own family there is a very significant age gap. I love my siblings, and I’m so glad to have them, but it’s hard to figure out what I have in common with a college aged sibling that I only lived with for a few years that they can’t even remember. I try to connect with them but I am not sure they really appreciate it. My parents didn’t really speak to my needs as much as they could have when I was a high school/college student because they were still in the trenches with younger kids–I’m sure they were just happy I could care for myself. And my parents weren’t as present as I could have used in the first few years of having babies because they had elementary, middle, and high school aged kids and an adult child with an addiction/mental health problem. I’m sure they felt very torn between being present with me and my kids and figuring out the logistics of childcare and help for their kids.
I love my children and wouldn’t change a thing. I’m so glad each of them is part of my family. But three college tuitions if they all go, three different sets of needs for the next 18 years (and are you ever really done parenting? You are not–my parents still talk to each of their kids throughout the week and that’s a lot of support they still have to provide!), three weddings (!!) still seems daunting. My husband had a vasectomy basically the second the baby was born (his choice). I honestly think that it has been nice to end any sense of “maybe…?” with that “finality.” When the baby turned 1 I had a brief thought “I would like to do that again” but honestly I believe it would be diminishing returns.
This is maybe the longest blog comment I have ever written. I hope some of it was helpful to you.
I had one more thought too. Therapy has been super helpful to me in processing my life. You do not have to have a diagnosis to go–that misconception held me back for a long time. You can just go to connect more with your thoughts, process your feelings, and understand what decisions you want to make. I highly recommend finding a professional you can talk about all of this with if you haven’t already!
Hi Julie,
What a beautiful, honest, and heartfelt post. Thank you. We have two amazing and perfect girls. I am in my late 30s, and have always felt like someone is missing. At the same time, I wonder how many of the same things that you posed. Will a third change us and me in a way that doesn’t allow me to be the best mom/partner? Can we financially handle it? How will my kids adjust? If you were to ask my husband today, he would say he is complete. And then I think about what kind of world will be here for my kids to grow into? It’s a scary time to raise kids. It’s a scary time to be a mom. I am someone who adores being pregnant, and I feel so sad to think that I might not do it again. Anyway, this is all to say that I am grateful for your candidness and the opportunity to share. Blessings to you and yours.
My decision to be done was pretty much made for me, and I’m cool with that. I had my first son at 33 and then had multiple losses (secondary infertility diagnosis). I went through IVF at 38 and had our second son right at 40 years old. I had preeclampsia and he was born at 37 weeks. So from a biological timeline, my window closed due to my age and recurrent losses, and tough last pregnancy. My husband and I both were in agreement that we were done.
My kids are 7 years apart, and I know that two completed our family. I, personally, don’t enjoy the newborn stage so I can’t imagine ever going back to it. I can’t personally imagine parenting any more children than I have now. School logistics, homework, figuring out childcare, etc., is a lot and I couldn’t imagine adding more to it. My kids are getting older – 13 and 6 – so we are getting some of our personal time back, individually and as a couple, that we couldn’t do for a long time, and that is so very important to me.
I have only one sister – and we’re nearly 10 years apart – and we didn’t become very close until we each had children. Now we’re best friends.
Thank you for your vulnerability about this topic, Julie. My heart aches for you reading about your recent loss and I pray that you find peace and comfort with whatever you decide regarding growing your family in the future.
I’m one of 5 children, most of us young adults now- my brothers are 28 and 11, my sisters are 22 and 18, and I’m 24. While growing up in a large family was certainly not easy at times (constant chaos! bless our parents), I can undoubtedly say that looking back, I am immensely grateful to come from such a large family, and to be close to all four of my siblings today. We were very fortunate to have our mom stay at home and homeschool us for 20 years, before she returned to school and later work full-time when I was in college and her youngest was 2 y/o. Spending most of every day of my childhood with my siblings was like a constant lesson in conflict resolution. If we ever fought, and we often did, as is expected with 5 spirited kids with varied personalities, we had to hash out our differences right then and there, as there wasn’t much physical distance between us being homeschooled. One thing our parents did to help each child feel nurtured and equally loved is to fully support us in our different extracurriculars. Anytime one of their kids expressed an interest in trying something new, my parents gave us their full-fledged support and always encouraged us to be well-rounded and pursue our passions. That support allowed each child to shine in their own way and helped us to appreciate our diversity as a family. It wasn’t always easy, and naturally there were moments growing up when one kid felt insecure that our parents gave more time and attention to another. As adults now, it’s clear that these feelings of our parents being spread too thin were mostly fleeting, and any worries of them “loving our sibling more than us” was certainly not rooted in truth. There are going to be times when one kid in particular is struggling and the parents are all-hands-on-deck to help them, and it’s a lesson in having grace and compassion for that struggling sibling that their brothers and sisters will have to learn.
Along that same vein, being from a large family has taught me generosity and patience, to be considerate of other people’s needs, and to be kind. I’ve learned that my needs are not more or less important than my siblings, or any other humans for that matter, because growing up, they weren’t! I shared pretty much everything with my siblings and had few possessions I could truly call my own. But beyond sharing material goods, clothes, and food (many of our squabbles were over stupid stuff like which kid would get the last cookie, or who finished the box of cereal, ha) the hardships and joys we’ve shared together have made us closer, and I’ll forever be grateful to have a close friend in each of my siblings and to have been taught many valuable lessons by each of them.
It’s easy for me to say that I loved being part of a big family because it’s all I’ve ever known. Trust yourself and your intuition- whatever decision you make for your family will be the right one. Sending you love and peace.
This was so lovely to read — it sounds like you truly have a wonderful family and that makes me so happy for you. Thank you for sharing your experience!
I just wanted to add that sometimes our biggest issue is the TIMING of God. Not hearing from Him or the will of Him but his timing. We decide we want something and then when it doesn’t happen we sometimes assume its His will. I think Ryder is a perfect example. Not to sound like a stalker but I felt like when you gave birth to Ryder it had God written all over it. When you experienced your losses before him, you found out one had been a girl but as soon as you found out you were pregnant with Ryder, Chase was convinced it was a boy. Maybe Ryder is one of Chase’s blessings in life, both now and in the future when they are older and your losses before him- though extremely difficult- made it possible for God to give your family Ryder. This might sound crazy but maybe all of your losses have been blessings in disguise. Also, I’m 100% on team Fagan baby because you make the cutest babies and we need more families like yours to produce more functional members of society LOL
Love your openness and honesty, Julie.
I struggled with a similar decision (stop at 2 or go for a third after a miscarriage?), and as you seem to be aware, there is no right answer! The advice that helped me most was the following:
Spend a week as if the decision has been made: you are not having a fourth. Sit with it as if that is 100% your and Ryan’s decision. Imagine your life. Think about all the logistics, positive, negative, and neutral. You can give away and/or sell all of your old baby clothes and baby stuff. You can see an end in sight to the nap trap. You don’t have to be pregnant again. You won’t be at risk for another heartbreak. You only have to pay for 3 cars; 3 colleges; child care for 3 children. Fully embody that decision.
Then, spend the following week as if the opposite decision has been made: you are having a fourth. Sit with it as if that is 100% your and Ryan’s decision. Imagine your life. Think about all the logistics, positive, negative, and neutral. You will have to be pregnant again. You will have sleepless nights again. Your children get another sibling. Your time will be further divided. Fully embody that decision.
Where does your heart lead you?
When I sat with not having a third for a week, I thought of a million reasons why that seems best. But every one of those reasons was followed by the same “but” (I won’t have to be pregnant again . . . but I won’t get another baby/five year-old/someday 18 year-old/someday 30 year-old). When I sat with having a third for a week, I couldn’t help but think of all of the reasons why that was the more difficult decision (still!)–but I felt that elusive sense of clarity because the “buts” didn’t hold any sway over me.
All is that to say–there are plenty of reasons for you to go for a fourth or not, and I bet you can think of all of them. But ultimately, so long as you don’t have any financial/physical issues with adding a fourth to your family, you need to determine what you desire prior to making a decision. If you desire to have more children, it will be helpful to acknowledge that as one of the factors in making your decision. If you do not desire to have more children, then it seems like decision is made for you! Hope this helps!
This is incredibly helpful advice and advice I’ve never heard explained quite this way before. Thank you.
Hi Julie – two thoughts from a longtime reader. 1) Read the ghost ship letter by Cheryl Strayed. I see at least one other commenter has suggested the same thing. 2) Just an observation from a neutral party: I think you really want to be OK with being done. Sometimes it’s a “fake it till you make it” situation. If you are indeed done…you will live in that space and eventually truly be OK with being done. You can be OK and also feel sad and wistful. I sometimes wonder if you feel some sort of external
pressure to have a fourth, but from my observation, I’m not convinced that’s fully what you want.
I knew when I married my husband that he did not want to have children. It breaks my heart every day. It’s also my reality and I have to keep moving. I’m not sure any of us get to live without disappointment and regret, but everyone’s looks a little different.
Hi Julie
I have been an avid follower of your blog since you were pregnant with Chase. All of our children are the same ages and I’ve really bonded with your dedicated parenting style over the years. When we became pregnant with our third I felt very much what you described with your latest pregnancy . That it is in God’s hands and you felt at peace with your anticipated family size. Some say feeling done, but it just felt right all around. That being said, My husband had a vasectomy and our third child tragically and very unexpectedly passed away 2 weeks after birth. That “done with children” peace that was once felt is no longer. It is incredibly difficult to accept and end such a beautiful chapter in life with such pain and loss. I see so clearly why you are torn. I’m confident you and Ryan will make the decision with diligent thought and grace whichever way you choose. Thank you for giving such a candid explanation of your hearts feelings vs your heads logic. It was very eloquently put and spoke to me on a lot of levels.
Much love
Becki
Thanks for such a thoughtful, genuine post! I can’t speak about having a large family since I only have 2 kids, but still wanted to share input. Like some others have said, I think sometimes you don’t ever fully know for certain if you are done having kids. I think sometimes it’s weighing the different factors, making the decision and then working on being content with the stage you are in. I would highly recommend processing in therapy too, it’s nice to have a neutral space to be able to discuss a big life decision. I always thought I wanted 3 kids, but I am happy with 2. Factors that went into our decision are finances/cost of childcare, my sanity-even though I love the idea of a big family, I don’t do chaos well, wanting to enjoy the stage my kids are in without feeling like I’m taking care of a newborn and missing out on what they are doing, physically not wanting to go through pregnancy again as I’m close to 40, and just feeling as though with the climate crisis and what our world might be like for the next generation, it’s not fair to bring more kids into the world. My child additionally has a disability and being a mom to neurodivergent kids is exhausting (although I wouldn’t trade it for anything!). Thanks again for sharing, sending you peace in was whichever decision you make!
You’re not alone. This essay gets right to the heart of it. https://www.sarahbessey.com/essays/the-ache
Holy tears!! I feel like I wrote this essay myself (and I’m sure many of us feel this way). Annie – thank you so much for sharing this beautiful piece. I’m saving this one to come back to!
Julie – I don’t really have any advice to share, but when we were deciding on whether to have a third, we went through a lot of conversations and thoughts about what the difference between two and three kids would look like for our family. Ultimately, I really wanted three, we decided to have three, and of course, I can’t imagine life without my daughter (after two boys!). However, even though I do still feel the “ache” at the thought of never being pregnant again or having another cuddly newborn, my husband and I feel very certain that our family is complete now. I’m sorry you don’t have that closure, because I can imagine that makes the idea of being “done” with babies even more bittersweet.
This TED talk on making hard choices and big life decisions was truly life-changing for me. Maybe it will help you navigate this decision too: https://www.ted.com/talks/ruth_chang_how_to_make_hard_choices
I think it kind of goes along with the Cheryl Strayed piece that others have referenced. Just remember – you’re not going to make a bad choice here. Either way is going to be the right thing for your family.
I’m sorry for the inner angst you’re feeling. It’s brutal to feel like you don’t have access to your own inner desires and/or the control to make them come to pass. Sitting in that middle “what if” space is truly tough.
I’m from a family with four kids and I have 4 kids myself (youngest is 4, oldest is 12 and it is SO FUN to have kids these ages for sure)… I can give a strong recommend to having four with a caveat- it’s probably not better or worse than having 3, or 2, or 1 or none or any other number!
I think you’ll never be able to quantify or even guess what you’ll gain or miss with either decision. You’ll lose a lot AND gain a lot with 4, and you’ll also lose a lot AND gain a lot (of maybe different things!) but closing the door to more children. What those things are are gloriously, mercifully unknown. We are surprised by our grief but we also get to be surprised by joy in this life (CS Lewis has lovely thoughts on this 🙂 This world will always hold so many unfulfilled longings, but will also shock us with moments of deep fulfillment and love. Grace is wonderful in that way.
Prayers for moments of restful peace as you navigate these decisions!
This was my favorite response. We are pregnant with our fourth and I love your description of not being able to know the joy or burden you gain or lose with each decision.
What specific CS Lewis writing are you referencing?
Oh friend, you have the most beautiful heart; thank you for sharing so openly about a topic that so many can relate to. Reading the comments has been achingly beautiful; so many sharing their struggles, truths, and feelings.
Being surrounded by so many homeschool families, we are definitely on the smaller side with two kids. Though we made the choice after K to be “complete,” I’d be lying if sometimes my heart didn’t ache seeing these bigger families with new babies. I always say in a different world I’d love to have a million kids, but I also recognize that I don’t think I’d ever feel “done” and David reminds me that babies don’t stay babies and no matter how many we have, at some point you have to move on from that phase. I believe that’s where my ache comes from- the time moving on/ moving past a chapter I loved so much.
Instead of staying in that questioning “what if we had more” place, I decided to pour myself into the relationships we have with each other as a family of four and that has been incredible. I really “know” my kids, have time to spend with them, and this next phase of having bigger kids is amazing.
The unsexy factors of finances and time are real, and with two kids we have more of both. We are able to take on some of the bigger travel we’ve wanted to do, let them experience all the activities they want (piano, soccer, TKD, art, computer classes, etc add up), and don’t feel constrained or spread thin.
I don’t think I would have ever regretted having another, but I do see friends with 4 that aren’t able to do as much as a family because of the age gap between the kids and that logistics that come along with it.
Overall I think there are so many versions of a beautiful life, so many good paths, but we can’t do them all. So instead of dwelling on the path I’m not on, I let myself feel that ache when it arises, then snuggle my friends’ babies and feel so much joy for them and their paths, then I focus back on the good about the path I have chosen and am on, for which there are many. I love my little family of four fiercely and have immense gratitude for all I’ve been given. That mentality helps me stay present and to enjoy the time with the people I love most.
Also, I will most likely always have a dog (or two…. working on David ;)) because I find they stay in that toddler phase forever-ha 😉
LOVE YOU! <3
Reading this while nursing my IVF baby who took three years to conceive. I so understand the desperate wish for a baby, and the fear of the pain of another failure or loss. ❤️
I think whatever decision you make will make perfect sense in the fulness of time, and will seem like the right thing. There is no wrong decision. I also think you can’t guard against unhappiness of your adult children, strains on a marriage, etc. no matter what. It sounds to me like your heart is not done with babies. The dark times are awful, but we do get through, and perhaps find even more light and appreciation on the other side. Thank you for sharing. Rooting for you!
I think everyone has shared lovely and vulnerable feedback! I want to touch upon this quote:
“I was talking with a friend of mine recently about how it seems like big families seem to be glorified on social media more than ever these days. There are moms and dads and caregivers out there who make raising a million kids look like a breeze”
As we know, social media can be dangerous in that it can be deceiving with what is actually shown, and unfortunately it can influence many into having very large families with unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying this is you; instead you have thought about your situation and what is right for your family from every angle and I think that is incredible because it certainly isn’t easy with all you have been through!
My concern with these very large families is the carbon footprint that comes along with them that harms our already hurting earth. I say this as a mother of two who I desperately want to leave a healthy planet for <3
Absolutely agree with you. Hailey! So worried about what our earth will be like for my children when they grow up
Hi Julie, I am right in thick of four kids 8,7, 4 and two. After reading so many of these comments I’m amazed at all the negative feelings towards larger families. From my experience I can say that the fourth has only brought more joy, more laughter and more happiness into a family that was already full of it. Is it a little chaotic at times? Yes! But no more than it already was with three children. It truly is not any different at all. I know you are worried about being spread to thin and won’t be able to give each child individual love, and to that I say this, each child will feel your love regardless because you love them each completely. Most kids do not need planned out individual time with a parent to feel “love” they thrive on being together as a family unit. The portion of baby time is only such a very small portion of our life and the what if’s are only what if’s do not concentrate to hard on things that may not come to pass. Whatever you and your family decide i know will be the right decision for your family. I just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way.
I read every single comment and didn’t pick up any negative feelings toward larger families. What i read was people being honest and vulnerable about their personal family priorities and what works for them and doesn’t, which is exactly what Julie asked for and what she is grappling with herself. There is no one size fits all. Families work with no children, one child or eight children, depending on the family. It’s worthwhile to hear different perspectives.
I guess i used the wrong word then. Maybe more cons than pros. I never said that their honesty or vulnerability was in anyway a bad thing. I was just amazed at some of the comments. They were a lot of wonderful comments too. I agree with you each family has no one size fits all and that is the beauty of it. Just merely adding my story and opinion.
I really appreciate the honesty of this post! It is not lost on me that I have never miscarried. I feel… unfairly advantaged. My husband had a relapse of cancer not quite 2 years ago. The following year was impossible, and the hardest thing for he and I was wondering what our family would be. He did fertility preservation an hour before starting chemotherapy. I always wondered if I’d be lucky enough to use it. Well, he did well and here we are, one IUI and I was pregnant. I feel deep, deep gratitude and, in such a welcome way, such peace with this being our second and last child. For us, it is perfect, and it feels that way.
I say all this with the perspective that I’m from a family with 4 kids – I have 3 younger siblings and I am SO GLAD I do. Honestly I was raised in a traditional household, and my dad wasn’t around a lot. My mom is incredible and deeply generous. Her family is everything. Mostly I am grateful because my siblings and I all have very different bonds. One of my brothers is not quite as involved, but I love him and know that’s who he is as a person. My other brother I am quite close with, and my youngest sibling was “my baby” for a long time. I love her so much. I think every family size has pros and cons, but that mostly, they all can be very good.
I hope you have peace! Your boys are adorable.
Hi Julie,
I come from a family of 5. Two girls, a boy, and then two more girls (I land in spot 4 in that list!) all born within a 10 year span. My parents came from large families as well, so there were always lots of aunts, uncles and cousins around. My best friend growing up was an only child and I loved going to her house and experiencing what it was like to be the only kid, and she loved coming to my house and experiencing what it was like to have siblings. Honestly, I would not trade my experience for anything. My siblings are my best friends. I think as my sisters got older a lot fell on them to help take care of us younger siblings, but there doesn’t seem to be any hard feelings about it. We like to joke that my brother got away with everything because he was the only boy, or that my parents became less strict the more kids they had. I never felt like I went without growing up. If our parents were busy we always had each other. We went on trips and took part in school activities. Life was busy and chaotic at times, but the fun times I feel outweighed all of that.
I always wanted a big family myself. This didn’t work out for me and I have no children of my own. I do have 5 nieces and 5 nephews, and just welcomed my first great nephew and they are all my world! Even though we don’t all live in the same area – one sister and her family live in another province and my brother and his family live in the US – we all do our best to see each other as often as we can. My vacation time usually involves travelling to see family or taking time off while family is visiting and I love doing that! I talk to one or more of my siblings everyday. I’m very close with my Dad and also consider him to be one my best friends. He is a wonderful Papa to his grandkids and I know he loves this roll. He tries to be there for all of his grandkids, making time to visit the ones who live further away so they get quality time in too. I was lucky enough to be visiting my niece and her new baby when my Dad came to meet his first great grandchild (born to his first grandchild) and witnessing that was so special. He was so proud and beaming the whole time:)
Getting together for family bbq’s or holiday dinners can get a bit crazy, but in a good way! I hope that gives you some insight into what it was like growing up in a large family. I know it’s not for everyone. I feel very lucky for the experience I had and wouldn’t trade it for anything. Having been a long time reader and seeing what a wonderful mom you are, I know that if you did add another child to your family you would have enough love to go around and that child would be so lucky. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I can’t pretend to know what you are going through, but my heart is with you. Sending you love and support!
That was so we’ll said, Julie. While I didn’t experience any losses and had that feeli g of knowing I was done after 2, I still understand where you’re coming from. While so many of the other comments here are of the really serious or religious sort, please know I’m not saying this in jest or to belittle everyone’s comments. My two girls are 4 and 5. I have absolutely no desire to have more kids. I do, however, still have a very strong emotional pull to be a caregiver to helpless beings. Now that my girls are getting older and more independent, they don’t need me like they did before. So, I started fostering puppies. It’s been amazing! I get to scratch my caretaker itch and we always have floofy, funny, adorable puppies at our house. Even though they’re almost as much work as a newborn, I really love having them around. I get almost the same hormonal hit that I realized I was missing when my kids grew out of the infant stage and they make me so happy! If more kids aren’t in the cards for you, perhaps there’s something else along these lines that would help ease your pain.
Hi, Julie. I am the youngest of 4, and growing up my amazing mom always made each of us feel special. She never missed events, and I still remember all of the little things she did to brighten up holidays and other occasions. My dad worked a lot, though, and we didn’t see him as much. My siblings and I are all 3 years apart and we are boy, girl, boy, girl, so I didn’t feel very close to them as kids. My brother closest to me in age stopped playing with me after a certain point, my sister was too cool for me, and my oldest brother was in college by the time I entered 4th grade.
We have a closer relationship as adults, but I am still much closer to my friends.
My parents are very engaged grandparents, and my mom makes all 9 of hers feel just as special as she made all of us feel. However, being the one child who doesn’t have any children of her own (I’ve had 3 miscarriages and at 38 am not sure if it will ever work for me), it’s the first time when I’ve truly felt left out and like I’m not as big a priority. My schedule comes last, and my mom is always having to help out my sister who’s own 4 children are a handful. Which has caused some resentment. So if you’re thinking ahead to being a grandparent, that’s something to keep in mind.
Hi Julie,
I have never had a miscarriage and I knew definitively that I was done after two kids so personally I am not much help to you. However, I wonder if you follow Madison Hofmeyer at espresso and cream blog? She has experienced many miscarriages and has four children and I believe she has said she is done having kids. Maybe she is someone you could reach out to? I wish you all the best!
This is something I’ve been struggling with lately too. I deal with infertility, so having two boys I feel beyond blessed. It is a whole process for me to get pregnant, with medications that make me sick and lose a lot of weight and during my last pregnancy I got pregnancy related kidney stones and still have four to pass yet. Both my husband and I have one other sibling and neither of us are close with our siblings so sometimes I want more kids in hopes they will at least have maybe one sibling they will be close with, but another part of me doesn’t know if I can go through the medications side effects and it all again. I don’t know if there will ever be a right or clear answer. For now I’m starting to get rid of clothes we don’t love but holding onto ones we do in case we decide to try again. Get rid of toys and baby products we never really used with our other babies and starting there. I’m not ready to get rid of the bassinet yet as when I think about that I feel sadness, but I also wonder if no matter what I’ll always feel a sense of sadness letting those things go because it is a big door to close. Just know your feelings are valid and I think a lot of what mothers go through, especially mothers who have experienced loss and infertility.